Original subtitles

What the fuck? That must have crawled into my arms in the night, little...

Right, a bit of telly.

Fucking go on, you cunts. Smash the fuck out of it.

That's like us, innit? We do what the fuck we like, don't we?

-Yeah, chaos. -Yeah!

Have that telly through the fucking window.

-Yes! Yes! -Yeah!

-Let it fucking burn. -Fucking looting and fucking robbing.

-Have that. -Stabbing.

Big bag of rice. Go on.

-You ever been stabbed? -Oh yeah.

-You ever been stabbed? -Stabbed, no.

-Fingered, yes. -Who by?

By a bunch of boys. Summer holiday.

Bunch of boys kicking cans down the street. You know the sort.

-Yeah. -Bored out of their minds. They see me.

-Pick me up by the tail. -See your arsehole.

Take me back to their home. Their dad's made them a treehouse.

-Up the ladder. In the treehouse. -All sorts up there.

Secrets they'll keep forever.

So, uh, you know, just exploring their childhood, exploring me.

-So this boy put his finger up your arse? -Yeah. Absolutely.

Then he just put me on the floor, walked away, and I fell asleep.

Job done.

Are we looking for my house again?

Give us a chance, kid. I've only just woken up.

I haven't even fucking yawned and stretched yet. You know what I mean?

Aren't you gonna stretch?

What, are we in the fucking army or summat like that?

-Hi, gang. -Fuck off.

Oh, charming.

-"Charming." -Yeah, fucking charming.

Straight away. First thing in the morning! "Charming"! Fucking hell.

We're having a convo about this cunt getting fingered,

then you come round with "charming"!

-What? -What sort of talk is that?

Is that charming? Getting fingered in the bum?

That's what he'd say if he was fingered!

"Oh, charming! Carry on."

Dirty fingernails up your jax.

Yeah! He goes to the vet. He has a fucking thermometer put up his arse.

"Oh, can we go to the vet, Mummy?" "Why?"

"'Cause I want someone to fucking probe me!"

I'm not asking for the anal penetration.

That is simply to work out whether I have a fever.

It's completely legit.

Dirty boy.

What's, um... what's going on in here?

-Fuck all. -Fuck all, mate.

We just yawned and stretched. Gus yawned. He hasn't stretched yet.

No, you've gotta stretch. Seriously, that's how you get arthritis.

I've stretched, had my breakfast, absolutely destroyed my scratching pole.

-You should see. -And come around here like a little cunt.

-Not little or a cunt. -As usual.

-Hiya. -Hi, Olive.

-What's up? -Gus hasn't even stretched yet.

Fuck me! Can we talk about summat else? Where's the kid?

I'm here!

Where do you live, Olive?

Got my own place upstairs.

-Why don't you live down here? -'Cause it fucking stinks.

-Huh. -Charming.

I need some fresh air, actually.

Just, uh... just wanted to let you know that it's lucky you came to me, really.

-Why? -Well...

Because I'm the best cat in the neighborhood.

-Are ya? -Not for me to say.

Who should I ask?

Well, don't ask anyone, 'cause they probably won't know,

because they're not as good as me.

Just be grateful.

Thanks, Gus.

No problem.

Right, let's find your house.

And on the way, cause some fucking havoc.

There's Old Pete.

-Hey, guys. -Hello, mate.

Oh.

-Oh dear. -Hi, Pete.

-Hello, Pete. -You okay?

-Just getting old. -Yeah.

Happens to all of us.

-So... -See you, mate.

-Good luck. -See you later, Peter.

Anyway, ciao.

There's that cat that you fancy with her boyfriend who you're scared of.

-I'm not scared. -Yes, you are, mate.

Listen, I'll fucking sort him out if you're scared.

No, leave it. I'm not... I'm not fucking scared!

-You look scared. -Doesn't bother me.

-'Cause I'm not scared of anything. -You are. Spiders.

I'm talking about aggro, ain't I?

-Spiders don't count. -Why?

Uh... Oh, why? Oh, I dunno.

Maybe the fucking eight legs and fucking ten eyes the cunts have got.

-That's why. -Fucking shit creature, mate.

Absolutely shit. The most horrible little fucking creature on earth, I'd say.

Blob of shit with a load of thread hanging off it.

-Incredible builders, though. -What?

They say a cobweb, if it was the equivalent size,

is as strong as a steel pylon. Have you heard that?

-Fuck their cobwebs. -Oh, okay.

But it's not as big, is it? So let's smash it.

Next time you see a spider building a web, just wait. "Oh yeah, go on. Go on."

-It's taking hours. Oh, that's lovely! -Well done. Well done.

Right. You get the spider out of the way. I'll smash the fuck out of that web.

How long's that? Two days?

-Yeah! -Fuck your web!

-Okay, so you're gonna just wait two days. -Yeah.

Next to a spider spinning its web, and then just destroy his web?

-Yeah! -In seconds?

Just what? For entertainment?

-Animal kingdom, mate. Animal rules. -Okay.

Exactly, and just know I'm not scared of anything.

-What about a crocodile? -Nah.

Smack it. Run away from it.

Smack it?

Yeah, just whack it. Run away. It's got stumpy little legs.

In the water, forget it. That's his domain.

I admit that, but I'm never gonna go in the water, am I?

-Are you scared of water? -No!

No, of course I'm fucking not!

Messes your hair up, doesn't it? Makes you look a right cunt.

Being drenched in water is the worst thing.

There's one thing worse than being in water.

-What? -Elephant pissing on you.

-What? Why is it pissing on you? -It does it for a laugh.

I just had a thought.

We're evolved from lions, aren't we?

-We are little lions, aren't we? -Yeah.

Right? And one elephant against one lion, sure, the lion's absolutely fucked.

But I've seen four lions take down an elephant working together.

So what's our equivalent? What's the biggest thing we could take down

if we worked together as a gang?

Dunno. Fat kid?

-Yeah. -Yes, let's bag us a fucking fat kid.

Yeah, to the school.

No.

-No. -No.

-I think you'll get in trouble for this. -Why will I get in trouble? The police?

Well, yeah, actually.

Oh. Oh, "You are arrested." "What for?" "For being a cat, taking down a fat kid."

Not for being a cat. For trying to kill a child, yes.

-Yeah, but... -For nature...

It's not illegal for a cat to kill a child. No, it's not!

I'm pretty sure it is.

No, it's not! A cat can do what the fuck it wants!

-Hm, no. -Dogs get put down.

You've got your fucking XL bullies, your fucking... all them,

but a cat has never been put down for killing anything.

Diminished responsibility. I'm a fucking moron!

-Yeah! -Hm. Okay. Good luck pleading that case.

Yeah, we're as thick as fucking arseholes, aren't we?

Even humans get off if you're a fucking div. You go, "What happened?"

"I killed... I killed about 20 people."

"Oh, did you, Johnny? Oh, we're not gonna hang you."

"We're gonna put you in an institution."

"And you're gonna have jelly with all these pills."

"And we're gonna put electrodes on your little bollocks."

"I like that." Of course you fucking do. You're a mental case!

He gets away with it. A cat gets away with it. We ain't got a brain.

We've got fucking brains the size of walnuts.

We're allowed to kill what the fuck we want.

Can't we kill people by sitting on their faces?

-Yes. -Yeah! A baby in a cot!

-What? -Night, night.

Little baby, go to sleep

Oh, here comes the cat!

Here's a nice warm baby. Would you sleep on a baby to kill it?

'Course I fucking would.

How would you kill a baby if it was all asleep in its cot?

Just get my arse all wet.

Make sure it had a nice bit of suction on it.

Get a good clamp on. Bish-bosh-bash.

You know, responsibility? Ask me two plus two.

I don't even know what numbers are! I'm fucking that stupid!

Yeah, but you seem to know a lot about how to suffocate children in cots

for someone who's as stupid as you claim to be.

We're just talking amongst ourselves. Nothing's fucking happened, has it?

Actually, is it us, or is it foxes that do it?

Foxes rip 'em to shreds.

You leave a baby in the garden, it's your own fault.

Or leave the lean-to doors open.

"Oh, a fox ate my baby!"

Yeah, you left it in the living room with the door open, you cunt!

Oh.

-What have you seen? -Right little gut bucket.

-Oh, fuck me! -Like a plastic bag full of chum.

Oh, we're not gonna have to fucking eat for a week.

Oh God. How do you kill it? Just bite through its neck?

-You're not actually gonna eat him. -'Course we are.

-Look. -What do they taste like?

-Dunno. We're gonna find out, aren't we? -Tastes fucking lovely.

-That one will taste bad. -Why?

Well, look at him. I mean, that's very low-quality meat.

-Yeah, but we love fat, don't we? -I love a bit of fat.

Look. Oh, his fucking parents have fed him up lovely.

-Little Wagyu fat kid. -Yeah. "Eat this, darling."

"What do you want?" "I want cake!"

-"Have cake, then, you cunt!" -"Don't cry! Don't cry!"

"Have another bit of cake."

"Yeah, shove it down your fucking throat, you little foie gras fatty fucker."

Parenting with the fucking food.

Okay, here he comes.

Wait for it. Wait for it.

One, two.

Oh fuck!

-Come on. He's had enough. -Where was the three?

-I didn't say three. I jumped on three. -We were waiting for three.

-I know. Yeah. -There's a set thing to these things.

Think. Fucking think.

Is every day this exciting with you guys?

Huh.

I guess.

Anyway, let's find your family.

Oh, look at Old Pete.

He looks fucked, doesn't he?

-Hi, Pete. -Off to the vet.

Yeah.

He'll sort you out.

No.

It's a one-way trip. I heard 'em talking.

And they're right.

I've had a great life.

No point in a few weeks of pain.

It's been a pleasure.

I've... I've heard you don't feel a thing.

See you on the other side.

See you, mate.

-See you, old mate. -See you later.

-Good luck, Pete. -Bye.

-All the best. -Yeah.

Sorry, kid. Do you mind if we carry on looking for your house tomorrow?

I think we're all a bit gutted about Pete.

Yeah, 'course.

How old was Pete?

Really old.

-Like, fucking, what was he? 16? -Mm-hmm.

How long have I got if I live that long?

Well, you're... nought now.

-So 16 minus nought is... -Can you work that out?

-S... Sixteen. Yeah. -Sixteen, yeah.

-Yeah, I was about to... -Were you?

-Yeah. -Okay.

-Working it out. "Can you work that out?" -There was a bit of pause. That's all.

-Don't you pause when you're working out? -Sixteen minus nought.

-You don't pause? -Hm, what could that be?

Just, "Oh! Let's work summat out!" "No! Let's go straight to the answer!"

Where's the working out if you say the answer straight away?

If it's minus nought, there isn't usually a lot of working out.

-Wow. -Says you.

Yeah! Says you, you fucking cunt!

There's always something that fucking spoils the day, isn't there?

We've got so few days to start with, and they're always fucking ruined.

It's tough being a cat.

Better than being a snail though, innit? Getting trampled on.

-Well, yeah. A lot better. -Yeah.

Well, yeah, but I don't wanna compare my life to a snail.

Of course it's fucking better. They've got no conscience, have they?

We fucking introspect, so we know the pain of life.

So we can go, "Oh, woe is me."

A snail doesn't even know it's tough 'cause it doesn't know anything.

It's a fucking bit of snot in a fucking shell, innit? Cunt.

You spoken to one?

No, I haven't. There's no point 'cause they haven't got any...

-They got no chat, have they? -They got no fucking bants.

You can go to a snail, "All right, mate, what are you doing?"

-"What?" -Just be careful, and pipe it down.

-Why? -Could be rude.

What? Be rude?

He's sticking up for those slimy little cunts.

-Why? Why? -Yes, I am, actually.

You rubbing 'em on your knob?

I hang out with snails when I'm not with you, and they're a nice bunch.

-You hang out with snails? -Yeah.

-Why? -We go up the recreation park.

-Hang out by the slides. -How long does that take you?

-Day and a half. -What do you talk about?

We just look at each other.

You're just accompanying snails very slowly to the slides?

Do they know where they're going, or are they going and you're following?

Are you just observing snails?

No, I'm taking the lead, mate.

Fucking hell. I'll tell you what's like a snail,

but better and lives a lot longer, a tortoise.

I wonder what being a tortoise is like.

I know what fucking one's like.

Night.

-Night. -See you.

Gus.

What?

I definitely have to die, right?

Yeah.

I don't wanna not exist.

I... I wanna live forever.

Well...

Well, in a way, you do live forever

because we live on in the memories of the friends and family

that knew us, and they remember things we did and said, and so

even though we're not around sort of physically,

we are sort of still here in a way.

Hm.

So you'll live on forever through all the things you've taught me.

Yeah.

Well, the sun is surely sinking down

But the moon is slowly rising

So this old world Must still be spinning round

And I still love you

So close your eyes

You can close your eyes

It's all right

I don't know no love songs

And I can't sing the blues anymore

But I can sing this song

And you can sing this song When I'm gone

It won't be long