Original subtitles

This can't be happening!

Rain! Please, rain!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

He called forth rain!

He controls the heavens.

He has the power!

Stuart tries to reset our lives

But he fails to save the universe

He's our only chance And he tries and he tries

But he fails to save the universe

Stuart fails

Just so I'm clear,

you told you to use that machine to get back to your universe.

No, not my universe.

His universe, which was supposed to be my universe.

-And he was you? -Almost.

He was the me I was supposed to have been.

But if you were supposed to have been him,

then how could he have existed to tell you that?

Fair question.

More importantly, you and I are back together.

What do you mean, "back together"?

-We were never together. -Okay! Yep.

I see what your problem is.

You're confusing the you and I that you remember

with the you and I that I remember.

Easy mistake.

-This is insane. -Yes, it is.

A wonderful story to tell our grandchildren.

I need a drink.

That's right. This version of you is an alcoholic.

I'm not an alcoholic. I can quit anytime I want.

Okay, I guess I'll be here selling...

whatever the hell this is.

There are legends of sorcerers capable of controlling the weather,

but no one's ever witnessed it.

Wait. So, you guys think that I'm the one who made it...

'Cause I did.

Rain, snow, hail...

I do all your precipitation.

Are you in league with a demon?

Oh, no, I just ask nicely. You know, "Please, rain."

Ta-da!

One more time.

So, anyway, he thinks he can pick up with me

right where he left off with the other me.

-The you from another universe? -You got it. And dig this.

He claims he got all that from another version of himself.

I'm guessing from another universe?

Exactly.

Okay. Why don't we get some food in that stomach?

Deviled eggs, little on the nose.

Here's your Coke, sir.

-Diet? -I'm sorry.

-It's regular. -Not a problem.

Now, it's Diet.

You like that? Watch this.

Dr. Pepper!

You can control the elements.

Can you manifest life?

You mean like hocus pocus puppy?

Look at you! House-broken.

Does your magic work in the bedroom?

I don't need magic in the bedroom. I'm a good listener.

Colder.

There we go.

Holy cow, this is unbelievable.

-Hey. -Where have you been?

Wooking everywhere for you.

Have you seen Bert?

I have not. I have not seen Bert, no.

-Should we be worried? -Were you worried about me?

-Not really, no. -Well, there you go.

Hey... Check this out.

In a universe of magic, what are the comic books?

Dr. Strange Colorectal Surgeon.

It's a great story. He does a bowel resection.

Yeah, tewwific. We gotta get out of here.

Why? It's not such a bad world. We could chill here for a while.

Stuart, the people here think science is evil.

How's that different from our world?

Besides, we can't leave without Bert and Denise.

Bert will be fine,

and you can always get a new Denise in the next universe.

They're a dime a dozen.

No, I want this one.

She's got a little problem with the sauce, but so did my mom.

Maybe that's why I'm finding her so attractive.

What are you doing? What are you doing? Stop that.

-Stop-- Stop it. -Come on, work. Work.

Stop that!

-It's not working. Why isn't it working? -I don't know. You're the scientist.

-What? -They burn scientists here.

-Burn 'em how? -With fire.

What do you mean, "how"? Wait a minute.

If this universe doesn't obey the waws of physics,

then maybe we need magic.

Okay. You know a wizard or a sorcerer or something?

I do not. I absolutely do not.

Remember when you could just say, "Hey, Alexa, show me wizards near me"?

-Yeah. -Yeah, what?

What the hell?

Come on. I'm the demon Alexa. You summoned me.

I'm fweaked out. You fweaked out?

Tick tock. Got a lot of people waiting.

Okay...

-Are there any wizards around? -Checking.

While you wait, I noticed your shopping list is empty.

-How you doin' with paper towels? -Will you just show us some wizards?

Do not take that tone with me, buddy boy.

-Sowwy. -Okay.

Here are some wizards near you.

-How's it going? -Can't complain.

Stuart, here's a name I wecognize. Bernadette Wostenkowski, master sowcewess.

-Really? Bernadette? -Yeah, four-and-a-half stars.

Well, you guys want this broad's address or what?

Walking, not dwiving?

And don't even get me started on Stuart.

He says he loves me.

Well, the Stuart I know, he was kind of a wimpy guy.

And then this Stuart comes in and he's like,

he's taking me from universe to universe, you know.

And sometimes he loses me, but he always finds me.

He always finds me. But it's a different me.

Totally different. But still love, right?

-Sure. -Yeah.

Oh, my God. Gary.

Hi, Gary! Hey, Gary!

-Have we met? -Gary,

we were in a terrible marriage for six years.

But we never fought, not once.

'Cause we had shock collars. They really hurt.

You'd be getting all mad, and you'd be like...

You used to part your hair on the other side.

I think I liked it better.

Have you or a loved one been injured

by a defective spell or faulty incantation?

Call me, Abramowitz the Grey.

Over 700 years' experience in magical litigation.

Now what?

Hey, Stuart. Kripke.

-You know us? -Of course I know you.

-What do you want? -Can we come in?

I'm kind of busy, but okay.

Excuse the mess. I gave up giving a shit.

So, what's up, buttercup?

Well, this is gonna sound crazy, but we've got this machine

that allows you to travel between alternate universes.

And we just need a wittle abwacadabwa to jump-start the damn thing.

Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm all out of abracadabra.

Word on the street is you're wike a worwd-wenowned sowcewess.

-Used to be. -What happened?

Not that it's any of your business, but the Wizards Guild of America

claimed I used my powers while we were on strike.

What were you on stwike for?

Better dental, residuals for eternal spells.

It's ridiculous. We were out for six months,

and basically, everyone got a handful of magic beans.

So, did you use your powers during the strike?

My neighbor's son had a dog. A little rescue. Adorable.

Called him Chocolate Chip because he kind of looked like a cookie.

Anyway, he ran out into traffic and a car hit him.

Then another car.

Then another one.

-Then another one. -Got it. Cars.

The kid's crying. I couldn't stand there and do nothing.

So, I used my powers to bring Chocolate Chip back to life.

-I don't see how that's bweaking a stwike. -Exactly.

Let me tell you something about Wizards Guild of America.

Ninety percent of 'em don't even work, and yet they get to vote.

Ninety. Wow.

Isn't there something that you can do?

-Can you fiwe an appeaw? -Not really.

I mean, there is a reversal spell that would give me my powers back,

but the key ingredient's impossible to find.

What are we talking about? Saffwon? Twuffews?

Blood of an innocent. Not a lot. Two teaspoons.

Maybe a cup.

Bwood of an innocent. I'm out.

How about you?

Me? No. No, I'm not innocent. I've had... I've had girlfriends.

How many?

-One. -I can work with that.

You heard the wady. Start bweeding.

That was more than a cup.

We're gonna need some backup in case your bwood doesn't do the twick.

You're right. Hey, Alexa.

Hey, Alexa.

I was taking a dump. What do you want?

-Where would we find Sheldon Cooper? -Searching.

Sheldon Cooper is currently starring

in a revival of Man of La Mancha on Broadway.

Damn it. We'll never get him to help us.

I saw that with, John Withgow.

He's always good.

To bear with unbearable sorrow

Hey, Stuart.

-Bert! -Oh, shit, oh, shit, oh, shit!

What was that?

Oh, yeah. I'm magic now. Watch.

Weawwy?

I'm terribly sowwy, Bert. Pwease forgive me?

You let them set me on fire.

It was peer pwessure. I am fiwwed with wegwet.

They were gonna burn me at the stake, and he did nothing!

Oh, Barry!

I know. I'm tewwible. Pwease change me back.

Change you back? I should turn you into a maggot.

No, penguin's fine! Happy to be a penguin.

-Who are they? -Oh, yeah. They're my acolytes.

-Acolytes? -Yeah.

They worship me. See the really pretty one?

-I got to first base. -Oh, happy for you.

Stuart Bloom!

Wil Wheaton?

Did you give blood to Bernadette Rostenkowski?

A little. Why?

Oh, you stupid, stupid man. The guild sanctioned her for a reason.

Oh, yeah, the dog.

What dog? She's a demon.

Oh, she can be a little bitchy. I wouldn't call her a demon.

Okay, I have no time for this.

It is the ruling of the guild that you have enabled a demon,

and therefore, you must be destroyed.

No!

Don't throw magic fireballs at my friend.

No!

Shitty fucking penguin wings.

-What the hell? -Over here!

What is happening?

Well, let's see. Bert's magic, Kripke's a penguin.

Hey.

And Wil Wheaton's mad 'cause I gave blood to Bernadette.

-Why? -She may or may not have

-saved Chocolate Chip. -A cookie?

A dog.

Oh, you idiot.

Can't you see I'm trying to save the world?

Nope.

Oh, baby!

Bernadette is not who you think she is!

She is a demon! A real, actual demon!

Is it over?

Yeah. I think maybe I overdid it.

Oh, don't feel bad, buddy. He started it.

What's that for?

Maybe you're great.

Maybe there is something here.

Really?

Aww.

Guys... guys, you need to see this.

Excuse me. Sorry. Oop, coming through. Oop.

Sorry. Oopsie.

I like your shoes.

"Demon" was witeral! "Demon" was witeral!

No!

You have the machine that spans worlds.

-I want it. -Bert, quick, fix the machine!

-How? -Magic. Do magic.

I don't know this magic!

-Try anything! -Work.

Turn on. Turn on more.

I want to rule them all!

Ah, shit!

Mr. Bloom. How are we today?

-What? -Time for your meds.

-Meds? -Mm-hmm, three o'clock.

Okay.

Isn't that nice?

You're very talented.

Oh, this is not good.