Original subtitles

I know it sounds crazy...

but Penny was like

some kind of revolutionary guerrilla leader,

fighting against this AI government thing

that put chips in everyone's neck.

And the chips, they were inserted with magic?

No, no, that's the next universe.

That's a completely different ball of wax.

Right, sorry.

"Different ball of wax."

And I know you. I mean, from my universe.

But you weren't a psychiatrist, you were a neurobiologist.

Well, good for me.

And this all happened before or after the apocalypse?

Before. After civilization collapsed,

there wasn't a big demand for neurobiologists.

Rat farmers, sure, you know? People gotta eat.

Okay, here's what we're gonna do.

Let's keep your Shamoxil where it is,

and I'm going to double your dosage on Trafederine,

see if that doesn't help.

You think I'm crazy?

That's not a word we like to use around here, but...

Doesn't matter. I...

gotta get out of this place.

To go to a different universe?

Not just different, a good universe.

You know, without giant moths, or evil demons.

Right, sure.

Well, if you make progress,

it's not out of the question that someday you can leave.

Someday? What does "someday" mean?

It means a vague time in an unspecified future.

That sounds like never to me.

"Never" is not a word we use around here.

It can be upsetting.

Open.

Thank you.

And remember, Dr. Fowler upped our dosage,

so we might wanna take it easy for a while.

"We"? Are you on these drugs too?

You're a crack-up.

I like you.

Who builds a hallway like this?

Bert.

Thank God.

Let's get out of here.

Careful there, Chachi.

- Who are you? - Who am I?

I'm Mamie Eisenhower.

I'm a Sherpa.

A Sherpa?

I thought Sherpa was an ethnic group.

It is. I converted.

I met a girl online.

We did the whole thing, you know, the classes, the ceremony.

Then she goes back to her ex.

I don't know what to say. I'm sorry?

No, I'm working through it.

I'm in therapy.

I'm thinking about ayahuasca.

I think that's a good idea.

I don't know. We'll find out.

There's something wrong with the door.

Hello my baby, hello my honey Hello, my ragtime gal

Send me a kiss by wire Baby, my heart's on fire

If you refuse me, honey, you'll lose me Then you'll be all alone

Oh, baby, telephone And tell me I'm your own

Stuart.

How'd you get out?

I didn't. You're very high.

That's all, folks!

- Hey. How'd you get out here? - No!

No, you don't understand! I can't stay here!

None of this is real.

I can't stay in this universe!

- None of this is real. - What's not real?

Mr. Bloom, you have a visitor.

- Denise? - There's my guy.

You gotta get me out of here.

Oh, honey, I wish I could. You've gotta get well first.

There's nothing wrong with me.

Stuart, please, you need help.

I miss you. The children miss you.

I have children?

- Oh, my God. - I'm a dad?

You're a wonderful dad.

Jaden and Talia love you so very much.

Okay. I'll do the work.

- I'll get better. - Thank you.

Whose idea was it to name them Jaden and Talia?

- Yours. - I do need help.

Okay, very interesting interpretation.

Stuart, do you have anything that you'd like to add to that?

Stuart?

Okay.

Mom? Dad?

There's something I need to get off my chest.

"What is it, honey?" "Just listen."

"And that's why I felt invisible."

"No, Dad, you're talking out of turn!"

- "You have a son named Stuart." - And here's Stuart.

"Oh, my goodness! He's come home."

In the past, I'd be full of fear.

Now, I'm just feeling the love from deep within.

That's great. Good job.

Everybody, round of applause for Stuart.

Good job, good job.

I see you've been working very hard.

- I have, yeah. - I've got a nice note here

from your occupational therapist.

Really?

"Mr. Bloom brings a refreshing enthusiasm

- to his leather work." - I made this wallet.

Three compartments and... a coin purse.

Always need a place for your coins.

But how are we feeling about these other universes?

I'm glad you asked.

I've come to understand that I was batshit crazy.

Not the word that I would use, but a word that I would think.

I still have some concerns.

No, I'm...

I'm eating well, I'm sleeping well.

Last movie night, they played Step Brothers,

and I laughed... in all the right places.

Any way you look at it, I am well.

Well, that's not really for you to decide, is it?

No, it's for you to decide.

- Have you? - I have.

I can make you a nice belt.

Not necessary. It's time you go home.

Thank you, thank you.

You're welcome.

Think you'll be letting Bert out anytime soon?

We don't have a patient named Bert.

Of course not. I was just testing you.

You passed!

I'm gonna go now.

Bye! If any of my friends lose their marbles, I'll send 'em here.

You doing okay?

- Yeah, great. - Good.

I am so, so glad you're coming home.

Me too.

I mean, I don't wanna put any pressure on things

or push you too much, but...

Mama really missed her Big Daddy.

I'm Big Daddy?

- Yeah, you are. - Okay.

- Yeah. - Just checking.

"Big" is a... great adjective.

Unless you're talking about a suspicious lump.

We just have to make one little stop.

- For what? - You'll see.

Big Daddy loves surprises.

Oh, yeah.

- Denise, what is all this? - It's your exhibition.

You're the hottest artist going.

I am?

- The man of the hour. - Bert.

What are you doing here?

What are you talking about? It's my gallery.

Okay, come on, everybody's dying to meet you.

Help me out. Am I down-to-Earth famous, or more asshole famous?

- Asshole. - Great.

Yes, it's me!

Good to see you.

- Wow. - Thank you so much.

Denise, I'm gonna need some Purell.

Thank you.

I don't even remember painting most of these.

Good to... Good to see you, yeah.

That's...

- I love your work. - What's that?

I'm a huge fan.

M'kay!

Who's ready for a hot dog?

- I am! - Me! Me!

Fresh-squeezed lemonade.

Yay!

- How you doing? - Great.

I can't believe I thought there was a better universe

than this one right here.

Welcome back, neighbor.

- Kripke? - Guilty as charged.

We're neighbors?

I wike to think we're a wittwe more than neighbows.

I held your son at his bwis.

We're Jewish?

So, how was the woony bin?

It's not a loony bin, Barry. It's a hospital.

- Yeah, fow woonies. - Barry...

I'm kidding. I'm a kidder. Just ask my husband.

Is this guy giving you the business?

- Gary? - Hey, Stuart.

- I... gotta go lay down. - Are you okay?

I'm not sure.

Wooks wike they didn't tighten all the scwews there.

- You're terrible. - And you wove it.

Denise, I'm gonna go for a little walk, clear my head.

Want me to come with?

That's okay. I won't be long.

You're not listening to me, okay?

The centrifugal force of Thor's hammer is what allows him to fly.

But Thor is throwing it. That violates Newton's first law.

Hey, hey. Settle an argument for us.

Laws of physics don't apply to Norse gods, right?

Of course not.

Thor, along with the other inhabitants of Asgard,

exist outside the paradigm of the physical universe.

How do I know that?

Oh, boy.

- How was your walk? - Good.

What you got there?

Bought a comic book.

- Since when do you read comic books? - People read comic books.

What is with you?

Sorry. That was too loud.

"It was like any other Tuesday at Caltech. Smart people doing smart stuff."

"Leonard, Sheldon, and Howard constructed

a Vari-state Quantum Entanglement Device."

"Stuart Bloom stopped by to share the news of a clean colonoscopy."

"In his excitement, he knocked the device off the table."

Honey, everything all right?

Yeah, give me a minute.

"From that point on,

Stuart was entangled with the fate of the universe."

- Jesus. - You need the MiraLAX?

No, no. I'm okay.

Don't strain. Remember, that's how Elvis died.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure, sure, sure.

"Messages were sent to help him, but the big dope didn't notice."

I'm a big dope? You're a big dope.

If you need it, there's a Fleet enema under the sink.

Great, thanks.

"So you've gotta fix it."

"We're going to send you more instructions, but first,

you have to escape from this prison."

"Prison"?

"None of this is real!"

Coming!

- What you got there, neighbor? - Nothing, nothing.

Doesn't wook wike nothing.

Mind your own damn business, Barry!

That was vewy wude.

What's that?

- You can see it? - Yeah, I can see it. What is it?

You ever wonder whether any of this is real?

What are you talking about?

Doesn't bother you that everything seems perfect?

No. This is the life we dreamed of.

Exactly!

When have my dreams ever come true?

- Stuart, you're scaring me. - You think you're scared now?

You might wanna tighten your sphincter.

Yuck!

I'm bald.

What'd you do? Where are we?

It looks like The Matrix to me.

Technically, we're out of the Matrix.

So, what, the house, the kids, the cable TV, none of that was real?

Oh, man. I wiked it there.

I mean, I was homosexual,

but my husband was a weal wooker.

- Guys, this is The Matrix. - Yeah, we know.

No, it's literally a scene from the movie.

You're right.

We're still trapped.

Are you sure? It wooks wike we escaped.

That's what they want us to think.

- Who is "they"? - I don't know.

Hang on.

You guys ready?

There's no way to know where we're gonna land.

Anywhere, as wong as I'm stwaight.

That is so inappropriate.

I know, I know. It's not a choice.

Well, we're not in Pasadena.

- Is it real? - Seems real.

Sand, organic material, clay.

Could be kaolinite or montmorillonite.

What's that mean?

It's dirt.

Why didn't you just say "dirt"?

I was showing off a little.

Did you hear something?

No hurt.

- Peaceful. - We come from far.

We good.

- What do you think? - I don't know.

They sound stupid.