Original subtitles

[snores]

[doorbell rings]

[snores]

[doorbell rings]

[rings again]

Go away.

[groans]

- Yeah? - Well, good morning.

Mr. Jordan?

Uh, yeah-- say, uh,

you wouldn't have a cigarette you could spare, would you?

Uh, sorry, Mr. Jordan, uh, I don't smoke.

Uh, how 'bout you?

Sorry, buddy, but I'm a chewer.

Uh, well, anyway, where would you like it, Mr. Jordan?

Like what?

Why, your delivery, Mr. Jordan.

Hey, hey, look, there's gotta be some mistake.

I haven't ordered anything but pizza in the last six months.

Uh, this is just a delivery, Mr. Jordan, uh, not a C.O.D.

Whatever it is, it's already been paid for by the sender.

Yeah, okay, bring it in.

[grunts]

Hm, TV?

Who the hell would send me a TV?

I don't even watch TV.

[music plays]

[Jordan] Well, what is this shit?

[click] Ahh.

[music plays again]

Achh.

Talk about ugly.

[click]

What the--

Shit.

[silence]

[snores]

[buzzing]

[explosion]

Well, you want to handle this one or should I?

We're still a team, aren't we?

I told ya if headquarters didn't get their act together,

they'd start mixing up shipping orders.

What I'm wondering is, what the hell did we deliver to the...

Institute for the Studies of the Occult?

[doorbell rings]

[rings again]

We're supposed to be runnin' a deliver service,

not a wake up service.

Hello, Mr. Jordan?

Holy shit!

[rock music plays]

[cab driver] $23.60.

Are we here?

21 Shady Lane Avenue, sweetheart.

Just wanted to make sure.

I thought you said this was your house.

It is, but I haven't ever been here before.

Actually, it's my parents' place.

Oh.

But they haven't ever been here either.

[creaks]

Miss Blair?

Yes.

Wanna sign on line 11, please?

Sure.

[giggles]

[door rattles]

[gasps]

Uh.

Jeff!

[laughs]

How are ya, sis?

So, when do Mom and Dad get back in the country, anyway?

Well, I talked to a guy at Dad's office

and he said maybe the middle of next week.

I guess life in Saudi Arabia

isn't all the fun and games it's cracked up to be.

They say they're back in the U.S. for good this time.

Great, now that we're grown up and don't need them,

they'll be around.

Don't hold it against them, Jeff.

We've all got a lot of lost time to make up for.

So, what about you?

What are you up to?

Well, I start my first semester at the university

the first of next month.

You got in-- great.

What's your major?

Aerobics.

Aerobics?

Yeah.

You know, aerobics.

You can't major in aerobics.

Well, it may not be higher education, but it's a degree, Jeff.

And I'm taking it very seriously.

I'm almost afraid to ask you what your minor is.

- Music videos. - Seriously?

Yeah, seriously.

[doorbell rings]

Uh, hello, sir, my name's Daniels-- Joshua Daniels.

And I was given this address by the Hi-Lite Delivery Service.

So?

Well, seems there's been a mix up of some sort.

It was a package, a crate.

It was delivered here by mistake some time back.

Sorry, mister, there hasn't been any package.

- We just moved in. - You just moved in?

Oh, so, what about the people who were here before you?

Where can I find them?

You got me, pal.

Look, we're just the kids here, my folks are out of the country.

But they probably wouldn't know anyway

since my dad's company got us the place.

Listen to me, young fella,

I drove up all the way from Texas.

I been starin' at that little yellow line for three days straight.

You see, it looks like an ordinary TV set, but it isn't.

More lives'll be lost if it isn't found.

Yeah, well, I really appreciate your telling me this,

but, uh... I forgot to brush my teeth, so I gotta go.

Bye.

Damn fool.

You damn fool!

Who was that, Jeff?

Some totally gnarly dude.

He was trying to talk us into buying a TV or somethin'.

- I got rid of him. - Huh.

[female] I want you... ...think about you all night.

Make love to me, Jeff.

I want you.

I want you to come into the attic with me, Jeff.

Come into the darkness. [laughs]

[sighs] Come on, already, there's work to do.

Look what I found in the attic-- a TV.

Great, now we have three.

Come on, there's a lot to do before Mom and Dad get here.

I wonder if this is what that old buzzard was talking about.

- Hello, there. - Ah!

Oh, I didn't hear you comin'.

I'm your new neighbor. Welcome to Shady Lane.

Oh, thanks, I'm Jeff, Jeff Blair.

I'm April-- don't you hate it?

Sounds like the smell they put on Kleenex.

I was just about to get something to drink.

- You wanna come in? - All right.

- Do you mind if I take the dog in? - Yeah, sure.

Mind if I take the dog off the leash?

He's wearing my arm out.

Sure, I love animals.

Me too, but I don't count poodles as animals.

Funny you should say that.

I hate poodles too.

Uh, how 'bout a nice glass of fresh water for a change of pace?

[barks]

So, where are your parents?

Well, right now, Saudi Arabia.

They're moving back to the States.

My sister and me are kinda helping out--

gettin' the house together.

[barks]

[growls]

[growls back]

[dog cries]

Huh?

Chocolate?

Look, why don't you calm down?

He can't of gotten far.

You don't understand, he likes to chase skunks in the woods.

And when he finds them, he tries to mate with them.

Only, skunks don't like to mate with poodles.

So, they spray him and then he really gets turned on.

[Jeff] Chocolate.

[April] Chocolate?

Chocolate.

Chocolate?

Chocolate.

Chocolate?

Chocolate.

He's gotta be out here somewhere.

Do you have any concept how big these woods are?

Don't you find it a little creepy living in the murder house?

Living in the what?

Geez, you mean nobody told you?

Told me about what?

About the man that used to live there, Mr. Jordan.

He was a pretty famous writer.

Anyway, he was murdered.

In our house?

Come on, this is a joke, right?

Uh, I think we better keep looking out for the dog.

Chocolate.

Chocolate?

Chocolate.

Chocolate!

Chocolate.

Chocolate!

Oh, no!

What?

There!

Oh, Christ.

Looks like a heart attack.

My goose is cooked.

I could get reform school for this.

Hey, it wasn't your fault.

But this is Abe and Beverly Turkow's poodle.

It was never supposed to be let off the leash.

They never had any kids.

They worship this thing.

Well, if it's so important, they should have it stuffed and mounted.

[buzzing]

Gonna take one hell of a story to cover my ass on this one.

Hey, I've got it.

- You do? - The dog swallowed a ball.

You were walking the dog on the leash

and some total jerk threw the ball to the dog

and he accidentally swallowed it.

All we have to do is push the ball down the dog's throat.

They'll never know the difference.

That is really sick.

You think it'll work?

[phone rings]

Hello, Ellison residence.

April?

Oh, April, uh, one minute please.

Who is it, Maria?

It's for April.

April?

It's for you.

Okay, I got it.

Hello?

Hi, it's me.

Jeff, I'm glad you called.

It worked, you really saved me.

I really owe you one.

So, they bought it, huh?

Like a charm.

Only there's one little thing that you should know about.

You know how I was supposed to tell them

someone threw the ball to Chocolate?

Well, they asked me who and your name just kinda popped into my mind.

My name?

I'm sure-- don't worry.

Mr. Turkow didn't think he'd press charges.

Press charges?

Don't worry, he won't.

Besides, the important thing is that it worked

and, well, I'm gonna make it up to you.

You are?

Yeah, I am.

Well, my folks won't be out of town forever.

Why don't you come over to my place?

[giggles] I'm sure I can't.

Anyway, you're not gonna believe this--

my dad is sleeping with the maid.

It's so gross.

Anyway, I gotta go.

Call me again tomorrow.

Girls.

[click]

[Jeff] Go for it, dude.

[screams]

Come on.

What a piece a junk. [click, click, click...]

That's more like it.

Too bad your little girlfriend couldn't come over

and keep you company tonight.

[laughs]

Damn, you don't know what they put in this stuff nowadays.

Jesus.

How did you get in here?

[giggling]

I can't believe this is really happening.

Mm-mm. [giggles]

You know, Jeff,

I've been waiting

such a long, long time for this moment.

Such a long, long time.

You have?

Yes, Jeff, I have. [giggles]

Mm-mm, Uh.

[giggles]

[laughs]

Hey, where are you?

I don't get it.

Why are you leaving?

Next thing you'll be asking me for my phone number.

How do I get in touch with you?

[laughs]

There's someone in the room with you.

[Jeff] No!

Uh.

Why did you kill her?

You don't know... what you're messin' with.

Why in the hell don't you leave it alone?

Who is she?

They look just like you and I.

But inside... inside they're-- they're different.

They have no soul.

Who are you?

They call me the garbage man.

I dispose of human garbage.

Why are you telling me all this?

Because you're in danger.

There's been a little accident.

An escape.

They are very real and very dangerous, Jeff.

Be careful.

No, wait.

- What do I do? - Take the TV...

and lock it in the basement.

And do one more thing--

Get a mirror

and put the shiny side next to the screen.

[chuckles]

A mirror.

That's it for me.

Oh, man...

Oh, God.

[thinking] Come on.

Come on, come on.

Uh!

[pants]

Oh, oh, Jesus!

Oh, God, I must be losing my mind.

[disposal activates]

[grinding]

What are you doing, Jeff?

It's 6:30 in the morning.

Me?

Uh, just cleaning up, Zoe.

You're acting really strange, Jeff.

Me?

[giggles] Yes, you.

Where's the hallway mirror, by the way?

Th-- the mirror?

I don't know anything about the mirror.

Okay, what's going on?

Nothing's going on.

Honest.

You are acting really strange.

That's the way I am.

I'm a strange person.

Dad, I'm leaving for school.

[snores]

[sniffs]

[blender starts]

[snoring]

[prays to herself]

[growls]

[woman whimpers] [ghoul growls]

Huh?

Who is it?

Who's there?

[ghouls growl]

[screaming]

[radio] Coconut fudge delights-- are you ready?

Start with one cup flour,

then add one teaspoon baking soda,

next, add two whole eggs,

and then one egg yolk.

And next, be sure to stay tuned.

We'll be right back.

Oh, honey, you're gonna love these-- coconut fudge delights.

Mm-mm.

Well, that concludes today's recipe.

Be sure to tune in tomorrow

Finished, what about the coconut? - for more Cooking Fun

- What do I do with the coconut? - in Mike's Kitchen.

[buzzes]

[gasps]

[water runs]

Honey, remember the stock that Filipe,

the busboy at the country club told me about?

You'll never guess where it's at now.

Of course, you made me put the money in the bank.

Wish you'd let me wear the pants in this house.

Jesus, honey, when was the last time you had a shower?

You stink.

Oh, oh.

[screams]

[siren]

Sounds like they're headed for the end of the road.

April.

[siren grows louder]

[tires screech]

[ambulance radio]

[tires screech]

- Jeff. - Are you okay?

They're dead, Jeff--

both Dad and Maria.

Listen to me, April,

we have to get out of here.

Go someplace that's safe.

What about the police?

If what I think happened here is true,

it's gonna be a long time before they figure this one out.

Wish I could make time fly forward

and be ten years from now and this would all be just a memory.

[doorbell rings]

You're back.

Mister, I sure hope you're gonna welcome me in.

Because I'm just about the only chance that you all got.

[door closes] Jeff?

- Zoe, this is-- - Daniels, Joshua Daniels.

This is the man who came by yesterday morning.

I think we should at least hear him out, Zoe.

Sure thing you should hear me out.

Now that four people's dead and gone already.

Does he know something about the murders, Jeff?

And there's no doubt about it.

It was the video dead.

Video dead?

Somebody better tell me what's going on

and they better tell me right now!

I'll tell you what I know.

It's the TV.

I picked it up at a house sale.

My wife lost her life because of it.

And she weren't the only one.

But exactly how does a TV set kill somebody?

The TV don't kill nobody.

It's what comes out of the TV does the killin'.

Well, then why didn't you just destroy the thing?

Oh, sister, don't you think I tried? But you can't.

It sneaks into your brain and...

plays tricks.

Most I could do was package it up and send it on.

That has got to be the most far-fetched story

I've heard in my entire life.

Jeff,

you're not buying this, are you?

Listen, sister, the slaughter's begun already.

You look the other way, you might just end up

gettin' a nice sized bite taken outta your rear end.

Look, mister!

You just watch your mouth!

You can't come into my house and just start--

Stop it!

Stop it, the both of you.

I can't take it anymore.

Oh, let's go upstairs and get you moved in, okay?

You can sleep in my parents' room tonight.

Women.

She's been through a lot for one day.

[growls]

She's upstairs taking a bath, Jeff.

I want him and his video dead out of here before she's through.

I reckon a damn fool's runnin' your family, boy.

[gasps]

[thunderclap]

[growls]

Oh, my God.

[growls]

Help.

Jeff?

Jeff.

Zoe, what is it, what happened?

They got her, Jeff.

They got her.

She may still be alive.

Come on!

[Joshua] No! No, Jeff.

Don't go, damn it.

What do you think I'm here for?

I'm here to end this once and for all.

And I'm countin' on you for a little help.

You go out there now, I'm not get even that.

'Cause you'll be dead.

So, whatta we do?

We start by collectin' mirrors--

every one you can find.

Big, medium, small-- just get me mirrors.

Now!

Well, that's every mirror in the house.

It sure is.

Now what happens?

We set tight 'til sunup.

If you're goin' out huntin',

helps to be able to see what you're after.

You have to be crazy.

I can't believe I've let this go on as long as I have.

We're gonna call the police

and we're gonna get out of here, right now!

Tonight!

Sure, go and call the police.

Hello, officer, we got some dead people in my house.

Yes, sir.

Sure are still up and walking around.

He's got a point, Zoe.

Well, if the cops won't believe us, then at least we can get out of here.

He's got a truck, I saw it parked outside.

Just forget April ever existed?

- I didn't mean that. - And what about Mom and Dad?

They're gonna be living in this house pretty soon too, you know?

[Joshua] Runnin' away ain't no solution.

I tried that once.

Folks is dead 'cause of it.

I'm listening, mister.

[Jeff] But why mirrors?

The reason for the mirrors is simple.

The dead can't stand to look at themselves.

Same goes for when a living person come up again' one of 'em.

When a living person shows fear,

it all comes home again

that they're different.

All they want to do is kill the only thing they can never be.

The living.

But what if a person could keep from showing fear?

Wouldn't he be safe?

Keep from showing fear?

Only two ways of doin' 'em in.

At least as far as I know.

First is to trap 'em in a place

from which there is absolutely no escape.

Then they go crazy.

Eat themselves.

And the other way?

The other way is much more simple.

Since they think they're alive,

by attacking them like you would the living

with guns, knives, anything,

for a time, they can actually be convinced they're dead.

To make that death final, however,

they must not be buried.

But left instead to be reclaimed by mother nature.

Then will this all be over?

Will they really be dead?

Then they'll be where they belong--

in death.

[clock ticking]

[snores]

[chomping]

[screams]

Uh!

Oh.

Have yourself a little nightmare?

Seemed so real.

Are you leaving now?

Sun's up, sister.

What's in your bag?

I found it.

Jeff?

We're leaving, Zoe.

We're gonna take care of this once and for all.

Just wait here 'til we come back.

Just promise me you'll be careful.

Promise me you'll come back.

Of course I'll come back, Zoe.

Come on.

You're making a big deal out of nothing.

These are the keys to my truck.

If we're not back by ten minutes to sundown,

take it and get the hell outta here.

[birds hooting]

Does everybody in Texas wear a hat like that?

What's wrong with my hat, boy?

Aw, never mind.

[labored breathing]

[snap]

Ah!

What the hell is wrong with you, boy?

Jesus Christ.

Don't you ever sneak up on me like that again.

I didn't sneak up on you, boy.

You sneak up on me like that again,

you know what's gonna happen to you?

No, boy, you tell me.

Death and destruction.

Okay, boy, whatever you say.

And that's another thing.

My name isn't boy.

It's Jeff.

Think you can handle that?

Okay, boy. [guffaws]

Go ahead, have your fun.

Cow shit.

What'd you call me?

I called you cow shit.

You call me boy, I call you cow shit.

Okay, cow shit?

Okay, I get your point.

Let's just call each other by our proper names.

No more cow shit, no more boy.

You can call me Mr. Daniels.

Thank you, Mr. Daniels.

[Jeff] Hey, through here.

This looks like a shortcut.

I think we best slow up for a while.

Are you okay?

You look like you're gonna have a heart attack.

Never mind about me. [coughs]

You said there was an old shack out here?

Can you take me to it?

Yeah, I think so.

- April! - Are you nuts?

If they find us before we're ready for 'em,

[chuckles] you won't be alive for that girlfriend.

She's not my girlfriend.

She's just a friend, that's all.

You seem pretty concerned for just a friend.

Oh, forget it.

I have to take a leak, anyway.

[unzips]

Jesus.

[zips up]

We've got some company, Mr. Daniels.

Huh?

Where, are you sure?

[Joshua] Get him before he gets you.

Easy now.

Again, try it again.

Phew, these arrows must be warped.

I think you're warped, boy.

- [groans] - Good shot!

This one's for April.

[groans]

[Joshua hoots]

Good shootin', boy.

I got one.

I actually got one.

You sure as hell did, Mr. Blair.

Will you look at that stupid son of a bitch?

Not alive. Can't feel nothin'.

Stick a couple a arrows in it-- thinks it's dyin'.

So, now what happens?

Best get my bag, Mr. Blair.

We got a little touch-up work to do on this one yet.

Yeah, sure.

[groans]

Here ya go.

[grunts]

Oh, God.

I never said this would be pretty, Mr. Blair.

Well, you're not going to believe this,

my all-time-- absolute all-time favorite horror movie

is the Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

I've seen it six times.

This ain't no game, Mr. Blair.

Damn it, I know this isn't a game.

Look, I saw him first.

I shot him.

It's only fair that I get to use the chainsaw.

I don't suppose you want me to show ya how to work this baby.

Use this?

I told ya, I've seen the movie six times.

Stand back and watch the master at work.

[chainsaw starts]

[Joshua] Oh, all right! All right! [hoots]

[Jeff] I think I'm gonna be sick.

You done yourself proud, Mr. Blair.

[Jeff] So, how long will he stay like that?

Isn't an exact science.

We best just move on.

There's plenty more where that'n came from.

There it is.

There's some bells in here.

Copper bells.

Tie 'em to these branches.

Don't ask me how or why,

but when the dead are around

those bells start rattlin' like an earthquake.

There's a bear trap in there too.

Put that someplace where it'll do some good.

Right.

All set.

And do you mind tellin' me what's going on?

Not at all.

We're settin' a trap.

A trap?

Great.

What are we usin' for bait?

Oh, no.

There's no way I'm goin' through with this.

Cut me down.

But son, you'll be completely safe up there.

Cut me down right now, Joshua.

You wouldn't talk to me that way if I was down on the ground.

It's not like I'm leavin' ya up there alone.

I'll be right in the shed--

pickin' 'em off one by one.

Now, be silent.

On one condition.

I don't like conditions.

Give me the chainsaw.

At least that way if they get to me, I'll have a chance to fight back.

Okay, you got a deal.

[bird hoots]

Are you sure you got a clear shot from there?

[laughs]

[bells ringing]

Joshua, something's happening.

Joshua!

Oh, shit.

Joshua!

Come on, you asshole!

[growls]

[shotgun blast]

[growling]

Joshua!

Joshua, come on!

[chainsaw starts]

It's about time.

Uh, uh!

Oh, shit.

Oh, oh.

Coming, Mr. Blair. Hang on.

Be off, be off!

Be off or you'll wind up like all these others!

Be off!

[hoots and laughs]

We did it, Mr. Daniels.

We wiped them out.

Uh!

We sure as hell did.

We sure as hell did, Mr. Blair.

Now, we'd better load up

and track that little lady down.

[owl hoots]

[animal hoots and cries]

She's gotta be out here somewhere.

[chainsaw idling]

[Joshua] Eeahh!

Think she went far?

How the hell should I know.

You're the expert, aren't you?

[growls]

[whimpers]

[Joshua moans]

[growls]

Uh!

Ow!

[click]

[chainsaw revs]

[moans]

Uhh!

April.

[growls]

[grunts]

[sighs] Jeff where are you?

[thinking] Jeff,

Went for help.

Zoe.

- [growling] - [Zoe] Oh, no.

Oh!

Oh, God.

Oh.

Oh, no.

[growls]

Oh!

[heavy breathing]

Uh!

[groans]

[roars]

[screams]

Go away.

[clunk]

[scraping]

Oh, please, stop.

[door closes]

[sobs]

[voice of Joshua] When a living person shows fear,

all they wanna do is kill.

[voice of Jeff] But what if a person could keep from showing fear?

How nice to see you all.

[Zoe giggles]

Oh,

won't you come in?

I hope you'll enjoy this.

It's a recipe that's been in my family for generations.

[Zoe] Mm-mm.

[gasps]

[Zoe] You want me to sit?

[growls]

Oh, how silly of me, I almost forgot.

Would you like-- a drink?

A nice warm drink?

[growls]

[breathes heavy]

Oh.

Here.

There. [giggles]

[voice of Joshua] To kill 'em,

trap 'em in a place from which there is absolutely no escape.

Then they'll go crazy.

Eat themselves.

[grunting and groaning]

Dancing, let's go dancing.

Of course, this isn't the proper place for dancing.

The best place for dancing is in the basement.

Or didn't you know that?

Of course, for true dancing

uses a live orchestra.

But for tonight this record player should do.

[laughs]

I almost forgot the-- the record.

Yeah.

So, uh, I left them upstairs,

but I'll go get 'em

and then I'll come right back.

Okay? [grunts]

I--

Uh!

[groans]

[whimpers]

[grumbling]

[groaning]

[music plays]

[caws]

I just don't understand what could have happened.

Just pray it's not drugs, dear.

I've been a good father to them.

Now, remember what the doctor said, dear--

we have to treat her just as if she were well.

Good morning, darling.

I hope you slept well.

Heck, I slept like a ton a bricks.

I always sleep best in the fall.

Well, we're off to do some shopping, honey.

But before we go, we have a little surprise for you.

We brought it from home for you, dear.

Your father and I hope it keeps you company.

Sorry.

[growls]

[Zoe screams]