Original subtitles

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on TV.

But where are those good old Christian values on which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy.

Lucky there's a man who finds a new man who all the things we make us laugh and

cry. We are family guys.

You see this crap about Ron DeSantis? He's sending a bus full of migrants from

Florida up to Quahog. And I don't like it.

Immigrants are trying to take jobs away from hardworking Americans like me. You

faked COVID five times this month.

Huh. They're having a rally tomorrow to welcome them here. I'm going to go down

there and see what's really going on. Yeah, have fun with the other unemployed

bleeding hearts.

Peter, are you going to do the dishes you said you'd do?

Can't we get an immigrant for that already?

Where do you think you're going?

Boar's Head is unveiling a new cold cut, and me and the guys won tickets.

So far, they've only released a silhouette of the meat. I threw 100 on

Never know.

Peter, we have dinner with Crystal and Clay tonight.

We talked about this yesterday.

Lois, was yesterday a hard alcohol day?

Yes.

And do I typically remember things you say to me when I drink hard alcohol?

No. Then why... I forget. I had hard alcohol today.

How do we even know these people? No idea. I have rescheduled this so many

times, I can't remember who they are.

Lois? Hey, you guys.

Huh? You know, I just want to get this out of the way. I am completely blanking

on how we met.

Oh, thank God. Me too.

But it doesn't matter. We're here now.

You weren't the one who got in a fist fight in my yoga class, were you? No.

It wasn't me.

I'm sure whoever it was had a reason. Like maybe that bitch shouldn't have run

her bitch mouth. I don't know. I wasn't there.

Hey, Peter. I'm Clay.

Listen, I don't want to sound like a fanboy, but did I hear you work at

Pawtucket, Pat?

Yeah. Why?

That's maybe like the coolest job I've ever heard of anyone having.

It is?

Dude, yes.

You got to tell me what it's like to work there.

Lois, this guy is legit like a rock star to me.

See, Lois? I told you I ain't just some bum.

You don't like football by any chance, do you, Peter?

Lois, I'm going to be over here with Clay.

Well, look who came around.

Maybe we should all hang out more often.

I'm in. We're always in the market for some cool friends.

Oh, us too. Remember those weirdos we hung out with last week?

You know, honey, you could at least make a guess.

I don't make a guess until you give me credit card info.

Maybe let's not talk about the arrangement in front of friends, okay?

What do we want?

No abalone gays!

When do we want it? No abalone gays!

Hi there. This is gonna sound like I'm just here for the food, but the

post said there'd be food.

Oh, I'm sorry. We just ran out. That's fine. I'm Brian, dog guy.

Hello, Brian the dog guy.

I'm Carmen.

Nice to meet you.

You know, immigrants are kind of like dogs to me. Excuse me?

Oh, no, no, I wasn't... I mean, we're separated from our families, put in

All you can do is hope there's a group of nice people somewhere willing to

their home with you. I see what you mean.

So where are you from?

I'm from Cuba.

Oh, nice.

You guys got elephants and stuff, right? I think you're thinking of Africa.

No, I think, uh, pretty sure... Yeah, whatever.

Listen, I'm volunteering today, so I have to go help out.

Look, I don't normally do this, but...

Is there any chance we could go out sometime?

I'm so sorry. You seem great. But I just agreed to go out with that guy.

Actually,

never mind. I'm free. If you want, I'm going to the Havana Club tonight at 6.

You should come.

Okay, I'll be there.

Thanks.

Ah, America at work.

Immigrants, liberals, conservatives.

And the one guy with absolutely no idea what's going on here today. What's going

on here? Some kind of festival?

Cocky jogger.

I stay out of politics.

Hey, there you are. Oh, you made it.

Allowed to smoke in here, huh? Gosh, you really look incredible.

Oh, thank... Thank you.

I got here early so we could be in the horn section.

Sorry, you said in the horn section?

Is it too loud for you? I know dogs have very sensitive hearing.

No, no, this is great.

Do you like for horns to be louder?

No, no, no, that's okay. Do you like for horns to be louder?

They played this at my mother's funeral.

Man, you really missed out on the boar's head event, Peter. Joe even got some

chick's number.

Hospice nurse. I, uh, I got to have a talk with you guys at some point.

Well, why'd you bail, Peter?

Lois had a dinner scheduled with another couple.

That's so lame. I hate that stuff.

You know what? I just said that to sound cool. I enjoy meeting new people.

I usually hate it, too, but these guys were fun. Clay and Crystal something.

Oh, boy.

What? Crystal and Clay Duffy? Yeah, so what?

Peter, those guys, how do I say this, engage in interrelationship coitus on

rig? Huh? They're swingers, like the biggest in town. They try with everyone.

Big time. They tried that with me and Bon. I stayed out in the car.

Bon went in for a few hours to talk to him about it. That never happened again.

Except for a couple weeks later.

One other time, I guess.

Hey, how was the date? The date was awesome, but that Cuban place was so

and there was cigar smoke everywhere.

I feel like I'm getting a migraine or something. I just... Brian!

Brian! Oh, thank God. Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm good, man. Just give it a little space, okay?

What? What, you got diaper cream in your ears?

I said back up, baby.

Why are you talking like Scarface?

I don't know, man.

I just open my mouth and this is the voice that comes out, you know?

And when I open my mouth, blood comes out.

Okay, again, Chris, that's not funny. What Brian's doing is funny. When we

on an idea, you really need to move on.

I'm starting to get a little hungry.

Do you think you could get, like, an English muffin or something? I really

the nooks and crannies, man.

So what you think, Doc? How come I wake up sounding like this?

Well, it's unusual, but this is a very real thing. Google it. Called foreign

accent syndrome.

It's usually brought on by some kind of trauma to the brain.

I'm guessing that migraine scrambled you all up. So this is like an actual

disorder? Yeah, I saw it on 60 Minutes. They had on this English lady that woke

up sounding Chinese.

But everyone gets all pissed if I do it.

You know, I wonder if you sound that way because you were around all those Cuban

people at the club.

Oye, Stewie, Carmen says she's gonna come by the hospital.

She can't hear me sound like this.

She's gonna think I'm making fun of her.

All right, just relax.

Maybe we can... Brian, how are you doing? I came as soon as I heard.

Oh, sorry, he's not talking yet. Oh, my poor little guy.

You don't need to say a word. You just relax.

Doctor? What?

Do you think it's worth checking him for, like, a stroke or brain cancer?

Come on, man. It's 4 .45.

So you'll never guess what the guys had to say about Clay and Crystal.

Apparently, they're like major swingers.

What? No.

That's ridiculous.

Seriously, all three of them said they tried stuff with him. Well, now this is

weird. We're seeing them again tomorrow night.

I mean, do we cancel?

I don't think so. We had fun with them.

Who cares what they do in their private lives?

But what do we do if they try something with us?

Well, obviously, we say no.

Obviously, that's not us.

Oh, we'd never do anything like that.

We don't have to. What we have is great. The best.

I mean, would it be nice to be asked? Sure.

Sure, right. It'd be nice to know we're at least in the pool of consideration.

Be great to be in the pool.

I think I'm going to get a facial tomorrow.

I mean, not because of this, but because I need one.

Totally. And I got to buy deodorant. Not because it is, but because mine's all

the way down to the plastic.

Things like a cheese grater.

You got a lot of nice things in this room. Purple octopus.

I ain't never had no purple octopus.

Time machine.

Hey, what, you gonna impact the past or something, man?

Disrupt the space -time continuum.

All right, stop just riffing on things you see. Now, if you're going to

seeing Carmen, we've got to try and get your speaking voice back.

Try to repeat exactly what I say. It's really nice to see you again, Carmen.

It's nice to be here with you, baby. You're gonna get humped like you

believe tonight.

Okay, not quite there. So, Carmen, do you have any pets?

I see the mouse this one time.

Thing was crazy, bro. Running all around with that little tail moving side to

side. I thought that thing was gonna bite me, man.

Can you guys keep it down in here?

Oh, sorry. We were just trying to... Yeah, I don't need to know why. I just

you to shut up.

Hey, that's your flesh and blood, man.

You don't talk to him like that.

I'm sorry.

Next time I hear you talk that way, I'm going to kick you so hard, your big ass

is going to land in Saskatchewan.

Mom, Brian said I have a big ass and a scarfing voice.

Well, that was yet another fantastic evening with you two.

Totally. Always love a little time with the grips.

So, uh, what now?

Do we keep her going?

Yeah, what's the old game planarino?

Oh. You know, I think I'm done for the night.

Oh, come on. It's only 9 o 'clock.

I mean, I'm up for a little fun.

Oh.

Next time, I'm a little zonked, too.

Great to see you again, Peter.

Oh, no, I think we've leveled up to hugs. Get in here, you.

Okay.

We'll see you guys again soon.

Swing as my ass.

Maybe that's just not into us.

Uh, no. If anything, it's us that's not into them.

Yeah, they'd be lucky to get us. But we're not that type of people.

Ew, no.

Like, what even is that life?

Sad is what it is. Doing it in weird places. Just having sex with every

they meet.

Well, every couple except us.

Except us.

Why not us?

But where are you going?

They left their cornbread. Hopefully they didn't clear the table yet.

Hold that door, please.

All right, just try not to talk too much. You're going to get us beat up

that accent you're doing.

It's so weird, man.

In my mind, it sounds like I'm just talking regular.

And outside, I end up sounding like some kind of big banana head.

Hot chocolate for brain?

You say brain?

Do you know anyone named brain?

It's Brian!

As in Dennehy, Cranston, and Cox!

I'm sorry, sir.

That guy's got matcha powder in his ears or something.

A lot of stuff in people's ears today.

Oh, crap, man. It's Carmen.

I keep avoiding her calls.

I don't want her to think I'm mocking her, do you know?

Brian, you have to answer. She's going to think you're not into her anymore.

Hello? Brian's phone. This is Miss Pennyapple, Brian's assistant.

We dated for a little while, but we disclosed it to HR, so it was all above

board. Anyway,

I ended it after he got physical.

Oh, that sounds lovely.

He'll be there. Bye, dear.

Well? Her cousin's getting married Saturday, and she wants to bring you as

date. What?

Her whole family is going to think I'm making fun of their accents.

There's no way I can go. She said Jenna Ortega's going to be there.

Buenas noches!

We'll be back with more Brian S.

Muizcombago after this.

So what you think? How am I going to go to this wedding ceremony like this?

Yeah, we sure don't want a repeat of what you did to Cleveland yesterday.

I mean...

No more putting the paper in the little slot in my house, eh?

The sound wakes me up from my doggy nap!

Now, now, now, now, now, now!

I'm not even a courier for your postal route. That's Laverne.

Those people are absolute weirdos. They call themselves swingers?

Too... Whole dinners and not even an elbow brush on the boob. Not that we

even do anything anyway.

Of course not.

I mean, not that any of this matters because we're normal people.

That being said, it would be nice to be asked. It would be nice to be freaking

asked. Maybe they're waiting for a third night with us. What do you mean?

Well, in the dating world, three dates usually means sex is on the table.

Oh, I see. So this is all just part of the dance, huh? They're trying to see if

we are actually into them.

Which we're not. No.

Gotta be that. All right, I'm texting him.

Now? Won't that look desperate?

Desperate? They're the ones trying to swing with us, to which we'll probably

no. Moment it happens, without hesitation, we shut it down. Shut it

We're in. Dinner at their house tomorrow night.

Oh, at their house. Could they be any more obvious about it? Yeah, be a little

artful about it, guys.

So, first time I'm seeing that.

I can't say I like it.

I can't believe you got me in this mess, man. I got like butterflies in my

stomach. I can feel them all flapping around, you know. You have nothing to

worry about. I've developed an AI voice modulator to match your natural speaking

voice. Here, put this on.

You think this thing's gonna work, man?

I really don't want to upset Carmen. Oh, hey, wow, it's me again.

Testing one, two, three.

I will break your freaking head open, man.

Testing one, two, three.

Okay, great, it works. And I'll be in your ear the whole time in case anything

goes wrong, so don't worry.

It is nice to see you again, Carmen. I am enjoying your company tonight.

Olive Garden's summer nights are back.

Oh, wait! What the hell was that? Oh, yeah, the software has ads sometimes.

Ads? What do you mean, ads?

They want 13 bucks a month now for premium. Deal with it.

Brian, there you are.

I'd like you to meet my mother and father.

Just play it cool. You got this.

It's nice to meet you, Brian.

Hello, Mr.

and Mrs. Perez. What a beautiful night for a wedding.

Carmen tells me you are a writer? I enjoy putting pen to paper and allowing

heart to do the rest. If you or someone you love has been injured in a work

accident, it's time to call Feinstein and For Lizzie, PC.

Thank you, Brian. I will keep this Feinstein in mind.

Don't forget For Lizzie.

See? I told you it would work. Thanks. I appreciate it.

Postmates guy forgot the ketchup. Hey, buddy, I think you forgot the ketchup.

Oh, I'm sorry, man. I gotta go pick up my kid from camp.

Well, tell him he's gonna be there for a bit. It's a job, dude. I don't know

what to tell you.

Did you take a Harry Potter patch off that blazer before you put it on? Yeah.

Only thing is, they're not gonna know I'm a Ravenclaw.

That should be fine, right?

Hey, good to see you.

We felt bad about how things ended the other night, so thought we could have a

do -over. I'm a Ravenclaw, by the way.

You guys look nice.

You didn't have to get all dressed up.

This is a sweatsuit from Target.

A very sexy sweatsuit, I might add. Wow, great house.

Are these the original hardwoods? I'm a huge hardwood guy.

Know what I mean, Crystal?

Oh, this is a big, comfy couch.

What do you say we, I don't know, hang out, put on some Natalie Imbrogue,

Imbrogue, the chick who sings Torn?

Ah, yeah. Yeah, maybe.

Warm tonight, isn't it? Guys, what's going on here? You're acting really

Aren't you guys swingers? We like to have fun, yeah, but we don't do it with

everyone. Then what?

What's wrong with us?

Don't take it so personally. Every pair of swingers has one flaccid friendship.

Yeah, you know, just kind of a meat and potatoes couple you go bowling with once

in a while. We just like hanging out with you guys as friends.

I don't even know what you're talking about.

We don't want to be anything more than friends with you guys.

Maybe it's best we just call it a night. Please, I'll pay for it. How much to

make it happen right now? Touch it! Oh, would you stop it already? They probably

don't want us because you come off so desperate.

Me? You're practically draping yourself all over them. Because I'm the candy

here, Peter.

If there's any chance of this happening, it's because of me.

You're nothing. You hear me? Nothing!

Well, we didn't swing, but we did have violent sex in front of another couple.

There'll be a little asterisk in the record book, but it still kind of

The dog was barking at us the whole time.

Stewie, what are you doing here?

Oh, just wanted to check out the scene. Things seemed to be going so well, I

thought I'd ramp it up a notch.

What do you mean?

Everyone, Brian would like to say a few words to the bride and the groom.

I'm sorry, what?

Um, hello.

First of all, I'd like to thank you for having me here. Back -to -school season

is almost here at Macy's.

What I mean to say is, you can save 15 % on car insurance. At Home Depot,

there's no job too big.

Little problem, bride.

I left the van open and there are squirrels everywhere.

They're climbing all over the equipment and they got my nuggets.

And now they're gnawing on the wires.

Wait, Stewie.

Does that mean this thing don't work no more?

Okay, enough of this, man.

Yeah, I got a few things I'd like to say.

How's everybody doing tonight, eh?

This guy gonna hunt that chick real good tonight, man, I'll tell you that.

Funny thing about immigrants, man, you're all like a bunch of dogs to me.

Cheers to all the immigrant dogs here tonight.

Oh, I almost forgot.

Say hello to my little friend.

Hey, I'm Stewie. What do you think you are doing? Coming here and doing some

disgusting impersonation of my family.

Hey, man, you don't understand.

No, you don't understand.

What do you think, big man?

You think you got a bigger shirt collar than me? You think your car's interior

has a better animal print than mine? You think your crocodile boots have more

lines between the crocodile parts than mine?

You think you got more pineapples on your shirt than me? Let's count them.

have a little contest and see who the most pineappley guy is tonight.

Everyone, throw your dinner rolls at him.

You think you can take me?

You're gonna need an army to take me.

I'm still standing, huh?

I take your role!

One of you boys gonna teach me how to samba, or do I need to figure out a new

Saturday?

Well, it's a good thing that crack on the head brought your voice back to

normal. Yeah, but I'm bummed Carmen's never gonna speak to me again.

I really liked her. I saw you dance at the wedding. You weren't going to make

in a Latin family.

What's wrong with the way I dance?

You want to see a video of it?

Probably not, right?

I wouldn't.