Original subtitles

Hello, and welcome to a brand-new series of Last One Laughing.

The show with one simple rule: you laugh, you lose.

For the next six hours, ten comedians will be locked in here,

trying to make each other laugh, whilst trying not to laugh themselves.

So, what's changed since last year?

Well, the horses have been replaced with scooters,

we've redecorated the kitchen,

and I am a year younger.

I've had a lot of work done. Doors.

This show is perfect for people that enjoy laughing.

It's also good for people who don't like laughing.

So, really, we've got all the bases covered.

And I'll be watching all the action unfold in here, the control room.

And because I accidentally locked her in at the end of the last series,

here to watch with me is my good friend, Roisin Conaty.

Thank God you're back.

It's been ages, guarding the fort with no one in here.

All right. So, you're my deputy

here to help me spot laughs and ensure fair play.

I won't let you down.

O-Okay.

I'm glad you're taking it seriously.

Okay, over there is what they're playing for,

the Last One Laughing trophy.

I think you can agree, that would look great

in a cardboard box in anyone's garage.

Are you excited?

I'm so excited.

Right, come on, let's do this. It's time to meet our first player.

It's Romesh Ranganathan.

Yes! Absolutely brilliant.

Romesh, of course, used to be a schoolteacher, so he's no stranger

to looking at people and being met with blank,

indifferent faces.

I'm number one so…

I mean, I'm really tempted not to put anyone else in.

This looks nice.

My experience of people not laughing at me in the past

has been the first five years of my stand-up career, and it was horrific.

Now, the comedians don't know who they're up against,

and we've got some competition.

Next in, Diane Morgan.

Legend. Deadpan genius.

Star of Motherland, After Life,

and perhaps best known as the permanently baffled Philomena Cunk.

Oh!

- Hello, mate. - Hello.

- You all right? - Yeah. Good, thanks.

I think people falling over makes me laugh a lot.

Especially if they hurt themselves,

and especially if they're old.

Oh, look, we've got flying saucers. I love a flying saucer.

Yeah, is sugar a good idea in this?

Yeah, why not?

'Cause you're gonna get a bit hyper, and you might get giggly.

No, don't be daft.

Okay, next up, comedy genius David Mitchell.

Oh, my God.

I know David socially,

and genuinely I'm most excited about seeing him try and make small talk.

Oh!

- Hello. - Hello.

- It's quite frightening, isn't it? - Yeah.

Hello, nice to see you.

- How are you? - Thank you. I'm very well.

- Mmm. - Yeah, this is…

- This is interesting, isn't it? Yeah. - Yeah.

The lockers are through there.

- I forgot to pack anything. - Mmm.

It's good to have something in case you wanna carry something.

Yeah, exactly, in case I want to steal a moped.

My game plan would be to try not to smile or laugh.

I don't think I can break it down more than that.

Right, next in, it's Mel Giedroyc.

I've never seen her not smiling. She's wonderful.

- Fake. - Mel's rucksack is something.

I think she might be going interrailing.

Right.

Oh.

Oh, no.

- Ah. - Oh, no.

- This is very problematic. - Mmm.

I feel a combination of almost toxic levels of competitiveness

with zero amount of chance.

- What locker number's yours? - Why?

I'm making boring conversation. I think it'll help.

- What numbers… I'm four. - Three.

I'm four.

And the next person that comes in…

- Is gonna be five. - …will be five.

- Next up, Amy Gledhill. - Ah.

I saw her show at Soho Theatre. Phenomenal.

Great up-and-coming comedian.

- Oh. - Hello.

- Hello. - Hello.

- Hi. - Amy, hello. Hello!

- Shall we? Dare we? Hello. - Oh, hello.

- How are you doing? - It's so good to see you.

It's nice to see you.

Um, is the system not that you should've put yours in the locker

- before anyone came in? - Yes.

- I'll do it now. Is it here? - You can go together.

Shall we go together? Can I come?

Don't say anything too interesting while we're out of the room.

There's no danger of that.

Am I allowed to laugh in this bit?

Yes? Okay, great.

Join me. Let's get in.

Shall we get in? I'll take top bunk.

- You get into yours. - I'm in.

Amy and Mel, what are they up to?

- It really has a school trip vibe to it. - Yeah.

- Oh, so good. - It's nice, isn't it?

- Was it? - Yeah, it's lovely.

Okay, next in, my identical twin brother, it's Alan Carr.

I love Alan Carr, but he's going out in two seconds.

If Alan smiles, we are gonna know about it.

Holy shit.

Oh, my days.

Oh.

I cannot keep a straight face.

I can't stop giggling.

I'm gonna be out first.

This is madness. I don't know why I'm here.

Alan, I'm gonna tell you this, based on your entrance,

- I think you're gonna smash this, mate. - I know.

I don't know what to say.

This is the worst casting ever, isn't it?

What are we going to do?

Okay, next in we've got Gbemisola Ikumelo.

She's the writer and star of BBC One sitcom Black Ops

and a double BAFTA a winner.

She's a star.

Two BAFTAs obviously sounds impressive, but it's only two more than me.

Oh, my God. Hello.

Ah, Gbemi!

- Hey! - Hi, Gbemi.

Am I good with keeping a straight face?

I kind of oscillate between resting bitch face

and, like, laughing like a hyena.

So, it's anyone's guess.

- Next up, it's Sam Campbell. - Oh, God.

He would break me almost instantly.

Is it just through there?

Now, Sam is Australian, but he lives in the UK,

and he's hilarious, so we're claiming him.

I can't wait for this experi...

Ah.

- Who's next? Oh. - Hey.

- Hello, Sam. - Hello.

Sam, hello, mate.

- How have you been? - I've been very good. How have you been?

- Good to see you. - Really well.

You have a very impressive, um, resume.

When I go into the house, I have one objective,

and that is to find love.

I hope to receive the rose,

and I hope to be the recipient of true love's first kiss.

Two, four, six, eight. Two more to come.

You've got real competitive people in here who wanna win.

Okay, let's go. Next in, it's Maisie Adam.

Ah. Love Maisie.

Maisie's a huge football fan, so if you see me give her a red card,

- she's either laughed… - It's like the first day of school.

…or she's two-footed David Mitchell.

Hey, hey.

- Maisie. - Oh, my God.

Maisie.

Hello, mate. How are you?

Yeah. I'm all right. You?

- Hello. How are you, you okay? - I'm good, thank you.

I don't think she's Deadpan Dan, but I think she's a big laugher.

I'm so fucked.

This is gonna be a disaster.

And finally, and you are gonna love this, Roisin,

the defending champion is going back in. It's Bob Mortimer.

You brought Bob Mortimer back?

I apologise, but I'm back to defend my title,

and I intend to do it, uh, thoroughly.

They don't know Bob's going back in obviously,

so let's see their faces.

- Oh. - Oh, no, no.

What?

- Look at you all. - No, no!

Can I say hello? Hi, Diane.

- Look at Romesh, knowing what… - Oh.

When the others see that I've come back,

I hope they'll be, um, pleased, you know, that I haven't died in the meantime.

I'm still around.

Is this a trick? This is a trick, right?

- Not fair. Not fair. - No, here I am.

I can't believe Bob's back.

- Hello. - Hello. Hello, my darling.

- No, no. - Absolute disaster.

- Alan, hello… - Oh, my kryptonite.

- Surely. - No.

What a twist.

I mean, that was up there with Shawshank Redemption

and, you know, Planet of the Apes when it comes to twists.

- I haven't seen you for ages, though. - I know.

- It's good to see you. - How's it going, man?

I mean, I'd have loved to see you in different circumstances,

but it's bloody wicked to see you, man.

Well, this is gonna be fun. I mean, for us.

For them, it's gonna be an absolute nightmare.

Doors.

Oh, hello.

- Hello, sailor. - Here he is.

You've got a nerve.

Gather round, take a seat, everyone.

- Bob in again? - Yeah.

That's surely not allowed, Jimmy. Come on.

- That's not fair. - What do you mean, it's not allowed?

Please take a seat.

I thought there was still someone to come,

and then I realised I wasn't counting myself.

Okay, here are the rules.

Remember at school when you got told off for laughing?

- Yeah. - It's that.

I don't remember that.

For the next six hours, you have to try and make each other laugh,

whilst not laughing yourselves.

If you smile or laugh once, you get a yellow card, okay?

- Lovely. - Second laugh or smile, you're out,

and you have to come and watch with me and my deputy, Roisin Conaty

- in the control room. - Ooh.

No one wants that.

The game will start when you hear this noise.

Oh, Maisie, come on.

- Maisie. - Get it together, man.

I'll just go sit with you now, I think.

Jimmy, could I just ask? I know you don't want me to, but, like,

do you have to see teeth for it to be a smile?

- I think you do have to see tee… - You have to see teeth?

- I think a smirk… A little smirk... - That's okay?

But I don't smile with teeth, generally.

- You don't smile with teeth? - I go…

Is a smirk a sort of snide thing?

Why are you even asking? It's not even like you're competing in this.

You're gonna be the first out and you know that.

Fair do's. Yeah.

So, when you hear that noise, there's no laughing or smiling from that point on,

but when you hear this noise…

That's bad, isn't it?

That means we have spotted a laugh,

the game is paused.

You can laugh as much as you want after you hear that,

until the game starts again.

- Sorry, another question from Mel… - Oh, my God. Mel.

…who I can only presume doesn't get enough attention at home.

- Go on. - No, no. Genuinely,

the red light means red card.

Is there then a yellow light which means a yellow card?

- No. - No.

- Red light doesn't mean red card. - Jesus.

- It means the game's paused. - That's what he said.

Could be a yellow card.

- Red or yellow? - Some disciplinary action will ensue.

Some housekeeping. When the bell rings, please gather on these sofas.

If someone plays their joker, you have to watch them.

There might be a few surprises along the way.

I reserve the right to change the rules as and when I see fit

because that is the kind of guy I am.

Uh, Bob, as our reigning champion,

do you have any tips for your fellow players?

Yeah. Get a safety face.

- A safety face? - What's your safety face?

I'm gonna go with an underbite.

- Oh, you can't do that. - That's not fair.

- You have to have one, or you're gone. - Not that, though.

The last player remaining is the winner,

and they'll receive the coveted Last One Laughing trophy.

Does everyone understand the rules?

- Yes. - Yeah.

- Yes. - Okay. I'm gonna go

back in the control room and start the game.

- Good luck, everyone. - Cheers.

- Thanks so much. - Thanks, Jimmy.

- Right, laugh loads now. - Doors.

I might go out first.

I like laughing.

They are a lot.

Right. Time to start the game.

Last one laughing wins.

Oh.

- That's mental, that noise. - It is, innit?

- I immediately need to go to the toilet. - Mmm.

Really? Do you think that's a nerve-induced thing?

I think it must be, yeah.

Okay, Bob's up, off to make a cup of tea.

Where you going, Maisie?

Gonna go and have a bit of fruit. Maybe a little apple.

That's absolutely ridiculous, that face. Can't do it.

My game plan is, I'm just gonna avoid everyone.

I'm just gonna have to be rude and just say, "Enough."

I feel a bit, sort of, smiley in a hysterical way

- that's incredibly unhelpful. - Yes. Yeah.

- No joy to it. - Yes, I know what you mean.

Real joyless.

That's how I imagine David Mitchell is at all parties.

Just walking round like that.

Hands behind his back like a sea captain from a bygone age.

You've got to get used to the idea of not laughing.

Mmm. It's gonna take me about five and a half hours.

To acclimatise.

Excuse me.

Alan Carr.

Look at him, look at him!

I mean, he's gonna be here in seconds.

All my teeth back here are basically false.

- Really? - Mmm.

I had to get implants.

Why? What'd you do?

I was scared of the dentist.

I was, like, getting a, uh, like, uh, wisdom tooth extraction.

And so I was, like, lying back like that, and then, like, they put this thing in.

Then suddenly the dentist just went, "Oh, shit! Oh, shit!"

I thought, "Oh, God. He's seeing something in my mouth he's never seen before."

And he was, like, terrified. He was like, "Oh, my God. I can't deal with it."

Eventually I thought, "Let me just find out what's going on." I sat up.

Next to my head,

there was a pigeon.

Inside, it had flown in?

It had flown in through the roof tiles and landed on the instruments next to me.

And he was scared of birds. He said to me, "Can you deal with it?"

I said, "I think I've got enough going on here, mate, to be honest with you."

Get better at this, Gbemi.

Hello everyone. It's time for an icebreaker,

a chance for you all to get to know each other a little bit better.

I want you all to stand in a circle and hold hands.

Oh, no.

Oh, God.

Touching.

Now, you must each take it in turns to tell us a fact about yourself.

It can be absolutely anything.

Mel,

please start us off.

We're breaking the ice.

I was born with a second arsehole,

but my twin sister doesn't like me calling her that.

I'd say that fact was bordering on a joke.

It's an aggressive move.

It's a great joke.

I may have been stalking at least one of you for the last ten years.

Like what you've done with your loft, Diane. It's beautiful.

- So weird. What's going on here? - I'm just… I'm just nervous.

I'm putting a bit of movement into it.

Stop tickling me, Mel.

Stop tickling, Mel, please.

My name's Robert, and my go-to adhesive is PVA.

I had my first threesome this year.

- Oh, well done. - Thanks, Maisie.

- It was lovely. - Thank you.

It was really exciting. I was nervous about it.

I didn't enjoy it as much.

- No, you weren't into it as much. - No.

Alan was good.

Thank you for that, Alan.

So that's four people now.

- Yeah, you've named four. - Have I?

- Yeah. It was Alan... - You, Mel, Rom, and Al.

- There was someone on the bench. - They've self-named.

- You subbed in and out? - There was a sub.

Rom was filming it.

Got splinters from that bench though, but I was grateful to get in.

How many minutes did you get?

I took myself off after 90 seconds.

You what yourself off?

Oh. No, no, no, no, no.

Dangerous prepositions. Anything with off, on, in.

- Can we ban "off"? - No, no, no.

Let's ban "off" now.

Ooh. Look at Maisie.

Shall I tell my fact?

- Please. - Thank you.

I once pissed myself at the top of a slide,

and then had to go down what was my own pissy water slide.

- Did it make it better? - Faster.

- You know what, it did. It was streamline. - Mmm.

What about the next person, though?

That's what you've gotta think about. At least you're in your own piss.

Um, I often… When I put my contact lenses in,

I have more problem with the left one,

because, I don't know, things get behind the left one

more readily than the right.

Um, and every day I think I should try putting them in in the other order,

in case it's not an eye thing.

It's just, uh, the one going in first goes in better,

and every day I forget.

You should try ortho-k.

They're contact lenses that you put in at night,

and you wear them overnight, and you take them out in the morning.

Don't they dry your balls?

No, they don't. The opposite. They keep them juicy.

Will they bring my dreams back into focus?

Uh, since I set it up four years ago,

I haven't had a single subscriber for my OnlyFans account.

- What are you offering? - Just my feet.

- Just feet? - Yeah.

Wearing a Croc or a wedge.

- A wedge? - Mmm.

Is OnlyFans… What is it?

- It's a… People pay you. - £7.99. £7.99 a month.

- Oh, you've gone into saleman mode. - Yeah, yeah.

How much is your OnlyFans, Jimmy?

It's quite expensive. It's £20 a month.

I'll have to cancel it.

- Uh, my name's Sam. - Hi, Sam.

I'm just so grateful to be on this journey with you guys.

I'm not gonna take this experience for granted.

I used to work at the Apple store.

Uh…

They'd use my penis to get the SIM cards out of the phones.

Uh, remember where I put my cup of tea.

I don't think anyone would ever use those icebreakers in real life.

Yeah, I think I got to know too much about everyone.

It was quite repulsive.

How do you unwind?

Chanting and stuff like that.

- Do you? Are you spiritual? Oh, lovely. - Yeah. Really spiritual.

- Yeah, yeah. - With crystals even?

- Yeah, chakras… - Oh, nice.

- …and, like, doing the downward dog. - How's your kundalini?

Oh, it's wonderful. I like it al dente.

- It's pulsating right now? - Yeah.

- Sort of, in general? Yeah, so good. - Yeah, lovely. Little bit of a nice sauce.

Did you discover that later in life, or…

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's my, uh…

I just needed to chill and stuff, you know?

- And it's nice just breathing. - What was the time

- when you're like, "I need to sort…" - When I committed my first murder.

You murdered, yeah.

- Yeah. I've killed. - You've killed.

- And I will kill again. - Really?

- Okay. - Yeah, that's the trouble.

- You just get angry. - Yeah, it's very moreish, murder.

You see red. What's your method, if you don't mind me asking?

Um, anecdotes.

- Oh, really? - I… Yeah. I bore them to death.

Oh, do you? You talk about the Battle of Hastings?

Alan Carr had me jumpy, and I think also 'cause I maybe,

I don't wanna tell tales out of school, I think I had him a little bit jumpy.

Who would play you in a movie?

Uh… you heard of Christopher Biggins?

- Harold Bishop in Neighbours? - From Neighbours?

- Yeah. - Oh, nice. Yeah.

Yeah, you remind me a bit of the guy who lives underneath me.

Lives underneath you?

Yeah. I live on a houseboat.

Can I join you, Rom? May I?

Yes, you may.

You're not sure, are you?

Well, it's just 'cause you're a…

you're a dangerous bloke, do you know what I mean?

Outside of this, I love you.

- But in here… - But in here… Is it hate?

I can't stand you. I hate you.

But yeah, I'm happy to chat.

Do you know what Bob's like?

You never know when he's gonna slip into his act.

And he's not doing an act. I can't tell what is act and what is Bo…

Like, you'll just be talking to him, and then…

he'll suddenly go, "What do you think of mushrooms, Romesh?"

And you go, "Oh, shit. I'm in trouble here."

I once woke up, and, um, there was, uh, a shit on me windowsill. Proper.

- Like a human shit? - Yeah.

Well, I think it had come from me.

Okay.

Well, that was horrible, Bob. Thank you.

This is a very friendly group. Everyone's getting on.

I think we need a joker.

- Yeah. Yes. - They're all gonna perform on the stage.

And everyone else has to sit down and watch them.

Great.

Who do you wanna see first?

David Mitchell.

I'd be intrigued to know what he's gonna do. I'll give him a call.

- Do you wanna get it, Al? - Al, you get it.

- Hello? - Oh, hello, A-Alan,

could you ask, uh, David Mitchell to go and prepare his joker?

Go and whisper to him.

- Say it in a sexy way. - Okay. Right. Okay.

Bye.

You might be sending Alan out on that note.

- Oh, we'll see. - What's going on?

Come on, Alan, you're killing us. Spill the beans.

You need to prepare your joker.

Ooh.

Al, be honest with me, is that the first time you've whispered in your life?

Yep.

See, that's doubly difficult for David Mitchell there

because he's having to do this with an erection now.

Oh, hello.

Oh, there's a bell.

It's David's joker. We're all excited about this.

This is gonna be a shit show, isn't it?

I'm not looking forward to this.

I think this is gonna be very, very good.

- Okay. - Oh, no.

♪ All lined up in a wedding group 'Ere we are for a photograph ♪

♪ All dressed up in a morning suit All trying not to laugh ♪

♪ Since the early caveman in his fur ♪

♪ Took a trip to Gretna Green ♪

♪ There's always been a photographer ♪

♪ To record the happy scene ♪

♪ 'Old it, flash, bang, wallop What a picture ♪

♪ What a picture What a photograph ♪

♪ Poor old soul, blimey What a joke ♪

♪ Hat blown off in a cloud of smoke Clap 'ands, stamp yer feet ♪

♪ Bangin' on the big bass drum ♪

♪ What a picture What a picture ♪

♪ Rum-tiddly-um-pum-pum-pum-pum ♪

♪ Stick it in your fam'ly album ♪

♪ You've read it in a folio Or seen it in a Shakespeare play ♪

♪ How Juliet fell for Romeo In the merry month of May ♪

♪ And as 'e climbed the orchard wall To reach 'is lady fair ♪

♪ As he stumbled She began to bawl ♪

♪ As he travelled through the air ♪

♪ 'Old it, flash, bang, wallop What a picture ♪

♪ What a picture What a photograph ♪

♪ Poor young chap, what a night 'e spent Tights all torn and 'is rapier bent ♪

♪ Clap 'ands Stamp yer feet ♪

♪ Bangin' on the big bass drum ♪

♪ What a picture, what a picture Rum-tiddly-um-pum-pum-pum-pum ♪

♪ Stick it in your fam'ly album ♪

♪ 'Old it, flash, bang, wallop What a picture ♪

♪ What a picture What a photograph ♪

♪ Poor young chap, what a night 'e spent Tights all torn and 'is rapier bent ♪

♪ Clap 'ands Stamp yer feet ♪

♪ Bangin' on the big bass drum ♪

♪ What a picture, what a picture Rum-tiddly-um-pum-pum-pum-pum ♪

♪ Stick it in your fam'ly ♪

♪ Album ♪

♪ Stick it in your fam'ly Stick it in your fam'ly ♪

♪ Stick it in your fam'ly Stick it in your fam'ly ♪

♪ Stick it in your fam'ly Stick it in your fam'ly ♪

♪ Stick it in your fam'ly ♪

♪ Stick it in your fam'ly Stick it in your fam'ly ♪

♪ Stick it in your fam'ly Stick it in your fam'ly ♪

♪ Stick it in your fam'ly Stick it in your fam'ly ♪

♪ Stick it in your fam'ly Stick it in your fam'ly ♪

♪ Stick it in your fam'ly Stick it in your fam'ly ♪

♪ Stick it in your fam'ly Stick it in your fam'ly ♪

♪ Album! ♪

Whoo!

Wow.

- Ah. - Is there any takers?

Yeah.

That was exceptional, wasn't it? The energy.

I don't wanna stick anything in any of my family,

despite how many times David Mitchell was telling me to.

I didn't know he couldn't sing.

- Are you okay? - Are you okay?

Are you all right?

Is your jaw okay?

- What's happened? - What's happened to your jaw?

- Are you okay? - Mel.

It looks like she's dislocated her jaw.

Melvin. Melvis Presley, come on.

It looks like you've staple gunned your jowls to your collar.

I'd never seen David sing and dance like that before,

and I don't want to again.

David Mitchell, everybody!

No smiling.

David, that was so good.

Thank you. I was hoping that five or six of you would laugh.

It was really traditional.

Thank you. It was traditional.

It was a sterling effort.

Thank you for your appreciation.

You sound quite out of breath.

I am quite out of it. 'Cause I've…

- I just did that dance. - I saw that, yeah.

But that was a while ago.

I mean, it feels quite recently for me.

To me, it feels like just the last thing I did.

Do you do any exercise, David?

No. No.

That… That'll do me for a month.

How've you been?

Good.

So, how long have you lived on a houseboat?

- Two years. It's a lot of upkeep. - Mmm.

Sam's hunting Alan.

It's so worth it. Just that community, like, the river people and stuff.

Have you ever seen mole people?

- Mole people? - Do you remember Eat Out to Help Out

- during Covid? - Oh, yes, yes.

I went to a restaurant, and mole people had heard

about the deal of 50% off and were on the surface eating.

- They, like, surfaced. - Oh.

The girl, the daughter,

had these long fingernails, and they all had close-set eyes.

They were mole people. Like, they… You could tell they were not socialised.

- Oh, right, yeah. - They were eating pizza.

And they were moles?

No, just mole-like. As in, like,

obviously usually the dad's psycho, and he goes, "We're gonna live underground.

- It's not safe up here." - Yeah. Oh, okay.

- Mole people. Yes. - Mole people.

Right.

When was the last time you had something that was non-vegan?

Have you ever eaten anything by mistake?

Yeah. I had a beef lasagna.

That's quite a big mistake as a vegan.

Yeah. Midway through I sort of realised. I thought, "I'm really…"

Was you enjoying it?

Yeah. I thought, "This is the best vegan lasagna I've ever had."

- And the secret ingredient, beef. - Mmm. Beef, yeah.

Okay, everyone,

time to change things up.

Romesh, Maisie, you're gonna focus on a head-to-head challenge.

You must maintain eye contact at all times.

You need to take it in turns to tell each other about your biggest regrets.

Please take your seats on the stage.

Go, guys. Go, guys.

You've got this.

Game starts when the bell rings.

Romesh, Maisie, share your biggest regrets.

Okay, do you wanna go first?

Sure.

Hair?

Wow. Are you just coming straight out with that?

I don't regret this haircut.

What did you ask for, the shaggy Slim Shady?

I asked for a feminine Rod Stewart.

Did you? And the guy hated you?

- I think he nailed it, personally. - Yeah, he did nail something.

His ongoing vendetta against you and your social life.

Have you got a regret or not, mate?

Yeah, uh,

I regret losing my virginity to the swimming pool filter.

How did that come about, then?

I was on holiday in Portugal.

Who made the first move?

Well, I thought the filter was giving me the eye.

Which eye?

The swimming pool filter didn't have a lazy eye.

No. I've got a regret, genuinely.

- Go on. - I went to Glasto,

and I got put in a caravan rather than a-a tent,

and, um, I arrived and immediately used the loo in there,

and only then found out there's no running water.

So, I then had to go and decanter what I'd done in the loo

into like, a plastic cup.

I believe decanter is the noun.

Decant is the verb, isn't it?

"I then went to decant. I had to decant."

Was I meant to do this with David?

- A sound point he's making. - Thank you, David.

I decanted.

- Deca-De-canted. - There you go. Yeah.

- I de-canted. - Yeah.

Can I just say, it's not de-cant. It's decant.

- Okay. - Decant. I decant…

I decanted a deposit into the… out of the loo.

Is this a limerick now?

Uh, I'll tell you what I regret.

I regret changing my name for this job to Maisie Adam.

What was it before?

My birth name is Theresa Honeysuckle.

But I didn't think that would work.

Theresa Honeysuckle is a much better showbiz name than Maisie Adam.

Romesh is not my name, you know that?

- Innit Jonathan? - Yeah.

My mum and dad were worried about me fitting in,

so the name they wanted to give me was Romesh.

- Right. - But they thought,

"Let's give him Jonathan so that when he's at school and stuff,

the other kids don't know that he's Asian."

That is an amusing idea.

David.

First day, the whole thing fell around-around my head.

No further questions, thank you.

Oh, that was good. They survived.

The first head-to-head was tough. I don't do deadpan.

I'm giggly on stage. He is, professionally,

a miserable old twat.

Is the 'tache new?

- Yeah. - 'Cause it adds to the…

- Adds to the what? Sadness? - The sadness of your face.

Do you like it or not?

- It's-It's… It's giving Asian… No, it's... - That's enough. Gbemi, that's enough.

I had a crush on Magnum, P.I., that's all I'm saying.

Selleck?

- And you're giving Asian Magnum P.I. - Tom Selleck.

- Selleck's hot, man. - Just discussing my moustache.

Who's the fittest person with a moustache that you've ever seen?

Miles Teller, in Top Gun.

- Yes. - Let me think about it first.

What about the spiv from Dad's Army?

- That's a great shout. - Mmm.

The guy on the Pringles tube?

- Hitler? - Oh!

Mmm?

Mmm, dunno about fit.

It's a bit of a choice.

Gbemi has walked away.

What's your favourite bank that you don't have an account with?

Santander.

'Cause of the bikes?

- 'Cause of Ant and Dec. - Oh, I don't know that… Yeah.

Think Sam Campbell's looking for a father figure.

It's a shame that that 'tache has been taken out of the game, isn't it?

Yeah. 'Cause it would be everywhere now, wouldn't it?

Don't get me wrong, it's not the worst thing that happened.

- No. - But like…

Mmm.

He nearly made himself go.

Oh, he's nearly set himself off.

What were you gonna say, Rom?

Nothing. No, no, I'm good.

Oh, Alan's in trouble there.

Have you met them much?

I've lifted up Ant and Dec.

Really? When they were going through a tough… their fallowed years.

- No, physically lifted them. - Oh, okay.

Sam is trying to take him out.

I think Colonel Sanders, he's all right as well, isn't he?

But I don't normally go for an older man, you know.

Oh, this is fucking great. This is exciting.

I've lifted some of the smallest…

Do you know, uh, Ronnie Corbett?

- Yeah. - I've lifted Ronnie Corbett up.

It's a dead weight, 'cause your mind thinks, "Easy."

Can I lift you?

You can give it a go.

Whoo.

Jim.

Okay, that was definitely a laugh.

Oh, what does that mean? Someone laughed?

Who's that?

Well, we've had a laugh, and it's a surprise.

- Doors. - Oh, no.

- What's going on? - Oh, hello sailor.

- We've had our first laugh. - No way.

- What? - Bullshit.

Ribbit, ribbit.

How you doing, Bob? All right?

I've gotta give you a red card.

I slightly weed myself.

Nice and simple, would you consider yourself a pervert?

What the fuck are we watching?

Oh, we've all lost our minds.

Anyone want a song?

- No. - No.

No.

Oh, well done. Ah.

- Jimmy Carr's a prick. - I am, but that's nothing to do with this.

Put that in the trailer.

That was funny.

Sudden death. You laugh, you're out.

It went a bit Lord of the Flies.

It's just lard.