Original subtitles

Great whites are found in temperate and tropical regions

around the world.

They prefer cooler waters and are often spotted in areas

with high concentrations of prey, such as seal colonies.

Hey, guys. What you up t...

-Ow! What was that for? -What?

Why did you swipe me in the face?

I'm a cat. That's what cats do.

-Yeah, but why? -Don't know. It's just what I do.

-What you do? -Yeah.

-Right. -I just do stuff.

I don't.

I do fuck all. Eat shit and die, that's my motto.

-Eat... You eat shit? -No.

Eat comma shit, and die.

-You do eat shit. -I have eaten shit.

I've eaten his shit.

-Yeah, lapped it all up, didn't ya? -Yeah, big old lump. Loved it.

All gone. Yum, yum.

All gone in my tum-tums.

-Fuckin' hell. -Oh my God.

We're watching a thing about sharks. Well hard, those bastards.

You know what the most dangerous animal on the planet is, right?

-Easy. Shark. -No.

-What? -No.

-What could beat a shark? -Right, well...

-Killer whale. -No, no, listen.

-Man. -Pfft. What man?

Yeah, what man in the sea bobbing around like a cunt

is more dangerous than a fucking killer whale?

-Or a shark. -I'm not talking about an individual man.

I don't mean that. I mean humans.

-All right. -When I say man... Mankind.

Man and woman, mainly man, is the most dangerous animal

because he's destroying the planet.

-So he's gonna kill all life. -Fuck him, then. Fuck man, then.

-Okay. -When will he destroy it?

I don't have an exact date.

-I mean, not for years. We'll all be dead. -Brilliant.

By that point, actually, this is interesting,

the whole world will be run by robots.

Not interesting at all. Anything you say isn't interesting. Remember that.

You're not interested in what the robots are gonna do?

-No! -Fuck robots!

-Yeah, what can they do? -Now you're interested. You do wanna know.

What can fucking robots do? Interest us.

-Control the weather. -What sort of cunt says "interesting"?

What sort of cunt says fucking interesting?

-"Actually, interestingly..." -In front of us?

Fuck robots up the arse.

-In our lair? -You know nothing.

We don't wanna know nothing! That's how we've survived for so long.

I fucking love living in ignorance.

-Shit for fucking brains and proud. -Yeah.

Always, always eye-opening talking to you guys.

Brown-eye opening.

-Fucking wank off over a robot? -Okay. Great stuff. Great stuff.

I'm not gonna wank off over a robot, thank you.

I'm gonna go home and have some salmon.

In search of prey comes one of the world's deadliest snakes.

Jesus Christ!

It's all right. It's all right. It's gone. It's gone.

In the undergrowth, a mouse braves the shadows to forage for food.

Oh, fucking hell.

-One bite, mate. -I'd torture it first.

Yeah, I'd fuck it.

That's made me hungry, looking at that.

Let's go to the graveyard and catch us some lunch.

We pray to thee, our God...

Fuck's sake.

How long does this shit take? Just bury the cunt and fuck off.

-Frightening all the mice. -Here comes your sister, Olive.

She's not my sister. She's my half-sister or cousin or summat like that.

-All right? -Dumb as a bag of spanners.

-Who you calling dumb? -Now you're in trouble.

No, it was a genuine question. She has no idea who I was calling dumb.

Oh. Fuck me, she is dumb.

Who?

-Hey, guys. Sorry for your loss. -What?

-Well, was it someone you know? -Nah.

Just some dead loser who's scaring off all the mice by being buried.

Oh, you're out hunting.

I just had some tinned chicken and rabbit in a rich gravy with added calcium.

Ooh, did ya?

And then did you sit on Mummy's lap and have a little brushy?

-You have pudding after? -I had pudding during brushing.

-Fucking hell. -Oh God.

It can be painful, so it's to take the edge off.

"I'm Ponce. I live in a big house,

and Mummy and Daddy love me and give me fucking gravy."

You have pud-pud?

-"Goo-goo-gaga. Me want pud-pud." -Yeah.

You fucking ponce.

-That sounds nice. -It was.

Why don't you two fuck off and get married, then?

Okay.

No. No, thanks.

-Oh, okay. -Yeah, not... not how it works.

Fucking hell.

John Fletcher.

Born 1940.

-Old prick. -How do you wanna die?

Uh... hand job?

-How would you die of that? -Dunno. I panicked when you asked me.

-Wanna think about it? -I've gone off the idea.

Okay, what, then?

Parkinson's.

-Olive. -What?

-How do you wanna die? -Oh. Um...

I think if I knew I was ill, I'd probably just kill myself.

-How? -I dunno. I'd throw myself off a building.

Yeah, but then you'd be all right.

-What? -You'd land on your feet.

You've only got nine lives. The tenth time I jump off, I'm gone.

You haven't used any of your lives, 'cause you just land on your feet.

-If I jump ten times, the tenth time... -Try and land on your face!

-Try and land on your face! -I don't think we can.

-Of course we can. -No, it's hardwired.

It's not. If you wanted to kill yourself...

Are you telling me if I went to a building and wanted to kill myself,

I couldn't land on my face if I wanted to?

Instinct.

-You reckon you could land on your face? -Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Easy.

-Easy-peasy. -How? What would you do?

-Headfirst. -You'd have to tie your legs up.

Tie my legs up. Do what you want, love. Just push me off that building.

So truss you up, then get someone to push you?

-Yeah. -Like a fucking oven-ready turkey, tied...

-How would you jump if your legs are tied? -I wanna be pushed.

-I'll push you. -That's not suicide!

But would you wanna be pushed last minute?

"Oh, I don't know when it's coming"? Bit of a surprise.

What, I'm tied up at the top of a building? Bit of a surprise?

-How do you wanna die? -Big fight.

-Against loads of dogs or summat? -I will take on fucking whatever.

Dogs, iguanas.

-Yeah. -Fucking meerkats.

-Yeah. -Do you wanna know? Bosh!

-Yeah! -Animals go missing all the time, mate.

If you wanna end up on a fucking lamppost, your sad little face looking out.

Bit of A4. A few phone numbers fluttering at the bottom.

-Violence never solves anything. -Course it fucking does.

Oh really, tough guy? When does violence ever solve anything?

When you wanna beat the shit out of someone, so you do.

-Bosh! Problem solved! -Yeah!

Saying "bosh" doesn't mean you're just right.

Oh, fucking hell. Yeah.

Well, Mr. Fucking University Bollocks, welcome to the university of life.

Great university. Where is that in the league tables? Low, I imagine.

"Oh, I'm fucking giving you some fucking stick, yeah?" Have that. Bosh.

-Job done. -What... What job are you trying to do?

The fucking main one.

I'm just saying, then you're in a cycle of violence.

-Yeah. -Yeah.

-Okay, and you want that, do you? -It's great.

-Hey, what are you doing? -Ground's all freshly dug.

-It's irresistible. -He's only just cold in the ground.

This shit'll warm him up, then, won't it?

Look at that.

Easy to maneuver.

-Done. Lovely job. -That's absolutely outrageous.

-So disrespectful. -Good. Humans are filth.

No, they're not. Not all of them. Some of them are great.

Attenborough. Malala. My owners, for example.

Owners? Owners? Listen to yourself!

They are my owners. They paid a tidy sum for me, and I'm grateful.

Otherwise, I'd be in a shelter, or worse still, homeless like you lot.

And they treat me very well, so...

If cutting off your bollocks and throwing 'em in the bin is treating you well.

Do not miss them at all. Thank you. They cloud the judgment.

Oh, that's sad. That is fucking sad.

It's like Stockholm syndrome, innit?

You're some sort of trafficked slave,

and even though they're cunts who mutilate you,

they give you pudding, and suddenly you're all, "Ooh, thank you."

What are you to say when someone gives you pudding?

Also, word of advice Mr. Smarty Pants,

call someone a cunt and you won't be getting pudding.

Fuck me.

-What now? -Aw, it's a little baby!

-Should we kill it? -Yes, and eat it.

No! Are you lost, love?

Yeah.

I wandered off from me house, and I don't know how to get back there.

-Where do you live? -If it knew that, it wouldn't be lost.

Shut up. It might know its address but not know the way, you silly twat.

Do you know your address?

No.

Aw, don't cry.

We'll find your house.

All right, it came from that direction, so let's go that way.

We ain't got time for that.

Exactly, we're a fucking gang. Not a thing that helps find lost kittens.

Exactly. Every cat for themselves, innit? It's a dog-eat-dog world.

So you need to man up.

It's tiny, though, and you're all big and strong.

Yeah. Yes.

She's... she's not wrong there, boys.

So we need to get this little cunt home.

Making my way downtown, walking fast

Faces pass and I'm homebound

Staring blankly ahead Just making my way

Making a way through the crowd

And I need you

And I miss you

And now I wonder

If I could fall into the sky

Do you think time would pass me by?

'Cause you know I'd walk a thousand miles

If I could just see you

Tonight

-Do you remember shops? -Not sure.

-Whoa! -What the...?

Fucking hell!

Fucking hell. Just a cucumber. Just a cucumber.

Everyone chill, yeah?

Ugh! Why did you piss everywhere?

-Defense. -What are you, a skunk?

-He fucking smells like one. -No, I'm a cat.

And I piss where I like. Shows territory, ownership.

-So technically, it's mine now. -What is?

Fucking hell!

Jesus Christ. Everyone calm the fuck down.

Let's go.

Huh. Do you mind?

Go for it.

-Good work. -Yeah, nice one.

Shoo! Shoo! Get out of here!

-Fuck off! -Yeah!

-Get fucked. -Twat.

-Why did you knock that plant over? -He's a cat.

-So? -So he's a bit of an arsehole.

-Am I a bit of an arsehole? -Uh, not yet, but you've got potential.

Yeah, stick with us.

I'm hungry.

We all are. Get used to it.

Well, actually, I'm not.

No, you said. You've eaten.

I have, yeah.

Actually, in nine minutes, my little timer opens up

and I get some dried food and some milk.

Why's your food on a timer?

Well, the family are away for the evening. They leave my food,

and I pop in the cat flap, wait for it to open,

and then snooze in a big, lovely empty house.

Whoa, whoa, your house is empty at the moment?

-With loads of cat food? -And there's a cat flap?

Yeah, why?

Oh, leave some of the salmon. I mean, you're meant to digest it slowly.

Okay.

-See you tomorrow. -Gross.

-Twat. -Thanks very much, guys.

-Now I'm gonna be hungry. Bye. -Bye.

-Night-night, cunt. -Right. Careful on the flap!

Hey. That's my mate. Ralfy!

-Gus! -Hey!

-Ralfy! -No!

Driver didn't even stop.

No.

They don't have to. After all, it's just a cat.

People don't care about us.

People don't care about anything except themselves.

They don't even care about each other, to be honest.

It's sad.

It happens, kid.

I guess we're all future roadkill, aren't we?

Better than slowly dying in a hovel of starvation.

Or in agony from kidney failure.

Is that how I'll die?

No.

We'll find your home, and you'll be taken to a vet

when you're old and you'll be given a lovely lethal injection.

-Nice. -Mm.

You won't die for ages though.

What does being dead feel like?

It feels like nothing.

It... it feels like you did before you were born.

You don't even know you're dead. It's just everyone else does.

So you'll just never see him again?

Exactly.

We'll just never see him again.

Well, we'll probably see him again tomorrow, actually.

'Cause the bin men don't come till Thursday.

Unless a fox gets him tonight.

Sorry we didn't find your house. We'll find it tomorrow.

-What if we don't find it tomorrow? -Well, we'll find it the next day, then.

What if we don't find it the next day?

We'll give up.

I'm joking.

We'll keep looking until we do find it, all right? Just cheer up.

Home sweet home.

-Good night. -Night, mate.

Right, you sleep there. All right?

It's not the Ritz, but it'll keep you alive.

Thank you.

It's dark.

Yeah, you're a cat. You can see in the dark.

Yeah, but I don't like what I see.

This is a scary place.

Yeah, life's cruel, but you gotta stand on your own four feet, yeah?

No one can help you but you, kid.

Okay.

Thanks, Gus.