Original subtitles

NARRATOR: History has known many great liars...

Copernicus, Goebbels,

Saint Ralph the Liar.

But there have been none quite so vile as the Tudor King, Henry VIL.

It was he, who rewrote history

to portray his predecessor, Richard III,

as a deformed maniac who killed his nephews in the tower.

(SNICKERING)

But the real truth is that Richard was a kind and thoughtful man

who cherished his young wards.

What have we here?

In particular, Richard, Duke of York,

who grew into a big, strong boy.

Henry also claimed he won the Battle of Bosworth Field,

and killed Richard III.

Again, the truth is very different.

For it was Richard, Duke of York, who became king after Bosworth Field

and reigned for 13 glorious years.

As for who really killed Richard IIT

and how the defeated Henry Tudor escaped with his life,

all is revealed in this,

the first chapter of a history never before told,

the history of The Black Adder.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

Silence, silence for the King!

Now is the summer of our sweet content,

made o'ercast winter by these Tudor clowns.

And I that am not shaped for black-faced war...

(ALL CHEERING)

...] that am rudely cast and want true majesty...

(ALL BOOING)

...am forced to fight to set sweet England free.

I pray to heaven we fare well

and all who fight us go to hell!

ALL: Hurrah!

Hey, absolutely, hurray!

Who is that?

I know not, My Lord. I'll ask my son.

Harry, who is that?

Your other son, My Lord.

It is my other son, My Lord.

Fights he with us on the morrow?

What's his name?

Edmund.

Edna!

Fight you with us on the morrow?

Oh, goodness, no. No, I thought I'd fight with the enemy.

You're not putting him anywhere near me, are you?

Oh, no, no, he'll be somewhere amongst the rabble.

Oh, arrow fodder.

- Precisely. - Yes.

(CHUCKLES)

What a little turd.

Percy, you see how the King picks me out for special greeting?

- No, My Lord. - I saw it, My Lord.

Ah! And what is your name, little fellow?

- My name is Baldrick, My Lord. - Oh.

Then I shall call you...

Baldrick.

And I shall call you "My Lord", My Lord.

(CHUCKLES)

I like the cut of your jib, young fellow-me-lad.

How'd you like to be my squire in the battle tomorrow?

It will be a great day tomorrow for we, nobles.

Well, not if we lose, Percy.

If we lose, I'll be chopped to pieces.

My arms will end up in Essex, my torso in Norfolk,

and my genitalia stuck up a tree somewhere in Rutland.

With you at the helm, My Lord, we cannot lose.

Ah.

We could if we wanted to.

Ah, but we won't, Percy.

And I shall prove to all that I am a man.

But you are a man, My Lord.

But how shall it be proved, Percy?

Well, they can look up that tree in Rutland.

Will you stop, My Lord?

It shall be proved by mine enemies rushing to the water closet in terror.

- Hurrah! - Hurrah.

Come, a toast!

Let all those who go to don armour tomorrow,

remember to go before they don armour tomorrow!

(EXCLAIMS)

Already, I can hear the sound of battle ringing in my ears.

Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more.

Consign their parts most private to a Rutland tree.

Let "Blood, blood, blood" be your motto!

Slit their gizzards!

- (CHUCKLING) - (MEN CHEERING)

Now, I'm afraid there's going to have to be a certain amount of...

violence.

But at least we know it's all in a good cause, don't we?

(MEN CHEERING)

And gentlemen in London still a-bed

shall think themselves accursed they were not here.

And hold their manhood cheap,

while others speak of those who fought with us

on Ralph the Liar's Day!

(MEN CHEERING)

(SNORING)

(SNORING LOUDER)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

- Edmund. - (EDMUND MUMBLES)

Edmund.

Oh, Mother, what do you want?

Did you want to go to the battle this morning?

(ALARM CLOCK RINGING)

(GASPS) Oh, my God, it's 11:00!

BALDRICK: My Lord? EDMUND: What is it?

BALDRICK: Where is this battle, then?

EDMUND: Oh, somewhere called Bosworth Field.

BALDRICK: Ah.

Oh... Damn, damn!

First decent battle since I've reached puberty.

Here we are, My Lord.

EDMUND: Onward, Baldrick, to glory!

(EDMUND URGES HORSE)

- (SWORDS CLASH) - (HORSES WHINNY)

(STAMMERS) Yes, erm...

I'm not so sure we're needed, you know, Baldrick.

I mean, everything seems to be going very well, doesn't it?

Everyone's fighting,

clearly having the time of their lives.

- Why, some people over there aren't fighting, they're...

They're just lying down!

They're dead, My Lord.

Ah.

Damn, I knew I'd forgotten something.

Would you excuse me a moment, Baldrick?

- Your Majesty... - Ah.

You've lost your steed. Take mine.

No, no, no. I've won the battle, I've saved the kingdom.

I think I can find myself a horse.

True, My Noble Lord. I'll see you back at the castle.

So be it.

(URGES HORSE)

A horse! (WHISTLES)

A horse.

My kingdom for a horse.

Ah!

Horsey.

(URINATING)

Who is this?

Oi! That's my horse!

(GRUNTING)

That'll teach you!

(CHUCKLES)

You won't be doing that again now, will you?

Oh, my God, it's Uncle Richard.

(SCREAMS)

- What's up, My Lord? - (MUTTERS)

(BOTH GRUNT)

Oh, dear, Richard III.

- What are you going to do? - Well, quick!

Quick.

Hold it there. Hold it there.

My Lord!

(BALDRICK GROANS)

Will you wait? Will you wait?

Oh, well done.

(BOTH SIGH)

Where's the head?

I thought you had it.

Oh, Baldrick! I can't be expected to carry everything!

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

Percy, you brainless son of a prostitute,

where've you been?

I've just proved that I'm a man.

Look what I've found!

Oh, thank God. Quick, Percy, quick!

Put it down and let's get out of here!

No, no, no. I found it, it's mine.

What do you mean it's "yours"?

I've got to use it to prove that I killed a nobleman.

And which nobleman, pray?

Er...

(CHUCKLES) Well, it's the King actually.

(WHIMPERING)

Quick! Quick!

Lost! All is lost!

What?

Flee! Flee!

Oh, my God. Quick, let's get out of here.

Take me with you.

Get your hands off!

If you leave me alone here, I'll die.

If you don't leave me alone, I'll kill you myself.

- (GROANS) - Now, leave him here. Come on, Baldrick!

I'll give you money.

Ten thousand sovereigns!

(GASPING)

- Mother! - Edmund, dear.

How did it go?

Within seconds Henry Tudor will be here at our gates!

Oh, but Edmund, I'm not ready.

I haven't had a bath or anything.

Mother, Henry is our enemy.

When his men get here,

they'll brutally ravish you and every woman in the castle.

Oh, well, I shan't bother to change then.

My Lord!

- What do you want? - Listen!

Oh, my God. They're here already.

Run for your lives!

Run for the hills!

No, My Lord, they're... They're coming from the hills.

Sorry, run away from the hills! Run away from the hills!

If you see the hills, run the other way!

No, My Lord, it's all right.

They're flying the banners of King Richard.

That's impossible. He's dead, isn't he?

King Richard... Dead?

Yes. Er...

God knows how.

Oh, dear.

That's really upset the tulip cart.

Those flags, Percy, are obviously just a cunning trick

to deceive us into staying.

No, My Lord, I don't think it is a cunning trick.

Well, no, it's not a particularly cunning trick,

because we've seen through it.

But they obviously thought it was cunning when they thought it up.

What I mean, My Lord, is I don't think they did think it up.

What, you think someone else thought it up

and they borrowed it for the occasion?

No, My Lord, I don't think it's a trick at all.

You don't think riding up to a castle under someone else's banner is a trick?

Well, no, I suppose it isn't...

- (BANGING ON DOOR) - Ahhh!

(DOOR CREAKING)

It's only your father.

Who locked that bloody door?

Richard, it's you!

Well, who'd you expect it to be, woman?

I thought it would be Henry Tulip.

Henry Tulip?

Have you lost your conkers?

So you won?

Yes, of course. We won.

We won!

- Victory! - (ALL CHEER)

So I suppose now you want to ravish me.

Yes, yes, in a moment.

The woman's insatiable.

Three cheers for good King Richard.

- Hup, hup... - ALL: Huzzah!

- Hup, hup... - ALL: Huzzah!

- Hup, hup... - ALL: Huzzah!

Huzzah!

All we need now is King Richard to be here,

and the day shall be complete!

(SIGHS) Yes. What a pity he's dead.

What? Well, who told you that?

Well, Edmund.

Is this true?

Er... Well...

I wouldn't know really. I was nowhere near him at the time.

I just heard from someone that he, er...

Er... I mean, I don't even know where he was killed.

I was completely on the opposite side of the field,

I was nowhere near the cottage.

Not that it was the cottage.

It was the river. But then, I wouldn't know, of course...

Because I wasn't there.

But apparently some fool cut his head off...

Or at least killed him in some way.

Perhaps took an ear off, or something.

Yes. Yes, in fact, I think he was only wounded.

Er... Or was that somebody else?

Yes, I think it was. Well, he wasn't even wounded.

- Why, did someone say he was dead? - Yes!

- What? - It's true, My Lord.

I stumbled on his body myself.

Oh, pardon me, thou bleeding piece of earth!

- Good night, sweet King. - That's enough of that.

- May flights of angels sing... - Thank you, Harry. Thank you, Harry.

(SHOUTING) Thank you, Harry!

Yes.

And we all know who did this dreadful deed, don't we?

- Yes. - Henry Tudor!

Yes! And he still roams free.

Harry, call for silence!

Silence!

For the King!

ALL: Long live King Richard IV!

This day has been as t'were a mighty stew

in which the beef of victory was mixed

with the vile turnip of sweet Richard slain

and the grisly dumpling of his killer fled.

But we must eat the yellow wobbly parts

the good Lord serves.

In life, each man gets what he deserves!

Well, come on. Let's go and kill some more prisoners.

- Hup, hup... - ALL: Huzzah!

- Hup, hup... - ALL: Huzzah!

- Hup, hup... - ALL: Huzzah!

ALL: Hurrah!

We're safe and I am a prince of the realm.

- Hup, hup... - Huzzah!

Huzzah.

Can you imagine the power?

It's ours, all ours!

What?

- Yours, all yours! - Yours.

Ah, Edmund, there you are.

Now, I know it's a little early,

but I'd just like to get these battle averages sorted out.

Now then, who did you kill today?

Erm...

No one.

No one! Oh, dear.

Right, er, I'll put you down for a duck then,

which I'm afraid takes you out of the running for the Legion Of Honour.

Oh, I see. Sorry.

Sorry, I thought you meant had I killed King Richard.

What?

What was the question?

Who did you kill today?

Oh, I see. Er, right...

Er... Let's see. Um...

(MOUTHS)

Pedant.

What?

Pleasant...

Pedant.

(STAMMERS) Peas...

- (MOUTHS) - Peasants! Peasants!

There were a lot of peasants. But they don't really count, do they?

Only in the event of a tie.

Nevertheless, how many did you kill?

Oh, er...

- Four... - Four.

...hundred. Hundred.

Four hundred... Hand.

Four hundred... Hand...

Fifty.

- Four hundred and fifty! - (CHUCKLES)

Good Lord. That's three times more than myself!

Yes, well, I had a couple of lucky breaks.

Any nobles?

Ah, let me see... Nobles...

- (MOUTHS) - Um, I think...

Lord... Lord Coverdale.

Who fought on our side, I believe.

Uh, yes, I think Lord Coverdale saw me slaying, erm...

- Warwick. - Warwick the Wild, of Leicester?

Yes, that's him, and pretty wild he was, too.

He took some finishing off, I can tell you.

Yes, indeed. I killed him myself at one point. Anyone else?

Um, er... Now, let me see. Er...

I'm just trying to put names to faces.

Yes. Well, this is the list of the lords as yet unaccounted for.

Erm, Roger de Runcey.

Oh, de Runcey, yes, he was one of mine. Yes.

- Uh... Lord Thomas of Devon. - Ah, yes, backslash.

- Lord Yeovil. - Ah, yes, groin job.

Good Lord.

This is remarkable, Edmund! Remarkable!

Oh, and the Bishop of Bath and Wells...

Oh, yes. Will never walk again!

...will conduct the thanksgiving service.

Oh, Bath and Wells?

Ah, Lord Percy.

Edmund tells me that you managed to turn up late for the battle,

so there's not much point in asking you your score, is there?

(DOOR CLOSES)

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

At last, I can relax.

Who the hell is this?

Ah, well, you remember that dying man we saw in the cottage?

The one I specifically told you not to bring back to the castle

under any circumstances?

Mmm-hmm. Yes, that's the one. Yes.

So what's he doing in my bed?

Well, he claims to be a wealthy man.

I thought if we nurse him back to health,

- he may reward us. - Now, wait!

I think I have an idea.

If he is a wealthy man and we nurse him back to health,

he may reward us!

Ah, brilliant, My Lord. Very quick thinking.

BOTH: Thank you, Baldrick.

Well, what would you expect?

After all, who has the fastest brain in the land?

Prince Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh.

Who is the boldest horseman in the land?

- Prince Edmund... - BOTH: Duke of Edinburgh.

Who is the bravest swordsman in the land?

Oh, don't tell me... That's that... Oh, from Norfolk.

- Prince... - BOTH: Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh.

Precisely.

Or, as I shall be known from now on...

The Black Vegetable.

My Lord, wouldn't something like The Black Adder sound better?

No, wait.

I think I have a better idea.

What about...

The Black Adder?

BOTH: Hurrah.

That one!

That pair!

That one!

(CHUCKLES)

(EXCLAIMS)

- Very witty, My Lord. - Ah, thank you, Baldrick.

Very, very, very witty, My Lord.

Ah, thank you, Percy.

You're certainly wittier than your father,

- My Lord. - Oh...

Yes, and head and shoulders over Richard III!

Is that supposed to be witty?

Er... No, My Lord.

(STAMMERS) That was an example of the sort of thing

that you yourself would not stoop to.

- Go away! - BOTH: Yes, My Lord.

Oh, you're still here, are you?

Er... Yes.

Wait a minute!

Haven't I seen you somewhere before?

I don't know. I feel that I've seen you before also.

Well, I am Prince Edmund, son of Richard IV, in fact.

- Why? Who are you? - Well, I'm not important.

Not important? You mean you're not rich?

Yes, yes, I'm incredibly rich.

And I'm a very wealthy, erm...

Modest person, who wishes to remain nameless.

Well, you'd better be rich. Get your money together,

get better and get out of my bed! Is that clear?

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, yes, very fetching.

(SCREAMS)

And hello to you.

(WHIMPERING)

(IN HIGH PITCHED VOICE) Hello. Hello. Oh, goodness me.

I hadn't expected to see you like this.

Sitting down, you mean?

(STAMMERS) Yes, that's right. Sitting down.

Goodness, look...

- Look, you're sitting down. - Yes.

(STAMMERS) Good Lord, I haven't seen you sitting down since, er...

Yesterday?

Was it only yesterday? Good Lord.

Erm... Er... Well...

How was your battle?

Fine. Somebody cut my head off at one point,

but otherwise, everything went swimmingly.

How are you, Edna?

- Edmund. - Oh, your father told me "Edna."

(CHUCKLES) No...

So, Edna, you loathsome little fairy maggot,

how are you?

Uh... Oh, how very, very kind of you to ask, um, Your Majesty.

I'm very well.

And, uh... And it's very good to see you because, frankly...

- Yes? - (STAMMERS) Well, frankly, er...

- Gosh, you look well. - Frankly what?

Spit it out you horrid, little, scabby reptile.

Um... Well, frankly,

everyone thought you were dead. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Well, frankly, I am.

- Oh! (SHUDDERS) - (KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Do come in.

- No, don't come in! - QUEEN: Why not?

Have you got someone in there with you?

Um... Not as such.

- Is it a woman? - No.

- Is it a man? - Erm...

Erm... Yes. Yes, it is.

You hesitated, Edmund.

It's not a sheep, is it?

No, it certainly isn't a sheep.

Well then, let me in.

So farewell, Edna. You'll be seeing me later.

Erm... Have, er...

Have you got transport?

Erm, perhaps you'd like to borrow my horse again.

Or at all. I mean... Not that you've borrowed it before.

Coming.

Are you all right, Edmund?

Oh, you look as if you've just seen a ghost.

- Yes. - QUEEN: Hurry up, anyway.

You're expected at the banquet.

Erm, look, um... Mother, er...

You won't tell anyone about my oversleeping this morning

and what have you?

- Now, will you? - No, would I, Edmund?

Do I tell people that your brother Harry is scared of spoons?

Or that your father has very small private parts?

Oh! Mother!

(MIMICS SHEEP BLEATING)

Oh, Edmund.

(SIGHS) It's the lying I find so hurtful.

(CONTINUES MIMICKING)

(ALL CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

Slit him right up here. Tore his head off.

So sorry I'm late.

Hold!

You dare sit there, boy?

That was King Richard's seat. Would you insult his ghost?

(WHIMPERS) Erm... No.

No, sorry.

Yes, find your own chair, you smelly little dog's pizzle.

(GASPS)

How many prisoners have you got, Harry?

- I've still got close to a gross... - I'm not Harry, I'm Richard.

- ...in the dungeons. - Send a brace to my room, will you?

Very well. Do you want them hung?

- Hello? Hello? - No, fresh ones.

I want to practise my backhand!

I don't think you need to, the way you slaughtered Lord Stanley!

- Hello! - (BOTH LAUGH)

Oh, I wish Uncle Dickie was here.

- Ah. - Don't Dickie me, duckie.

Tonight, honoured friends,

we are gathered to celebrate a great victory

and to mourn a great loss.

A toast to our triumph!

ALL: Our triumph!

And I raise a royal curse

upon the man who slew Richard, our noble king!

It was him!

Oh, my God!

Quiet at the end there!

- Whoever it was... - It was him, Edna!

- ...wherever he be... - He's down there at the end!

...he shall be struck down!

Well, then, get on with it. You stupid oaf, he's there!

- It wasn't me! - Who said that?

The idiot who killed me this afternoon.

- I didn't. - Well then, who did?

It was actually Edmund who interrupted, sire.

Hang the little slug.

(SCREAMS)

I will have silence!

Another toast.

To dead King Richard.

Oh, my God.

Gentlemen.

ALL: King Richard!

Thank you. Thank you very much for nothing.

Thank you so much.

That's the last you'll be seeing of me.

Not that you've seen much of me anyway.

Now that we have silence,

we shall continue with the ceremony of desecration.

Produce the portrait of the pretender, Henry Tudor.

(ALL BOOING)

(ALL HISSING)

Oh, my God!

- Good evening. - Oh... Where's Henry Tudor?

(MIMICS SHEEP BLEATING)

Oh, no!

Where is he? Where is he?

Whoo...

Thank you so much.

(ALL WAIL)

- (COUGHS) - (ALL GASP)

- Hail! - Hail!

Hail!

- Ruler of men. - Ravisher of women.

Slayer of kings!

Be gone, hideous crones.

Be not amazed.

Be not overcome with fear.

Be not paralysed with terror.

(SIGHS)

Why have you lured me here, you loathsome drabs?

We bear good news.

What news could such repulsive harbingers convey?

Today has brought misfortune.

- But one day... - ALL: Oh, glorious day!

- One day... - ALL: Oh, happy day!

Yes?

ALL: You shall be king!

Really?

ALL: Yes.

Your Majesty.

Well, that is good news, isn't it?

God be with you, you snaggle-toothed vultures.

History... Here I come!

MAN: # The sound of hoofbeats across the glade

# Good folk lock up your son and daughter

# Beware the deadly flashing blade

# Unless you want to end up shorter

# Black Adder

# Black Adder

# He rides a pitch-black steed

# Black Adder

# Black Adder

# He's very bad indeed

# Black, his gloves of finest mole

# Black, his codpiece made of metal

# His horse is blacker than a hole

# His pot is blacker than his kettle

# Black Adder

# Black Adder

# With many a cunning plan

# Black Adder

# Black Adder

# You horrid little man! #

He wasn't as I expected him.

I thought he was very rude.

I thought Henry Tudor would be better looking.

Yes, not so Jewish.

More like that man who rode by just before.

- (ALL WHIMPERING) - No!

ALL: We've done it again! You silly witches!

Oh.