Original subtitles

- [booming] - [quavering]

Something's up.

Something big?

The Archangel Gabriel has vanished.

Argh! Gabriel!

Gabriel...

[sputtering]

He's in trouble.

Who am I?

We need to keep him here and hide him.

Hooray! Let the book selling commence.

You been together long?

- Who? - You and your partner.

Oh, no, no, it's not like that.

I am an angel. You are a demon.

We're hereditary enemies.

Get thee behind me, fowl fiend.

After you.

'Ello, 'ello, 'ello. What's all this then?

- Who's this now? - Inspector Constable.

- That's my name. - Of course it is.

Crowley's got Gabriel, hasn't he?

We storm the bookshop, killing anything

that stands in our way.

I haven't done this since the great war.

You blew up your halo!

[laughing]

I think we need to have a bit of a chinwag.

He asked who I thought should take over in heaven.

There's only one candidate, and that's you.

- Tell me you said "no." - I can make a difference.

I mean, if Gabriel and Beelzebub can go off together,

then it could have been us.

[gasps]

I forgive you.

Don't bother.

[Metatron] The next step in the great plan.

Can I know what it is?

We call it "The Second Coming."

[Crowley] Makes you wonder what God's really planning.

[stirring music]

I can't believe it's over.

And over in a glorious victory, Aziraphale.

Quite outstanding.

Yes, I suppose so.

At a cost, of course.

How many did we lose in the last offensive?

About a hundred, I'm afraid.

They took us by surprise.

The whole thing was ghastly.

Aziraphale was inspiring and a remarkable strategist.

Just doing my job.

The battle fought here,

at the centre of all creation,

turned the tide.

They tried to gain control of the Eternal Flame,

and they lost!

Better tell the troops the good news, eh?

[dramatic music]

If you shout out or do anything to attract attention,

you will be a dead angel. Do you understand?

Give me the sword.

So you didn't actually have a weapon, then,

- when you were threatening me? - No.

I lost it in the last battle.

Hello. I'm...

General Aziraphale, I know who you are.

I saw you on the battlefield.

I have a lot of questions,

and nobody ever has the answers.

- [groaning] - What's wrong?

It may hurt, but...

it'll help to staunch the wound a little.

- [groaning] - You know, I've spent the war

smiting Rebel Angels.

I've never done this before.

Should I say thank you?

Better not.

[sword scraping]

Thank you for the bandage.

Probably best if you don't, er...

don't tell anyone how you got it.

Good luck.

[whimsical music]

[whimsical music continues]

[whimsical music]

[rat squeaking]

[rat squeaking]

- [glass clinks] - [snoring]

And well done, everyone, on planned Second Coming.

[applause]

And, in addition,

I'd like to congratulate Michael and the team

on solving the logistics of materialising

a full-size plane carrying a human passenger

in mid-flight.

[applause]

And I'm glad to see you are all as excited as I am.

- Any updates? - [clearing throat]

Ah, yes, Muriel.

You wanted me to tell you when he was awake.

And incarnate.

And, well, he is. Both.

Wonderful. And how did he take it?

Um, pretty well.

He's a bit...

"Whoa, I've got a body,

what's this about, then?" And I'm all,

"Not really my job," and he's all,

"I have absolutely no idea what's happening,"

- and I'm all-- - Everything is set.

We have the quite long...

checklist you gave us, Aziraphale.

- Nothing will go wrong. - Ahh.

The car will meet the plane on the tarmac.

The Archangel Sandalphon, good fellow,

will drive the Risen Christ directly to the United Nations,

where Uriel and Michael will meet him.

Perhaps with a cup of tea.

Then Jesus will make his speech

to all the nations of the world,

in all the tongues of the world,

and then joy unbounded,

peace on earth,

and all that good stuff.

Peace on Earth?

Right, any questions? No, good.

Right. Let's kick off the Second Coming.

[tense music]

Oh, hello!

Um... so I'm pretty sure

I am Joshua, er, Son of Joseph.

Now, my memory's a bit funny,

but the last thing I remember, I was being crucified.

You transcended the flesh.

But now you're back. New flesh.

And we're sending you back to Earth

to bring about universal happiness.

- [soft growl] - Are you sure you've got

- the right person? - Oh, absolutely certain.

You've spent the last couple of thousand years

as part of the triune godhead,

but now you've got a mortal body again,

so you can talk to humanity, you know,

- mortal to mortal. - And tell them

it's the End Times.

Well, not quite.

Not quite?

Yeah, no, that whole apoc... um,

well, it's a bit old-fashioned. You know,

times have changed, Um, I was thinking

we might try something a little more upbeat.

"Oh, look out, here comes universal happiness."

No, End Times.

Or... not!

Happiness? Universal.

Joy unbounded, et cetera.

- Has this been signed off? - Yes, by me.

- I'm in charge. - For now.

- Sorry? - Nothing.

Where are the scars?

I had good carpenter's hands.

Whole new miraculous physical body.

You've got to have a body,

otherwise they're all, "Who said that?"

You just need to give a speech.

Aziraphale has prepared it for you.

You will be on every television,

every phone and each person on Earth will

- hear you talking to them... - [chiming]

...in their own language.

[sing-song] Miracle!

I'm sure it will be very... motivational.

I think we need to revisit the "End Times" element.

- No, we don't. - And all the smiting

- we have to do. - I'm not really following

any of this, um,

are any of my friends here?

Uh... Simon?

Or Thomas? I'd-- I'd quite like to talk to them.

It's been a long time.

My--My mum?

Thousands of years.

All the humans...

you once knew are, um...

- dead. - Really?

Well, what about the angel

who visited to give me strength

the night before all the, um...

the nailing business? Um, Gabriel, I think he said?

- Oh, did he? - Yes.

He wasn't a lot of help, to be honest,

I mean, he mainly spoke about himself, but--

Also, um, not in the picture any longer.

But there must-- wait, the red-haired one,

with the, um-- with the funny eyes.

Oh, he showed me all the cities of the world.

Oh, he was one of your lot, too, wasn't he?

Um... not human?

Yeah, oh, is he still around?

Not up here or in Hell.

He's down on Earth these days.

Not really our kind of person.

Oh, but--no, but he seemed nice.

He has, er... qualities.

Okay, well, I mean, if I've got to go to Earth anyway--

That won't be appropriate, I'm afraid.

Sandalphon here will be looking after you.

Fine fellow.

[soft growling]

[whimsical choir singing]

- Oi, Mrs Sandwich! - [sighing]

I'm not giving you anything, Crowley.

Oh, come on, Mrs. Sandwich.

Come on, 150 quid.

Tonight I will finally get it back.

Brian won't give up anything he won fair and square, love.

This time will be different.

[sighing]

Thank you very much.

Oh!

Freshly watered.

I'll be back.

- We have a winner, Mr. Crowley. - It's just numbers and odds.

When you've designed star systems,

blackjack's a doddle.

[snorting, laughing]

- Another win. - Boom. [laughing]

Come to daddy.

Oh, hello, Misty!

Ah!

It's no fun being drunk on your own.

Come on.

Tell us a funny story about Gorillas.

Or Dolphins. Go on.

How much have I won tonight?

About hundred grand.

Whooo!

Hundred thousand smackeroonies!

[imitates explosion] ...that's got to be enough

to get Brian out of the backroom!

You know it never ends well.

Take it from me, son.

Take the win.

- Ahh. - Crowley.

It's the big B.C.

A hundred thousand quid, come on.

That's more than it's ever worth.

I won it. Car's mine.

I'll toss you for it, double or nothing.

You heard what he said.

Customer's always right.

I'll tell you what I'll do...

er, Max, come here, son.

Yeah, who's this?

Right, now...

you find the lady, and the Bentley's yours.

[whimsical music]

[whimsical music]

That's a shame.

Bentley's still mine.

I've lost worst things than that.

[sputtering]

You're a loser, Crowley.

You only ever come here to lose.

You could've walked out of here a very rich man.

- Oh! - You're a mug.

Were you good?

What do you think of the speech?

I think it's a bit on the nose.

I, um...

I like telling stories.

Er, like parables, if you will,

which, um, which draw people in.

Aziraphale wrote it.

It's been market-tested

on him.

- [thudding] - [voice] Metatron level.

[dinging]

What?

What are you doing there?

You know you are not allowed up here!

And what are you doing with that?

Give it to me! I...

am the only entity

authorised to...

I...

- [siren blaring] - Stay here.

[siren continues blaring]

Somebody sounded the alarm?

That would have been me. Something's wrong.

The Metatron's vanished.

Vanished?

Well, could he have gone for a walk?

He's not in the universe.

That's ridiculous.

- I mean... - [voice] Alarm off.

...the only way the Metatron would be gone

from the universe is if...

there wasn't a Metatron any longer.

If he was dead, you mean?

Of course the Metatron's not dead.

Sandalphon... where's Jesus?

[gentle whimsical choir]

- [choral "ding"] - [voice] Earth.

[whirring]

[ding]

- [distant voices] - [distant construction noises]

Oh...

[jackhammer rattling]

[whooshing]

[horn honking]

Oh, hello, excuse me.

I'm out of cash, mate, sorry.

No, no, something smells good.

I haven't eaten in a long time.

Here.

Toasted cheese sarnie.

You need it more than I do.

Mmm!

This is really kind of you.

You know, there was a man who had three sons...

Sorry, mate, food I can do,

but I'm not really up to stories.

Oh, actually,

I'm looking for, um...

he has...

he has red hair and yellow eyes.

He knows a lot of things.

I think he's an angel?

Down there.

Thank you.

- Excuse me. - [snoring]

Excuse me.

- I'm sorry to wake you. - I'm not asleep.

I'm out cold.

Oh. Er, would you like some of my cheese sarnie?

[groaning] Leave me alone.

Ooh.

Heartbroken. World broken.

What's the point of anything?

I wanted to ask you,

you showed me all those cities.

What should I do now?

Thing is...

the thing is, isn't it-- what was I saying?

You were saying "the thing is..."

That thing of the three cards. Isn't it?

- [popping] - Always,

find the lady. If you learn that, you're set.

Find the lady. Last time, I bring the baby,

and it's... shuffle shuffle, shuffle shuffle shuffle.

Shuffle shuffle shuffle, oh,

everyone was looking in the wrong place, isn't it?

[thudding]

That thing with the three cards...

find the lady.

And if I learn to find the lady

with the three cards,

that will help me understand my purpose here?

You... are...

taking up my valuable passing out drunk time.

Begone. All right.

Bye-bye.

Night-night, night-night.

[Aziraphale] Obviously Jesus won't be

in the Earth Observation Files.

The Antichrist wasn't.

But the Book of Life is something else entirely.

So, where is it?

Well, it should be...

on that lectern.

Where it's been since the dawn of time.

It can't just walk away.

We need to report this.

Well, there's not currently anyone to report to.

The Metatron's done a bunk, remember.

Indeed. No Metatron.

As the former Archangel Sandalphon says.

"Former" Archangel?

Yes, unfortunate demotion,

because of losing the Messiah!

- But you can't-- - We can't lose Jesus

and the Book of Life at the same time.

- Two things! - No, we've also lost

the Metatron, three things!

Oh, for...

[sighing] Oh, dear.

Lot on your plate.

Balls being dropped.

Look, why don't I try to locate the Book of Life?

With, um, with...

Muriel as my Investigating Angel.

And then I can focus on finding Jesus, yes, yes.

- Yes, excellent plan. - Go.

The Demotion. He didn't mean it, did he?

I'm afraid he did,

Junior Recording Angel Sandalphon.

[grunt]

Oh...

[voice] Sober him up!

Ha!

[ding]

Do you think he's dangerous?

Not anymore.

Well, somebody prod him.

He's pretending he's asleep.

Ha!

I quit, Dagon.

Didn't you get the memo?

[mumbling]

[clattering]

You didn't send a memo.

That's because I quit.

[sighing]

I'm un-quitting you, forthwith.

Upstairs has begun Operation Second Coming.

Oh, I see.

Mm-hmm.

So the End Times have begun.

Again.

Oh, well, there you go.

No, I don't go.

They've lost him.

[laughing]

Who?

You know.

The one who starts it all off.

- Nailed-up boy. - Jesus?

[quavering echo]

Jesus.

[quavering echo]

And I'm here because...

We need you to find him, Crowley, before they do.

Right.

You can't even say his name.

What'll you do if you do find him?

A hostage.

With...

Jesus.

...in our hands,

we can attack Heaven!

And the war of all wars

will raineth down!

[laughing] We'll be living upstairs!

- [laughing] - And they'll be down here!

You understand humans, Crowley.

So find him, help us, we'll help you.

No.

- No? - Oh, no.

- No? - No.

Well, you'll regret this.

I'll add it to the list.

Well, get him out of here.

Are, are you okay?

Er, yes, of course.

I just, um...

Well, I... I need to, er...

sort this out.

Now, where to start?

Why don't you ask your...

"friend" friend to help?

My...

oh, no-no-no-- no, I can't.

That's out of the question.

He might like to see you anyway.

Last time I saw him, he wasn't in the best way,

to be honest.

He seemed a bit... lost.

[gentle melancholic music]

[rat squeaking]

[rat squeaking]

Ah, I never thought I'd see your face here again.

I, um... um...

Oh, everyone's gone.

Or been bought out.

Not me.

I stick it out here in Soho

like a... barnacle to a rock.

I, um...

hello.

Look, um, my friend, Crowley,

have you-- have you seen him?

You wouldn't be looking for him unless you needed something,

'cause you're a taker, you are.

You never cared for him.

Or Whickber Street.

I... I love Whickber Street.

Yeah? Well, where were you when it got bad?

You know, I never thought...

you'd be back to gloat.

To gloat?

He's down there.

Crowley?

I've, um...

please get up.

I'm fine down here, thanks.

Look, I know you're upset with me.

Yep.

But I'm willing to overlook that.

Because... well, we have a lot to discuss.

I have nothing to say to you.

If you're expecting me to do the "I was wrong" dance,

then I'm afraid you'll be waiting rather a long time.

Oh, we're way beyond little dances, angel.

Close the door on your way out.

But you... you don't have a door.

[melancholic music]

[whimsical music]

[keys jingling]

[electricity sizzling]

Breaks your heart.

Crowley?

You had a bookshop for centuries.

You loved your bookshop.

And then you just walked away.

- What happened here? - Well, you tell me.

Muriel was meant to take over the place.

They were here for, what, a few weeks,

and then closed the door, and--

I needed Muriel.

I needed someone to work with me in Heaven

who was... nice.

- Ah. - But that's not what I meant.

What I meant was, what happened here?

I've been gone for years.

And... the place is a bit dusty, yes,

but...

no windows broken.

Nothing's been taken.

No rodent problem.

You'd expect rats, wouldn't you?

You weren't here.

I wasn't gonna lose this place as well.

Oh.

Obviously not.

I...

I suppose I should say thank you.

Better not.

Do you...

Do you want an apology from me?

Mm.

I was trying to do the right thing.

Well, you know what they say about the road to Hell?

What?

Needs repaving.

Look, Crowley,

I've come to help you.

- Have you? - Yes.

No, you haven't! This is about Jesus!

You were bringing him back, and now you've lost him!

How do you know that?

Live in an alleyway, people tell you things.

Well...

yes... I mean...

there is that. I need...

we found the Antichrist together, you and me.

- Ancient history. - Jesus remembers you, you know.

Mm-hm, he was asking after you.

He seemed...

well, very nice.

And now he's out there.

On his own.

Poor thing.

I only hope they don't nail him up again.

Well, they wouldn't do that again, surely?

Well, they haven't changed much, have they?

Heaven is looking for him, Hell will be too.

No one can find him.

Crowley, this is bigger than you and me.

- Well, I can't help you. - Why not?

- I don't have a car. - Well, then, by all means,

get your car-- where is it?

- You've lost it? - Yes.

How?

[mumbling] I lost it in a game of skill and chance.

I'm sorry, I didn't quite get that--

I lost it in a game of skill and chance.

- To whom? - Brian Cameron.

Bri...

I've never heard of him. He sounds like an accountant.

How on earth could you lose your Bentley

to a man named Brian Cameron?

He's a gangster!

[Crowley] I was still sleeping in my car...

Always wanted a classic Bentley.

I thought, a man who owns a car like that

must definitely be up for a little wager.

A little game of skill and chance.

I'm not gonna do that. This is my house.

Of course I can't, you know, force you to play.

But what I could do is...

set fire to that little bookshop

and burn it down to the ground

right now.

No, it's 'cause I see you sleeping outside here,

and I often see you inside.

Keeping a cheeky little eye.

Ah--take the car.

I am a businessman, son, not a common thief.

I'm merely suggesting we have...

a little gentleman's game.

I've had enough of this.

[snapping fingers]

[voice] Your miracle account is no longer active.

Please go away.

Ah... [groaning]

My legal department drew this up.

Now, we'll just have a little game.

And you win,

I walk away, and nothing catches fire.

You lose,

and I get the Bentley.

I'm... not...

No "oomph."

Just sign there now.

So, what's the game?

It's my favourite board game, actually.

Right, what you got to do is you got to own everything.

And you leave everyone else

penniless, crushed, and miserable.

Sounds like a game only a human could invent.

You can be the shoe.

[dramatic music]

[popping]

[little engine rattling]

[whooshes, pops]

[dice rattling]

Oh, dear.

You already mortgaged all your properties,

so kind of, like, wipes you out,

doesn't it really? Though it's still--it's a--

it's a bloody good game, eh?

Penniless... crushed... and miserable.

[Aziraphale] Well, how on earth did you let him

get away with it? I mean, a contract's a contract--

What could I do? Hell had cut me off.

Miracles, not an option. You were elsewhere.

Yes, very well then.

We shall go and get our Bentley back--

- My Bentley. - Of course, and then...

...and then you'll help me find Jesus.

I'll do it myself.

- [groaning] - Crowley...

Crowley... Crowley.

I am so disappointed in you.

Trying to steal my car?

I'd like my Bentley back.

Yeah, well, I'd like to play for the Arsenal,

but that ain't gonna happen either, is it, mate?

I just need my car!

You need teaching a lesson, is what you need.

And I am...

so gonna enjoy that.

Who are you?

- I'm a retired bookseller. - [groaning]

I've come to get my friend back.

And our c--his car.

- You're a friend of his? - No, he's not.

I rather think I am.

I'm rescuing you.

And liberating our Bentley.

Yeah, well, bollocks you are, it's my car,

I won it fair and square so you can just, you know,

- like, goodbye. - Rather excited

to meet you, actually, Mr. Brian Cameron.

From what I hear, you're the second best player

of games of skill and chance

in all of London, well done.

Second, you say?

Well, of course. After me.

Perfect.

Misty, my love.

- Break out the board games. - I'm afraid not.

According to your very own rules,

as the challenger, I get to choose.

You what?

Competitive crossword solving.

That's not even a game, is it?

First one to finish correctly

gets the Bentley.

- Dad, be careful here-- - Yeah, listen,

I can fill in a crossword, alright?

But I can, e... ask people for help

I can call them for help if I need it,

right? I can collaborate?

Oh, seek as much assistance

as you require.

Game on.

One Across, nine letters,

the measured tread of the saints

around the dome of St. Peter's, how appropriate.

- [grumbling] - [Crowley] What does that mean?

Well, it's a clue, in this case,

the word "round" tells you to look for

one word inside another,

giving us the opening word

"Pedometer."

Billy? Billy, yes, mate, yes,

I need the solution for today's Cryptic Crossword,

and I need it right now.

Well, it's got to be on the web somewhere, do, like--

do, like, a search or something.

Yeah, well then find the bloke that wrote the crossword

and threaten him. Tell him we're going to...

kill his husband or his dog, or worse, something like that.

Finished.

What?

No, no, no, no, you could have written anything down.

What's 10 down?

"Miss Desmond levitates

for David's spacey song,"

it refers to Norma Desmond from Sunset Boulevard

and can be rephrased as "Norma Flies,"

which is an anagram of the David Bowie song

"Life on Mars"!

- Gah. - How do you know that?

I'll take the car and my friend.

[grunting]

- Ain't gonna happen, mate. - Brian, Brian.

I did give you a chance.

You really mustn't get angry, you know.

[zapping]

[gasping]

- Shark? - Right.

We need to get a wiggle on.

Dad, are you alright?

- Shark. - Dad, Dad, sit down.

- Sit down, sit down. - I'm having a heart--

shark! Ow!

- Call an ambulance! - Ow, ow, ow...

[car horn honking]

[rock and roll music playing]

I suppose you're feeling quite pleased with yourself

- right now, are you? - Not at all.

But a deal's a deal.

[tyres screeching]

Right, let's get this over with.

So, where is Jesus?

I don't know.

- You don't know? - Well, no.

Otherwise I wouldn't need to find him, would I?

- And I wouldn't need you-- - Wouldn't need me, right.

Nice, gotcha.

But seriously, no idea?

The Earth's quite big, you know?

- Yes, I'm aware of that. - What are we going to do?

Ring a bell? Leave out snacks?

Hang signs on lamp posts saying

"Missing Messiah, can offer Small Reward."

No, I--look, I don't know.

So...

do you have any idea

where the Book of Life might be?

Nope.

'fraid not.

Sorry.

Of course I don't.

That's a shame.

Or, then,

any idea how it can have got

to wherever it is, that we don't know

where that even is?

Excellent question though.

I need to find the lady?

Oh.

Well, once upon a time,

my love, I could've seen you well sorted.

But it's all on bloomin' internet now, isn't it?

Um, just sit anywhere.

Who are you?

Jehoshua.

- Bless you. - Bless you.

Harry Frisch, mate.

Or Harry the Fish, as was,

back when me name meant anything.

Then I will call you Harry the Fish.

You were a fisher of?

What do you do with those cards?

For I've been told to find the lady.

Find the lady, ooh, ah,

I did used to work the Monte, sure.

With a team of guys.

I miss them.

I had friends.

A team.

Twelve friends.

I'm solo now.

No more Monte, just me.

You've got an honest face.

Thank you. You have a beautiful face, Harry.

But one filled with pain.

So, how do I find the lady?

Ahh.

Find the lady.

Well, find the lady, find the gravy.

Here she is, there she goes, where she ends up, nobody knows.

[chuckling]

Will--Will you teach me?

[tyres screeching]

How about some music?

Um, maybe a little, um,

tom tom Garage?

Or some rip-rap? Or go-go?

You have absolutely no idea what any of that means.

Yes, I do. They're all...

types of bebop-- stop flustering me,

I can't-- I can't think straight.

Things have been really very complicated for me

- at the moment, you know? - I know, you've lost Jesus,

and bollocksed up the Second Coming--

It doesn't get much more complicated than that.

And we may have lost The Book of Life.

- You've lost it? - Well, it does seem to be

evading us rather successfully for the moment.

Unbelievable.

Oh, you leave me to go back to sort out Heaven,

you've made it into more of a mess than it was already.

Look, I had a chance to make a real difference.

Oh, you still don't get it, do you?

You can't change anything!

It's all rigged! The entire universe--

But I had to try at least, can't you see that?

I don't want an awful, judgy Second Coming

with those scary horses and half the world being smited.

- If I'm the boss-- - But you're not!

And you never will be, there's always someone

- above you stacking the deck. - Well, not now there isn't.

The Metatron's disappeared too.

Oh, superb.

Mr. Big Giant Floaty Head

"I bought you a lovely coffee" himself

has done a runner. [chuckling]

You could have avoided all this.

We could have done a runner ourselves.

I asked you to come with me.

We could be drinking cocktails on Alpha Centauri,

this could be someone else's problem.

How could we have been happy there,

knowing that we were leaving all these people

to goodness knows what awfulness?

Second Coming, apocalypse,

the end of everything on Earth as it is, on Alpha Centauri!

I could stop all that-- I just wanted

to save everything,

and--and--so that everybody could have a chance,

including us.

And how's that working out?

Hmm?

- Don't look 'round. - What?

Keep walking. We're just coincidentally walking

in the same direction.

Okay.

- I may know something. - What?

Face forward! If I tell you,

I want to be reinstated as an archangel.

- I don't have that power. - Not yet, you don't.

Meet me in the corridor in the Space Between.

They won't be looking there.

[ominous music]

[distant thudding]

Hello?

Muriel?

Hello?

Muriel? Is that you?

[whooshing]

- [Uriel] Muriel? - [gasping]

What are you doing here?

This area has been closed off.

I was here to meet Sandalphon?

[sighs] Muriel.

[sighs]

[sizzling]

[engine rumbling]

Why are you stopping?

Oh, no-no, no, we can't park here.

They'll be looking for the Bentley.

They don't have to see it, do they?

Oh.

Really?

Well, we know Jesus is on Earth,

but it's a big place, he--he could be anywhere.

Well, he likes deserts. Or he used to.

Spent 40 days in one back when I knew him.

- [phone ringing] - Um...

But he can't be...

Oh, obviously...

no...

no.

I understand. That was Saraqael.

It appears that Sandalphon has...

Also vanished?

Saraqael thinks he's been murdered.

I need to get back to Heaven. You'll just have to begin

the hunt for Jesus here yourself.

Oh, no, no, I'm coming with you.

To Heaven? You most certainly are not.

You clearly can't do this on your own, come on.

Uriel?

What are you doing in here?

I've prepared a report on Sandalphon's murder.

What's he doing here?

Er, well, he's-- he's backup.

Two heads are better than one.

He's--He's a demon.

Former! Former demon.

Now just a private individual.

So... Sandalphon vanishes.

He said he had things to tell me.

I think it was about the Metatron

- and the Book of Life. - You think?

So no actual information, then?

Well, perhaps you need some help.

Uriel... Muriel is perfect for the job.

Your assistance is not required.

Your infinite holiness,

I would like to register a complaint.

This person should not be allowed in Heaven.

Complaint duly noted and registered.

Will it make a difference?

Oh, no.

So, The Book of Life,

wouldn't the Archive Monitor show who took it?

Of course I thought to check the archive, look.

One moment, it's here,

where it's been since the dawn of time.

The next, it's not.

So the moment of theft has been edited out?

Not edited. It just goes.

I looked for fingerprints,

through a magnifying glass, and footprints.

So, if the archive wasn't edited...

what if reality was?

Well, that's perfectly impossible...

By The Book of Life itself, you mean?

- That's brilliant. - Seemed to have removed

the moment the Book was taken from the Book itself,

reality adjusts to conform.

You can't just remove things from reality.

Well, they hang around for a while, sure,

while reality catches up, but then...

poof.

I'll bet you that's what's happened to the Metatron.

Soon enough, you'll forget all about them.

Right, back to work.

Chop-chop.

Don't dilly-dally!

- Oh! Thank you-- - No need.

You're doing an excellent job.

What if Hell is actually behind this?

Someone must've had a motive for the theft.

A motive for the murder.

It wasn't you, and we know it wasn't me.

- And angels aren't killers. - Sorry, are we talking

- about the same angels? - I think you should

return to Hell and find out everything you can.

They know me, I'm not going back.

They know you.

But they don't know me...

I could ask around, take a look.

You are not a demon.

If they found an undocumented angel

wandering around Hell, they'd... well,

they'd kill you just for starters.

You forget, I am a Master of Disguise.

No, you're not--

Oh, that's actually rather good.

[Aziraphale] Are you sure they won't recognise me?

[crow-like] Ehh?

Pretty sure.

Yes?

My Lord, Archduke Slorch the Vile,

Master of the Secret Torments,

is here to see Lord Dagon.

Hmm...

I don't have anything in the calendar.

He has come directly from Downstairs.

We are Downstairs.

[gravelly] All the way Downstairs!

[ringing]

- Ugh... - An emissary,

from All the way Downstairs is here.

From Downstairs? What, now?

They're meant to let us know.

I don't believe Lord Satan is

under any obligation to do anything

to make things easier for you, Dagon.

Right.

Yes. Sorry.

No.

Have we met?

I--I don't do a lot of mingling.

No, no, Lord Satan keeps me very busy

with all the, you know...

secret torments and that.

Yes, of course.

We're here...

because of the turmoil upstairs.

Your reports on the matter have been...

disappointing.

- [whimpering] - So I came...

to investigate personally.

The... the Second Coming?

They lost him, didn't they?

Yes.

But I'm sure they'll find him soon enough.

Unless...

we know where he is?

Nothing yet.

No, no, no,

but I'm here... on the other matter.

Other matter?

Upstairs... a murder.

A disappearance.

The Book of Life, missing.

Don't say you haven't heard anything.

We just know what we put in the report.

The Metatron and a couple of Archangels

removed from The Book of Life,

thus, "vanisho." That's all we know.

If someone is holding out...

from the Even Further Downstairs...

We didn't even know the Book was missing.

Our secret source on the top floor

just let it slip.

Well, I will let his Infernal Darkness know

how helpful you've both been.

That's... That's good, isn't it?

Is it?

Let's hope so.

[hissing]

[whimsical music]

[Harry the Fish] It's a dance, Josh.

Find the rhythm.

See, the trick is never to think of it as a trick.

The cards want to be manipulated.

Bit like people, really.

Even me.

Wait a minute, I remember this.

Remember what?

Somebody's all at a loss,

and then I say something that helps.

Go on then.

Well...

well, for I say to you this,

if a man has a boat,

then he has the ability to fish,

- for just as-- - Has he got a net?

- What? - The bloke with the boat.

He'd need a net or a rod.

I mean, the boat doesn't catch the fish, does it?

No, I may be a bit rusty.

I mean, it's been a few centuries.

Wait, okay,

there was a widow who had three sons,

and the first son was a fisherman, and the...

Are all these stories about fishing?

No. Harry...

Find the lady.

[whimsical music]

Oh! I didn't see a thing.

You know, maybe the cards' life isn't

something you wanna be involved in.

No.

It's the right thing to do.

It's a way to reach out to people.

I'm pretty sure that's what the lady is.

It's people finding peace and love

- and happiness. - Happiness?

Let me tell you something, Josh, life, this life,

blinds you to what matters, right?

I had kids, you know?

Missed 'em growing up, didn't I, cos I was

too bloody busy working the cards.

[gentle music]

Let's give it a go, shall we?

I've ordered enormous amounts of dim sum for you.

That's a bottle of Châteauneuf-du-Pape, a 1988.

You know, I'm not going to eat.

I'm not that angel any longer.

No, it's my job to set an example

for all the other angels by...

making choices.

Good, upstanding choices.

Right.

Does that include choosing Heaven instead of me?

I chose Heaven because of you.

You showed me what it meant to be brave

and to make a difference.

To stand up for what I believed in.

- Did I? - Yes.

You told me that Heaven wasn't on anybody's side.

And I realised I could change that.

I could make it on everybody's side.

In what way?

Well, for a start,

Jesus was meant to be sent here

to end it all, you know, to end everything.

- Obviously. - And, um, well,

I did eventually persuade Upstairs that, uh,

the Second Coming didn't have to be Armageddon.

It could be a second chance to get things right.

You know, to make things better.

To inspire the humans,

to be... you know, nicer.

And what did God say to that?

Well, she didn't tell me to stop.

Oh... oh...

he, um, he genuinely did speak fondly of you, you know?

Jesus. He even remembered

your "Kingdoms of the World" routine.

Mm, did he? That's nice.

- Oh. - What?

Oh...

- he was here. - Who?

Light of the World,

Mary's bloody Boy Child, he was here!

In Soho! Aah!

- That was him, I talked to him. - Under our noses?

This whole time? And you didn't recognise him?

Now, before you get all judgey, in my defense,

I was astonishingly drunk.

Well, that's hardly an actual-- no, no, I won't do that.

No, this is good news. Means he can't be far.

Yeah, it certainly narrows down the scope of the search.

Way fewer temples.

Deserts.

What about Hell, any clues?

I don't think they had a clue about anything,

to be honest. In fact...

I'm even realising that...

some of their information was off.

- How so? - Well, their sources told them

that the Metatron and two Archangels had been murdered,

- using The Book of Life. - And?

Well, only one Archangel has been murdered.

Sandalphon.

So what they were told is wrong.

Unless...

what they heard was not what had already happened

but a plan.

Why would anybody tell them their plan?

Because they're a bit deranged.

In the wrong hands, The Book of Life has the power

to drive anyone mad.

We're not built to cope with pasts, presents,

and futures that don't match up.

Time... it stops meaning anything.

Constantly un-happening bits of reality...

could make someone lose track

- of what will be true... - But isn't true yet. [gasps]

Exactly.

And if it's not someone from Hell who has the plan,

- then... - Then...

Oh, no.

[voice] Earth.

[whirring]

- I really have missed food. - Hmm.

So, I think the next step--

The next step is you sitting back down.

Hullo, Misty.

Everything okay?

My dad's in intensive care.

You know, toughest bloke in all of London,

and you two good as killed him.

I don't think we did.

He won your car fair and square.

Just as my friend won it fair and square back from him.

- You said they stole it. - Yeah.

Not at all, we signed a contract,

and then I beat him in a cryptic crossword.

Oh, that is a tough one.

Misty, your dad is in the hospital

because of anger management issues

- and a dodgy heart valve. - Shut it!

You're coming with us to your shithole bookshop,

and you're gonna watch us burn it down.

I think I solved it.

What are you supposed to be?

The case. Michael chose me

to investigate the Book's disappearance,

and I've been investigating,

- and then I thought... - What is this?

...I'm really enthusiastic,

and I've read a lot of human detective books.

And I'm nice.

Kinda in the middle of something here.

But I'm only "the perfect person for the job"

if you don't want the real answer.

I'm the useful idiot.

And then I thought, Oh, my heavens,

I know who did it! I made a deduction.

- A proper one. - You worked out that

Michael's the one that's been doing this.

Yes, um, I worked out that

Mi... oh, you knew?

- Yeah. - Look, can we please focus

on the threats of extreme violence?

We worked it out over dim sum.

Hell knew what was happening

or about to happen before we did.

Michael's the one that talks to Hell, it's the way

it's always been, back channels, so, yeah.

But your deduction really was excellent.

What aren't you getting? Bookshop. Burn.

Burn the bookshop!

Hell is not mocked!

- How about some gentle ribbing? - Oh, for fu--

who the hell are you?

You are not Lord Slorch.

His Vileness was elsewhere, inventing new torments.

Your presence was a violation

of Preternatural Diplomacy. This means War.

Doesn't everything?

- Hello again. - Oh, hello.

You're almost certainly in trouble, too.

Quiet!

What are you standing around for?

Break something-- lots of things!

To be fair, Misty, Brian's Cardiologist

was always suggesting Yoga and Mindfulness,

change of diet, getting away from thinking about work.

Shut up and start hurting people.

Never really solves anything, though,

- doing that, does it? - No, and, you know,

you can love your father without having to be like him.

You know, perhaps there'll be a miracle,

and--and he'll pull through, not that he deserves it.

You should be at his side.

[quaver, high tone]

I've no idea who that lady was,

but she's right.

There must be hurting and burning!

Hell is not mocked!

- [doorbell dinging] - Missing Messiah's one thing,

Book of Life in the wrong hands is quite another.

Yes, potentially the end of everything.

Finding Michael it is, then.

[doorbell dinging]

[Michael] Hello, Uriel.

You looking for me?

I need to speak to Aziraphale.

Oh, if you mean the Supreme Archangel,

you can talk to me. Aziraphale has, um, other plans.

Wait, Supreme-- you're not in charge--

Strictly speaking, I have other plans for him,

but you know, potato potarto.

I have a plan for everything.

Well, it's more of a checklist.

Quite long, but...

just the one item for Aziraphale.

"Not existing anymore."

The Metatron.

Sandalphon.

I undid them all.

- Why? - Oh... I dunno.

Maybe the literal infinity

of grinding slog...

carrying out the idiotic plans of archangels

too vain or too nice to get the job done?

I cannot let Aziraphale botch this.

The Second Coming must be done properly,

as it was foretold.

- But that means-- - Yeah!

It means destruction!

It's my go this time,

and it's gonna be a clean slate.

Very, very clean.

[energy thrumming]

Would you like to know how I did it?

Would you?

It's remarkably easy.

I did it like...

- this. - [gasping]

Do you know what's gonna happen to you now, Uriel?

- No, I... - Nothing.

Nothing's gonna happen to you.

All the nothing in the world.

[mocking gasp] Oh, look--look.

It's happening right now.

[whooshing]

[dramatic music]

- Uriel's gone. - Gone? Gone where?

Gone gone, murdered, I expect.

There's your second death, bingo.

- We worked out who did it. - Yes, Michael.

How did you know?

Because you're too dim,

he's too nice, and I'm confident

that I didn't go on a fit of homicidal insanity.

Meanwhile,

things are just disappearing.

Pop, pop, pop.

And Canada.

We've just lost Canada.

Michael's destroying The Book of Life.

No, no, no... It's, it's impossible.

It wouldn't let you destroy it.

A few pages here and there, fine,

but no, no, no, no, it's too well-made.

Where is Michael now?

Not on Earth, not in Heaven.

Your guess is as good as mine.

If The Book of Life can't be destroyed here,

where can it be destroyed?

There isn't anywhere.

Yes, there is.

We all fought for control of it during the great war.

- My side lost. - The Eternal Flame?

- Yeah. - That would do it.

Michael must have used the Book itself

to travel to the Centre of the Universe.

That's the only way of getting there.

That is where you are very wrong.

Angel, time to go. You two, keep it all together.

- Earth, do everything you can. - Yes, please do!

Er, you've always been so good at that!

Um, worked so hard! Thank you!

[whooshing]

Australia...

what good's an Australia, anyway?

It's just... It's just stuff,

people, boomerangs,

big bouncing rats.

[dramatic music]

- Wasn't that-- - Found him!

And I found the lady.

And I've found my mission, too.

- We really should be going. - It's to reach out to people.

And do that, with the reaching out,

and the--and make them feel... well, until--

until the very end, which hopefully won't happen.

[car clunking while transformed]

Come on, lad, let's get started.

How fast did you say this goes?

On Earth, about 150, out there,

a whole lot faster than light!

[♪ Queen: "Don't Stop Me Now"]

♪ Like a tiger, defying the laws of gravity ♪

♪ I'm a racing car, passing by like Lady Godiva ♪

♪ I'm gonna go-go-go, there's no stopping me ♪

[both screaming]

[fading] ♪ I'm burning through the... ♪

Oi, oi, step right up, and no mistake,

easiest money you'll ever make.

Come on, gather 'round.

You've gotta say something as well,

you know, a bit of patter.

Er, come to me, all of you who are weary,

and I will give you rest.

Come to me if you are hurt or lonely.

Bit dark, maybe?

Looking back, I have a feeling that

this is precisely the sort of thing

that got me in trouble the last time.

I'm with you this time, don't worry.

Speak to 'em.

Oh, I've always wanted to put my foot all the way down!

[both screaming]

♪ ...I'm travelin' at the speed of light ♪

♪ I wanna make a supersonic man... ♪

[both screaming]

[both grunting, groaning]

[Aziraphale screaming]

[Crowley] Ah, there goes Alpha Centauri.

No cocktails there, then.

Hang on, Angel!

♪ Like an atom bomb ♪

♪ About to oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, explode ♪

♪ I'm burning through the sky, yeah ♪

♪ 200 degrees, that's why they call me... ♪

- Woi... - You're gonna hit that nebula!

[both grunting, screaming]

[Crowley] Relax!

♪ I wanna make a supersonic woman of you ♪

Come to me, all Ye.

- I have a gift for you. - Did he just say "all Ye"?

Have some elaborate bread and cheese.

[chuckling] Thank you.

Is there any more of that?

You know, Mutt, it was an accident.

He mixed up the pill bottles.

I always wondered.

I loved him so much.

I'll have a slice, love.

[quavering echo]

Your sister in Bridlington...

Hang on, how?

...she wants you to come home.

Yeah?

Well, she said I brought shame on't family, so...

Well, she's too proud to apologise,

and your mum's ill.

Blessed are the lonely and the hungry.

Come to me, those who are lost.

For you shall find your way home.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

Please take a piece,

there's plenty for all.

And blessed are you,

above all men,

Harry the Fish,

for you've taught me the way of the three cards.

You're like the son I never had, Josh.

I mean, I did have a son, and he doesn't speak to me,

but if he did, I couldn't be more chuffed.

[thunder rumbling]

Not only have they lost nail-boy,

they've broke Divine Law spying down here!

No, no, no, no, no, no!

Now that Heaven has lost its stupid Second Coming,

it's all gone loony feral bonkers!

[sobbing]

Ah, they're the bad guys now.

Now, now it's our time! [sobbing]

Isn't this pretty much what you said last time?

But now it will finally be me

at the front of our army,

marching into Heaven itself!

[whooshing]

Armageddon...

[whooshing]

[gasping]

Er...

[voice] Your soul is important to us, please hold.

You know, you weren't completely dim.

Oh... I was.

[cacophonous crescendo]

[dramatic music]

This doesn't feel like universal happiness.

Does anybody know what's happening?

My phone's dead. Where is everyone?

Where did he go?

But I were going back to Bridlington.

You are a joy bringer, Josh.

And I wanted to tell you that I...

Well...

this is it, I suppose.

Into your hands, I commit my spirit!

Again!

I never really seem to get much of a go.

[sizzling]

Hello, Michael.

Do you want to talk about this?

I don't really feel like talking,

thank you very much.

I've got a lot to do, I'm burning it all.

[whooshing]

Air Fryers. I'm the only one

who knows there ever were Air Fryers.

You poor thing, you-- you must be so tired.

- Must I? - Well, you've been

doing everything, haven't you? For so long.

And--And no one ever said thank you, did they?

[chuckling]

Not once, ever.

You must have got so tired being overlooked.

Not being appreciated.

For thousands of years!

Somebody had to make things work.

Oh, and--and you were so good at that, so capable.

I was, I was. And they were so stupid.

- Mm. - You were, Aziraphale,

and Gabriel, and the Metatron--

- do you remember the Metatron? - [whooshing]

He's here somewhere, I think.

Oh, yes, I'm here.

You still know... I existed, Michael.

Be quiet!

[echoing] Be quiet!

Quiet, right.

We don't have to listen to you.

You killed us.

No, but...

I'm the only one who remembers.

I remember everything.

All the strands,

all the possibilities,

everything that happened,

everything that didn't,

I remember it all, it's all in my head.

Ahh, it hurts.

That's it then.

Ah.

It's over.

The Metatron did it first.

He used to just...

used to just fiddle with things in the Book,

get them how he wanted them, and I thought maybe

I could do that, maybe I...

I... I'm the only angel

who can make the original plan work.

The Great Plan.

I do understand.

- I just wanted to fix things. - Yes.

- Yes, me too. - [gasping]

But through love...

and hope...

- Michael. - What?

There is only ever one way

to fix things.

And I'm...

going to do that now.

What?

What are you going to do?

I'm going to forgive you.

You... You can forgive me.

I...

I can't.

Take my hand, quickly!

[dramatic music]

[rumbling]

[reversed popping]

[music stops]

[Crowley] Open?

Someone might want to buy a book.

As far as I can tell,

the entirety of creation is us and this bookshop.

I don't think you're gonna get many customers.

Crowley...

before anything else happens, um...

there is one more thing that needs fixing.

What?

I need you to forgive me.

Oh, come on, Angel.

I need to hear you say it.

Ah--ugh.

Please, Crowley.

Eeh...

♪ You were right, you were right... ♪

No, don't do the dance.

Well?

Eh, I forgive you.

s-I didn't-- - I forgive you.

Thank you.

Well, there's just us.

In the whole of everything.

It's a place for us.

We've got nothing.

Well, we've got each other.

And we've probably got some cocoa.

And we've got lots of books.

Have we?

Good luck reading these.

But that's...

Even the Dickens.

[thud]

Well, if... if it's all come down to this, then...

there must be some sort of answer here, finally.

To everything.

Oh, yeah, 100,000 blank books

but one with all the answers in them.

It doesn't sound very likely, does it?

[doorbell jingling]

[ominous music]

Can I... Can I help you?

I'm afraid all the books appear to be blank.

Even the Dickens.

I know you.

You do, yes.

Oh, yes, there is...

something familiar about you.

Last time you saw me, I was a thousand feet high,

bright red, lots of horns and fabulous teeth,

arguing with my son.

Satan.

You're Satan.

That's really just a-- a job title.

It means the Adversary.

And I don't know if I still have a job,

but yes.

I was the Satan for a very long time.

Hello, Crowley.

How are you still here?

Is that any way to greet an old friend?

Oh, we were never friends.

I want answers, and I want them now.

I don't give answers.

And God definitely doesn't.

So, you're the Devil.

Hm. It can't have been much fun for you.

Fun?

It's not about having fun.

It's about pride and honour.

It's about refusing to acknowledge humans as superior.

It's about challenging God.

Yeah, but you never really did, did you?

Excuse me?

The great revolt-- the War in Heaven?

What was that then, eh?

A two week holiday in Marbella?

You knew what we didn't know, didn't you?

You knew we couldn't win.

You were never going to win, were you? That wasn't the plan!

I didn't know that, I thought we had a chance.

And so did you.

That's why you joined up.

I don't remember why I joined you, not anymore.

I was tired, and I was angry,

I wanted it all to make sense.

And you seemed to care.

I did care.

Nah.

You were just doing your job.

Do you have a pen?

Mm-hmm.

What kind of pen do you need?

Pass me a book.

Which book?

Well, it doesn't matter, they're all blank.

Whichever one you give me is the right one.

Bleak House.

But--But that isn't The Book of Life.

It is if we say it is.

What are you two idiots doing now?

I want answers.

Oh--no, no, you can't do that.

Oh, yes, we can.

Do you want to write it?

Give me the pen.

"There were four of them in that bookshop,

which was the whole world.

An angel, a former demon,

the Devil himself,

and one other,

one who was there,

because They were omnipresent.

They had always been there.

They would always be there..."

As you say, Aziraphale,

you do not really need to summon me.

I was already here.

Yes, you can be everywhere, but...

that doesn't mean... you'll talk to us, Lord.

So, Crowley, what's your question?

I thought you didn't answer questions?

Time is done, Crowley.

I'll answer one question from you.

But it had better be a good one.

Oh, it's a good one.

Well...

it's the only one I've got.

[Satan] It's not the Problem of Evil, is it?

Because I can tell you,

I'm over being blamed for that one.

No, no, not exactly that.

No, just...

Ask.

[clears throat]

Why make people

and then punish them for behaving like people?

Humans are gonna human, no matter what we do.

There's nothing we can ever do about that.

Oh, it is the Problem of Evil.

Ha--told you. So predictable.

No, no, no, it's not the Problem of Evil.

It's the--It's the problem of everything.

But let's talk about people.

They are born into a world

that is against them in a thousand different ways,

and then devote most of their energy

to making it worse.

Where you'll find the real grace

and the real heart-stopping evil

is right inside the human mind.

But a person isn't the worst thing

they've ever done, any more than

they're the best thing they've ever done.

Why make them that way?

- That's free will. - Free will?

Nah, it's just a card trick, isn't it?

The suckers think they're playing for real.

But the dealer knows. Nobody finds the lady

unless she wants them to.

[God] What about you, Aziraphale?

- Er, me? - You.

Do you have a burning question?

I just wish it'd been easier.

I just wanted to do the right thing.

You what?

You just wanted to be left alone to read.

You wanted to consume all the yummy human food.

- The lovely human music. - You say all that

as if it negates me wanting to do the right thing.

Aziraphale, you were the first angel to lie to me.

You were lazy.

Gluttonous.

Prideful.

Quite true.

And I was also the second best angel you ever had.

- You were what? - The second best angel--

Who do you think the best angel was?

This one.

I was a terrible angel.

No, no.

No, you were the best of us.

You cared so much about everything.

You were an artist.

You wanted to understand, to make better art.

The rest of us,

we were just characters in her book.

We didn't ask questions.

You were the only one of us who...

genuinely believed there had to be a...

a sensible purpose to it all.

Er--I'm nobody's character.

If I'm just a part of Her story,

then... what am I doing still here?

Do you want me to tell him, or will you?

I'm interested in what you have to say, angel.

Because it's a tidy way to finish.

Two of you,

Deity and the Adversary,

facing off.

And even shaking hands.

And then it all ends for good.

The cosmic game of chess...

is over.

When really you've just been a stand-in

in a cosmic game of solitaire.

[scoffs]

[chuckling] Ridiculous.

You know, Lord, I...

- I do have a question. - Ask it then.

Why...

why give me Crowley?

Why make me complete...

and then take it away?

You know you won't get an answer.

Because...

you were able to value

what most people never even know they have.

Your love for him...

was the messiest,

silliest, most predictable thing in the universe.

And it always made me smile.

But that was then. That universe is over.

As I think are both of you.

[rumbling]

No--whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, stop!

You still haven't answered the first question.

What I want to know is...

why did you think it was a good idea,

even a sensible idea...

to make an infinite universe...

run it for 6,000 years,

and then just... tip the board over?

The whole thing is lunacy.

Everything ends.

A story doesn't have to go beyond

the last page of its book, Crowley,

and that story is over.

I don't accept that.

And I do not accept that you're the one

that gets to make all these decisions.

Why should that be?

Very well.

I'll let you choose.

This decision, this one decision,

can be yours. What do you want?

Do you want me to put everything back the way it was?

Can we talk?

Very well. I'll give you privacy.

[birds chirping]

[gentle music]

So...

what do you want?

Me? Why me?

Because I only want one thing.

And that's not what this is about anymore.

What do you want, Crowley?

You know what I want.

I want a real universe.

I want the people to have a chance.

I want Free Will to be a real thing.

People deserve the chance...

to live in the real world.

Even if there are no angels.

No demons.

No us.

Ever again.

[gentle music]

Did I say the wrong thing?

[laughing]

[laughing]

I believe we've come to a decision.

So, then he says, "I've got a better idea,

let's not and say we did."

So, I thought, well, there you go.

[laughter]

Yes?

Made your decision?

We want you to create another universe.

One without angels. Or demons.

No god. No satan.

A universe without a Heaven and without a Hell.

No great plan, nothing ineffable.

It just starts with a Big Bang and ends

billions of years later,

with the Heat Death of the Universe.

Or, you know, however it stops.

Heat Death isn't a dealbreaker.

- No. - You're asking God

to create a Godless universe?

Neither of you could ever exist in such a universe,

you understand?

Wait.

You're not gonna indulge them

in this nonsense, are you?

Yes.

Yes, I think I am.

You two fully comprehend the cost?

We know what we're asking for.

Very well.

I'll make it. I'll make the Universe your way.

I'll even let an Earth happen.

Eventually, there'll be humans and life,

in all of its mundane glory.

Something that both of you

will neither know or experience, though.

That doesn't matter.

Say goodbye then.

[majestic music]

[low whooshing]

[music fades]

[booming]

[distant children's chatter]

[doorbell jingling]

- Uh, excuse me? - Yes, can I help you?

Uh, yeah, I was just passing, and I saw the shop.

I was wondering, do you have any books on Astrophysics?

Astrophysics, um,

Derek, do we have any books on Astrophysics?

Er, ye--oh, it's in there, beside Gardening,

opposite Philosophy.

I knew that.

Um... this way.

Er...

ah, here we are.

Um, Astrophysics for Everyone:

From the Big Bang to the Pillars of Creation.

We've had this for years.

I think I could probably give it to you for half price.

Hmm...

you have no idea how much that hurts me.

Oh--well, did I say something wrong?

No, I shouldn't have said anything, sorry.

No, um...

I wrote it.

Oh--oh!

Well, right.

Yes, you--well, I mean, you don't want your own book.

Probably already got a copy.

Two boxes in the garage.

[laughing]

Um, well, how about this?

Yes, it's not exactly cutting edge, but...

Oh, this is, um,

Arthur Eddington's book on Relativity.

Second edition, I'm afraid.

This--I've always wanted a copy of this.

Oh, wonderful, this is my lucky day.

Oh, good, mine too.

- How so? - Because I, um...

have a book you want.

Fair enough.

Oh, 20 pounds, wonderful, thank you.

Er...

did you see we've got a couple of Brian Cox's?

And that big book of "Astrophysics for Everyone."

No, no, he's-- he's the author, Derek.

Yes, he has two boxes

- in his garage. - Oh.

I definitely shouldn't have mentioned that.

There you are, enjoy.

Well, thank you.

So, that was Professor Anthony Crowley.

How'd you know that?

Hmm?

Well, his name's in big letters

on the book you're still holding.

Well, aren't you going to go after him?

Why would I possibly go after him?

Well, you liked him.

And it looked very much like he liked you.

Oi--I mean, excuse me, stop.

Oh, sorry, did I leave something? Is everything okay?

Oh...

- I told you, two boxes-- - No, I know.

Um...

sorry, a bit puffed.

Um, no, I bought it.

Would you-- could you sign it for me?

Of course.

- What's your name? - Fell, Asa Fell.

With an S.

- Um, do you have a... - Oh! Yes, sorry.

Er, yes.

I need you to write your number down too, for me.

So I can ask you to dinner.

And... you'll say no,

and, um... but at least I'll have asked.

Um...

I'm not going to give you my number.

No, no, no, no. Sorry.

I'll wait for you.

Where are we having dinner?

[♪ Cyndi Lauper: "Time After Time"]

♪ Lyin' in my bed ♪

♪ I hear the clock tick and think of you ♪

♪ Caught up in circles ♪

♪ Confusion is nothing new ♪

♪ Flashback, warm nights ♪

- Cheers. - ♪ Almost left behind ♪

- ♪ Suitcase of memories ♪ - Thank you.

- ♪ Time after ♪ - Now...

- So, how was everything? - Oh, it was scrumptious.

Absolutely scrumptious.

I've never heard anyone use that word

in real life before.

Ah, well, my mother used to say it.

Right.

Another one she used to say was "Tickety-boo."

- Right. - And... and "Squiffy."

- Squiffy, that's good. - Hopelessly

- yet amusingly drunk. - Yes, yes.

Um, so the bookshop?

Ah, well, Derek,

that's the owner, he...

♪ Time after time ♪

♪ If you fall, I will catch you ♪

♪ I'll be waiting ♪

♪ Time after time ♪

♪ If you're lost, you can look ♪

♪ And you will find me ♪

♪ Time after time ♪

♪ If you fall, I will catch you... ♪

- Cocoa delivery. - Oh.

- Oh, it's scrumptious. - Mmm.

There you go.

How are the celestial bodies tonight? Behaving?

It's the Eta Aquarid meteor shower.

We mightn't need a telescope.

We can see it with the naked eye.

Ahh, well, maybe we should...

look at them together.

Oh, look. A shooting star.

Oh.

Technically, it's-- it's meteorite debris

from Halley's comet.

Well, I--I know it's not a real shooting star,

but I want to make a wish.

Oh, right.

There.

[bird chirping]

Do you hear that bird?

[bird chirping]

That's definitely a nightingale.

How can you tell?

Well, it's not an owl.

- And it's night. - [chuckling]

You wouldn't know a nightingale

if it perched on the end of your nose.

It's definitely, definitely a nightingale.

Do you ever wonder if there's...

anything more than this?

I don't need anything more than this.

I--I have the universe out there,

- and I have you. - Oh.

I have everything I've ever wanted.

[majestic music]

[whooshing]

♪ Ooh, you make me live ♪

♪ Whatever this world can give to me ♪

♪ It's you, you're all I see ♪

♪ Ooh, you make me ♪

♪ Live now, honey ♪

♪ Ooh, you make me live ♪

♪ Oh, you're the best friend ♪

♪ That I ever had ♪

♪ I've been with you such a long time ♪

♪ You're my sunshine ♪

♪ And I want you to know ♪

♪ That my feelings are true ♪

♪ I really love you ♪

- ♪ Ooh ♪ - ♪ Oh, you're my best friend ♪

[instrumental]

[instrumental fades]