Original subtitles

Good morning. Have you "Conditioned Reflexes“?

Uaughs]

It's by Pavlov.

Yes. Yes, it's out at the moment,

but if you'd like to leave your name

I could reserve it for you.

I'll come back then.

Do.

Oh, er...

would you like to leave your phone number?

I did.

Oh, so you did, yes.

Course you know the reason why you wake up

so early every morning, don't you?

You've got a big emotional problem, Lewis.

Yes, I mean, it's a well-known biological fact

that some of us need more than the normal outlet

for our creative urges.

In the old days, of course,

the seven-year itch was something you scratched,

not landed up in the divorce courts with.

-What price Romeo today, eh? —Hmm.

You can just see him, can't you, writing to the papers?

"Worried teenager, Verona."

Hmm.

Well, I wouldn't give much for his chances

if he tried to climb that drainpipe.

That bloody thing'd collapse before he cocked his leg over the sill.

A couple of inches in the "News of the World"

and a complex for life,

which doesn't help you any.

Look at that wallpaper.

Look at those stags, oh!

Three layers of "house and garden" pink

and they're still rampant.

Probably the paint makes them breed or something, 1 don't know.

You know you're a stag at bay alright, Lewis.

Well, what's it gonna be then, boy, hmm?

Doing something and regretting it or not doing something

and waking up in a state like this every morning?

Hello, pet. Did you wake up then?

Come on.

Oh.

Oh, you are a good boy.

There now.

Darling.

Dar|ing, alarm.

Now don't go to sleep again.

Come on now.

Oh, stop crying now.

Daddy!

Daddy, wake up, Daddy.

Daddy, it's Gwyneth, Daddy.

Don't hit Daddy's head, darling.

Daddy! I want to ask you something.

Don't shout, beauty.

Daddy, were you ever attractive to ladies?

-Morning, Mr Davies. -Aye.

Who let him out?

Sammy!

Sammy.

Sammy. Sammy.

Oh.

Come on now, Sammy bach, come on in now.

Now, you come to Mam and I'll give you some nice warm milk.

Letting him out like that, run over he could've been.

Come on now, Sammy bash, now you come to Mam.

Come on now, my handsome.

Now, come on to Mam, there's a good boy.

Now, get in and stay in!

Oh, that dog, I don't know, always out on the streets,

I don't know what's the matter with him.

Oh, come on.

Oh, come on, you're not trying.

You were laughing, do you know that?

What, what?

Laughing.

I was laughing, when?

All night.

I was laughing all night?

I was awake all night, you mean, don't you?

You know the first time I closed my eyes, 20 past six.

Ten minutes is all I had all night.

Those bloody stags, they're on the march again.

Well, look, I'll give them another coat, there's still some left in the tin.

Want to paint the beggars with quicklime, that's the only answer.

Er... what's this thing doing here?

Some sort of subtle hint or something, is it?

No, I... I just put it out, so you wouldn't forget to post it.

Oh, well, I won't forget to post it.

No, well, it's just that it's been on the mantelpiece for a week.

Hm, yes, I know that, love, 'cause I...

I put it there, you see.

Has to be in tomorrow.

Hm, yes.

So it has to be posted today.

Yes, well, that makes sense, doesn't it, yeah?

Hm, well, that's why I put it on the table.

Oh.

Daddy!

-What, love? -Mind!

You're treading on little Bulk.

Oh, am I? Sorry, Bulky.

Now don't cry, Bulk, he didn't mean it.

He just didn't look.

All better, now dry your eyes

and eat your breakfast like a good little boy.

You haven't changed your mind again, have you?

I mean, you are going to apply for the job?

-Look, Jean, don't let's go into all-- -I know we've been through it all before.

I know you haven't a chance of getting it.

There are other people with much better chances.

That's putting it mildly.

No, my trouble is I'm not sufficiently up in Welsh literature.

At least if you apply, you have a chance of convincing the committee.

And be left there with Welsh egg on my face?

My pride would never stand it.

-What did I go in there for? -Your handkerchief, here.

Oh, yes.

That extra 150 a year would make all the difference.

Jean, you don't have to convince me, love.

I know what a difference it would make,

but I'm realistic, you see?

I don't live in a fool's paradise.

No, you live in three rooms and half a bathroom, with stags.

-Hm. What, love? -Daddy.

Bulk doesn't like you, he just said so.

Oh, really? Jolly good.

Won't hurt to post it, will it?

No, love, look, I was gonna post it anyway.

I think you've got a chance, honestly I do.

I think the days of the stag are numbered.

Yes, well, I certainly hope so.

Bye-bye, Freddie. Bye-bye, love.

Bye-bye, Gwyneth.

Bye-bye, darling.

You've got bad breath, Daddy.

Oh, thank you.

-Don't forget Bulk. -Hm?

Bye-bye, Bulky.

No, properly, you must kiss him properly,

'cause he knows you don't like him.

He's very perceptive, isn't he?

Mmmm.

No, no, he's upside down.

Ah, what else was there?

Work.

Hm, yes.

-Bye, John. -Bye-bye, love.

Gladys!

Come on, your father's waiting for his breakfast.

Sammy.

Who's teasing him again?

Um, you know it's an offence to let a dog on the street

without a collar, don't you, Mrs Davies?

What?

What do you mean, let him out? Mr Lewis!

Hey, hey. Go on, boy, get in, it's your birthday.

Go on, that's it.

Good lad.

Morning, Ieuan.

-Morning, John. -Morning.

-How's the family? -Fine, boy.

-Oh, Meghan's not up to much. -Oh?

Sick as a dog she was this morning,

could hardly raise her lovely head from the pillow.

Oh, dear, the bus.

Excuse me.

Thank you.

-Course you know what brings it on? -What?

- Fares, please. - Oh, town hall, please.

-Three pence, please. -Thank you.

- There you go, sir. - Thank you.

Any more now, please?

Er... Er, the same for me, please.

I'm not gonna jump for it, man.

-I'm sorry. -Can I be of any assistance, John?

-Thank you, yeah. -Thank you, sir.

Now, I was saying about Meghan, you know.

Well, the reason she gets these bad spells

is because she's worried about my chances.

Chances of what?

Well, of getting the job, of course.

Vacancy for sub-librarian.

Oh, yes, yes.

Do you mind?

I mean, I don't want to be a nuisance about it,

but, well, Meghan keeps on, you see.

Well, look, it's an obsession with her.

80 really to, well, to satisfy her really,

well, I just wondered if you, er,

if you intend to apply or not?

Yes, well, I was thinking about having a bash, yes.

Bash?

No, no, not a bash. What I mean is,

I probably will apply for the job, you know, for the laughs.

Anyway, there's no need for you to worry about that, Ieuan.

No, no, indeed, after all, it's...

-it's your life, you've got to lead it. —Hmm.

Er, Ieuan, do you ever, er, do you ever think about other things?

You know, I mean, things like women?

Women?

Yes, you know, women in general, apart from Meghan?

Apart from Meghan?

Well, you know, nothing, I was just thinking about something.

Oh, goodness, I mustjust drop Meghan's prescription in the chemist.

Oh, righto, Ieuan.

-I'II see you later then. -Hm.

Good morning.

Hello, Mr Lewis. Here I am again.

Bet you're glad to see me so bright and early?

I'm one of your best customers, aren't I?

Very nearly, Mr Hyman, yes.

Oh, don't call me that, got a Christian name, haven't I?

You've seen it on the ticket often enough.

Here, I say, have you got any more books like that?

Well, not exactly like that, Mr Hyman, no.

Not quite so many egg stains.

I enjoyed that, you know, loved reading it.

Hm. Yes, I can see you enjoyed reading it.

Well, that's, erm, a shilling to pay

as it's three weeks overdue, you see.

Clot! What the hell you doing? Women drivers!

-You'|| wait here, will you, darling? -Well, I'm a bit late as it is.

Oh, I shan't be a tick, and I can't take Scampi inside.

You haven't got anything to do, have you?

No, except go to work, of course.

Well, nothing serious.

The thing is anybody might see us, see me and that...

Well, what's wrong in that, darling?

It's broad daylight, you're fully dressed, you're not committing any offence.

No, no, of course not.

—Yes. —Alright then.

Don't be too long.

I'd love one of those, wouldn't you?

One of what?

The car, silly.

You are a tease.

That's a shilling you'll have to pay, Mr Hyman.

I don't mind that, I mean, you know what I mean?

It's cheap at the price, when you get a book like this.

Oh, good morning.

I wonder if you could help me, would you?

I mean, I... I really enjoyed that, you know.

I mean, they... they lived happily ever after

and they don't always, do they?

I mean, I hate it when they pay the penalty for their sins

and all that sort of thing.

If you haven't got this, perhaps you've got something else?

Like that?

Yes, that's the whole point.

Well, I could look.

I think it might be a very good idea.

-What, now? -Yes, preferably now.

-Something wrong, Miss Jones, is there? -Oh, yes, this lady's got an inquiry.

Oh, perhaps I can help you?

Yes, I should think you probably could.

It's really quite a simple matter.

I see, yes.

Well, Miss Jones, if you'd like to deal with that gentleman over there,

I'II attend to this, you see.

-Now, then... -I'm so sorry,

I never seem to be able to make myself understood with that sort of girl.

What's the trouble then?

Actually I was looking for a book, or books,

on the history of costume in mediaeval Wales,

preferably with lots of coloured illustrations.

Hm.

I'm designing the costumes for the next production

-of the D'arcy Players, you see. -Ah, yes.

I wonder, would you have any suggestions, Mr...?

Lewis.

Well, have you any suggestions, Mr Lew...?

-Oh. -Hm?

You're not the Mr Lewis, are you?

Well, who is the Mr Lewis?

Not the John Lewis who writes the dramatic criticism

in the "Aberdarcy Chronicle"?

Well, I think that's putting it a bit strong, no,

I do the Gilbert and Sullivan, you know,

and the miners' club pantomime,

but it's hardly Kenneth Tynan country really.

Nevertheless, all the D'arcy Players live in dread

of what you might say. We just quake.

-We||... -I promise you.

By the way, my name is Elizabeth Gruffydd-Williams.

-Oh. -Do you know my husband by chance?

Ah, no, I haven't had that pleasure, no.

Well, Mrs Gruffydd-Williams, if you'd like to come with me

and have a look round the shelves,

I'm sure we shall be able to find the solution to your problems.

There's not a great selection, I'm afraid.

Most of the good stuff is out at the moment.

-Oh. -What about, er,

what about "The Memoirs of a Welsh Hatter",

signed by the hatter, in mint condition, hm?

Psst!

Oh. Er, now then, what have we got here?

There's "The Concise History of Codpieces".

Now that's a very interesting book.

Oh, I don't think that's quite the D'arcy Players.

Charming illustrations.

Yes, yes. It's a very popular book in its way, that one.

Oh.

Yes, it's a very popular book in its way, that is, hm.

Ah, yes, "Expediency and Morality in Welsh Dress".

Now this is... this might be just what you're looking for.

Hm, "Morality in Welsh Dress".

It's got quite a history, this one,

it was only taken off the banned list in 1959,

since when, of course, it hasn't been asked for.

-Rea||y?

No, I don't think so.

No, eh? Hmm.

Well, that's it, I'm afraid.

We haven't made much progress, have we?

Er, no, we, er, we haven't really, have we?

Yes, well, I think that if you'd like to come

and have a word with our Mr Jenkins.

Mr...?

He's the expert round here on all things Welsh.

He'll probably be able... It's through here.

Probably be able to... help you.

Oh, Ieuan, this is Mrs Gruffydd—Williams

who is desperate to pick your brains.

Mrs Williams, I'll leave you in safe hands.

Did I hear him say Mrs Gruffydd-Williams,

- Mrs Gruffydd—Williams? - That's right.

Here, Mr Lewis, do you think I could borrow this?

"Expediency and Morality in Welsh Dress".

I don't see why not, yes.

Pages 28 to 34 inclusive

are the ones you're looking for, Mr Hyman.

-Fine. Thanks. -Hm.

You know what they say, don't you?

What's that?

A page a day keeps the analyst away.

Of course, Mrs Gruffydd-Williams, you can depend that

every avenue will be explored.

Thank you.

I think I've given you all the details, Mr Jenkins,

including my address and telephone number.

We are ex-directory, so do get in touch, won't you?

Oh, naturally, naturally. Mrs Gruffydd-Williams,

of course I'll get, get working right away.

Yes, it's rather important, as Mr Lewis realises.

Yes, yes, of course, Mrs Gruffydd-Williams.

And thank you. And thank you, John.

How's the wife?

She's very well, thank you, Ieuan.

So are both of the children.

Oh, good, good.

Well, thank you again, Mrs Gruffydd-Williams.

Not at all, you've been more than helpful.

By the way, you must come to one of my literary parties

one of these days.

Oh, thank you, thank you, Mrs Gruffydd-Williams.

You know who she is, don't you, John,

Mrs Gruffydd—Williams?

You're kidding?

Her husband's on the council.

Married her in the wartime, he did.

She came over with the Free Norwegians.

Really?

Oh, very, very powerful man, Mr Gruffydd—Williams.

He's one of those, is he?

Oh, he's chairman of the library committee.

Oh, extra special, nice hours, I can tell you.

You didn't creep, did you?

Look, I wonder if she meant it, you know about inviting us, I mean?

Well, anything's possible, isn't it?

Hey.

Look at this now.

What it is to have influence.

Yes.

Mind you, a decent bust measurement helps too, you know.

Oh, dear, you do get rude sometimes, really, John.

I still don't understand why they should invite us.

Did you say you met her at the library?

Yes. Have I got any clean hankies, love?

-Oh, I'll find them in a minute. -Hm.

You mean, she just came into the library and invited you?

No, no, no, of course not, no, she wanted some special books, you see,

and I put myself out a bit for her.

Where did you say they were, love?

-I said I'd find them in a minute. -Oh.

Just interested to know why they should invite us.

Yes, it is odd, isn't it?

Daddy.

What, love?

Are you going out and leaving us all alone?

No, my love, Auntie Meghan Jenkins is coming to sit with you.

Bulk doesn't like her.

She kisses him and she's got all hairs on her face.

Bulk will be asleep by the time she comes, my love.

No, he won't, he says he's going to stay awake all night.

Gwyneth, is that you?

You're to close your eyes now and go to sleep, I shan't tell you again.

She is asleep, love, I was just tucking her in.

Night, love.

They're not in there, love, I've looked.

-Oh. -Be careful when you use them,

they're full of holes.

What time did Ieuan say Meghan's getting here?

-I think about quarter past. -Oh.

But she's always late, you know that.

Do this up at the back, will you?

Hm?

Ah, have you got a hook on the top?

-Well, of course. -Right.

Still, seems funny to me.

What does?

This party. What's it in aid of?

Listen, if you don't stand still I can't do this thing up.

It's in aid of some amateur theatre groups, I think.

What sort of woman is she, middle-aged?

Yes, I suppose you might say she's middle-aged, yeah.

Attractive?

Yes, I suppose she's attractive in an obvious sort of way.

Her husband's chairman of the library committee,

did I tell you that?

No, you forgot to tell me that.

Well, that's what he is anyway. There, alright?

Is the dress alright?

Hm, yes, love, it looks smashing, lovely, yes.

Did you do something with it, did you?

Well, I lowered the front a bit, see.

Not too low, is it?

Well, as long as it stays up, you know.

Oh, I hope so, stuck some Elastoplast in my bra.

And remember, stick close to me, no wandering around

seeing what you can pick up like you usually do.

Now, when did I last do that?

The last time.

The last time.

You look nice.

You do look young tonight.

Well, I am young tonight.

Oh, that'll be Meghan.

You let her in. I'll go and take a look at the kids.

Sammy!

♪ l am young tonight 3”

♪ Oh, so young tonight 3”

—It's alright, Mrs Davies, friend.

Upsetting the dog like that this time of night!

Oh, hello, Ieuan, are you coming up?

No, John, thank you. I...

I can only spare a couple of moments.

Oh?

Something the matter?

Yes, yes, I'm afraid we shall...

we shall have to disappoint you tonight, John.

Something wrong with Meghan?

Yes, yes, same old business, you know,

a migraine,

but fortunately it's only a mild attack this time.

Still, I'm afraid any, any babysitting's out of the question.

See, I... Well, I can't leave her.

Well, can't be helped really, can it?

Well, goodnight then, John, I'll see you in the morning.

Well, give our love to Meghan.

Right, goodnight then, lad.

—What's the matter?

Well, we've had it.

Meghan's her usual 30 degrees under.

Oh, well, that's that then, isn't it?

Well, I don't know about you, love,

but I feel full of fun now.

Just what I could do with, an evening at home,

couldn't be better, hm.

Yes, "The Lewises at Home“,

special house and garden feature.

"Oh, yes", Mr Lewis said, "yes, we always dress for dinner.“

"Do you really?" "Yes, always.“

"Why is that?" "Well, you see, what it does,

it gives that extra touch of flair

to the bottle of HP sauce on the mantelpiece, isn't it?

Their dining room, please note,

was done out in the new contemporary sick, yuck, green.

Oh, darling, I know it's a bind, but it isn't the end of the world, is it?

Oh, no, no, it isn't the end of the world,

I'm quite clear about that.

I suppose we'll have to phone them.

-Her, I should say. -Who?

Well, the obviously attractive Mrs Whatnot.

Why?

Well, it's only polite, isn't it?

-Oh, polite my—- -Listen,

I've got an idea.

Go and phone them, and on the way back, pop into the Pickton Arms,

get a couple of flagons, some crisps,

and we'll fill our boots and listen to the radio.

My treat.

Off you go.

Getting generous in your old age.

Oh, going out, are we, Mr Lewis?

Oh, very observant of you, Mrs Davies.

Leaving the children alone, I suppose?

Yes, and I've put the oil stove close to the cot,

and I've turned the wick up.

You're not fit to have charge of little children,

the way you carry on, Mr Lewis.

Well, I must get on with my boozing now, Mrs Davies.

I have enjoyed our little chat.

If I had my way, I'd call the RSVP.

And a good year for it, Mrs Davies.

Come on in, Edna, and shut that door.

-Excuse me. -Good evening, Mr Lewis.

It is a good evening, isn't it? Yes.

You can’t get away from it, can you, you poor bastard?

I'm sorry for you, Lewis, I really am sorry for you.

You're doomed, drowning, and it's no good pretending

the old urge isn't there, 'cause it is.

But just settle for it, you're not going out.

Make the phone call,

apologise to that sexy Mrs Gruffydd-Williams

with the two "fs", thank you,

and then sublimate the whole thing in cider

and potato crisps.

And good luck.

That dress is too low, you know.

Well, don't look down it.

Don't look down it?

Only pleasure left to me.

Domestic bliss on the white collar level.

Interviewed last night, Mr John Lewis,

a Iibrarian's runner,

who changes his shirt only twice a week, if that,

expressed profound dissatisfaction with his lot.

Whoa.

What are we doing, Jean?

I mean, what are we doing,

apart from waiting for this suit to come back into fashion?

No, I'm serious.

I know you're serious.

I mean, just... just look at me.

I'm dressed here like a bookmaker’s ponce.

I ought to be one, or a road sweeper or something.

I mean, why did I bother to cram to pass exams, to take degrees?

Where did it get me?

I'd be much better off as a road sweeper.

There's no doubt about it, I would be...

I would be far better off as a road sweeper.

Look, love, I know how you feel,

but I think you're gonna get that job.

If there's any justice, you've just got to get it.

There is no justice in or outside

the Aberdarcy public library.

Well, if this Mrs Williams is what you say she is.

What did I say she was?

Well, anyway, she did invite us to the party tonight.

Oh, well, naturally,

I mean, no party's complete without us, is it?

People invite me just to get the name of my tailor.

I was only gonna say...

Pass me those crisps, love,

...maybe she'll come into the library again,

then if her husband's this big wig on the committee,

she'll probably tell him about you.

You can charm her,

you can charm the birds from the trees, if you want to.

It's only when you get in one of your moods.

What's the betting Jehovah's Witnesses?

No, wrong time of the year.

It'll be "Ban the Sunday Opening", they're due for another go.

Well, they picked the right man this time, I can tell you.

Sammy!

Hush your noise, boy.

Sammy,

be quiet, will you?

It's a most generous

suggestion of Mrs Gruffydd-Williams,

out of the blue like that.

I... I really don't quite know what to say.

Anything wrong, darling?

No, no, would you excuse me just one m-moment?

What is it?

What's the matter?

Mrs Gruffydd-Whatnot's sent some character

to babysit for us so as we can go to the party.

What sort of character?

Some chap. He doesn't look too happy about it,

but apparently he's quite good with children.

Well, has he got a nice face?

Yes. Well, I suppose he has, yes.

I mean, he doesn't look like a secret senna-pod drinker,

if that's what you mean.

What do you think, pop in there for an hour maybe?

Alright. They don't usually wake up, do they?

Oh, no, they're... No. I don't know what the fella's second name is. I'll just...

Erm...

would you like to pop up for a moment, er, Bill?

Bill, this is my wife, Jean. Jean, this is Bill.

How do you do?

We were just saying how very nice it is of you...

Yes, yes, it's very good of you to leave the party.

And, yes, Jean will show you where everything is, Bill.

We won't be a moment, 'cause we're just gonna pop in there

and pay our respects, you know.

Yes, well, if you'll just come with me,

I’ll show you where the kitchen is. It's just through here.

Well, erm, I don't think they'll give you any trouble.

Most unusual if they do, very good usually.

Er, by the way, Bill, you'll find half a bottle.... Er...

Tea, if you... if you want some.

Ah, yes, thank you.

-Have a cup of tea. -Tea?

Tea.

Well,

bye-bye then.

Yes, we'll, er, see you later.

-Yeah. -Excuse me one moment.

Just wanted to...

That's right.

Daddy?

Bulk's still awake.

-Hello there. -Ah.

-You made it, did you? -Yes, thanks to you, we did.

Oh, this is my wife, Jean. This is Mrs Gruffydd—Williams.

Jean.

How very nice.

Oh, Bill arrived safely, did he?

Oh, yes, very good of you both to go to all this trouble.

Oh, no trouble at all.

-Would you like to use the girl's room? —I wouldn't mind.

Lovely dress you're wearing.

Use that one over there.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, no. No, wait a minute.

Might be somebody being sick in there, there was a moment ago.

Use mine upstairs, second door on the right.

Thank you.

-Straight through. -Thank you.

You'll wait here for me, will you, love?

Yes, love, I'II hang on down here for you.

Alright.

What did you think of old Bill?

Oh, I thought he was a very public-spirited chap.

He's not bad, is he, for last year's model?

Have some caviar.

Hm? Oh, thank you very much.

Hm, I've never had caviar before.

It's worth trying.

Yes, well, I'll try anything once.

Once?

Well, I suppose I mustn't keep you to myself any longer.

Mmm.

Let's go in and meet some of the D'arcy Players.

Let me get you a drink, darling,

then there's somebody you must meet.

I'd like to meet your husband.

Hm? Oh, he'll be around somewhere.

Though I want you to meet our author first.

This looks vaguely like scotch, alright?

Yes, thank you very much, yes.

Now where is the bard?

I was toying with the idea of translating Kafka into Welsh,

but how do you translate his values?

Darling, stop being brilliant forjust one second

and meet a late arrival. Gareth, this is--

Yes, yes, yes, yes, I know.

The original white collar slave. How are you, Lewis?

Still peddling trash to the masses?

Yes, that's right, yes.

How about you, still writing it?

You two know each other, do you?

Oh, yes, I should say so. We know each other from way back.

We used to knock conkers together.

You never told me.

No, well, of course he wouldn't, he's far too modest.

I mean, if there's one thing you're not, you're not a name dropper,

are you, Gareth?

Well, what about Mrs Lewis?

Yes, he knows her too, also from way back.

Hello, Gareth.

He||o, Jean.

Well, well, well, this is quite like old times, isn't it? Mmm.

Mind you, a lot of soap has lodged

behind the old wedding rings, since we were a trois.

I was just trying to think what happened the last time we all met.

-You said something that was really-- -John.

No, no, no, it was a really very good.

You said, er,

you said, "The best man can't always win."

Terribly original.

It stuck right in my mind.

I suppose you think you're being really witty?

- Oh, no, I... - Er...

Er, another drink anybody?

I'm sure you would.

I was ploughing through your novel again the other day,

"Nourished Is the Grass", or should I say, "Nourish-ed Is the Grass"?

We have an unsigned first edition.

I believe they're the rare ones, aren't they?

Are you coming to the first night of my play, Jean?

Oh, we'd like to very much, but bit difficult for me, you see.

But John will be coming, won't you, love?

Hm? Oh, yes, yes.

Yes. Well, of course I get in free, you know. What's it called?

"Bowen Thomas, Tailor of Llandeilo."

Oh! What a fabulous title.

I wonder why nobody's used it before. Is it a comedy, is it?

Here we are.

Vernon, this is Mr and Mrs Lewis.

-My husband. -He||o.

How do you do?

Well, we were just talking about Gareth's new play.

Yes, we're being badly hung up over the costumes.

Oh, sorry to hear that, what seems to be the trouble?

Nothing's been done towards it, nothing at all.

Poor Elizabeth here has been trying through the last month

to persuade Mr Lewis' public library

to disgorge some books which could help us,

but of course, without any success at all.

Jean, I've got somebody over there who's just dying to meet you.

Perhaps if we knew what you wanted we might be able to do something about it.

You see, it's rather difficult to get hold of a book

when you don't know the title or the author, isn't it?

Damn it, man, damn it, it's your bloody job.

You don't want us to do it for you, surely to God?

—Mustn't be too hard on him, you know. -Why not?

Well, you know what these fellows are like.

I mean to say, after all, I suppose being a poet entitles him

to be a bit different from us chaps, don't you think?

Well, as dramatic critic of the "Aberdarcy Chronicle“

at ten bob a time, I should agree with you, sir.

However, in my own opinion, I think he's a puffed-up,

undersized, four-eyed, little twit.

Excuse me, won't you?

Fascinating.

Excuse me, where do they keep the thunderbox in this place?

The what?

Where does one go if one wants to wash one's hands?

Oh, straight across there.

Come on, love, we'll find a spare room somewhere.

Yes, er, jolly good.

Yes, jolly good.

-Marve||ous party. -Hm.

-Cigarette? -No.

It's an original.

-Yes?

Do you like it?

Hm, not bad.

You want to get one with that new French chap.

-Oh? -Yes.

I was looking at some pictures in a magazine the other day,

seems to have got it all buttoned up.

Really? How interesting.

Yes, he, er... Oh!

Have one of... mine.

Oh, thank you.

What he does, you see, he puts his canvas on the floor,

chucks some whacking, great dollops of paint on it

and then drags a naked woman across it.

Hm.

Yes, yes. Sort of job I'd like, that.

I'd... enjoy cleaning the brushes anyway.

Hm.

-Yes. Hm? -Erm, tell me something.

Mm?

Oh, I just wondered if you were going to apply

for the vacancy at the library, that's all.

Well, I had thought about it, yes.

You know, I think you should apply.

I think you might have a chance,

Vernon's on the library committee, you know.

Vernon? Er, Vernon, your husband, you mean?

-Ah, yes.

Of course, I don't interfere at all,

but he sometimes asks my advice, you know.

And do you give it?

Sometimes. Depends.

{suspenseful music] -I see.

Only you see, it just occurred to me,

that it might be a help for you to know

the kind of man they're looking for and that kind of thing.

The interview's terribly important, I'm told.

Yes, well, first impressions, you know.

Yes, they do count, you know.

Oh, they do, definitely, yes.

Er, what sort of a man is it they're looking for?

Oh, I don't know, really,

probably somebody, erm, very like you.

Hm.

What would you do if I kissed you?

You wouldn't do anything violent, would you?

Hm, violent?

Only I'd like to kiss you, you see,

because I'm a great believer in first impressions myself.

-Oh. -Hm?

You'd better get some new handkerchiefs, before that interview.

You reckon I'll get as far as the interview then, do you?

I think you'll get a lot further.

Hm-mm.

Hm.

{dramatic piano music]

Somebody dead in there or something?

Ieuan, well, congratulations.

John, you're here, boy.

Look, I'm afraid I've been rather sick.

Yes, well, you've got a lot to be sick about, haven't you?

Hm. Seems to run in your family.

Well, you see, Meghan...

Well, thanks very much.

Oh, I'm to wait for the gentleman, sir.

Yes, I'll send him right down.

Thank you then, goodnight.

Do you think we ought to have given him something?

No, no.

Did you say Mrs Gruffydd-Williams truly offered to help?

Yes, yes.

There, you see, I told you to cultivate her.

Aren't you glad you went now?

Oh, sure.

Quiet, Sammy, there are people here trying to sleep.

What's all this noise about here? Mr Lewis?

Hello, Bill, how's it been going?

I hope the children didn't give you too much trouble.

-Oh, no, no, your two are fine. -Good.

Just... Bulk.

Yes?

I had to take him to the lavatory seven times.

Could we have our ball?

Hm?

The ball.

Oh.

I can see you're winning.

Oh.

Hello.

Thank you, sir.

It's a good thing my brakes work.

Yes, it is, isn't it?

I was, er, just on my way home.

So I noticed. Can I give you a lift?

Oh, lovely, thank you very much.

Well, jump in.

Hey!

Oh, I just thought of something.

You wouldn't like to join some of us for a drink tonight, would you?

Well, that's very kind of you,

but, erm, unfortunately, it's the children, you see.

It's illegal to leave them unattended after dark.

Well, I'm afraid old Bill is out this time.

How do you manage in the ordinary way?

You must have some sort of a system.

Oh, we have, it consists mainly of not going out.

I'll have a word with Jean.

Ah.

Oh, er... Oh, er...

Who is it? Who's in my house?

It's only me and a friend, Mrs Davies.

Oh, it's you, Mr Lewis. Visitors, is it?

Yes, that's who it is, Mrs Davies.

I don't like any noise, Mr Lewis.

Neither do I, Mrs Davies.

Quaint little place you've got.

Yes, yes.

—Oh.

Jean, love, you busy?

We've... got a visitor.

Hello, Jean, I met your better half in the street.

Good. Well, er, sorry the place is in a bit of a mess.

Wasn't expecting anyone.

Oh, that's alright.

The thing is, some of us are going out for a few drinks tonight,

and I just wondered if you'd like to join us?

I, erm, gather from John though you're a bit stuck for a babysitter.

Yes, I'm afraid we are. In any case, I'm not, er...

Well, look, I don't really think I can come.

Oh, dear.

I was saying that it might be a bit difficult, you know.

You go, love, if you're keen.

But, look, Jean, love, why don't you go and I'll look after the children?

No, I'd rather you went.

Oh, dear, I feel a bit of a brute yanking your husband away like this.

Oh, well, don't feel that on my account.

Well, we must fix up a date ourselves, just the two of us,

a real hen party and pull the boys to pieces, hm?

Yes, I'd enjoy that, let's do that.

Oh, what a sweet, little girl.

And what's your name, hm?

Lost her tongue.

No, I haven't!

Bulk doesn't like me telling my name to other people.

And who is Bulk?

Oh, I'll tell you all about Bulk later on.

Now, you're quite sure?

Quite sure, have a good time.

Bye-bye, love.

Er, bye-bye, Gwyneth.

Freddie.

Bye-bye, Jean. Don't forget, we've got a date.

No, I won't.

I'll leave something out for you.

Cold.

Mummy, Bulk didn't like her.

Shh, love. Come on now, let's get you dry.

Which pub is it?

I don't know, really,

but why don't we go to the Queen's Head for a drink or two first?

Then we'll go home...

and I'll get changed.

Staff's night out, is it?

Yes, Vernon's out too funnily enough.

Oh, really?

Yes, well, he's more or less staff, isn't he?

Would you like to fix us both a drink while I pop upstairs?

Er, yes.

In there, and, erm, bring them up.

In there?

Yes, I'll have a gin and, oh, tonic will do.

And some cigarettes.

Erm...

-Hm? -How will I find you again?

I'll leave a trail.

I'm here, anyone for tennis?

Oh, come on through. I'm in the bedroom.

Put the drinks down somewhere.

On the bath will do.

Make yourself at home.

I'll be out in a tick.

What are you doing in there?

You're very quiet.

Yes, yes, I've, er, I've always been very quiet.

Ever since I was a child I was quiet, you know.

What do you think of the master's gymnasium?

Oh... I think it's very impressive.

One of these days he's going to do himself an injury,

which will rather defeat the object.

I'm sorry I'm being so long, can't decide what to wear.

Well, that's alright, don't you worry about me.

You take as long as you want. I can wait.

You see what I mean?

Yes.

Hmm.

It's funny old Vernon buying himself one of these, they're...

quite lethal.

Oh, he didn't, it was a present from me.

Oh.

Light me a cigarette, will you, darling?

Yes.

The, erm, the first time I saw this done,

erm, Paul Henreid did it for Bette Davis

in a film called "Now, Voyager“.

My recollection is a very good-looking Major

in the Pay Corps on the front at RhyI in mid-winter.

He got them both stuck to his lip and bled copiously.

When was that?

Oh, '42. The Major wanted to marry me.

I loved the whole war. Does that shock you?

No, not especially.

I loved every minute of it.

I cried on VE Day.

I should've married the Major, but I didn't.

Oh, I found out about your dreaded interview, by the way.

Yes?

You, erm, are on a shortlist of four.

-Oh. -Does that please you?

Yes, very much, yes, thank you.

You are, erm, grateful?

Oh, yes, yes, I am.

How grateful?

Hm, I want you.

-I want all of you. -Yes, my love.

But listen, don't you think that it might be a bit better

if we got out of the gymnasium here?

Hm, I want all of you.

Yes, so you shall, my darling, but listen,

you know, if we could perhaps get away from the boat race atmosphere

in the bedroom maybe?

Carry me.

-Hm? -Carry me.

-Hm, darling. -Yes?

Wait.

Next to the window, hmm?

Yes, dear.

Now...

-Hm? -Yes.

Darling, you can wait, you can wait, hm.

Come on in, chaps, just for half an hour.

Oh, my God!

-What? What is it? -It's Vernon.

-What? -Get out of bed, quickly.

Oh! This is going to be bloody marvellous if we don't look nippy.

Where are you?

What are you doing?

Idiot, get out of my wardrobe!

-Why didn't... Why didn't he call? -I don't know.

Put your coat on. I don't know.

Get the sleeve, get the sleeve.

—Just there. -Alright.

Stop that awful panting and take deep breaths.

Put your head between your legs or something,

I'II stall Vernon.

What do I do, stay here or what?

No! Bathroom.

Oh!

What happens now then?

-I know what. -What?

-You pick these up. -What do I want to do that for?

Well, if anybody does come in, you can pant as much as you like.

Bit looking odd, isn't it? Picking fags up?

Anything's going to look a bit odd.

-Yes, alright. —It's better than nothing.

The important thing is to have something to do,

-I've always found. -Yes, that's right.

-Well, go on! -I'm doing it.

This shouldn't take long. What's half an hour?

Is that you, darling?

You worry too much about that contract, Billy.

It's as good as signed.

Where are you off to, Charlie?

To get the ice, is that alright?

Yes, second door.

Darling.

Oh, hello, love.

Just brought some of the council back for a nightcap. Care to join us?

Oh, I'll see, darling.

I... I was just thinking of going early to bed for once.

Alright, love, see how you feel.

What are you both having?

Anybody wants ice, they'll have to wait for Charlie.

Ah!

Panic's over, master's having a drink with the boys.

What happens now then? Do I go and offer him cigarettes or something?

No, darling, I think in your present state of health,

you'd better do what is Iaughingly known as a bunk.

-Yes, alright. -Oh, no! In there.

—What, not in—— —Darling, don't worry now.

-Just give me a kiss goodnight, hm? -No.

Look, do... do you mind if I don't at the moment?

- On|y, er... - You are funny.

Still I wanted to get you to commit yourself.

And you have, haven't you?

Yes, I suppose I have, yes.

So have I. Go on, buzz off now.

Yes, erm, er...

-Hm? -Which way do I go, when I...

Oh, out the front, I suppose,

but be careful at the bottom of the stairs, huh?

—Yes, through the front door? -Yes, bottom of the stairs.

-Bottom of the stairs. -Be careful, remember.

-He seems a bit... -Yes, alright.

Er, I'll see you again then?

Yes, don't leave it too long. I'll be lonely.

Hm.

-Oh. -Cigarettes.

Gin and tonic.

Mr Gruffydd-Williams is in the lounge.

Well, thank you very much.

What on earth held you up? What are you having anyway?

Yes?

Oh, good evening.

I was, er, just checking up whether everything was alright.

You know, don't like leaving a job,

when things aren't alright, really.

It is? Everything alright to your knowledge?

-Yes, I think so. -Hm, the plumbing and everything?

'Cause I mean, I wouldn't like to sort of, er, run out on it.

Oh, that's cleared it.

You won't have any more trouble with that.

Good job I came along, isn't it?

Well, er,

nos da.

Oh, golden hot, it is.

Warming up a treat that, you can... Warming up a treat that is, yes.

Well, don't worry about this,

'cause the heat will draw it all back in, you see.

Ha!

-Morning, Ieuan. -Morning, John.

Oh, dear, I'm sorry, boy.

It's alright. Cut it a bit fine, didn't you?

- Aye, I did. - Fares?

- Nothing smaller, man? - Hm? No.

Have to wait then, won't you?

-Town hall, boy. -Three.

-Thank you. -Thank you.

"Bowen Thomas, Tailor of LIandiIo".

You reading that for pleasure, are you?

Yes, indeed, great, great pleasure.

As a matter of fact, John, I...

I've been privileged to be asked to play a part in it.

Oh, who by?

The author himself asked me, Mr Probert.

Well, they don't come much higher, do they?

Well, well, well, what part did he ask you to play, Ieuan?

Death.

Thank you.

Change...

sir.

I fancy your chances there, boy.

I think she knows you're an actor, Ieuan.

-Rea||y, John? -Oh, yes.

She's heard all about the kiss of death, you see.

Eight, nine.

Oh, come away, and for God's sake, try and be professional.

I'm not professional. I'm an amateur.

And your performance leaves no doubt about that.

Put your blasted head on!

Look, it's too late, it's too late. Switch it off.

Hi.

Oh! Hello.

Surprised?

Yes, yes, very.

Curtain up one minute.

No, not yet, not yet, not yet!

Very nice, dear. Not the handbag though.

Now, hold it properly, man, it's not a ukulele.

Now, where's Death?

He should be here, the curtain's going up.

I'm over here, Mr Probert.

Look, I'm in trouble. One leg is jammed.

-It's his helm, look. -His knee joint's locked.

Oh, it's jammed, Mr Probert, jammed.

How about oiling him, man?

Here, I'll go and get a spanner.

Oh, don't go! Hold on, Mr Probert, I'll collapse!

Shh!

Start the pianos again and hold the house lights!

Too late, they've already gone.

Do you, do you, do you...?

Play it again.

Play it again.

Oh, Lord, I'd better go and find out what's happened.

-See you later? -Yes.

Oh, oh, oh, oh! It's no use, Mr Probert.

It's still jammed and it's agony.

You can stand up if you try. I'll never forgive you for this.

Maybe we could postpone the prologue and make it the epilogue, eh, Mr Probert?

This isn't the bloody BBC, is it?

After all, it doesn't matter where you start in this play.

I mean, you can follow it, it happens all the time in the cinema.

What's happening then?

I don't know, it's a mad house up there.

Oh, let's find something more exciting to do, huh?

Fine, but what about my notice for this play, is it?

Oh, that's easy. It's got no plot, no action, no sense.

Sounds to me like one of Probert's best.

Hm. So the only thing you've got to do

is to mention the entire cast, say who loaned the furniture

and that's it, you're home, boy.

Come on.

Shut up, shut up! Look, let's carry him on. Read call!

Don't drop me now, Mr Probert! I'd have an injury!

Oh!

-Torch! -Oh!

-Here, light his torch. -Ho|d my visor up.

Somebody light his bloody torch!

I've forgotten my words. Prompt, first words!

"Dai Death walks here," and for God's sake, speak up.

Right, clear, clear! Everybody off, clear, clear!

Right, curtain going up.

Dai Death walks here.

Dai Death walks here.

Dai Death walks here.

They should've used you in the Tank Corps.

They did.

Well, Mr Lewis.

Well, Mrs Gruffydd-Williams.

We've got some unfinished business, haven't we?

Yes, we certainly have, Mrs Gruffydd-Williams.

So, erm, let me put you out of your misery.

Any time you like.

-About that job. -Oh.

Vernon's got the message.

-Hm?

All you've got to do is to make sure

that you don't let yourself down at the interview.

-I'II make sure about that. -Next week.

Alright, doesn't that please you?

Yes.

Now, don't I get anything

for giving you that piece of good news?

I presume that my sincere thanks would hardly be adequate.

Hardly.

What are you doing?

I was trying to get my shoes off.

Never mind.

-Mm. -Mm?

No.

Mm?

Surprised?

Mm.

That's it.

Is that sincere enough?

-Mm, again, my darling. -Mm.

—What's the matter? What's the matter?

Shut the window.

Shut the window!

-Oh! -Oh.

Monsters.

—There's no handle. -The switch.

The switch. Oh!

Don't panic, it's only cattle. That's all it is.

-Which one? —It's another one.

-What on earth are you doing? -I was trying to get this thing down.

I'm doing my best, alright? I'll try and get the button down.

Switch the radio off!

How can you expect any sane person to try and sort this lot out?

Put it back!

-Can't we get back on the road... -Switch the radio off!

-Sort it out afterwards. -Oh.

Here! Here, you leave my cattle alone!

What do you think you're doing there?

Here!

-What was that? -Something went bang.

That's gunfire. Let's get out of here.

Look, we'd better not have the headlights on, had we?

How can I drive without any lights on?

Look out!

-OW! -Just let me drive.

Well, Mrs Gruffydd-Williams.

Well, Mr Lewis.

We don't seem to have much luck, do we?

Nothing wrong with a situation that a good mechanic couldn't put right.

Such a pity that you have to go and write that notice on the play.

Oh, don't worry, I'II scribble it off in Jim's Café

and hand it in on the way home.

Don't forget, mention everyone in the cast and the costumes.

Don't worry, it's all in the programme here.

—Darling. —Yes.

-I have to see you soon. -Yes.

We're not touching anything, are we?

Soon.

-Yes. -Don't forget.

No.

Well, drive carefully.

And, erm...

drive carefully.

I've been waiting for this, Mr Lewis.

Sorry, dai, it's a bit of a difficult one to write.

Aye. I'll get on with it then.

-Daddy. -What, love?

Did you say good morning to Bulk?

Hm? Oh, no, I forgot about that.

Well, that's alright,

because he doesn't want anybody to speak to him.

He says he's going mad with it all.

With all what, love?

Worry, he's worried about the bomb.

Gwyneth, hurry up now, I've taken all the bones out for you.

See you gave the play a good notice.

Yes, well, er, I thought I wouldn't be too unkind.

Very noble of you in the circumstances.

What circumstances?

Oh.

What's the matter with you, got the screaming abdabs again, have you?

No.

-We||... -Hm?

I've just been doing a lot of thinking, that's all.

Hm, what about?

About you and me to be exact.

I'll tell you,

we're out of our depth, you and I.

We've been corrupted.

Have we?

No more than usual, I wouldn't have thought.

I'm not entirely sure I understand what you mean.

You and your friendship with the Gruffydd-Williamses.

No, look, don't bother to deny it because I know it's true,

and I'm not blaming you either because I've got my own shame.

What business had I with theatricals and the like?

Well, what good did it bring me?

A laughing stock, I am.

Burning down the theatre.

Well, if it'll make you feel any better,

you are now being served tea

by the ex-dramatic critic of the "Aberdarcy Chronicle".

And look what I did to you the night of the party.

Now, what has made us what we are?

This ruddy job, isn't it, trying to better ourselves?

Look, I only joined the theatricals

to meet the right people who'd put in a word for me.

But the point is they're not our people,

or we're not their people.

Anyway, we're not going to better ourselves that way.

The price, the price is too high.

Excuse me.

You gonna be long, love, only there's a good programme on?

I'm gonna finish here, then I'm going to bed.

Oh.

I'm gonna tell you about last night, you know,

I'm not trying to avoid it.

Hand me that towel, will you?

Hm?

It's alright, love, I'II dry.

Erm, well,

I did see Mrs Gruffydd-Williams last night at the play,

only, er, it was so lousy, we left before the end.

Well, you know, before the fire.

She wanted to talk about the job.

You see, apparently her husband's word is God on the committee and, er...

I suppose that's really good news, isn't it?

Yes, very.

You don't sound very pleased about it.

Oh, I expect I will, when I get used to it.

Get used to it? What have you got to get used to?

You having an affair.

What?

Jeanie.

None of that! I don't want any of that.

Look, I'm not having an affair with Mrs Gruffydd-Williams

in the way you mean.

Well, that's smashing then, isn't it?

We don't have to talk about it.

Yes, of course we have to talk about it!

No, we don't. I don't want to hear about it.

It has nothing to do with me. You do as you want,

but don't tell me about it because I don't want to know, see.

Look, all I'm trying to do, Jeanie, is to apologise to you and--

It's no use apologising, John,

talking and promising and God knows what.

Do what you want to do,

only don't keep up this talk, talk, talk.

I've enough to put up with without that.

Yes, but what else can I do?

I mean, all I can do is to try to tell you, isn't it?

And you tell me about it and it's alright, until next time.

Well, you listen to me.

Perhaps you think I don't know you,

perhaps you think I'm bloody blind,

but I know the look you get, when you start fancying a bit on the side.

Well, I don't mind that part anymore,

I just don't want to hear about it, understand?

But that's what I keep trying to tell you, there is nothing to hear.

You think you can get rid of what you do

by coming and telling me about it afterwards, is that it?

-No. -Well, you can't.

Go off and do her if you want to, as long as you don't tell me.

I couldn't care less what you get up to, just...

give me my housekeeping every week and stay out of my way.

And get that job while you're about it.

You may as well.

Huh!

Mr Lewis?

Mr Benyon?

Oh, so this is where you're hiding.

The committee's in session, you realise?

Now, which of you is Lewis?

Oh, I'm Lewis.

-This came for you. -Hm?

Well, there should be four of you, where's the other one?

Oh, he's... he's retired at the moment.

We||, er...

I hope there's not going to be any trouble.

These things have to work like clockwork, you know.

Mustn't keep the board waiting.

They're calling you in alphabetical order.

You first, Mr Benyon.

-Use this one. -Oh, thank you, John.

Oh, dear.

-Look, stand here. -Oh, thank you.

It's all a bit confusing, isn't it?

It is a bit, yes.

Erm, is this your soap, is it?

Yes, yes, that's my own private soap, thank you.

Well, that's my water, if you don't mind.

Alright.

Well, that's a relief anyway.

-Huh? -Yes, alphabetical order.

-Oh. -Very nice, very nice.

In first and get it over.

You'd say that was an advantage, would you?

Yes, yes, that's it, an advantage.

—They'll be fresh, you see, fresh. —Yes.

Yes, and first impressions stick.

Nobody will have been in before me to set the standard.

I'll set the standard.

Yes, that's true, that's very, very interesting indeed.

-Yes. -Yes, yes.

I wouldn't mention that if I was you.

No.

That could cause us all a lot of trouble.

Yes, yes.

Must've been the train journey. I had the plat dujour, not...

not the set lunch. I thought I'd treat myself.

Not that I expect to get... get the job.

Mr Benyon, please!

Not that I expect to get it.

What are they like?

Next, please.

-Good luck, Ieuan. -Thank you.

Mr Jenkins.

-Sit down, Mr Jenkins. -Thank you, sir.

Your full name, please?

Ieuan Islwyn Owen Dafydd Ap Jenkins, sir.

You are Welsh?

Yes, yes, I am, thank you, sir, thank you.

Next, please. Well, where's Mr Kennedy gone?

Ah, he's retired again, you see.

Well, I can't keep the committee waiting.

You'll have to go in out of turn.

Righto then.

Mr John Lewis.

Sit down, Mr Lewis.

I'm going to begin by asking you a very important question.

When you applied for this post,

did you, and do you, feel

absolutely confident that you could efficiently carry out

the considerable extra duties involved?

Er, yes, sir, yes.

Erm, I feel absolutely confident

about the extra duties, yes.

Well, you all have Mr Lewis' qualifications in front of you,

we can take them as read.

Questions, please?

What proportion of books in the library should, in your opinion, be Welsh?

I think, sir, that they should be supplied as asked for.

Supplied as asked for?

I wonder, do you know, Mr Lewis,

that two people out of five in this part of Wales

are Welsh speaking?

Well, I'll take your word for that, sir,

it's just that I very seldom get asked for books in Welsh,

except by foreigners.

Mr Lewis.

What other jobs have you done, Mr Lewis?

Well, I did a paper round once, you know.

Never been interested in plumbing?

Oh no, no, I've never had the slightest interest

in plumbing, no.

Er, I think we're wandering from the point, Mr Salter.

I would like to remind Mr, er...

er...

that it is our bounden duty

to encourage and popularise our local authors.

Which authors were you referring to, sir?

Well, I was referring to such poets as

Ap Gwilym, Cadwaladr and Sion,

and to take a further instance,

my own colleague, the Reverend Trahearn Williams

and his "History of the Rhondda Baptists".

I'm afraid I'm not familiar with the reverend gentleman's work, sir.

But he's our greatest poet.

He's won six bardic chairs.

Six, Mr, er...

Yes, it's just that I've never been asked

for that particular book, you see.

Then I think it's a scandal.

I wonder if you'd ask the applicant this question, please,

through the chair, of course?

What would be your attitude,

if a member of the opposite sex came into the library

and asked for "Lady Chatterley's Lover"?

What was that? What did he say?

"Lady Chatterley".

Oh, her.

You understand the question, Mr Lewis?

Yes, sir, and I think that I could be relied upon

to know my duty.

Thank you, Mr Chairman, that's all I wanted to know.

Well, if there are no more questions.

Mr Lewis.

Yes?

You don't have a brother

connected with the plumbing trade, do you, Mr Lewis?

This is to the point, is it, Mr Salter?

Well, I...

just like to get the full background, Mr Chairman.

Mr Lewis?

I don't have a brother, sir.

Am I to take it then that none of your family

have ever been involved with plumbing?

Well, as a matter of fact,

my father once had an unfortunate experience

on Euston Station during the blackout.

What happened was, you see, it was dark at the time,

and he didn't realise that the train

was actually standing at the station at the time.

Apart from that, no.

Does that clarify the matter, Mr Salter?

Yes, I suppose so, yes.

Right, well, I think that's all, Mr Lewis.

You'll be notified in due course.

Thank you.

No, I don't think...

Well, a little hasty perhaps but...

But he's, er...

I'll have that, if you don't want it, man.

Help yourself, boy.

No, the salt, the little bag of salt.

Got a friend who collects them.

Got a passion for salt, he has.

Well, as I say, help yourself.

Darling, sorry I'm late.

Oh, that's alright. What are you gonna have to drink?

-Erm... What about...? -No...

What-ho.

Oh, hello, Bill.

I've got a business meeting with Mr Lewis.

Oh.

Yes, er, jolly good. Erm, drink or something?

-Yes, thanks. Usual, plenty of ice. -Right.

I'll have a beer, thank you, body temperature,

and my friend here would like a bag of salt

with a few crisps in it.

Salt?

He can't get enough of it, a real craving, it is.

Didn't you hear? I've got a business meeting.

Yes, right, er...

Thank you.

Well-trained, isn't he?

You're in a very good mood.

Yes, yes, not at all bad considering.

-How did the interview go? -The interview?

Oh yes, the interview.

Well, er, I muffed it.

What?

I muffed it, you know, from the old Welsh verb,

to muff from a great height.

Darling, what the hell are you talking about?

Something to do with his blood, you know.

He's got to get it into his bloodstream.

The pygmies have the same problem.

Yes, I quite understand.

Well, tell your friend not to worry

because relief is on the way. See you, boy.

Now, what is this all about?

Nothing, I just didn't come up to expectations, that's all.

Darling, don't be ridiculous.

Of course you got the job.

I got the job?

Yes, it was all fixed ages ago.

The interview was just a formality.

You mean, it was all as big a fiddle as that, was it?

Well, obviously Vernon had to go through the motions,

but he is well-trained too, you know.

You know, when you really got the job?

The first time you kissed me.

Listen, I've got something else to tell you.

I've got it all worked out for us to spend a weekend away together.

Well, you'll have to make some excuse at home, of course,

but it shouldn't be difficult, do you think?

You'd like that, darling.

There's just one thing though,

I've been meaning to tell you for an awful long time,

but now that you've got the job and the extra money,

I don't feel so embarrassed anymore.

Darling, do you mind if I told you to buy a new suit?

This one doesn't fit you. I want you to look nice.

Would you do that for me?

I'll tell you where to go.

No, thank you, no, I'd, er,

much prefer to tell myself if you don't mind.

Why don't you buy old Bill 3 nice new collar instead?

What?

And while you're about it,

enter them both for Crufts.

Well, would you... Hey!

Where are you going?

I'm giving the job up, Liz.

Give the job up. What do you mean by giving the job up?

You can't afford to give it up.

Listen...

Listen, you need that extra money.

Well... Without it

how long do you think that marriage of yours is going to last?

Perhaps a bit longer than yours, anyway.

Oh? I wouldn't make rash statements, if I were you.

Mm. Well, thank old Vernon very kindly

for his efforts on my behalf, will you?

And tell him in the nicest possible way what he can do with his job.

I don't understand you at all.

There's something else you won't understand either,

that the price is too high.

Goodbye, Liz.

Bill!

Bill.

Good evening, Mr Lewis.

Evening.

Oh, in for the night, are we, Mr Lewis?

If I were going out for the night,

I'd be pointing the other way, Mrs Davies.

No, don't do that, man.

You'll wake the kids.

Oh. Hello, love, you're early.

Never mind the pleasantries.

What's the catcher in the rye doing apart from wearing his red neck?

I'm just picking up a few cigarettes.

I can see you're just picking up cigarettes.

Nothing sinister in that, is there?

Well, it depends who put them there in the first place, doesn't it?

What are you talking about?

I suppose they just dropped out of your nasty, sweaty, little hands?

Is he mad or something?

I've been to the edge of the world too, you know, boy,

and I've looked over, so don't you think you can try and fool me.

I mean, if you're looking for excuses let's...

let's... let's find a really good one, shall we?

If you don't mind, Jean, I think I'll say goodnight.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

You've been here before, haven't you?

Once for tea, yes. What of it?

Tea and muffins, wasn't it?

Or is "muffins" absolutely the right word?

Just ignore him, Gareth.

You know what you're asking for, don't you?

I always thought you were crude, Lewis,

but just now you're surpassing even yourself.

And you're going to get it in a moment, boyo,

and not in blank verse either.

Solely in your interests, Jean, I... I propose to leave.

I can't say how sorry I am,

being tied to a man like this must be unspeakable hell.

No, I wouldn't say unspeakable.

If I might be allowed to summon up

a gem of exquisite Welsh prose?

Push off while you are still in one piece.

Unfortunately I can't meet you on your own level, Lewis.

The descent would be too abrupt.

Oh, you want to be careful when you say that, boyo.

You're two floors up at the moment.

Goodbye, Jean, you know where I am if you want me.

In case of violence, send for the police.

Uh!

Well, we live and learn, don't we?

I suppose you just felt the urge for a cosy, literary evening?

Oh, no, there was nothing literary about this evening.

I was quite flattered.

—You were what? —Flattered.

-You were flattered? -Do you want me to spell it for you?

-You know what? -Hm?

He said he's still in love with me.

And you let him say it?

Oh, yes, yes, I did.

I even got him to repeat it.

And this might surprise you. I enjoyed hearing it.

How Iong's this been going on then?

Oh, since about the time you started

taking an active interest in amateur theatricals.

Ah.

Well, this is where you say, “Now you know how I feel," right?

How did the interview go?

Well, I got the job.

Oh, well, that's marvellous then, isn't it?

No, the whole interview was a wangle

from beginning to end. It was fixed.

So what do you do?

Oh, I told them what they could do with the job.

Them or her?

Well, they're one and the same really, aren't they?

Either ways, bang goes our 150.

So, er...

I've made a right old bog of everything, haven't I?

Perhaps it was worth it.

I never went to bed with her, you know.

No.

Mind you, it wasn't for the want of trying.

I know.

Hm.

Honest John Lewis, that's me.

I suppose there is such a thing as an ideal married couple,

I suppose so, I don't know really, I...

I reckon that most of them are like us, you see,

sort of rubbing along somehow through a succession

of undeclared wars and patched-up ceasefires.

Something else you picked up in the library?

Alright, alright, fair enough.

What are you looking for?

I was wondering

if that poetic bastard left any cigarettes on the floor.

Oh.

He's not really your type, you know that, don't you?

-Who, Gareth? -Hm.

No, not really.

She wasn't my type either. Dying for a smoke, I am.

She wasn't a bit like you, you know.

-Oh, here you are. -Hm?

You're in luck.

Oh!

Yes.

-You have it. -No, no, you have it,

I'II, erm... I'll just have a puff.

-Shall I have it then? -Yeah.

Oh, that's better.

Jean,

I could try, you know.

Could you?

Yes. Oh, but we'd have to get away from this place.

Get away as far as we possibly could

from those dreadful stags and everything.

You know, I've got a wonderful idea.

I've thought of an absolutely fool-proof way

of blowing up the loo with a slow fuse.

The first loo in orbit, with Mr Davies.

Give us a puff, will you?

Hmm? Alright. Give us a kiss first though.

Thank you.

Well, see you in a fortnight's time then.

-Yes. -Yes.

See you a fortnight today, Mr Lewis.

-Fortnight today. -Thank you very much.

A fortnight's a long time coming round, you know.

Yes, well, it's every bit of two weeks, isn't it?

I don't know what we'd do without your visits,

but they're too long in between.

Couldn't you ask them to let you come once a week, Mr Lewis?

Well, supply and demand, you know.

Oh, we could supply the demand, if you'd let us.

You're fond of reading, are you?

What else is there to do in a one-eyed place like this?

Hm.

This is the book you've chosen, is it?

You don't know what I'm talking about, do you?

Never mind, it'II keep for another two weeks.

Yes, there's just a chance it'II keep for even longer.

Well, I'll see you in a fortnight then.

-Goodbye. -Goodbye.

Is that the lot, love?

Yes, that's about it, love, yes.

You did very well.

Hm.

I think I'm definitely improving, don't you?

Oh, you've still got a long way to go.

We've both got a long way to go, haven't we?

Hmm?

Quite a long drive home, you know.