Original subtitles

-(SEAGULLS CAWING) -(WAVES CRASHING ON SHORE)

♪ Uno, dos One, two, tres, cuatro

♪ Hey, Wooly bully

♪ Watch it now, watch it

♪ Here it comes Here it comes

♪ Watch it now He gets you

♪ Matty told Hatty

♪ About a thing she saw

♪ It had two big horns

♪ And a Wooly jaw

♪ Wooly bully

♪ Wooly bully

♪ That’s right

♪ Wooly bully Wooly bully

♪ Wooly bully

♪ Hatty told Matty

♪ Let’s don't take no chance

♪ Let’s not be l-seven

♪ Come and learn to dance

♪ Wooly bully

♪ Wooly bully

♪ Wooly bully Wooly bully

♪ Wooly bully

♪ Watch it now Watch it, watch it

♪ Hey

♪ Hey

♪ That’s right

♪ Right, right, right

(FERRY FOGHORN BLASTS)

♪ Hey, Wooly bully

♪ Watch it now

♪ Here it comes Here it comes

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

♪ Matty told Hatty

♪ About a thing she saw...

Freddie!

I dropped something.

Ralph, talk to him.

Listen to your father.

Come on. From over there

-we can see Cape Cod. -We were just on Cape Cod.

We could've stayed there, I would've saved $12.00.

Alan, sweetheart, don’t you want to see Cape Cod?

All right, darling.

You know where we are if you change your mind.

Alan!

-(ALARM BLARING) -(FOGHORN BLASTS)

-MAN: Oh, my God! -(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

(ALARM CONTINUES BLARING)

Thanks a lot. Thanks.

You okay, Alan? Lend me a towel.

A towel. A towel, thanks.

Why did you do that?

RALPH: Come on, son.

(FERRY FOGHORN BLASTS)

WOMAN: (OVER P.A.) Augie, pick up line four, please. Augie, line four.

-Where are my cherries? -Mr. McCulloch, they came in,

but there was a fog outstate

-and the highway patrol... -Where are my cherries?

If I don’t get my cherries in five minutes,

you don’t get your money, and you starve and you die.

Jerry!

Jerry, where the hell are McCulloch’s cherries?

Oh, they’re here, but you gotta take a look at this stuff.

(INAUDIBLE)

Ah, Mr. McCulloch, uh, be right back.

Where are my cherries?

(INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENTS OVER P.A.)

Oh, Augie, where the hell you grow these things, under your arms?

Jesus, snails with stems. Forget it. Get them outta here!

-George, get them out of here. -You got it.

Bauer. Yeah. Thank you. Hi, honey, what’s up?

Look. You know, we get a lot of rain and cherries get a little slime.

-Honey, I can’t hear ya. -You agreed...

-Can I call you back? -...to take these.

-When the hell did I agree to that? -Not you, your brother.

Ah, all right.

Victoria, I can’t hear you.

Look, what I’m doing is important, too. I'll call you right back.

So my brother bought your slimy cherries?

Yeah. Me and Freddie, we were playing poker.

He had two pair. I had a flush.

He had no cash so we worked this out.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(LOUD ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO)

(MUSIC STOPS)

Who put this goddamn fruit here?

I’m all right, if anyone’s concerned.

Good morning, Freddie.

Alan, Alan!

-I wanna a simple "yes" or "no." -One more second, Nathan.

I made it! I’m in Penthouse magazine!

They printed my letter!

-They printed my letter! -Listen, I’m very, very happy.

I’m in the forum section.

The story’s entitled "A Lesbian No More."

They printed every word I wrote. It’s a beautiful story.

Here. I want copies of this for everybody. Augie!

-AUGIE: Hey! -Augie, good to see you!

Great game the other night. We gotta do that more often.

-Can we talk please? -This guy's a great poker player.

-Cheats like a son of a bitch! -Freddie, you and I have to talk.

What is it? Missing petty cash?

-It was the cleaning girl. -I don’t care about that.

-You don’t? It was me. I admit it. -No.

Well, I still don’t care about it, Freddie.

I love this guy! Do you hear me? I love him!

-Gimme a kiss. -Oh, Freddie.

Give your older brother a kiss. What's the matter, you're too big?

Gimme a kiss.

-Ouch! -I love this guy’s head. Hey, curly.

Here’s a buck. Watch my car.

-Bauer! Where are my... -(MUMBLES) ...your cherries, yes.

Uh, believe me when I tell you, you won’t be satisfied

-with what we have for you. -Okay, Bauer, you’re ruined!

Everyone’s gonna know you left me dry.

You’re finished! You're a ghost in this business!

-How’d you like some bananas at cost? -Deal!

Gerry, set up our friend with bananas at cost.

Alan, wait. a minute. I gotta get out early today, remember?

Oh, gee, that's right. Yeah. Today’s the big day, huh?

Yeah. And don't forget. Ushers have to be there early, too. Okay?

-I’ll be there yesterday. -Okay.

WOMAN: (OVER P.A.) Will someone get those Jonathans off of line one.

Are there any messages, Mrs. Stimler?

Yes.

What are they?

Huh? Oh, uh...

y-your father called. He wants you to call him back.

Uh, Mrs. Stimler,

our father passed away about five years ago. Do you remember?

Right. Uh, should I get him for you?

No, no. We’ll... I’ll take care of it.

You just get back to work.

What’s with her?

Oh, she had a little accident over the weekend.

Got hit in the head by some lightning.

It’s not funny, Freddie. It’s not funny!

I’m sorry. That’s not funny. That's...

Besides, she's okay,

she can still do certain things around the office.

Like what, jump start a car?

(LAUGHING) Jump start a car!

I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

What the hell are you doing down here?

-Maybe I went to the Cub A last night. -ALAN: Something new for you.

Maybe I met Mr. Buyrite, the owner of Buyrite markets.

Maybe we had a few drinks.

And maybe, just maybe...

we’re his new produce suppliers.

I’m proud of you.

That’s great! Which store?

Not which store, the whole chain.

I hope you are joking with me right now.

Think big, be big, my friend.

He was a green beret colonel. I made up a story

about you being wounded in 'Nam, and he wants to do business.

He’s coming this morning to check out the operation.

This morning? Great, Freddie. It’s only chaos down here.

-Augie brings slimy cherries from upstate. -So what?

-Jerry’s getting married tomorrow night. -So what?

-Do you realize that? -I was out drinking with him.

-I have to get my tuxedo this evening. -I’m busting my buns.

(OVERLAPPING YELLING)

-You can handle this, Alan. -For crying out loud!

-Relax. -Yeah, I’ll handle it fine!

-Clean up the desk. -Don't!

-It looks like a pigsty. Use the drawer. -Leave it. I have a system!

-(PHONE BUZZING) -Phone for you.

Oh. Yes? Oh, yeah, all right. Thank you.

Hi, Victoria. I’m sorry. I meant to call you back. I forgot.

What’s the matter? Your voice sounds funny.

What? Now?

You’re moving out of the apartment now while we’re talking on the phone?

Yeah, I know we were going to talk about it, but...

Victoria, this is...

CHUCKLING) This is a little impulsive, don't you think?

If we were married, you wouldn’t move out like this.

She might do that, sure.

Will you get off?

-Was that you? -Get off the phone!

I’m so sorry!

No, not you, Victoria.

I didn't know you were on the phone. (MUMBLING)

(DOOR CLOSES)

What do you mean, "Do I love you"?

Well, I...

We... Well, we... We met and... And I, uh...

Well, you moved in, didn’t you?

Well, it’s... No, it's just that it's a very complicated thing.

Hey, do you love me, huh?

Well, there you go.

There she went.

WOMAN: What a huge wedding this is.

-(CHURCH BELLS TOLLING) -(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

Cindy, hi.

-How are you? -How are you?

(WOMEN GIGGLING)

-Excuse me. -WOMAN: You look so pretty.

You look so pretty. I wanna hear...

-Darn! -WOMEN: Oh!

My flash never works!

Figures. My mother-in-law gave it to me.

ALAN: Get up!

What? What?

It was embarrassing when you were ten, Freddie.

If something works for me, I stick with it!

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking.

I gotta get more involved in the business. And I intend to.

I mean that, this time. I'm going to. I know the business.

I was there at the beginning with Dad, remember?

I just wanna know if... Do we sell fruit and vegetables or just fruit?

By the time I came home, she was already gone.

-Victoria left, huh? -Yeah.

You know why she left me, Freddie?

-Because I didn’t love her. -That bitch.

-Hi. Anywhere but the first three rows. -MAN: Hi.

-Anywhere but the first three rows. -Hey!

Hi, Freddie. Alan, where’s Victoria?

-She’s sick, and she can’t make it. -Oh, that's too bad.

-I’m sorry. -Well.

Hey!

Why didn't I love her, Freddie, huh? Can you answer me that?

Why didn’t I love her? I mean, she had everything.

She was bright, sensitive, beautiful.

-MAN: Hey, Alan! -Hi.

-Hi. -Where’s Victoria?

Flu. Bad flu. She's very sick, she can't make it because of the flu.

-Give her my love, will you? -You bet! Sure.

I can’t even give her my love, Freddie.

Something...something in here is not working.

There are worse organs not to be working. Ha!

Hi, guys. Hey, Bauer, where’s that pretty lady of yours?

She’s not coming! Okay?

What, do you want your money back?

Well, I don’t know. Maybe it’s all for the best, huh?

-Hey, Alan. -She left me!

She moved out! My life’s in shambles. Okay?

That’s the news. You want the weather?

Anywhere but the first three rows!

You should lighten up on the guy. That’s the bride's brother.

FREDDIE: See, drinking is a matter of algebraic ratios.

How drunk you get is dependent on how much alcohol you consume

in relation to your total body weight.

You see my point?

It’s not that you had a lot to drink. It’s just that you’re too skinny!

(ALAN GROANS)

-FREDDIE: Marceau, more drinks here. -No. No, Freddie,

-I don’t want to get drunk. -But you are drunk.

See, a sober person would've reached for the pretzels.

-(SIGHS) Is he going to be there long? -I don’t know.

-Oh, I’m on the bar. -You’re on the bar.

Come on, off the bar.

Oh, this stool is in your way. Let me move that for you.

Huh-oh, you fell.

Ooh, that hurt. You’re not having a good day, are you?

Wasn’t that a beautiful wedding ceremony?

-Oh, that was a beautiful ceremony. -It was.

-It really was. It was a beautiful... -The most gorgeous ceremony...

A lovely...

-(GIRLS GIGGLING) -(FREDDIE GROWLING)

-How ya doing? -Fine.

The fabulous Freddie Bauer here.

-MAN: Where did you get those? -My grandmother.

-She left them to me. -She did?

-Yeah. Thank you. -They’re beautiful.

Hi.

-Hi. -Hi.

You guys are in love, aren’t you?

We just met.

(CHUCKLES) That doesn’t matter. I know about these things.

I can see. I can tell. You two guys, you’re in love.

And I think that’s... I think that's beautiful.

-(GIRL CHUCKLES) -Thanks.

Listen. I don’t live too far.

Why don't we go to my place for a quiet drink?

-And you get to see... -Do I expect too much out of life?

-Hey, hey. -My dress!

-Oh! -I can’t believe this.

-I’m sorry. -Hey, what are you doing?

-You do it. I don't care. -Let me get...

Both of you. You’re both crazy!

I’m sorry. Look...

I don’t ask that much, do I? I mean, I don’t ask to be famous, rich,

or play center field for the New York Yankees or anything.

I just want to meet a woman. I want to meet a woman.

And I wanna fall in love. And I wanna get married.

And I wanna have a kid,

And I wanna go see him play a tooth in the school play.

It’s not much.

But I’m kidding myself. This is never going to happen.

I’m gonna grow old, and I'm...

And grow lonely, and I’m gonna die.

And I’ll be surrounded by a bunch of rotten fruit.

-ALAN: Freddie? -No kidding!

Freddie?

...the one!

Alan! I want you to meet some friends of mine.

This is Tawny, and this is Jill.

-I’m Tawny. -You’re Tawny. Tawny Tiger!

-And this is Jill, a four letter word. -JILL: Hey!

-FREDDIE: This is my brother, Alan. -Hi.

-Freddie, can I talk to you? -Absolutely.

-Excuse me. -Sure.

I’ll be right back. We’ll whisper some more.

I’ve got some whispering for you!

Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.

Pack your bags, my man. We’re going to Rio!

These girls have a timesharing condominium.

We’re gonna share some time with them.

No. No, Freddie, I’m going to Cape Cod.

What? What are you talking about? Cape Cod?

Why would you go to Cape Cod?

I don't know. Because I like Cape Cod, Freddie.

I feel better up there. I-I-I look at the water

-and I feel closer to something. -Cape Cod over Rio?

-Are you all right? -Yeah.

-Let me drive you. -No, no.

-Let me drive you up there. I'll drive. -No, no.

-You got enough money? -I’ve got plenty.

-Yeah? -Thanks.

Can I have some then?

-CAB DRIVER: Where to? -Cape Cod, Massachusetts.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

You break that, you pay for it.

Well, I’m sorry.

I usually enjoy smashing the glass with my face.

Okay. Cape Cod. That’s about 300 miles.

-You got the cash? -What is this?

(ENGINE REVVING)

-(CRICKETS CHIRPING) -(FROGS CROAKING)

WALTER: Careful with that.

Be careful with that!

What do you think you’re loading?

This is delicate scientific equipment.

Hold it. Wait a minute.

You see this? You see that? It says, "this end up."

Know what that means? It means this end up!

Why don’t you try holding that end up?

All right, get away! I’ll do it myself. Get away.

Give me a hand.

WALTER: Easy.

-Move that... -Excuse me.

-Morning. -WALTER: Morning.

-MAN: Morning. -Uh...

Ha! I was dropped off on the wrong side of the beach.

I was wondering if you could take me over to the island?

Well, uh, we’re not...

We’re not going, we're just...

We’re taking the boat. We’re not going out there!

Have you seen anyone else along this beach?

No. Just me and the moron twins.

We’re not twins.

-What is all this stuff? -I knew it!

Who sent you up here? Dr. Ross from Chicago?

Who’s Dr. Ross from Chicago?

Who’s Dr. Ross? You’re good, very good.

I suppose you’re just some harmless beach comber

Who happens to wear a tuxedo!

How dare you try and horn in on someone else’s research!

-Look, I’m just the guy trying... -Walter Kornbluth is not a man

to be taken advantage of.

So you just stay out of my way, sonny.

All right, let’s move out!

There's a guy down the beach, runs people out to the island.

What’s the name?

The guy or the island?

I’ll find him.

What’s the matter? You look a little nervous.

Yeah. The truth of the matter is, fat jack,

I don’t know how to swim.

-You can’t swim? -No, sir.

Then you wouldn’t want me to do this.

-Oh, God! No, please! -(BOAT PILOT LAUGHING)

Cut it out!

There’s water coming in the boat!

I’m just having a little fun.

Well, don’t do that.

(MOTOR SPUTTERING)

What is that? What’s the matter?

I guess when I rocked the boat, I must've got water in the engine.

I can fix it. I’m mechanical.

(HAMMERING)

Did you fix it yet?

No. I’ll go back for the other boat.

What?

Where are you going, Mr. Fat jack?

Back to the dock. It’s only a few miles.

I can swim it. I’ll be back with the little boat.

The little boat?

I knew it.

I knew that guy was spying on me.

I want to go down!

Mr. Cornbeef?

Kornbluth!

Whatcha looking for down there?

Buried treasure?

Want to know what I’m looking for, boys?

I’ll tell you.

None of your goddamn business, that’s what I'm looking for!

Get out of my way!

Let’s pee down his air hose.

(LAUGHTER) You get that.

Piece of shit.

(SCREAM)

(MUFFLED BOAT MOTOR REVVING)

(GASPING)

(MUFFLED BOAT MOTOR REVVING)

(ALAN GRUNTING)

(GASPING)

Oh, gee.

(THUD)

(GROANING)

(SPITTING)

Ouch!

Ouch.

(ALAN MOANING)

Hello.

You have any idea how I got here?

Did you save me?

Uh...do you speak English?

Hey! Come back!

Hey, come back! Please?

Just...just tell me who you are!

I’ve gotta talk to you.

Can I call you? What’s your number?

I don’t know how to swim!

I don’t know how to swim! Come back!

Oh, why didn’t I learn how to swim?

Please, just...

(GASPS)

(MUFFLED) It's a mermaid. It's her!

Wait a minute!

Don't go!

Come back! I gotta take a picture!

Hold it!

-(HORN HONKING) -(ALARM BLARING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENTS OVER P.A.)

Hi, Mrs. Stimler.

Hi. What happened to your head?

-Lightning? Oh. -No, a boat hit me.

-Mrs. Stimler? -Yes?

-Nothing. -So nice to have you back.

PARK RANGER: Welcome to the Statue of Liberty.

The statue is a gift from French citizens,

and has come to symbolize hope for oppressed peoples everywhere.

Over the course of a century, Ms. Liberty has seen the New York skyline,

which once she dwarfed, rise in great mountains of stone and steel.

Now, If you’ll go inside, the tour will continue.

Come on. Here we go.

Let’s go. We’re backing up.

Here we go. Come on. Okay. You’ve got feet, use them!

Don’t touch my hat. Do not ever touch my hat.

That’s it.

Up-up-up-up-up-up. Okay.

Welcome to the Statue of Liberty.

The statue is a gift from French citizens,

It has come to symbolize hope for naked women everywhere.

Bocci balls!

-(YELL) -PARK RANGER: Hey, hey.

-(CROWD CLAMORING) -Come on. Don’t be doing that.

MAN 1: Take a picture. Take a picture of me.

Vinnie, take my picture. Take my picture. You got it?

-MAN 2: Oh, yeah! -Get it. Get it all!

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

The statue was...was a gift from...from French people.

Get out of the way. Let's see what’s going on.

Oh, okay, miss.

This ain’t California. We don’t go for this stuff here. Come on!

(BOOING)

(BOAT FOGHORN BLASTS)

-What’s your name, miss? -She don’t speak no English.

-And you do? -Here. She was carrying this.

What’s this?

Who’s this guy?

-Is that enough or you want some more? -No, no,

that’s plenty, that's all the business we can handle. Let’s talk terms.

-He doesn’t have a clue what's going on. -Don’t worry about him.

We’ll move it out in the morning.

Ah, Bauer! Your brother told me

about your unfortunate experience in Vietnam.

Huh?

The incident in Vietnam. Remember?

The grenade going over your helmet.

Does it still bother you? You’re wearing a bandage.

Page him. Hey, Al?

-Yeah? -Phone.

Um, excuse me. Okay?

-Thanks, Jerry. Yeah? -Yeah.

Alan Bauer. Speaking.

Yeah. On my way!

I believe this is...

Alan, where are you going?

Alan!

-What happened? -Telephone.

He was on the phone in 'Nam when the grenade went off.

Ever since then, he...runs,

gets in a car and drives away.

-Oh. -I don’t know why.

-It just happens. -Oh.

Let’s review this.

(SIREN WAILING)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

Pardon me. Excuse me!

-(BELL RINGING) -Hey, yo, Mr. Police officer, sir?

Hey! Take it easy.

What do you want?

Bauer. My name’s Alan Bauer. You guys called me.

Hey, Any of you guys call for an Alan Bauer?

-Alan Bauer? -Bauer.

Oh, yeah. That’s for her.

Right over there.

Hi.

I take it you know this girl?

Yeah, I do.

Who is she?

I don’t know.

Of course.

Afternoon, Mr. Bauer. You’re home early today.

Yeah.

Uh,

that doorway spins.

It spins around. Wanna get this fixed, Timmy?

TIMMY: All right.

-Hi. -Hello.

(ELEVATOR HUMMING)

(ALAN SINGING)

♪ Zip-a-dee-doo-dah Zip-a-dee-a

♪ Mr. Bluebird’s On my shoulder

♪ It’s the truth It’s actual

♪ Everything is satisfactual

♪ Zip-a-dee-doo-dah Zip-a-dee-a

♪ My, oh, my What a wonderful day ♪

Hi. Room service. I didn’t know what you liked

so I got you a choice. Fruity Pebbles, pancakes, omelet...

No. No. No-no-no-no-no-no-no.

I’ve got to get back to work.

That will keep you company while I'm gone.

When I come back from work in a couple of hours,

we’ll go out and get some dinner,

and we'll also pick you up some clothes.

Not that you don’t look spectacular in my robe.

-(TV CHATTER) -Okay? Bye-bye.

No. Please.

You’re gonna put me in the hospital.

Uh, it’s about three o'clock already. I really have to get back to work.

You are wonderful.

Bye-bye. Bye.

(TV CHATTER)

Things don’t get started down there again until four o'clock anyway.

Let’s not be so choosy with these onions, all right?

Some of these are perfectly good onions.

ALAN: Hey, Everybody! Zip-a-dee-doo-dah!

♪ Zip-a-dee-doo-dah zip-a...

Hey, Manuel!

♪ My, oh, my What a wonderful day

♪ Plenty of sunshine Heading my way

♪ Zip-a-dee-doo-dah Zip-a-dee-a

♪ Mr. Mango on my shoulder

Freddie, dance with me!

Please, not in front of the teamsters. Come on!

-Come on, they’re happy guys. -You’re a rotten lead.

I’ve got the Buyrite contracts ready.

-Want to check them? -No! No, you check them.

You check them. You know the business.

-Ooh, so I’m in charge? -Sure.

What about the lawyer’s meeting tonight at 8:00?

Eight P.M.? No. That’s too late for me.

I’m going upstairs to the office. I'm gonna take a nap.

-Wake me when it’s time to go home. -FREDDIE: Okay.

♪ Zip-a-dee...

Jerry, handle those for me! (LAUGHS)

TV ANNOUNCER: Ann Klein.

Bloomingdale’s.

Ann Klein.

Bloomingdale’s.

The Ann Klein collection available in New York at...

Bloomingdale’s.

Can I help you, miss?

Can’t you talk?

-Bloomingdale’s? -Sure. Hey!

Oh, my God.

Darling. Darling.

Darling! That outfit, it’s to die from.

What happened? You saw Annie Hall 100 times?

That look is over.

You want to try that on?

Who knows? Maybe it’s you.

It isn't me. I couldn’t get one leg in there.

My daughter, on the other hand, is lucky.

She’s anorexic.

(CASH REGISTER BEEPING)

Please call again. Don’t forget these.

And why don't you do yourself a favor and stop in the lingerie department?

A pretty girl like you shouldn’t be wearing boxer shorts.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

BOY: (ON TV) Let me try! What a cool tent!

BOY: (ON TV) Let me try! Come on!

TV ANNOUNCER 1: Colgate winter fresh gel...

TV ANNOUNCER 2: And now, we continue with the Capitol...

TV ANNOUNCER 3: Wear the adjustable-angle mascara...

TV ANNOUNCER 4: Maximum protection in a great-tasting gel.

It’s crazy Eddie's greatest clearance sale ever!

Crazy Eddie's slashing prices on special-marked items:

stereo equipment, video equipment, Color TV’s, car stereos...

disco equipment and professional products.

Plus a selection of floor samples and demonstrators.

All with manufacturer's warranty,

priced at or below cost.

It’s crazy Eddie's greatest clearance sale ever,

Going on right now at prices that are insane!

TV ANNOUNCER 5: Crazy Eddie, 12 great locations. Manhattan,

The Bronx, Brooklyn, Syosset, Paramus, East Brunswick, Union,

Westchester, Westbury and Norwalk.

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

(SINGING "ZIP-A-DEE-DOO-DAH")

Hello?

Hey, I’m home!

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

-I’m looking for a girl, Timmy. -Two hundred bucks.

No, the one I came in this afternoon, the blond.

-Oh, she left. -Any idea where she went?

-Well, I put her in a cab. -To where? To where, Timmy?

-Bloomingdale’s. -Bloomingdale’s. Great. Thanks.

Yo! Hey, taxi! Hey!

Halt, taxi, please!

♪ She works hard for the money

Come on, come on. Let’s go!

♪ She works hard for the money And you better treat her...

Excuse me, miss, we’re getting ready to close.

She’s been here for six hours.

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

♪ So hard for the money...

Excuse me, miss. I’m going to insist that...

That you stop doing that.

(ELEVATOR DINGING)

TEACHER: (ON TV) Hold that step again.

She’s uh, exercising.

Give her...a minute.

-Sir! Sir, we’re closing. Sir! -Yeah. Yeah, I know. I know.

-Just give me three minutes. -Come back.

Three minutes! You can time me!

(TV CHATTER)

Oh, thank God.

SALESMAN: Excuse me. Do you know this woman?

Yeah. Yes, I do. Just don’t ask me what her name is.

Well, we’ve been trying to tell her it’s closing time,

but she doesn’t seem to understand.

Yeah, well, that’s because she doesn’t speak English at all.

Hello, Alan.

How was your day?

Excuse me, I never went to college,

but wasn’t that English?

Thank you for letting me use your television.

It was very educational.

It’s all right, miss.

Uh...

what’s your name?

It’s hard to say in English.

Well, just say it in your language.

All right. My name is...

(SCREECHING)

Hey, how ’bout those Knicks?

I’m confused. Why is that you haven’t said anything to me until now.

-I didn’t know English. -Oh, I see. And now you do?

Yes, I learned it this afternoon from television. It’s wonderful!

Now, I can ask you questions. If you answer them correctly,

you can win one of these valuable prizes:

An attractive wall clock, a matching washer and dryer set,

-or a brand new car! -Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Let me go first, okay?

Who are you? Where are you from?

Just begin when you were born

and finish up right when you blew up the TV’s.

Pretty.

Well, yeah. I’ve never really thought about it before,

but yeah. Are you from Cape Cod?

No, I’m from another place.

Oh, yeah? I’ve got a cousin from there.

Ha-ha-ha.

Are you an American?

No. (LAUGHS)

Then why were you in Cape Cod? Why are you now new York?

How did the cops find you naked?

What’s that?

What? The music?

Music! I like it! I heard some in the television.

"Dance fever."

♪ Hey, I love you girl

♪ Darling, darling...

Uh, hi, hi.

We better go, hon, or else we’ll be late.

-You never heard music? -What’s that?

Uh...

(CAR HORN HONKING)

-(CRASHING) -Oh, gosh!

-What’s that? -It’s a movie theater.

What the hell are you doing? You could've gotten me killed!

Cut her some slack. She’s from out of town.

Keep her on a leash.

Yeah, yeah. Have a nice day.

Hello?

Did you see this?

It’s wonderfully delicious and so good for you.

While you’re here, maybe you got watch a little less TV.

How long are you going to be in town?

Six fun-filled days.

Oh, six days.

Is that all?

Six days,

And the moon is full.

Oh.

The moon is full.

If I stay longer than that, I can’t ever go back.

Oh, I get... What?

Is there some sort of immigration problem or something?

Where did you get that?

Where? Oh, for...

Sir?

Here you are, sir. There you go.

You know, I’m going to have to call you something in English

because I can’t pronounce, uh...

-What... -What are English names?

Well, there’s millions of them, I guess.

Jennifer, Joanie, Hillary.

Careful! Hey, those are hot.

Names, names. Linda, Kim...

Where are we? Madison.

-Elizabeth, Samantha... -Madison.

-Madison. I like Madison. -Well, Madison’s not a name.

Well, all right. Okay, fine. Madison it is.

Good thing we weren’t at 149th street.

Are we going back to where you live now?

Okay, um...here’s the thing.

I was going to find you a hotel,

But I figure that after this afternoon...

Well, I... I mean, I just assumed that...

Would you mind staying with me?

I want to stay with you.

You’re the reason I came here.

Uh, that was a kiss.

I know.

(CLOCK TICKING)

(DISTANT SIREN WAILING)

Madison?

Madison?

Alan?

Yeah, of course, it’s Alan.

What are you doing, sweetheart?

Taking a bath.

Oooh. Can I come in?

No!

(THUD)

What was that?

Madison, are you all right?

Everything’s fine.

Then let me in.

I’ll be right there. I’m just changing.

Enough is enough, Madison! Open the door. Something is wrong.

Alan, can you make me some pancakes?

Make you some... Madison!

All right, Madison, this is getting scary.

You either open this door, or I’ll break it down!

-No, Alan, please. -All right, that’s it!

Alan, no!

-No! -Ow.

Hi.

Hi.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

Why wouldn’t you let me in?

I was...shy.

You were shy?

After the car, and the elevator, and the bedroom,

And on top of the refrigerator, you were shy?

I was shy.

She was shy.

(GARBLED SHOUTS)

(AIR HISSING)

(GASPING)

Hey, B.B. brain!

Yeah?

See this hose?

This is so I can breathe.

Uh-huh.

You want to get your chair off it?

Huh?

(HISSING STOPS)

(LAUGHS)

The Star Confidential?

-Yeah. -Why are you reading this?

I don’t know.

What possesses the uneducated to purchase these things?

Interesting.

You’re not helping yourself.

You’re not... What?

This is not news.

Give me this. You know what’s in here?

Nothing. You have sex, you have perversion.

It’s all fabrication. Look at this.

A naked woman at the Statue of Liberty.

Where would they find a girl to do that?

(LAUGHING)

-Right here... -Ow, my head!

Let me see that.

Take me back to shore. Now!

Hello.

Madison, what is it?

What's wrong? What happened?

(HORSE NEIGHING ON TV)

It’s the saddest thing I ever saw.

(TV CHATTER)

It’s Bonanza.

The man killed another man,

and he died right in the middle of the street.

Oh, no, no. This is only TV.

I thought you understood about TV. See, this is make-believe.

This is just pretend killing that’s going on here. See, now,

this guy, he's an actor.

And next week, he’ll get shot on another show.

If you think about it, it’s kinda funny.

You mean I’m supposed to laugh?

Yeah.

There you go.

Yeah. Uh...

I got you something.

(SIGHS)

It’s beautiful. I love it.

No, you open it.

There’s more?

(BAROQUE CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS)

(WATER TRICKLING)

Do you like that?

Yeah, I do.

I don’t know why really. Just...

something about it.

It’s always appealed to me.

Do you like the sea?

No. When I was about eight years old,

I had this accident on a ship.

I remember.

What?

Uh, I can’t... I forget the words.

What’s that... Uh, "I understand."

(CHUCKLES)

Did you get hurt?

No, no, I didn’t.

But when I was underwater, I could have sworn I saw... I saw...

What?

-Nothing. -What?

Nothing!

I was just a stupid kid.

-(FERRY FOGHORN BLASTS) -I think they'll tear this park out.

Why?

They’re gonna build some river front condos or some such nonsense.

What are you gonna do, huh?

You want to go home?

-No, I have five days left! -No, no, no.

My home!

Oh. (CHUCKLES) Yes.

ALAN: Why do we want to go to a political dinner?

-Because the president will be speaking. -President of what?

President of the Three Stooges fan club.

-The president of the United States! -Wow.

I tell you, we’ll be rubbing elbows with the big boys.

-You think big to be big. -I guess so.

Listen, uh...

would you mind if I took Madison to this thing

instead of going with you?

ALAN: What?

-What? -What?

Something in here not working?

"Oh, I’ll never fall in love, Freddie.

"I can’t. It won’t work with me."

Who said anything about me being in love?

You haven’t been to work in two days.

-So? -Admit it.

-No. No! -Admit it!

-Eye gouge! (GRUNTS, YELLS) -(ALAN GROANS)

-Hooah! Ahhh! -(ALAN GROANING)

-Admit it. -No.

-Bone crusher! Yah! -(ALAN GROANS)

Son of a bitch!

(FREDDIE SCREAMS)

(GRUNTS)

(GROANS)

How long we've been playing?

-ALAN: About five minutes. -Oh, God.

My heart’s beating like a rabbit.

You, uh, want a beer?

No, thanks.

So...tell me this.

If you’re not in love with her,

How come little things she does drive you crazy so much, huh?

Little things? Freddie...

the woman learned how to speak English in a single afternoon.

She could probably speak English already.

I think she was in shock from being arrested, you know.

What about that, huh?

What about a woman showing up naked in a public place, Freddie?

Well, I’m for it, of course.

You yourself said...

That she had some kind of what? Immigration problem.

She’s on an ocean liner in the middle of international waters.

And...she sees America. It looks good.

So, she greases her body up like a channel swimmer.

She dives in.

She goes through some sharks has some heavy trouble there,

goes through the coast guard, through some mine fields,

and then she’s on shore. She’s okay. That's it.

What about the bathtub?

And this moon stuff. And what about all those TV’s?

Look, I’m being serious.

I've had a few minor fiascos in my own love life.

I admit that, really.

Freddie, you took a date to one of your own weddings!

I’m a free spirit!

I’m extremely liberal, a freewheeling dude.

You know what your problem is?

You’re in love with this girl and you're trying to convince yourself you’re not.

I just don’t know, Freddie.

It is something about it isn’t right.

I’ll serve. You hold the beer. That will be your handicap.

-Oh, we’re gonna play? -Yeah.

I’m gonna teach you a lesson in humility.

All right. Wait.

Humility 101.

-You all set? -Yeah.

All right, here we go.

(GROANS)

This is what we came to hear?

You call us

and tell us that you have stretched the frontiers of paleontology

and zoology.

And we interrupt important, serious work

to fly here at a moment’s notice,

and you give us mermaids!

Don’t call us. Call the comic book companies.

That's enough. Gentlemen,

we have a seminar in three weeks. I expect you to be ready for that.

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

(WHISTLING)

-Alan, you’re here! -Wha...

-I got you a present. Come on. -What? Wait.

-I gotta... I gotta close the door. -Don’t look. Close your eyes.

What are you doing?

(CHUCKLING) All right.

Okay. Look.

Ha-ha! Wha... You, uh... Wha...

Well, that's... that’s big!

Yeah, this is...

This is very...big,

And it’s...really here.

It’s just so big!

They were gonna tear it down, so I bought it for you.

Where did you get the money to pay for something like this?

Madison, where’s your necklace?

I traded it for the statue.

Why?

Because I love you.

Oh, Madison.

Madison, I love...

This, uh, present.

I love it.

And I love you.

DR. ZIDELL: What’s happened to you?

You were the brightest student in my class.

True, emotionally, you were 12 years old.

-I was 12 years old. -That’s right. That's right.

And look what you’ve become?

A schmuck.

There is a mermaid in New York city.

Oh, sure, sure.

You mean this, this...

this naked girl?

How come she’s got legs?

She has legs out of water, she has fins in the water.

You taught me that, Dr. Zidell. Don't you remember?

You taught me all the legends.

You used to bring me in the office.

You used to show me charts on the walls

where sailors had claimed they saw mermaids.

Walter, that was for fun, for relaxation,

not for you to build your whole life on.

I’m gonna prove to you, and to everyone else

that that girl is a mermaid!

How? You gonna get her wet

so everybody sees she has fins? (LAUGHS)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

(HORN HONKING)

(HORN HONKING)

MAN: Taxi?

Oh!

-WOMAN: Watch it! -MAN: Watch it, buddy.

WALTER: Excuse me.

Look out.

MAN: What does he think he’s doing?

-Hey! Hey! -(INDISTINCT YELLING)

(CRYING)

WALTER: Oh, my...

(WALTER GROANING)

(PIANO PLAYS)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

-(GRUNTS) -(GASPS)

Oops.

Nice earrings.

-Is something the matter? -No, nothing at all.

You know, I was thinking.

You don’t have to leave the country.

-I do. -No. No, you don’t.

See, there’s stuff we can do to get around the immigration laws.

For instance, I could give you a job down at the market.

And you could get a work visa.

Or, huh, you could...

marry, like, an American,

and they have to let you stay.

Our food is here!

Oh.

Well, we’ll... I guess we'll talk about it later.

Do be careful, madam. The plate is very hot.

Thank you. These look terrific.

BOTH: Ew!

(PATRONS MURMURING)

She’s really hungry.

("SKATER'S WALTZ" PLAYS)

You were very good.

Come on. Oops. Come on.

Oh.

Let’s sit down and talk.

(EXHALES)

-Your nose is cold. -(ALAN CHUCKLES)

I don’t want to talk about my nose.

Your ears are all red! (CHUCKLES)

I don’t want to talk about any part of my face.

But I do want to talk about what happened in the restaurant.

(CHUCKLES) I’m sorry.

That’s how we eat lobster where I come from.

Oh, no, no, no. I don’t care about that.

No, I don't care about that.

You see, I was trying to do something in there

and I guess I did it very badly. I was trying...

to ask you if you wanted to get married.

Madison, will you marry me?

No.

What? No? Just no?

You don’t wanna think about it? You don’t wanna kick it around?

-I can’t. -Why?

-I can’t tell you. I... -Look, I know

you have some big secret that you think you can't tell me,

but you can.

-What, you’re already married? -Alan.

You’re dying? You were once a man? Whatever it is,

-I don't care, you can tell me. -Alan.

I only have three days left.

Please make them wonderful.

Okay.

You want to skate some more?

Yeah. Yeah, I do.

Alan?

You know them?

No, I’ve just seen them before.

I guess they’ve been coming here together for about 40 years.

They look very happy.

Why shouldn’t they be happy, huh?

They get to spend their whole lives together, don't them?

Is this really what happens to water when it gets cold?

Yeah.

Where I come from, it never gets cold.

Oh, well, hey, what a breakthrough there!

You know, you just really just opened up to me there.

Your voice sounds funny.

It’s called sarcasm.

They don’t have that where you come from either?

No.

Well, they don’t have anything, do they?

They don’t have ice. They don't have music.

And they don't have clothes.

Just what kind of a place is this, Madison?

Madison?

-Madison! -Hey, those skates are rented!

Just give me one second, okay? Madison!

(GROANS) Madison!

Madison, please? I’m sorry!

Let her go. Show some dignity, for Christ's sake.

Madison!

(INAUDIBLE)

Thanks.

-(HORN HONKS) -(TIRES SCREECH)

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

-Alan? -What?

Yes.

See, if we get our blood test today,

we can even marry as early as tomorrow. if we wanted to!

No, before we get to blood test, I have to tell you everything.

So tell me.

-Not today. -But, see,

if we get the blood test today... No pressure, mind you...

-(MADISON CHUCKLES) -But if we get the test today

as soon as you tell me, we can get married.

Listen, you will love being married to me.

I was born to be married. I just so happen to come

from a long line of married people.

My mom and dad, they were married.

Their moms and dads, they were married, too.

(PANTING)

(CAMERA CLICKING)

-Son of a bitch! -(ELEVATOR DINGS)

-I thought we were going upstairs. -Yeah, I know.

But I love you, and I’m not gonna lose you again.

So we are getting married tonight. We're gonna get in a car,

drive to Maryland. I don't know why I didn't think that before.

Freddie always marries there. You don’t need a blood test down there.

Oh, there’s this dinner with the president. Damn!

That’s okay! Hey, that's all right. We’ll go after we have dinner.

-We’ll already be dressed up! -Alan, I haven’t told you...

I know. You haven’t told me this big secret of yours.

That's okay, you can tell me on the way to Maryland.

(GROANS)

(FERRY FOGHORN BLASTS)

(CROWD CLAMORING)

(SOFT JAZZ PLAYS)

You know what I hope? I hope we have a boy and a girl.

What kind?

Wha... What kind? The young kind, I guess.

'cause the older ones are a little hard to deliver. (LAUGHS)

-We’re getting married tonight. -(CHEERING)

-Wonderful. Congratulations. -Oh, thank you.

Why is this bread in here instead of out there?

The butter is hard like a rock.

Do you have a broken arm?

No, it’s fractured in 16 places.

Why are you here?

The union sent me.

("HAIL TO THE CHIEF" PLAYS)

My God, the president is here!

The president’s here. The president’s here!

Hmm.

Bob Collins.

Thank you.

I’m just a corn-fed Kansas boy,

but you people are the big apple of my eye.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you. It’s great to be back in New York.

Alert. Alert.

Table five. Intercept busboy with suspicious hump.

He’s reaching! Get him now!

-Sir, I’d like a word with you, please. -About what?

This has nothing to do with the president.

Nothing to do with the president!

PRESIDENT: Get him out!

(INDISTINCT YELLING)

Well, I guess he just found out what his dinner cost.

(LAUGHTER)

I want to talk to the press!

-I want to talk to the press! -Who's this guy?

-(SECURITY AGENTS YELLING) -I have a formal statement to make!

PRESIDENT: And in Bob Hollins you've a candidate for Congress

who's in touch with the people. A man who built up the business...

left to him by his grandfather.

What was once a small push-car on wheels

-is now one of the largest... -Alan?

-Yeah? -...fast-food chains in America.

It’s time for me to tell you.

-PRESIDENT: How did he do it? -What? Now?

-PRESIDENT: With perseverance, ingenuity. -Right now.

Okay. Okay. Great.

-Not here. -Fine. Fine. Sure. Come on.

I'm not crazy.

-There’s a mermaid in there! -Shut up!

-REPORTER: What mermaid? -I’m a scientist.

-(REPORTERS YELLING) -Where’s the goddamn car!

The gray BMW.

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

Hey, I know that guy.

I saw him on Cape Cod. Gee, I thought he was crazy then.

There she is! There she is!

SECURITY: Get him!

-Don’t let him shoot that. -MAN: That a gun?

-SECURITY 1: Hold it! -No!

SECURITY 2: Get that thing out of his hand.

Grab that hose!

-Grab him! Get him! -(WOMAN SCREAMS)

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING, GROANING)

No!

What’s going on?

SECURITY 1: Down! Down!

(CAMERAS CLICKING)

(DISTANT SIREN BLARING)

I was right!

Behold the mermaid!

(CROWD GASPS)

(INDISTINCT SCREAMING)

-(POLICE RADIO CHATTER) -(SIREN BLASTS)

REPORTER: Let me out of here!

Who are you? What is your name?

Alan!

-What do we do? -Grab her. Grab everybody!

I want to see her.

-Alan. Alan. -SECURITY 2: Move it!

Move it! Get out!

MADISON: Alan!

-Please! -SECURITY 1: Let’s pick her up.

Alan. Alan!

Alan.

Alan!

MAN: (OVER P.A.) Lieutenant Emmett, you're wanted in the front desk.

Good afternoon, Dr. Ross.

MAN: (OVER P.A.) Dr. Hill, Line five. Stat!

-Buckwalter. -Sir!

-Gentlemen. Anything? -No change.

I am not a fish!

How many times do I have to tell you people that?

Will you just let me out of here?

Please? Huh? People?

Let’s try some interaction.

Fine. Jim?

(HOIST MOTOR HUMMING)

HOIST RATTLING)

(BEEPING)

I guess they thought you might be one.

Yeah.

I guess so.

You said whatever my secret was, you’d understand.

I know.

But...

You thought at least I was a human being.

Alan?

He’s been in the water 12 hours. He’s obviously just a man.

Get him out of there! So we can concentrate on her.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Here's Greg Martin, WMET Radio, here with Alan Bauer.

-When did you meet the mermaid? -FEMALE REPORTER: Where did you meet?

GREG: Did you know she was a mermaid?

MALE REPORTER 1: Did you actually make love to her?

-No, that’s a stupid question. -FEMALE REPORTER: Did she eat worms?

Would you have to make love to her in the water?

Listen, Jack, that’s none of your business.

Is she some kind of a mutant or missing link

-of any kind? -No, she’s not.

I’m from People magazine. Is it true she's also seeing Burt Reynolds?

-Oh, for crying out loud! -(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

-ALAN: No! No! -Leave him alone!

Leave him alone! Get out of the way! Get out of the way!

-Can you please let me through? -FREDDIE: Out of the way.

-I just... -Alan! You all right?

-Yeah. Get me out of here! -Is anyone here from Penthouse magazine?

-ALL: No. -Then we ain’t talking.

(RAP MUSIC PLAYS OVER RADIO)

Hey, Alan?

FREDDIE: What are you looking at?

You never saw a guy who slept with a fish before?

Get back to work!

Mr. Bauer, you had a million messages.

I wrote them down right here.

You got calls from...CBS, NBC, ABC, AP,

UPI, Ted Turner, Time, Newsweek,

Marineland, Ripley’s Believe It Or Not

and Mrs. Paul.

Not now, Mrs. Stimler.

"Fishman?"

Fishman!

That’s what they're calling you on TV, too.

Personally, I think it’s kinda cute.

So, how is she?

How is she? She is a...

She’s a mermaid.

I don’t understand.

All my life I’ve been waiting for someone...

And when I find her, she is...

She’s a fish.

Nobody said love’s perfect!

Oh, Freddie, I don’t expect it to be perfect.

But, for God’s sake, it’s usually human!

Every day people meet and they fall in love.

Every Day! Look what I got.

Look what you got. Yeah, let’s look at what you got.

Let’s take a good look at what you got.

People fall in love every day.

-Is that what you said? -Yeah.

Yeah? Well, that’s a crock! It doesn’t work that way.

Do you realize how happy you were with her?

That is, of course when you weren’t driving yourself crazy.

Every day? Come on.

Some people will never be that happy!

I’ll never be that happy!

What am I talking to you for?

You don’t know nothing. Mrs. Stimler?

(BEEPING)

Does she look a little pale?

Ah, that’s a good day’s work.

Now, tomorrow, I want to see how she interacts

with other marine life.

Then we will be ready for the internal examination.

Internal examination?

Of course. I want to study her pulmonary system,

-her reproductive organs, everything! -Dr. Ross?

Are we considering...

how the subject is responding to the examination

-procedure itself? -I’m considering everything!

Ah, yes, well,

I’m sure you are, Dr. Ross.

How stupid of me, of course! But let me ask you this.

Are you considering the possibility

that you might be a sadistic pig?

While we are baring our souls, Mr. Kornbluth,

I must honestly tell you I have never considered you a man of science.

You’re not a member of my team.

Run along now, Walter. See if you can’t find a unicorn.

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR SLAMS SHUT)

BEEPING CONTINUES)

(WATER TRICKLING)

-WALTER: What’s that? -Pain killer, Mr. Kornbluth.

Whoever punched you cracked your tooth.

We’ll be very close to the nerve.

I don’t deserve any pain killer. Just drill.

Oh, you want pain. Well, we aim to please.

-(DRILL MOTOR WHIRRING) -Get out.

-What are you doing... -Get out!

-Yah, yah. Okay, okay. -Please stay. Ahh!

Let’s talk.

Hey, put that down.

-Put that needle down. -You stay away from me.

I said, let’s talk. Come on. Put it down!

-Stay away from me! -Put it... Put it...

-You through what? -(WALTER GRUNTS)

(WALTER SCREAMS)

Ow!

(GRUNTS)

(GROANS)

(GROANS)

(GROANS) What a week I’m having!

You’ve destroyed my life, Kornbluth.

I didn’t mean to.

I just wanted to prove to everybody that I wasn’t crazy.

I’m a man of science.

I just didn’t think about how it would affect you...

or her.

I’m really a nice guy.

If I had friends, you could ask them.

I’ve been on the phone to every employee

of the United States government calling them sons-of-bitches.

Nobody could even get in to see her.

I can.

Come on. Come on!

-(WALTER GROANS) -Come on.

Good afternoon, Dr. Kornbluth. I wasn’t expecting you back today.

These are Doctors Jarred and Johanssen from the Stockholm Institute.

I thought they were coming in later with Dr. Ross.

WALTER: Oh, no, no. That story was just to fool the press.

-(WALTER LAUGHS) -Oh!

Hey, um, you know, I’m half Swedish.

(SPEAKING SWEDISH)

Ja.

-Ja. Ja. Ja, sure. Ja... -Ja? Oh, ja. Yeah. Yeah...

-Well! -Uh, just a second.

(SPEAKING SWEDISH)

(SPEAKING SWEDISH)

Ah.

-How the hell did you do that? -Let me tell you something.

Many of your finer nudie films come from Sweden.

After you see them 400 or 500 times, the stuff starts to sink in.

-Afternoon, Buckwalter. -Sorry, Dr. Kornbluth,

no one comes in until Dr. Ross gets back with them Swede people.

These are the Swedish doctors.

These are...Swedes?

Ah, come here.

Isn’t that one right there kinda dark, you know?

He’s dirty from the trip!

-Come on, let us in! -I don't know,

-I’m not supposed to. -What are you afraid of?

Do you think we’re gonna steal the mermaid?

(LAUGHING)

Steal the mermaid. Stealing the mermaid!

Are we gonna fold her in half and put her in a briefcase?

In a briefcase. In half.

I guess it’s all right. Go ahead.

-All right. Go in. -It's good.

-Good joke, there. Good joke -Yeah.

BUCKWALTER: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-(BEEPING) -(DOOR CLOSES)

(FASTER BEEPING)

(VERY FAST BEEPING)

-Hi. -Hi.

Huh, is this the big secret you’ve been keeping from me?

Is it that you’re a mermaid, or is there something else?

No, that’s it.

Alan...don’t feel guilty.

Guilty? About what?

About not loving me anymore.

Oh, Madison.

All the time we were together,

you always knew how I was feeling.

Can’t you tell now?

(FASTER BEEPING)

♪ Well, left my wife In new Orleans

♪ Forty-eight kids And a can of beans

♪ Left, right, one...

Oh, my God!

-What? -Stand back, man!

Cover his face, for God’s sake!

What happened? What’s going on in there?

-What happened? -That creature

Dr. Johanssen bent down to examine her

and suddenly, these rays came out of her eyes!

Don’t go in there, man! She’ll melt your face right off.

I knew something would happen. What should I do?

-Stop whining. Seal off the area. -No. I’ll call the Pentagon.

Pentagon? Are you crazy? You want to create a national panic?

-I don’t want to die! -Pull yourself together!

Don’t let anybody in that room. Do you understand?

I’ll be back. I'll be back with nuclear weapons. Come on, Doctor.

Good afternoon, Dr. Ross. Who are your guests?

Drs. Jarred and Johanssen from the Swedish institute.

Uh, sir?

Dr. Kornbluth just left with the two swedes a few minutes ago, sir.

Hi-ya, boys. Come on in. The water’s fine.

(LAUGHING)

Let’s get her back. Now!

And arrest him.

(ALARM BLARING)

MAN: (OVER P.A.) This is not a drill.

HELICOPTER PILOT: (OVER RADIO) We have a blue BMW. Over.

(HELICOPTER RADIO CHATTER)

-(HORN HONKING) -Come on. Come on. Come on.

You wanna know something? I don’t think we’re being followed.

Wha... Well, that was easy.

ALAN: That was simple! We did it! (LAUGHS)

-WALTER: That was my plan. -ALAN: Walter, you're a genius.

-I am a genius. -You're a genius!

-But you came in with the Swedish thing. -That was...

That was a brilliant touch.

I didn’t even like you when I first met you.

Nobody likes me at first!

-(LAUGHING) -(HORNS HONKING)

Alan?

-Move! -ALAN: All right. Here we go!

(HORN HONKING)

(HORN HONKING)

HELICOPTER PILOT: (OVER RADIO) Suspect heading south on Broadway.

(HORN HONKING)

(ALAN SCREAMS)

(HORN HONKING)

(HELICOPTER RADIO CHATTER)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

WOMAN: Watch out!

HELICOPTER PILOT: (OVER RADIO) Unit one. Lost them in the Wall Street district. Over.

-Stop the car. -What?

Let me out. I’ll slow them down.

-How? -Just do as I say!

I caused all this. Now, I’m gonna finish it.

(SIREN BLARING)

Get the hell out of here.

-(ENGINE REVVING) -Go!

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Whoa! (GROANS)

What a week I’m having!

(CLANGING)

(HORN HONKING)

(HELICOPTER RADIO CHATTER)

(HORN HONKING)

Hey, Mac, move that thing out of here!

Up yours, Gomer. I’m waitin' for a fare.

(TIRES SCREECH)

Heave!

SERGEANT: All right. Move out! Move out! Move out! Move out!

Come on, let’s go!

(HELICOPTER RADIO CHATTER)

I was ready to stay with you forever.

I know. Now they know who you are. They're never gonna leave you alone.

I can’t ever come back to you.

I wish I could go with you.

You can.

-How? How? -It can be done.

Remember when you were eight and fell off the ship?

You were safe under the water, weren’t you?

Yeah.

You were with me.

You mean, that was real?

You mean, that was you?

That was you! (CHUCKLES)

-(SIREN WAILING) -This is great. This is great!

I can go with you and still come back

and see Freddie at Christmas.

You can’t ever come back.

(SIRENS WAILING)

Madison.

(HELICOPTER WHIRRING)

I understand.

MAN: (OVER P.A.) You on the dock, don’t move.

You’re under arrest.

Let the girl go. Step back from the dock.

You’re under arrest.

You have to go!

Move out. Let’s go!

I love you, Madison.

Go.

Go!

SOLDIER: (OVER P.A.) Get this guy on the dock.

Leave her alone!

Leave her alone!

Madison.

Madison!

SOLDIER: (OVER P.A.) Stay where you are. We'll get you.

(GASPING) Madison!

(GARBLED SHOUTS)

♪ One fine day

♪ Love came for me

♪ And love was rare

♪ As love can be

♪ I saw stars

♪ Shining in clear blue skies

♪ We flowed together

♪ Once and forever

♪ Love came for me

♪ One fine night

♪ Love let us see

♪ How far we’ll go

♪ How good we’ll be

♪ We saw a world

♪ No one ever saw before

♪ It was the world

♪ Love can start

♪ With a beat of a heart

♪ Love came for me

♪ I saw stars

♪ Shining in clear blue skies

♪ We flowed together

♪ Once and forever

♪ Love came for me

♪ One fine night

♪ Love let us see

♪ How far we’ll go

♪ How good we’ll be

♪ We saw a world

♪ No one ever saw before

♪ It was the world

♪ Love can start

♪ With a beat of a heart

♪ Love came for me

♪ Love came for me

♪ Love came for me