Original subtitles

♪ Mal Blum's Things Left to Say playing ♪

♪

♪

♪ Another year already ♪

♪ How you hoped that it would come ♪

♪ All the days and weeks unfolding ♪

♪ As we buttoned up our coats ♪

♪ And headed home but what's a home? ♪

♪ Another place you never go ♪

♪ Another space nobody knows ♪

♪ The things you do when you're alone ♪

♪ And I'm alone and you're alone again this year ♪

♪ I'm alone and you're alone again this year ♪

♪ There are things still left to say ♪

♪ I've got phrases, I've got phrases ♪

♪ There are things still left to say ♪

♪ I've got phrases, I've got phrases ♪

[rattling]

[spray hissing]

♪ Anyway ♪

♪ Do you miss me when I'm not around ♪

♪ 'Cause you don't see me when I'm here ♪

♪ I'm like a ghost of myself already ♪

♪ If I could I would disappear ♪

♪ But I'm still here and you're still here ♪

♪ We're all still here ♪

♪ There are things still left to say ♪

♪ I've got phrases, I've got phrases ♪

♪ There are things still left to say ♪

♪ I've got phrases, I've got phrases ♪

♪ You're afraid ♪

[shutter clicks]

♪ What are you afraid of? ♪

♪ Anyway ♪

[notifications chiming]

[notification chiming]

PAIGE: Art is supposed to be subjective,

but KingPun's art is subjectively good.

While mine is

objectively struggling,

and at the worst time possible.

Right now, I need to be on my A-game

to get into the CalArt Summer Program,

AKA my dream school.

"Through your medium of choice, show us your happiest moment."

Are you fucking kidding me?

What a vague bullshit prompt.

A vague bullshit prompt

that will determine if I have a shot in hell at getting

into one of the most competitive schools in the country.

Which will determine if I have a future in art at all.

No pressure though.

So how do I answer this impossible question?

Huh? What if my happiest moment was when I came out to my mom.

YOUNG PAIGE: Okay.

Now turn it to the right.

Also I think I'm gay.

Actually, I know I am. [Thud]

Ow! Barbara from next door is gay.

Okay?

Sorry my first instinct was to name other gay people we know.

Honey, I'm so happy for you!

PAIGE: She's always been supportive.

ANGIE: Paige. Paige! Come on.

No edibles before school, we've talked about this.

Dillon's almost here. You're gonna be late.

What if I just skipped the rest of junior year

and went right to CalArts?

Well, you could, but then you wouldn't get

a lot of cool free swag from me.

I'm already scared.

I can't wait. Look.

Glow in the dark dental dams.

They make your puss kind of glow. It's so pretty.

- It's just a soft glow. - Mom...

When I was a teenager,

we used to use glow in the dark condoms.

It really added a touch of whimsy to an otherwise fraught situation.

We don't use those.

We! Finally.

Oh my gosh, Paige.

Is it Colleen from next door?

Because she's so tall. I like that. Statuesque.

It's not anybody because we, the queer community,

we don't use those.

- So just vibrators? - Isn't that a little limiting?

- Probably. - Okay.

I'm gonna put them here

because I feel like you're gonna change your mind,

but if not, let me know because I have the receipt.

PAIGE: Okay, maybe she's a little too supportive.

[horn honking] BOY: Hey!

PAIGE: And that would be my best friend, Dillon.

He's kind of like my platonic soul mate.

I've always been able to share anything with him.

Actually, maybe that was my happiest moment.

So... I like girls.

Me too.

PAIGE: I still share everything with him. Even a Spotify account.

Hey, yo, Spotify informed me

you listened to Phoebe Bridgers for eight hours straight last night,

which is concerning 'cause she only has two albums.

Are you okay?

Sad lesbian music is an integral part of my identity.

So I'm assuming that the application is not going well.

Just can't figure out what to send in.

I know that colleges love a good coming out story.

- Please don't do that. - You'd be like the billionth gay person to.

How about you draw my presidential portrait?

Hmm.

- It's a cute idea, Dillon. - It's good, isn't it?

But your political ambitions, they aren't my happiest moment.

You know what I mean?

You think that your crush on Gabriela Campos is CalArt worthy?

What?

Unrequited love is the source of a lot of great art.

And there's nothing more unrequited

than my crush on Gabriela Campos.

That's not Gabby.

That's her sister, AJ.

Alright, kids, time for this week's take home project.

Find a partner.

Wanna be my partner?

PAIGE: That is Gabby.

Sure.

TEACHER: Now I wanna see you share responsibilities

like real parents would.

What should we name it?

How about Lentil?

Lentil the egg.

So dumb.

I love it.

Hi, Lentil.

Your moms love you very much.

PAIGE: She's kind of the first girl who made me feel

like life could be as good as art.

You know?

[snaps fingers]

DILLON: No.

I'm not gonna let you spend all of high school pining over some girl

who doesn't give you the time of day.

You know I don't like to assert my power as class president,

but I'm going to have to if this keeps up.

Stacey is going to win.

Also, you do know that as class president,

you don't have any actual power, right?

That is a sad way to look at democracy.

[school bell rings]

♪ Got a big boy bag, got a big boy drip ♪

♪ Make a li'I girl sad 'cause a big boy rich ♪

♪ Big boy pants 'cause my pockets is thick ♪

♪ Hello Kitty keychain hang straight from my hip ♪

♪ Got a big boy bag, got a big boy drip ♪

PAIGE: Alright.

Holy shit.

You like?

"Save water, shower together."

Hmm. That looks so hot.

And Stacey's also really hot.

Great job with these, by the way.

Thank you.

Though I do feel like you spent a little bit more time on Stacey's.

- Nope. Mm-mm. - I told you guys I'm Switzerland.

Oh. Shit, they are also a little bit wet.

Thanks for telling me that after I pick it up.

And yeah, I just close the.

- PAIGE: Okay. - No.

Coño. Ay.

Anyway, as I was saying, as your future class president,

I think it's time for you to move on from Gabriela.

It's too predictable to go for the most popular girl in school.

Great. Right on cue.

♪ All of dem I want it all, gimme all of dat ♪

♪ All of dem Gimme gimme gimme all of dem ♪

♪ All of dem I want it all, gimme all of dat ♪

♪ All of dem Gimme gimme gimme all of dem ♪

- Is she in slow motion again? - Yeah.

- Music playing in the background? - Mm-hmm.

- Funny feeling down there? - Naturally.

You are a lost cause.

[speaks Spanish]

GIRL: Heads up!

- My bad. - Yeah.

Let's go. Vamos.

Yeah, ah ah. Ah ah ah ah.

Shut the hell up.

Starting the week strong with a new KingPun mural.

You know everyone still thinks it's you, right?

Well, little do they know,

my raging anxiety would never let me deface school property.

Whoa, could you please not waste water

and undermine my political platform?

Thank you.

BOY: Oh, KingPun did it again! Check it out!

PAIGE: Kind of think that this one's good.

I think it's kind of corny.

Well, I think that you can't draw for shit.

And I think that they're actually talented.

- Oh, you're so funny. - [whistle blows]

Okay, everyone, away from the vandalization.

Oh god. Here we go.

If any of you have any information

as my mother used to say,

"Snitches get riches."

DILLON: Have you ever seen him smile?

Once. At a fire drill.

He loved the chaos of it.

Hey, nice mural, Paige.

PAIGE: Tim. Ugh.

I love this little bit that we've got going,

but it's not me.

Oh. Sure, Paige.

Sure, Tim.

No, it's, it's definitely her.

TIM: Doy.

Hey, KingPun thinks she's not KingPun.

[laughter]

[school bell ringing]

DILLON: KingPun is who you should date.

Unless it's a dude or unless it's you.

'Cause then you'd just be dating yourself, and that would be weird.

Hmm.

You have no idea how hard it is out here

for your everyday gay, Dillon.

Stop making excuses.

You've been in a relationship since the first day of middle school.

Also, this semester, I'm gonna make my move.

Oh yeah? Name one time that you've made a move.

Oh, there was that server at Cheesecake Factory

that gave me extra brown bread.

It was her job.

It was sexual. Hey, Stacey.

Hey.

Did you turn your class president app in yet?

You know I love some competition.

Oh, you know I haven't missed a deadline since the fifth grade.

And that was only because I had severe chicken pox.

It was the worst case I'd ever seen.

[both moan]

How is this allowed in school?

[Stacey moans]

God, I love when you're the best at things.

Oh yeah?

You guys are so straight, it's almost gay.

[both moan]

Do you guys wanna come over after school

and take edibles and watch Shrek?

So you could convince yourself that a CBD dog treat made you high again?

Yeah. No, thank you.

Plus, after school we can't, we have track tryouts.

Ugh. Why would you sweat when you don't have to?

Well, you know, Paige, some people actually enjoy physical activity.

Shocking, I know.

Will you help me make more of these? PAIGE: Sure.

And me some of these.

The impending water wars depend on my win.

STACEY: Note that I took the high road while taking down the establishment.

DILLON: That is so...

[indiscernible chatter]

DILLON: No... Oh no. Okay, no, no.

No, no, no, no. Okay, no.

There are plenty of other queer options

for you to date at this school.

- Please. - Like who?

Yeah. Paige, what about Chantal?

I mean, she's like a cool Wiccan lesbian.

Hell no. She's tried to put a love spell on me at least six times.

If I'm gonna date a witch, she has to be a talented one.

Okay. True. True. True.

How about, oh, how about Erin Billings?

No, she's a horse gay.

Alright? That's a little reductive.

Stacey's just mad

because she spent the summer at an equestrian camp.

What about Aya?

PAIGE: No way, dude.

I definitely don't have enough followers to date them.

Plus they're on and off with Gabby every other week.

- Yeah. - True.

Hey, what about Amy?

PAIGE: Amy? Yeah, right. Gateway gay.

She's fingered every girl in the school.

DILLON: So what?

- I'm sure she's washed her hands. - Yeah.

Wait, no. What about AJ?

Why would I ever do that? That's literally Gabby's sister.

Also, is she even queer?

DILLON: Yeah. She's bi.

And she's mysterious as hell.

Yeah. AJ actually came out way before Gabs,

but Gabs just dates more,

so everybody forgets that AJ's queer too.

Talk about bi erasure.

- STACEY: Gabby! - Hey, miss president.

- Hey! - Excuse you.

Anyway, question.

Do you have the sign-up sheets for track tryouts today?

- I sure do. - Let me get that for you.

Hey.

[awkward laugh]

Here you are.

Thank you.

Oh, Gabby, you know Paige, right?

Um, yeah.

Your locker is a site for sore eyes.

Um, thanks.

Are you coming out today?

I've actually, I've been out for a really long time.

I'm extremely gay.

Oh, I was actually talking about track tryouts, but...

Right.

Yeah. I'm gonna see you there. I'm gonna, I'm gonna go on track.

[Dillon snickers]

Yeah, right. The last time Paige ran, she was fleeing from a bee.

It was hilarious.

STACEY: It's on YouTube.

I watch it whenever I'm depressed.

- [sarcastic laugh] - No, it's not.

Well, I should run, but maybe I'll see you later.

Bye, Gabby.

- Bye, Gabby. - So long.

Vote for Dillon, babe!

No. She's not gonna vote for you, honey.

Stop staring without consent please.

It's horrifying.

Really? You? Track tryouts?

Yeah. Yeah, that's, that's it.

That's how we're gonna fall in love.

I think you and Gabriela would be disgustingly cute together.

And I think that if it were going to happen,

it would've happened already.

You can't force these things.

STACEY: Babe, I love you, but you're so wrong.

PAIGE: How many copies do you guys need?

DILLON: One thousand. STACEY: Two thousand.

DILLON: Three thousand. STACEY: Four thousand.

- Five thousand. - Six...

- MURRAY: Gotcha! - Ahh!

Evans, I knew it was you. Principal's office now.

Go.

Oh, crap. I forgot my cleats.

Uh, can you help me?

Turn off the light.

Shut the door.

Yeah. Okay, actually leave it open.

I assume you know why you're here?

Am I in trouble or something?

We are so done with your games now, Evans.

Okay. Take it down, Dexter Morgan.

You're not a detective, and this is not a cop show.

Paige,

we know that you are KingPun.

Okay. And it's not that the artwork isn't great,

it's really good,

but all the pictures and then painting all over the school last semester.

And not to mention a new mural every week.

That's not true.

- MURRAY: Oh, you know it's true. - Sorry.

Come on.

- The school board is not happy. - Mm-hmm.

And plus all the kids are tagging you every week

in some KingPun art.

Goddammit, Tim.

You guys, I swear on my life, it's not me.

[scoffs]

Bet you wish you would've invested in that lie detector now, right?

No. No, I actually don't.

- Why? - COLLINS: And I'm really tired of you

bringing it up all the time.

'Cause we had to take care of something called asbestos, alright?

Listen.

I'm sorry, kiddo, but I have to lead by example.

- So I'm gonna have to suspend you. - Call the police.

No, we are not calling the police.

What are you, Wyclef Jean? Ready to call 911?

Do you get that reference? You don't.

God, my references are like older than Taylor swift at this point.

Listen, you're suspended.

I called your mom, and she's on her way to pick you up.

You can't suspend me for something

that I, I literally did not do.

Yeah, we can.

No, we cannot.

But you're the only student with the keys to the art room.

Well, I was gonna give these back today.

Oh. Well, you got blood on your hands.

It's paint.

- O-obviously, I know that. - It's a metaphor.

Well, I'm not metaphoric.

It's acrylic paint, and those things are spray paint.

Let's jot down that Ms. Evans seems to have

an intimate understanding of the weapon of her choice.

- No one's jotting down anything. - Just jot it down. Just...

No, don't tell me what to...

- This is my... - You guys, please hear me out.

I'm applying to a summer program at CalArts,

and this is gonna ruin my chances of getting in.

I'm sorry, Paige.

But I looked at your records, and you were absent

eight times last semester.

Not to mention you're not even part of one extracurricular activity.

You're not the model student I can fight for.

I play, I play, I play track.

Hmm... not on my team, you don't.

Well, I just joined today.

I'm extremely cooperative with this type of stuff.

So can't this count as a plea deal or something.

Oh, impressive use of legal jargon.

But you don't play track, you run track.

Hear me out.

How about I join track,

Coach Murray keeps his eye on me,

and I figure out in the meantime who KingPun actually is.

- Paige. I really like you. - I do.

Actually, that's a lie. I don't even know you.

I hate myself that I have to say that, but the evidence is stacked against you.

And I don't understand how playing track is supposed to help

your case right now.

[clears throat]

[whispering] Actually, I do need another couple people on the track team.

- You need people on the track team? - I need some more people.

Are you saying you wanna take her?

She just said, "Play track." Like she's a DJ or something.

She doesn't even know how to run track.

How are you supposed to make that Usain Bolt?

You can't.

[whispering] I could use a couple more bodies on the team.

I am exhausted.

Okay, Paige, you are no longer suspended.

You are just on probation. Okay?

If you can come up with a name who you think KingPun really is,

because apparently it's not you,

by the end of the semester,

then I'll take it to the board meeting.

- Well, I will deliver. - Thank you.

I can't wait.

Great, get out!

I have a Renaissance club meeting that I'm not about to miss.

You too! Take your little swimming board with you.

God.

- [door closes] - Oh, It's like no moment to myself.

I wish there was more money for federal funding

'cause I'll tell you what, this ain't it.

Thank you so much.

- Don't thank me yet. - I'm watching you.

Oh. Hey, clipboard.

I left a patient with a full bed pan for this.

You are not suspending my daughter.

- She did nothing wrong. - We're not suspending her.

A... Hmm?

I made a deal.

You have a very savvy daughter, Mrs...

Mrs. Mm-hmm.

That's very revealing.

It's miss.

But you can call me Angie or Ang or "Hey, girl."

You know, I am a single mother by choice.

Not by circumstance.

I like to have sex with men. I don't even have to have a relationship.

Hmm. What do you think of that?

Well, hey, girl, if you don't mind me saying,

you have an incredible figure.

Oh my god.

We are in a school, sir.

That is so wildly inappropriate.

I'm sorry. Uh...

And 100 percent spot on.

This is gold.

You should see me naked.

Well, I'd say I'm sorry that you had to drive out here for nothing,

but I'd be lying if I said it wasn't nice to meet you.

I can't believe this guy.

And, uh... if you do come to Paige's track meet,

don't be afraid to say, hello.

I'm not afraid of anything.

It's you who should be afraid.

[groans]

Wow.

- Track. That's fucked up. - Yeah.

The deal just didn't work out that great for me,

but it did for you.

- So... - Yeah. It really did.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Is he in the school directory?

[grunts]

♪

[grunts]

PAIGE: Basically, if I don't find KingPun, then my life is over.

On the plus side, you totally fit in here.

[both chuckle]

I feel like I look like a very specific type of gay right now.

Do I at least look like a top?

Total bottom.

Maybe a power bottom?

Like you call her daddy and she calls you her sweet little prince.

Mm-hmm.

[whistle blows]

Okay! Listen up!

Come on, come on in here!

Let's go! Gather round!

Listen up!

Returning athletes!

I'm gonna be looking to make sure that you kept your training up

during the off season.

Alright?

Now you newcomers,

our co-captains, AJ and Gabby here,

will be helping place you in an event.

- Woo. - Okay. Got this.

For Evans over there,

just try to find the thing that she sucks at the least.

[laughter] Alright?

Don't you wanna at least see me try out

before you think that I suck?

No. Okay!

Back to it! Let's go!

Let's go! GIRL: Can you get my water?

- She's coming. - She's coming. She's coming.

Hi, you made it.

I'll be sure to let you know if I see any angry bees around.

[laughter]

Did you know that male bees lose their penises

when they have sex with the queen bee?

Uh, no, we didn't,

but now we sure do, right?

- Yeah. - Yeah, we should get started.

Don't worry. You're gonna be great.

♪ Gengahr's Heavenly Maybe playing ♪

♪

[grunts]

♪

♪ It made no difference now given my own advice ♪

♪ No better when you're breaking it down ♪

♪ Into a river unsettled by our demise ♪

[Paige panting]

[grunts]

♪ Tell me who's triggering now? ♪

♪ Did anyone see that? ♪

♪ Did anyone see what I saw? ♪

♪ Help me out ♪

♪ On and on and on ♪

[whistle blows]

♪ Subliminal that's what I thought ♪

♪ Greater now ♪

♪ On and on and on ♪

Holy shit!

Are you fucking kidding me?

♪ To mellow you out ♪

[grunts]

- Thanks. - Yep.

♪ To mellow you out ♪

♪ Slow down ♪

♪ You said yourself ♪

♪ It's coming back ♪

♪ But where are you now? ♪

No.

[clatters]

GABBY: I have an idea.

How do you feel about running in a straight line?

That's the only straight thing I can do.

BOTH: Okay.

I regretted it the second that it left my mouth.

You mean adding her to the four by one?

Do you have a better idea?

MURRAY: Alright. Here we go.

On your mark. Get set.

No. No, down.

BOY: KingPun, let's get it.

Go! Come on! Come on, Paige!

Come on!

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[panting]

I am the fastest woman alive.

That was mediocre at best.

Yeah, I took an Instagram story, and it went over the time limit.

- Damn. - But you did it.

With a little work, maybe you could be fine.

She's four seconds behind where she needs to be.

Well, maybe I need someone great to teach me after school.

[scoffs]

Alright. That's not a terrible idea.

Uh, AJ.

You're gonna train Paige.

Okay?

Isn't that literally your job as coach?

No, my job as coach is to motivate through fear.

Besides, I don't get paid enough to stay after school.

Come on. I'm watching you, Evans.

Welcome to the team.

Alright, KingPun.

PAIGE: I'm not KingPun.

Your shorts are on backwards.

PAIGE: What?

DILLON: Can you hurry up, Angie? I'm starving.

ANGIE: You're not the boss of me.

DILLON: You knew we were gonna be home. Why wasn't the food ready?

- Today was great. - I almost killed somebody with a javelin.

It's true.

And then it was nearly death by hurdle.

Also very true.

And I embarrassed myself in front of Gabriela.

Just because Paige's sex life is in a drought

doesn't mean the rest of the world has to be.

Come on, Angie, we've talked about this.

So strict.

Sometimes I think fondly back on to this morning

when my life was completely normal.

Now I have to solve a mystery,

make Gabby fall in love with me,

figure out how to make the perfect thing for CalArts,

and figure out how to put a tampon in

without the end always sticking out a little bit.

Yeah, you know, I never mastered that either.

Oh, but you know what? On the bright side,

true artists are never afraid to step out of their comfort zones, so...

Speaking of stepping out of your comfort zones,

are you going to Stacey's party on Friday?

What party?

Are you kidding me?

Paige, I've told you this a billion times.

It'd be, like, a good opportunity for you

to act like a normal teenager for once.

- She doesn't wanna be normal. - Nobody wants to be normal.

That's why I'm cool.

Alright. Let me tell you a little story.

When I was a teenager,

I went to this rager, and I ended up in the back of a van

with the lead singer of an Aerosmith cover band.

And in retrospect,

I definitely should have held out for the real thing. [Phone chimes]

I mean, think about it,

Steven Tyler. I would've never had to buy another scarf.

Dillon, I totally wasn't thinking.

This party is the perfect place to investigate.

KingPun will definitely be going

and, well, let's just say that they will rue the day

that they let me take the fall for them.

I know that's right.

Okay.

I'm gonna need you to relax.

You're starting to scare me.

- [gasps] - Oh my god. I totally forgot.

Pardon me.

Paige, I took the liberty of washing your sex toy.

By the way, this is very small.

I could totally get lost up there.

So you might wanna think about, you know, my moving on up.

I can help.

Well, that's an eraser, so that's not gonna go up there.

Anything's possible.

Think about me and my electric toothbrush.

And it's not the end you would think either.

Okay. Well, we don't have everything in common.

And I'm gonna go in my room. DILLON: Yeah.

I'm gonna throw up. That's really disgusting.

No, you're disgusting.

This is a sex positive house, Paige.

Shame does not live here.

[people chattering]

Hey.

GIRL: Thanks for having us.

[Dillon sighs]

Thought I smelled ambition.

You look so beautiful.

Paige, I cannot believe we finally got you to a high school party.

Now let's see if you survive it.

♪ Party music playing ♪

♪

BOY: Bombs away.

PEOPLE: [chanting] Chug! Chug! Chug!

DILLON: Welcome to the high school experience.

It smells better than I expected.

I lit candles.

First order of business, time to get you drunk.

Like, if you don't throw up by the end of the night,

then I didn't do my job.

I still can't believe this is the first of my parties you've been to, Paige.

That's because Paige Evans is too cool for high school parties.

Cool is one word for it.

I just have a general distaste for sticky floors,

communal chip bowls, and whatever that is.

That, my friend, is the type of sociological research

you can't find in any textbook.

He's right.

My future constituents may act slightly moronic,

but they know how to have fun.

- Your future constituents, huh? - Oh please.

You know I'm gonna kick your ass.

There's no way they won't vote for my anti-authority platform.

It's like taking candy from a politically informed baby.

You wanna go upstairs and practice your campaign speech on me?

- Work on our inflection? - Show me those pointed hand movements.

Why do you guys even bother with innuendo.

Later, Paige.

Oh yeah, guys, just leave me alone

while I try and figure out who framed me?

- Oh. - Paige.

- Oh my god. - Hi.

I didn't see you there.

- Must be the masking spell. - What?

- How have you been? - Feeling any different lately?

Any lustful urges? Deep magnetic pulls?

- Mm-mm. - To anything? Anyone?

- Excuse me. - AJ.

There you are.

Hi.

We should go talk about track.

- I don't think so. - CHANTAL: Did the virgin blood expire?

That can't be, that was fresh.

Okay, yeah, we can talk about track.

It's supposed to get stronger with age.

Like, it's like fine wine.

- Hi. - Hi.

Okay. I wasn't gonna get all Salem witch trials

and point fingers here, but I know that she put a curse on me.

I mean, she did steal some of my hair back in freshman year,

so I believe it.

[sighs]

So track, why?

I thought you were more interested in art.

Oh, trust me. I am.

But lucky for me,

Principal Collins decided that I'm KingPun.

So I have to figure out who KingPun is.

Otherwise, I'm going to get suspended.

That's so dumb.

Yeah.

That art is harmless.

I know. It's also pretty good.

Do you have any leads?

- I know that they're here. - That's about it.

I'm just gonna poke around until somebody cracks.

So you're gonna interrogate a bunch of drunk teens.

Seems pretty easy.

Well, you say that, but it could be anybody.

It could be you.

Do I look whimsical enough for puns?

Okay. Well, you do have an intimidating,

no bullshit,

striped shirt vibe going.

So I guess not.

Thank you.

Which would make you the perfect bad cop

to my good cop.

Excuse me?

- Follow me. - Oh.

[people chattering] [cheering]

- Hi, Erin. - Hi.

- Where were you at 6:00 a. M. - On the morning of the 14th.

We get Tybalt groomed on Sundays.

Tybalt. My horse. Do you wanna see a photo?

Oh, my phone is dead.

- Yeah. No, never, never mind. - Thank you.

[steam hissing] [bubbling]

How close is the nearest Michael's art supply from your house?

[coughs] Who's Michael?

- Can I have a hit? - Me too?

- [phone chimes] - You have a secret Instagram, right?

Yeah, but you can't afford to follow it.

[chuckles] Sorry.

Can you guys shine your lights on me?

BOY: Alright, man, you ready?

AYA: Thank you.

[gulping]

AJ: Tim. [Shudders]

What do you think of KingPun?

Oh, Paige here?

Aren't your parents both artists, Tim?

Isn't your mom a nurse.

Your point?

I haven't seen you save anyone's life.

He's got a good point.

You're supposed to be on my side.

Right.

Chantal, would you consider yourself an artist?

I mean, every witch is an artist in their own way.

But, I mean, yeah. I post to Tumblr all the time.

That's mostly just like Buffy, Faith,

the brothers from Supernatural sixty-nining.

So, normal.

Well, what art tools do you use?

I mean, I kind of dabble in everything.

Illustrator, oil paints, menstrual blood.

Oh. Oh no.

Yeah. Okay. Bye.

STACEY: Get political.

DILLON: Mm-hmm. You wanna get political?

Oh yeah? You wanna...

Oh my fucking god.

Oh fuck.

- Oh, hi, Paige. - Hey.

Much bad things as possible...

Cover AOC's eyes, she doesn't deserve to see this.

- Okay. - Come on!

- That was easy. - Bye.

[door closes]

So, her house is huge.

It just keeps going, I know.

They probably fuck in every room.

- Those two are... - Are disturbingly cute

in a kind of kinky way?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

[both laugh]

Can't believe Chantal is our best lead right now.

I mean, it kind of makes sense.

I-I've seen her drawing in class a few times.

- What? Really? - Mm.

Paige, AJ.

♪ Romantic music plays ♪

♪

Oh my god, we need to take shots, like, right now.

For Paige joining the track team.

Yeah, go ahead. I'm gonna pee.

Okay. Let's go.

Okay.

♪ Hip-hop music playing ♪

♪

♪

Oh. Oh. Okay.

[glasses clink] GABBY: To joining track!

To... sports!

Bet our mouth stinks the same right now.

What?

I just got something stuck in my throat.

- Another shot will fix that. - Yeah,

it always does.

♪ Party music continues ♪

♪

[glasses clink]

♪

[cheering]

GIRL: Yeah.

♪

♪

♪ Everybody's got a little secret ♪

♪ Maybe I'll tell you mine ♪

♪ Bring yourself just a little bit closer ♪

♪ A stranger in the night ♪

♪ Something good can be hard to swallow ♪

♪ The simple paradise ♪

♪ Slow down if you want to be my lover ♪

♪ New touch in the moonlight ♪

♪ Oh oh oh oh oh ♪

I'm so wasted.

Oh my god, I'm so glad that you joined track.

I feel like I never see you outside of class.

I know.

You're a Gemini, right?

I'm a Pisces.

Who says that complicated can't work.

- What? - I said I love track.

GIRL: Gabby, come dance with us.

GABBY: Bye!

Are we at the sad drunk phase in the night, huh?

Dillon. Dillon. Dill Pickle.

- You wanna go home? - You'll be better. Yes.

Your drunk ass has a training with AJ tomorrow.

- Oh shit. - Right. Yeah.

[sing-songy] Mr. President...

Wow. Thank you so much for calling me Mr. President.

- You're welcome. - Okay, let's go.

[clears throat]

[indiscernible]

Bye, bad cop.

- Bye. I'll see you tomorrow. - Drink some Gatorade.

[whispering] Sports juice.

I like boobs, you know what I'm saying?

PAIGE: Tim, I see what you're doing.

Evidence.

Evidence.

Who doesn't like boobs?

Cheers.

TIM: Woo! Who's ready to party?

You're so strong.

I am strong.

- Oh. Whoa. - Whoa.

Come on, our ride is here.

AJ: You made it?

Yep.

Okay. Let's make me an Olympian.

How are you not massively hungover right now?

Well, I drank that Gatorade that you suggested,

and then I had a hot pocket and then I had some pizza

and then I had some ice cream.

Also, I might still be drunk.

- Is that coffee? - Did you bring any water?

Hmm. Okay. If this mentor-protégé thing is going to work out,

then you have to respect my caffeinated process.

Who said anything about being a mentor?

I'm only doing this so you don't tank our ranking.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Am I cutting into your

brooding-in-corners wearing-a-leather-jacket time?

I don't own a leather jacket.

- Well, you look like you could. - Okay.

- So what are we doing first? - Picking out my pump-up song?

No, but you can stretch, and then we can start on three miles,

Three miles?

That is 2.9 more miles than they said I have to run.

2.94 miles.

You're confusing miles and meters.

I think you're confusing me with the metric system.

Let's go, Evans.

Put down your stuff.

♪ Upbeat music playing ♪

♪

♪

[Paige gasping]

Oh my god.

Oh my god.

I can't feel anything.

I can't feel my legs.

I can't feel my face.

You're being a little dramatic.

It's the artist in me.

Speaking of,

you wanna go to art school?

Yeah.

Now that's like my biggest dream.

Hmm.

But now that the pressure's on and I have to send in my summer app,

I have no idea what to send in.

You started it yet?

Since you asked.

[clears throat]

I've been working on a few different things,

But none of it feels right to me.

Shit, you're really good.

Thank you.

Now I just have to make CalArt see that.

Pretend you're CalArts. Tell me what's missing.

Uh... nothing.

I, I think it's really great.

You're a really bad liar.

- No, I just... - Come on.

Tell me the truth.

I don't know. I'm, I mean, I'm not an expert by any means,

but maybe it's just,

it is lacking some emotion.

Okay.

I wasn't expecting constructive criticism, but alright.

- I knew that was a draft. - Look, your art is amazing.

Seriously.

What was the prompt again?

Show us your happiest moment.

Right, okay. So do you think that that, that shows that?

Or is there anything that is maybe happier?

I had a really yummy donut the other day.

Uh, what about a,

a first love or a first kiss or something?

Uh, well, I haven't had those things,

so you're really pouring salt on the wound here, AJ.

All I'm saying is that you'll get there.

Just don't be afraid to draw something

a little more vulnerable.

[phone chimes]

Look, they just posted something.

AJ: Guess that would rule you out.

At least it's not on school property this time.

[scoffs] Well, it's a little late for that KingPun.

Let's go, Frida Kahlo.

We've gotta get you to a point where you can run

without wanting to puke.

Might give me an edge.

Doubt it.

Did you know that Frida Kahlo was bi?

She was the OG bi-con.

Oh, nice. Uh...

Got joke for days, AJ.

♪ Kidd Kenn's Good Day playing ♪

[indiscernible chatter]

[grunts]

- [grunts] - Come on...

Come on. Come on, you got it.

Go. Go. Push.

TIM: Come on, KingPun, get it. Get that tire.

Yeah!

♪ I'ma have a good day ♪

♪ You need somebody that truly understands you ♪

♪ I'm on your side we together I'm never playin' you ♪

♪ It be the ones tryna help that can't stand you ♪

♪ But have a good day ♪

♪ I do me every day I don't live for others ♪

♪ Proud of who I am so I'm never under the covers ♪

♪ I ran with it ain't look back ♪

♪ Now I got big racks in a book bag ♪

♪ Smile at 'em when they look sad ♪

Hey. Look.

♪ They hate on me, throw shade on me ♪

♪ When it's time to drop they wait on me ♪

♪ A lot of people had changed on me ♪

♪ Don't shit change but the day homie ♪

♪ Shit changed but the next move ♪

♪ They know I really ball like the Nets do ♪

♪ All the haters been past due ♪

♪ Got too many feelings like the last dude ♪

♪ And I don't trip 'cause the hate be motivation ♪

Hey!

Hi.

♪ I make the best outta every situation ♪

♪ I be too real I be knowin' when they be fakin' ♪

♪ But this is real, me and my people made it ♪

♪ You need somebody that asks you, "Yo, how you feeling?" ♪

[crowd cheering]

MURRAY: Come on. Come on, Stacey. Oh no!

- Come on, Gabby, you got it. - I'm sorry.

MURRAY: Come on, AJ, you got this.

[crowd cheering]

♪ I'm on your side we together I'm never playin' you ♪

MURRAY: AJ! You got this!

You got it! You got it!

- Yeah! Yeah! - Come on!

Go! Go! Go! Go!

- Yes! - [cheering]

Oh my god!

TIM: Oh, Coach, Coach, Coach.

Okay. Alright!

Alright.

It goes against my entire coaching approach to say this,

but you're actually getting pretty good.

I knew you were using a tough love approach with me.

I know, who do I think I am, my dad?

That, that was a lot funnier in my head.

It's okay, dude.

I'm no stranger to dark dad humor.

Is he tough on you?

He just sees so much potential in me,

I guess I don't wanna let him down.

He wants me to get a scholarship to a D1 school.

I think that's why I'm so stressed about doing well.

But I don't wanna talk about my dad.

I'll save that one for a future therapy session.

Speaking of psychoanalyzing,

I think that you were right about my art.

I, I think I do play it safe.

I get it.

But I'm not gonna let you forget that you said I was good.

A compliment from the mysterious AJ Campos.

Don't make me regret it, Evans.

You wanna try?

Mm. Can you play track with a broken leg?

Don't worry, I'll spot you.

Oh shit.

Okay. Bend your knees.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

Hold up.

What?

I think that this is KingPun's notebook.

What, h-how do you know?

Look, dude,

it's totally in their style, and it has KP written all over it.

Oh yeah, that would do it.

Maybe it's somebody in track.

Well, that would rule out Chantal.

It was never her.

Cute puns are not her vibe, now that I think of it.

This is exactly how I'm gonna nail KingPun.

How?

I'm gonna DM them and tell them that I have their notebook.

There's tons of half-baked ideas in here.

It's not like they're gonna wanna leave it behind.

AJ: So what?

You're just gonna give it back to them

without figuring out who it is?

AJ. You kidding me?

We're gonna have a motherfucking stakeout.

Oh. No.

Hold on.

PAIGE: It's almost 8:00 p. M., and KingPun left me on read.

So I know that they saw it.

Wow. Your detection skills are on point.

- We should split up. - Cover more ground.

Oh god, your efficiency is hot.

You're hot.

Help. Help. Help. Help.

You know the gate's open, right?

- Oh! - Oh my god!

Paige. Are you okay?

DILLON: Ay, dios mio. STACEY: Do you need help? Are you good?

Ow.

DILLON: This girl's gonna be the death of me.

♪

♪

- Hey. - Hey.

GABBY: Wanna take the north side?

Yeah, sure.

Ugh.

They do know that's the south east side, right?

No, but it is so hot that you do.

You're so hot.

- You are so hot. - You are.

- We are. - We are.

We are.

BOTH TOGETHER: We are.

We are. We are.

AJ: Oh, I'm glad you have each other.

Hello?

- Oh shit. - Sorry.

DILLON: Ooh. [Stacey chuckles]

You know I like it when you grab my ass.

Well, on the upside, if you can't find KingPun,

it's kind of like a cool badge of honor to get suspended.

So you usually go for people who get suspended?

- Um, I don't really have a type. - It's more of just a vibe.

So your vibe is Aya then, huh?

Well, actually, we just broke up.

Oh really?

That sucks. Sorry.

Are you over them?

Depends, Paige. Who's asking?

Not me. I don't care.

Ouch.

I care.

I care.

I just was trying to be nice and ask you questions. So...

Not that good at that though.

Well, your questions are cute. So...

Do you remember in fifth grade when we were partnered up

to take care of that egg together in Ms. Higgins' class?

Oh yeah.

I'm pretty sure I dropped mine on the first day

and begged my mom to replace it for me.

Geez, I totally forgot you were my partner for that.

Damn, I was a shitty mom.

Well, if it's any consolation,

I gave our egg a bath, and I boiled it to death.

So guess I wasn't a perfect mom either.

Oh, hide.

It's gotta KingPun.

Aren't we supposed to be confronting them?

Yes. I'm just not good at confrontation.

Clearly.

Kind of weird that we've co-parented

and never kissed before, huh?

Yeah. It's a little bit strange.

Well, maybe we should try it.

We could try it.

[car door opens]

[car door closes]

You can lean in now.

Yeah. Right.

Sorry.

[car door opens]

- [car door closes] - That was awkward.

[engine starts]

Oh shit, they're leaving.

[tires squeal]

TOGETHER: Hey! Wait! Stop!

Yo. I cannot believe that your stupid stakeout idea

might have actually worked, but that was definitely Tim's car.

How do you know?

Who else drives a bright green Challenger

with a bumper sticker that reads "Your mom calls me daddy"?

- Fucking Tim. - [cell phone buzzing]

STACEY: Mm-hmm.

- Uh, hold on. - I have to take this.

So do you think you cracked the case?

Yeah, I guess so.

DILLON: Paige, let's go. We're gonna be late.

Are you seriously not packed for our away meet yet?

I started.

Dillon, I need to tell you something.

What, what happened?

Don't make it a big deal. Okay.

What happened?

Did you find another one of your mom's special movies?

Gabby and I kissed.

I'm sorry, what?

I know.

Wait, Gabriela Campos kissed you.

Okay. Screw packing. Tell me exactly what happened.

I don't know. It kind of just happened at the stakeout.

It was really weird, actually.

What do you mean weird?

You've been waiting for this, like, literally your entire life.

You're obsessed with her.

Well, it was very anti-climactic.

Was it a bad kiss?

Is that her fatal flaw? Does she have an Achilles tongue?

- [sighs] Maybe it wasn't her. - It was probably me.

- That makes more sense. - She's kissed a lot of people. Yeah.

- Shit! I haven't kissed anyone. - I don't know how to kiss.

Yeah. You're probably a terrible kisser.

- You need to teach me. - No.

- Teach me. - What, ew!

God, are you seriously trying to kiss me right now?

Just kiss me please. Come on.

No means no, Paige. Come on.

You're not a man. DILLON: Thank you.

Why are you so dressed up?

- It's a structured blazer. - Everybody quit tripping.

Come on. Let's go.

DILLON: Did you pack us the food?

PAIGE: Ugh. I can't believe I'm such a bad kisser.

Oh no, no, no, no.

Bad kisser, that is impossible. Not possible.

The Evans women are legendary kissers.

Your grandmother won the Frenching contest three years running.

- Oh my god. - I placed second.

- What? - I've told you about this?

I tied with your great aunt Janine.

Oh my god, she is a maniac.

Wow. I guess the promiscuous gene skips a generation.

That's what they say.

Do you think maybe it's not the kiss, it's the person?

- Oh. - What does that mean?

Maybe you were let down by the kiss because your crush has run its course.

But I've liked Gabby forever.

Might think that maybe there are other people out there.

- Yeah. - Like who?

[knocking]

Hi, Mrs. Evans. Miss. Sorry.

- Hey, AJ. - AJ.

Wow. Finally, we meet after hearing about you 24/7 from this one.

She's being sarcastic.

I mean, the word constantly springs to mind.

Um, what are you gonna do now that the antisocial artist is out of the house?

Oh man. So many possibilities.

I mean, the sky's the limit, right?

I'm not gonna crumble. That's the one thing I'm not gonna do.

We're gone for a night.

I know. Well, it doesn't matter.

I'm not gonna crumble. So...

Hey, AJ, um, do me a favor

and try to get old Paige here to loosen up a little bit.

Okay.

You know, like,

fire up a bong and knock back a couple of wine coolers.

Oh my god. I have poppers in the car. Should I run? Grab?

No. That's the wrong type of gay.

- Well, hello there. - Long time, no see.

A little delayed gratification never hurt anyone.

Okay.

MURRAY: So you making me wait.

They call it edging these days.

I looked it up on Wikipedia,

and the definition is quite rank.

I don't know the meaning of rank, but I believe you.

It means filthy dirty.

Well, I'm gonna just get your number off the emergency contact list.

Okay. I've had your number for, like,

I don't know how many days.

Go with the program. Okay.

I mean, text me. Like, I'm not getting any younger.

Come on.

[hydraulics hissing]

Let's go!

MAN: Here are you room keys, sir.

Quiet hours start at 11:00.

[indiscernible chatter]

[whistle blows]

Okay. Listen up, hormonal teens.

Now on this list is the name of your roommate.

I know that 60 percent of you are queer,

but, guys, don't go in the girls' room.

And, girls, please don't go in the guys' room.

We don't want anybody getting pregnant.

And I'm talking specifically to you, Stacey and Dillon.

- [gasps] - What? We would never.

One, as I made it clear on my campaign trail,

I will not be allowing the administration to control

what I do with my body.

Two. Obviously, I'm on birth control.

Well, I'm on team control,

and I want lights out by 9:00 p. m.

I have a Face Time date with a very lovely lady.

I don't want to be interrupted.

And Paige, no graffiti.

- [whispers] Your new step dad. - Ugh.

Hey.

Hi.

We should talk.

Hey, guess we're rooming together.

Can't get rid of you.

Um, I'm gonna go find out who my roommate is,

but I'll see you later.

Did you know that squirrels remember

every single person they've ever seen?

- What? - They have photographic memories.

Mm-hmm.

Uh, I look forward to hearing more animal facts tonight.

PAIGE: Oh good. 'Cause there are so plenty.

- Guys, team party. - My room, 9:30. Be there.

- No, you guys heard coach. - We, we can't do that.

Oh no.

Yeah, we definitely can't do that.

Especially since our track meet starts at 2:00 p. M., right?

Looks like we're getting fucked up tonight.

Oh Paige. You're so innocent.

♪ Party music playing [people chattering and laughing]

Okay. This one is either whiskey or rum.

Then we've got peach vodka. We've got lemon vodka.

Wiper fluid?

More vodka.

And we got mouthwash,

but you just gotta drink a lot of it to get fucked up.

Mm, that looks the least risky.

Is that all you could get from your parents?

Yeah. Well, look, my beard is coming in

so it's only a matter of time before I stop getting carded.

Oh yeah, for sure.

- BOY: Yo, Tim! - Hey.

There he is.

You know, you actually have to confront Tim

about being KingPun to accuse him, right?

I've been working up to it.

She really scares me sometimes.

Tim.

I know you're KingPun. I have your notebook.

What?

I saw you after school the other night. Okay.

What were you doing there if not to get your notebook?

[whispers] Okay, okay, okay.

I'll tell you.

I'm in Renaissance club.

Come again?

- I'm in Renaissance club. - I'm a Rennie, if you will.

Oh my god.

We were having our monthly feast.

And when I got to school,

well, it was canceled.

I don't believe you.

Are you serious?

Look.

Wow.

Okay. Everyone gather around, it is game time.

We have to play some games.

Still got a... lot of questions for you.

I got a lot of answers.

A lot of questions.

[laughter]

- Hey. - Hey.

Perfect timing. We're about to play seven minutes.

What? Like seven minutes in heaven?

No. That perpetuates a Christian narrative.

We're playing seven minutes in the hotel bathroom,

and it's a track tradition.

Okay, everyone, phones in, pride at the door.

For any new additions, the rules are simple.

You put your phone in the bag and if your phone gets picked,

you have to go into the bathroom with another person.

And since this is 2022,

we will not force anyone to make out if you don't want to.

But I will say seven minutes is such a long time

to be in the bathroom with someone and not make out.

- DILLON: Just saying, Paige. - Okay? Alright.

Everyone's phones are in. Alright.

First phone is...

♪ Alex Lahey's I Love You Like a Brother playing ♪

♪

♪

♪ You don't like sports and I don't like dresses ♪

♪ Luckily for us, our parents got the message ♪

♪ You'd always say "No" to combat my yeses ♪

♪ You know me better than I give you credit ♪

♪ People say we look the same, but I don't think we do ♪

♪ Maybe it's a consequence of sharing the same womb ♪

ALL: Oh!

Paige!

I believe this questionable phone case belongs to you.

No. DILLON: Yes.

Now let's see.

Whose case is this?

AJ AND GABBY: That'd be mine.

What's your background?

Tessa Thompson as Valkyrie.

AJ. It's you.

Come on. Get in there.

Come on. Let's go.

Rules are rules. We don't make the rules.

They're just the rules.

STACEY: Have fun. [Door opens]

- Use the dental dams. - [door closes]

PAIGE: Oh, I got one.

Did you know that pandas

fake their pregnancies to get extra food?

Oh wow. Another random animal fact.

So soon?

I know. I'm just nervous.

Don't you kind of know me by now.

Yeah. I kind of do.

Okay. Let me think of,

of random animal fact while you get yourself together,

Psst.

You could also just tell me something real.

Yeah.

Okay. Yeah.

Um...

I'm terrified of flying.

Is that all you're giving me?

Yes. Well, I don't, I just,

I don't think that humans are meant to sit in chairs

in the sky, you know.

Like, like, that's messed up, if you think about it.

- Damn. - [both laugh]

We are bad at the small talk thing.

I tried.

But at least it's better than us awkwardly making out.

Yeah.

I mean, what, can, can you imagine,

what, suddenly we're hardcore making out?

- Mm. That just sounds. - Come on.

Really crazy.

It, it would be hilarious.

It would be just super funny.

Yeah.

Funny, like this being my first kiss.

Very funny.

I know everyone makes assumptions about me.

The mysterious AJ Campos.

Brooding, leather jacket type,

but, um, no, never kissed anyone.

Ever.

I guess we have that lack of experience in common.

Yeah.

But why haven't you?

I mean, I'm sure that,

you know, people probably want to.

I'm not opposed to it.

I'm not opposed to it either.

Kissing someone?

Kissing you.

Oh.

♪ Romantic music playing ♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

Do you think that this is gonna be awkward later?

No, I really don't think so.

- Do you have enough blanket? - Do you have enough room?

We're being weird about this.

Yeah.

And this really does not have to be weird.

No.

It doesn't.

I honestly don't think I'm gonna be able to fall asleep.

Like, my mind is racing from this whole CalArts thing.

You're really lucky your mom is so supportive of you being...

Gay.

No. I'm gonna say an artist.

- Oh. - I do. Yeah.

I feel like I would never pursue something like that.

Because of your parents?

Like... to them,

everything artistic is a risk.

Which I, I guess I get.

What did they say when you came out?

When I told my mom I was bi,

she didn't really say anything.

But when Gabby came out,

she made it pretty impossible to ignore.

She did it at her 14th birthday party. Like, at the party.

- Oh wow. - Yeah.

I think my abuela was gonna puke.

Is it hard having a twin?

I mean, I love her,

and we have this really special, cool bond.

But Gabby's also painfully charming,

and everyone's obsessed with her.

[sighs]

It's just an impossible comparison to live up to, you know.

That was a lot. I don't know why I told you all that.

It wasn't a lot.

I'm glad you told me.

But what about you?

Is it hard growing up with just your mom?

Mm, sometimes, but not really.

I just love her so much.

Mm, she's like my best friend.

- Aw. - Don't tell her that though.

She wants it too much.

One day, she just decided she wanted a kid,

so she got some sperm and she did it herself.

That's pretty bad ass.

Now I know where you get your confidence from.

What are you talking about?

You're the one who has the whole quiet confident thing going on.

Nobody ever knows what you're thinking,

including me.

Hey.

I'm working on it.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

We should...

Yeah, you're right, we should probably get some sleep.

Yeah. Yeah.

Okay.

Good night, Paige.

Night, AJ.

♪ Girl in Red's Watch You Sleep playing ♪

♪ The morning sun ♪

♪ Shines on your skin ♪

♪ 'Cause your white curtains ♪

♪ They are paper-thin ♪

♪ Windows open ♪

♪ I can feel the breeze ♪

♪ But we're safe here ♪

♪ Under the sheets ♪

♪ I don't ever wanna leave ♪

♪ I'll watch you sleep ♪

♪ And listen to you breathe ♪

♪ Ooh, oh ♪

♪ I don't ever wanna leave ♪

[door closes]

♪ I'll watch you sleep ♪

GABBY: I've asked you nicely.

All I wanted was some Cheetos.

Hey, give me my food!

Hey.

Hey!

Oh my god, thank god you're here.

Gabby, drunk Gabby.

The stupid vending machine won't give me my food.

I got you.

- [clears throat] - Wow.

I'm telling you, listen,

I've tried this so many times tonight,

and it has not happened.

I mean, I don't know...

Oh.

Food!

Thank you.

It's so crazy.

I'm gonna walk you to your room, okay.

If you wanna walk me back to my room, Paige,

then that's what we're gonna do.

- I'm gonna do that. - Alright.

Remember,

remember when I told you that me and Aya broke up?

Yeah.

Well, it actually turns out that they broke up with me.

No one knows that though.

Gabby Campos got dumped.

Shh.

Are you okay?

Um, yeah, I am...

I'm not.

You're good at making me feel better though.

I can't, I can't, I can't. I'm sorry.

Why don't you want to kiss me?

Why does no one want to kiss me?

I'm sorry, I just have a crush on somebody else.

Story of my life, am I right?

[beeping]

[rattling]

Gabby?

It's a froyo loyalty card.

Yeah,

that it is.

See ya later, alligator.

Good night.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

AJ, are you awake?

♪ Upbeat music playing ♪

ANNOUNCER 1: [on mic] Well, friends, it doesn't get any bigger than this.

We're here at the historic Central Square Track and Field,

and we've got a big one today.

And this is the stuff dreams are made of,

but also nightmares if you're not in the top three.

It goes by so fast, like childhood.

I just hope that everybody takes every moment in

and makes it special.

Now some would say there are no losers here today.

- Is that true? - No.

Fantastic.

The polls say you're two points behind.

- Oh yeah? - Mm-hmm.

I wouldn't trust the polls,

especially when they're run by two freshmen

who have crushes on you.

Okay, Todd and Harry did the best they can

with the resources they have.

- Mm-hmm, yeah? - "The best they can?"

Are they? Are they really?

Guys, emergency.

Have you guys seen AJ?

I tried to sit next to her on the bus, but then Coach cornered me

to talk about my mom's food preferences.

No, why?

You have that anxious-sweating

through-your-clinical-strength deodorant look in your eye.

AJ and I kissed last night.

- Shut up! - What?

And then Gabby tried to kiss me, again.

- Oh my god. - Oh no.

And I'm freaking out because AJ thinks

it was both of our first kisses, but it wasn't.

My first kiss was with Gabby, and I don't know what to do

because I actually like AJ.

No shit.

Dillon,

our kiss was really real.

You know what I'm saying? It was really good.

Okay, uh, Paige, take, take a deep breath

'cause you can't have an orgasm on the field.

I just don't know what to do.

I don't want her to think that it didn't matter.

And I don't want her think that I like her sister, I don't.

I don't want her to hate me.

We were talking all night, and I really don't want her to hate me.

ANNOUNCER 1: [over speaker] Four by 100 relay teams,

please report to the starting line!

What am I gonna do?

Um, okay, well, first of all,

you're gonna run the race

and hopefully you won't trip and fall,

and then we can figure out what to say to AJ.

I feel like I'm gonna shit my pants like that marathon runner did.

Shit your pants?

Please shit your pants, that would be hilarious.

- No, please don't shit your pants. - It's gonna slow us down.

True, maybe don't shit your pants.

And that's it for the javelin.

We're getting that young athlete carted off the field.

I'm sure they'll be okay.

They're doing amazing things now with blood platelet therapy.

And now we're on to the big one,

the granddaddy of them all,

the fastest 50 seconds in sport,

the four by 100 meter relay.

[over speakers] Trigger warning, there will be a gunshot to start,

but it's fake.

♪ Upbeat music playing ♪

ANNOUNCER 1: Runners, take your mark.

♪ Tell me that I'm yummy when I'm driving in your car ♪

♪ T-t-tell me that you love me when we cruise the boulevard ♪

♪ Baby, tell me that you like my style ♪

♪ Make you moan real loud ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, you're my queen ♪

♪ But daddy be-be wearing the crown, uh ♪

♪ We sit at the king's table ♪

♪ The courts we assembled are disabled ♪

How would you approach a baton hand off?

I'd go like this.

Okay, ready? Grab.

So I don't look.

- I'll do it again. - Ah, incredible.

Incredible. And our hands did not touch.

Oh, but you have to do it backwards.

- Just picture this, but backwards. - Okay.

[crowd cheering]

ANNOUNCER 1: On your mark!

Get set.

[gunshot]

[crowd cheering]

GIRL: Go, Gabby!

Go, go, go!

Here we are with the second leg of the race

and for Miller High, this is Gabriela Campos.

She's one of the captains.

Look at 'em go, wow.

She's really, she's just, she's just doing a lot of this.

She's doing tons of this.

This is gonna be a crucial hand off here to newcomer Paige Evans.

And they get it done! And now Paige Evans is off.

♪ Oh, I don't wanna let it go ♪

♪ Kick, kick, kick it on the floor ♪

♪ Pick it up and do some more, more ♪

♪ Oh, yeah, we're never gonna stop ♪

♪ Find the rhythm, make it pop ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh oh ♪

♪ Monetary things might gleam, but the sun makes the beams ♪

♪ And we are human beings and yeah, that's an animal ♪

♪ Lion on the plain but call us the cannibal ♪

♪ And it's terrible ♪

♪ How we let ourselves get played on like an Atari ♪

♪ I'm not sorry 'cause my heart beats for tomorrow's love ♪

♪ Not, not tomorrow's blood ♪

ANNOUNCER 1: Now look at Miller High, they are neck and neck.

An absolute surprise. Oh, the humanity of it all.

Incredible. Linklater close behind.

Now ahead, going in the lead.

Miller High...

Miller High second place!

[group cheering]

♪ Upbeat music playing ♪

♪

♪

♪

Second place!

Hey, can I talk to you about last night?

What about last night?

What happened last night?

My drunk ass tried to kiss Paige.

I'm sorry, I should have asked

and not just assumed because we kissed before,

but honestly I should probably apologize for that kiss too.

I clearly don't deal with breakups well.

You all know about this?

It's really not what...

No, it's fine.

You don't have to explain yourself.

AJ, can we please talk?

No, it's fine.

It was just a kiss, right?

And actually, I should be apologizing to you.

I'm KingPun, so we're even.

- What? - Oh shit.

You guys like each other?

Gab, really, keep up please.

[sighs] Shit.

AJ, wait!

No, Paige, Paige, Paige, Paige, Paige.

Give them a moment, okay.

It's okay.

It's okay. It's okay.

♪

AJ, wait.

Leave me alone, Gabby.

Wait.

I didn't know you liked her, okay.

I never would've kissed her if I did.

Yeah, I know, but this always happens.

Every time I try to make new friends

or just do my own thing,

people always think of you first.

I'm sorry.

God, I was so stupid for thinking this time was different.

AJ, you're not stupid.

Paige isn't even into me.

She said she likes someone else, I'm guessing you.

She never told me that.

Just like you didn't tell me you were KingPun.

I mean, what is going on with you? Why wouldn't you tell me that?

Because Mom and Dad would kill me if they found out I was spending time

on literally anything other than school or track,

let alone defacing the school.

But it's me, AJ.

I know.

But everything I do is always overshadowed by you, Gabs.

I needed something that was mine.

How am I supposed to help you if you don't tell me anything?

Help me with what, Mom and Dad?

They're hard on me too, you know.

Oh, now this is about you, great.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean it.

Listen, I will be fine.

Just let second place feel like last today, okay.

ANGIE: Wow,

AJ is KingPun.

- Mm-hmm. - Mm.

I did not see that coming.

Neither did I.

Thank you for getting me my favorite, by the way.

You're welcome.

I mean, I got it for both of us, so I... well, okay.

Um,

so, I hate to bring this up,

but it's almost the end of the semester

and I was kind of a-wonderin'

what you were planning to do about the whole suspension thing.

Mm, I have no clue.

Mm-hmm.

I don't want to give AJ away because her dad would be really upset,

but I also don't want to ruin this whole CalArts thing.

Yeah, I get it.

Everything is falling apart.

She won't speak to me.

She ignored me the whole time on the bus,

and she doesn't answer any of my texts.

So... how am I supposed to draw my happiest moment

when I'm the most depressed I've ever been?

Well, stop wondering

how you could have done things differently, you know.

I mean, sometimes you just have to let your feelings guide you.

That's all you can really do.

And then sometimes your head and your heart

end up duking it out.

Well, those two things aren't really working right now, are they?

- She's gonna come around. - You've just got to give her some time.

That's the way this works.

You didn't see the look on her face, Mom.

I know. I didn't, but

I've been AJ.

Okay.

I've been you, I've been Gabby.

You break hearts,

you get your heart broken, and everything in between.

That's just how it works.

Be cool. And I think eventually AJ will hear what you're saying.

Having feelings is evil.

It's the worst.

No feelings would be better,

but that's just not the way it is.

I do have one more really important question though.

What's up?

How does Coach Murray look?

- Oh. - Like, seriously, level with me.

Tell me everything. I want all the details.

DILLON: What do you mean you think only five people are gonna vote?

STACEY: Hi, Gabby.

BOY: Huh. I'm telling you...

♪ McClenny & St. Panther's Kerosene playing ♪

♪ Got no ♪

♪ Nowhere else to hide in the deep ♪

♪ Got no ♪

♪ No one else to find for the scheme ♪

♪ Nothing, nothing, nothing ♪

♪ Nothing that rise won't fall ♪

Jesus.

♪ But you led us to it ♪

♪ Take a seat ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ For the team ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ It's all numbing us ♪

♪ But only you were caught moving ♪

♪ Kerosene ♪

[toilet flushing]

♪ Kerosene ♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪ Got your ♪

♪ Hands into the fire by the greed ♪

♪ Got nobody to deny ♪

♪ What they seen ♪

♪ Nothing, nothing, nothing ♪

♪ Nothing that rise won't fall ♪

♪ It's on all of us ♪

♪ But you led us to it ♪

♪ Take a seat ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ For the team ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Now we don't know how to behave ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Had my fingers up, screaming, fuck what you say ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Start the hold world over, Earth replay ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Tossing, turning every night, I wanna feel safe ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ In a room full of kerosene ♪

♪ It's on all of us ♪

♪ But you led us to it ♪

♪ Take a seat ♪

♪ For the team ♪

♪ It's on all of us ♪

♪ But you led us to it ♪

♪ Take a seat ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ For the team ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ It's all numbing us ♪

GIRL: Just drop it in your class box.

- Thank you. - GIRL: Yep, you got it.

[indiscernible chatter]

[sighs]

[whispering] I'm sorry, I just, I really need to...

I know this is rude.

Um,

[clears throat]

Sorry, I, I dropped something up there,

so I have to go ahead of you.

Sorry, I'm gonna...

- Hi. - What are you doing?

Are you just going to ignore me forever?

It's been three days.

Well, each one of them has felt like daylight savings.

That would make them an hour shorter.

Well, I told you, I don't know the metric system.

I know you were forced to hang out with me on track,

but then you used me to get to my sister,

to hide from Chantal, and to figure out who KingPun was.

Which you could have told me about by the way.

Oh, because you were so honest?

Okay, I deserved that.

It's not like you told the truth though, either.

Well, I wanted to tell you.

You know, there are other places you can go to make out, right?

That's really not what we're doing.

I wanted to tell you about KingPun, that I was KingPun.

I wanted to tell you how I felt,

how I think about you all the time.

How when you look at me,

I feel like my heart is literally beating in my ears.

And when you get flustered, I get flustered

'cause I think it's the stupidest, cutest thing I've ever seen.

But maybe this is why I didn't tell you,

because I knew it was too good to be true.

You don't get to choose who you fall for. Believe me, I get it.

AJ, look at me.

I like you.

I don't want to be runner-up.

DILLON: Why does the vote for Dillon hashtag

only have two posts, and they're both from me?

She hasn't posted in 12 hours, is that weird?

That feels really weird.

Uh, do you care because it's KingPun,

or do you care because it's AJ and it's driving you nuts

not knowing what she's thinking?

I'm not answering that.

Listen, I just know how much trouble AJ will be in if I tell on her.

I don't know what to do.

Fleeing is always an option.

You're gonna be a great president, Stacey.

Thank you.

Wait, you didn't vote for me?

GABBY: Here are me and AJ's uniforms.

- Thank you, Gabby. - Just put it in there.

Hey, this had hot Cheetos dust on it when I got it.

Really weird.

Oh, Paige.

Principal Collins would like to see you in her office.

I know.

And, um,

tell your mom I said... hi.

I will not.

Okay, let's just get this over with.

I'm KingPun. There, I said it, okay.

I accept whatever consequences you determine for me,

and I'll face them.

Wait, let me get this straight.

You are also KingPun?

Yes.

Okay, I'm KingPun, we're all KingPun.

In fact, I'm QueenPun.

- Huh? - Is it root vegetable season?

Because it's turn up time, see?

No, I-I'm KingPun.

We know you're not KingPun, okay.

AJ Campos came in about an hour ago,

- and she confessed to everything. - Wait, what?

Do you want to get suspended too?

I'm just curious, 'cause it feels like you wanna get suspended.

And I don't know about you, but I'm not trying to do double the paperwork.

I got things to do.

Wait, suspension?

You, you suspended her?

Yes, I suspended her.

She came in and gave me all the evidence I needed,

and she's allowed back into school next semester.

Next semester?

Do you understand how space and time works?

Oh god, this semester ends this week.

Why are you still here?

I have things to do,

wenches to boss

and turkey legs to motorboat

and history to write.

Okay, I'll leave.

Well, do you wanna help me with the corset?

'Cause it's,

it is like a whole panic room on my back.

[students chattering]

♪ Soft music playing ♪

♪

♪

Like, I want to win, but I just, like, I don't want to see you lose.

- I'm gonna win, babe. - I don't know if you are.

I think I will.

- Oh yeah? - Mm-hmm.

- You think you will win? - I know I'm gonna win.

- Yeah? - Mm-hmm.

- Tell me again. - I'm gonna win.

I'm gonna fucking win.

I need your help.

Stacey, I need you to call Gabby.

Ugh.

Are you serious?

She's relapsing.

It's the opposite actually.

I'll fill you guys in while we work.

We should go.

STACEY: Work on what?

- Paige! - Paige.

♪ Upbeat music playing ♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

AJ: What are we doing?

You know I can't be here right now.

GABBY: This won't take long.

AJ: Jesus Christ!

What the hell are you doing?

Put that away!

Gabs, stop!

Are you just trying to get me expelled at this point?

Listen, I know you're still upset.

Yeah, more so now.

But I will always have your back, okay.

If you're going down, I'm going down with you.

Okay, yeah, I appreciate the gesture,

but this is not gonna help me at all.

In fact, I think it's gonna get me in more trouble.

Also, what the hell is it?

Isn't it obvious?

No, I feel like I'm playing Pictionary with an infant.

It's supposed to be an arrow.

You were supposed to follow it.

What?

Listen, I love you, okay, even when we fight.

And you're a fucking incredible artist and an amazing person.

You deserve to win, AJ.

Alright, I do appreciate that.

So please, follow my shitty arrow.

♪ Upbeat music playing ♪

♪

♪

♪

♪ When we met I worried that ♪

♪ You and me spark too easy ♪

♪ Dig me in with your grief ♪

♪ We grew into something heavy ♪

♪ It's been a while, we lost touch ♪

♪ I feel like a stranger ♪

♪ I ran out on your love ♪

♪ I'm hoping you don't blame me ♪

♪ I change like the seasons ♪

COLLINS: Good afternoon, everybody.

Uh, just a quick reminder, there's about 50 spots open

for the Annual Renaissance Fair.

So if you'd like to sign up,

you could still do that in my office.

Moving on to the real reason we're here today,

the election results.

And a quick thank you to your peers here on stage

who have worked so hard to earn your vote

to become the next student body president.

And out of the two, I have no idea who it could be.

It's such a close race

between the both of them.

Without further ado,

your next president is

Stacey Clark!

[crowd cheering]

Madam President.

First Gentleman.

[indiscernible]

[crowd cheering]

Go, Stacey!

[whooping]

I am so honored to be your new student body president.

As many of you may know,

I've worked tirelessly to make this dream happen.

And I wanna give a huge shout-out

to everybody who's helped me along the way.

I'm looking at you, Todd and Henry.

BOTH: Yeah!

As promised on my campaign trail,

I will be completely transparent about all my policies.

I also will be challenging the administration

on any issues I believe merit push back.

Here we go.

In fact, I'd like to serve right now

by introducing you guys to my very first project,

the beautification initiative.

It's about time we took a page out of KingPun's book

and filled these school walls with color and life.

It's time we reinvested in art, no matter what the administration says.

I voted for you, bitch.

Therefore, to launch this initiative,

I'd like to welcome a beautiful artist to the stage.

Paige Evans!

[students murmuring]

[Dillon applauds]

Woo!

You look like a serial killer, change your eyes.

What is she doing?

Just wait.

I can't believe I've become an accomplice to this.

You're gonna be surprised by a lot of the things

you do with me.

I'm mostly talking about sex stuff, just so you know.

Hello.

My name is Paige Evans.

Yeah, yeah, Paige!

Some of you guys may recognize me from that party I attended once.

GIRL: Jesus!

- [Paige clears throat] - This is terrible.

Good job.

Like KingPun,

um, I too am also an artist.

And I believe that art is supposed to make you feel something.

KingPun isn't vandalizing school property.

Actually breathing life into this place.

Have you ever walked into school and had a bad night

or had a breakup and saw a mural

and laughed or smiled?

[scattered applause]

Yes. So exactly.

I don't, I don't think that KingPun has to be punished for that.

[applause] BOY: Yeah.

And as your new class president, I agree.

[audience cheers] BOY: Yeah!

Great, it's a coup.

- Go. - What?

Please, please, please.

Hi.

Hi.

So AJ is KingPun?

I just need you to know that when I'm with you,

it's not about Gabby,

it's, it's not about track.

Paige, I don't really want...

Just let me finish, okay.

Please.

Yeah.

I've been really struggling with this stupid prompt,

trying to figure out what my happiest moment feels like.

Yo, I can't hear anything.

Hey, you guys know what's happening?

And I've realized that it's not just one moment.

It's every moment that I've had with you.

Falling for you has been the happiest moment of my life.

And making this has been the easiest thing I've made all semester.

[students gasp]

Oh my god.

[indiscernible chatter]

Wow.

I mean,

it really hasn't been the easiest thing.

I haven't slept in 24 hours,

but you get the idea.

Can I talk now?

- Only if it's good. - [AJ chuckles]

I'm really sorry I threw you under the bus

and then let you take the fall for me.

It was wrong and really messed up.

I just wanted to spend every second I could with you.

And every stupid pun and mural and drawing

brought us together.

So I couldn't stop

'cause I was falling for you too.

[Paige squeals]

[both laugh]

Okay, that was good.

- Yo, can y'all speak up? - Man, we can't hear you.

Speak up!

Shut up, Tim!

Ahem. Sorry.

What do we do?

I think if we kiss, they'll get the idea.

Okay.

[all cheer]

Oh, thank god.

Yeah, sister!

[cheering continues]

How are we gonna get that to CalArts?

Uh, my mom's got it covered.

There's only 15 percent battery left.

Oh yeah, I know.

I brought the charger so that we can have a little fun

with this bad boy in your office later on.

And by later on, I mean in, like, 90 seconds.

We should go.

Thank god this went well.

Could you imagine if she got you turning me down on tape?

- Hello? - Oh yep, there you are.

I was sitting here the whole time.

- Did you not notice? - No.

Why are you smiling?

What are you talking about?

I know you took some of my hair.

I know that you're in love with me.

- Whoa, okay, don't flatter yourself. - You're not my type.

Two, of course I took your hair.

How else is a love spell supposed to work?

I'm exhausted.

You're welcome.

She really just called us out.

COLLINS: Paige!

- Okay, I know, I know. - Double the paperwork and I'm sorry.

And you're gonna have to suspend us both, so...

I'm not suspending either one of you guys.

- Really? - What?

- Did I stutter? - You guys need to clean your ears.

No, not suspending anyone.

And the beautification initiative,

when the board hears about it, it was me.

- Okay, that's fine. - Damn.

Oh, I'm not done yet.

You guys are also gonna run the face painting booth

at the RenFaire this year.

Anything but that.

That's the face I was looking for!

Looking like a bunch of wenches.

[cackles]

She just called us wenches.

Does this mean I have to paint Tim?

I think honestly, we should be thanking her.

It's the first day on the job,

and you already started a revolution.

Would you expect anything less?

Time to use those dental dams.

There's some in your locker.

Thank you.

[clears throat]

By the way, that wasn't just a kiss.

Yeah, no shit.

PAIGE: The thing about art is that you can't force it.

It's a lot like love.

You should just let it come to you

and not be afraid to be vulnerable.

I spent so long comparing myself to other artists,

to my peers, to KingPun.

When I finally stopped and I started living my life,

my art caught up with me.

And you know what?

It looks pretty damn good from here.

♪ Jax Anderson's Bigger Picture playing ♪

♪ Now that I am out from undercover ♪

♪ Seeing all the colors ♪

♪ That I feel because of you ♪

♪ Now I know that I don't need to suffer ♪

♪ Finally got each other ♪

♪ Deep down, it was always you ♪

♪ All the shit that I went through ♪

♪ Doesn't matter 'cause of you ♪

♪ So much to look forward to ♪

♪ The big picture starts with you ♪

♪ Every time I'm anxious, you peel back my layers ♪

♪ Take the tension off my back ♪

♪ Take the tension off my back ♪

♪ I'm not glad it hurts you when you see me crying ♪

♪ Every fallen tear you dry ♪

♪ I fought off all the feelings for the fear I feel too much ♪

♪ But you saw straight through the walls I built up ♪

♪ Now that I am out from undercover ♪

♪ Seeing all the colors ♪

♪ That I feel because of you ♪

♪ Now I know that I don't need to suffer ♪

♪ Finally got each other ♪

♪ Deep down, it was always you ♪

♪ All the shit that I went through ♪

♪ Doesn't matter 'cause of you ♪

♪ So much to look forward to ♪

♪ The big picture starts with you ♪

♪ It all starts with you ♪

♪ It all starts with you ♪

♪ Now that I am out from undercover ♪

♪ Seeing all the colors ♪

♪ That I feel because of you ♪

♪ And now I know that I don't need to suffer ♪

♪ Finally got each other ♪

♪ Deep down, it was always you ♪

♪ All the shit that I went through ♪

♪ Doesn't matter 'cause of you ♪

♪ So much to look forward to ♪

♪ The big picture starts with you ♪

♪ It all starts with you ♪

♪ It all starts with you ♪

♪ It all starts with you ♪

♪ It all starts with you ♪

♪ upbeat music playing ♪

♪