Original subtitles

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck.

Fuck.

Erika.

I'm a slave to this vagina.

Join the fucking club.

I think all this gum chewing is giving me TMJ.

Oh, please.

My jaw's still sore from all the dick I sucked

in Laguna last weekend.

You know, I kind of thought this job was gonna be

a little bit more intellectually stimulating.

Oh, you're serious?

But I, like, seriously need the money,

so I guess beggars can't be choosers.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

You don't have a trust fund?

- Huh? - What are you, an orphan?

Oh, shit. Vikktor. Twelve o'clock.

Elliot!

Erika would like to see you in her office.

Me?

Well, you know I hate criticism,

especially when it's accurate.

Art these days is all about more noise, more commotion.

Otherwise, you might as well be zombie-scrolling TikTok.

It's so "my cock's bigger than yours,"

and it's so fucking boring, and I'm bored. I'm bored. Bye.

- Sorry about that. - Oh, no problem.

Elliot.

Yes?

How long have you been working for me now?

- A little over a week, I think. - Wow.

That long already?

And how are you liking it here?

- I love it. - Oh.

- I see you've signed your NDA. - Hmm?

In your application packet.

Yep.

Yes. Uh-huh.

Well, we all think you're doing an excellent job here.

- Oh, great. - But...

There is...

There is something I need to speak with you about.

I wouldn't want you to take this the wrong way,

but the way you've been looking at me

has been making me feel uncomfortable.

What?

Don't pretend you haven't been flirting with me, Elliot,

and it is entirely inappropriate in the workplace.

Oh, my God. I am so sorry. I, um...

I don't even know what I've been doing exactly,

but I promise, whatever it is,

I will... I will stop immediately.

As long as we're really on the same page about that.

I would love to be on the same page, yes.

Okay. Oh, gosh.

Life...

is so fucking short, don't you think?

Do you have a girlfriend?

What? Oh, sorry. I...

Um, aren't you not supposed to ask questions like that?

I'm not.

Have I offended you?

No. No.

I just...

do...

have a girlfriend.

Good. That helps. You wouldn't get weird then.

- Weird? - If we fucked.

So your relationship with your former employer

was initiated by her,

and you say it was primarily sexual in nature?

- Uh-huh. - What's that?

Yes.

- Am I a suspect here? - Depends.

Elliot, look, I realize it's been a long night,

but we really need you to tell us the whole story.

Okay, yeah, I know, I know. Um...

It started a couple months ago when I was fresh out of school.

I was broke and in desperate need of a job.

Sex and sexuality are central to my work

because as an artist, I'm... I'm seeking pure truth.

You know, what lurks beneath the facades people hide behind.

What are you watching?

It's for my interview this afternoon.

What interview?

With her. Erika Tracy.

I'm interviewing to be her assistant

at her studio.

You think her boobs are real?

When you fuck someone, even a one-night stand,

you're physically and emotionally naked.

There's no bullshit, no presentation.

That person knows you better than your mother

or your best friend ever will.

She's so good with words, right?

- She looks kind of evil. - I know.

Apparently, the rumor is that she, like,

fucked Vincent Gallo at The Brown Bunny premiere

in New York when she was 18.

Is it embarrassing that I think that's cool?

Only if you care that that's embarrassing

Everyone has a persona they put on in public,

but during sex, your most intimate,

primal self is revealed.

That's what turns me on creatively.

Okay, remind me what the difference is

between this and porn.

You know, lighting, context.

Right.

So does this mean that you're gonna

pay your share of the rent for a change?

Uh, I mean, I have to get the job first,

but I hope so.

Yeah, me too.

I'm tired of supporting your lazy ass.

Did you eat my fucking yogurt again?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'll get you more, I promise.

Activia.

- The green kind. - The green kind. I know.

You got this, man.

Hi, I'm here for my 3:30 interview.

Elliot?

Should I give this to you or sh...

Sh... should I...

Unless you'd rather stand for the entire interview.

No. No. Oh, sorry.

Here you go.

So...

tell me a little bit about yourself.

Well, I'm... My name's Elliot. Um...

I graduated from UCLA with a BFA in new media.

That is all stuff in that résumé, though.

Why do you want to work here?

Oh, well, I love your work.

My early stuff or my recent work?

Uh...

Honestly, both.

Contemporary art is a scam. You know that, right?

Uh, uh-huh.

The real art is convincing people

you're making something meaningful and complex

when it's really just arbitrary masturbation.

I'm currently working on a photographic series

of nude men putting on makeup. You should...

You should pose for me.

Oh.

That's so flattering. No, no, no, no. I couldn't...

- No, it's not really my thing. - Are you ashamed of your body?

Oh, no, I wouldn't say that. I just...

You look bad without clothes on.

No, I look fine without clothes on.

- I don't know about that either. - Oh.

- Is your dick a little.. - No, it's just not my thing.

- I'm fine. - It's okay.

No, I don't know why...

- It's fine if it is. - No, my... It's not my...

No, my dick. Oh, sorry. Sorry, I don't mean to say dick.

- Oh, my God. That's a rude thing to say in an interview.

Calm down. I am fucking with you.

Wow. I would never say anything that inappropriate.

You... Okay, okay.

The, uh, door has been open the entire time,

if you haven't noticed, as per the woke police,

so feel free to run away anytime.

Um...

No. I'm good.

Yeah. Can never be too careful.

It's a good thing you have a sense of humor though,

'cause otherwise this is definitely not

the place for you.

Yeah, so, um, I'm... I'm getting that, yeah.

Okay, you're hired.

- Really? - Yeah.

Holy sh... Wow.

Yeah, this was just a formality.

Oh, my God.

But you just... you need to just loosen up.

You're very tightly wound and a little bit loud.

Uh, yeah, no problem.

- I can 100% do that. - All right.

- Bye-bye. - Is it... Okay.

Um...

Thanks. Thank you. Honestly.

So Erika began grooming you the day that you met her?

Grooming's kind of a loaded word.

I mean, our relationship was 100% consensual,

and, I mean, the attraction was definitely mutual.

Plus, she was only 14 and a half years older

than I was.

Erika was your employer, though.

Yes, yeah, but in a weird way, that dynamic is kind of what...

what made it so hot.

I mean, it was, you know, it was forbidden.

It was against society's rules.

So are you saying you didn't find it suspicious

that out of all the qualified applicants,

Erika hired you for the position right on the spot?

How awesome is that? My first post-college job.

Awesome.

You're a pretentious artist's peon.

Well, Erika's actually not pretentious at all.

She's really cool and...

What are you studying?

My neuropharmacology exam is this Friday.

What?

I thought maybe we could have some celebration sex.

We just had sex 11 days ago.

Unlike some people, I've got actual work to do

and I can't accomplish anything

with you constantly draining my chi energy.

Come on, doctor, please.

- You're a sex addict. - Sex addiction's a myth.

Uh, I read it on the internet.

Oh, Elliot, I want you so bad.

Please fuck my brains out

with your legendary, rock-hard...

You know, because of you,

I've been masturbating a lot more than usual,

and, um, I think I'm getting claw hand.

- Is that the medical term? - Uh, yep.

I Googled it.

Well, luckily, that's why God invented porn,

so women like me can make the world go round

while you men jerk off.

You precocious geniuses all know how to chew gum, yes?

Fantastic.

You're going to chew each piece until it is soft and juicy,

and you are going to stick it on this canvas

in the clearly demarcated areas.

No matter what, do not go outside of the lines.

Got it?

What are you waiting for? Start chewing.

- What an insufferable cunt. - Sorry.

Welcome to the hipster sweatshop.

I'm Zap.

- Zach? - Zap.

Like a ray gun.

Oh. Cool, yeah. Uh, Elliot. Sorry.

It's just my first day. I'm a little nervous.

What for?

We were just mindless cows chewing cud in a pasture.

So, uh, you're an artist too?

I do a pornographic blog

about a semi-fictional G-chat conversation I'm having

with a priest that I have never met

that lives in Mexico City.

- You? - Uh...

I'm contemplating starting a podcast.

- Ah. - Yeah.

I have a very, like, active imagination.

You know?

- You think Erika's hot? - Oh, I guess.

Do you?

- She's a fucking goddess. - Oh.

But she has a real vag,

which is, in fact, where I draw the line.

But I do know someone who has had sex

with someone who was in an orgy with her once.

- Really? An orgy? - Uh-huh.

Whoa.

You've never been in one, huh?

- No, I haven't. Have you? - This morning.

Wow. So you're, uh...

pan, then? Or I guess...

No, Elliot, I am fucking gay.

None of this no-label amorphous bullshit for me.

You?

Well, I have a girlfriend, but I definitely,

you know, feel identified with the... the queer community.

You ever suck a dick?

No, I haven't sucked a dick.

Well, look at that. You're straight.

- Oh, is that what it is? - Elliot.

Oh, my God.

Sorry. Just the gum hit the back of my...

Are you okay?

Great. Do you have a car?

- Yep. - I need you to follow me home

'cause there's something I need you to move for me.

Put your number in here,

- and I'll text you the address. - Okay.

Are you coming, or...?

- Hello, Elliot. - Sorry.

Yes, no, I can... Yeah.

Tip it. Lift it up.

Good. Now just be careful.

I paid a small fortune for that thing. Just... careful.

All right, uh... Just on the ground over there.

- Sorry? Oh. - Yeah, that side.

I could have done it myself,

but I don't do manual labor, so...

Yeah.

Hmm.

- What do you think? - Of?

- The... - Oh, I, uh, like it.

- Why? - It's very...

- succinct. - Succinct?

I paid 20,000 dollars for that,

and that's the best thing you can come up with?

- Well... - Succinct?

Well, why'd you buy it anyway?

Yesterday you said contemporary art's,

- what, a scam? - All right,

I just say bullshit sometimes to see if anyone's listening.

I'm gonna have a Spindrift. Do you want one?

Uh, yeah, a Spindrift sounds great. Thanks.

My issue with art today

is that people care more about the celebrity status

of the artist than the work itself.

So then the actual art becomes just a trace element

of the trajectory of fame.

Why'd you become an artist anyway?

How much time do you have?

Uh... Well, you're the one paying me.

Not much though, right?

- No. - Okay, good. Sit.

Here.

- Oh, no thanks. - Oh, just have one.

Boys your age looks so hot with a cigarette.

You should have one, trust me.

Have you read Harold Robbins?

- Sorry, who? - Harold Rob... Oh, God.

He's as much a part of the sexual revolution

as the pill or Playboy.

I found that stashed

in my mother's nightstand when I was a kid,

and it literally changed my life.

- Really? - Mm.

It introduced me to unbridled, Helmut Newton-style hedonism.

Inspired me to become a good, sexually liberated citizen.

Unlike your uptight generation, by the way.

What do you mean?

I read an article the other day

that said 30% of guys your age

haven't had intercourse in a year.

They'd rather watch porn or play fucking video games.

- It's complicated. - Complicated?

Gen Z is all about FOMO

and yet you're willing to miss out

on the sexual prime of your life?

I think, uh, my peers have not been well-served growing up

in a time where nothing feels safe or okay.

And since our formative years were spent lacking

in-person socialization,

it's challenging for some to make eye contact,

let alone have sex.

But what is with this bummer veil

cast over everything fun or exciting?

Not to mention the dickbags on TikTok who are like,

"Don't hold hands in front of me."

- "I didn't consent to that." - Well, I, uh...

A lot of zillennials had parents and teachers

who would completely remove them

from anything that made them feel uncomfortable, so...

But...

Being outside your comfort zone is the whole fucking point.

- Yeah. Yeah. - That's... How else do you learn from your mistakes

and grow?

Sure, people should make informed decisions

and not get AIDS or pregnant or whatever,

but sex is everything. It forges us as human beings.

I would not be the person I am today

without my carnal experiences.

Good, bad, men, women, other.

Your time is now, kids, you know. Get it while you can.

Mm-hmm.

- Sorry, I'm rambling. - Nope.

- It's just this retro sex negativity...

...gets me so fucking worked up.

No, I, uh...

I totally get it.

Oh, fuck. I have a Zoom thing in five minutes.

Oh, uh...

You can find your way back to the studio, right?

Oh, yeah, of course. Thank you.

Oh, borrow it.

- Really? - Yeah, take it.

Okay, cool.

Your entire generation is a bunch of whiny,

repressed weaklings.

You're all dying to fuck,

but you're too chicken shit to admit it.

- Aren't you? - Uh-huh.

- Aren't you? - Yeah. Yeah.

- Aren't you? - Uh-huh.

- Aren't you? - Yeah.

- Aren't you? Aren't you? - Yes. Yes.

Aren't you? Aren't you? Aren't you?

Aren't you? Aren't you?

Aren't you? I said, "Aren't you?"

After Erika loaned you the book, then what happened?

Well, she kind of just...

left me hanging.

How so?

She was giving me the silent treatment all week.

I mean, so much so that I thought

any spark we had was just my imagination.

- What a colossal cocktease. - I know, right?

I mean, it is probably for the best.

I do have a girlfriend, but...

Oh!

- Oh, that's right. I forgot. - Yeah.

Look.

Does she even like you?

Well, I mean, I don't know. She kind of...

She treats me likes shit most of the time, but...

I don't know. You know, Minerva and I on paper,

it doesn't really make sense. She's in medical school.

She's super ambitious. She's focused.

- And now I'm just... - Utterly lost and adrift?

I was gonna say figuring my shit out, but...

- Potato, po-tah-to. - Yeah.

Also, she doesn't really like sex.

Yeah. Can I ask you a question?

No, I won't fuck you to see if you like it.

No, I just... In a relationship, you know,

do you think about other people sexually?

I am gay. We basically invented non-monogamy.

And anal.

I am a slave to this vagina.

If we fucked.

If you're not interested, that's... that's actually... that's fine.

I don't really care.

It's probably a bad idea anyway.

I'm not sure I heard you right.

So you are interested then?

Yeah.

You wouldn't freak out

and make working together impossible?

No, I wouldn't freak out.

- Would you freak out? - No.

- Not at all. - Okay.

Why don't you close that door for me?

That's better.

Come over here so I can take a better look at you.

Oh, don't walk.

I'd really prefer if you crawled.

Crawl...

- No! No! - Yes, dude!

Why does all the cool sex deviant stuff

- always happen to you? - What are you talking about?

I don't know. Doesn't Minerva get, like,

super kinky sometimes?

That would be never.

She should probably just kill herself.

I've always said that about her.

I mean, like, listen, like, me and Minerva have our differences, yes,

but she's a good presence in my life.

I don't know. She grounds me.

Plus, she's fucking hot, dude.

She's, like, what AI would generate

if you told it "total bitch."

Right. Just my type.

I don't even know what my type is anymore.

It's like, lately, I'm just, like,

weirded out by the whole penis thing,

you know?

Like, is it just me, or does having sex,

fucking somebody,

it kind of just feels like you're inserting a tampon,

like, over and over and over again.

I... I wouldn't know.

But I would... I would venture to say it's probably just you.

If only, like, there was a way to have sex...

Uh-huh.

...without the whole penis thing involved, you know?

Anyway, why are you hooking up with Erika again?

I don't know, dude.

Like, do I really want to be Monica Lewinskying my boss?

E, she's famous.

You could be famous by association,

like Travis Kelsey.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

God, stop pretending like you have a conscience.

Yes.

- Louder! - I'm a whore.

- I can't hear you. - I'm a whore!

I'm a whore!

I'm a whore! I'm a whore! I'm a whore!

- Louder! - I'm a whore!

Holy fuck.

Oh, my God.

- Whoo! - Ow!

Please, please, please.

Oh.

I'm not really into that.

It's okay. It doesn't mean you're gay.

- Have you ever tried it? - Okay.

- Uh... - I'm using a ton of lube.

And you can use your safe word if you get into trouble.

Uh, we don't have a safe word.

Whatever. You're gonna love it. It's gonna change your life.

Don't you trust me?

- Yeah? - Okay. Ready? Just breathe.

Relax. We're gonna go really, really slow.

That's good.

Just breathe. Breathe. Dude, just relax.

Good.

I was in way over my head,

and it was like the more I would hang out with Erika,

the more under her control I became.

And how did that make you feel?

- Thankful. - Thankful?

You said that your relationship had a violent undercurrent,

that Erika physically abused and humiliated you.

I... Listen, I understand as an outsider,

it might seem like our relationship was a bit,

I don't know, kinky or strange, but,

I mean, these were my wildest fantasies

coming to life.

Hey!

Oh, God. Is that how you always greet people?

What?

Smiling all huge and artificial

like some sort of cyborg cheerleader.

- Want one of these? - What is it?

It's fucking dried fruit. I don't know.

Not papaya, one of the other gay ones.

I'm okay, thank you.

Mm. What are you doing?

Um, well, I'm... I'm just drafting your press release

for the show next week.

Erika?

I left that cost report on your desk.

Okay.

We have the meeting with the accountant at 2:30.

Great.

Go on.

Right. Um... uh,

"Tracy's work is uncommonly visceral,

riffing on themes of bodily and sex... sexual excess."

"Her singular ability to blend the profane

with the deeply poetic has made her

one of the most essential neo-pop artists

of her generation."

You make me sound like I know what I'm doing.

What are you talking about?

You're brilliant.

Cancel my phoner with that d-bag from Art Forum

and, uh, meet me in my office, okay?

Okay.

Oh, hey, Vikktor.

Don't think you're the only one.

- What? - You're not the first.

You won't be the last.

Hey.

Hi. Um... What is that?

Come. Come here.

Yeah.

- Is this, uh-- - I was masturbating

before work and got so inspired,

so, I recorded it to play on a loop

as a soundtrack for a video installation.

Oh. Okay. C... cool.

It's abstract, babes.

God, sometimes you're such a philistine.

Oh...

What's wrong?

- Come. - I ca... Come on.

Just sit down.

- It's nothing. - Oh. Are you sure?

Can I tell you something embarrassing?

Mm-hmm. Of course.

I think about you all the time.

You know, like, from the moment I wake up

to when I go to sleep, it's like I can't change the channel.

Well, you're my sub, so that's perfectly normal.

Aw, you look so adorable when you're nervous.

Really?

You know, earlier,

when you were reading me that thing you wrote about me?

Mm-hmm.

I felt like maybe I was falling in love with you.

Are you serious?

No, I just said that to fuck with you.

Do you ever think about me?

I think we have incredible chemistry.

Mm, no. I... I mean, do you think about our relationship?

Like, am I more than just a piece of ass to you?

Well, I did tell you that I don't want a relationship.

Plus, you have... you have a girlfriend.

I know. I'm thinking about breaking up with her.

What? No. Why?

Because I really just want to be with you.

Listen...

Can I let you in on a secret?

People are assholes.

Okay?

They're out there pretending to give a shit.

Nobody gives a shit.

People only care about themselves.

So, if you find someone that you care about

who cares about you back, that's... that's special.

That's something you should think twice about

before you throw it away.

I know, but if what me and Minerva have is so special,

then why am I cheating on her?

Oh, because you're like me. You're a...

a sexual astronaut just exploring the outer limits

of experience.

And fucking people gives you a sense

of identity and control.

How do you know all of this?

Because I've been in therapy since I was six.

- You almost done? - Getting there.

You're supposed to say thank you when I hit you.

- Thank you. - Uh, you're welcome?

- Thank you. - Uh-huh.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

- Are you getting close? - You just come.

I don't think I'm going to be able to right now.

Thank you. Oh, thank you. Thank you.

You know, uh, just try it.

I want... I want us to come together.

Thank you. Thank you.

Mm. Ah.

Thank you? Thank you. Thank you.

- Ah. - Oh, my God.

Are you getting there?

- Uh, yeah. Mm-hmm. Ah. - Yeah. Okay.

You're so hot, you make me want to do crazy things.

Oh, God.

This is good, right? Oh, my God.

- So good. Mm. - Yes.

I made you breakfast in bed, baby.

I want to make you breakfast every day...

- Okay. - ...for the rest of my life.

Uh-huh. Yeah.

Have you ever thought about having kids?

Oh, my God.

That was insane.

Yeah.

- Hello? Why aren't you answering?

I've called you three times.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't hear you. I'm running.

From who?

Listen, I have an old friend from Paris in town,

and I'm busy working.

Okay.

I forgot her birthday last week,

so I need you to go over there and fuck her

as a belated present.

What? Are you serious?

As Wolf Blitzer.

She's at the London, expecting you at 9:00.

Tonight?

I'm not home, Erika, and also I'm really sweaty.

- I just... - Don't be late.

And screw her real good, but don't let her penetrate you.

She's not that close a friend.

Oh, her name's Yvette. All right.

Erika. Erika.

Is this trying too hard?

You look like an assassin in a Netflix yakuza movie.

Is that good or bad?

What if I just wear a T-shirt?

I'm basically just saying, like, "Hey,

I'm casually wearing a T-shirt."

You know, you should really stop running.

Haven't you ever heard of jogger face?

No, what's that?

It's like when you run and you're, like,

constantly bouncing up and down and up and down,

and it pulls all the skin on your face,

like, away from your muscles,

so you end up just having, like, disgusting,

like, saggy flesh hanging off your skull, and it's like...

Jogger-face!

So, you should stop running.

Or wear a jockstrap on your face.

God, why is it that no random European stranger

ever flies into town to fuck me?

My life is so beige.

Hi, I'm...

Elliot?

Yeah. That's right. Elliot. Yes.

Yvette.

I'm so glad you could make it.

Come in.

Would you like some wine?

Uh, yeah. Sure, wine would be great.

It's a white burgundy. 2016 Château de Beauregard.

- Oh. - This is okay for you?

Uh, yeah, I'm used to drinking Two-Buck Chuck from TJ, so yes.

- Sorry, my English. - This is great.

Well, this is a bit awkward.

Yeah.

I kind of feel like we're in a porno or something.

What?

Uh, you know, you're, the,

uh, sexy executive here on a business trip,

and I'm just the naive bellhop.

I don't know.

Anyway, Erika thought we should meet.

She's always surrounded herself with such interesting people.

A creator of personalities, I like to say.

And what do you do for her, Elliot?

Um, well, I think...

tonight, uh, the question really is...

what can I do for you?

What are you doing?

Whatever you want.

I'm your boy whore for the evening.

- Oh, really? - Uh-huh.

Do you want to slap me? You can slap me if you want.

Do you know what "eroticism" is?

It's, uh, being turned on?

No.

Really?

Americans treat sex like it's an animal act...

stripped of sensuality, of mystery.

Crawling on your hands and knees,

reciting this cheap, pornographic script?

This is not erotic. This is performance.

- Get up off the floor. - Okay.

Sex is not something you do.

It's not?

No, it's a language. It's a dance.

Do... Do you mind?

Very good wine.

Okay.

You need to slow down.

Mm-hmm.

Be in your body.

Be in my body.

Maybe you should just go.

- What? - I'm not going to fuck you.

You're not?

Never in a million years.

Did she really say, "Sex is a dance?"

This is why I fucking hate Europe.

- I'm sorry. Did I fuck it up? - No, babe, no.

- Okay. - It is not your fault

that she's such a fucking prude.

If she contacts you again, no more.

She's lost her privileges.

I really don't think we'll have to worry about that, but okay.

Um...

But do you mind if we do this with, like, another one of your friends?

I don't know. I kind of like being your toy

that you pass around and share, I guess.

Yeah, we'll see. Not for a while, though.

- Why not? - Mm.

Because I said so.

All right, I gotta get back to work.

Um...

Do you want to have dinner tonight?

Dinner? Like what... like a real date?

Yeah, baby, like a real date.

Ye... yeah, yeah.

- Okay. - Yeah. That'd be nice.

- How's your girlfriend, Minnie? - Oh, Minerva?

- That's right. - She's all right, I guess.

Yes, it's... it's just, uh,

she's been super busy and stressed recently.

Also, we just go through life, you know, differently.

She's way more wrapped up in science

and I think just thinks art's superficial.

- Wow. - Yeah.

- A dullard. - Yeah, yeah.

Maybe.

You should remind her that art cuts through the bullshit

of every single day.

It connects us to the core emotions

that actually make us human.

Ecstasy, fear, desire.

Artists see things other people don't.

Have you always been this way, or...?

- A pretentious whore from hell? - Ah.

- Mm-hmm. - Yeah, pretty much.

You sub for your girlfriend too?

Mentally and emotionally, yes.

But I... No, not... not in the bedroom.

I... Yeah, sex is kind of a minefield for me.

- In what way? - Well...

Right after I was born, my dad left,

and so I was pretty much just raised by my mom.

By the way, I'm so sorry. Let me know if I'm boring you.

- No, not at all. - Okay. Um...

All my life, I've kind of been this curious kid,

like living in my own world,

but also plagued by fear and the desire for normalcy.

But with you, you know,

I actually don't have to make any decisions.

I've found this amazing freedom...

...in just letting go of control.

I know.

You're welcome.

Where's your ticket?

- Oh, I didn't valet. - I just parked in the street.

What?

Dude, even when I was poor,

I valeted everywhere, all the time.

- Okay. - You have to fake it till you make it.

Okay, okay. Point taken.

Can you hold this for a second?

I have to go back to the salt mines.

Oh, you don't want me to come over?

The opening's next week, so...

As much as I would love to come for the next three hours,

she gets what I mean,

I can't. I gotta work.

You don't really give a shit what people think

about you, do you?

Why would I? Most people are idiots and cowards, so...

Yeah, you know, I just wish that I could stop

caring so much about other people's opinions.

But that's your thing.

You're the guy who loves that spiked heel

just grinding into his back.

- That's my thing? - Yeah.

It's the most romantic thing anyone's ever said to me, so...

Aw. Well, you know that's what I'm here for.

Good night, baby.

Night.

Erika played me like a violin.

She knew just how far she could push me

and have me doing things I never even dreamed of.

I mean, we were outlaws.

Just the two of us against the oppressive,

puritanical world.

Sounds like you were obsessed with her.

Yeah, I... I was.

Sorry about canceling tonight.

Just, we're kind of, uh, slammed

getting ready for the show next week.

Oh, were we supposed to do something?

I was studying.

For a... For a change, right?

Um, is it okay if I stop by?

I'm kind of in your neighborhood.

I told you, I'm studying.

Yeah, I just sort of wanted to talk to you about something.

Can't you do it over the phone?

Yeah, I just thought, um...

All right, um...

I was wondering, have you ever...

Have I ever what?

Are you drunk or something?

I had a little bit of wine earlier, but I'm not drunk.

Uh, no. I just...

Have you ever thought about us...

taking a break?

Yeah, all the time.

Really?

I mean, if that's what you want,

it makes sense with me being so busy and all.

So, uh, last night,

I talked to Minerva about us taking a break.

You know, she seemed pretty okay with it.

- So she dumped you, you mean? - No, that's not...

- Did you just hear what I said, or...?

What do you think's going on?

I heard Viktor is freaking out about the show

because the studio is on life support

and Erika has been slacking off.

- Okay. - Rumor has it

that she's been too busy banging one of the assistants.

So, what do we want to do for lunch?

- Uh... - Anywhere is fine,

except I am not doing meat, soy, dairy, gluten,

or sugar this week.

Or corn.

You're a blast at lunch.

Elliot, Erika would like to see you in her office.

Now.

- Hi. - Hey, uh, come on in.

Is everything all right?

Yeah, Vikktor's just on the fucking rag again.

Um, listen, he and I were chatting,

and we are in agreement

that you and I should probably cool it for a while.

What? Why?

The show's right around the corner.

I... I need to focus. I just need to eliminate

any and all unnecessary distractions.

Okay. Um...

For how long?

At least until the show is over.

Um... Uh...

Really? I just... I just...

I understand you have to concentrate on your work.

I realize that this is the priority, but,

what we have, us, right? It's special. Right?

Sure, but it's strictly a sex thing.

You understand that, right?

You say sex is everything, so...

Yeah, well, sex is everything. It's also nothing, Elliot.

I actually...

I don't have time to discuss it right now.

So...

Thank you.

Okay.

I'm really gonna miss you.

I know.

Hello, everybody. Uh, I'm Elliot.

I'm 23.

And, like a lot of people my age, I've had...

conflicted and confusing feelings about sex.

Anyway, I met a girl recently who...

kind of rocked my world.

Sexually, you know, speaking.

And she's changed me

in ways that I probably can't even comprehend yet.

But sex is a drug, man.

I mean, the highs are so intense.

They bring you to such a euphoric,

out-of-body place.

It's like you leave reality and all your troubles behind.

Which makes the lows feel fucking bottomless.

Such black, hopeless despair

that will make you do anything for another fix.

Nothing else matters.

It's like any other addiction, I guess.

You know, you have to learn how to control it,

otherwise it just ends up controlling you.

Hello?

Okay, I'll fuck you tonight, but you have to bring someone

to hold your ass open for me.

What?

I said I want to have a threesome,

but it has to happen quick.

Are you in or are you out?

No, I... uh... uh... I'm in.

Okay, meet me at my place at nine.

With a friend, who is hot.

What?

How long have we been best friends?

You're not paying rent again?

What if Erika's not into me?

Oh no, dude, I already sent her a pic. Don't worry.

- What, which one? - This one.

No, I look like a garden gnome in this picture.

No, you look so cute.

- Oh, my God. - What'd she say?

Uh, she...

Like, "She'll do."

I need to be way more drunk...

I know. Me too, me too, me too.

Do you ever fake orgasms?

Well, I'm a dude.

So?

My hair looks like a giant tarantula

is crawling out of my skull.

Wait, um, does this mean that, like...

we're... you're gonna...

No! No, no, no, no, no, no.

Maybe.

I've never had a threesome before. Have you?

Uh, in freshman year,

I messed around with that lesbian couple,

Mutt and Jeff, does that count?

- Ew, really? - No, well, I bowed out

because they were both on their periods.

- Why are you telling me this? - I know.

It's disgusting.

Okay, so just a full disclosure, okay?

I haven't... I haven't had, like, sex in a while.

What's a while?

I don't know, like, since Felix, so, like, probably...

- a year or something. - A year!

Apple...

- What? - I'm so sorry.

No, why are you reacting

like I just told you I had a brain tumor?

Stop.

- Hey. - Hey.

Hi, guys, come in.

Okay.

Can I get you anything?

Uh, no. I think we're okay. Thanks.

You can have a seat if you'd like.

- Oh. - Oh, yeah. Mm.

I like your friend.

- You're very hot. - Oh, thank you. Thanks.

- She's got nice tits, too. - Elliot, Elli...

Come on. It's okay. It's okay.

May I?

Okay, hmm.

Hmm.

Beautiful.

- Thank you. - Mm.

So you're gay.

What? No. No.

Oh. I got a clue.

Well, you're a very good kisser. Gentle.

Not like Elliot.

Elliot kisses with his mouth wide open

like he's just trying to suck the whole world in.

- No, I don't. - Yeah, no, I'm not saying it's a bad thing.

It's just how you kiss.

Why don't you just show Apple? Why don't you demonstrate?

- What? - Yeah.

- No. - Um...

Okay, um, yeah.

I'm sorry.

Hey.

Should we follow her?

Uh, who?

- Erika. - Oh, yeah.

- Right, right? - Yeah. Have you... You mean, me too?

Yeah, of course.

Oh. Did you... Okay. Um...

Wow. You guys really took your time.

Okay, here's what's gonna happen.

Elliot, take your clothes off. Apple, get on the bed.

Now!

- Hand. - What?

- Turn around. - Oh.

Ow, ow, ow, ow. The cuffs are hurting me.

Quit fucking whining.

Okay, you are going to sit here like a good little pervert

and watch while I fuck your friend.

This sucks. The cuffs are hurting my wrist.

I... I think Elliot wants to be untied.

No, he's fine.

- Okay. - I'm not fine. I'm so bored.

Oh, my God. Shut the fuck up. I told you to stop whining.

Well, wouldn't it be fun if you fucked me too?

- No. - Why?

Because you're a greedy little slut

and you can't always get what you want.

You, come here.

Blindfold him.

Really?

Ugh, yes.

Apple, this is all part of the game,

and Elliot loves this. He thinks it's wonderful.

No, I don't...

Ah...

Erika, stop. This isn't funny anymore.

Come on.

Fine. You want to get fucked...

...you can get fucked.

Put this on.

Uh, um...

Mm.

Okay, okay. Come on. Come on, come on.

Oh, fuck!

Did you bite my fucking lip?

This is... Apple, just stop. I'm so sorry.

This was such a fucking stupid, crazy fucking idea.

Why? Are you...

Are you grossed out by me or something?

What? No. What are you talking about?

You'll fuck anyone and everyone,

but I'm not good enough for you?

No, Apple, where is this coming from?

Who are you? I'm so...

I just... Please, just wait a second, okay?

- No. No, don't talk to me. Here, listen, I'm sorry.

I don't know why I even came here.

I can't believe I let you talk me into this.

Apple, I just... I didn't know it was going to be...

I'm so sorry. Don't go. Please, just wait...

So, what's happening right now is very special.

You both are entering into what's known as subspace.

You see, you, Apple, and I just...

We went through something very intense together,

and you're having just extreme emotional reactions.

See, this is what S&M is all about.

Are you fucking crazy? Why are you doing this?

Because you like it, baby.

I don't like it. I don't even know if I like you.

Okay, whatever.

I mean, Apple.

- Apple, just one second. - No! No!

Who do you think you are?

You can't just fucking toy with people's emotions

for your own sick game, you know?

Go ahead. Run away like a scared little boy.

You'll be back.

Uh, actually, uh, sir, can we, um...

can we make one more stop?

Did you ever love me?

Uh, what are you doing here?

I'm trying to talk to you.

But... ...we're not together anymore.

No, I know, but... but... but we need to talk.

It's late and you're obviously wasted.

Yeah.

Seriously, Elliot, let's not do this right now.

It's never a good time for you.

Why were you such a shitty fucking girlfriend?

Excuse me?

You never wanted to hang out or have sex with me,

which is basically the whole point

of being in a relationship.

You knew exactly what you signed up for.

I told you from the very beginning

that until I finish my postdoc, my work comes first.

Don't you think because, you know,

we're both so emotionally stunted

and suck at communicating

that actually we're, I don't know,

maybe perfect for each other?

What? Are you fucking kidding me right now?

- Can I come in? - No.

Please, please, just let me come in.

I'm not gonna try to have sex with you, right?

- Elliot, just... I'm not gonna try to fuck you.

- Elliot, go home! - Please.

Babe?

The fuck is going on?

I was totally circling the drain.

My two most important relationships,

my girlfriend and my best friend,

were trash beyond repair.

And I really just had no one to blame but myself.

You didn't blame Erika, considering how she treated you?

Seems like you would be angry or resentful.

Sure, Erika led me down the path to my destruction,

but at the end of the day,

everything I did was always my choice.

I mean, you want to know the sickest part?

It's the fact that even though all of this had happened,

I still wanted to be with her.

This is the kind of fucked up, intense state of mind I was in.

Hey, man, I really can't thank you enough.

I mean, I... I...

I swear to you, I'll be out of here as soon as I can.

I already asked my mom for a loan.

Oh, that's great,

because you're already kind of cramping my style.

You know, I have a hookup coming over in about half an hour.

- Okay. - So...

- Oh, okay. Um... - Mm-hmm.

Well, I can grab a cup of coffee or something.

Honestly, I don't really care what you do

as long as you're not here.

How long do you think?

Give or take, like, 90 minutes. It's gotta be a quickie,

because I have a real date later tonight.

- Okay. - Yeah.

Is it too much to ask to take a shower before?

- Yeah, just make it fast. - Okay.

Mm-hmm.

- You'll find it. - Sorry. Sorry.

Yeah. Also, can you use the guest towel?

It's the one that says guest on it.

Copy.

Things were looking very bleak.

It definitely seemed like I had hit rock bottom.

I just had no idea

how much worse my life was going to become.

Ugh, that woman over there looks like a foot.

I'm fucking starving.

- I'm sorry, do you mind? - Uh, don't.

Why?

Grabbing food off of a tray is disgusting...

Yeah, but Zap, I haven't eaten lunch.

I think you're gonna love it.

You were one of the first people I thought of.

Whoa! Oh, my God. You're Laquisha Fox.

I am such a huge fan. I work with Erika.

- My name's... - You don't have to. He's an assistant.

What you have to do is see Erika's newest work.

It's... It's everything. It's dangerous.

I don't know. I'm not sure I get it.

It's like Pornhub meets the bottom of our son's sneaker.

Hun, don't be a vulgarian.

Well, then, please, Erika, enlighten us.

What does it all mean?

Fuck if I know.

- It means money in my bank account, guys. - Oh!

That's all I care about.

Thank you.

Oh, oh, Elliot. Wait one second. Elliot. Elliot.

- Hi. - Hi. God, there you are.

I've been looking for you literally everywhere.

Guys, this is Elliot.

Elliot, meet my very good friends

from New York, the Bruces.

- Hi. - Hi. Hi.

Hello. Hi. Nice to meet you.

- Hello, Elliot. - Okay, guys, have fun.

Go roam. Drink for free. Buy everything. Thank you.

Thank fucking God.

I thought my face was gonna crack off from fake smiling.

Hi! Aw.

Okay. I'm sorry about...

the other night. I think I was...

I think I was more stressed about the show

than I thought, and, um, I'm sorry.

Okay.

But it's going really well, right?

I feel like it's going really well.

- Yep. - Yeah.

- Yeah, yeah. - Okay, this is what I want to do.

I want you to go to the ladies' room.

I want you to wait in the furthest stall

for three minutes,

and then I'm gonna come in and fuck you with this dildo.

No. Are you drunk? No.

Wha...

Don't be a buzzkill. It's gonna be fun.

And also, this is technically a work-related event,

so I am paying you.

- Mm-hmm. - So you have to do what I say.

I mean, that's gotta be sexual harassment or something.

Oh, aw.

Come on, baby.

Please?

Thing is that I'm just really, really wet,

just thinking about it, so...

Erika, Erika. I'd like to introduce you

to Margaret Epstein from MoMA.

Wow, yes, it is such a pleasure.

We've... we've... we've chatted on the phone,

but never in person.

Really, Erika, I am such a fan.

Oh, my God, thank you.

You are more than an artist.

You are a psychologist of the human condition.

You know what? I absolutely agree with you.

Right.

Right.

The new work, though.

- Yes. - I must say...

I'm not so sure it's up to par.

Well, I... I do always strive to break new ground creatively.

- Erika never plays it safe. - Yeah. Mm-hmm.

And she never repeats herself.

- That's what makes her iconic. - Mm-hmm. Hmm.

And I'm going to show you a piece

that illustrates that right over here.

Come this way. Come this way.

Even more than an artist, I sort of think of myself

as a psychologist of the human condition.

You know?

Elliot.

Erika?

I don't even wanna know what you're doing

in the women's bathroom, okay?

- You need to get your shit together... - Oh, my god, Yeah.

...and you gotta come with me right now.

Let's go. Come on.

Is that you?

Elliot, you gotta think about this.

Okay, just think it through. Think it through.

Oh, my God.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Uh, I'm sorry, sir. Can I help you?

What? Are you joking?

Erika, that video was just supposed to be for... ours.

That was supposed to be for us. I trusted you with that,

and then you go and put it in your show without my consent.

Sorry, sir, you seem to be quite drunk.

- I don't know if you need any assistance. What?

I get that you've done fucked up shit before, right?

But this is on a whole new level of fucked up-ness.

Hey, excuse me. What's, uh...

Something... Is something wrong?

I don't know. This man seems to be having some sort of psychotic episode.

No, Erika, you can't.

You cannot just act like some kind of god

up in the sky and none of your actions,

you know, have any ramifications.

- You can't just do that. Please, Erika, no. - Sir, sir.

- Vikktor, stop. Talk to me, Erika. - You're gonna have to leave.

- Sir. - He's on drugs.

You need to get him out of here...

- Go fuck yourself. - Hey, hey, hey.

- All right, hey! Sir! Sir! - Go fuck yourself. Fuck you, Erika.

- Go fuck yourself. - Sir, get the fuck outta here!

Well...

That...

That was entertaining.

Never a dull moment, right?

Okay.

What was I saying?

"Is Erika Tracey over?"

"As if the art on display last night was not proof enough

that this tired old whore is done-zo,

an enraged former boy toy,"

that's you, "exploded in her face at her own party."

"Say buh-bye, bee-atch."

That's not even the worst one. You should read

- what the fucking Times said... - Yeah, no, I get it, I get it.

I drank a little bit too much last night.

Didn't we all?

After you left, I gave a fat guy

half a handjob in the parking lot.

- Oh, fuck. - What?

- Vikktor fired me. - Mm.

Are you surprised?

I guess not.

Well, don't feel too special.

With Erika officially past her sell-by date,

I think it's safe to say

we are all on the chopping block.

Thank God. I don't really need to work anyway.

Oh, heads up.

I am having a Grindr party/orgy tonight,

so you might want to find somewhere else to sleep.

How long's the man jamboree gonna last this time?

All weekend.

Great.

I had nowhere left to go.

I had no job.

No prospects. I was at the end of my rope.

Okay, okay, I'm leaving.

Fuck.

Hello?

Finally. God, what took you so fucking long?

Come on, get in here.

Don't fucking stand there like a half-wit.

I hate drinking alone.

It's so traj.

So look, come here. Just get...

I want to propose a toast to the bitter end...

- of Erika Tracy. - What?

Oh, did you not hear?

The show was a fucking disaster.

I'm done. Finito. Terminated.

They fucking hate me. They hate me. They hate me.

So now, we have to toast. We have to celebrate.

Will you celebrate with me? Come on. Come on.

Mm.

Yeah.

Here, have more. This helps.

Come on. No, it's good.

It's good. It's good. It's good. It's good. It's good. It's good.

Okay. Mm-hmm, mmm.

You want some more?

- Mm-mm - You want some more? Just like a little bit more?

- Little bit? Bit, bit, bit! - No, Erika. Please... Stop...

Oh!

Mm-hmm, mm-hm.

Ugh. Here's what I want to do. You come with me.

Here's what you're going to do. You're gonna, um,

take all your fucking clothes off.

- Take your clothes off. - What?

You're going to take all your clothes off.

- Just take your clothes off. And then you put this on. - I don't want to...

Take all your clothes off. Come on. Let's go.

Erika, I don't want to... - Just fucking do it!

Jesus. Fuck.

And into that.

That's great. Yes.

Yes.

Come on. We don't have all night.

Let's go.

Okay. You're gonna love this.

This is so good. I have something so good.

Okay.

This is so...

Okay, you sit down.

Here, you sit. Sit there.

You go like that...

Like... I go...

- Oh, you're so pretty. - What are you doing?

Shush, shush, shush. No... No questions. Oh...

Hi. Hi.

Mm.

Okay. Here's what I'm going to do.

Tonight...

you...

are gonna be me.

And I'm gonna fuck you.

And then I will be fucking myself.

Literally this time.

- So I get... - Are you out of your mind? I'm not doing that...

No, no, no, Come on. Come on. No, no, no, no, no, no, no

No, no, no.

- Erika, I don't wanna do that. - Oh, come on, sit.

Please stop. - Just... Oh, you don't wanna fuck me?

- No. - Come on.

Come on. Oh, come on, come on, come on.

- This isn't funny. - Come on, come on.

- Stop. - Come on.

Stop it.

Are you fucking crazy?

Come on. Come on!

I just told you what I want you to do!

Can you just do it for me?

Can you just do what I asked you to do?

Erika, what is wrong with you?

What the fu... Are you fucking insane?

Stop! This is not fun anymore.

- Erika, listen to me. - You do it!

Right now. No. This is... Erika, stop!

No!

Do not hit me!

That's the last thing I remember.

So you hit her?

No. What? No, I didn't hit her.

She was attacking me. I was just defending myself.

I mean, I've never seen Erika like this. So unhinged.

Like she had nothing left to lose.

You said she was intoxicated when you arrived.

Yeah, I mean, she was definitely fucked up.

I mean, you know,

she was really upset about the show tanking.

So, I mean, I don't know if she was on anything

besides alcohol, but...

You were under the influence as well.

I had a few glasses of champagne,

but that was it.

You said earlier you blacked out.

Um, well, I hadn't eaten all day.

I guess that the alcohol was hitting me,

you know, a little bit harder than usual.

So let me get this straight.

You drove to Erika's house, you got drunk,

you got in a violent, physical altercation with her,

and then you conveniently blacked out

and can't account for anything that happened

for the rest of the night?

I didn't conveniently black out.

Yeah, if you say so.

After you regained consciousness,

then what happened?

Erika?

Erika?

Stop fucking around, Erika. Where are you?

Oh, fuck.

Fuck.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck.

Fuck.

Erika.

Wait, wake up, wake up.

Erika... Erika, wake up.

Wake up. Erika, wake up.

Erika, come on. Stop fucking with me.

Come on. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up.

Come on, come on, come on!

Hi, uh, hello.

My, uh, my friend, she fell into the pool.

Uh, there was an accident. She...

I tried to give her mouth-to-mouth,

but I think... 10,010 Wonderland Terrace,

Yes. Um, okay.

Yeah. But... Please hurry.

Okay. Okay.

Erika?

Erika?

And then her body miraculously disappeared.

I don't know.

I mean, I went inside the house

for, like, 60 seconds to call 911.

How long were you unconscious?

I don't remember, but I didn't kill her.

I know that for sure.

Is there anyone you can think of that may have wanted Erika dead?

She wasn't universally loved, but...

I can't think of anyone she pissed off

enough to want her murdered.

I don't know. I can't say for sure, though. I...

I honestly didn't know her that well.

So, what happens now?

Well, with no body, there's no evidence.

So...

you're free to go.

What?

I can just leave?

For now.

But don't go far.

So, how many days has it been now?

Five.

You know, the police say the longer that she's missing,

the less likely it is that she's alive.

Do you think I need to get a lawyer?

I mean, not that I can afford one, but...

Let's stay optimistic for the time being.

Speaking of, it seems like the clickbait drama has restored

Erika's market value at the very least.

What?

Every one of her pieces

from her shitty train wreck show sold out.

So I guess it's true what they say.

"An artist is worth more dead than alive."

I mean...

Is it just me or is that so unbelievably fucked up?

Welcome to the sad reality of now.

I'm gonna go for a run. You want me to get you anything while I'm out?

No, I'm... I'm good.

Text me if you change your mind.

Okay.

- You expecting a package? - No.

Elliot?

It's for you.

I'll give you two a minute.

Hi.

So...

What you're trying to say is that it's all...

it's all Vikktor's fault.

No. No, no, no, no. Definitely not.

I... I take full responsibility for my part in this. But...

after the show bombed,

the brand took a huge hit. We had to do something.

You used me in a plot

to fake your own death for publicity?

I understand why you're upset. I do.

Which is why I'm here apologizing in person.

And as I told you, I already cleared everything up

- with the police. - Oh.

Oh, yeah. Thanks for that.

I'm sorry. I'm truly, truly sorry.

But the studio was hemorrhaging money.

And... and... and when Vikktor came up

with this whole cockamamie scheme, I...

I didn't know what else to do.

Did you roofie me?

I had to.

For the plan to work, you had to be just a little foggier than usual,

and we needed time,

you know, to pull off the operation.

It was your usual just...

spy movie stuff.

I mean, to be honest, the hardest part

was forcing myself not to breathe

or laugh when you were giving me mouth-to-mouth.

And then Vikktor and I waited outside

to make sure you called 911.

And the rest is history.

Why me?

Well, you gave us a...

I mean, with your whole meltdown at the opening,

it was a pretty convenient motive,

you know?

And plus, you're the most gullible/trustworthy

of my... Most of my friends would have just run away,

not even called 911.

I don't know what to say. I mean...

I'm happy you're alive.

But I'm so, um,

unbelievably angry at the same time.

I mean, I was just living my life,

minding my own business, and then you come along,

and before I even know what's happening,

I'm a sex slave to a complete fucking sociopath

and being interrogated by the cops for murder.

- That's fair. - It's not fucking fair, Erika!

It's fucked up!

Do you not understand what you've done?

I lost everything because of you.

I mean, Erika, I had real fucking feelings for you,

and you destroyed my entire fucking life.

I know you're upset right now, but you need to trust me.

As somebody who has come back from the dead,

literally and figuratively more than once,

your life is not destroyed.

In fact... there's a silver lining.

Silver lining? What the fuck are you even talking about?

Okay, I'll tell you. Remember when I was saying

that in order to break through the noise

and get people's attention these days, you have to make a big commotion?

Well, now you,

despite whatever nuisance it's caused at the moment,

you can now go and make a documentary

or, uh, write a book or a miniseries or whatever

after you change all the names, and it'll say,

"Based on an insane but shockingly true story,"

which is all people give a shit about these days.

So, what? You... you expect me to be grateful

for you implicating me in this entire fucking shit show?

- Yes. - Wow.

Wow.

You are fucking something else.

I don't believe in shame or regret

or any of the other fucked up brainwashing

they give you in Catholic school.

Uh, ladies and gentlemen, we have a very special guest

in the studio today, world-renowned artist

and now author, uh, Erika Tracy.

Erika's autobiography,

Confessions of a Slut,

How to Get Laid and Conquer the World at the Same Time

is online and in bookstores now.

Go get it.

Erika, I mean, welcome to the show, obviously.

I kind of can't believe you're here right now...

...which is so crazy.

That makes two of us.

Um, I was surprised

to see that I made enough of an impression

to warrant an entire chapter in your book.

I mean, I'm full of surprises. You should know that by now.

Do I ever. Uh...

So, um...

So that was fun.

- It actually was. - Yeah.

- It was great. - Yeah.

And it looks like you were right again.

What do you mean?

Well, you always said that I'd see the benefits

of our relationship in the end, and I mean, well, here we are.

I'm always right. You should know this.

That is... That is so true.

Hey, I, uh... Did you want to get,

like, a drink or dinner or something?

Elliot, are you hitting on me?

Maybe.

I have plans tonight.

And I'm flying out first thing in the morning.

And plus, I've already fucked you, so what's the point?

So true.

You do look good, though. - Thank you.

What'd you do? Did you replace me or something?

Oh, Erika, trust me, there's no replacing you.

- Why, have you replaced me? - Yeah, of course.

- Oh. - But it's not the same.

That's nice to hear. Well, I'm not worried about you.

I mean, you know, I'm sure there's a lot of weak men

looking for a strong woman to dominate them.

- Ouch. - I know.

Wow. I do want to tell you, though, that I...

I am proud of you.

Oh, um, thank you. That... That means a lot.

Oh, gracias, babe.

Jesus, this is Elliot. Elliot, this is Jesus.

Hey, man. Uh, nice to meet you.

No, no, he doesn't speak English, so...

Oh, yeah, no, of course not.

I really hate to break up this circle jerk,

but our next segment is ready, and we are on a tight schedule.

- Mm-hmm. - Have we met before?

Two minutes.

Let's not make it another two years.

Definitely. If you're in New York, call me.

Uh, it's a date.

- Bye, Elliot. - Bye.

Dearly beloved.

We are gathered here today

to witness the union of these two beautiful souls...

as one.

Do you, Elliot, take Erika to be your lawfully wedded wife,

to have and to hold, to honor and cherish...

till death do you part?

I do.

And do you, Erika,

take Elliot to be your lawfully wedded husband,

to have and to hold,

to honor and cherish...

till death do you part?

I do.

I pronounce you man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

- My toothbrush... - Do you wanna...

Legendary, rock hard... Sorry. Sorry.

Mm-hmm.

And wear a cockstrap.

Should I wear a cockstrap?

- Are you sure? - Elliot. Yes.

You're selling it so well.

Thank you so much, Erika.

No. Like, that's, like, not the vibe.

- Ow, fuck. - Oh, God.

Looking at you.

I'm looking at you.

I knew it. I knew it.

Okay.

Greg, I'm gonna do this one

just fucking right down the barrel.

Sorry, say that again?

Sure. Mm-hmm.

She's so manipulative.

I know.