Original subtitles

-Hey, Stuart. -Bert.

Got anything new?

Funny every time.

I think I'm ready to pull the trigger on Batman 608.

Excellent choice.

What's the trade?

What would you say to a can of lima beans?

Oh, geez, Bert, come on! This is near mint.

I could probably get a couple Dinty Moore Beef Stews for this.

Plus...

cream corn.

Okay. I was saving it for my birthday, but I guess I'll throw it in.

Fancy Feast.

What flavor?

-Salmon. -Sold.

-Yay! -Are you crazy?

Hawkeye doesn't deserve to be an Avenger.

Yeah-- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! You do not want to go there.

You got a guy with a bow and arrow, and he's supposed to be on the same team

as a guy with an Arc Reactor iron suit and the literal God of Thunder?

What sense does that even make?

I don't know, I mean... Does this make sense?

I just mopped! We talked about this, Kyle!

-That's strike three! -I'm sorry, okay? But you heard him.

Sorry. He started it.

Unbelievable.

-Give me a hand. -Oh, yeah.

You know, I feel the same way about Green Arrow.

Yeah, we all do but you don't have to kill people.

Bye!

-You ever wonder where this thing goes? -Nope.

-Probably smart. -Stuart.

We gotta talk.

Shit just got weird.

Do you have an identical twin brother?

No.

-Okay, I have two questions. -Just two?

I've only got a few seconds to explain this, so you gotta focus.

-Who are you? -First question.

I'm you from another stream of reality.

Well, that answers that. Second question--

Listen to me.

This apocalyptic nightmare that you are living in,

it can be avoided, it never has to happen.

Okay, now I have, like, six questions.

-He can't be me. -He looks like you.

Senior prom, Emily Manhart, peach schnapps.

She was ready to go. You puked in her lap.

Sounds like you.

-At least I went to my senior prom. -I couldn't go. I had mono.

Please, I don't have a lot of time.

Leonard Hofstadter, Sheldon Cooper, Howard Wolowitz.

-Remember them? -Yeah, real nerds.

Pot-kettle.

-Sure. -Fair enough.

Anyway, they invented some kind of quantum entanglement thing,

and you were there when it malfunctioned.

Both of us or just him?

-Doesn't matter! -It matters to me.

The point is, it altered reality. None of this is supposed to be.

-And by none of this, you mean... -None of it!

The violence, the devastation, the dimensional rifts!

-Dimensional rifts! -Now we know.

None of this is normal.

-Certainly not that! -The big moth?

Yes! Yes! The big moth!

If you turn the lights off, they don't bother you.

You can put everything right. You can make it the way it was.

-You just have to find the-- -Hang on. Hang on!

If you're me from another reality, how can you be in this one?

I don't know. I'm not a quantum physicist.

I went to the Rhode Island School of Design.

-I didn't know that. -Oh, yeah, I have a BFA.

Really? How come you never did anything with it?

What am I gonna do, teach high school kids how to draw fruit?

Guys, please!

The machine is still at Caltech. Here's what you have to do.

Hang on, let me write this down.

"Cal... "

Oh, shoot!

-What is shaking it gonna do? -Stop talking and listen.

You know, I might have a Sharpie, excuse me.

Listen!

When you get to the machine...

-Damn it! -W... What's happening?

I don't know! I'm going through some kind of wormhole!

The important thing is...

And... And when you find him...

and that will fix everything.

You get any of that?

I got the gist.

Nice catch, Steve!

-How is it out there? -It's a little nippy. Wear layers.

Shall we?

I don't know. I'm having second thoughts.

What are you talking about? We've been given a quest.

-Yeah, but do we believe that guy? -That guy was you.

That's my point. When did we start listening to me?

Maybe we have a chance to fix the world.

I don't know, I think it's important to ask the question.

Is this reality that bad?

I think there's room for improvement.

What are you doing?

What's it look like? I'm trying to get us to Caltech.

With a Thomas Guide?

I would've used the GPS on my iPhone, but civilization seemed to have collapsed.

Check it out.

Juggling two--

Juggling two starving feral creatures, as you can see, is not difficult, but...

juggling three is... is profoundly stupid.

I saw them in Vegas.

Such a fun night.

You know who I loved in Vegas and I didn't think I would?

Celine Dion.

I'm sorry.

All right.

Oh, yeah.

Thank you!

We are Penn and Teller and we'll be here until we're dead!

Moth.

Oh, my God, look. Floss.

-Just hurry. It's getting dark. -Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Excuse me, how much for a foot of floss?

-Mint or regular? -Let me get the regular.

Thank you. Oh, yeah, look at that.

Can't put a price on healthy gums.

-This feels so good. -Go easy. We're sharing that.

Not a good sound.

Stuart?

Denise?

-I thought you were dead. -I thought you were dead!

So, what have you been up to?

Robbing mostly. Still working on my screenplay.

-Good for you. -Yeah. How have you been?

-Okay. Still got the store. -That's great.

What's going on?

Don't worry, Gary. I know these guys.

So, we're not robbing, we're not killing? What are we doing?

-You remember I mentioned Stuart? -Sure. How's it going? Gary.

Hi.

So, are you two...

You gotta remember, I thought you were dead.

Yeah, no, right, right, yeah.

Funny story, actually, Gary was seeing my friend Lisa.

Nice girl. Yeah, Jewish.

Yeah, and anyway, Lisa got eaten by cannibals in Sherman Oaks.

Oh, no.

Human meat isn't kosher,

but I guess that only matters if the cannibals are also Jewish.

Anyway, we, you know, comforted each other.

-The lady has skills, am I right? -Well...

To be honest, I mostly focused on my own performance.

-Anyway, we gotta go. -Yeah, Caltech. We're on a quest.

There's no more Caltech. What's left of it is a death trap.

We don't have a choice.

Yeah, an alternate version of me came from another universe

and explained how I can undo the apocalypse.

-It was really cool. -An alternate version of you?

Yeah, same pasty face and same whiny voice.

It was like looking in a mirror.

Well, good luck.

-Yeah, nice to see you. -Yeah, you too.

Have fun with the... looting and stuff.

Ciao.

-They're gonna die. -Oh, yeah.

-That looks bad. -Because of all the guns?

Yes, because of all the guns.

-Denise, what are you doing? -Trying to keep you alive.

I don't care about your life. I'm just hoping to get laid tonight.

Gary.

-Very kind. -Thank you.

-What's your plan? -No, I don't really have one.

-I'm kind of new to the action genre. -All right, here's how we do this.

I'll create a distraction at the main gate.

The three of you cut around to the side where the trucks are going in.

Yeah, then what?

When the trucks stop, you roll under them, grab the undercarriage, and ride on in.

You, sir, have done this before.

Well, back in the day, I was Army Special Forces.

Cool. I was a geologist.

-We ready? -Yeah.

-Hang on. So... So, roll, run, grab? -Run, roll, grab.

-Sorry, more of a visual learner. -On three. One, two, three!

Oh, my God, Gary!

-Don't move! -Hands in the air!

Tell them about the alternate version of you.

Oh, my gosh, Gary.

It's terrible. Just terrible. But you know what?

You... You're gonna find somebody else.

Maybe sooner than you think.

Get in there!

-Wow! -What?

This used to be my Geology classroom.

-I opened so many young minds here. -Can you keep it down?

Raj?

Maybe. Possibly.

Who wants to know?

Raj, it's me, Stuart, from the comic book store.

Stuart?

Yes, and... and Bert Kibbler. You know Bert?

-Bert? -And Denise. Remember Denise?

This isn't real. This is... This is a hallucination!

No. No, no, no. We're here. It's real.

That's kind of what a hallucination would say.

-What are you doing here? -Isn't it obvious? I'm in a locked room.

I haven't changed my underwear in years, and I crap in a bucket!

So, you're like a prisoner?

I rode an elephant to my wedding and now I crap in a bucket!

Congratulations.

-On the wedding thing. -Yeah, a moth ate her.

Anyway, I... I've had time to... to... to figure it all out,

and there's definitely something wrong with this reality.

See? I prove it here and here, and the numbers, they don't lie.

-So, you were telling the truth? -You didn't believe me?

That an alternate version of you told you how to save the universe?

No, not for a minute.

Pay attention! Leonard, Sheldon, and Howard.

They built a vari-state quantum interference device.

That would have been my guess.

It malfunctioned, and it changed everything, right?

The universe, history, reality.

Yeah, yeah, great. How... How do we fix it?

Yeah, that's a toughie. Why, you ask?

Wait, did you ask? I assume you ask.

It's a toughie because we're all prisoners of the Evil One.

And the Evil One likes everything to stay just as it is.

Who's the Evil One?

I can't say his name! If I say his name, bad things happen.

Sorry, is it Voldemort?

I wish it was Voldemort. That's a guy you can reason with.

But--

If we got to the device, you could really reset the universe?

Bing, bang, boom! But it's hopeless!

That device, it's surrounded by armed guards, 24/7!

No, it's not hopeless. The alternate me said

that I'm the chosen one who'll set things right.

He didn't say "chosen."

-Well, he implied "chosen." -Boy, I did not get that at all.

All kneel...

for the Grand Caliph of South Pasadena, Flintridge, and Monrovia!

The Supreme Ruler of the San Gabriel Valley!

I'm not kneeling for anybody!

Okay, yeah.

Hello, pwisoners.

-Kripke? -Ward Kripke.

Not Ward. "Word."

-What... What'd I say? -You said "Ward," and--

This is The Evil One? Barry Kripke?

He's sorry. Please. He doesn't know. Show him mercy.

Mercy? I am nothing if not merciful. Troubadours sing of my mercy!

-You mind if we stand up? -No one stands before Ward Kripke.

Okay, wast time, it's "Word," not "Ward."

Go ahead, stand, doesn't matter.

With all due respect, my liege, how is it that you're the... the grand...

-Cawiph. -...Caliph of South Pasadena?

I suppose we have time for a wittle backstory.

I apologize. You guys have heard this before.

When everything went screwy and civilization as we know it cowapsed,

a vacuum of weadership was created here at the university,

and as we all know...

Nature abhors a vacuum?

Wight-o. So, I seized power, got all the food, the guns, and the girls.

Yeah, end of backstory.

But this world is a living nightmare. Don't you wanna put things right?

Were you not wistening? I... I got all the girls.

By the way...

are you... you seeing anyone or...

-She's with me. -No, I'm not.

I'm trying to protect you.

Take the wench, wash her, bring her to my woom.

-I'd rather die! -I understand.

Wash her and kill her.

-What? No! -No, no, no.

-Hey, hey, hey! -What are you doing? Let go!

-Hands off! -Let me go! Get off of me!

Hands off! Hey, hey! Hey!

Stuart, please come back.

Move towards the light!

-No. -Come on, wake up. I've got an idea.

-What-- Denise. Where's Denise? -They took her.

No, no! No, no, no, no! I have to do something!

Or...

-Or what? -You move on, you meet someone new,

and they get eaten by a moth on your honeymoon.

-Excuse me, I have an idea. -Go ahead.

Like I said, this used to be my Geology classroom.

It's filled with all kinds of rock samples.

So, we're gonna throw rocks at men with guns?

'Cause if you don't know, rock beats scissors, not gun.

We're not gonna throw rocks. We're gonna make bombs out of them.

-What? -Behold.

Potassium. And some water.

Everybody needs to step back a little, please.

-Cool, huh? -Yeah, if the guards are taking a bath.

No. We're gonna make grenades.

-How come I never thought of that? -Don't be hard on yourself.

Most people underestimate the mighty force that is geology.

Sorry, fellas. Time to die.

Agreed. Catch.

What the...

-I love you! -I love you too.

Let's go!

So, what were you in the before times?

-No talking. -Come on, I'm gonna die anyway.

I had a podcast. Vitamins, gut health.

-Nice. -I had Gwyneth Paltrow on.

Oh, my God, I think I heard that.

No, how a good gut biome prevents dementia.

-Yes! -Yeah.

-Thank you! That's exactly-- -It was so good. Yeah.

Well, my dear, have you changed your mind?

Is the choice still sex with you or death?

Wook, I'm not a monster.

I'm just proposing we have a nice dinner, watch a movie, see what unfolds.

-Kill me. -Give us a minute.

Wook. Being the ruler of a post-apocalyptic fiefdom can be...

very wonely.

-What about your harem? -Those girls don't really care about me.

They're just here for the food, medicine, free childcare.

You know what?

Fine. I will have dinner with you.

-Wonderful. -You'll have to untie me first.

A real relationship is built on trust. That has to start now.

Okay. Hey, you wike venison?

I make it with a cherwy gwaze. The key is low-heat weduction.

You are a stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid man!

Stay healthy.

You too!

Stuart!

-I'm so glad you're okay. -I'm so glad you're okay.

Sorry. I'm covered with people.

Yeah, everybody's okay. Let's go!

-Thank God for geology! -I do every day.

There it is.

Really? It looks like one of those bread machines

from Williams Sonoma.

It's a vari-state quantum interference device!

Could be both.

-Can you fix it? -Yes, I think so.

Calibration is off.

-Gotta reconfigure. Change the inputs. -What's supposed to happen?

Does everything just go back to the way it was?

Yeah, fingers crossed.

That would mean you and I would be together again.

Slow down, champ. I'm still grieving.

I think I got it!

He don't got it.

Barry, what did you do? We're trying to fix the universe!

I don't want it fixed! I wike it the way it is.

We don't.

-Raj, talk to me, buddy! -I'm okay. I'm okay.

Maybe not.

Raj?

What do we do? How do we fix the machine?

Look!

It's my grandmother, Ambulu, beckoning me to join her!

Ca... Can... Can she wait a minute?

-Apparently not. -Okay.

-What do we do? What do we do? -Set the impedance to point seven.

-The what? -Yeah, right here.

Okay...

-Disengage the attenuator. -Okay.

-Okay. -Turn the main release.

-Done! -But first...

"But first"? What do you mean, "But first"?

This is upsetting!

Should it be glowing?

Bert, stop.

No zombies, no moths.

No apocalypse.

It worked.

Look how beautiful.

Wats, my weign has ended.

-Hey, your bruises are gone. -Oh, yeah.

You wook good. I mean... for you.

-Where's Denise? -I don't know.

I can't lose her again.

Don't worry, she's out there, and we'll find her.

Everything's back to normal.