Original subtitles

Mmm.

- Doors. - Oh, hello, sailor.

- Oh. - What's going on?

- We've had our first laugh. - What?

- No way. - Not me.

Bullshit.

Let's have a look at the replay.

I've lifted Ronnie Corbett up.

It's a dead weight, 'cause your mind thinks easy.

Can I lift you?

You can give it a go.

Whoa, Sam.

And I've laughed.

Oh, shit.

- Oh, Bobby, how did we miss that? - When did that happen?

He's such a slight fella, I thought there was no chance.

And when I shot up into the air, I had to laugh.

Bob, that's a yellow card.

I'm a bit sad about it, but yeah.

Did you ask for permission?

- Yeah. - He got full consent.

Campbell is coming out on the attack. He's a shark.

Okay. Okay, I'm restarting the game.

Oh, God.

Doors.

So, we're underway.

Sam picks up Bob, and Bob picks up the first yellow card.

Now we've got a game.

That's some gameplay.

I think Sam Campbell is the man to beat. Let's restart the game.

Can I lift you up, Sam?

No. I'm all good. Thanks, man.

- What? That was a bit of an ick. - Get involved, everyone.

What's your favourite food?

- Of all time? - Yeah.

- Ever? - Yeah.

- Can I be honest? - What?

Easter egg.

Do you think the chocolate's got worse?

- It's not as nice as it was. - Definitely. Definitely worse.

I think it's better than ever.

Amy, you're telling me, you're on death row,

- they go, "You've got one meal." - Yeah.

You go, "Can I get an Easter egg"?

Yeah. Big as you can.

I love, um, scallops.

- Scallops? - Do you?

Yeah. Then someone told me they were mermaid's clit.

- What's "clit-y" about them? - The texture.

It's the fact that there's flap on each side.

Also very difficult to find.

- Thank God. - Thank God.

I've never been so pleased for a phone to ring.

- I'll get this, I'm getting this. - I'm getting it.

Hello.

Hi, could I speak to, um, Bob Mortimer?

Sure. Bob! Phone!

- Ooh. - Oh.

Thanks.

All right.

Bob, could you get David Mitchell to arm wrestle with you?

And if anyone asks why I called, just make up a reason.

Okay. Thank you very much.

Love you, bye.

Let's see how he does it.

How old are your children, David?

One is ten and one's 20 months.

- So, you're… you're doing lifting? - Yeah, yeah.

I remember being very strong, 'cause of holding children.

Have you got… No?

No, I'm far too old to have a small child, really.

My body tells me that every day.

I remember when… when Jim was a parent…

…and we were at, um, a hotel one night and Liam Gallagher was there.

Jim, of course, is, uh…

- He's referring to Vic Reeves. - Yes.

Jim Moir.

And Liam says, "Jim, you're not working class."

Jim's not particularly bothered either way, as it were.

Liam said, "I'll fucking arm wrestle you. Let's see who's most working class."

I would question whether winning an arm wrestle

would be complete proof of being working class anyway.

Can…

Is that the absolute clincher, that basically the…

the working class are the best at arm wrestles?

- Can I arm wrestle you, David? - Would you like an arm wrestle?

- And see which one of us is... - Oh. Yes.

- Let's say that the victor is… - Okay.

- …is very working class. - Working class? Okay.

Don't mind, do you?

No, I haven't had an arm wrestle for a long time.

Has David Mitchell ever had any physical combat

other than throwing a chess piece?

There's gonna be an arm wrestle now.

Oh, wow. Arm wrestle. Arm wrestle.

I knew at some point, David, you were gonna start an arm wrestle.

Let's find out if David Mitchell is working class.

Have you always wanted to be working class? I have.

Um, no, I'm quite content to be middle class, bourgeois.

If you win, it's gonna be a big change in your life, isn't it?

But it will be interesting.

If this was a movie,

this would crash cut to David Mitchell drinking in a Wetherspoons.

Like that? Okay.

Elbows mustn't lift off the table, boys.

Ready? One, two, three! Go on!

- Come on! - Come on.

Get stuck in.

- Oh, we've got… - Come on, posh boy.

We've got movement.

- We've got movement. Oh! - Go, Bob.

- Go, Bob. - There it is.

He's gone red. He's gone bright red.

Yes!

- So, officially… - Ah.

- Working class. - Working class.

How many people are there

that can say they've beaten David Mitchell in an arm wrestle?

It's a very elite little group of us.

Probably me and his wife.

Maybe his children.

Come on then, ladies. Mud wrestle.

Who knew.

Oh, no.

- No way. Who? - What?

Doors.

Gather around, please.

Have you laughed now? Is it you who's laughed?

- I don't know. I don't even know. - I don't… I don't think I have.

It's like farting these days, I don't even know if I've done it.

Is it a laugh? Has someone laughed?

Yeah, someone laughed. Let's have a look.

- We've got movement. Oh! - Go, Bob.

- Go, Bob. - There it is.

He's gone red. He's gone bright red.

Di!

- Diane. - Diane.

No way.

- I forgot. - They don't miss anything.

Completely forgot.

Bang to rights.

I thought it might've been me 'cause this has been going up a little bit.

- Hmm. - But yeah, when your face…

- And it was a big old… - Just went. Yes.

- You're like… - Yes.

You didn't give a shit!

It was really sweet.

Uh, I was really enjoying myself.

I was so disappointed at how easily I went.

I just thought that this was like, uh, an everyday arm wrestle at home.

Just like, "Oh, well done. Ah."

I'm gonna go back in there, restart the game.

- Thanks, Jimmy. - Well done, Jim.

It's anyone's game if these two can go down.

Doors.

So David's loud grunting was just too much for Diane.

That's a yellow card.

Okay, let's restart the game.

- Oh, Christ, here we go again. - God.

This is relentless.

Is anyone feeling a bit cold? It feels cold in here, don't it?

Do you think it's a bit cold? Just feels a bit chilly.

Diane, did you have a proper job before you started doing this lark?

I've had loads of jobs, yeah.

I used to pack worming tablets.

Conveyor belt sort of thing?

The packets would give you paper cuts

and then the glue from the packets would seep into the cuts.

And your hands would swell up.

- Right. - And you could always tell people

that worked at the factory

'cause they'd be stood at the bus stop with massive hands.

Did you ever take any home?

Massive hands?

No.

The, um…

worming tablets.

No. I didn't have a dog at the time.

- I got big hands once… - Yeah?

…'cause I'm allergic to penicillin.

Oh, and they puffed up?

Yeah. They went really big.

What did you do when you had your big hands?

Did you put them to any use?

No, uh, at a hospital.

You worked at a hospital?

- Oh, you went to hospital. Right. Yeah. - I went to hospital, yeah.

If one part of you was gonna swell, you know, like, for the fun of it,

- it's only 48 hours… - Yeah. Yeah.

- Nose? - Lips.

Oh, yeah.

Pay good money for that.

What would you go for?

- What? Sorry. - What would you go for?

Oh, here he comes.

- That's how much that artwork... - Did I miss anything, guys?

You're warmer.

Yeah, no, I… I went out and had a cigarette.

What're you doing?

I just didn't have my inhaler, you see?

And it's the only thing that makes me feel better, you know?

- What's your quirkiest item? - How you doing, Bob? All right?

I don't want you to deliver quirk now.

It's like pigeons scattering.

How are you doing, all right? Went and had a cigarette.

I just wish I could give it up.

Actually, I sound butcher than my normal voice.

- Amy. - Oh, Amy's in trouble.

Bob's in trouble.

Reminded me a bit of school, really.

You know, me coming over to chat and then everyone just walking away.

Why have you got a coat on?

'Cause there is a massive bag of helium attached to my back.

- Happy now? - Is that why you're floating

- three inches above the ground? - Yes.

Have you run out of helium?

I used all the helium trying to get a laugh and everyone walked off.

Isn't it very dangerous to have helium?

Yeah, I've had to sign something to say if I die, it's my fault.

My voice didn't really change.

That was the biggest joke.

Okay, I think it's time for a joker. Who do you wanna see?

Diane Morgan?

Okay.

Shall I get that? I'll get that.

You get that. I'm…

Uh, good day.

The penthouse suite of the Laughing Out Loud…

No, it's not called Laughing Out Loud.

What's this show called?

- Laugh Out Loud. - Last One Laughing.

- Last One Laughing. - Last One in The Laughing Area.

Is that… Is that...

Sorry… Sorry, you've got the wrong number.

Crank caller.

She doesn't know the name of the show she's on.

I mean…

I'll have another go.

What? Who's phoning? What's happening?

I don't know. Some weirdo phoning us up.

It's just outrageous.

Must remind you of your youth. Your dating days.

Last One Laughing.

Oh, hi. Could I get, uh, Diane Morgan, please?

Uh, one second.

Diane. There's a phone call for you.

Good luck.

Hello.

Oh, hi, Diane. Could you go prepare your joker, please?

Yes, of course.

Are they complaining about how miserable you are?

- Oh, that's… that's cruel, that. - Oh, Diane.

You're starting to get a bit confident, aren't you?

- Cocky, I'd say. - Yeah.

'Cause you started off and you were, like,

- absolutely shitting yourself. - What's that?

But now you're instigating stuff. You're even taking the piss.

- No. - Yeah.

- No, I'm not. No, way. - You're getting…

You're getting a bit… Do you know what I mean?

Oh, it's getting fizzy.

- Yeah. - It's fizzing up in there now.

Does that mean we sit at the sofa?

Oh, hello.

Oh, here we go.

- Guys, is this like, the young 'uns sofa? - No, Mel.

- Can I bring the average age up? - No, you come over here and be trendy.

- Sit wherever you bloody want. - I love you young 'uns, gang.

- You're beautiful. - Yeah.

This is "Do Not Go Gentle into That Good Night", by Dylan Thomas.

"Do not go gentle into that good night.

Old age should burn and rave at close of day.

Rage, rage against the dying of the light."

"Though wise men at their end know dark is night,

because their words had forked no lightning

they do not go gentle into that good night."

"Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright their frail deeds

might have danced in a green bay. Rage, rage."

"Against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,

and learn, too late, they grieved it on its way."

It's that one that's gotta get 'em.

"Do not go gentle into that good night."

Gbemi's eyes are watering.

"Grave men near death…"

"…who see with blinding sight.

Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay."

"Rage.

Rage against the dying of the..."

Sorry. "Light."

"And you, my father, there on the sad height…"

Ah. I've gone. I've fully gone.

"Bless me now.

With your fierce tears, I pray."

"Do not go gentle into that good night.

Rage,

rage against the dying of the light."

Oh, God!

I'm sorry.

Gbemi is gone!

Her eyes!

- Gbemi. - Oh, my God.

- I was crying. - Oh, God.

- Such a cry. - Oh, God!

Did she… actually were crying?

Holy shit!

I was crying.

Not only was she farting,

she was keeping really awkward eye contact with everyone,

which is a skill in itself.

That was such a great laugh,

and she survived right to the end of the poem.

Gbemi, that was frightening.

You know, when you laugh so it like your body thinks you're sad.

It started to feel painful to not be able to laugh,

and then this sound came out of me that was a bit demonic.

That was terrific.

- And with that I mean, the nature… - Thanks. That means a lot coming from you.

…the choice of farts and fart timing…

- Just im-immaculate. Yeah. - Thank you. Thanks, David.

That's it. That's my favourite. Simple.

Doors.

Oh, here we go.

I don't want anyone to think I'm being overly harsh,

but if you watch very carefully, I think you'll agree.

Oh, is it Mel?

- Just-Just have a look. - Okay.

"Rage against the dying of the light."

Oh, God!

I'm sorry.

- With the tears, she's got little tears. - She had tears.

You're several seconds into it before it stops looking like grief.

- Yes. - Yeah.

It still feels a bit sad in my soul.

- I brought the yellow card. - Okay.

We were gonna bring in an exorcist.

- What was that noise? - Wow.

I mean, I don't wanna be that guy, but you've got a weird laugh.

I just…

I just was holding it in for so long, and I didn't even know when it came out.

I've not put that yellow card away.

No.

- No way. - Oh, my God.

- WTF. - No.

This one is a little bit more subtle,

although all other laughter is subtle compared to that.

- Oh, my God. - Let's have a look.

"Rage against the dying of the…" Sorry.

"And you, my father, there on the sad height…"

- Oh! - Oh!

That was a definite smile and a…

- So, that's a yellow card. - Oh!

I felt the laugh. It was there.

I literally felt it just…

It was a great move from Morgan.

You've gotta recognise game, haven't you?

So far on yellow cards.

Gbemi, Maisie, Diane, Bob.

- I'm gonna go and restart the game. - Wow.

Doors.

Great.

You. You're going for me. I know you are.

Right back at you.

Carr, right back at ya.

So, as Gbemi and Maisie get their first yellow cards,

we're left wondering, "What did Diane Morgan have for lunch?"

Okay, let's restart the game.

Very brat, isn't it?

- It is brat. - It's very brat.

You across that, Bob? Brat?

- Was that the… Wasn't there a brat summer? - Yes.

- We had a brat summer. - Yeah.

I got asked to say that for radio,

- and I had no idea what… - Got asked to say it?

Do you wanna say it now?

- What am I saying when I say it? - Just say it.

"I'm having a brat summer."

- I'm having a brat summer. - That's good.

Are you?

I won't say I had a brat summer.

- I had more of like a sloppy lady. - Hot it in the heat.

I'm hot in the heat.

- Do you know what I mean? - Yeah. Yeah.

I've always got wet cheeks.

- Have you? - Do you know what I mean? Yeah.

No, on the face.

- On my face. - Oh, you nearly…

you nearly… you nearly had him then.

You nearly had him.

Any one fancy a bit of yoga?

I see that's gone down well with the group.

- No. - I-I'm up for some yoga, Mel.

You up? I've got a yoga mat, I can do some moves.

I have very, very low flexibility.

That's why you need it though.

You don't have to be flex, gang.

I'll think about it. I'm nervous.

I don't want to be unreasonable, but I don't want to stick my neck out.

So, Mel is on the front foot.

She's the aggressor. No one saw this coming.

- I don't trust you. - I'm not doing… Now.

I just brought my yoga mat,

'cause I thought there would be times where we-we could…

I'm not being funny, but it looks like you haven't unrolled that yoga mat

- in a long time. - Yeah.

Shall we do some, guys? Let's all get up on our feet.

Are you the only one that gets a mat?

This is just gonna be there for just the look of the whole thing.

Oh. Okay, so that was all pointless. What's the block for?

We'll put one of those down there.

Let's, um, let's get loose, and then tilt.

Up. Tilt up.

- Are you a qualified instructor, Mel? - Not at all.

- Okay, great. - I did some YouTube work.

Feel your central girdle.

Central cradle. Down.

Cradle?

Is that where my testicles are?

How are your testicles hanging, David?

Uh, lower, but still it's like a race to the bottom,

and it's clear which one will win.

And by the bottom, I mean the floor, not my anus.

I can't do this.

Do you not get penalised for dropping out now?

You would get fired from David Lloyd, let me tell you that.

Should we still be thrusting our girdles?

It's a lot of pelvic stuff in this routine.

Yeah, 'cause it's-it's all about feeling the centre of your bodies.

I was enjoying doing the yoga,

but you can't watch David Mitchell doing pelvis yoga.

I defy anyone to watch that.

Are you a royalist, David?

I wouldn't say a roy…

- I don't mind the royal family. - No.

Do you what I do? Do you go, like, to, um, Sandringham on Christmas Day

and give Princess Anne a Crunchie and all that?

- No. - Oh, that's nice.

It's really nice. She loves it. She recognises me every time.

Have you met his Lordship, the King of England?

No. No.

- Have you? Mmm. - I have. Yeah.

Mmm.

Did you do the helium thing?

No, I didn't. I thought maybe not, you know,

'cause he is the king.

I think he… I think he'd find it funny.

Yeah. He laughs a lot, I notice.

What's the laugh? What does he do?

- No. - Cheeky.

- It'd count as a laugh even if it was a... - Yeah.

Well, he sounds actually like a leaf blower, doesn't he?

Ah, the phone.

794368.

Could I get, um, Mel to do her joker, please?

- Yes. Yes. - Thank you.

Mel, can you do your joker, please?

- Go on, Mel. - Go on, Mel!

Go on, Mel!

- Good luck, Mel! You got this. Probably. - Cheers, gang.

Who's… Have you got a favourite king or queen?

I'd have to go for Elizabeth I…

- Because she was a redhead. - …because she's ginger.

- Yeah. - I'd have to.

That's why I'd go for Richard III, 'cause I've got a hump.

Were you keen on Margaret Thatcher for that reason?

Was she a redhead?

Well, it was always weird with her hair, wasn't it?

Because the more she attacked the miners,

the more her hair looked like a miner's helmet.

It looked solid.

She was implying that she could have done the job.

Her own hair was… Stick a light there,

and she could've gone down a mine with a canary.

Yeah. With one of those,

she wouldn't have got vibration white finger.

No.

Where you going? Where you going, Alan?

- Where you going? - Cup of tea.

Are these your cheeses you've brought from home, Bob?

No, they were in the fridge.

How much cheese are you allowed a day?

I'm… …officially allowed a matchbox a week.

Like wartime rations.

When you've had more than a matchbox, should I bat your hand away?

You should do. Yeah. Slap me.

How often do you do a big shop, Bob?

A big shit?

A big shop.

- Who's cut that up? - Who do you think?

What did you use? Your tongue? What?

One of my tactics was that I could get Alan out by staring at him…

and I asked Romesh if he'd help me.

Don't stare at me.

This is bullying now.

This is bullying.

Oh. Here we go.

Do you mind if I sit on this one?

Oh, yes, please.

Oh. Al, no.

Shut up.

Some of you may know this already, but I started out as a street performer.

So I'm gonna dip into my back catalogue.

She's a street performer.

You can keep that.

Ignore the guys in green.

You won't see them against the green screen.

We forgot the green screen.

- Ooh. - Yes!

Wow.

What are we watching?

I don't know.

Wind effect.

Wow.

Now.

Take it off.

Oh, my gosh. Seamless.

Oh, it's Red Riding Hood!

She's really eating those croissants, man.

Ew, did she just spit that out?

She just regurgitated the croissant.

- Gbemi's gonna go. - Oh, Gbemi's gonna go.

Where's Mel?

Who's this then?

Uh…

Mary Anning.

Niche.

Who?

Hammer time.

Okay.

Whoo!

Some modern dance there.

Come on.

Whoa!

Mel, that was so cool!

That was deadly.

Great eye contact.

That was amazing.

Have you forgotten what to do next?

- I love it. - I loved it.

- I love the… - That was amazing.

She's done that spin before, hadn't she?

- That was… - Yeah.

I think if it was Last One Gasping, then she would've won.

- Yeah, yeah. - How do you mean?

- Took my breath away. - Oh, I see.

That bit at the end where she did a spin,

I thought I was watching Cirque du Soleil.

Honestly, she was like a rotisserie chicken.

I think it was very good.

- It was slick, wasn't it? - And it was good, and it was funny,

- and I feel guilty for not laughing. - Yeah.

I would've so enjoyed laughing at that.

It deserved a big old laugh.

It's like lots of delicious food that we just look at and throw away.

That spin. She could've cracked her head open.

- Yeah, it was quite dangerous, that bit. - Yeah.

Just think of the paperwork they had to go through

- for that to be allowed to happen. - Christ, yeah.

- It's inspiring, really. - Hmm.

I can't believe we did that 360-degree flip.

For a menopausal lady,

that will bring on certain chemical reactions,

and I can safely say that yes, it did.

Did you know I was outed by a Ouija board?

Were ya?

- That's how I came out. - You're so gay that the spirits know?

I was doing a Ouija board with my mum, and it spelt out "homo".

No.

And then it called my mum a slut.

My mum said, "You're pushing this."

I said, "No I'm not."

I said, "I don't need the dark arts to call you a slut."

Are you sure it wasn't all just one word and you were being called a homo slut?

No, 'cause it stopped and then went, "Slut".

Oh, okay.

Nice name for a pub if ever you and your mum open a pub.

No, that's too much for a pub.

"Do you fancy a quick half down the Homo and Slut?"

I look like a retired Bollywood director.

And then you put the cap on.

Did you ever watch Kuch Kuch Hota Hai?

Not yet.

- Kuch Kuch Hota Hai. It's so good, man. - Mmm.

Where will I watch that?

- Uh, my mum's house. - Okay, great.

- She's got it on DVD. She loves it. - I'm there.

- Have you seen Lagaan? - Yeah, I've seen Lagaan.

- Yeah, I can't be doing with both of you. - Lagaan is good, huh?

Poor Alan's getting it from all angles.

You should watch Kuch Kuch Hota Hai though.

Stop saying the name of that programme.

- Film. Film. - I'm just warning you now.

- It's a movie. - Film, whatever.

- Movie. Movie, bastard. - No. No.

- No, no! Stop it now. Enough. - Kuch Kuch Hota Hai, bastard.

Oh, look at him. He's an absolute buffet for bullies.

They're just trying to break me.

- Watch it. Get it watched. - Ganging up.

- Well done, Mel. - Well done, Mel.

- Whoo! - Great stuff.

Was that true, Alan?

Yeah, genuinely true.

Did you realise you were gay before that,

- or did that give you the idea? - I was straight.

- I was married with three kids. - Right.

- I wish I'd never done the Ouija board. - Then you thought, "Yeah, fair enough.

- This is what the spirits say." - That's it, yeah.

"Give it a go. I'm sure I can get into it."

The fruit machine is now available for inspiration.

Just pull the lever and follow the prompts.

- Lever? - He said le-ver. Lee-ver.

- Lee-ver. - Somebody's trying to break America.

- What's going on here? - I don't know if I agree with that at all.

Oh. Best life advice.

- Oh! - Wow.

Well, I think it would be borrow your next-door neighbour's Ouija board

- and take the sexual journey it suggests. - Yep.

That's good.

It's not who you know. It's who you blow.

Strong. I've lived by that for a long time.

But presumably the person you blow, you will know, at least a bit.

Or not.

- Do you know who told me that? - Your mum.

No. Martin Lewis, the money… money saving person.

- It's not who you know. It's who you blow. - Martin Lewis said it's not...

That's a hell of a money saving tip, isn't it?

I'd only popped in for a mortgage.

Yeah. Money saving tip right on the lips.

What I do, and I actually follow this myself,

whenever I leave my house, I shout, "Good-bye, Grandad!"

before I shut the door, and then people won't burgle it,

because they'll think that somebody is inside.

- That is clever. - You're looking downwards,

- like he's on the floor, in trouble? - There's an old man...

Which burglar's gonna be scared of your grandad?

You haven't seen him.

Well, neither have they.

Mel Giedroyc says, "Good-bye Grandad."

No burglar's going, "Jesus Christ! You've seen her."

He-He is long dead, but is hard as nails.

But from your eyeline,

he would appear to have been about ten inches tall.

Yeah.

'Cause you've gone like that, "Good-bye, Grandad."

Is he buried under the floorboards?

Why don't you shout,

"All right, killer. I'm getting you some more meat"?

I was by my-my grandmother's bedside when she passed away,

and, um…

just as she, sort of, was going, she looked at me and she said,

"I'm still disappointed."

Oh.

Do you know what? I once… I was once in a taxi cab and I said,

"Oh, what was your Covid like? Spent most of it in a K hole."

- Was that the cab driver or you? - Yeah.

He's having… He's having to have a think about that, isn't he?

Was it him or was it the cab driver

- that was in the K hole? - It was the cab… driver.

In the K hole, was it you or the cab driver?

It was the cab driver!

Ah!

Gather on the sofas, please.

I've got a treat for you.

A treat?

- Oh, hello. - Oh, no, I was...

Take the scenic route.

I was trying to do a, um, Dukes of Hazzard-style entry.

Oh. I hope it's not Krispy Kreme doughnuts.

I think they're overrated.

What's this about?

They can't look away.

Ooh, hey up.

Oh, my God.

No way.

You're fucking kidding me.

50 ducks, bam.

- Oh. - It's like a robot that can shit.

I'm just trying to find out what you're into, Alan.

I mean, this is a very strong team.

One, two, three, four, nipple, nipple…

Oh!

- Oh, he's got his laptop. - No, no, no.

Oh, yes, please.

I smell a rat, Bob.

And his testicles are just dangling separately to the rest of his body,

and-and then he just dips it, submerges, and then lifts.