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1
00:00:10,280 --> 00:00:12,199
Look at that.
2
00:00:12,200 --> 00:00:13,800
Oh, yes.
3
00:00:13,840 --> 00:00:16,800
Oh, that's nasty, that is,
isn't it?
4
00:00:16,840 --> 00:00:19,560
Could you leave it outside
next time?
5
00:00:19,600 --> 00:00:21,280
It's just rough skin.
6
00:00:21,320 --> 00:00:22,840
It's not that unsightly.
7
00:00:22,880 --> 00:00:25,039
No, but I bet you don't get
many requests
8
00:00:25,040 --> 00:00:28,360
for an enlargement
in full colour, do you?
9
00:00:28,400 --> 00:00:30,000
I've tried everything.
10
00:00:30,040 --> 00:00:34,560
What you need
is Dr Proctor's Skin Softener.
11
00:00:36,560 --> 00:00:38,720
Ah, here he is.
12
00:00:38,760 --> 00:00:40,360
This gentleman here, you know,
13
00:00:40,400 --> 00:00:43,839
he didn't get petal-soft skin
by accident.
14
00:00:43,840 --> 00:00:45,240
Oh, no.
15
00:00:45,280 --> 00:00:48,079
Gastric, take a look at
Mr Phillips' leg, will you, please?
16
00:00:48,080 --> 00:00:49,239
I haven't got time.
17
00:00:49,240 --> 00:00:50,720
I'm fixing Madge's boiler.
18
00:00:50,760 --> 00:00:53,160
Oh, dear.
19
00:00:53,200 --> 00:00:56,560
What is this life if full of care?
20
00:00:56,600 --> 00:01:00,080
We have no time to stand and stare
21
00:01:00,120 --> 00:01:01,360
at Mr Phillips' leg.
22
00:01:02,760 --> 00:01:04,200
Good morning. Hi.
23
00:01:04,240 --> 00:01:06,000
PHONE RINGS
24
00:01:08,240 --> 00:01:10,920
VOICE ON PHONE: Gastric? Hello,
Madge. How long are you going to be?
25
00:01:10,960 --> 00:01:13,280
I'm coming. You should be here.
26
00:01:13,320 --> 00:01:15,520
I'm coming. I shan't be long.
Where are you?
27
00:01:15,560 --> 00:01:16,920
Um, er...
28
00:01:16,960 --> 00:01:20,919
I'm just looking
at this gentleman's leg. What?!
29
00:01:20,920 --> 00:01:22,719
MADGE CONTINUES TALKING
30
00:01:22,720 --> 00:01:24,040
I'll come back later.
31
00:01:29,440 --> 00:01:30,760
Who was that on the phone?
32
00:01:30,800 --> 00:01:32,160
That was his love life.
33
00:01:32,200 --> 00:01:34,560
I told you he was petal-soft,
didn't I?
34
00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:59,320
HE YAWNS
35
00:02:09,160 --> 00:02:10,360
HE SNORES QUIETLY
36
00:02:49,320 --> 00:02:51,880
What did I dream about last night?
37
00:02:51,920 --> 00:02:53,560
Tins of baked beans.
38
00:02:55,120 --> 00:02:57,840
D... huh...
39
00:02:59,560 --> 00:03:03,160
When people my age should be having
wild, exotic dreams...
40
00:03:03,200 --> 00:03:05,279
..I get baked beans.
41
00:03:05,280 --> 00:03:07,679
You stack boxes of them
in my bedroom.
42
00:03:07,680 --> 00:03:09,640
Only because my bedroom's full.
43
00:03:09,680 --> 00:03:12,119
I don't know why you bought them.
44
00:03:12,120 --> 00:03:14,759
You can't sell an unknown brand,
45
00:03:14,760 --> 00:03:17,040
especially one called Manky.
46
00:03:17,080 --> 00:03:20,840
Who is going to want Manky Beans?
47
00:03:20,880 --> 00:03:23,279
They are the nation's favourite.
48
00:03:23,280 --> 00:03:24,680
Where?
49
00:03:24,720 --> 00:03:26,439
Kalamistan.
50
00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:29,160
You've invented a country
called Kalamistan.
51
00:03:29,200 --> 00:03:30,879
CHUCKLING: As if I would.
52
00:03:30,880 --> 00:03:32,319
Where is it then?
53
00:03:32,320 --> 00:03:36,280
Your knowledge of geography's
very limited, isn't it, eh?
54
00:03:36,320 --> 00:03:40,520
Kalamistan is
an independent republic
55
00:03:40,560 --> 00:03:44,200
on the outer borders
of Mongolia.
56
00:03:44,240 --> 00:03:46,440
They all speak the same language.
57
00:03:46,480 --> 00:03:47,840
Yeah, so do you -
58
00:03:47,880 --> 00:03:49,280
complete rubbish.
59
00:03:49,320 --> 00:03:51,480
Yeah, well, the price was right.
60
00:03:51,520 --> 00:03:54,919
Who's going to want to buy
something called Manky?
61
00:03:54,920 --> 00:04:00,040
Well, they will when they find out
what it means in ancient Mongolian.
62
00:04:00,680 --> 00:04:04,120
Not going to help, the fact
that they taste horrible.
63
00:04:04,160 --> 00:04:08,360
We tell them that it means
"the stairway to heaven."
64
00:04:09,720 --> 00:04:12,760
The beans that offer enlightenment.
65
00:04:18,240 --> 00:04:20,840
Two sugars, Mrs Machin.
66
00:04:20,880 --> 00:04:22,600
You did say two?
67
00:04:22,640 --> 00:04:25,640
If it was one,
just think of it as two ones.
68
00:04:25,680 --> 00:04:28,400
That's fine, love.
69
00:04:28,440 --> 00:04:30,399
And how is Mr Machin?
70
00:04:30,400 --> 00:04:32,359
Don't ask.
71
00:04:32,360 --> 00:04:35,400
Well, don't you know
or daren't you say?
72
00:04:35,440 --> 00:04:37,279
It's embarrassing.
73
00:04:37,280 --> 00:04:40,440
Well, I'm sure we don't wish to pry.
74
00:04:40,480 --> 00:04:42,640
But since
it's getting interesting...
75
00:04:42,680 --> 00:04:45,120
And seeing as
you've more or less started...
76
00:04:45,160 --> 00:04:48,360
He has these dreams.
Oh, we all have dreams.
77
00:04:48,400 --> 00:04:52,800
Oh, not me, I gave them up
when Roger Moore died.
78
00:04:52,840 --> 00:04:56,679
It's true, we all have dreams,
but not like his recently.
79
00:04:56,680 --> 00:05:00,560
It's ever since they changed his
medication for his frozen shoulder.
80
00:05:00,600 --> 00:05:03,239
They've got some frozen shoulder
at the Co-op.
81
00:05:03,240 --> 00:05:06,040
I daren't tell Granville
it's cheaper than his.
82
00:05:06,080 --> 00:05:10,320
Mrs Machin means that Mr Machin's
got some loss of movement
83
00:05:10,360 --> 00:05:11,720
in his shoulder.
84
00:05:11,760 --> 00:05:13,360
You wouldn't think loss of movement
85
00:05:13,400 --> 00:05:16,200
if you saw him jumping about
in bed with these dreams.
86
00:05:16,240 --> 00:05:17,760
Ooh, excitable is he?
87
00:05:17,800 --> 00:05:20,280
I could never accuse him of that.
88
00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:22,720
When they're in love
with vintage buses,
89
00:05:22,760 --> 00:05:24,720
it's a lot like being a widow.
90
00:05:26,000 --> 00:05:28,080
Well, he could have worse hobbies.
91
00:05:28,120 --> 00:05:29,399
Mine did.
92
00:05:29,400 --> 00:05:31,040
I told you not to marry him.
93
00:05:31,080 --> 00:05:32,240
I tried.
94
00:05:32,280 --> 00:05:34,960
But he said, "Shut up, I'm busy."
95
00:05:35,000 --> 00:05:38,960
And, anyway,
then he said he needed me.
96
00:05:39,000 --> 00:05:44,000
So, are we to understand that
Mr Machin's having disturbed nights?
97
00:05:46,320 --> 00:05:49,120
At least my marriage bed was quiet.
98
00:05:49,160 --> 00:05:51,600
He was usually in somebody else's.
99
00:05:51,640 --> 00:05:54,199
At the moment, there's far too much
going off in our bed
100
00:05:54,200 --> 00:05:55,640
during the hours of darkness.
101
00:05:56,840 --> 00:05:59,880
However, I'd rather
you didn't repeat that.
102
00:05:59,920 --> 00:06:02,079
As if we would.
103
00:06:02,080 --> 00:06:04,760
Jumping about in bed all night.
104
00:06:04,800 --> 00:06:07,800
Apparently he's having
these funny dreams.
105
00:06:07,840 --> 00:06:11,640
Well, that's a big jump, isn't it,
from vintage buses?
106
00:06:11,680 --> 00:06:16,359
She says it involves vintage buses,
but in a way that's embarrassing.
107
00:06:16,360 --> 00:06:17,560
What, another woman?
108
00:06:17,600 --> 00:06:18,760
Worse.
109
00:06:18,800 --> 00:06:20,000
What, two other women?
110
00:06:21,440 --> 00:06:24,480
Well,
that doesn't sound like Mr Machin.
111
00:06:24,520 --> 00:06:29,159
I mean, he's the sort
that'd only buy one sock at a time,
112
00:06:29,160 --> 00:06:31,920
if he could find a pliable retailer.
113
00:06:31,960 --> 00:06:35,759
What worries Mrs Machin is he says
they aren't dreams.
114
00:06:35,760 --> 00:06:37,640
He says they're real.
115
00:06:37,680 --> 00:06:41,920
He says every night except Tuesdays
he's abducted by aliens.
116
00:06:44,400 --> 00:06:46,520
What's wrong with Tuesdays?
117
00:06:46,560 --> 00:06:49,000
It's their bingo night.
118
00:06:49,040 --> 00:06:50,240
Oh.
119
00:06:57,760 --> 00:06:59,000
Oh...
120
00:07:00,640 --> 00:07:02,440
"Meet me at the park," you said.
121
00:07:02,480 --> 00:07:05,719
I thought, "Nice, gently romantic,
just the two of us."
122
00:07:05,720 --> 00:07:07,959
What have you brought her for?
She's got a name,
123
00:07:07,960 --> 00:07:10,360
she's not some object.
124
00:07:10,400 --> 00:07:11,800
Ruby gets lonely.
125
00:07:11,840 --> 00:07:13,840
I get lonely
when there's three of us.
126
00:07:13,880 --> 00:07:16,520
I feel sorry for her,
she's my best friend.
127
00:07:16,560 --> 00:07:19,920
Plus she's in love with
my boyfriend, but then everyone is.
128
00:07:19,960 --> 00:07:22,119
I'm not. I don't like him.
129
00:07:22,120 --> 00:07:23,880
You've never met him. Instinct.
130
00:07:25,080 --> 00:07:27,240
Plus the fact he's called Gerald.
131
00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:29,440
And Ruby needs someone
she stands a chance with.
132
00:07:29,480 --> 00:07:30,840
What about your friends?
133
00:07:30,880 --> 00:07:33,319
Is there anyone that's... lonely?
134
00:07:33,320 --> 00:07:34,600
Not that lonely.
135
00:07:42,080 --> 00:07:44,639
You need to get some oil
on that thing.
136
00:07:44,640 --> 00:07:47,280
Your sprockets are worn.
It's disgusting.
137
00:07:47,320 --> 00:07:50,200
Look at your hands.
Oh, yeah, they get like that.
138
00:07:50,240 --> 00:07:54,239
I see yours are clean.
I have to handle people's groceries.
139
00:07:54,240 --> 00:07:55,880
I bet Gerald's are clean.
140
00:07:55,920 --> 00:07:59,920
Gerald is executive material.
He's licensed to be clean.
141
00:07:59,960 --> 00:08:02,560
It's nice to see you two
getting off to a good start.
142
00:08:02,600 --> 00:08:04,400
I was hoping you could be friends.
143
00:08:04,440 --> 00:08:06,320
She dislikes me.
She doesn't dislike you.
144
00:08:06,360 --> 00:08:09,280
Yes, I do.
Ruby, you need to meet new people.
145
00:08:09,320 --> 00:08:11,160
Yeah, and win them over
with your charm.
146
00:08:11,200 --> 00:08:13,560
Oh, do you know what?
I'll thump you in a minute.
147
00:08:13,600 --> 00:08:14,760
See what I mean?
148
00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:26,400
You shouldn't be with this person.
Oh..
149
00:08:26,440 --> 00:08:28,279
He's not your type.
150
00:08:28,280 --> 00:08:29,439
He eats meat.
151
00:08:29,440 --> 00:08:30,680
Only at meals.
152
00:08:48,720 --> 00:08:49,680
SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
153
00:08:49,720 --> 00:08:50,920
Oh.
154
00:08:50,960 --> 00:08:53,680
I am returning this, Granville.
155
00:08:53,720 --> 00:08:56,080
You're returning Mr Newbold?
156
00:08:56,120 --> 00:08:58,440
No, no, no...
157
00:08:58,480 --> 00:09:02,399
Only if persuaded
by the right person.
158
00:09:02,400 --> 00:09:07,480
No, I found Mr Newbold in possession
of unidentified beans.
159
00:09:07,600 --> 00:09:12,680
Oh, the people's favourite
in Ulaanbaatar, hmm?
160
00:09:13,080 --> 00:09:15,280
I just thought I'd try a tin.
161
00:09:15,320 --> 00:09:20,040
Impulsive, I agree,
but hardly a character flaw.
162
00:09:20,080 --> 00:09:24,159
You see, he has this... this reckless
drive for the new experience.
163
00:09:24,160 --> 00:09:26,240
It's all I can do to keep him
at arm's length.
164
00:09:31,560 --> 00:09:33,799
Manky Beans, Granville.
165
00:09:33,800 --> 00:09:36,200
Now why would a person
with your flair for business
166
00:09:36,240 --> 00:09:38,000
be handling Manky Beans?
167
00:09:41,520 --> 00:09:44,559
Genghis Khan never went anywhere
168
00:09:44,560 --> 00:09:48,760
without his tin of Manky Beans,
Mrs Featherstone.
169
00:09:50,240 --> 00:09:52,240
I bought them.
170
00:09:52,280 --> 00:09:54,920
I was rather looking forward
to sampling them.
171
00:09:54,960 --> 00:09:56,720
No, you weren't -
you had second thoughts.
172
00:09:56,760 --> 00:09:58,360
Second thoughts?
173
00:09:58,400 --> 00:10:00,800
You never told me
I'd had second thoughts.
174
00:10:00,840 --> 00:10:04,440
You're going to have to warn me,
Delphine, when I finished the first.
175
00:10:04,480 --> 00:10:07,480
He can be very trying sometimes.
176
00:10:07,520 --> 00:10:10,439
In fact, he's very trying
most of the time.
177
00:10:10,440 --> 00:10:13,480
But I am a rock when
I'm thinking of you, Granville.
178
00:10:16,840 --> 00:10:19,959
One returned can of Manky Beans.
179
00:10:19,960 --> 00:10:23,800
Yes, but can we be certain
that he bought them here?
180
00:10:25,000 --> 00:10:28,960
Where else in the universe
is he going to find Manky Beans?
181
00:10:31,480 --> 00:10:35,520
Any reputable grocer in Ulaanbaatar.
182
00:10:41,320 --> 00:10:43,279
Abducted by aliens?
183
00:10:43,280 --> 00:10:47,000
Except on Tuesdays, when they all
go to bingo in vintage buses.
184
00:10:47,040 --> 00:10:48,959
Oh, and not only with drivers -
185
00:10:48,960 --> 00:10:51,319
with conductresses
giving out tickets.
186
00:10:51,320 --> 00:10:53,400
And he reckons he's not dreaming.
187
00:10:53,440 --> 00:10:57,040
Mind you, half the men round here
have no idea when they're dreaming.
188
00:10:58,320 --> 00:11:00,720
Might I remind you
that man's ability to dream
189
00:11:00,760 --> 00:11:03,440
is the very quality
that lifted him from ignorance.
190
00:11:03,480 --> 00:11:05,759
I know, and it's that very quality
191
00:11:05,760 --> 00:11:09,040
that enabled you to walk nose-first
into that glass door.
192
00:11:11,160 --> 00:11:12,319
I though it were open.
193
00:11:12,320 --> 00:11:14,120
No, that was your mouth.
194
00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:17,559
I have to keep me mouth open.
195
00:11:17,560 --> 00:11:19,000
I have to be ready in case you ever
196
00:11:19,040 --> 00:11:21,840
stop long enough
for me to get a word in.
197
00:11:21,880 --> 00:11:25,239
Being with you two
is amazingly like being at home.
198
00:11:25,240 --> 00:11:27,959
He's still mad at me
cos I won't go camping.
199
00:11:27,960 --> 00:11:29,160
Mine's the same.
200
00:11:29,200 --> 00:11:31,480
A firm no to a tent.
201
00:11:31,520 --> 00:11:34,240
She says, "Where are we going to
leave mother?"
202
00:11:34,280 --> 00:11:37,840
And I keep telling her, "Out in the
wilderness, miles from anywhere.
203
00:11:37,880 --> 00:11:41,320
"There'd be a dozen places
where we can leave your mother."
204
00:11:41,360 --> 00:11:43,640
That's just nasty.
205
00:11:43,680 --> 00:11:45,919
It's just a dream.
206
00:11:45,920 --> 00:11:49,000
But mine would INCLUDE Tuesdays.
207
00:11:49,040 --> 00:11:50,800
You're as bad as him.
208
00:11:50,840 --> 00:11:53,120
Oh, I don't believe in alien life.
209
00:11:53,160 --> 00:11:56,160
I can't think there's anyone
anywhere stranger than us.
210
00:11:56,200 --> 00:11:58,400
Well, I believe
in higher intelligences.
211
00:11:58,440 --> 00:12:00,280
And what's more,
I bet they go camp...
212
00:12:05,160 --> 00:12:06,320
BELL RINGS
213
00:12:07,320 --> 00:12:11,439
Oh, good day to you, Mr Machin.
214
00:12:11,440 --> 00:12:15,199
Not being abducted
by aliens today then?
215
00:12:15,200 --> 00:12:16,480
Never on Tuesdays.
216
00:12:17,920 --> 00:12:20,120
Oh, so it's true?
217
00:12:20,160 --> 00:12:23,320
Does it matter? Nobody believes me.
218
00:12:23,360 --> 00:12:25,279
Oh, that's probably
because Mrs Machin said
219
00:12:25,280 --> 00:12:27,560
that you never leave your bed.
220
00:12:27,600 --> 00:12:30,280
They don't understand
the astrophysics.
221
00:12:30,320 --> 00:12:33,360
Oh, ha, no, they should have asked.
222
00:12:34,520 --> 00:12:38,840
What, you're familiar
with astrophysics? Oh, yes, yes.
223
00:12:38,880 --> 00:12:42,480
What do they call this, er,
alien planet then?
224
00:12:42,520 --> 00:12:43,840
Leyland.
225
00:12:43,880 --> 00:12:46,960
Oh, the Planet Leyland, right.
Is it far?
226
00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:50,200
Well, just past the northern lights,
you make a left.
227
00:12:50,240 --> 00:12:52,520
These people are very human-like.
228
00:12:52,560 --> 00:12:55,080
That's hardly a recommendation,
though, is it?
229
00:12:55,120 --> 00:12:56,920
They're not little green men.
230
00:12:56,960 --> 00:12:58,920
What do they look like?
231
00:12:58,960 --> 00:13:03,400
Just like bus drivers
and conductresses from the 1930s.
232
00:13:04,520 --> 00:13:08,280
The women look fabulous in the old
Yorkshire Traction company uniforms.
233
00:13:09,560 --> 00:13:11,120
And nobody believes you?
234
00:13:13,400 --> 00:13:15,640
Hmm, I think I can help you there.
235
00:13:17,080 --> 00:13:19,919
How would you like to make
a personal appearance
236
00:13:19,920 --> 00:13:22,119
and tell your stories?
237
00:13:22,120 --> 00:13:23,320
Well, who to?
238
00:13:23,360 --> 00:13:26,760
Well, to all your space-mad fans,
you know?
239
00:13:26,800 --> 00:13:29,319
There's a big market these days.
240
00:13:29,320 --> 00:13:30,840
Hmm...
241
00:13:31,880 --> 00:13:36,720
You turn up with your stories
and I'll provide the venue.
242
00:13:44,440 --> 00:13:46,760
Why do you want to go
on a camping holiday?
243
00:13:46,800 --> 00:13:49,640
You could go in the garden
and get nettled and bitten.
244
00:13:49,680 --> 00:13:52,760
You're forgetting
the back nature element.
245
00:13:52,800 --> 00:13:56,840
The recapturing of those primitive
skills that are still in our genes.
246
00:13:56,880 --> 00:14:00,440
I think... I must have mislaid mine.
247
00:14:01,600 --> 00:14:03,320
I like a warm bathroom.
248
00:14:04,800 --> 00:14:07,400
We'll be in the wilderness.
249
00:14:07,440 --> 00:14:09,280
Welcome to my world.
250
00:14:10,560 --> 00:14:13,440
The wilderness is a man thing.
251
00:14:13,480 --> 00:14:15,720
You don't take wives.
252
00:14:15,760 --> 00:14:18,160
Of course you take wives.
253
00:14:18,200 --> 00:14:20,919
That's where they learn that when
they hear that noise in the night
254
00:14:20,920 --> 00:14:24,840
that YOU... are the rock
they can cling to.
255
00:14:24,880 --> 00:14:26,280
Oh...
256
00:14:31,600 --> 00:14:34,200
I don't suppose you offer
any continental meats?
257
00:14:34,240 --> 00:14:36,479
Which continent, madam?
258
00:14:36,480 --> 00:14:39,960
Well, Europe. Italian, French...?
259
00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:44,719
Well, we do keep a few special items
for the more discerning customer.
260
00:14:44,720 --> 00:14:46,200
Do come in.
261
00:14:46,240 --> 00:14:47,960
Oh, good.
262
00:14:48,000 --> 00:14:50,879
I was just passing and I thought,
"Well, it's worth a try.
263
00:14:50,880 --> 00:14:53,280
"Save me going all the way
to a proper shop."
264
00:14:55,160 --> 00:14:56,760
What would you like, madam?
265
00:14:56,800 --> 00:14:58,360
Smoked sausage.
266
00:14:58,400 --> 00:15:01,840
Yes, we have pepperoni
and we have salami.
267
00:15:01,880 --> 00:15:05,080
No, no, no, no. Smoked sausage.
268
00:15:06,520 --> 00:15:09,159
Oh, dear,
I was afraid you'd have none.
269
00:15:09,160 --> 00:15:10,560
Well, you see,
270
00:15:10,600 --> 00:15:15,600
we discontinued that line when the
new and improved version came along.
271
00:15:18,520 --> 00:15:20,199
They've improved the smoked sausage?
272
00:15:20,200 --> 00:15:22,560
Oh, yes, ma'am, by leaps and bounds.
273
00:15:22,600 --> 00:15:23,960
Let me show you.
274
00:15:25,440 --> 00:15:27,519
That doesn't look smoked.
275
00:15:27,520 --> 00:15:30,680
No, that's because it's not smoked,
madam.
276
00:15:30,720 --> 00:15:35,160
What we have here is the latest
refinement in continental meats.
277
00:15:35,200 --> 00:15:38,400
Well, if it's not smoked,
what is it?
278
00:15:38,440 --> 00:15:40,600
Smacked, madam.
279
00:15:40,640 --> 00:15:44,159
These are smacked sausages.
280
00:15:44,160 --> 00:15:49,160
You see, it tenderises the meat
and enhances the flavour.
281
00:15:49,200 --> 00:15:50,919
Smacked? Yes.
282
00:15:50,920 --> 00:15:53,679
Not by anybody - oh, no -
by a professional,
283
00:15:53,680 --> 00:15:57,080
and they have to have served
a long apprenticeship
284
00:15:57,120 --> 00:15:59,520
with a senior sausage smacker.
285
00:16:00,720 --> 00:16:04,120
Well, I've never heard of this.
Is it something new?
286
00:16:04,160 --> 00:16:09,120
Well, it is to us, but it is
an old Lithuanian delicacy.
287
00:16:09,520 --> 00:16:12,960
If you ever go to Vilniusyat, uh,
288
00:16:13,000 --> 00:16:15,279
you will often hear them
smacking their sausages
289
00:16:15,280 --> 00:16:19,079
and singing
their little Lithuanian hearts out.
290
00:16:19,080 --> 00:16:21,999
Well, it sounds enchanting.
Yes, it is rather.
291
00:16:22,000 --> 00:16:23,280
I shall take half a kilo.
292
00:16:23,320 --> 00:16:25,120
Thank you, madam, half a kilo,
293
00:16:25,160 --> 00:16:28,400
and you will want the Manky Beans
to go with that, of course.
294
00:16:28,440 --> 00:16:30,160
Absolument.
295
00:16:32,160 --> 00:16:33,160
Bring it down, John.
296
00:16:39,240 --> 00:16:41,360
Look, before you start,
297
00:16:41,400 --> 00:16:43,320
Gerald has no interest in me.
298
00:16:43,360 --> 00:16:45,160
Well,
he probably thinks you're a fella.
299
00:16:45,200 --> 00:16:47,760
I just don't do
the helpless female act.
300
00:16:47,800 --> 00:16:49,280
Oh, I've noticed that.
301
00:16:49,320 --> 00:16:51,640
Look, what is it you want?
I've got work to do.
302
00:16:51,680 --> 00:16:53,560
Question is, Ruby, what do YOU want?
303
00:16:53,600 --> 00:16:55,599
Oh... And it's Gerald, isn't it?
304
00:16:55,600 --> 00:16:57,239
So what are you doing about it?
305
00:16:57,240 --> 00:16:58,959
He belongs to Beth.
306
00:16:58,960 --> 00:17:00,399
He takes her for granted,
307
00:17:00,400 --> 00:17:02,480
he needs someone who's going to
treat him tougher.
308
00:17:02,520 --> 00:17:04,120
Oh, which will be me?
309
00:17:05,160 --> 00:17:07,399
Well, look at you - you're ideal.
310
00:17:07,400 --> 00:17:09,159
Look, she's my best friend.
311
00:17:09,160 --> 00:17:10,760
So you want her wasting her life on
312
00:17:10,800 --> 00:17:13,199
some doofus
who doesn't really care...?
313
00:17:13,200 --> 00:17:15,080
He is not a doofus.
314
00:17:15,120 --> 00:17:16,120
My mistake.
315
00:17:20,640 --> 00:17:22,520
Planet Leyland?
316
00:17:22,560 --> 00:17:25,440
It's just past the northern lights
and you turn left.
317
00:17:25,480 --> 00:17:28,280
Well, it sounds as if he's turned
a bit more than left.
318
00:17:28,320 --> 00:17:30,480
They're all aliens in bed.
319
00:17:30,520 --> 00:17:33,960
His wife insists that
he's never actually left the bed.
320
00:17:34,000 --> 00:17:35,879
Oh, I could never
get mine up either.
321
00:17:35,880 --> 00:17:39,680
So, according to Eric,
which is unreliable in the extreme,
322
00:17:39,720 --> 00:17:42,719
the Planet Leyland runs
on a different time to ours.
323
00:17:42,720 --> 00:17:47,159
Oh, that's just like Gastric.
He still hasn't finished my boiler.
324
00:17:47,160 --> 00:17:51,319
So Mr Machin claims that the aliens
abduct him in their time
325
00:17:51,320 --> 00:17:54,519
but, in our time,
he's still in his bed.
326
00:17:54,520 --> 00:17:58,160
Does that mean he goes all the way
to another planet in his pyjamas?
327
00:18:01,840 --> 00:18:03,880
I thought it was cold in space.
328
00:18:03,920 --> 00:18:06,280
Well, I hope they give him
a space suit.
329
00:18:06,320 --> 00:18:10,120
I mean, he can't just go
in his pyjamas. Oh, I don't know.
330
00:18:10,160 --> 00:18:14,080
Mr Newbold's pyjamas
are thick enough for space travel.
331
00:18:14,120 --> 00:18:15,800
And if you're wondering how I know,
332
00:18:15,840 --> 00:18:18,240
I have been present on occasions
when he's been ironing them.
333
00:18:18,280 --> 00:18:22,200
And, er, have you ever been tempted
to iron a few creases out for him?
334
00:18:22,240 --> 00:18:25,760
Well, I don't regard respectable
widowhood a suitable platform
335
00:18:25,800 --> 00:18:28,600
for the handling
of gentlemen's pyjamas,
336
00:18:28,640 --> 00:18:31,040
even if they are thick enough
for space travel.
337
00:18:32,520 --> 00:18:35,599
I wonder why they only
abduct Mr Machin.
338
00:18:35,600 --> 00:18:37,440
They've never been interested
in our Eric.
339
00:18:37,480 --> 00:18:39,160
THEY LAUGH
340
00:18:40,840 --> 00:18:42,000
BELL RINGS
341
00:18:46,120 --> 00:18:48,600
How are you today, Mrs Rossi?
342
00:18:48,640 --> 00:18:52,399
Fragile. There's no cure.
343
00:18:52,400 --> 00:18:57,000
It comes from being abandoned
by an Italian.
344
00:18:57,040 --> 00:18:59,119
They like other women.
345
00:18:59,120 --> 00:19:02,520
Did nobody tell you
that Italian men like women?
346
00:19:02,560 --> 00:19:06,399
Yes, but I didn't think it
meant them all.
347
00:19:06,400 --> 00:19:09,319
It was beyond my experience.
348
00:19:09,320 --> 00:19:12,680
I captained the girls' hockey team.
349
00:19:12,720 --> 00:19:15,920
What kind of training is that
for tackling a Latin?
350
00:19:17,000 --> 00:19:19,200
What have you got
that's interesting?
351
00:19:19,240 --> 00:19:22,760
Well, nothing that comes close
to an Italian.
352
00:19:22,800 --> 00:19:24,600
You're right.
353
00:19:24,640 --> 00:19:27,719
He was almost worth it.
354
00:19:27,720 --> 00:19:29,239
Are these good?
355
00:19:29,240 --> 00:19:31,399
Oh, you won't find better.
356
00:19:31,400 --> 00:19:33,479
I'll take one.
357
00:19:33,480 --> 00:19:35,599
"Manky Beans"?
358
00:19:35,600 --> 00:19:37,879
Yes, it means...
359
00:19:37,880 --> 00:19:39,120
..delizioso.
360
00:19:40,400 --> 00:19:44,600
That's what I need, Granville.
Some delizioso.
361
00:19:45,640 --> 00:19:47,640
Then you'd better take two.
362
00:19:52,960 --> 00:19:55,319
I don't know which more unlikely -
363
00:19:55,320 --> 00:19:59,000
galactic travel or Manky Beans.
364
00:19:59,040 --> 00:20:02,839
Manky is classical
ancient Mongolian,
365
00:20:02,840 --> 00:20:05,120
meaning scrumptious.
366
00:20:07,560 --> 00:20:09,320
You've bought one, haven't you?
367
00:20:10,400 --> 00:20:11,600
You believed him.
368
00:20:13,280 --> 00:20:14,600
He's talked you into a tin.
369
00:20:15,800 --> 00:20:17,320
I like scrumptious.
370
00:20:19,160 --> 00:20:22,799
I had one briefly.
What do they taste like?
371
00:20:22,800 --> 00:20:24,760
Well, they're not too bad,
372
00:20:24,800 --> 00:20:27,279
if you like Mongolian.
373
00:20:27,280 --> 00:20:29,680
She's been feeding you Manky Beans?
374
00:20:29,720 --> 00:20:33,720
Gives you some idea where I stand in
the great flux of things.
375
00:20:33,760 --> 00:20:36,440
Me and Kath have had
our differences over the years,
376
00:20:36,480 --> 00:20:38,360
but she'd never feed me Manky Beans.
377
00:20:39,480 --> 00:20:41,880
I've got some questions for him.
Hey...
378
00:20:43,120 --> 00:20:45,479
So you believe in Planet Leyland?
379
00:20:45,480 --> 00:20:47,160
Well, not exactly.
380
00:20:47,200 --> 00:20:50,200
But if Mrs Featherstone
becomes any more domineering...
381
00:20:51,600 --> 00:20:52,840
..I'd like the address.
382
00:21:03,240 --> 00:21:04,600
It were only one tin.
383
00:21:15,880 --> 00:21:18,080
Tin signing?
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh...
384
00:21:18,120 --> 00:21:20,079
You're supposed to sign books.
385
00:21:20,080 --> 00:21:22,680
It's Granville -
he's ahead of the game.
386
00:21:22,720 --> 00:21:24,320
Why are we whispering?
387
00:21:24,360 --> 00:21:25,760
We're not exactly whispering,
388
00:21:25,800 --> 00:21:29,240
just taking advantage of a quiet
moment before the rush begins.
389
00:21:29,280 --> 00:21:31,919
Oh. So, er...
390
00:21:31,920 --> 00:21:34,280
..you wouldn't be trying to get me
into an empty tent?
391
00:21:34,320 --> 00:21:37,320
Oh, now, why didn't I think of that?
392
00:21:37,360 --> 00:21:40,119
Come on,
we never get five minutes alone,
393
00:21:40,120 --> 00:21:42,839
we're either in the library
or coffee shop or with a crowd.
394
00:21:42,840 --> 00:21:44,240
We've never been with a crowd.
395
00:21:44,280 --> 00:21:45,680
Ruby is a crowd.
396
00:21:45,720 --> 00:21:48,280
Ooh, what's that?
397
00:21:48,320 --> 00:21:51,399
Yeah, come on, let's get you inside,
I think it's going to rain.
398
00:21:51,400 --> 00:21:54,240
What makes you think it's
going to rain? Trust me, instinct.
399
00:22:00,720 --> 00:22:02,920
Hello, Beth. Hello, Mavis.
400
00:22:04,680 --> 00:22:06,160
Who's minding the shop?
401
00:22:06,200 --> 00:22:07,959
I could ask you that.
BELL RINGS
402
00:22:07,960 --> 00:22:11,759
That was the shop bell,
my ears are tuned to the shop bell.
403
00:22:11,760 --> 00:22:14,560
We were just looking
for the best place to sign a tin.
404
00:22:15,560 --> 00:22:20,279
Yes. Come along, Mavis. Thank you.
Thank you. All right.
405
00:22:20,280 --> 00:22:22,720
Don't trust him. Get inside!
406
00:22:25,760 --> 00:22:27,960
He's as bad as you are.
407
00:22:28,000 --> 00:22:30,520
No, come on,
me and him work long hours,
408
00:22:30,560 --> 00:22:32,640
you've got to snatch
every moment you can, I...
409
00:22:32,680 --> 00:22:33,800
Come on, Beth...
410
00:22:36,480 --> 00:22:38,280
Oh, that's why
I haven't seen you.
411
00:22:43,080 --> 00:22:45,360
Another moment you snatched?
412
00:22:45,400 --> 00:22:48,000
She was in my class
for conversational Spanish.
413
00:22:48,040 --> 00:22:49,040
Ole!
414
00:22:50,200 --> 00:22:52,280
No, come on...
415
00:22:52,320 --> 00:22:55,120
What do you mean he can't come?
416
00:22:55,160 --> 00:22:56,960
He's lost his nerve.
417
00:22:57,000 --> 00:22:59,320
He's had to go to the bus museum,
418
00:22:59,360 --> 00:23:02,920
there's an old double decker
he likes to talk to.
419
00:23:02,960 --> 00:23:05,520
They've been friends for years.
420
00:23:05,560 --> 00:23:07,199
Oh!
421
00:23:07,200 --> 00:23:11,760
But Leroy's out there advertising,
I mean, it's all arranged.
422
00:23:11,800 --> 00:23:13,200
I'm sorry.
423
00:23:16,480 --> 00:23:18,480
Oh...
424
00:23:18,520 --> 00:23:23,520
Well, where am I going to find
another space traveller
425
00:23:29,680 --> 00:23:31,839
Hello, Gastric. Eh?
426
00:23:31,840 --> 00:23:34,719
You're very handy
with your tools, aren't you?
427
00:23:34,720 --> 00:23:36,760
I wonder if you could
make me something
428
00:23:36,800 --> 00:23:39,600
that looks like a space suit?
429
00:23:39,640 --> 00:23:41,240
What size?
430
00:23:41,280 --> 00:23:44,240
Oh, I don't know. About your size?
431
00:23:46,560 --> 00:23:51,600
Get your tin hand signed.
Meet the space traveller.
432
00:23:52,080 --> 00:23:54,840
Hear the wonders in Planet Leyland.
433
00:23:54,880 --> 00:23:57,280
Only at Arkwright's.
434
00:24:00,200 --> 00:24:02,199
Looking good, Beth.
435
00:24:02,200 --> 00:24:03,919
Shut that thing off.
436
00:24:03,920 --> 00:24:05,240
When can I see you?
437
00:24:06,640 --> 00:24:07,840
Can I give you a lift?
438
00:24:09,280 --> 00:24:12,360
You didn't like the Chinese thing -
I thought you'd like this better.
439
00:24:16,120 --> 00:24:19,479
The person walking away
is called Beth.
440
00:24:19,480 --> 00:24:21,640
She's involved with the wrong man.
441
00:24:21,680 --> 00:24:25,720
Please raise your hand if you think
she should pay more attention to me,
442
00:24:25,760 --> 00:24:30,559
an honest, hard-working,
better-looking alternative.
443
00:24:30,560 --> 00:24:33,560
What are you...?!
THUD THEN FEEDBACK
444
00:24:49,200 --> 00:24:52,080
Nice queue forming out there.
445
00:24:52,120 --> 00:24:55,360
How long's this going to take?
Well, that's up to you, isn't it?
446
00:24:55,400 --> 00:24:59,560
You know, rush them through, couple
of questions, sign their tins,
447
00:24:59,600 --> 00:25:00,879
move them on.
448
00:25:00,880 --> 00:25:02,680
What kind of questions?
449
00:25:02,720 --> 00:25:05,720
Well, all about
your space adventures
450
00:25:05,760 --> 00:25:09,199
and what life is like
on Planet Leyland.
451
00:25:09,200 --> 00:25:10,800
I can see a snag here.
452
00:25:10,840 --> 00:25:13,440
No, just relax,
you'll be all right, just relax.
453
00:25:13,480 --> 00:25:15,480
I'd relax better
if I'd fixed Madge's boiler.
454
00:25:15,520 --> 00:25:19,239
All right, well, look, the sooner
that you sign all of those tins,
455
00:25:19,240 --> 00:25:21,880
the sooner you can get back
to Madge's boiler.
456
00:25:21,920 --> 00:25:26,879
Right. Now, listen, what I want you
to do is a spacewalk,
457
00:25:26,880 --> 00:25:30,439
cos they all do this space walk,
don't they?
458
00:25:30,440 --> 00:25:33,560
That's on the moon. Not...
459
00:25:33,600 --> 00:25:35,600
They walk normal here on earth.
460
00:25:36,840 --> 00:25:39,759
This is showbiz, luvvy.
461
00:25:39,760 --> 00:25:44,679
I want the Manky Bean buyers to get
their full money's worth, hmm?
462
00:25:44,680 --> 00:25:46,960
Huh, there's a novelty.
463
00:25:47,000 --> 00:25:48,840
Listen... Excuse me, excuse me.
464
00:25:51,080 --> 00:25:55,720
..I want them to think he's just
come back from space, right?
465
00:25:55,760 --> 00:26:00,439
So he hasn't had time
to get rid of his spacewalk.
466
00:26:00,440 --> 00:26:03,840
Authentic, you see,
only at Arkwright's.
467
00:26:03,880 --> 00:26:08,840
Right, er, Gastric,
let us see your spacewalk.
468
00:26:23,960 --> 00:26:25,080
What are you doing?
469
00:26:25,120 --> 00:26:26,320
A moonwalk.
470
00:26:27,400 --> 00:26:29,000
Oh!
471
00:26:29,040 --> 00:26:31,440
Look, there's not enough room
in here, is there?
472
00:26:31,480 --> 00:26:35,280
Why don't you get the rest of
your kit on and we'll go outside?
473
00:26:41,240 --> 00:26:43,840
Right, it's all clear, come on.
474
00:26:47,040 --> 00:26:49,120
You're on - Planet Leyland.
475
00:26:50,840 --> 00:26:54,200
MUSIC: Also Sprach Zarathustra
by Richard Strauss
476
00:27:16,440 --> 00:27:21,440
Oh, that's fantastic.
I've never seen a better spacewalk.
477
00:27:21,520 --> 00:27:24,279
Oh-ho, they're going to love you.
478
00:27:24,280 --> 00:27:25,680
Where is he?
479
00:27:25,720 --> 00:27:27,120
Houston, we have a problem.
480
00:27:28,920 --> 00:27:30,560
Is he in there?
481
00:27:32,680 --> 00:27:35,040
What are you doing in there?
482
00:27:35,080 --> 00:27:36,920
What about my boiler?
483
00:27:51,320 --> 00:27:55,559
VOICEOVER: Oh, it's been
a wearying sort of day,
484
00:27:55,560 --> 00:27:58,600
especially wearing that space suit.
485
00:27:58,640 --> 00:28:02,240
I must have signed
six dozen tins of Manky Beans.
486
00:28:05,760 --> 00:28:09,360
Ooh, they asked
some tricky questions.
487
00:28:13,440 --> 00:28:15,840
"How do they make love
on Planet Leyland?"
488
00:28:18,560 --> 00:28:21,120
Well, same as on Planet Earth,
489
00:28:21,160 --> 00:28:24,040
except you have to ring a bell
when it comes to your stop.
36866
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