Original subtitles

LOIS: Everybody up!

[screaming]

Let's go! Let's go!

I got to do laundry before work!

I am taking breakfast

off the table in five minutes!

[door opens, closes]

I know this kid...

hismom wakes him up with a kiss on the forehead.

♪ Yes, no, maybe

♪ I don't know

♪ Can you repeat the question?

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big

♪ Life is unfair.

Okay, I've been up for half an hour.

I've had my cereal.

It's time for Mom to ask the same annoying question

she asks me every morning.

So, Malcolm, what are you doing

in your genius class today?

Nothing. It's just as dumb and boring

as being in regular class, except now I get ostracized.

Ostracized? Oh, you're learning such big words.

HAL: Hey.

They want to know what I think

about caller I.D. blocking.

Do I think about that?

Oh!

What?

Nothing. Just a sharp Cheerio.

Oh!

Ha! $210!

Look at all the calls

that Francis is charging to us.

60 minutes. Oh!

Oh, 80 minutes-- and every one

of these calls is to Beebee.

$210 on Beebee!

I know. Now, honey,

just try to understand, all right?

He's-he's off in Alabama.

He's all by himself at military school.

He's lonely, so... so he calls his little girlfriend.

She's a tramp.No one's saying she's not a tramp.

I thought you changed our code number.

I have, three times.

I-I don't know how he's getting it.

65519.

That'll be good till the bill comes on the 15th.

Thanks, man. You are a good brother.

I was taking money out of her wallet anyway.

LOIS: He is doing this

just to upset me.

Oh, come on, Lois.

He's 16 and thinks he's in love.

What are you going to do?

Oh, man, never ask her that.

Beebee, you can't imagine how much I miss you.

It is like a white-hot fire burning in my chest.

The only thing that keeps me going

is just the thought of holding you

and stroking your hair

and being with you in a perfect, golden moment.

[TV playing]Oh, yeah.

I'm totally the same way.

Oh, I'm just so...

Are you watching Buffy?

I can do both.

You know, I think of things, too, like...

no, it's too embarrassing.

Tell me.

It's not the kind of thing

you can say over the phone.

It's something I'd have to show you.

Beebee, I think it would be better

if you told me and then you showed me.

Stanley, what are you doing?!

That was Beebee!

Sorry, man.

Commandant says your phone privileges

have been revoked for a month.

Your mom complained about the bills.

Okay, let me just tell her...

Francis, do you remember the thumb thing?

The one you did to my thumb

or the one you did with your thumb?

[phone rings]

Hello.Malcolm! Thank God.

Look, I don't have any more quarters, so just listen.

I need you to swipe Mom's credit card

and I need you to buy me a cell phone.

Now, what you want to get is

the unlimited off-peak plan, and then FedEx it to me.

Francis, no. I can't do that.

What?

Dude, don't bail on me.

I'm sorry, but Mom is totally on the warpath

about the phone calls.

Her radar is up. I can't do

anything.

Seriously, you just got to find a way to live

without calling Beebee all the time.

Hello?

[Francis screams]

Hello?

[dial tone humming]

He understands, right?

FRANCIS: Dearest Beebee, something wonderful has happened.

The pain and confusion of the last few months

has disappeared, replaced by a single

glorious purpose.

[screams] [laughs, whoops]

From the ashes of the old Francis rises a new man,

filled with boldness and determination.

I fly to you on angel's wings,

knowing I follow the mandate of my heart.

[shrill screaming]

[groans]

Every night for the past two weeks,

he thinks there's a monster under the bed.

It seemed so funny when we thought of it.

Oh, sweetie, not again.

The monster!

It tried to suck my brain out!

All right, I have had it.

You two are banned from Nintendo.

Okay.

We're already banned from Nintendo.

The sad thing is he thinks he just outsmarted her.

All right, fine.

Pillows.

What?

That's right. I'm taking your pillows.

Come on, come on, hand 'em over.

And I'm not getting up again.

If that monster wants to suck out your brain,

you just let him take it and you go back to sleep.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

[distorted]: I love you.

[toy's voice fading]

Hello?

Don't scream. It's me.

[grunts]

Francis!

Way to go, dipwad.

You got me in the nards.

Francis, what are you doing here?

I'm taking control of my own destiny.

I'm just here to pick up Beebee, and then we're

going to head off for Canada.

You're going to visit Grandma?

No, a different part of Canada.

Someplace wild where people don't have to destroy love

just 'cause they don't understand it.

You just ran away from school?

Mom's really going to kill you now.

No, she won't, because she won't know.

Malcolm, you can't tell anybody.

I'm placing my life in your hands here.

Did you roll around in something?

You'll get used to it.

Look, I need you to get Beebee

to come see me tonight, okay?

Give her this.

Let it air out for a while first.

Try to get me some food,

'cause I haven't eaten in, like, 36 hours.

Francis, this sounds kind of drastic, even for you.

Malcolm, I do not have time for doubt!

The die has been cast, my future is set.

Now, there's one question in my mind:

can I trust you?

But...

Can I trust you?

Yes.

Yeah, definitely.

I'll toss my lunch bag over the fence before school.

Oh!

[grunts]

Mmm!

Can I have some?

Can't.

It's a...

prescription... sandwich.

"Prescription sandwich"?

Stevie, that's not even a good lie.

If you don't want to share, just say so.

Don't want...

to share.

Let's play

Ironside.

I'll be... Ironside.

I don't want to play stupid Ironside.

What's your... problem?

It's my brother Francis.

He escaped from military school

and hitchhiked all the way here.

And he's all scraped up and smelly and hungry and dirty,

and now he's hiding out at the creek.

If my parents catch him, he's dead.

He's talking like he's crazy.

I don't know what to do.

Squeal.

What?

Squeal.

Rat him out.

I can't do that.

He's my brother.

I promised him.

I can't tell anybody.

You told... me.

Yeah, but by the time you tell anyone,

he'll be a thousand miles from here.

Tou... ché.

Beebee?

What?

Oh, you're, uh, that kid.

My name's Malcolm.

I'm Francis's brother.

You met me, like, ten times.

Yeah, you're the freaky little brain, right?

Just be cool.

What do you want?

Here.

Francis is back home.

Well, he's not home. He's hiding.

Huh. Three pages?

Both sides.

He loves to make me read.

What's that word?

"Consummate."

It means he likes you.

Oh.

"Assignation, rendezvous, tryst"?

How the hell is anyone supposed to know what he's talking about?

Beebee, just meet him at the creek at 7:30, okay?

See? You can say it in English, and you're, like, ten.

What are you doing?!

I'm wearing a tank top.

Beebee, I don't...

Don't think.

Just walk. Go.

The worst part is, I think I'm stealing panty liners.

Gosh, I had such a good day at work today.

I got to work the cash-only line

for the first time in a month,

and my register came out to the penny.

Plus, that creepy new assistant manager

sliced his hand open with a box cutter.

Spent the whole afternoon in the emergency room.

Here's to him.

Honey, this chicken is absolutely delicious.

Oh, well, it's a little recipe I came up with.

It's Shake n' Bake-- but for pork.

How about that?

That's one for the recipe box.

Let's call it, uh, "chork."

All in favor?

No one for "picken"?

Chork it is.

Brava.

Oh, cut it out.

You big talker.

DEWEY: Will this make me

taste better to the monsters?

Sure it will, son.

Get out of here!You're not eating it.

You haven't had a bite in two minutes, I counted.

I'm saving it.

There is no saving.

Malcolm, he's right.

The rule is: no saving.

Oh, yeah, I care. Cut it out!

[phone ringing]Come on, it's mine.

Get out of here!No!

Give it back!Boys, boys, stop it.

You're going get your mother out of...

uh, you're going to ruin her nice day.

Francis did what?!

Another night in the chat room.

That kid! That kid!

He thinks he can just run away from school

like some-some kind of escaped convict?

Well, if he thinks he can just vanish

in the night and I won't find him,

well, he is sadly mistaken.

Lois, you just calm down.

There's nothing we can do right now.

Yes, there is. I can call the police.

No, they're not going to look for anybody

unless they've been missing for 48 hours.

Not if I say he has drugs on him.

Lois, stop it.

Now, you're just going to have to accept the fact

that for now, this is beyond your control.

Francis is going to have to sink or swim on his own,

and frankly, I don't think that's such a bad thing.

And in the meantime, we just have to leave it up to fate.

Oh. "Fate."

"Fate" is just what you call it when you don't know the name

of the person screwing you over!

Mom, I'm sure he's okay.

Uh-oh, tactical error.

Why do you think he's okay, son?

Because... he's always okay.

Malcolm,

this is a very serious situation here,

and, well, I know you love Francis as much as we do,

so if you have

any idea...

Oh, for God's sake! Where is he?!

He came here to see Beebee! He's meeting her tonight!

Oh, my God, how'd she do that?

I knew it.

When did you talk to him?

Don't look at her eyes, don't look at her...

This morning!

And Dewey shoved a sandwich in the VCR!

Malcolm, where is he?

[quietly]: Got to think.

Diversion. Delancey.

Delancey Park!

He's meeting her at Delancey Park

by the soccer field.

Well...

we'll just see what fate has in store for Francis.

Francis, I have to tell you...

Is Beebee coming? Yeah.

But I have to tell you something first.

I ratted you out to Mom.What?!

I didn't mean to.

Mom did... her eyes.

And her voice, it was...

I didn't mean to!

Malcolm, how could you do that? I trusted you.

I know.

I'm sorry.

Look, I sent her to the park.

You've got an hour to get out of here

and have a head start before she...

Are you crazy? I can't go anywhere.

Beebee's coming. Beebee.

Francis, what's wrong with you?

Why are you getting in so much trouble for her?

You don't understand.

Duh! No one understands.

She's not nice, she's not smart,

she's a thief, she's not even that good-looking.

And, oh, guess what else.

She treats you like crap!

I know.

You do?

Of course I do.

There's something you don't know about Beebee.

What?

That no one in her whole life

has ever loved her the way that I do.

All she has to do is see that and everything will change.

I really thought he had something better.

Look, Malcolm, you'll understand when you're older.

Now, just go.

What were you doing?

Nothing. Mind your own business.

Who were you talking to?

I wasn't talking to anybody. You're imagining it.

I heard you talking.

Okay, I'll tell you.

But you have to keep it a secret.

You know the monster under your bed?

It's called a Sasquatch.

He hunts back there during the day.

I was throwing him some raw meat

so he wouldn't come get us tonight.

I don't think I gave him enough.

So, if I were you, I'd keep very quiet

and stay the hell out of there.

Get it?

Move!

BEEBEE: Francis?

Beebee?

Francis?

Oh. Don't move.

I want to remember this forever.

Where are you?

No! Don't look at me!

I wanted so much to be perfect for you,

but I couldn't find any soap.

I'm hideous.

Really? Yes.

But it's okay.

Everything is okay now that we're together.

I can't tell you how beautiful you look at this moment.

You look like an angel or a perfect dawn

or a galaxy of stars.

I don't think we should see each other anymore.

And... my heart soars when I think of...

Did you hear what I said?

I... um...

What?

Look...

you're a nice guy,

and all those letters you sent-- the stuff I understood, anyway--

was sweet, but I don't know.

Feels different now.

It's hard to explain.

Would you try?

Well, maybe I just like the long-distance thing

'cause, you know, you'd call and you'd talk

and you'd make me feel so good about myself

and I didn't have to do anything.

Yeah, that's it.

Beebee, please.

I just think it's better we end it now

before anybody gets hurt.

I'm sorry, Francis.

Ow.

Ow!

Ow!

Ow!

[yelling]

[yelling continues]

Get out of here!

You stupid, dumb monster!

[sobbing]This is my house!

Ow. Go away!

Ow!

You leave me alone!

Ow! Ow!

You! You, there!

What do you think you're doing?

Excuse me?

Do you know how dumb and careless you're being?

Well, I brought...

Oh, for God's sake, I'm not talking about that.

But shame on you.

Don't you know how this is all going to end?

Do we know you?

No, but I know you.

You're young and pretty

and you love to get 16-year-old boys so twisted up

they don't know what they're doing.

And you think it's all in fun. You'll move on.

You don't care how bad you hurt him.

Let me tell you something, young lady.

Hearts are precious things.

You should be careful with them.

You!

You there!

What do you think you're doing?!

And then the monster started growling at me,

so I threw rocks at him and I killed him.

And then he started flying around on rocket boots,

and I got to ride inside his head,

and now the monster's my friend, and we went...

and we went to get Slurpees.

You did not! You're just lying!

Reese, if that's what Dewey says happened,

there's no reason to argue about it.

No one believes I beat the last level of Mortal Kombat.

Because that's just ridiculous.

No one beats Sub-Zero.

Leave it off.

So, Beebee broke up with me.

Oh.

You okay?

I think I'm fine.

There's a strange sense of peace that comes over you

when you give up that last shred of dignity.

It's nice.

I'm really sorry.

Well, if you're going to love women,

you have to expect the occasional flaming wipeout.

It's in the fine print,

but you agree to it when you sign up.

So what are you going to do?

I'm going to go back to school.

I only missed a day, so it shouldn't be too bad.

There's a pack of farm girls

that hang around outside the fence.

Probably check that out.

Later days.

Wait.

I'm sorry I ratted you out.

I just got scared.

Dude, it's ancient history.

Don't worry about it.

Well, can't you at least hit me or something,

just so I feel like we're even?

You want me to hit you?

I don't know. Yeah.

Okay.

Thanks.

Psych.

Ow!

Now we're even.

Ow!

♪ Don't cry

♪ Dry those tears falling out of your eyes ♪

♪ Don't cry...

How'd you find me?

Malcolm told me.

You know, you should probably rethink the whole

"trusting him with secrets" thing.

How mad is Mom?

Well, let's just try to get a couple states behind us

before we ask her.

So, how'd it go with Beebee?

We broke up.

Does it hurt?

Oh, yeah.

Well, son...

you know, I wish I could say it gets easier,

but... I honestly don't know.

I've never been dumped.

Hmm.

♪ Don't cry.