All language subtitles for Daddy.Day.Care.2003.1080p.WEBRip.x264-TrIpLeM

* Ow!

* Hmm, yeah

Good morning, Daddy.

Hey, hey. Ben,
how you doing, man?

Oh!

Oh, God.

Oh! Daddy's got
to get ready for work.

Can't you stay home?

No. I got a big day
at work today. Real big day.

Kim.

Where's my cell phone?

It's with my crayons.

It's not supposed
to be with the crayons.

There you go, sweetie.

Ok, now, where's my beeper?
Has anybody seen my beeper?

Oh, here it is.

Right by the grape juice.
I wonder how it got there.

Are those my note cards
that I've been working

all night on?

I've been up all night
and now they're,

Now they're all sticky.

Sorry, baby.

Yeah.

- Sorry.
- Yeah.

- Bye-bye.
- Yeah, I'll see you later.

Oh, oh, don't forget
about the orientation today.

The what?

Chapman Academy? The preschool?

Oh, ok.
Yeah, yeah, right. Ok.

Is there any way
we could reschedule that?

Oh, you know, maybe we
shouldn't reschedule that.

Maybe we should
take care of business

and be responsible parents.

Don't worry.

Don't be late.

I will not be late.

Promise?

I won't be late.

Ok, see you later.

Hey, did he promise?

He sure did.

Hey, what's going on?

Your worst nightmare.

What?

Mr. Broccoli's a no-show.

He got a call-back
on a potato chip commercial.

These snack foods
are killin' us!

Yeah, I know.

Marvin!

Yeah?

Marvin.

The guy who smells the mail?

Look, we need a guy
to wear a broccoli suit,

not a normal person.
Marvin, my man!

My friend, Marvin. Hey,
what's goin' on today?

Listen, I need a little favor.

We're having a little
focus group in here,

and the guy who's supposed
to wear broccoli suit left.

I was wondering if you'd put
the suit on and cover for us?

No.

Oh, I can't do the broccoli
because it's just not me. Sorry.

Hey, can I be
the carrot, though?

Yeah, yeah,
you could be the carrot.

Let him try
your carrot on.

No.

Yeah, you can be the broccoli.

No, I don't want to be a bush.

It's not a bush,
it's a stalk of broccoli.

It's a strong stalk of broccoli.

Yeah, I'm pretty strong.

Yeah, you can make that work.

Go in here and go
and switch this suit on,

and get the broccoli.

Trust me on this.
Ok, let's go.

* B-R-O-C-C-O-L-I!

* I am the broccoli
and don't know why! *

* C-A-R-R-O and a "T"!

* Carrots are healthy
for you and me! *

No, I don't want to.

Hello, boys and girls!

Zowie! Do we have
a special treat

for you today!

"Hey! We have
a brand-new cereal!

You're the first kid--"

Help!

Ugh!

It's super yummy.
And loaded...

Phil, help me, ah!

With all sorts of stuff
that's good for you.

And do you know
what we call it?

Veggie-Os!

this cereal sucks!

They're turning on us.

Give it a chance.
Let it get in their mouth.

They got to taste it.

No, no.

Take that!

Help me, Charlie!

- Not in the face!
- Save yourself, Carrot!

Call security now.
Oh, sh...

Hey, oh, hey, stop that!

I guess we better
go in, Pooch.

Your daddy will come
a little later.

Come here,
let me see you.

Hey!

I am so sorry, baby.
I am sorry.

Things got crazy at work.
Hey, what's going on, man?

Look at this place.
This is Princeton

for preschoolers.

Let's just hurry up
so we won't be late

for the orientation.

Hey, what's the
orientation about?

It's a preschool,
they'll play

with blocks.

Yeah.

Unbelievable.

Language skills
are a critical component

here at Chapman.

They're part
of our core curriculum.

- You must be Charles.
- Oh, please call me Charlie.

- Nice to meet you.
- How do you do?

- This is my wife, Kim.
- Hi.

Kimberly. I'm Miss Harridan,
the headmistress.

And this is Ben.

Well, how do you do,
Benjamin?

Oh, come on,
little man.

It's a pleasure
to meet you.

Shall we begin?

Look at their little outfits.
I like that.

They're cute.

We find uniforms reinforce
the sense of structure.

Oh, yes,
structure's good.

Our philosophy
is that a child

is like a climbing vine.

With structure to cling to,
and the right gardener

to tend them,

they'll grow to the sky.

Sorry.

So, Mrs. Hinton,

you're returning to work?

Lawyer,
I believe your file said.

Uh, yeah, actually,
I haven't practiced yet.

We just had Ben
when I finished law school.

Still a little nervous
about leaving him.

Oh, all mothers are.
But you needn't worry.

Our little seedlings
are in very good hands.

Turn the darn phone off.

It's off, it's off.

And attack!

Now mark your books,
number five.

Cat is to mouse
as frog is to...

Are they doing S.A.T. prep?

It's never too early
to start.

Nest.

That's right. Nest.

I thought you turned
your cell phone off.

It's not my cell phone,
it's my 2-way.

Oh, no. This is bad.

Go ahead.

Ok. Thank you, baby.

Um, I am terribly sorry.
I have an emergency at work,

and I gotta get going.

I understand.

I'm sorry.

Hey, little man.

Daddy's got to get going,

but I'm gonna see you later on,
ok?

You want to do
the rocket ship?

Yeah, come,
let's do the rocket ship.

Sorry about all the noise.

Here you go.
Go to mommy.

I'll see you later.
Thank you for your time.

I'm so sorry.
He's trying out

a new product at work.

Hmm, well,
no need to apologise.

Diligence always sets
a fine example.

Oh, Jenny.
Just in time.

Here's a copy
of our curriculum

and a list of your
financial obligations.

This is the price
per year?

Per month.

You know, Ben is starting
preschool today.

- Oh, yeah, where at?
- Over at that Chapman Academy.

Ah, the Marine Corps
of day care.

Max goes there.

Really? What do you
think of that place?

It's not like you got
much choice. You got Harridan

and her merry fembots, you got
Idiot von Idiot and their School

for Children Who Like Accidents.

Fellows, fellows,
numbers just came in for

chocolatey chocolate balls.

Through the roof!

That's a big surprise.
You hear that, Phil?

Kids like chocolate.

Ice cream, too.

Ok, sorry, I forgot I was
talking to the granola-heads

from the natural food division.

Now, what was the stinker
you guys got saddled with?

It's not a stinker.
It's called Veggie-Os, and

it's the cereal of the future.

Right, Veggie-blows. I thought

they were killing that.

Jerry! Yo, Jerry!

Catch the numbers on the
chocolatey chocolate balls?

Through the roof, baby!

What does he mean,
"killing that"?

Why you listening to Bruce?
Nothing's being killed.

You know this guy's a clown.

If something was going down,
we would know about it.

We're killin' it.

Hey, come on, Jim.

We had one bad test.

And it's a hard nut to crack.

Any fool can sell
chocolatey chocolate balls

and cotton candy-flavoured
cereal to kids, man.

Cotton candy.
That's, that's not bad.

Hey, guys, look.
I'm sorry, but it was a dog.

Kids just don't want to eat
vegetables for breakfast.

Who knew?

It's exactly what I told
you six months ago when

you put us on this project.

You did?

Well, it's not just Veggie-Os.

We, we're shutting down
the whole health division.

That's like 300 people.

Yes, it's just not
a business we want to be in.

So, where are we
being reassigned?

So, Pooch, how was your
first day at school?

Ok.

Just ok?

I don't know anybody there.

Oh, well, give it some time.
You'll make some friends.

How about you, baby?
How was your day?

I lost my J-O-B.

You lost your J-O-B?

I got F-I-R-E-D.

Me and 300 other people.

They cannot do that!
What about Jim Fields?

Can't he do somethin'?

Jim Fields is the one
that pulled the trigger.

Now he's not gonna be
inclined to do anything,

'cause when I found out
it was him, I told him

to take a flying F...

Charlie!

H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O-P.

Don't worry about this.

I'm a guy in demand,
and I'll have

a new job in a week.

A week.

Hey, what if we use
the emergency fund?

[sighs] We can't.
We already used it

on the car payment.

Ok.

There's no way around it.

We gotta pull Ben out
of Chapman, it's just

too much money. Look.

Then what are we gonna
do for child-care?

Are you gonna
stay home with him?

No, I'm not gonna
stay home with him.

Look, we just gotta find
something more affordable,

that's all.

This is the right address.

You gotta be kidding me.

Hey, we can at least
check it out, you know.

Ben is not goin' here.

Looks can be deceiving.
Let me take a look.

Looks can be deceiving?
We're in a trailer park!

Yes?

I might have made a mistake,
I'm looking for the preschool.

Oh-ho, yes, it is.

[coughing]

Welcome to the...

Sorry.

Welcome to
the Touch of Eden Preschool.

- Can I help you?
- Oh, uh, no, thank you.

Is this the right address, here?

I think so.

- Hi!
- Hello.

We keep the children
right around here.

Go ahead.
After you, ma'am.

Ok.

Where'd you get the address
of this place?

No, you picked
this place.

We should report
this to somebody.

All right, that's what
I'm talking about.

See, I knew there
had to be at least

one decent place in town.

- Yeah, it looks all right.
- Yeah.

This is the police.

We have you surrounded.

Oh, shit! Go!

All right, Charlie.
Give up the keys.

I don't know
where the keys are.

- D-don't even try it.
- I don't know where the keys
to the Benz are.

- Why not drive the minivan?
- No. We already talked about this last night.

You're staying home with Ben.
I'm driving the Mercedes.

You're gonna have
me driving around town

in the dumb minivan all day.

Is the top down?

Hey, you know what, Kim?

Just be careful.
Don't just park it anyplace.

And, and be careful getting
in and out of the car.

Don't get any dings
in the door, you know.

And make sure... Come here.

Make sure you put
the good gas in there,

'cause if you put in
the cheap stuff,

it's gonna make the engine
start knocking,

and I don't want that.

And you don't leave milk
inside the car

with the windows rolled up.

Always buckle up the car seat.

Don't park in the sun
or the seats will get too hot.

Oh, and no juice unless
it's in a sippy cup.

Bye, baby.

Hey, can you give a call, let us
know what time you'll be back?

[engine starting]

Because we'll be here waiting,
just the two of us.

Bye, Mum.

(Charlie) Not too fast!

See you later.

When's Mummy coming back?

She'll be back
around dinnertime, Mummy.

Is dinnertime soon?

No, but don't you worry.

We're going to have a lot of
fun.

But we need Mummy to have fun.

Wow. What are you trying, just
break me down in the driveway?

Why you want to break your
father down like that?

- I'm sorry.
- That's better.

'Cause you broke me
down smooth just now.

- My eyes welled up...
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Ok, you made my eyes well up.

- Ok.
- Look at my eyes.

I see your eye twitching.

We're going to have fun!

Yes!

Do you know
how to change a diaper?

Yeah, but wait, I thought
Max was potty-trained.

Believe me, so did I.

Don't do that to me!
What are you...

He's throwing things at me,
and it smells.

I really need your help!

Are you potty-trained?

Yes.

You got to go stinky?

Yes.

Then, go on.
Go stinky, then.

[people chattering]

You have a nauseous ache
in the pit of your stomach

that you're a
worthless failure?

We are worthless failures.

Hey, guys.

- Hey, Peggy. How you doing?
- Good.

What's going on, Nicky?

Yeah, he--he can be a little
hard to understand sometimes.

Yeah, honey, go play.
Have a good time, have fun.

And listen, stay away
from that cat poop, ok?

Hija? What is that?
What'd he just say?

Oh, my God,
I haven't a clue.

The doctor says it's just a
phase he's going through, but...

Well, it kept him
out of Chapman.

Jerks.

Max! Max!
Put that mouse down!

Give it to me!

Oh, what are you...

You know something, Charlie,
I think it's great, you guys

being full-time dads.

Yeah, we're real
giants among men.

Seriously. You are. You
should be proud of yourself.

Most guys I know don't even
know who their kids are.

So Joe still hasn't
found anything?

No, and he's
driving me crazy.

I should go back to work,
but what am I going to do

with Nicky?

Dead mouse.
Dead mouse.

There's no good alternative
to that Chapman joint.

Dead mouse, dead mouse,
dead mouse.

I tell you somethin',
if someone opened

a decent day care
program around here,

they'd make a killing.

Nicky, what did I say
about the cat poop?

What?

A day care center?
You and me?

Yes, Phil, this is a
completely underserved market.

Harridan has a monopoly
on this whole suburb.

All we have to do
is just come in,

and establish ourselves
as the value alternative,

and we'll clean up!

You think I'd be good
at taking care of kids?

Absolutely.

Excuse me?
Are these your kids?

No.

Remember when
you broke my yo-yo?

I did not break your yo-yo.

Yes, you did.

I did not break your yo-yo.
Your yo-yo was broke.

You're killin' me.
You're really killin' me.

Hey! I'm home!

Ooh!

You said let's do this together.

- No, Daddy!
- And now you're saying I'm killing you.

What's going on here?

A day care centre.
In our house?

Yes, Phil's apartment's
too small.

It's only a 2-bedroom place.

Charlie, this is crazy
on like 10 different levels.

What do you and Phil know
about running a day care?

This is not rocket science.

We applied for a license
the other day.

It couldn't be
any more simple.

Daddy.

Ok, what you want?
The rocket ship?

Ok, that's what
you wanted, right?

Milk.

Oh, you wanted milk?
I'm sorry. He wanted milk.

Yeah, 'cause rocket man needs
milk when he's flying around.

It's for strong bones,
in case you crash, right?

We understand each other.
What you think about this?

I think we're talking about
other people's children, here.

Do you know what type of
responsibility that is?

I'll be as careful
with them as with Ben.

Oh, hey, don't be running
your head into stuff.

Watch where you're walking.
What's the matter with you?

What'll you do
when you get a real job?

You're just gonna
leave the parents hanging?

Hey, we'll cross that
bridge when we get to it.

Look, this is not gonna be
permanent. All right?

We're not gonna get rich
from this, but it might

keep us out of bankruptcy.

I don't know, Charlie.

Come on, look, Kim.

I can't just
sit around here.

I got to try to do somethin'.

Come on. I need this.

I guess you better start
handing out those fliers.

All right.

- It makes much more sense--
- Me, too.

Ok, you want me
to give you a hug?

Here's a big hug. Group hug.

Excuse me.
When you get a chance...

Here you go,
Daddy Day Care.

Hey, little karate guy.
Daddy Day Care, karate girl.

Hello! Daddy Day Care.

- Hello, how are you?
- Hiya!

God!

Here you go.
If you get a chance...

* Won't you please
let me back in your heart *

- Hi.
- Hi.

* Oh, baby, all I need

When you get a chance,
have a look at that.

Thank you.

If it's not too much trouble,
when you get a chance...

* Back in your heart

* Oh, darlin',
I was blind to let you go *

[groaning]

* But now since I see
you in his arms *

"Warm, nurturing,
experienced parents

providing exceptional child-care
at affordable prices."

Hmm.

You know, the "experienced" part

is what I have
to take issue with.

I give it three days.

So, you two guys are running
a day care center?

You're signing up people
at a lemonade stand

on the front lawn?

Wow, that's...
Good luck with that.

Come on, Paul.

Hey! Hey, wait a minute.

Don't you believe in equality
amongst the sexes?

Can't men do everything
women can do?

No, no, we can't.
It's unnatural.

A little bit eeky.

You're guys?

What did you think
Daddy Day Care meant?

I thought maybe one guy.
Not nothing but guys.

I just thought
it was a clever name.

Is this the
day care place?

They're guys.
They're all guys.

They're what?

Excuse me. Listen.

We are two loving,
caring parents,

and we run a day care centre.

A couple of sickos
is what you are!

Don't be--
Hey, Miss, hey,

how about a free trial offer?

Sickos!

Uh-oh. Dear, dear.

Come on!

Hi, Peggy! Hi, Nicky.
How you doin'?

Hi! Nicky is so excited
for his big day.

Nicky, how old
are you, hon'? Oh, yeah, five.

Ok, I got it.

Wait. You're gonna leave
Nicky here with these guys?

Yeah. Oh, come on, you have
trouble with them being guys?

What are you,
from the Dark Ages?

Aren't you for all that
gender equality

and all that jazz?

Peggy, come on.
Of course we are.

Ok. So can't women do what men
do and men do what women do?

These guys can do the job.

What, are you gonna
vouch for these two?

Yeah, I'll vouch
for these guys.

(both)
Yeah, yeah.

Ok, ok, ok. Just--
I'll try it.

You're gonna do it?

They'll have a great time.

- Ok.
- Right, kids?

You're a real lifesaver.

You know what?
You screw this up, I'm gonna

kill you with my bare hands.

Here, now, go to Phil.

No, I don't wanna go.

Come on. Let go.
I don't wanna go!

He's got a little bit
of separation anxiety.

Oh, Dylan!

Don't want...

I just stopped
breastfeeding.

I'd freak out, too.

- If you could just grab a leg.
- I don't wanna go.

- All right.
- Here we go. Come on.

- Here we go.
- Come on, Dylan.

- All right, sweetie.
- I don't wanna go.

Ok. Ok.

Ow! Let--

Come on. Let go of Mum!
Let go of Mum!

- I don't wanna go.
- Let go. Wow.

Thank you. Oh, man.

No lactose, no peanuts,
no shellfish.

Nothing high in fructose.

Or sucrose or dextrose.

Or maltodextrose.

Nothing with red dye
number 6.

Or number 4.

Or yellow dye number 2.

Will you say "maltodextrose"
for me again? So cute.

Maltodextrose.

Ma-maltodextrose.

Or yellow dye number 2.

Two, right.

His name's Crispin.

My man, Crispin!
How's it goin' there, big guy?

What time's pickup?

At 5:00.

Hmm, I have laser treatment.
Make it 6:00.

Sorry about the outfit.
He won't take it off.

How long has he been
wearin' that?

Couple of weeks.

Now who are you gonna call

if there are any problems,
sweetie?

911, Mummy.

That's such a good girl.

Come on. Come on.
Come on, Dylan!

I'll let you hold my keys.

How about Life Savers?
You like Life Savers?

How about money?
A dollar?

Ah!

Yeah! A dollar.

Hmm.

You are a smart man.
That is yours. All right.

Welcome to Daddy Day Care.

We're your team facilitators.
My name is Charlie

and this is Phil.

Ok, anybody ever seen
a mission statement before?

Here. Everybody take one.
Take a mission statement.

- Me!
- Here we go. One for everybody.

Slow down.

All right. Ok.

Now, who wants to be first one

to read the first sentence

on the mission statement?

Ok, how about you?

I don't read yet.

Ok, I'm looking
for someone who can read.

Ok, now, by a show of hands,

how many of you guys
can already read?

Ok, uh, raise your hand

if you don't know how to read.

Ok. Here's what
we're gonna do.

I'm gonna read
the mission statement aloud,

and what I want you guys
to do is just follow along

as I read
the mission statement. Ok?

Doesn't that sound like fun,
interesting fun? Here we go.

"As the members
and facilitators

of the Daddy Day Care team,

we will collectively
strive to provide..."

Ok, Sean, don't--don't eat
the--the mission statement.

Get that out of your mouth.

"...will collectively
strive to..."

And don't you rip the mission
statement, Little Flash,

because it's a very important
document-- Hey!

N-now, come here.
Hey! Come back here!

Ok. Uh, so, what he's
really trying to say is...

Stop runnin'! Stop runnin'!

Come here! Come here!

Hey, come back here!
One second.

Ok, up? You want
the rocket ship?

One more?

Rocket ship! Rocket ship!

Everybody'll get
the rocket ship.

Slow down,
slow down, everybody.

Slow down!

I thought you said
this was gonna be easy.

You know what
I'm thinking now?

That it was a huge mistake?

Yeah, you know, Phil,

I never quit anything in life,

but I'm not sure how much
longer I can take this.

I'll be right back.

- Hey, where you goin', man?
- Trust me!

Help me do the rocket ship.

Rocket ship!

Four absent children.
No explanation.

Maybe it's just a coincidence.

In a group this size,
three absent children is a coincidence.

Four is a statistical anomaly.

Hello, Santa Luma!

Hey, everybody!
It's Big Phil with a guitar!

Ok, why don't you guys
enjoy Big Phil

while I rest my spine?

Max, bring your dad a chair.

They really like
that rocket ship.

* Now when I was a small boy

* When I was a small boy

* At the age of five

* At the age of five

* My mama said

* My mama said

* I'd be the greatest
man alive *

Yeah!

* I'm a man

* I'm a man

* I'm a full-grown man

* I'm a full-grown man

* I'm a fat man!

* I'm a fat man!

* I've gotta stop eatin' *

Hey, come on into the kitchen.

* Put the lime in the coconut

* And drink 'em all up

* Put the lime in the coconut,
drink 'em all up *

* Put the lime in the coconut,
you drink 'em all up *

* I say, "Doctor, ain't
there nothing I can take?" *

* I say, "Doctor,
to relieve this belly ache?" *

* I say, "Doctor--"

* Like a rhinestone cowboy

* Riding out on a horse

* In a star-spangled rodeo

* Hava nagila

* Hava nagila

* Hava nagila *

I am definitely out of songs.

Ok, lunchtime.

Mmm!

Mmm, yum.

Mmm, yummy.

I don't know if we should be
feeding this kind of stuff.

Why not? Look at them.
They love it.

Yeah, but I'm a little worried.

About what?

- 911.

He cut off his head!

Crispin stole my doll.
I need help.

Come on!

You know how old this piano is?

Keep your feet off the piano.

Get your shoes off the couch.
Get them off the couch!

Crispin, please.
Please, Crispin!

Give me the--
Ahhh!

the meat ain't the only

fresh thing around here.

Hey, no, no, no.
Don't play with that.

Give me this. Give me this.

Leave it alone, ok?

All right.

Hey, you get off those drapes.

Stop climbing the drapes.
Stop climbing. You stop it.

Hey you come here!

Nicky, gimme that vase!

Nicky, put down the vase!

Tomorrow,
we give them all organic.

Don't worry, it's gonna be ok.

How can you stand there
and say that? Look at this.

What goes up...

Shh!

Wow!

You guys are good.

Well, what do you expect?
You left your kids

with professionals.

Sorry to leave you hangin', man,

but ever since we got laid off,

Sheila's been
makin' me make dinner.

Really? How's that goin'?

Uh, it ain't nappin'.

Hey, can I take these
snack cakes home?

- Yeah, go ahead.
- Ah!

How you doin', little man?

Hmm, that's how you doin'?

Excuse me a second.
What is that?

All right, give me that.
That's too loud.

C'mon, man, let go,
it's too loud.

I'm serious.
Let go, Crispin. Crisp--

All right, then.

Gettin' kinda late. Where do
you suppose your mummy is?

Shut up, butthead.

Shut... Hey, you stop that!

Hey, you know somethin'?

Your mummy and daddy would not
like you talkin' like that.

You should not talk like that.

When your mummy comes,
I'm gonna tell her--

Andale, let's go.
Motor's running.

Yeah, c'mon, get out of here.

Stop!

I wish you would.

Crispin, don't make that face.

What?

Don't make lines.
Quiet the face.

Relax the face.
Quiet the face. Quiet.

Yes, c-calm your face.
Show no lines, you know.

You got early drop-off?

No, we don't have anything...

I'm gonna see you tomorrow.

I'll see you tomorrow, Crispin.

Tomorrow.

All right, you're gonna be
just like your father.

Look at him.

Hanging off of him,
his skin. Hanging off.

Hey, little man.

Hey, Dad.

What are you up to?

Hmm, just tryin'
to read a story.

Hey, listen, man,

I know I was really busy today
with those other kids,

taking care of them and all.

I know it probably
wasn't easy for you,

havin' to share all your toys

and watchin' Daddy do
rocket ship with

everybody, but, you know,

now it's just me and you, we can
do whatever you wanna do.

Can we read this story?

We sure can read this story.

All right. Ahem.

"There once was
a herd of elephants.

"Elephants young,
elephants ol',

"elephants tall and short,
fat and thin.

"All were different,
but all were happy,

"and almost all
were the same color.

And they all made
the elephant sound."

They all said...

Let me hear you
make that sound.

All right.

Do it again?

Oh, no, I can't
do it again, because Daddy

might have an aneurysm.

Hey, guys, sorry I'm late.

I'm not cleanin' this up.

Ah!

Hey, take this in there.
Go sit down.

All right, maybe I haven't
had my coffee yet,

but it seems like
these kids are multiplying.

What's going on?

Yeah, we got two new kids.

Oh, come on!

Listen, we're gonna have to
up our game today.

We need structure
and some planned activities.

No, we need Ritalin and leashes,
that's what we need.

Hmm. All we're gonna
need is this.

All right, everybody,
let's do this.

Everybody, come in here.
Ok, here we go.

Ok, all right, c'mon,
let's try another play.

Let's try this.

Let's try this. Here's what
we're gonna do now.

Here's a new play, all right.
It's called the Baby Blitz.

Nicky, I want you to hang back.

We're gonna do a lateral.

I want you to go down
the middle for

a buttonhook, ok?

Here, you,
I want you to be my blocker.

How about we just
run in a circle?

Ok, we can do that.
That's an even better play.

Everybody just run in a circle.

Yes? All right,
let's run in a circle.

Come on, run in a circle.

Tony, you'll see
the ball a lot better

if you take your mask off.

I'm not Tony, I'm Flash.

Hmm.

Hey!

How come you're
not playing, little man?

Come on, it's football.
You love football!

Help!

Help! Stuck!

I live in California.
Where do you live?

I am in Hong Kong.

Where's Hong Kong?

Can you hear me now?

I can't hear you.

- Can you hear me now?

- I can't hear you.

Can you hear me now?
What is it?

I thought you liked football,
all this time.

You're gonna tell me
you don't like...

I'll be--I'm gonna be
right back, little man.

I got to go...

Hey!

- Hey, Phil.
- Hey.

Hey, uh, you got
a little problem

over there with Max.

Oh, it's happening.

What's happening?
What is it?

It! It's happening.
He hasn't gone

for a week. That's it.

Oh, no. That's--that's...
It's happenin'?

It's happenin'.
I know the face. Look.

That's your cue.
You gotta go

and deal with that.

I can't.

What do you mean,
you can't?

I can't.

- You have to do it.
- I can't.

- Yes, you can.
- I can't.

- Yes, you can.
- All right, I will!

Good. Come on.

Oh, oh, oh!

I can't.

Ok, listen.

I can see you
got issues about this,

so I'm gonna take care
of it this time, all right?

- Yeah.
- But in the future, you gotta

work this one out yourself.

I gotta work it out.

That's your son. And God
willing, when you get older,

he's gonna do this for you
one day, so you wanna know

that he owes that to you.

He owes me.

- He owes you.
- Yeah.

Hey, don't get cute
with the thing.

I'm not assuming
you're doin' it.

All right,
so how you wanna do this?

I can do this myself.

- You sure?
- Yes.

Ok, well, you go and do it
with your bad self.

You go and do it now.

All right. You need anything,
I'm right out here, ok?

Hey! Hey, big guy,
how'd it go in there?

I missed.

What does that mean?

I missed.

Oh, hell, no.

Hey!

Come on!

No, no, no!

Come on. You put this down.
You don't play with this.

You ripped up my wife's flowers.

You give me this.
You're not supposed to.Go play with something else.

- Hey, what's goin' on here?
- We're spiraling out of control.

Look, don't panic,
because they're like animals.They can smell fear.

I don't know what else to
do. I've run out of ideas.

I'll tell you what...

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Quietly, children. Follow me.

Six absences.

Single file.

I have to go
make a phone call.

Let's get ready to rumble!

Let me tell you something,
brother.

I have never liked carrots.

And today as I stand here
and look at you before me,

having the audacity to think
that you can defeat me,

let me tell you something,
brother,

I am about to kick
your carrot butt!

Let me tell you something,
Mr. Broccoli.

When The Carrot
is done with you,

you will be nothing
but a kumquat!

I will destroy everything in
this world that is broccoli.

The carrot is the lowest
form of vegetable!

Hey. Hey! what about me?

Nobody likes broccoli.

Really?
Well, Ben likes broccoli,

don't you, Ben?

No.

You turned my own sprout
against me?

Now you're gonna die!

Ok, come on. I felt that.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey! Ok!

Come on!

Will you stop it?

Ahhh! That's it.

Ah! Hey, hey, hey!
What's that about?

I'm sorry.
You made me crazy!

You little maniac, you! Wreckin'
my wife's tables and stuff.

Somebody's at the door.
Ah! My back.

Hey, hi.

Is this the, uh,
the Hinton residence?

I'm Dan Kubitz,
child services.

I'm here to, uh, conduct
a compliance inspection.

Inspection?
No one said anything

about any inspection.

Well, we only do it if
we receive a complaint.

A complaint?
Somebody complained about...

Well, come on in.
You can inspect us.

We got nothing to hide.

Um, you caught us
at a crazy time.

We're playing with the kids.

Somebody--somebody
complained about us?

So, wh-where is the nap area?

- The nap area?
- Right.

Uh, we don't really
have a nap area.

We just let them fall asleep
wherever they drop.

Ok, "sleep where they drop."
Well, you know, I think

that should just about do it.

Um, what's the bottom line?

Well, you need to,
uh, to correct

the deficiencies on this form.

Ok.

And also,

you need to fill out
these compliance

certification documents.

Who wants these,
the carrot or the broccoli?

Carrot.

There's a lot
of stuff on here.

So we can stay open, right?

As long you have that done by
9:00 a.m. tomorrow morning.

9:00 a.m.? 9:00 a.m.

Hey, good luck with this.

I--I like what you guys
are doing here.

I--I don't wanna be the guy
that has to shut you down.

Yeah, we'd hate for you
to be that guy.

I will be. Don't wanna be.

Ok. Safety gates
at the bottom of the stairs,

top of the stairs,
bedrooms, bathrooms.

I've gone safety gate crazy.

Hey, how many kids
have we taken care of?

I've lost track,
they run so fast.

Well, you can get started on
this little batch over here.

Ah, you know,
it's getting kinda late.

Let's just call it a night.

No, we cannot call it a night.
We got a bunch of kids

showin' up here in five hours.

I'm serious. We don't know
anything about running

a day care center.

We don't know anything.
We're not even good parents!

I'm a good parent.

- What does that mean?
- What?

- That thing.
- What is that?

Uh, you know that
rocket ship thing you do?

Ben doesn't even like that.

First of all, you don't know
what you're talkin' about,

'cause that happens to be
Ben's favourite thing.

I've seen it, ok? He only lets
you do it because you like it,

it's the only time
you pay attention to him.

You don't change
your kid's diapers.

I don't like diapers.

You should teach
your kid how to go to

the toilet and aim, too,

so every time he goes
we don't have

to redecorate the place.

You're right.
You're right.

Let me tell you somethin'.

My kid is 4 years old,
and for the first time today,

I saw him playin', havin' a good
time with the other kids,

just being a normal kid.

It felt great,
that I had somethin'

to do with that.

We did that!

If we can do that,
we can definitely

get this place up
to code by dawn.

Let's go safety gate crazy.

Don't worry,

he's gonna be fine, ok?

It's all right.

All I got is $5.

I can break that.

Hey. Hey, listen.
I left the paperwork

on the kitchen table.

It's not there.
Please tell me you have it.

I don't have it.

Hey, guys.

Marvin, what are
you doing?

The, uh,
door was unlocked.

I got your final
paychecks here.

Thanks.

So, what's going on here?

Well, we-- Don't even ask.

Hey.

Hija.

You can understand him?

Yeah. Yeah, he's speaking
Klingon.

Oh, that's Klingon.

I thought the kid
was an idiot.

God, how much Star Trek
does that kid watch?

Too much.

Charlie, the guy from
Child Services is here.

- Oh, man.
- Sorry.

No, no, listen.
Why don't you do me a favor?

Why don't you take the kids
in the back and play

with them for a while?

Keep their attention
for a while,

while I talk to this guy.

Whatever you do,
don't let this big bruiser

get near the lawnmower.

Thanks, Marvin.

Hey,

Mr. Kubitz. Hi.

I thought I was early, but--

I was just getting
all the paperwork.

Great. Great.

You dropped something.

Yeah.

The kids wanted
to help out.

Oh! Oh, that's sweet.

Yeah. So here's
everything for you.

What I'll need
is your signature

on the back of her head.

And on the elbow of this kid.

Oh, do you have a pen?

I do have a pen.

This is my lucky pen.

Ah, thank you.

And where's on the--

Initial--initial the elbow.

- Ok.
- Sign the back of her head.

- On her neck? Ok.
- Yeah.

Great. That should
just about do it.

Here we go. Ok.

You're ready to roll.

Let's go in and get started.

Well, you know,
everything looks ok here,

but it says here
that you now have 11 children.

- That's correct.
- Yeah, yeah.

So I assume that you've hired
a 3rd care provider.

Why would you
just assume that?

Well, section 768 of the Child
Welfare Code specifically states

that the ratio of
children to care providers

cannot exceed 5:1.

- The 768.04.
- 768.04.

- The ratio thingy.
- The ratio.

We resolved that
this morning.

We resolved that
this morning.

Good. Good.

- Yes, we hired someone.
- We hired someone.

- We hired Marvin.
- Marvin, Marvin.

Yeah.

Marvin has been hired!

He's an excellent
child-care worker.

Right outside with the kids.

Well, I'd love to take a look,
if that's ok with you.

Oh, you want to go out there?

I think it's probably a good
idea for me to see for myself.

Let's go and have
a look at Marvin.

[gibbering]

Now, put your hands up!
Now, wave 'em!

You know,
h-he certainly seems like--

Like he knows what he's doing.

Oh, yeah, of course.

I've got to say that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
we had to interview

a lot of people.

Yeah, it was
a really long, grueling,

singling-out process for...

And now, I'm a chicken.

I'm a bird.
Look, I'm a bird.

You can never be too careful
when it comes to kids.You can't.

And here at Daddy Day Care
we only want to work with the best.

So, we got the top of the notch
and that's Marvin.

Sorry.

Shh. Sorry.

What did you
do to these kids?

- What?
- Are they on drugs?

Oh, there's this one,
one kid, maybe.

How'd you get them
to behave like this?

Just got to know
how to handle them.

How do you know
how to handle them?

I read Dr. Spock's Baby
and Child Care book.

It's not about Star Trek.

Huh?

I'm gonna finish.

Yeah. Yeah.

You know,
when--when I was in the back,

I spotted, under--
under the eaves of the,

um, of the porch,

what looked like a beehive.
A really big beehive.

Don't worry.
All taken care of.

- I don't want anybody getting hurt.
- No hurt. Gone.

Guys, you should be proud.
You really have turned this thing around.

- Thank you very much.
- I'm impressed. I really am.

Thank you very much.
And for our own curiosity,

this little complaint
that you guys got,

any chance you could tell
us where it came from?

I'd love to. I really would.

But that--that... Because... I
have a relationship

with the state.

Just for our own curiosity.

Oh, that was Miss Harridan.

I'm sure she'll see us.

We need to talk to you.

Sorry, Miss Harridan,
they just barged right in.

That's quite all right, Jenny.

Gentlemen, please sit down.

Now, what can I do for you?

We wanted to come down
and personally thank you

for helping to expedite
our accreditation process.

Thanks to your anonymous tips,
somebody from Child Services

came to see us.

I had heard you'd opened
some sort of day care program,

and, uh, well, I was concerned.

That's very nice of you.
But you don't have

to be concerned about us.

Oh, it's not you
I'm concerned about.

It's the children
you're looking after.

Hey, wait a minute.
We're parents, all right.

That's a start.

Any boob can be a parent.

If you want to screw up your own
child, that's your right.

But when it comes
to other people's children,

there's a higher standard
to answer to.

Oh, well, Mr. Kubitz
seems to think that

we met that standard.

Show her the thing.

That piece of paper
doesn't impress me.

Uh, we're getting
it laminated.

You two are just some
fly-by-night operation

looking to make a fast buck.

You're just afraid
of the competition.

Come on, let's get
out of here.

Competition?
Don't flatter yourselves.

Daddy Day Care will never be
in the same league

as this institution.

Laminated!

For some reason,
that just wasn't as satisfying

as I thought it was gonna be.

You know,
I think we can take her.

We need a clove of garlic

and a wooden stake.

Hey, hey, hey,
you know what she said

that was right just now?

These kids need
more than just watching.

Tomorrow we gotta
take it up a notch.

We got to start stimulating
their minds a little bit.

But I'm not a daddy.

You don't have to be a daddy.

You're a male-type
humanoid. That fits in with

the philosophy of the place.

I don't know, guys. I mean, I
guess I--I like hanging out

with the kids.
It's kind of cool.

But, uh, I guess child-care
wasn't necessarily an avenue

that I felt professionally
I was headed towards.

That's exactly what I said.

Excuse me. Yes, come on in!

Oh, hey, how are you?

Hey, guys.

I am so sorry.
I forgot to write you

a check this week.

Ever since the divorce,
my head's just been like...

* Ooh, dream weaver

- Hi.
- Oh, hi.

- Hi.
- Are you the new daddy?

I'm your daddy.

I'm not your daddy.

But I'm your baby's daddy.
I'm not...

I'm not your baby's daddy.
I'm going to be...

I'm--I'm...

You're Marvin.

Marvin.

Well, it's nice to meet you,
Marvin. I'm Kelli.

Dylan's mom.

Ah, well...

I got to run.

- Oh, yeah, thank you.
- All right. Bye, guys.

Ok, have--have a good one.

- Thanks.
- Bye.

I'm in.
Do you have a dental plan?

All right, Marvin.

Your first assignment
is to show us how you handle

- those kids the way you do.
- Teach us.

Let's put it this way.
If this were a business,

and they were customers,

how do you find out
what they want?

I'd put together a focus group.

All right, let's do it.

What we'd like is for you
to tell us what you'd like

to get out of Daddy Day Care.

Help us to help you.

Who'd like to start?

We need more
learning about things.

More learning about things?

Yes.

We're at a very critical age.

You have to feed our minds.

Ok, all right. You want to
write that down, Marvin?

"Feed our minds."

Great. Ok, what else?

Dolphins. Dolphins are good.

Dolphins are fish.

No, they're not.

Uh-huh, they live in water.

That doesn't mean they're fish.

Hey, hey, hey, let's calm down.

Let's about something else.

What else would you like
to talk about?

Where do babies come from?

Um...

Why don't we go back
to the dolphin subject

and discuss dolphins,
or if there's anything else

on someone else's mind that we
can talk about other than that.

Write that down.

Ok, what else?

Could we, um...

What were you
getting ready to say, Ben?

Come on, I can see you were
getting ready to say something.

What is it, son?

More, um...

- ...drawing?
- More drawings?

Yeah! Like pictures and stuff.
It's really fun.

Ok, yeah, great. More drawings.

Yeah! Yeah!

More chasing bad guys.

Excellent idea.

We can chase Joker.

Well, wait a second, buddy.
That's Batman's bad guy.

You're Flash,
so you want to be chasing--

Lex Luthor?

No. That's Superman.

You want to be chasing
Captain Boomerang,

Gorilla Grodd, Reverse Flash--

The Riddler?

What have you been doing
to these kids?

Out! Out! Out!

Starting tomorrow,
Phil is gonna be hosting

a 3 Stooges film festival
in the T.V. room.

I know everybody's looking
forward to that, right?

Thanks, Daddy!

And last, but not least,

the Thumb Suckers
Support Group is going

to be having a meeting

under the tree immediately
following, uh, nap time,

which starts right after
you guys finish your snack.

So, after you finish,
grab a blanket, get a spot,

and we have, uh, we have that.

Also, next week is going
to be Alpha Girls Group.

And we're going to have
Tai Chi under the tree.

And we're going to also
have pet day,

so you bring your pets in,

we'll have pet show-and-tell.

Cool.

This is my bunny.
His name is Tiny.

I feed him a lot.
Five times a day.

He poops a lot, too.
Six times a day.

It's like little marbles.

This is my turtle, Sparks.

He's fast. He's the fastest
turtle in the world.

Go! Go, Sparks, go!

This is my parrot, Paulie.
I'm teaching him to talk.

Talk.

Shut up, butthead.
Shut up, butthead.

Ok, Becca, where's your pet?

I had a tarantula,
but I don't know where he is.

Ok, all right, don't panic.

Don't panic.

What do you mean, don't panic?
There's a big spider in here

somewhere.

I got a spider on my head!

So what are we betting on today?

I'm going to do
a diaper a stroke, ok?

All right.

Well, if it isn't the geniuses
that brought the world

Veggie-Os.

So, how's unemployment?

Actually, I've got the best job
I've ever had.

Yeah, it's a start-up.

We offer time-management
facilitation

to mostly
working professionals.

Well, that's a tough market.
Sounds pretty cutthroat.

Yeah. It's a
real blood sport.

What's the money like?

Bruce! Let's go, I got botox.

Hi, Charlie.
Hi, Phil.

Hey, Crispin.

What's up, little man?

How do you
know my kid?

They're his day care teachers,
what do you think?

Day care?
That's what it is?

Oh, my God. You're wiping
boogers for a living.

Losers, losers, losers.

Hey, you're paying us
to do it, too, you know.

Losers.

"Do you like green eggs and ham?"

Yeah.

"I do not like them, Sam-I-Am.

I do not like
green eggs and ham.

Would you like
to eat them here or there?"

"I would not like
to eat them anywhere.

"I do not like
green eggs and ham.

I do not like them,
Sam-I-Am." Ok?

Now, see, he was going,
he was going

to punch Sam-I-Am,

but he walked away.
You don't punch, see?

He walked away with it.

Where's Mummy?

Mummy had to work today.

Remember when you used
to work all the times?

Yeah, back when
I had a real job.

Mmm-hmm.
Do you miss work?

I guess. I suppose so.

I miss it.

But don't get me wrong.
It's not like

I don't like hanging out
with you guys, you know.

It's just that daddy used to be

a big shot down at work.

I had my own office
and a big, pretty view.

Remember that big,
pretty view Daddy had?

I like it when you spin me
around in that cool chair.

Yeah, that's a cool chair.

A lot of cool things
about that job.

Cool chair,

I had people
working underneath me,

and, just between you and I,

the pay wasn't that bad either.

Ok, put that down.

What do you think of that?

What is it?

What do you mean "What is it"?
It's a dog in the sunshine.

It doesn't look like one.

That's because
it's kinda abstract.

You have to squint
when you look at it.

Squint and look and see.

And when you see it like this,

that's abstract.

Yeah? You see it?

How about if you tilt
your head to the side?

No, the other way.

Still doesn't
look like one.

Ok, well, what are you
over there working on,

Michelangelo? What you got?

What is that?

There's nothing abstract
about that, now, is it?

Thanks.

That's pretty good.

You got Daddy's head
looking kind of round, though.

Is my head that round?

No. But I got your mustache.

Yeah, I see.
A nice green mustache.

That's all right, son.

All right,
I just paid the mortgage,

the car loan
and the electric bill.

Look at the balance
in the checking account.

Seventy-four cents.

Yeah. That's right,
74 cents.

You are my Superman.

You got that right.

I've been working hard,

and I think it's time
to let off a little

of this frustration I have.

It's time for you
to, uh, take care

of your Superman.

My Superman.
Come here, baby.

That's right.

Oh, no, the monster's

going to get me! Oh, no!

It's probably a nightmare.

Be right back.

Ok, hurry up. Mummy's coming!

No, I want Daddy.

Did everything go ok?

Yeah, everything's just fine.

What's that face for?

Since when does he like you
better than he likes me?

No, don't even trip.
It's not like that.

I've just been spending more
time with him, so he wanted me.

He's getting
so much more confident.

Remember in the beginning,
how he wouldn't play

with anybody else?

Now, he's even playing
with that kid, Crispin.

With Crispin, who by the way
happened to say "thank you"

at lunch today
without being told.

And that little girl Becca,
she can read.

She's just a baby.

I seen her pick up
a Curious George book,

sit down and read
like a grownup.

What's that face?

You know, I haven't
seen you this excited

about something
in a long time.

Yeah, I ain't going to front.

Them little crumb snatchers
got under my skin.

Mrs. Plager, I cannot continue
to expose the other children

to such dangerous,
self-destructive,

highly addictive behaviour.

So either Juliette
stops the thumb sucking,

or you'll just have to find
yourself another preschool.

Um, are you busy?

Just pruning a few
weeds from the garden.

What is it?

Ok, I just thought
you should know

we've lost three more students.

Are you seriously suggesting
you don't know where they are?

No, ma'am.

I know where they are.

So do I.

Daddy Day Care.

First, it was amusing.

Then it was annoying.

Now it's really
starting to tick me off.

Get me a copy of Child Day Care

Services Regulations.

Uh-oh.

Hey, Phil, get the door.

Huh?

Get the door!

Uh.

All right, I got it. I got it.

Oh, Mr. Kubitz.

What--what are you doing here?

Is this--
Is this a bad time?

No, it's a great time.

Well, is--is the--
Is the man of the house at home?

"Man of the house."

Charlie!

Mr. Kubitz is here
from Child Services!

I'll be right there.

So, uh, let me ask you.
W-w-where are the kids?

Uh, outside. Marvin's giving
them a puppet show.

Nice. What's
on the program?

Pinocchio?
Little Red Riding Hood?

No, uh, Wrath of Khan.

Hey, Mr. Kubitz. Hi!

Hey, you! Wait!
What are you doing?

- What?
- What's wrong with your face?

My face?

What's all that stuff, man?
Come on.

What's the matter with you?

Becca and Jamie.

Ah, if you'll excuse me,

I have to see, uh,
two little girls,

because now I'm a big girl.

He's having fun with...

Mr. Kubitz, so what
brings you here today?

You know, I've--I've received
another complaint--

Oh, I guess we know
who that came from.

Well, I understand that--
That you've acquired

three more children
since my last visit.

Yes. We're 14 altogether now.

But it's still three adults,
so we're still under

the 5:1 ratio.

Right. But you see, Charlie,

it's a totally
different issue this time.

Charlie, can I talk
to you for a second?

Oh, yeah, give me a sec--

Excuse me a second.
I'm going to go handle this.

- Have a cookie.
- Sure. Thanks.

What's going on?

- What's up?
- Flash is gone.

What do you mean, he's gone?
Gone where?

- I can't find him.
- You looked everywhere?
He's not in the garage?

Everywhere.

What're we going to do?

Is there some kind
of problem out here?

No. Not at all, Mr. Kubitz.

We're just having a little
conversation about the--

Ok, because if it's--
You know--

No problem at all.
Why--why don't you...

Hey, kids! Why don't you meet
our good friend, Mr. Kubitz.

Say hi.

Hi, Mr. Kubitz.

Hi, guys.

Hey, wouldn't it be nice
if Mr. Kubitz

played with you guys

while we had a little
important conversation?

Would you be so kind?

I-is that a good idea?

Yeah, we're having a grown-up
conversation

the kids shouldn't be privy to.

So, just for a second.
Please.

Oh, sure. That's different.

- I'll look in the back yard.
- I'm gonna go upstairs.

I'm gonna check the basement!

Do we have a basement?

Flash!

Flash!

Flash!

Flash!

Flash!

Flash!

We have to do the laundry. God!

Whoo-hoo!

Flash!

Oh, my God! They vapourised him!

All right, he couldn't
have gotten too far.

I'm gonna call the police.

I'll call his parents.

If only I were a Betazoid,
I could sense him.

(Charlie)
Hey, which kid is this?

I don't know.
Hey, kid, what's your name?

Tony.

Tony. Tony.

Flash's name is Tony.

Actually, Flash's name
is Wally West--

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hey, Tony, how come you aren't
wearing your Flash suit?

I don't want
to be Flash anymore.

You don't want to be Flash?
Who do you want to be?

Tony.

You want--
Did you hear that?

He wants to be Tony.
Wants to be Tony.

Oh, that's nice.
You want to be Tony.

That's great.

Hey, Tony, have a cookie.
Have a fresh one.

What are you talking about?

Of course, I love you.

I'm just not in love with you.

Fifteen months of therapy,
that's the best you can do?

That is the dumbest line
I have ever heard.

My mother was right about you.

Wait.

For what? You think
this is gonna change?

You think I'm gonna change?

You think this is
what I had in mind?

Being a 55-year-old man,
living with his mother?

You think that's my idea
of a good time?

I love
passive-aggressive losers.

You know, a-according to
state regulations,

a--a child-care center
in a family home

is limited to
a maximum of 12 children.

I don't understand,
'cause we have plenty of room

here for these kids.

Charlie, I don't make the rules,

I just enforce them.

You can't have
more than 12 kids

at this kind of location.

So what you are saying is
if we want to stay in business,

we have to fire two kids.

Unless you want to move
to a permanent facility

somewhere else, then yes.

So, who do we cut loose?

How about Becca and Jamie?

I can't do it.

We gotta do something.

Why don't we get a bigger space?

"Space... The final frontier."

Marvin, I'm serious.
Harridan said we're not real.

Let's get real.

Let's get a bigger space,

let's get more kids,

hire more people.

We'll give this woman
a run for her money.

Great. Let's--
Let's get a new space.

Yeah, Final Frontier!

You know, if you don't stop

with that Star Trek,

I'll push you in
that sticker bush. Stop!

No! I'm saying that
there is a space available

called "The Final Frontier."

This used to be
my home away from home.

Jerry, the guy
who owned this place,

he had the ultimate
collection of memorabilia.

Um, oh, you know
what he had? Tricorder.

The-- That Ensign Riley wore
in The Doomsday Machine.

Yeah, yeah,
I never saw that episode.

I was with him,
not watching also.

Oh!

Needs a lot of work.

That just means
we can fix it up

how we want
to fix it up.

Yeah, but we're gonna need
some money to do that.

To make money,
you got to spend money.

To spend money,
you got to have money.

"Rock for Daddy Day Care.

Help us finance
our new permanent home."

Do you know what this means?

It's a chance
to improve ourselves

through a little
healthy competition?

No, you bubbleheaded idiot.

It's a death sentence.

If they get their hands
on a big enough space,

they'll ruin me.

They're selling fun.

I can't compete with fun.

I should've crushed them
in the beginning

when they were weak.

It'll be harder now,
but I have no choice.

I've got to stop them.

How are you gonna do that?

By any means necessary.

Yeah, ride the pony.

Pet the goat.

Get a t-shirt made.
Something to eat.

Enjoy the music!

Hey, they're showing
Logan's Run, Friday--

Friday night at 8:00.

If you're not busy
Friday nights,

maybe you'd like to--

- Oh, yeah, sure.
- Great.

So we're talking, like,
just dinner, bath, bed?

- The works?
- What?

You want me to baby-sit
so you can go

to the movie, right?

Marvin, I want you
to go with me.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Ok.

Ok. Great.

All right. Here's your thing.

Thank you very much.

Ok. Thanks. great.

I don't think
we should be doing this.

Jennifer, my dear,

in life there are winners
and there are losers.

And if you want to be a winner,

sometimes you
have to play dirty.

Hey!

I'll show you.
I'll paint my face first.

And then you paint yourself.

See? Put a little paint.

And I'm just going to...

What's wrong?

That's not paint! It's glue!

Could I get some more of this
delicious potato salad?

It is so good.
Have you tried it?

Really. It is so good.

What's up?

Ew, look.

And they got into everything
except for the pies.

Ok, don't panic. Don't panic.

We'll just sell
the people pies, that's all.

Oh.

Wow. Goats really love pie.

Leave them on for two hours.

You got it.

Everybody just
take a deep breath

and let's go back
to having fun.

Ok?

H-how'd we do?

We haven't even
put a dent in it.

Hello?

Charlie, Jim Fields.

Hey, how's your vacation going?

No, I'm just pulling your leg.

Listen, buddy,

are you still looking for work?

'Cause I've got a job for you,

unless you have other offers.

No, no,
that's really interesting.

It's, uh, that's interesting.

But it's just-- I've got
something going on right now.

Before you say no, let me fax
you over the proposal.

You can take a look
at the numbers,

you think about it,

then you get back to me.

Yeah.

Ok. Great.

You say hi to the wife
and daughter... Son.

Miss Harridan. Let me guess.

You couldn't get
Child Services to come back,

so you're doing
the inspection yourself.

I apologise.

I don't like to be sneaky.

Still, rules are rules.

May I come in?
I have a proposition for you.

Oh, yeah, please do.

Can I get you some, uh,
coffee or tea or water

or eye of newt, maybe?

Water would be lovely.
Thank you.

Water.
That's an easy one.

You don't mind tap water,
do you?

We're out of the bottled water.

Ahem.

So, Miss Harridan,
why are you here?

You seem smart,
talented, highly ambitious.

What on earth are you doing
running a day care centre?

Well, maybe I enjoy
running a day care centre.

Obviously. But is this
really how you want

to spend the rest
of your life?

As a businessman,

you'd have money,
power, respect.

You're really going
to throw that all away

just to baby-sit
a bunch of 3-year-olds?

You know, I said I would
listen to your proposition.

I'm all ears, and I've
got other things to do,

so if you'd be so kind--

Oh, all right. Here it is:

if Daddy Day Care should close,

for whatever reason,

I'll take all your children
for the price you charge.

Topflight education
at rock-bottom prices.

Think about it.

Now, wait a minute.

Mmm-hmm.

You're blowing us off for
Cottony Cotton Balls?

No, Cotton Candy Puffs.

Apparently the whole thing
was my idea.

And they offered
to double my salary,

and let me run the division.

So, yes,
I am taking myself back.

Go ahead, if that's what's
important to you. I mean...

Phil and I can manage.

We'll just find
somebody else. Right?

Uh, I--I'm going, too.

This is, like,

worse than when Spock betrayed
Kirk on Star Trek V.

Hey, Marvin, it's not
like that. We want you
to come back with us.

And not in the mailroom
this time. We want you
to be part of our team.

Whatever, I don't wanna
be on that team.

I want to be on this team.

We thought a lot
about this, man.

It's a great opportunity.

No, this right here
is a great opportunity.

Marvin, this business, this is
the one that has limits.

And we've reached them, ok?

Me and Phil, we got
responsibilities to think about.

We got futures
to take into consideration.

What about right now?
What about the kids?

Hey...

These kids were fine
before Daddy Day Care,

and they'll be fine
when it's over.

You tell yourself that, Charlie.

I finally found
a place where I fit in,

where I feel like I'm
doing something good,

and you guys just...

You just spoil it all.

Well, that couldn't
have gone worse.

If you think that went bad,
wait till we tell the kids.

Can I go to work with you?

Oh, no, you can't go
to work with me,

but you can come
visit me at work.

And Daddy's gonna be home
at night and on the weekends.

You know, we can still have
lots of fun together.

Will Phil and Marvin
still be here?

No, I'm sorry,
little man.

They're not going
to be around anymore.

It's just for a while, right?

Then you're going to come back
and do Daddy Day Care again.

No, this is,
this is from now on.

Daddy Day Care, we're not
doing that anymore, Ben.

Let me explain it
to you like this, Ben:

if Daddy does this, right,

I can get money for us.

And I can use that money
to take care of the house

and to buy food and clothes

and toys for you to play with.

I'll sell all my toys.

Oh, why you want to sell
all your toys?

If I don't have toys,
we don't need money,

and you can stay with me.

I wish it was that simple, Ben.

The development department will have

the first samples
ready by next week.

Ok, let's, uh, kick it around.

What do you think of

when you think of cotton candy?

Clowns.

Chocolate.

Cavities.

Hyperactivity, cavities, and
dentist bills. That's what I...

Hey, look,
I've been to the other side,

and I've seen firsthand.

When kids eat
this kind of stuff,

they come down crashing
so hard they need an air bag.

You know what the ingredients
are to these Cotton Candy Balls?

- Puffs.
- They're "puffs." I'm sorry.

You know what's in here?
Red dye number 4 and sugar.

You know what, people?

Charlie is absolutely right.

You can't ignore the reality.

Parents are not going to want

to buy this product
for their kids.

Not unless those kids
stomp and scream

and bang their little
heads on the floor

till blood comes out
of their ears.

Hey, Charlie, you got
those figures that I gave you?

Yeah, I got them right here.

Just give me a second to...

We had an independent marketing firm

do some preliminary research

to sort out the core value
of this product.

The subjects that were tested,
aged two to six,

which are key branding years...

Charlie, you want to join us?

I'm sorry about that, Jim. Yeah.

Why don't you tell everybody
what the core value is?

What's the most important thing?

My kid.

Huh?

My kid, Jim,

that's the most
important thing. My kid.

And I think I've made a tremendous mistake.

And so, uh, I quit.

- Hey.
- Ooh, what are you doing to me?

You scared me.

How was the marketing meeting?

I quit.

- What?
- I quit.

- You quit?
- I quit and I feel great.

You should quit with me.

- I should quit?
- You should quit right now.

We just got here.

You want to feel
how I'm feeling?

Quit. Come on.

Quit!

Quit with me.

Hey, Marvin,
you weren't going to sell

the carrot suit, were you?

The kids love that.

This stuff...

is not for sale!

A literal reader
of the text might say

that Goldilocks ate the "porridge"

because she was "hungry."

But what would Freud say?

Language skills are a critical component

of childhood development.

They're part of the core curriculum

here at Chapman.

If you'll follow me this way.

On the path of life,

the proper first steps are essential.

With our firm guidance,your children

will take those steps right here at Chapman.

Our philosophy

is that a child is like a climbing vine.

With structure to cling to,

and the right gardener to tend them,

they'll grow to the sky.

That's the dumbest thing I ever heard.

We're not talking about plants,

we're talking about kids.

I know you people don't want this woman pruning

and cutting and weeding your three-year-olds.

Some people are uncomfortable with achievement.

No, what I'm uncomfortable with

is treating a little kid like it's an adult.

If you people let your kids come here,

they're gonna be miserable in four different languages.

Five.

We start Portuguese
in the Fall.

How many languages do you listen to them in?

You ever just take a break and
stop trying to shove knowledge

down their throat and just talk to them?

Listen to 'em and see what they want.

They're children, they don't know what they want.

Yes, they do know what they want.

All of them.
And they're all different.

We took some time,
we talked to the kids,

got to know them a little bit.

And it made a difference.
It helped them.

Oh, please. Share your success.

Why don't you tell
these people exactly

how you help their children?

Max.

Max over here is
potty-trained now, ok?

I don't miss.

That's right.
And Becca learned how to read.

Yes, I did.

And Crispin.

Crispin is the most polite
kid you'd ever want to meet.

Thank you, Charlie.

You are most welcome, Crispin.

And I made friends.

That's right, little man,
you made some friends.

As of this moment,

Daddy Day Care
is back in business.

Don't be a fool.
You won't make a nickel.

Yeah, we might not get rich,
but we'll manage.

Excuse me.

All right, huh? How about that?

Hey, all right.

Daddy.

Hey, listen,

any boob can run
a child-care centre.

It takes a family
to raise some children.

That's what we're going to be
from now on, a family.

Family?
What a laughable concept!

Well, we'll going to just laugh
our way down the driveway.

You have
a pleasant day, Miss Harridan.

Bye, Miss Harridan.

Bye, Miss Harridan.

Come on! Let's go!

Get in there! Come on!
Let's go! Come on!

Come on! Hold up!

Ok, everybody's
holding hands, right?

Yeah, right.

Let's go.

"Daddy Day Care."

Jennifer, how could you?

It's a really
great place to work.

You should apply there.

Or not.

Have a nice day, Miss Harridan.

That's nice.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Help!

Help! Stuck!

All right, here I come.
What's going on here?

Help! Help! Help!

I'm stuck!

Loser, loser.

Loser.

Oh! Hey, little man.

I'd say this
wasn't a bad tradeoff.

Yeah, Dad.

and, action.

We can spend...

You know, we can't spend
money without having it.

Hold on one second.

What, are you being beamed up?

- It's Captain Kirk.
- It is!

Action.

- Hey.
- Hey, what are you doing to me?

Pudding on my hand.

Ok, wait a minute.

Take you for instance,

I would never push you
in a sticker bush.

You couldn't push me.

No, I'd use
a shovel on you.

Busy.

Some other kids
around here hanging out.

How that sound?

Whoa! See, you going to
have to work on it.

Mazel tov.

Remember when
you broke my yo-yo?

I broke--

And you--and you never
gave me a new one.

That's why
you sent me to bed.

Wow, you've been writing.

No, I can't--
I can't even write my letters.

What's going on here?

You're killing me.

You're really killing me.

Joe Frazier's
Smokin' Skillets!

These skillets were made
in the city of brotherly love.

- That's good--
- That's a good thing.

Ok, Eddie.

They gave you
a little too much

direction, didn't they?

Ok, stop before
you pee on yourself.

What is my line?
"I'll sell all my toys."

I'll sell all my toys.

I'll say my other
line over again,

because I messed it up.
So let me say it again.

I say, "you--"

Action!

Ok, thank you.

Let it go for a second. There.

Thank you.

That's why I know
we haven't been to the moon.

Miss Harridan says it's preparing me

for my future.

You hungry?

Yeah.

What do you
feel like eating?

I want a peanut butter
and jelly sandwich.

Peanut butter
and jelly sandwich.

- Yeah.
- I don't know.

After this scene.

If I give you--

What's so funny?