Original subtitles

[J.D.] Halloween in a hospital can be confusing.

Real or costume?

-Dagger's fake. Arrow's real. -Ooh!

Raffi, do we have to have this talk every Halloween?

You can't wear that in here.

That woman's allowed to walk around as a sexy nurse.

[sighs] Donna is just a regular nurse who hit the genetic lottery.

Go change. Okay.

Damn.

I hate Halloween.

There's a grown-ass man back there in a double XL Mario costume,

probably wondering why his wife won't look him in the eyes

when they're having sex anymore. It's like--

Babe. I love Halloween.

Did you see the Mario guy? I'm going as that next year.

I hope they have a double XL.

I'm so sorry.

I'm sure your guys' sex is cool and normal.

-I used to have cool, normal sex. -[groans]

What? I'm sorry, I'm still depressed about Charlie.

Our couple's costume was going to be Wayne and Garth,

and those plans went schwing right out the window.

Buddy, today is the perfect day to be single.

Look around.

It's a buffet of booty up in here.

-Turk. -Sorry.

Actually, Turk is right.

All you need is a mindless crush to help you get over Charlie.

How dare you two dismiss my pain as something that can be overcome

by some cheap and lust-filled…

-Schwing! -[laughing]

-We're back, baby. -Yeah?

-He's back, baby. -Yeah.

-Just me. I'm the only one back. -Baby.

Yo, you need to watch yourself.

You need to not put me in them type of situations.

I got your back, but just keep it together.

-I'm keeping it. -Hold it together.

Everyone come outside. I have a surprise for you.

Ooh!

-[♪ ice cream truck music playing] -Ice cream!

-Yeah! -Thank you, Elliot.

I needed this. I've been so sad lately.

Oh, me too. I hope they got that cute little squirrel with the gumball nose.

[all] Ice cream, ice cream, ice cream, ice cream.

Yes, I scream. You scream.

We all scream for a fair and equitable approach to women's health care.

[all groan]

Oh, come on, you guys, this is gonna be my new mobile health care clinic.

Jerry, could you turn off the music?

[music stops]

Guys, I got my first grant.

No ice cream? I'm out.

-False alarm. There's no ice cream. -[all grumbling]

Obviously I still have a lot of money to raise.

Could you help me figure out some good resources?

It's just when you've been promised ice cream,

it's kind of hard to pivot to anything else.

Mmm, ice cream.

Look, grants are great, but you need to get the hospital behind you.

Get some doctors to volunteer their time for the clinic, all right?

And then we can go pitch it all to the board.

-[explosion] -Wait, do you smell something?

Your truck's on fire.

[Elliot] Oh, my God. Jerry! Do something!

-My clinic's on fire! -Mmm!

Turk was right. His nose is a gumball.

♪ I can't do this all on my own ♪

♪ No, I know I'm no Superman ♪

♪ I'm no Superman ♪

[chuckles] I told you, I don't wait.

Rick Fabian, Fabian Aeronautics.

Perhaps you've been in one of our private planes.

Sir, I Rollerbladed to work today.

Perhaps you're more familiar with our bombs.

Girl, the only bombs I care about are bath bombs.

You're gonna need to wait just like the other patients.

What's his deal?

[sighs] Just some entitled jackass waiting for his private concierge doctor.

Oh, I remember my concierge days, trading out my principles and my expertise

all to make a quick buck

so I could afford that post-divorce green metallic 1967 Corvette Stingray,

which doesn't actually attract any women

but you do meet some cool guys that want to take a picture with it.

Baby, we need to switch cars,

'cause my Chrysler Pacifica brings all the soccer moms to the yard.

Oh, girl, the hatchback.

-Hey. -Hey.

Sorry I'm late, Rick. I had to kick somebody out of a VIP suite.

Actually, there was another empty one

but I know how much you like to displace people, you rascal.

You're back treating patients.

I knew you couldn't resist being part of the best doctor duo

to ever walk the earth, better known as--

Don't you dare say the name or I'll kick you in your doctor duo.

Big Cox and Lil D.

-[groaning] -You love it. You love it.

-Big Cox and Lil D! -God.

I am not back.

I felt a little better, so I took on just one patient because I am bored.

It turns out that retirement is not what I thought it was going to be.

I-I'm surprised you're taking this on.

I mean, concierge patients are notoriously high-maintenance.

I had one that made me break in all her heels.

On the plus side, I can do two flights in stilettos without breaking a sweat.

For the money this guy's paying me,

I would gladly throw on a pair of stilettos and a smile.

No offense, but can you smile?

It takes me a second to rev up, but I-I think I can get there.

Hey, Dr. Cox, I hear-- Oh!

What the hell is happening to his face?

That's his smile, Turk.

Take it in. It's like Halley's Comet.

Next time it happens, we'll both be dead.

Oh, sweet Jesus, what was that?

That's his smile.

Ugh, this holiday.

I just pulled so many Red Vines out of the wrong side of a 40-year-old Pikachu.

Well, we were just talking about the Halloween mixer.

-So dumb. -Really? I love Halloween.

Me too. It's the best. It's, like, my favorite holiday.

I meant dumb like, um, dope, like how they say in the Bay Area.

-You guys know this. -Mm-mmm.

Go dummy with it, you know.

Go dummy with it.

Go dummy with it. Goes dummy with it.

-Go dummy with it. -Go dummy with it.

-Go dummy with it. -Go dummy with it.

-Go dummy… I'm helping you. -Thank you.

-Go dummy with it. Go dummy with it. -Oh!

Go dummy--

Are we raising the roof for my new mobile clinic?

Go dummy with it. Go dummy with it.

[clears throat]

Look, I just, uh, need you at the conference room at 3:00

'cause I need butts in the seats and hands in the air like you do care.

Wouldn't the physical change be driven by the redistribution?

Hey, if you guys could come to my presentation,

I could really use the support,

as could the women in our community who do not have access to health care.

Sorry, Elliot, we're right in the middle of a groundbreaking medical debate.

I'm so sorry. I'll just, uh, leave some of these right here.

-Thank you. -[Turk] Let me get this straight.

If I'm sitting in the hot tub and it's filled to the top and I get aroused,

the water will not be displaced at all?

-That is my hypothesis, yes. -Absolutely not.

Even though the overall mass stays constant, the volume changes.

-Yeah, man. -No, I'm telling you guys,

I've been studying this my whole life.

[J.D.] I was thinking about Turk's advice to distract myself with a mindless crush,

but it wasn't going as smooth as I hoped.

[♪ passionate saxophone music playing]

Check out the body-ody-ody on that one.

[♪ saxophone playing off-key]

Tim, Tim. No playing in the hallway. Keep it in your room.

Oh, man. There's no babes in there.

That's not my problem. And please turn around your gown.

I can see all your goodies.

[♪ saxophone plays off-key]

Hey, you seem lost. Can I help you find something?

Oh, I was just looking for the cafeteria. Is the food good?

Oh, yeah, it's actually not so bad.

And after 5:00, the pastries are free.

Just like me.

-Oh, yeah? -Oh, yeah.

Uh, we used to throw them out,

but then it became a huge problem at the dumpster with all the raccoons.

[J.D.] Oh, my God. Her "oh, yeah?" was about you being free,

not the pastries. Circle back.

Well, enough about the raccoons.

They're dead, so… I made sure of it.

But we're alive, you and I, and, uh, we should grab a glass of wine.

[elevator dings]

Oh, this was really awkward. [chuckles]

I feel like we should just kind of forget what just happened.

I agree. I'm on… We're on the same page about something.

[button clicking]

Does the-- Does the door close?

Yes, door close is right next to door open.

[chuckles] Was it-- Was it the raccoons or…

-God, I think it was everything. -'Cause I do love animals.

I have a dog. It's dead, but I still live with it.

[elevator door closes]

Just had to brag about the raccoons, didn't you?

And I can't even take credit because the coyotes killed them.

-I remember. -Man, I fumbled that. You saw it?

-I seent it. -It was nasty.

I know you're disappointed that you won't be discharged tonight,

but the doctor really needs to keep an eye on that heart murmur.

Anyway, trick-or-treating is so overrated.

Hey, babe. T-minus eight hours

till it's trick-or-trick-or-trick- or-trick-or-trick-or-treat time.

I made a whole schematic of the neighborhood for Nora and I.

-All the best houses to hit up are marked. -Turk.

Not everyone can go out tonight.

Oh, hello, small child.

My grandma's bald too, but she wears a wig.

Damn.

"King-size, unmanned bowl." These ones just say "gay."

Everybody knows gay guys give out the best candy.

I got all their houses marked.

Do you think it's a good idea to have a map where every gay man's house is marked?

Yep, I hear it now.

I'll tell you what though, Ricky, I'm gonna go ahead and run some tests,

make sure that your kidney transplant is acclimating with your body.

What I need you to do is to stay right on schedule with your meds.

-Can you do that for me? -Sure.

Oh, and I need you to do something for me.

My wife is so stressed about my illness that she's gained 10 pounds.

She breathes into the phone like a pug after a long walk.

I-I cannot stand talking to her, so you call her back.

I'll get right on that.

I am gonna kill that man before any illness does.

-[chuckles] -I, uh… I need your help.

How did you ever do this?

-What, be a concierge doctor? -No, be someone's little bitch.

What do you do with your soul?

Tuck it into the drawer next to your testicles?

Wow, okay, I am going to choose to hear the compliment within that insult.

That. How do you do that?

Do you mean my excellent bedside manner?

Well, I could tell you, or…

[♪ enchanting music plays]

[gasps]

Look.

[birds chirping]

♪ Though a kiss upon the ass Will make a happy VIP ♪

♪ To suck it up and pucker up Is no one's cup of tea ♪

♪ So just take it and you'll make it As a concierge MD ♪

♪ That's my pitch Be the bitch of the rich ♪

Thank you, lady.

♪ Ruff, ruff, ruff ♪

♪ Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff Ruff, ruff, ruff… ♪

-Rowdy, no, this is my song. -Oh!

The winter air hits different when you're in a dress.

Look, all these VIP patients want

is to feel like they're being treated better than anybody else,

so tell them the Chief of Medicine is on it

and I'll get his workup done as quickly as possible.

Thank you.

You probably can't tell, but I'm actually pretty nervous.

Oh, no, you totally can tell.

Damn it, Tosh.

[exhales]

-What? No one showed up. -I did.

I will always support you and your mobile clinics, girl,

even though I don't like vans.

They remind me of all the times I've been kidnapped.

It's always a van, you know?

Unbelievable. No one cares about women's health.

No one does care about women's health.

Ally. Go off, queen.

See, that's what we need, more women supporting women.

Oh! Maybe I spoke too soon.

Is this where the hot tub erection debate is taking place?

Oh, no, that got too big, so it moved to the Radisson across the street.

Let's go, fellas.

Hurry up. There's about to be a demonstration.

Hey. You're not gonna like this,

but your patient's blood work shows he's not taking his anti-rejection meds at all.

He could lose that kidney.

Son of a bitch, he lied to me.

I know you're furious, but you can be gentle while still being in charge,

-which is my medical philosophy. -[sighs]

And actually also my lovemaking style.

For the love of God.

I thought you knew that.

[laughing]

Check out the Gumby.

Where's Nora? She should be here by now.

Before you or the hair get too attached, I have something to tell you.

Okay.

Nora called. She doesn't want to go trick-or-treating.

[gasps, groans]

-Why? -I'm sorry.

She just wants to watch scary movies with her friends.

She didn't want to make you sad.

Why would I be sad?

Hey, I didn't realize it earlier, but you're Dr. Dorian, aren't you?

Yes, I am Dr. Dorian, Chief of Medicine.

I run this place. How can I help you?

Wow, well, I'm Cassie Simmons.

I'm the new hospital administrator,

so I guess that makes me the boss of the guy who runs this place.

[both laughing]

You seem really cool.

When people realize I'm their boss, especially after they hit on me,

they kind of usually make this crazy panic face.

Yeah, like that one.

This? No, no, no, no. I'm not… I'm not panicking.

-Uh, will you excuse me for a quick sec? -Mm-hmm.

[♪ enchanting music playing]

I am so sorry. I didn't realize who you were.

Most of the hospital administrators I ever met are old men

who are just focused on profitability and efficiency.

Hey, it's 2026. Women can get off on anything old men can.

-[chuckles] -Except baby voice.

[baby voice] That's just weird.

[J.D.] God, that was hot.

[normal voice] I'm just gonna lay my cards out on the table.

-Let me see 'em. -The board hired me for a reason,

-to trim the fat. -Whoa, whoa, whoa. We, uh…

I know you're new here, but we don't body-shame at Sacred Heart.

I know you may not believe this, but we both want the same thing,

for this hospital to help as many people as possible.

The only question is,

are you going to be comfortable letting me take the lead on that?

Listen, I will always put my patients first,

but I am quite comfortable with you being on top of me.

I mean, professionally on top of me, you know, and don't be afraid to ride me.

I mean, you know, like, ride me, not… I'm not talking, you know…

riding.

I just want to be clear that I do not mix my professional life with my private life.

Have you met my ex-wife?

Hi. Cassie Simmons, hospital administrator.

Elliot here is one of the greatest minds in this place.

-How are you-- -You're a woman.

See, nothing gets by her.

Four daughters, all grown.

Last year was my final trick-or-treat and I ain't even know it.

I would have made it special.

You stayed up with Nora till 2:00 a.m. counting and sorting.

You TP'd the houses that gave out apples.

You let her take a Skittles bath and messed up our plumbing.

She was purple for a week, Turk.

It had to end sometime.

Yeah, well, I wish I could run myself a Skittles bath right now.

[groans]

-And the rest. -[tsks]

Come on, man.

-[indistinct conversation] -[giggling]

-You're being distracting. -No, I'm not doing--

[groans]

What does she see in that guy?

Oh, I don't get it, but everyone in the hospital is like,

"He's good-looking, smart, confident, funny, charming…"

-People like you too. -Oh.

You're the kind of guy everyone wants to have a beer with.

Thanks, man.

And then no one wants to do anything with you after the beer.

I'll have you know, I do very well for myself.

I have a ton of casual sex.

I always thought of you as more of like a formal sex kind of guy,

sort of like, "Are you enjoying the pace? May I kiss you there?"

I will not apologize for being an inquisitive lover.

I thought I made this very clear.

You have to take your meds exactly as prescribed, or that kidney is gone.

Let me be clear with you, I'm not doing that.

The meds make me feel like crap. I'm nauseated, shaky, exhausted.

It's gonna take some time, but your body will adjust.

I don't adjust, Perry. You adjust.

My buddy had his tremors cured by some lady who made him lick a Peruvian frog.

So how about you do what I pay you for

and figure out which amphibian I have to tongue.

Here's what we're gonna do, Rick.

[J.D.] Oh, no. It's a good thing this guy's already in the hospital.

I am going to reach out to some of my homeopathic guys,

and we're going to find a different way.

-What the hell was that? -Stay in your lane, oldie.

-Do you work here? -Me? No, no, no. No.

And that is how one ice-cream truck can transform a community.

What an incredible idea that would help so many people.

[chuckles] Thank you.

Uh, let me officially speak for the hospital when I say, uh, "No."

[chuckles] I'm sorry, what? I don't understand.

-[paper shredder whirring] -You agreed with me earlier

that no one cares about women's health care.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I didn't mean, "Oh, no. No one cares,"

like we're at a rally wearing genital hats.

I meant, "Oh, no. No one cares," as in that won't make money for the hospital.

[scoffs] Well, that is completely untrue.

It would be an incredible tax write-off.

If you can tell me what a tax write-off is, I'll fund your clinic right now.

So, taxes.

-We need them for roads and-and schools. -True.

And then there's the federal deficit, which is a huge problem,

which brings us right to the tea in Boston that they tossed "right off" the boat,

which I believe is where the term "write-off" originates.

So… [chuckles]

Okay, hearing you talk, I'm now thinking maybe women's education

might be more of a problem than women's health care.

[J.D.] I don't get it.

You come back to work without even letting me, your doctor, know,

and now you're letting some jerk patient dictate his own health care?

What are you not telling me?

J.D., I didn't come back here because I was bored.

I came back here because even with insurance, I am drowning in medical bills.

The fact of the matter is I came back here because I need this job.

Well, I had no idea it had gotten that bad.

You thought I wanted to spend my retirement working?

I had so many plans for my golden years, but all those plans are gone.

And I did everything that I was supposed to do, and then I got sick.

And here I am. [sighs]

There's no shame in doing what you have to do.

[phone chimes]

You're gonna have to excuse me because, uh…

Rick needs me to roll.

So, Tessa really wanted to meet Bluey,

but she's willing to settle

-for trick-or-treating with Bobby Brown. -[gasps]

I gave everyone candy from the vending machines to hand out.

I get one more Halloween.

I even made a map and circled all the gays.

-You did? -No, baby, that's crazy.

No, it isn't. We give out the best candy.

-This guy, this guy… -Okay.

…and this guy hasn't come out yet, but he's currently dressed as Cher.

Who's Bobby Brown?

Who's Bobby Brown? Who the hell is Bluey?

-A dog. -So is Bobby Brown.

-Turk. -We'll just skip that era. Come on.

[J.D.] Sometimes it's fun to pretend to be somebody else.

But the worst thing that can happen to a doctor

is losing sight of who they really are.

Pass him, pass him.

Jesus.

[staff member] Code Blue. Code Blue to Admissions.

Code Blue. Code Blue to Admissions.

Code Blue. Code Blue to Admissions.

-[sustained beep] -[air hissing]

[J.D.] Rhythm check.

Pupils are fixed, nonreactive.

-No brain stem response. -This may be non-survival neurologically.

Patient's a donor. Continue compressions.

I need an amp of Epi.

-Epi's in. -Epi's in. That's a shockable rhythm.

Okay, charge to 200.

-[powering up] -Okay, clear.

-And shock. -[clanks]

[J.D.] So we have to find our way back to the best version of ourselves,

even if the journey is full of monsters.

She died?

Yes, and very soon her organs will go to a mom or maybe a school teacher,

or perhaps even an ungrateful bastard like you.

What did you say to me?

A couple of things I've been meaning to get off my chest all day.

This…

and this: It is my job as your doctor to help you manage the side effects

of these medications.

It is your job to show some respect to the person who gave you that kidney

and all the people waiting to get one.

And if you can't do that, I swear to God, I will reach up inside you,

grab that organ, pull it out and give it to somebody who can appreciate it.

You follow?

-Yes. -Good.

It's showtime!

Ahhh!

Why is no one in costume?

We're cats.

-[all] Meow. -Oh, my God.

That is a lot of costume for a work mixer, Grant.

-Yeah, no, I de-- Yeah, I can feel it now. -All right.

There is no way women are having casual sex with you.

That's super mean and a weird thing to say.

[J.D.] As for me, I was finding out

that moving on wasn't actually that frightening.

Hey, would it be unprofessional if we go to this mixer together?

I think I can keep it very professional.

That's a little disappointing, but I'll still go.

[J.D.] Even if I didn't realize she may be a monster after all.

[♪ passionate saxophone music playing]

[both laughing]

All right, Tessa, this is Bobby Brown.

-Hit it, babe. -[♪ "Every Little Step" playing]

♪ It's like that, it's like that ♪

♪ Every little step I take ♪

♪ You will be there ♪

♪ Every little step I make ♪

♪ We'll be together ♪

♪ Every little step I take ♪

-♪ You will be there… ♪ -[music stops]

Nothing?

Where's your costume?

Well, Tessa, most grown-ups don't like to dress up in silly Halloween costumes.

Happy Halloween!

You're getting candy! You get candy. Everybody gets candy!

I want candy, Oprah.

[laughter]

Wow, gay guys really are the best at Halloween.