Original subtitles

Charlie Bradbury.

- Unh. - Jeez!

I erase the drive first, then I go back to my old life?

You don't have an old life anymore.

Never contact me again. Like, ever.

If you stay, I would be with you.

But if you leave, don't come back.

Whatever you decide...

...decide.

Listen, Benny...

...everything you've done for me, I will never forget.

But, uh...

End of the line?

Adiós.

How dare you?

Lance.

Yeah, that's right, I'm talking to Lance, not...

Oh, no, we both cut corners to get close to her.

But that wasn't cheating.

Dude.

It's just a game.

It's just a game.

Help!

Help me!

They say that the father's insane

And dear Mrs. Perkin's a game

We're talkin' 'bout...

You okay, man?

We have the most powerful weapon we've had against demons...

...and we can't find a way to use it.

Yeah, well, Kevin's on it, and when he finds something, he'll call.

So we wait.

Look, we have both had a rough go over these past couple of weeks...

...and I know what you gave up wasn't easy.

Maybe we ought to take the night off.

Go see a flick. Hit a bar. Or two.

Have some fun.

You remember fun, don't you, Sammy?

Kevin, what do you got?

Garth, hey.

Really? Okay. Yeah.

Thanks, man. Oh, hey. Hey, Garth. Garth, you there?

How did you know where we are?

Look, it's bad enough that you're tracking us...

...but it's even worse when you say we've been Garthed.

Ahem. Yeah.

Okay. We gotta lose the GPS on our phones...

...because Garth has been tracking us and other hunters, apparently...

...to assign cases.

I mean, that's smart.

A total Bobby move.

What's the deal?

Uh, well, it's close. Farmington Hills, Michigan.

Dude got ripped limb from limb inside his locked apartment.

That's not good.

Working a case.

As long as we're waiting on Kevin, that'll be our fun.

Sheriff, Special Agent Taggart. This is my partner, Special Agent Rosewood.

FBI? You guys are quick. Haven't even got the body out yet.

Well, the FBI is all work, no play.

Give me the tour while my partner looks around.

I work better on my own.

Your world, agent. Follow me.

Vic's name was Ed Nelson, 31 years old.

An insurance claim adjuster.

He lived alone, which is a real shocker considering his place is full of toys.

- So, what happened? - No sign of forced entry.

Near as we can tell, he was tied up and pulled apart.

Died of the shock or massive blood loss. Dealer's choice on that one.

- So, what about these chains? - That's actually chain mail.

- Seriously'? - Heh.

We did find clear rope-burn marks on his wrists and ankles.

Huh.

So anything missing from the body?

You mean aside from the arms and legs?

Uh... Nope. All there. Twig and berries too.

What about the neighbors? They hear anything weird?

Ah, neighbor downstairs got woke up in the middle of the night...

...by the sound of horses stomping their feet and galloping.

We didn't find any hoof prints.

She probably heard a TV...

...or was having a bad dream, or she was high as balls.

Fortunately, we got a real lead off his cell phone.

According to the phone records...

...Ed's last call was from a guy called Lance Jacobsen.

An accountant. Also 30s, also lives alone.

How's he a lead?

The two of them talked together for 15 minutes...

...and then Lance sent Ed here all kinds of angry texts.

Some of them were your typical threat stuff, but some were a little weird.

Weird how?

Like, uh, "You shall bleed for your crimes against us."

Followed by the emoticon of a skull.

And this beauty: "I am a mage. I will destroy you."

These kids today with their texting and murder. Tsk.

My men just brought Lance into the station for questioning.

We need to take first crack at the suspect.

Like I said, agent, it's your world.

Lance Jacobsen?

We're with the FBI.

The FBI?

I can't believe this is happening.

I can't believe Ed's dead.

Lance. Lance. Just breathe.

Just breathe. You're fine.

We just need to ask you a few questions. Try to calm down.

We wanna know about the texts...

- ...you sent Ed last night. - I told them.

- Those texts weren't from me. - Your phone and Ed's say otherwise.

No, I mean, they were from me, but they weren't from "me" me.

Did you really think that sentence was gonna clear things up?

I'm sorry. This is all a big misunderstanding.

Those text messages were from Greyfox the Mystic...

...to Thargrim the Difficult.

Our characters in Moondoor.

Moondoor is a game that Ed and I play. We're LARPers.

Live-action role playing.

Right. LARPing. Good times.

We play Moondoor at Heritage Park. All the info about it is on our website.

- You have a website? - One of the players designed it.

In fact, they should have posted pictures from last night's feast.

I was there all night.

What does any of this have to do with the texts?

I play a character named Greyfox the Mystic.

I'm a very, very powerful mage in the game.

Okay. Uh, very powerful. Go on.

Ed is...

Ed was Thargrim the Difficult of the Elder Forest...

...son of Hargrim and Bouphin, brother to...

He was Lancelot to my Merlin.

Ah.

If you were so tight, then why the threatening messages?

We were named to the Queen's Honor Guard...

...in anticipation of the coming Battle of Kingdoms this weekend.

I thought he broke protocol. I called Ed after game hours...

...and accused him of cheating.

- And then I challenged him to a duel. - A duel?

Wands and swords at dawn.

Ahem. Now, when you say wands, do you mean magic wands?

No, unmagic wands, agent.

Because what I really want in a duel is an unmagic wand.

Yes, fake wands. It's a game.

I can't believe it.

Oh, ye gods.

Thargrim the Difficult has fallen.

Look, Lance, it's...

Hang in there, champ.

So? You believe Dungeons & Dragons?

He didn't put a whammy on us. Those weren't crocodile tears, man.

- That's not our guy. - What are we looking at?

You saw the chain mail.

This could be Fifty Shades of Greyfox for all we know.

All right, let's check out the Moondoor site, see if Lance's story checks out.

"Welcome to Moondoor, Michigan's largest LARPing game."

- And I thought we needed to get out more. - Heh.

Hmm.

There's our guy.

Huh.

Actually looks kind of awesome.

All right. There's a video.

Moondoor, a world of intrigue, honor and passion.

Four kingdoms:

the Followers of the Moon...

...Elves...

Warriors of Yesteryear...

...and the dreaded Shadow Orcs.

All will fight on the Fields of Never in the biannual Battle of Kingdoms.

Pick up a sword or a mace and take control of Moondoor...

- ...or defend the current ruler... - Wait, is that...?

...The Queen of Moons.

The hell?

You're gonna wanna see this.

God forbid he was contagious.

I'm gonna go dip myself in hand sanitizer.

No EMF, no hex bags, no sulfur. I got nada. You?

Watch the video again.

There. See that?

Same as Ed's. I don't know.

Maybe they had matching tattoos. I mean, they were brothers-in-arms.

- You recognize it from anything? - A Tim Burton movie?

Aside from the mark of the creepy here...

...the only thing these guys have in common is LARPing.

Lucky for us, we know the queen.

I, Boltar the Furious, bind you to this stock...

...so that all of Moondoor may see you for what you are, a thief.

My Shadow Orc brethren will descend from the Black Hills and the tents of...

Uh, hold.

- Thanks, Gerry. Sorry. - Yeah, no problem, Monty.

Resume.

And the tents will be bathed in blood as we unseat the Queen of the Moons...

...from the throne she stole from the rightful heir, the Shadow King, and you...

Silentium. Serve your time with honor, heathen.

And if you need to use the chamber pot, stomp your feet thrice.

Excuse me. Hi. You are a LARPer, yeah?

I prefer the term "interactive literaturist."

Right. I'm Special Agent Rosewood. This is Special Agent Taggart.

- We just want... - Hold.

We're not doing the genre mash-up thing.

We only do that every third month.

- The... - Come again?

Your fake badges, the cheap suits. It's very cool. I get it.

Your characters are FBI agents that traveled to Moondoor.

But it's straight-up Moondoor this weekend.

These aren't fake badges.

Uh, yeah, they are, and they're very good...

...but, well, the ID numbers shifted to 10 digits...

...with two letters at the end of the year.

And that seal is from last month. Really good work.

It's just it's a tournament weekend, okay, guys?

So you gotta follow the rules. If there's no rules, chaos.

Ahem. Resume. If you would like to join the army of Moons...

...the queen is on the lookout for squires.

Yes. Right. We would like to see your queen. Now, please.

The queen's calendar is booked up in advance.

But if you wish to witness what's in store for you in her army...

...Her Highness is overseeing new squires on the pitch as we speak.

Yield! I yield!

- I love you. - I know.

Take your leave to my medical tent and attend to your severed limbs.

Greyfox and Thargrim are missing.

We pray to the goddess they have not fallen victim of foul play.

In their absence, the Honor Guard's ranks are weakened.

To join...

Oh, blerg.

Uh...

The queen needs some royal we time.

Talk amongst thyselves.

Ahem. Nice balance.

- Dude. - Yeah.

Charlie?

Charlie Bradbury is dead.

She died a year ago. You killed her.

My name is Carrie Heinlein.

Oh, and guess what.

Now you killed her too.

- Okay. Listen... - No, I buried myself.

Dick Roman went down, his company belly up...

...and I figured, hey, it's all good.

And I was fine. I got my life back.

Now you're here. And if you guys are here, monsters are here.

Why do I have such bad luck?

What am I? Some kind of monster magnet?

Is there such a thing as a monster magnet?

You know what? Don't answer that. I don't care.

What I care about is not getting my other arm broken. Or dying.

So I'm dropping my sword and walking off the stage, bitches.

Have fun storming the castle.

Charlie. Charlie.

Greyfox and Thargrim? Ed and Lance.

They're not missing.

They're dead.

Drawn and quartered and bleeding out?

Please stop talking again.

So, what do you think did this?

Well, aside from the mark and them both being LARPers...

...there's not much else to go on.

Wait, I've seen this before. It's a Celtic magic symbol.

At least it was in my favorite video game. Does that help? Can I go now?

It's a start. But no. Um...

Listen, what can you tell us about Ed and Lance?

Good guys. Two of the best members of the queen's ever-shrinking army.

Ever-shrinking?

My kingdom has had a lot of bad luck lately.

Probably because of me, but maybe it's tied to this.

A month ago, one of my guys had both her ankles broken before a battle.

Before that, I had three people have hospital-worthy accidents at home.

You think there's any connection there?

They have any enemies in common?

In real life? No. Everyone gets along famously.

In the game, though? They had tons of enemies.

Red reps the Followers of the Moon, my peeps.

Green's for Elves. Blue's for Warriors of Yesteryear.

And black's for Shadow Orcs. Total D-bags.

This weekend is the Battle of Kingdoms, to see who wears the Forever Crown.

This weekend, each faction is definitely an enemy of me and mine.

You know, if you move your archers back...

- ...and broad swordsmen to the west... - Oh. Flank the warriors.

- Yep. Thanks. - Good call.

- The southern wall? - Guys.

Yeah. Right. Sorry.

So maybe someone from one of the other kingdoms...

...got ahold of real magic and started using it.

But why not just come after me? And why the escalation?

All right. We will canvass the kingdoms.

- Get out of here. We don't want you hurt. - Wait.

Charlie knows Moondoor better. We need her.

Sam, we can take care of accountants with foam swords.

We need help, Dean. People are dying.

My point is, she should get somewhere safe and get back to a normal life.

- Hey. I am right here and I want to leave. - Thank you.

But the queen?

She has to stay.

Sam is right. People are dying. That can't happen on my watch.

And you know what? I am tired of running.

I like my life here.

I'm gonna stay and fight for it.

Yeah?

Okay.

Thanks.

So the toxicology report came back on Lance. Nothing.

But the medical examiner said his body showed clear signs...

...that he was killed by belladonna.

The porn star?

The poison.

Oh.

Um, however, they couldn't find a trace of it in his system.

Just like they couldn't find ropes in Ed's apartment.

Charlie, I'm gonna need to borrow your laptop.

There are no laptops in Moondoor.

What? There are rules. But there is a tech tent four tents down.

Okay. How about you guys go canvass...

...and I'll dig into these accidents and this mark?

Okay, I'm gonna need the full wiki on where you guys have been.

But first, you're gonna have to ditch the suit...

...if you're gonna walk and talk with the queen.

Excuse me, do you know if there's a directory of online players?

Yeah, it's on the website. All you need is an account to access it.

- Uh, thanks. Uh...? - Maria.

I mean, Gholandria the Wicked.

You sent Sam a phantom text from his ex?

- Dick move, sir. - Yeah. Not my finest hour.

So he found some normalcy with this chick...

...and now it's gone. Again. Thanks to you.

Yeah, well, now he's more committed than ever, so there's that.

But, trust me, this life, you can't afford attachments.

You just gotta let go.

Are we still talking about Sam, or did you break up with someone too?

- Me? - Yeah.

No.

Your Majesty.

You always been into LARPing?

No. For role-play, I prefer a tabletop.

D&D, Gamma World, Car Wars.

That's why Cthulhu invented multisided dice, right?

But a buddy of mine was into LARPing.

Went for him, stayed for the chicks.

It's not just that, though.

It's an escape.

I mean, here I'm queen, a hero.

In the real world, I'm hacking out code and chugging coffee all day.

- Now, wait a second. - Your Majesty.

If it wasn't for you, we would've never been able to take down Dick. Out there...

...you are a hero.

Noticing a lot of these maidens checking you out.

What? I can't shut this down.

It's good to be queen.

It's all just pad of the game.

Genre mash-up. Cool.

Hey, I know her. That's Phyllis.

Heard she broke her ankles or something.

- Wow, looks like she got... - Hobbled.

Oh, and that's Jamie.

He said someone broke into his house, beat him with his mace...

No signs of a forced entry.

Do you recognize this from Moondoor? I think it's Celtic.

- No. Sorry. But I'll look it up. - Thanks.

I haven't seen anything like it in my travels, Your Highness.

All right. Well, if you think of anything...

...come see me in my tent.

Anytime.

Scratch the Elves off the list.

Mace attacks. Hobbling. Medieval poisoning.

Somebody's targeting the queen's people.

No. Not only them.

See, those four are with the queen.

But these two? They're Elves.

And these two are Warriors. Only group not to get hit...

The Shadow Orcs. Last group on the list. Impossible to find.

Wait, I know one. I met him on the way in.

Perfect. Maybe he can tell us what the frak this thing is.

It's, uh, the Tree of Pain. Uh...

If you are tagged with this mark, you will be a victim of fairy magic.

Wait. Fairy magic can be bad?

Death to the queen!

Death to the usurper!

Death to her manservant!

What?

Well, there's no laptops in Moondoor. There's no Geneva convention either.

Hey.

Have you seen this?

Yeah, of course.

No. No, I haven't seen it.

It's the Shadow King's family crest. You'll never find him in the Black Hills.

The Black Hills?

The forest behind the playground. Come on.

All right. Thank you very much, Gholandria.

Anytime.

I've never done genre mash-up play before. That was fun.

First time for everything, right?

First time for a lot of things if you wanna come find my tent later.

Uh...

Another time.

Your loss.

My queen. There you are. I've been searching everywhere for you.

Has this oaf attempted to harm you with his blasphemous metalworks?

Boltar, he's with me. This is my new...

...handmaiden.

We seek an audience with the Shadow King.

Oh. These hills are not safe. I beseech you, my queen, you should return to camp.

He's right, Your Worshipfulness.

Uh, may I have a moment before you take your leavings?

Mm.

- Handmaiden? - He was suspicious. I panicked.

All right. Look, you take my phone, find Sam.

We'll find the Shadow Dorks.

- But I can help. - You are helping, by finding Sam. Go.

Lead the way to the Orcs, Bolty.

Speak when spoken to, handmaiden.

- Unh! - Dark magic.

Aah! My eyes! The stinging of your attack burns my very soul.

Dark magic?

Well, that was a bust. You sure the Shadow Orcs are even out there?

Hey, for a handmaiden, you certainly ask many questions.

Yes, I am positive. They're just very good at hiding themselves.

But a plan has sprung to mind that will draw the Shadow King to us.

We shall take the Shadow Orc, offer him as a prisoner exchange.

Draw them out and beat them down.

- I like your style. - I shall retrieve the prisoner.

You tend to the queen's laundry and chamber pots, then meet me back here.

Nice outfit. Ahem.

You love it.

Right. Well, while you were playing dress-up, I found out that the mark...

Belongs to the Shadow Orcs.

Yeah. And they're using fairy magic.

"The Tree of Pain." Awesome.

- Whoever gets marked gets ganked. - All right. How do we stop it?

Find whoever cast the spell. Take them out. No more whammy, no marks.

- No marks, no dead bodies. - Okay. Perfect.

Our pal Boltar the Chatty is getting the Shadow Orc prisoner.

Gonna do a prisoner exchange, try to draw the king out of hiding.

It was my idea.

- Where's Charlie? - She was with you.

No, I sent her to you.

Charlie.

Your Highness?

Charlie.

You know what? She's got my phone. Try it.

Uh...

Hi.

I'm the, uh, Queen of Moons.

Nice to meet you.

Great costume, BT-dubs.

Right. Well, this has been a really great kidnapping...

...but I gotta get back to not dying. So good talk.

Wow. Real magic. That is really cool, if not mostly terrifying.

Um...

Right. Okay.

We can work this out, can't we? Get you some gold? My crown?

Ritualistic sacrifice?

Look, I am not really a queen.

I'm just an IT girl.

Standing in front of a monster.

Asking it not to kill her.

Great. The worst period of my life comes to an end.

I saw my boss get eaten by a Leviathan, broke my arm, lived life on the run, got it all back.

Now a dude in a stag-skull mask is gonna kill me.

I just want my old life back.

That is all I want as well.

If anything's happened to her...

Dude, we checked all the tents. We'll talk to these guys. We'll find her.

Greetings, heretics.

You should kneel before me, cur.

- All right. Why don't you...? - Silence!

Now, before we exchange...

...a few announcements.

There is a peewee soccer playoff game tomorrow on the alpha field.

Don't wanna freak the mundanes. We gotta move.

That's it. Gonna do this the old-fashioned way.

- Dean. Don't. Come on. - No.

- I told you there... - Shut up.

All right. I need real answers. This here is a real gun. See?

- Whoa! Whoa! Hold! Hold! Jeez! - Start talking.

- Where's the queen? - I don't know.

Yeah, well, your little family crest there tells a different story, pal.

- This? - Yeah.

Uh...

I got sick last month after this thing just appeared on my arm.

It looked cool, so I turned it into my family crest.

I mean, after my dermatologist said it wasn't malignant.

Dean, he's not our guy. He's just another vic.

My name is Max Hilby. I'm an attorney. I have no idea where the queen is...

...but if you let me go right now, I won't press charges.

I promise.

Um...

Here, take them. Please.

Go. Go. Go.

What? What?

Is the queen really in danger?

Okay, I noticed something odd down by the creek.

There's this weird tent. It's not one of ours.

It's kind of creepy.

Why are you being so helpful all of a sudden?

Look, I harbor an epic crush on the queen.

Maybe you could put in a good word for me when you find her?

I don't think you're her type.

What, you mean she's not into Orcs?

My name is Gilda. I'm from the Hollow Forest of Arkhmoor.

I'm a fairy.

Hmm. Swoon.

Uh, I mean, how did you get here?

I was summoned here by a spell.

BY Whom?

I don't know his name, but I was brought here to do his bidding.

His bidding? That's never good.

My master, he...

He has me hurt people. He's forcing me to.

I'd never hurt anyone. I'm a fairy. The good kind.

No, no, I get that.

Why is he doing this?

I don't know.

He started off with smaller commands, but he's become more violent.

He had me kill two men this week.

Man, someone is taking this game way too seriously.

Game?

This, my outfit, all of this...

...it's just a game here.

Why would you play such a game?

This world? Mm, not so much with the awesome.

The game is a way to get away.

Hmm.

It's a lovely forest.

But it's nothing like my home.

Right. So how do we get you back there?

I can't break free from the spell myself.

A hero must take my master's book of magic and destroy it...

...breaking the spell.

Gilda?

My name is Charlie Bradbury.

And I am here to rescue you.

Why don't you take off? We got it from here.

A handmaiden and a time traveler rescue the queen? I think not, kind lady.

This isn't a game. The queen, our friend, is in real danger. You could get hurt.

I will not leave my queen in peril.

Look, there.

We haven't checked that tent.

Dudes, if the tent is rocking, don't come a-knocking.

No, it's him. My master. Run!

No guns in Moondoor, gentlemen.

Gilda, if you please.

Well, now what, Gerry?

My name is Boltar the Furious!

My plan was, after getting rid of all my competition...

...to win the battle tomorrow...

...convincing the queen that I should be her king.

But then you two idiots showed up and I was forced to improvise.

Rescue the damsel in distress from Orcs, become king...

...kill you both. That'll work too.

So why'd you go from hobbling to murder?

Greyfox and Thargrim became part of the Honor Guard. Got close to the queen.

They did it by breaking the rules...

...paying off players with real money rather than Moondoor currency.

- They were cheating. - Oh, and using magic isn't?

Magic is a part of Moondoor.

What is your problem? Why would you hurt people?

- This is just a game. - There is no game!

There is only Moondoor.

I came here to be different.

To get away from my crappy life.

To be a hero. And guess what.

What, you were a loser in the real world and you're a loser here? Shocker.

Would a loser track down a real book of spells...

...and compel a fairy to do his bidding?

Depends. How did you get it?

EBay.

Look, it doesn't have to be like this, Boltar.

Just hand over the book of spells. We can work this out.

This will all work out...

...after I remove you from the playing field...

...and wipe her memory.

Gilda?

Gilda, the big one.

I can't stop him. The book, you must destroy it.

Hey, Gerry.

I'm the one who saves damsels in distress around here.

No!

Are you okay?

I'm free of the spell.

You saved me.

The Hollow Forest is forever in your debt.

I must return to those green hills now.

I will take my former master with me.

He must face a fairy tribunal for his sins.

Wait.

Call me, maybe?

So, what's next for you, Charlie?

New town? New identity?

If the last 24 hours has taught me anything...

...it's that escaping isn't what it used to be.

No more replacement characters for me.

I gotta face reality from now on.

Sadly, reality actually includes monsters...

...but what are you gonna do?

If I can ever be of help to you guys, let me know.

Will do. And you, uh...? You're good?

Apart from the fact you blocked me from banging a fairy...

...and I'm about to lose my crown...

...thanks to my army being decimated? Heh.

Yeah. Totally good.

Smell you later, bitches.

So, what's, uh...?

What's next? Because no fun, right?

Look, before you say anything, I get it.

No amount of fun is gonna help you get over what you gave up.

You just, uh...

You need time. Right?

Yeah.

Thanks.

And you're right. Ahem.

Having fun won't help me.

It'll help both of us.

Shall we?

And dying in your beds many years from now...

...would you be willing to trade...

...all the days, from this day to that...

...for one chance...

- Isn't that the speech from...? - Only one he knows.

...Just one chance...

...to come back here...

...and tell our enemies...

...that they may take our lives...

- ...but they will never take... - Hold!

- Uh, my bad. - Really?

- Sorry. - You can't be serious.

...Our freedom!

This episode is dedicated to the men, women, elves...

...demigods, magi, druids and chamber-pot servants...

...who gave their lives fighting and winning...

...for the Queen of Moons in the Battle of Kingdoms.

Go bravely into the next world, fallen soldiers.