All language subtitles for Stuart.Fails.To.Save.The.Universe.S01E05.2160p.WEB.H265-CAKES

You speak our words?

Yes. We speak your words.

Where is your village?

Pasadena?

- P-- Pasadena.
- Pasadena.

Just east of Glendale?

- Glendale. Glendale.
- Glendale.

Yeah, just north of the 134.
What the hell are we doing here?

Would you like to come back
to our village?

We have food and places to rest.

Water to bathe in,
companions to sleep with.

Hang on. Question.

When you say "sweep with,"
do you mean sex?

Of course.

Daddy's home.

- What's the catch?
- Catch?

What do you want in return?

Just the pleasure of knowing
we met your needs.

Follow-up question.

What if some of the needs
are a wittle unusual?

Shush!

We'd be honored
to accept your hospitality.

Our village isn't far. Walk with us.

So far, this is my favorite universe.

Hey, is it weird that a primitive tribe

with no contact with the outside world,

no technology, speaks English?

Maybe we're speaking their language.

Well, if that's the case,
how can I say the word "helicopter"?

They obviously don't have helicopters.

We say "unicorn,"
but we don't have unicorns.

I don't want to talk about this anymore.

You are beautiful to look at.

Me?

Has no one ever told you this before?

My mom.

But she said it was an inner beauty.

Would you like to share my bed tonight?

Yes, please.

Thank you.

Everything's so fresh.

It's like living in the produce section
of Whole Foods.

Should we be concerned?

Maybe.

Probably.

Sowwy. My dogs are barking.

What are you doing?

These are good. I will wear them.

Like hell you will. They're mine.

- "Mine"? What is "mine"?
- They belong to me.

I went to Foot Wocker and waited an hour
for the idiot kid to find my size. Mine.

- Mine.
- No, you say "yours."

- Yours.
- Thank you. Mine.

Mine.

- Yours.
- Thank you.

Oh, look, Kripke made a friend.

What are you gonna do with one shoe?

- No, no. Both mine. Both--
- Both mine.

- Both mine.
- Both mine?

- Morning.
- It's so beautiful here.

Peaceful.

Glad you like it,
'cause we ain't going anywhere.

- You couldn't fix the machine?
- Me? Fix it? No.

I come from a long line of people
who call a guy.

- So what are we supposed to do?
- I don't know.

Look for a hut in a neighborhood
with good schools?

Oh, God. I forgot about our kids.

It's okay. Don't worry about it.
They-- They-- They weren't real.

They were projections
from a malevolent force

keeping us enslaved in a false reality.

- Yeah, but they were ours.
- Yeah.

So, we're really stuck here?

Well, hang on.

Someone's been sending me messages.

Maybe they'll tell us
how to fix the machine.

But there's no technology here.
How do you send a message?

Primitive cultures had
lots of ways to communicate.

Drums, smoke signals...

a third thing.

Did you enjoy our sex last night?

It was great. Also, I love you.

Then I love you.

Chana, would you like
to share my bed tonight?

Sure.

What the fuck?

- Question.
- Yes?

I don't want to come off clingy
or anything,

but I thought you and I
had something special together.

We do.

Then why are you gonna be
with that guy tonight?

- He asked.
- Oh, I don't like that.

Why?

Well, we do things differently
where I come from.

- Pasadena?
- Yeah.

When a man and a woman love each other,

they're monogamous.

What is "monogamous"?

They only have sex with one another.

And everyone in Pasadena does this?

Well, I can't speak for everyone,
but a lot of them.

Definitely more than in Beverly Hills.

And monogamous makes them happy?

I know it would make me happy.

I do want that.

I will think about your monogamous.

Thanks.

I have a girlfriend.

- Thank you.
- Oh, you're very welcome.

- So happy.
- Oh. We aim to pwease.

Hey.

- Nice work in there.
- You too.

And you...

You are getting a...
a hand-written thank-you note. Come on.

I could kill for a protein shake.

But if there are infinite universes,
maybe there's one

where the English language evolved
entirely on its own.

Without an England?

Excuse me.

- Yes?
- Is that shit?

Yes. Bear.

You want to take a crack at this?

Why?

Don't people in Pasadena look
for signs and omens in animal droppings?

There's probably someone.

Wait, you find messages in bear shit?

Oh, yes.

When will the rains come?
Will our women be fertile?

Of course.

Primitive cultures,
signs in animal droppings.

- Mind if I jump in?
- What are you doing?

If we're gonna receive a message
in this universe,

- maybe this is how.
- In shit?

I don't make the rules, Denise.
Now, you wanna help me,

or you wanna stand there
looking disgusted?

Oh, disgusted, no question.

So, for example,

I have cwaimed this bowl

because I don't want your germs,
which means this bowl is mine.

My bowl.

All the bowls are the same.
How do we know?

Ah, good question.

Wook here on the bottom.
I have put my mark.

Now, I know you're all
charmingwy iwiterate

but this is a wetter, the wetter "K,"
as in "keep your hands

- off Kwipke's bowl." Yeah?
- Isn't it better

- if we all share everything?
- Maybe if you're a pinko communist,

but I don't have to tell you
how that worked out.

How did that work out?

This is my bowl, don't touch my bowl.

Looks like nothing for me today.

Good luck.

- That's probably not coming out.
- Are we done?

Hang on.

Come here, look at this.

- No.
- You need to see this.

Oh, wow. "Use red quartz."

But where are we gonna find that?

No idea.

Maybe in rabbit shit?

- What are you doing?
- Mine.

- What's that mean?
- It means it belongs to me.

But that's not our way.
We-- We share bowls.

We... We share everything.

Maybe if you're a commie...

or a sociawist.

Why are you crying?

I'm just not used to being happy.

- Chana?
- Oh, hi, Simpa.

Not a good time, dude.

You did not come to the hut
for lovemaking last night.

Oh, yes. I am monogamous now.

What is "monogamous"?

I only have lovemaking with Bert.

Yeah, she does.

I do not like monogamous.

It's got its pros and cons,
but can we talk about it later?

I do not like it. At all.

Now that we've made love,

shall I prepare you a wonderful meal?

Wow. You really get me.

Oh. Do you guys have French toast?

Now, by giving me these melons,

you've established what is called cwedit,

which you can weverage
for future purchases.

Why not share the melons with everyone?

Think it through. If you do that,
how does anyone get wich?

- I have a question.
- Yeah, what's up, chief?

Tell me about monogamous.

That's a wittle complicated.

Let's say you're fishing on a wake,

and after a very wong time,
you finally catch a small blue fish.

You take it home, you cook it, you eat it.

It's dewicious.

So you decide you're only gonna eat

that same stupid fish
for the west of your wife,

even if another fish gives you
her phone number.

What if you want to be with someone,

but they're doing monogamous
with someone else?

Been there. Three choices.

You can get over her, twicky without porn.

You can convince her
to cheat on the other guy,

but for that, you weawy need
a car with tinted windows.

And finawy,

you figure out a way
to get wid of the other guy.

Like send him on a journey?

Yeah, or maybe he...

falls off a cwiff.

Happens.

Where are we gonna find red quartz?

No idea. Luckily, we know a geologist.

Oh, right, Bert.

You gonna tell him
you pawed through bear shit

to find a message?

- Nope.
- Can I?

Nope.

Hey, there.

Top of the morning to you.

Oh, good.

Bert, I figured out
how to get us out of here.

What about, "Nice to see you, Bert"?

- "What's going on, Bert?"
- All right, what's going on?

- I'm getting married.
- What?

Yeah, I asked Chana to marry me.

She said yes.

Does she even know what marriage is?

No, and don't you tell her.

Bert, I need to ask you
a geology question.

Is it how many times
can a geologist have sex

in a 24-hour period?

'Cause the answer's two.

No, it's where do we find red quartz?

- Why?
- To fix the machine. I got a message.

- Oh, tell him how you got it.
- Stop it.

- That's red quartz.
- Great, thanks.

Two times. Good for you.

Hey, uh... can I have that necklace?

No. Mine.

What happened to share everything?

Mine. We're not commies.

Kripke.

I suppose it's technically possible

for a society to develop Engwish
as a wanguage

without an Engwand,
but it seems unwikewy.

- That's what I said.
- Guys!

Of course, we could be speaking
their wanguage and not know it.

- I said that too.
- Listen to me!

- Ooh, not so wough on the tushy.
- Sorry.

I've been through the whole village.

There's one piece of red quartz,
and Gavel won't give it up.

I'm not surprised.
He's also a very selfish wover.

Kripke, without that red quartz,
we're never getting out of here.

Oh, tell him where you got the message.

- Would you please?
- Why don't you just steaw it?

You see the size of that guy?

So what? These people don't hit.
They don't fight.

It's like you had a TV show
called Land of the Pussies.

You're horrible.

You know what I say to that, Denise?
I say...

Was that cwear enough,
or should I wepeat myself?

I think he's asleep.

You think he's asleep or he's asleep?

He's asleep.

I think.

What if we just stay in this universe?

Do you like the outdoor toilets?

- What took you so long?
- I don't want to talk about it.

Mine.

- Now what?
- I don't know.

Maybe your pile of shit has a plan B.

Oh, good, Bert.

We need to find another piece
of red quartz.

Hold that thought.

Stuart Bloom, will you be my best man?

And Denise, we would be so honored

if you would perform the ceremony.

I would love to.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Honey, sidebar.

I'm so happy for you guys.

- What are you doing?
- Oh, it's okay.

I'm a certified minister
of the Universal Life Church.

Which doesn't exist in this universe
and is bullshit in the one it does.

Well, fine. You walk over there
and tell your best friend

that he's not entitled
to a little bit of happiness.

Damn it.

Bert, I'd be very happy
to be your best man.

You don't look happy.

What do you want from me?
I ran out of Lexapro.

My bowl! It's mine!

That's weird.

Now.

We've only just begun

To live

White lace and promises

A kiss for luck and we're on our way

Thank you.

Before the rising sun

We fly, so many roads to choose

We start off walking and learn to run

- Sharing horizons...
- That's good, thank you.

Sure.

Oh, my God, I'm trying not to cry.

Bert, Chana,

you are about to embark
on an amazing adventure.

You're gonna set sail
in a boat made of love.

And how do we make that boat seaworthy?

We build a hull of trust,
a mast of compromise,

and to it we attach a sail made of dreams.

We get it, a boat.

I don't know about you guys,
but weddings make me horny.

Now, before we unite this man
and woman in holy matrimony,

does anyone object?

I do!

I-- I do!

Monogamy is wrong!

We are not meant to possess
each other, or-- or shoes,

or clothes, or bowls.

- My bowl?
- No, no.

It is everyone's bowl.

No, my bowl.

What got into these guys?

This is not the wedding I dreamed of.

Mine.

No, wait. Come back! No! No!

Forget it, Bert. It's Chana-Town.

Get it?

Oh, man.

- Sorry, Bert.
- Yeah, sorry.

I was happy there.

- It was paradise.
- Yeah.

So is Pasadena,

during the week
when Old Town isn't crowded.

I'm just gonna ask it one more time.

How were those people speaking Engwish?

Better question, are we finally
in a normal universe?

Eh, sure looks like it.

Seems normal to me.