Original subtitles

[footsteps]

[footstep continues]

[screaming]

No.

Please.

Bang!

Nice shot, lover. What was that for?

This was due back last Thursday.

And besides, he forgot to rewind.

Gumshoe Video.

If we don't have it, we'll hit the pavement looking for it.

[crowd cheering and applauding]

Wow, this is amazing.

I don't really knowwhere to begin.

[gasps]

I told myself I wouldn't cry.

Um... no, seriously, I haveso many people to thank...

I would just like tostart by saying...

[ads playing]it's you guys that make this...

[crowd booing]

[crowd screaming]Stop!

Guys, can someone...

[crowd yelling]

[ads playing]Media Giant.

[Buddy] It's horrible.

It's okay.

I know I can't compete withthese big guys, but as long asl have you guys...

my small and loyal followingof geeks and weirdoes, I know I'll be alright.

Everyone, have some more beer!

Oh, and stick around, because later on...

we are gonna have a specialmidnight screening ofa 1949 classic She-Gorilla.

Yes!

That's right.

[girl] Yeah!

Alright.

[people chatting]

How was that, man?

You're not supposed toshow ads for two differentvideo stores...

during the samecommercial break, alright?

Who cares? When is the show again?

Oh my god, 3:12 a.m.

[illegible] God damn thing.

Those are your people.

Who? Scottish people?-Hmm-hmm.

No, no, no, the freaks.

They're up all night, sniffingglue, watching competitivejump rope on ESPN for women.

Those are the peoplekeeping you in business.

Yeah, you know, you're right.-I know I'm right.

All I'm saying is I love Neilas much as everyone.

But it was basically a rip offof Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid.

[woman chuckles]

Well, it was.-Thanks, man.

I would've done somethingmore deconstructive, likevideotape actual video tape.

The commercial was dynamite.-Great, thanks.

And Denise was great. Where is she?

I guess she didn't show it. She thinks this whole thingis a little stupid.

What?-Yeah.

You okay?-I'm alright.

Alright, see you guys, bye bye.-Alright, bye.

Have fun tonight, alright?

[Marcia] I cannot believeDenise didn't show.

[Neil sobbing]

[baby crying]

[Neil] Hey, I'm just kidding, I'm just kidding.

[baby crying]

Great.-[Neil] I'm just kidding.

Hey, man, come here.

What's up?

Hey, you see that girl?

Um, can you spill water on her?

[giggles]Like on her tits?

No, uh... in her lap.

Alright.-Alright.

Wait.

Alright.

Here.

Don't insult me.

[woman screaming][waiter] Oh, my god, I'm so sorry.

[screaming continues][waiter] I'm so terribly sorry. I'm so horribly sorry.

Awfully sorry.-[woman] You should be sorry.

I'm sorry, I'm so very sorry.

Hey.-Hey.

Sorry, I'm late.-Never mind.

Guess that's what happens whenyou turn into a big TV star.

[chuckles]

Oh, what happened withyour dress?

Oh, yeah, it's nothing.

Again, I'm really sorry.

Uh... Denise, do you thinkyou're a little hard onthat waiter before?

Neil, what do you get out ofhiring some goon to throwa pitcher of water in my face...

while you hide...-It's not a pitcher.

While you werehiding in the bushes.

You are not sitting in front ofsome movie, you are acting outsome immature little game...

if you want this to work, you'll have to grow up.

Or we could just break up.

What?

Wait a minute, I came here to tell youto get your shit together...

you can't turn this intobreaking up with me.

Here we are.

I don't believe this.

The next thing you're gonnasay is, "It's not you, it's me".

No, it's definitely you.

See you're not enough likeKatharine Ross in Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.

I don't know what that means.

She was so supportive, she didn't make Paul Newmanfeel stupid.

She went along with it.

Well, you know what, Neil? You can't go long with someonewho's going nowhere...

someone who runs a shitty littlevideo store that doesn't evenmake any money...

and spends his days hangingaround a bunch of dorks talkingabout the Seventh Seal.

No, hey, you likedthe Seventh Seal.

I was faking it, you sucker.

Oh, this is Burgman?

The imagery is so powerful! What a genius!

I'm so happyyou made me watch this.

Hmm!

[Neil] I can't keep sponsoringMonday nights at the club, man.

Come on.-I'm sorry, I can't do it.

I'm getting killedon Mondays, dude.

Nobody comes out to seethese local bands.

These are shitty bands, man.

Who the hell wants to watcha bunch of high school metalheads with names like...

shit and bricksand Trojan whores.

Trojan whores?-Yeah.

I like that.

I don't know. You gotta help me out, dude.

You got help me out. I'm taking a bathon these live shows.

I can't even afford new uniformswith a soccer ball team.

The other teams arelaughing at us. It's a total joke.

Shit.-I know.

[ads playing]

Oh, I love this, check out this entrance.

[ads playing]

[TV] What a sucker!

[door bangs]

[TV] You did a very good job yourself, you didn't need too much of my help.

No, I don't mind. I'm in the video storeright now.

No, it's one of thoselittle shitty ones.

[TV] Yeah, and wouldn't that break your heart?

What do you think aboutThe City of Lost Children?

Excellent film by the same guywho made Delicatessen.

I'm on the phone, actually.

What's Casino?

To be honest, I wouldn't recommend it.

It's basically a poor man'sgood fellas bet in Vegas.

Hang on, I'm, I'm... still on the phone.

So which one should I rent?

So which one do you recommend?

[sighs][bangs]

All of a sudden, you're mute?

Oh, oh... I take it you'retalking to me now.

Who else would I be talking to?

[chuckles]

It's for a friend who'sat home sick, which onedo you recommend?

What's the matterwith your friend?

Why?

If your friend's got stomach fluand he's running to thebathroom every five minutes...

then I'd go for this one.

But if your friend is in somekind of medication like...

You know what, just surprise me.

This one.

Great, uh... so how does this work?

What do you mean?

I've never been toone of these places.

You never rented a movie?

I've been to a movie, does that count?

Okay, let's start you offwith a membership.

You know what, I knew it wassome kind of racket.

No, not really, you need togive me your driver's licenseand I'll give you a membership.

I don't have a driver's license.

How do you get around?-I get around.

Okay, well, I can't give youa membership until you giveme a driver's license.

Hmm, how about a cash deposit?

I'll give you 20 bucks.

What? 20 bucks?-Yeah, 20 American Dollars.

You know, these are all typesyou kind of hard to...

Alright, I'll give you 50 bucksand I don't want to hearanything more about it.

Fifty it is.

Lucky for you, I saw my pimp today.

Oh, ah, Fletch, right?

No, his name is Donald.

Well, that's it. That's all I've got.

Don't blow it all oncigarettes and toilet wine.

[both chuckle]

It'll be right here.-Alright.

Great.

[Neil whistling]

[commentator speaking]

[commentator continues speaking]

[people cheering in TV]

It makes no sense that zombieseat, they are dead, they haveno digestive system that works.

But they need people's brainsin order to continue to livein the undead world.

Yes.-How come they never puke?

Their insides are full of puke.

I still don't understand whyzombies have to eat people.

Why don't they justgo into restaurants?

Absolutely.-It doesn't make sense.

They need to eat brains.

But they are already dead.

I understand them killing peopleripping them apart because theyare angry that they are dead.

[Neil] Hi!

Hi.-Hi.

You like the movie?

Um... yeah.

Cool.

We made ithalf way through, huh?

Um... yeah.

You want to see something cool?-Sure.

Watch this. Hey, guys, guys, here!

Hey.

Okay, okay.

She stopped it when Clancy isfollowing the professor.

My love, don't embarrassthe family. It's clearly, the race track scene.

Please, she obviously stoppedwhere the goons jump Clancyback at his apartment.

Hmm.

You're on crack.

This movie is stoppedat the scene in the night club.

Just as Baxter... depending on the tracking...

just when he confesseskilling the Gypsy.

That's crazy.

Why would anyone stop at justwhen he's about to confess?

[laughing]

You're right.

Precisely, hey, she wouldn't.She would be dying to knowwho killed the Gypsy.

Until I put it to you, ladies and gentleman...

that she fell asleep beforethe Gypsy was murdered.

And then she woke upin the nightclub scene...

and then not being able toappreciate the ironic tragedyof Baxter having to murder...

the only person who couldgot him out of the hook, she shut it off.

I don't know, put it in.

He seems a little...

[woman grunts]Let's see.

[TV playing]

[characters speaking]What's wrong with that?

- Will you cut that music out! - Cut out the rest of the fuss!

Why did you kill her?

[laughing and applauding]

Cool... but scary.

Listen, I'm still gonna haveto charge you full price...

even though you onlywatched half the movie, sorry.

Uh... guys, did anyonetake an envelope fromunderneath the register...

written on itwas nothing at all?

You wrote the words, "nothing at all", on the envelope?

I don't evenunderstand the question.

[Marcia] Yeah, I'm confused.

No?-No.

Looks like I have mislaidyour deposit.

I'm sorry.

This is where you offer me 50dollars' worth of movie rental.

It's a pretty good idea.

You know what, no offense, but I don't think I'm reallygonna use it.

You get a lot of goodmovies for 50 dollars.

Or you could just take me outto a 50-dollar dinner.

Oh.

Well, I could just use thecash as well, just the cash.

No, no, no.

That's a great idea.

I can write it offas a business dinner.

[chuckles]

Uh... tonight?

Sure.

Do you know a placecalled Lightsides?

Hmm.-Alright.

I'll see you there at eight.

Deal.-Cool.

Uh, Violet.-Oh, Neil.

[both chuckling]

[woman laughing]

She asked me.

Hey, when your done fuckingthe customers, want to playTrivia Pursuit with us?

No, thank you.

[TV playing]

[Neil whistling]

Hi.

Ha-ha.-Well, well, well.

Look who decide to finallyshow up for a date.

Uh, I'm only three minutes late.

We're on a business trip.

I gotta tell you though, it's a hell of a happy hour.

[tapping on the couch]

They got the best goddamnpeanuts in town.

What?-Peanuts, P-E-A-nuts.

Oh, alright.-Peanuts.

I guess you'vebeen here a while.

Okay, enough with the chitchat.

You gonna take me backto your place or what?

Uh, you know my car is rightoutside, I can give you a ride, or maybe I can call you a cab?

What do you think?-You sure you don'twanna take me home?

Hmm...-Neil, look at me...

I'm wasted.-Yeah.

I mean, like shootinga fish in a barrel.

[Violet laughing]

Uh, you know, Violet? I think you are very attractive. Really, you're very attractive.

But come on, I mean, what kindof guy would I be if I...

take you homeand take advantage of you.

[Neil whispers] You know?

So...-You're such a nice guy, Neil.

I'm gonna cry.

It's just really refreshingto meet such a decentperson these days.

Vodka and soda.

Um...

I'll have the screwdriver.

I thought there'llalways be a market...

a group of customerswho needed somethinga little more personal...

and a little more intimate?

Sure.

Plus, most of these big storesdon't have more than a few Altmovies, hardly any B movies...

Sci-fi, Neway, forget about it.

That's a bummer.

I know.

Plus, I find out there's gonnabe another Media Giant storeopening at least a mile away.

Did they send over a bunch ofguys in suits with cash in theirbriefcases try to buy you out?

No, I'm not really a threat, they don't need to buy me out.

Goons with crowbars?-Um, no.

No?

No goons so far.

Um, I guess we've eaten almost50 dollars' worth of food?

Alright.-Ah...

Not so fast, big boy, you owe me a 50-dollar dinner.

I put my own tally in...

that'd be about...

[machine clicks]

About 37 bucks.

Um, I'll have a brownie Sundaeand a cup of coffee and...

right, a piece of key-lime pie.

So, what are we gonna doabout that big video store?

I mean, I assumed that everybodywould feel the same waythat I felt, you know?

But no, no, no, no.

Most people just want to get intheir cars, they want to driveto the local store and...

rent the latest disastermovie, you know?

Well, there's not many peoplejust wanna come in and havea leisurely stroll around...

maybe talk about cool break, shoot the shit... No!

Sis.

[TV] Media Giant online, renting your favorite new releases as easy as watching.

Um, which version of thelnvasion of the Body Snatchers would you recommend...

the 1956 version, or the 1978 version?

We're closing in a few minutes.

Psst! Sh-ht!

[whispers] Come here!

[Violet] Hurry!

Uh... so what's in your mind?

After he leaves, we'll go outand switch the DVDs so thatthey are all in the wrong boxes.

That could take all night.

It'll only a take a second tothrow a rock throughthe window, smart guy.

[laughing]

[DVD boxes click]

Fancy, put somethingreally dirty in here.

Alright.

Here you go.

[unintelligible]

Here.

So we never really... got to talk aboutyou so much...

what is that you do?

Hmm, I'm looking forsomething I like.

Alright, what was your last job?

Doing a little this, a little that.

Uh-uh, and... what is it, you know, you want to do?

I don't know, have younever noticed how smalljobs get boring pretty quick?

Yeah, yeah.

I would totally hire you, you know, if you didn'tfuck up my inventory.

[Violet laughing]

Could I have a disc?

[police car siren]

Shh!

[siren continues]

Good idea!

[screams]

[alarm ringing]

[both gasping]

Oh my god, I thinkl'm having a heart attack.

My stomach.

Silent alarm? I can afford a silent alarm, forget about it.

Why did I eat all that dessert?

That was fun.

Yeah, it wasn't badfor a Tuesday.

Um, so, if we can get back tothe car, can I give you a lift?

No, you go, I think we've got tosplit up for the night.

Well, what are you gonna do?

I'm just gonna lay low tillthe heat dies out, you know?

What? Just gonna hang in the yard?

I don't know, there's probablya Frisbee around here somewhere.

I'll be fine.

What are you doing?

Look at that, whole new guy.

Just remember, if they catch you, deny everything.

Alright.

Oh, Neil, you certainly give mea lot to think about.

I'll never rent fromthat video store again.

Tell me about it.

Not just because they almostcertainly have our picturebehind the counter...

[Neil] Alright, well... why?-Ah!

[Violet] Hey, Neal.

Neal, psst, hey, you.

Yeah?

[Violet whispers]We forgot the goodnight kiss.

I mean, you know, if you wantedthe goodnight kiss.

Yeah, sure.

Um...

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

[kissing]

[Violet] Okay. I'll catch you later.

Okay.

Tell you what, man, that was the weirdestfirst date I'd ever had.

Yeah, sounds to me like thatchick's cookoo for coco puffs.

I mean, did she havea tendency to mutterthings loud to herself?

No.

Alright, then she's not schizophrenic.

Did she have wild mood swings?

No, she was prettyconsistently out there.

Alright, then she's not bipolar.

Does she have an unusualtendency to count things?

Um, well, she did get a bitobsessed about the bill.

Yeah, but I mean, did she touchthe bill a lot, touch a lotdoorknobs, OCD style?

No.

Are we gonna play this game, or you just list off...

every diagnosis just to showme how much you knowabout psychology?

I'm pretty surethe girl isn't crazy?

Yeah, okay. You're gonna go outwith her again?

I don't know, I don't havea number and I don't knowwhere she lives.

You gotta Google her ass. That's what you gotta do.

I don't know her last name.-[man] Hello?

Oh, customer, I got it.-Alright, thanks, man.

Sorry.

Hey.-Hey.

I went inside to look for you, but you weren't there.

The store was totally empty, it was creepy.

I thought maybe you're havingthose promotional deals...

like you are in a special postapocalyptic movies or something.

Nah, I was just passing time.

Yeah?-Yeah.

Nice. Hey, do you knowhow to "dunk slam" it?

Yeah, I've been knownto "dunk slam" in my day.

Ah, nice steal.

I want to learn how to do it.

Okay, first of all, it's called a "slam dunk".

Yeah?

Wow![wall bangs]

You hear that?

You gotta take these things inbaby steps, today, you'll learnthat it's called a slam...

Oh shit!

Dunk.-This one'sfor all the marvels...

the world finals. Five, four, three, two, one!

Yes!

God's will! God's will!

Well, the ball has to be in theair when the clock runs out...

you count down the clock, and then you jump, so the game's over.

I'm pretty sure it's the player, as long as the player's in theair when the time runs out.

Uh, no, it's the ball.

I'm pretty sure it's the player.

It's the ball.

Um, but you can comedown now if you want.

No, you come up here.

It's nice, you'll like it.

Aren't your hands killing you?

Yeah.

Wanna go pool hopping?

Uh, no.

[laughs]

You carry binoculars?

Oh, yeah, you'll be surprisedhow often these babiescome in handy.

People are doing all sorts ofnasty things in privacyof their homes.

Seems unfair we shouldn'tget a peek at it, right?

Looks like the manager issaying they still can't findanything missing.

And the cop is saying maybethey are just some kidshaving some fun.

And the manager's saying thatfrom the security tape theydon't look like kids.

Although the female cooperatorseems quite fetching.

I suppose she could pass as acollege student in a TV show.

And the cop is like, "yeah, she was quite beautiful in aunique and fascinating way..."

almost like the sunriseon a misty morning".

Is this how most people getcaught coming back to the scene?

I have an idea, let's goto my store and watch a movie.

Oh, always with the movies... that's the differencebetween you and me...

I like you, Neil, but clearlyyou sit around and you'recontent to just watch...

and me, I have tobe doing something.

I'm perfectly aware right nowwhat I'm doing is sittingaround watching...

so don't botherpointing out the irony.

Huh-huh.

Don't get me wrong, last night was veryvery exciting...

and I guess this isexciting too...

and given that we're definitelygonna get busted sitting here, but...

can we just go?

Hmm, okay.

So where did you grow up?

Alaska, and Stockholmand Cape Town, but mostly Tasmania.

Wow, that sounds incredibly...-Exciting?

I was just gonna say made up?

So where did you go to school?

A mystery schoolfor young women.

[chuckles]

Hmm, that sounds hot.

Oh, yeah.

We all wore baby doll pyjamasand we had pillow fightsevery night.

And when Ms. Stern caught us, She doused us all with baby oil.

Terrific.

Terrific.

So do you live around here?-No.

Oh.-What?

Did you think we're going backto my place?

Slow down, Casanova.

No, I was just hoping to getsome confirmation that youactually live around here.

I can't shake off the feelingthat you're just blowing throughthe town like a carnival.

Well, I can't give my addressout to anybody, I'm sureyou'll understand.

Huh-huh.

Well.

I gotta go do some stuff.

OK, well, thanks for stopping bymaybe you'll stop by again.

Nah.

Actually, I'm ready to giveyou my phone number.

Cool.

I want you to be very carefulwith this number, Neil.

Sure, I'll memorize the numberAnd eat the paper, how does that sound?

I wouldn't recommend it. It's scented note paper.

You'd be better offflushing it down to the toilet.

Okay, I wasn't actually gonna dothat, but sure, I'll flush it.

You are a sweet heart.

[Lucien] Neil, what're you gonnado when this place goes tits up?

[Neil] I don't think it's gonnahappen for a few years...

not until people can getany movie they want to, directly in a TV set...

and I'm dead meat.

You should go back to school.

I mean, look at me. I have absolutely noconcept of the real world.

Hmm.

I think you need to find a wayto supplement your business.

You gotta turn this placeinto a single's club.

People come in here, they tellyou their favorite movies...

and you match them upwith the perfect mateusing that information.

Yeah, that's a great idea.

You can charge woman 100 bucks.

And no matter what theytell you, you just give themmy phone number.

If I set you up with someonewho likes Ben Affleck...

you'd throw her outof a moving car.

I don't know. Is she cute?

[John] Alright, this iswhat you gotta do?

You gotta turn this place intoa late night underground casino. Make some cash!

Lots of towns have thesesecret gambling clubs...

places making like50 grand a night.

Right, but if it's a secret, how do people know to come?

Uh, good question.

You let it leak outthrough word of mouth.

Well, then it's not a secretanymore and thenyou get busted.

That's why you have secretpassword, something likeice station zebra or rosebud.

No, no, no. You can't say rosebud, you'll ruin citizen Kane.

No, you don't, the only wayyou ruin citizen Kane is youtell people rose bud is a sled.

Rosebud is a sled?

Yes, it's a sled, it's the last shot out of... what film school do you go to?

How do you let people knowwhat the secret password is?

You let it leak outwhat the password is.

It's a secret.-Yeah.

Then it's not a secret, then you get busted.

He's right.-I think you're over-analyzing.

You can't have a secret...-I know you're over-analyzing.

Excuse me, excuse me, I'm looking for Neil Louis, the guy who owns this place.

That's him.-That's the guy.

That's me.

I'm Detective Lowenstein, this is Detective Barlow.

We were wondering if we couldhave a word with you.

Oh, sure.

Um, you want tocome into my office?

[Neil] Guys, can youhold down the fort?-Yeah.

You see that?

And you thought we don't livein a totalitarian society.

All you have to do is evenmention opening upa secret gambling joint...

the cops crack down.

Shut up.

What can I do for you, fellas?

So you ownand operate this store.

Yes, I do.

And you havejust this one store.

Yes.

So it must reallybe tough for you...

with these big franchise videostores bringing up every day, must really tick you off...

These big guys drivingyou out of business?

What's the dealwith the old costumes?

Oh, those... I use themfor promotions...

if we were doing any specialon classic horror films, I'll dress up as [illegible]

I think you like to play games, you little cock sucker.

We're not gonna beataround the bush, Mr. Louis.

We know that you vandalizedthe Media Giant video storeon Tuesday night.

You're in a shitloadtrouble, shitface.

You're actually ina very fortunate situation.

The person we're more interestedin is your accomplice.

My accomplice?

No, I mean...

Alright, cut themealy mouth act, shithead.

We want to talk about the girl.

We're willing to let youslide on this thing...

if you can just tell uswhere we can find the girl.

Why? I mean I barely know here. How come you guysare looking for her?

You don't ask thegoddamn question!

We ask the goddamn questions!

You don't need to knowwhat she did, Mr. Louis.

What you need is tell uswhere we can locate her.

Okay. I don't knowwhere she lives, I swear.

You obviously have some wayof contacting her.

A phone number, maybe.

No, no, she didn't give meany number.

Alright, enough with this shit.

You're gonna tell us whereto find the girl, or the onlycostume you'll be wearing...

is this one!

What are you doing?

You know goddamn wellwhat I'm doing.

Oh, yeah, I think you know. Alright, back off!

This is mine!-I tried.

Here he comes. Do it.

[laughing]

[laughing continues]

[laughing]

I owe you guys so big!

[laughing continues]

I met Tony at a Karaoke barand Rick is my next doorneighbor.

Don't they look like cops?

[laughing]

Oh, come on. You cannot be mad about that.

Are you kidding me?

I thought I was going to jail, I thought I was gonnalose the store.

Wasn't it wild?-I thought that guy was gonnado something to me.

You thought hewas gonna bugger you.

[laughing]

Jesus Christ.

But you didn't givethem my phone number...

even though you thought youwere gonna get buggered.

I didn't actually thinkhe's gonna really bugger me.

The whole good cop bad coproutine was a littleover the top.

You were so brave.

[Violet chuckles]

I gotta go homeand do some stuff.

What are you doing tomorrow?

I don't know, I'll probablyspend some time in the store.

I'll come visit you.

You can teach me the differencebetween thrillers and chillers.

[Violet laughing]

Hey, guys.

Oh, hey.-Hey.

Can you watch the storefor a while?

Could we order a pizza?-No.

Then yes, I will watch.

Alright.

Neil!-Neil, hi, cutie.

What are you doing?

This is good, you can settlean argument for us.

It's not really an argument.

It's a differenceof opinion anyway.

Okay, what is it?

What's happening? Where are you going?

What are you doing?

I'm following a girl, okay? It is important. What's up?

I think the baby should wearsunglasses so he doesn'tstare at the sun and go blind.

And you think that's stupid.

Yes, I do, I think it's stupid. Why would a baby stareat the sun?

Why wouldn't a baby stareat the sun? He is a baby, he doesn't know any better.

Get down, get down, get down.

[kid giggling]

You're killing me, buddy.

A baby wouldn't stare at the sunany more then it would holdhis breath and drop dead.

Thank you.

Is this whatmarried life is like?

[cats mewing]

[Violet] Kitties.

There you go.

Ha!-Fuck!

[laughing]

[laughing continues]

I'm sorry.

You'd be a lousy spy, Neil.

Oh, no, I wasn't.I wasn't spying.

You know, I'm totallycool with... the cats and everything.

I totally understand.

You know, wipe that lookof pity off your faceit's not my house.

My place is a dump, but it's a step upfrom this place.

Oh.-I'll be right out.

Okay. Okay.

I sneak over every now and thento make sure Mrs. Calmandoesn't forget to feed them.

I have this fear that I'llwalk in one day and they'll beeating her fingers and toes.

[Neil] Yeah.

I should have known it wasn'tyour place when I sawthat TV set.

I have a TV set, look.

Oh.

Do you ever think that if yougot a real TV set so that youwouldn't feel the need...

to go around playingall these adventures?

Hmm.

I like to think that becausel lead a life of adventurethat I don't need a TV set.

Besides, what has televisionsgot that I haven't got?

Game shows?

Hmm, I have a Monopoly sethere somewhere.

Except all of the pieces missingexcept for the top patand the little dog.

Hmm, ESPN Classic?

I don't know what that is.

I have somethingcalled a Space Channel.

Oh, really?

I also have some selectionof pornography channels

♪ Oh help me, I want to lay down. ♪

♪ Oh, help me ♪

♪ I want to lay down. ♪

♪ I follow my own song. ♪

♪ Oh I follow my own song. ♪

♪ And I screwed some fakes. ♪

♪ And I loved so soft. ♪

♪ The pink mountaintops. ♪

[Marcia] Hi.-Hi.

Hi, where are you going?

I'm going to the park.

We're going to the park, you come with us.

Well, I'm kind ofmeeting someone.

Ah, a new girlfriend, right?

The one that we stalkedthe other day?

Yes.-Yeah, can we meet her, please?

You want to meet her?

Yes, please.

I'm going to get the car.

[Marcia] Good times!

Um...

Child locks.

Hi.-Hi.

You brought friends.-Yeah.

Oh, are you nervousabout something?

You've got that stinkybreath people getwhen they are nervous.

No, it's just... they are very good quiet peopleand they have a baby...

Can you not do that?

Hi.-Hi.

Violet, this is Marcia, this is Buddy.

It's so nice to meet you.

Who is this?

This is Emerson.

Oh my gosh, can I hold him?

Of course you can.-I want to hold a baby.

Here you got him?-Yeah.

[everyone screams]

[everyone laughs]

Listen, we're so sorry thatwe're in on the date, but wejust really wanted to meet you.

No, don't be silly, there's plenty of food.

Plenty of food, Emerson!

This is nice, I'm so gladyou can join us.

Wow, you made food.

Let's see what we've got.

Now I wish I could sayl made all of this, but...

[laughs]

What are you up to?

Now this, I did make.

Oh my god, I love this. I have tried to make thisa couple of times...

and it always just sucks.

It's true.

Did you put LSD in the jello?

Oh my god, how did you know?

Believe it or not, the secret ingredient is salt.

Really?-Hmm-hmm.

I know it sounds gross, but it's true.

Not surprising, because there'sactually a lot of dessertrecipes that call for salt.

Really?-It's true.

It's amazing.

So you guys start...

I'm actually gonna goand feed the ducks.

[Marcia] Okay.

You are going away?

I love her.-Yeah.

[Buddy] She's a keeper.

Yeah.-[Marcia] And she's pretty.

Yeah.-She is a hell cat.

[laughing]

Hi, there.

Hello.-Hi.

Beautiful day, isn't it?

Yeah, it really is.

Oh, no.

Um... how come you guysare eating our food?

So what was the bet?

If the bucks won, I could shove a burritoin your face.

The last time you lost, I was supposed to get topiss on your foot.

I never did.

What are you waiting for?

You want to piss on my foot, be my guest.

Hey, Neil.-Yeah.

You want to see mepiss on his foot?

Sure, yeah, just not in the store.

Take your sneaker off.-Wait slow down.

Now listen, why don't we godouble or nothing ontonight's game?

I don't understandwhat I get if I win?

How do I double uppissing on your foot?

Both feet.

Oh, shit, I forgot about the game.

I'm supposed togo to Violet's tonight.

What? The pranksterdoesn't let you watch TV?

It's not that. It's just shelikes to act stuff out, like a scene I guess.

She couldn't bemore perfect for you.

You think so, right?

Too bad, man, it's gonnabe a great game.

I know, shit.

Are your friends mad at me?

No, they thought it was cute.

Um, so where isthe cat lady tonight?

I don't know, sometimes she goes out.

I think she's balling that guythat picks up aluminium cans.

Hmm.

Do you think we should goand check on the cats?

Not especially.

It's been dark over therefor a few hours now.

I think we should goand check on them.

What's your angle?

Why?

[commentator speaking on TV]

[Neil cheers]Yes!

[table bangs]Yes!

Sorry.

Wow, that was the first coolthing that happened all night.

Come on, that was amazing.

Wait, are you pissed becausel want to watch the game?

No, I just don't get it, if youlike basketball, we could be outplaying basketball right now.

We could be sneaking intoa high school gym, playingbasketball by candle light.

Yeah, no.

But sometimes, it's nice to do something...

that's fun notscrewy and weird.

You know?

[Violet sighs]

Whenever I'm in a cemeteryl tried to look for the graveof somebody...

who died the day I was born.

And then you steala headstone and dumped iton someone's doorstep.

No, just to gives yousomething to think about.

That guy is here, now he's gone and I'm here. I'm taking his place, you know?

Would he want me to sit aroundwatching TV all day?

No.

He would want me to run around, all sorts of shit.

Is this why you feel the need togo out and cause trouble?

I have a condition.

It's called bore-phobia.

Bore-phobia?

Bore-phobia.

I see, you'reallergic to boredom.

A very exoticand misunderstood disorder.

So you can understandwhy doctors are reluctant todiagnose it.

Hey look, you know, I...

I hear what you are saying.

And I wish I could bemore totally reckless, and I'm trying.

I mean, if you wannago nude hang-gliding, I'll go nude hang-gliding.

Really? Because I know this guy.

Not right now.-It's a guy...

But I could call him.

Not right now, just let me finish.

I want to those things, but justin a little more not insane way.

So I'll go nude hang-gliding...

but I just don't want togo to bed and then wake up...

and find myself in a hang-gliderwith no clothes on.

Are you okay with that?

I understand.

Good.

You want tocome back to my place?

I don't think so.

Are you upset with me?-No, not at all.

It's just you got in my head nowyou are getting on your clothesinto a hang glider without...

waking up, it's justmy wheels are spinning.

I just don't think you reallywant me to be in bed withyou tonight.

Right.

Fair enough.

[singing]

[singing continues]

Hey.-Hey.

A good crowd.-Yeah, it's a reallygood band tonight.

We've got the singerand the keyboard player fromthe American Sex Club.

They also get the guitarsand bass player fromthe Mustache Rides.

Plus, tonight they got thedrummer from Tard sitting in, so should be pretty bad-ass.

You lost me, dude.

Okay, look, the drummer isnormally in a band called Tard, tonight he is not, alright?

Alright, ...-Yeah, you go check it out.

It's probably better that way, learn from doing.

Neil, see you later.

So she likes musicians, huh?

[doorbell rings]

[singing]

Thank you and good night.

That was great.

Of course it was great, baby.

Why don't you get me a beer?

[Neil coughing][Violet laughing]

So, you do thiskind of thing much?

Balling guitar players? I don't usuallygo for musicians.

Really?

Why did you thinkthat I did, Neil?

Uh, I heardthat chicks dig musicians.

No, magicians, we go nuts for magicians.

Get the wax out of your ears.

Oh?

So you never dated a musiciannot even that guy that I saw youwith at Baltimore Jacks?

I always know when youare spying on me.

I get a little warm spot on theback of my neck right here.

That was for my benefit?

[laughing]

You're a sicko.

Maybe, but I managed tobring out a rock star in you.

I've dated a few musiciansbut I swore off.

Really, why is that?

Well, first, there wasGarry Leathers.[illegible]

[Neil] At least he hada great stage name.

Except that wasn't a stage name.

Garry Leather's just a givenname, stage name wasRandy Cocks.

[laughs]Nice.

And then there wasRick Niamacus.

Rick's all the ambition in lifewas play the entire guitarssolo from hot for teacher.

[guitar playing]

Once in a day, he did it.

After more than ten years, he finally nailed it.

And after filling his ambitionin life, there is really onlyone thing left for him to do...

[screaming]

[Violet] Oh god! Oh my god!

Wow.-Hmm.

And that put you offfor musicians forever.

No, but you would think so.

Finally there was Garth Bodka.

Gigantic bald, musical prodigy from Poland.

See I thoughtRock and Roll was a problem...

but this classically trainedgargantuan was ten timesworse than the rest.

[Neil] Hmm, and how did that go?

[Violet] Hmm, he's been chasingme all over the countryfor the last three years.

I move to another city, he follows me and breaksdown my door.

I move to somewhere else, he tracks me down again, breaks down my door again.

I'm tired, I'm gonna go to bed. Good night.

Here you go.-I'll take this.

Yeah?-Yeah, I'll take this.

Okay.

Steve Jackson.

It's a nice generic nameyou've got there, Steve.

I guess.

Interesting accent.

Where's the accent from?

Wyoming.-Right.

You catch the gamelast night, Steve?

I think Lakers are gonnawin it all again this year.

Just like they did last year.

Yeah.

Lakers didn't win the championlast year, Steve.

Can I just get my card please?

[Neil sighs]

Remember when you werewondering why we don't havemany customers?

[movie playing]

[man laughing]

[laughing continues]

That's him. That's the guy.

What are you talking about?

Alright, knock it off! You crazy fucking polark!

[audience applauding]

I got my eye on you, alright?

You ever set foot anywherenear Violet, I will personallyshit down your throat.

You got it?

What was that?

Oh, oh man.

Violet, she's playing thesetricks on me, she tries toget inside of my mind...

She thinks it's funny, so shetells me this guy after her...

this bald guy, ex-boyfriend.

Shh!

Try to watch the movie.

You're the polark.

You're Polish?

Jerry Lucy is gonnamake a salad.

Hello.[door knocking]

Violet?

Hello?

[door knocking]Violet!

Violet!

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Jesus!-Neil!

[Violet screams]

Jesus, Violet.

[screams]

This is bullshit.

[screams]

[screaming continues]

Come on now. I get it.

[gasps]

Fuck, fuck.

Okay, okay, okay.

[Neil screams]

You said no onewas gonna get hurt.

What was in your jacket?

God, Neil, you and your video tapes.

I'm sorry he hurt your headyou think you can make it homealright?

Yeah, I'm okay.

Nice to meet you.-Nice to meet you too.

Denis.

Pa-pa.

[chuckles]

You know every time I see youl feel I'm in one of thosehidden camera shows?

It's not so bad, people lovethose shows, right?

No. I don't love those shows. I hate those shows.

I mean what wasl supposed to do tonight, huh?

What was supposed to happen?

I don't know! Whatever you want to do.

You are the guy who sitsaround all day watchingthis kind of shit on TV.

What does the guy on TV do?

What do you mean watch thiskind of shit? How do you knowwhat I am watching?

Oh my god, do you spy on me?

Da.

[chuckles]

That is crazy!-Why?

Come on, you can't seehow crazy that is?

There is not one guy in theworld would go out with a girlwho spies on him.

But we're not going out, we're getting toknow each other.

We're finding outabout each other.

Frankly, there's no better wayto know somebody than to catchthem in their unguarded moments.

Everybody can say all the rightthings on those first few dates.

I find that's an effective wayto cut through the bullshit.

And you followed mejust the other day.

Well...-Uh-huh.

Yes, I followed.

Look, you were being cagey, you were practically beggingme to follow you home.

I'm not one of those insecuregirls who runs around spyingon a boyfriend...

because she thinks hemay be cheating on him. That is just sad.

No, you definitelyproject confidence.

Yeah, yeah.

I happen to thinkl'm a real catch...

so why shouldn't I be thoroughabout who I go out with?

Yes, so I watched youand I find out you area very decent person.

You are.

So if it's the spyingthat bothers you, I promiseto put down my binoculars.

Unless you want to gobird-watching in whichl would gladly do.

Even though it soundskind of boring.

Um...

No, I'm sorry, I can't... I can't...

[door bangs]

Oh, man.

[Lucien] I still say that Koreansnuff cartoons are much betterthan Japanese death-match anime.

[John] I say the Japanesedeath-match anime...

is much, much betterthan Korean snuff cartoons.

I still say that Korean snuffcartoons are much better thanJapanese death-match anime.

You're crazy!

Japanese death-match animeis so much better thanKorean snuff cartoons.

You're crazy!

Korean snuff cartoons...-Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

Excuse me, you guys have anyJapanese death-match anime?

Yes, but we can't talk about it, because our boss broke upwith his girlfriend.

I think I'm gonna leaveyou guys alone.

Hey.

Have you ever seen anyKorean snuff cartoons?

No.-Yeah, nobody has. It's garbage.

Hi Neil!-Hi.

How is it going?-Good, good, how are you?

Good, you look good.-I know, thank you.

You do too.-Thanks

It's so funny I was justthinking about you.

Is that a fact?-Yeah.

Hey, you.-Oh, hey.

This is Chad.

Chad.-Hi.

This is the guy I was justtelling you about.

Your old boyfriend?

Yeah, guilty.

They guy that let the waiterthrow a bucket of wateron you?

First of all, it wasn't a bucketand I was just trying to observefrom a distance her reaction...

Sounds like a perv to me.

That's cool.

So you were just hangingin the bushes and jerking offlike some pathetic peeping tom?

We should definitelyget together some time.

[Lucien] Last but not least, there's a letter...

from a place calledMovie Dork Videoin San Clement.

This guy is going underand he needs to liquidate.

So he wants 3000 bucks.

And if we buy everything for3000 bucks, he'll give usfree shipping, which is great...

but obviously, there's a lot ofcrap here we don't need, like8 copies of Ernest Ghosts camp.

But he does have some stuffthat we don't have.

So we could just take everythingand save on the shipping, which is not a bad idea...

or we can cherry-pickand...

[DVDs banging]

We can do this later, if you want.

Oh, god, Lucien. She's ruined it for me, Lucien.

It's all so boring now.

Hey, let's put in a movie.

No, no more movies.

It's no use, it's notenough anymore, you know?

It's just all so mundaneand so predictable, Lucien.

Oh, hey, look. It's Jason.

Jason is gonna come in here...

and he's gonna hand me a packageand then he's gonnahand me his thing...

And I'm gonna sign the thingand hand it right back to himand he's gonna get in his truck.

He's gonna drive off.

Woo... it's so predictable, Lucien.

It's not enough anymore.

You know, where is the... where's the adventure, you know?

There is no adventure, man.

Where is the adventure, Lucien?

You signed "Neil Adventure".

I did?

Crossed out "Adventure", you wrote "Adventure" again...

What does it matter, Jason?

Huh?

Matters because I'mresponsible for any package...

that doesn't have a validsignature of receipt.

Jesus Christ.- I don't make the rules.

Lighten up, Jason.

[phone ringing]

[phone ringing]

[ringing continues]

Gumshoe Video.

Do you guys have westerns?

Yes, we do.

OK, I really want to rent a couple of Westerns, but I only have enough money for one.

As it happens, we're actuallydoing a special tonight, which means you can get...

Here is the thing, I only feel comfortable renting the Westerns from a guy dressed as a cowboy.

Do you have anybody there dressing like a cowboy?

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

[phone ringing]

Gumshoe Video.

Why did you hang up on me?

Um, I guess I'm nevergonna learn huh?

I know, it's brilliant.

So I wonder how you knewwhat I was wearing.

Don't bother looking out the window, I'm actually at work.

You have a job?

Yeah, you wanna come pick me up from work?

Um... well, I was gonnagive the store open foranother hour, so...

You have to come now.

Yeah, I guess I could... I guess I could come now.

Parking lot behind the bookstore and then walk north up the alley.

Hmm, this sounds dubious.

Oh, it's very dubious.

There is a stair leading up to the door on the second floor.

Doorway to the second floor, got it.

[door creaks]

When you get to the door, you're gonna give it three long knocks and three short knocks.

Three long knocks, three short knocks, got it.

And Neil, you absolutely have to keep the cowboy outfit on.

[Violet chuckles]

[door banging]

[man laughs]

Oh, hey, take it easy, brother.

Just take it easy.-Wait, man.

Hey.-Hang on.

You hang on.-Hang on.

Come on.

Okay, cow boy, just be cool, alright?

Don't do anything crazy.

God damn it, Glenn, just give him the cash!

Alright, nobody needs toget hurt, okay?

Okay, guys?

Alright, Glenn.[clearing throat]

Why don't you just tossthat pouch over herereal nice and easy like?

[Neil] Then we'll justtake it from there.

Good.

Now you stay right there, I'm just gonna take a look atthe little Missy here.

What the hell is going onin here, Glenn?

Be careful, Andy, he's got a gun.

How did he get in here, Glenn?

We let him in, Andy.

Why did you let him in, Glenn?

He used the secret knock, Andy.

I told you the secret knockwas a bad idea!

No, you didn't.-Yes, I did!

I said as soon asyou leak it out, it's not a secret anymore!

No, that's what you said aboutthe secret password, Andy.

It's the samegoddamn thing, Glenn!

Alright, guys, I get it, I get it.

Andy, come on, Andy.

I get it, come on.

Why don't you stepover there behind the desk...

Damn it, Glenn!-Andy!

What's he wearing?

What does it look like?

It looks like a dress.-No, it's a poncho.

He's obviously a cowboy, you've never seena cowboy before?

So what have you guysgot going on here, huh?

[crowd talking]

Holy shit!

An underground black jack club.

Bang!

Hey, you look like the good, the bad and the ugly.

Come here, poncho!

After him!

Faster!

[Glenn grunts]

Shit!

Bang!

Glenn! Glenn!-Andy, what?

What are you doing?

I'm washing myself, I'm cooling down, I'm hot.

What happened toyour head, you okay?

I fell down.

You okay?

No, I'm not okay, I've got a headache.

[windows banging]

Hey.

Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god! Do you know what we did?

Listen, Neil, it wasn't supposedto be dangerous, the ownerwasn't supposed to be there...

I never thought for a minutethat somebody was gonnashoot at you.

Holy shit, that was the wildestthing I've ever donein my whole life.

How many people can say they'vedone something like that?

I thought you'd never want tosee me again.

Are you kidding me?

There was like20,000 dollars in this bag.

How long have youbeen planning this? I mean, this is genius.

Wait, you know I think thatthey think it's an inside job.

Because if they do, you should quit right away, no!

Not right away, you should tellthem that you suffer from somekind of post-traumatic stress.

That way, they won'tsuspect anything.

I'm serious, Neil.

I thought you wouldn'twant to have anythingto do with me after this.

We need to find a way to getmy car back, good thing you toldme to park it up the street.

I guess I can have Luciengo get it, right?

What is it? My cut? Is that my cut, baby?

How does this work?

I guess you're the brains, I'm the monkey wrench, yeah?

Yeah?

You know what I hate aboutall those old detective moviesyou always watch?

No, what?

It's always so obviousthe dame was up to no good.

It always turns outthe girl's playing the guyfor a sap every time...

and everybody knows itexcept for the poor sap.

No, there are some good movieswhere the dame turns outto be alright.

Uh, Key Lago for instance.

You're the nicest guyl've ever met.

And I'm a terrible person.

♪ Out on the wall sounds of banging is constant coming from your head ♪

♪ And desperate the calls came and ringing from those wanna wring your neck ♪

♪ Your neck ♪

[Neil sobbing]

♪ Open your mouth sounds of breathing found it spilling from your face ♪

[sobbing]

♪ Best to be dim to be humble of traffic stepping on your name ♪

♪ Count on... ♪

♪ Us all falling our own swords tonight ♪

[sobbing]

♪ Chilling walk home down the portions roads there leading straight to your place ♪

♪ And look like the tin can with swallows the kitchen plugging up your space ♪

♪ Count on us all stepping on ♪

♪ Our own toes tonight ♪

Are you never gonna stopfalling for this shit?

What?

What?

What?

What're you doing to me, Violet? Why are you doing this?

Why are you like this?

Because I really like you.

Give me a break.-No, I'm crazy about you.

I believethe first half of that.

I'm just tryingto protect myself.

It doesn't make any sense.-It doesn't?

Let me guess, you've neverbeen in a relationship longerthan a year, right?

Fifteen months.-Fifteen months before youstart to get restless...

just one year before you startedto look at your girlfriend likeshe's an old comfortable shoe.

Because she is not... or...[illegible]

It's just a matter of timebefore zip out the door, nice knowing you, right?

Does it make me crazy, becausel never want you to look at melike an old comfortable shoe.

You're the sweetest, most interesting, most creative guy I've ever met.

But you're fundamentallyscrewed up, I mean...

you've spent half ofyour life hanging outwith fictional characters...

and what woman canlive up to that?

Oh.

And I shouldpoint out, Neil, that...

it takes two to tango, I mean, if you are not the most gullibleson of a bitch I've ever met...

I wouldn't feel obligedto do these things to you.

Give me a break, you're likethe baby that nevergets tired of peek-a-boo.

Every time it's like you'venever seen this trick before.

Maybe you're right, maybe I'm some kind ofsick, twisted baby but...

come on, how canthis possibly work?

How can people live like this?

And how do I knowyou're not gonnavanish in a couple of days?

That's easy, just don'tlet me out your sight.

I mean how do I know, I'm notgonna end up in a bathtub of icewater with my liver taking out.

It's either spending your lifewondering whether I'm goingto steal your liver...

or try to find a womanyou'll never take for granted, you choose.

Can a person livewithout his liver?

What do I look like, the surgeon general?

Okay.

Put some clothes on, you gotta take a ridein the new car.

Come on!

Wait, um...

Neil, come on!

Hurry, hurry, hurry! Come on!

Wow!-Ta-da!

Ha-ha, you... you spent all thatmoney on a car?

You think I want to walkaround the rest of my lifelooking like a schmuck?

Well, I like it.

Yeah?-Yeah.

And I didn't spend all the moneynot even close, that was a lotof money we stole.

Hey, I stole.

Yeah, well, there is enoughmoney left for a week in Vegas.

Oh, I don't even want to thinkabout the kind of troubleyou'll get me into in Vegas.

Puerto Vallerta?

No, no, no, Mexican prisons, I've heard stories.

Mount Rushmore.

Defacing a national monument five to ten years.

Graceland.

Graceland, huh?

Hey, um, you'regonna let me drive?

How come?

I just have this image of youpulling a Thelma & Louise and phew...

[chuckles]