Original subtitles

Tell me.

How did a nice girl like you get into a racket like this?

Well actually, I was studying at the Paris Conservatory.

I was going to be a concert pianist.

Chopin and Debussy and like that.

And then, the night of my first recital, the piano cover fell on my hand.

Three broken fingers and a broken dream.

After that, I didn't care what happened to me...

as long as I could feed myself and my little dog.

Thank you.

Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?

You mean, why does a girl like me have to do this for a living?

Well...

actually, I'm Belgian.

My parents were missionaries in the Congo.

I don't want to talk about that.

I understand.

So now, there's just me and my sister.

She's in the hospital.

She needs three transfusions a day.

Do you know how much a pint of blood costs these days?

Thank you.

Sorry, pooch.

What's his name?

Her name. Coquette.

And what's yours?

Irma.

They call me Irma la Douce.

That means Irma the sweet.

I don't know why.

Phew!

I know why.

How much is that in dollars?

Five dollars.

Actually, I don't even know my real name.

You see? I was brought up in an orphanage near Cherbourg.

It was destroyed on D-day.

I've been sending money every week to help rebuild it.

I've already paid for a whole wing.

Uh...

That's all I have on me, ma'am.

Actually, it was bombed by the 8th Air Force.

Not that I blame you Americans.

But, if you could see those poor orphans...

sleeping on the floor, the rain coming in.

There are no beds yet, and no roof.

Uh...

Do y'all take traveler's checks?

This, then, is the story of Irma la Douce.

A story of passion, bloodshed, desire...

and death.

Everything, in fact, that makes life worth living.

The place is Paris.

The time is 5 o'clock in the morning.

You may have read in travel folders that Paris is a city that never sleeps.

Don't you believe it.

At this time of the day, there is nothing doing...

unless you're working for the department of sanitation.

If you want a nightcap at Maxim's,...

it's too late.

It's been closed for hours.

If you want to jump off the Eiffel Tower,...

it's too early.

It won't be open for hours.

So...

if you're looking for a little action, forget the high-rent district.

You'd better come to our neighborhood.

This is Les Halles, the wholesale food market.

We call it "the stomach of Paris."

You can keep your Champs-Elysées and your palace in Versailles.

This is the place for me.

Brawling, vulgar, smelly,...

but alive.

Beef from Charolais.

Pork from Perigord.

Lamb from Brittany.

Veal from Normandy.

Brains and kidneys and tripe.

Pigs' feet and calves' heads waiting for sauce vinaigrette.

Salmon from the Loire.

Sole from the Channel.

Lobsters from Corsica.

Oysters from Dieppe.

Sardines from Lorient.

Asparagus from Argenteuil.

Oranges from Valencia.

Melons from Cavaillon.

Cabbage from Aubervilliers.

But, man does not live by cabbage alone.

And if that's what you're in the market for...

just step around the corner into the Rue Casanova.

This is where the girls are.

Or as we say: The poules.

You have your choice of Kiki the Cossack,...

Amazon Annie, Lolita,...

Suzette Wong, Mimi the MauMau,...

and then, of course, there's Irma la Douce.

She was born right here, in Les Halles,...

in a truck behind the fish market.

Like all the other poules,...

she takes her coffee break in a bistro across the street.

This is the owner.

He is known as "Moustache."

According to the police records,

he is a Romanian chicken thief named Constantinescu.

But, when he bought this place, it was already called "Chez Moustache."

And naturally, it was cheaper to grow a moustache than to buy a new sign.

Sometimes at dawn,

the rich slummers drop in for a bowl of onion soup.

But mostly, the clientele consists of the poules and their mecs.

You know what a mec is?

How do you say it in English?

A protector?

A consort?

A business manager.

Well, stick around.

You'll get the idea.

How are we doing?

Not bad.

Mostly tips.

I had some real pigeons tonight.

Sometimes, I wish you were twins.

Thanks.

What's that?

What's what? Oh, that.

The last one didn't have any more money, so he gave me a traveler's check.

Now is that nice, Irma, holding out on me?

It's only 10 dollars.

And you weren't gonna tell me about it?

I was gonna put it down as a deposit...

on a hair dryer.

A hair dryer?

We're partners, Irma!

- You wouldn't want to cheat me. - Let go, Hippolyte.

There's such a thing as ethics, you know?

You're hurting me, you big ox!

If you don't like the way I treat you, why don't you get yourself another guy?

I will, one of these days.

Why wait? Why don't you leave me now?

I'd take her anytime.

Oh, you would?

It was just a joke, Hippolyte.

A joke?

So how come nobody's laughing?

Now go back to work.

Ox!

And so it was one big happy family around here.

The mecs, the poules...

and the flics.

Or as you would say...

the cops.

Your statesmen and politicians,

they keep talking about peaceful coexistence.

But here, in our milieu, we really practice it.

The attitude of the police is "live and let live".

And some of them make a pretty good living at it.

Every other Friday, the flics would raid

the Rue Casanova, just for the record.

A few poules would be hauled to the station.

They'd pay a small fine.

And then, 24 hours later,

they'd be back on the street.

It was a nice, friendly, civilized arrangement.

Everybody looked the other way.

Everybody kept his mouth shut.

Nobody got hurt.

Except maybe an occasional fly.

And then one day, disaster.

An honest policeman came on the beat.

Coquette! Come here, Coquette.

You naughty girl!

Uh, pardon me, mademoiselle. Do you have a license?

A license? No.

That's a violation of Ordinance Number 56.

Oh, well, usually, they let us get away with it.

Not me.

And another thing, according to the law,

you're supposed to keep it on a leash.

- On a leash? - Mm-hm.

Oh!

- Oh, of course. - Mm-hm.

I'll remember that.

Now, just a moment.

What are all you girls doing around here at this hour of the morning?

Well, I don't know about them. I'm just walking my dog.

Oh, I see.

I have to take her out all the time.

- She has kidney stones. - It's a shame.

Look, if...

if you don't mind my saying so.

Oh...

I'm sorry.

You know, I've never seen a girl in green stockings before.

It's good. It matches the ribbon...

- Oh. - and my underwear.

It happens. Green underwear?

Say, you're new around here, aren't you?

It's my first day.

I thought so.

Oh, I've been on the police force for six months.

I was stationed at the Bois de Boulogne.

You know, by the, by the lake where the children play?

That's where I got this medal.

What, for keeping kids off the grass?

Oh, no, I saved a little boy from drowning.

Mouth-to-mouth respiration.

So they thought I was ready for bigger things and transferred me here.

Oh, you're going to like it here.

I'm not so sure.

You know, if I were you, I'd exercise that dog somewhere else.

Why?

Those girls over there.

Something tells me they're streetwalkers.

- No! - Yes!

I can spot them from six blocks away.

Say, Irma.

I just got off work, so I thought if you're not busy--

I beg your pardon!

Irma, it's me, André, wholesale artichokes.

I don't need any.

What's the matter with you, Irma?

You want me to take my business to Kiki the Cossack?

- Is this man annoying you? - No, it's all right.

Not now. Come back later.

Later? I've only got a half-hour.

Look, Officer.

There's a truck double-parked there now.

- Why don't you do your duty? - Maybe, I will.

He takes his work seriously.

I try.

See you again sometime.

I wouldn't be surprised.

What will it be, Officer? Cognac?

No, no, no, no. I never drink when I'm on duty.

As a matter of fact, I never drink when I'm off duty.

Give me just a little glass of Vichy water.

Looking for something, Officer?

What do you know about that hotel?

- Casanova slept there in 1763. - I'm not talking about 1763.

Just since I've been standing here, four couples walked in there.

Monday is always a slow night.

Just between us.

Would you have even a vague idea what they're doing in there?

I have a very definite idea.

They're making love.

That's illegal!

Shows you the kind of world we live in.

Love is illegal, but not hate.

That you can do anywhere, anytime, to anybody.

But, if you want a little warmth for a little tenderness,

a shoulder to cry on, and a smile to cuddle up with...

you have to hide in dark corners like a criminal.

Pfui!

I wouldn't call that love.

Spoken like a petit bourgeois.

It's flagrant vice, and it must be stamped out.

My dear boy,

your thinking is not only fuzzy, it's economically unsound.

And I know what I'm talking about.

I used to be professor of Economics at the Sorbonne.

- A professor? - For six years.

But, that's another story.

Then you should agree with me

that decent citizens have a right to be protected from this.

All right, let's take a decent citizen.

Married for 20 years, works hard all day selling baby carriages.

In the evening, he wants a little fun, a little companionship.

So he comes to Rue Casanova.

He meets a girl. She gives him some companionship.

He gives her some money.

The girl gives the money to her boyfriend,

the boyfriend spends it on drinks, on cufflinks, at the racetrack.

Sometimes,...

he even pays a little money to a policeman.

Bribe a policeman?

That's the beauty of it.

Because the policeman takes the money and buys a baby carriage

from the decent citizen.

Thusly, money is kept in circulation.

Everybody's prosperous. Everybody's happy.

I don't believe it.

- It's elementary. - I don't b--

I don't believe there are policemen who take money.

Oh, not all policemen take money.

Some of the higher-ups have a more intimate arrangement with the girls.

Well, there's one policeman around here who isn't corrupt!

You wouldn't know the number of the police station, would you?

Central 5288.

But, I wouldn't be so impetuous if I were you.

Have your Vichy.

Desk Sergeant? This is Officer Patou.

I want a police van sent immediately to the Hotel Casanova.

Violation of Section 34 of the Criminal Code.

Not "Littering the Sidewalks." That's Section 43.

This is "Lewd and Immoral Conduct."

There goes another couple! I'm gonna raid the place.

You're asking for trouble, my young friend.

To be overly honest in a dishonest world

is like plucking a chicken against the wind.

You'll only wind up with a mouthful of feathers.

Don't worry, old man. I know what I'm doing.

- Do you have a fire alarm here? - Uh, what--

Oh, oh, fire alarm? Oh, yes!

It's right over there. Yes, Officer.

Oh, and it's in perfect working order.

Where, where, where. But, where is the fire?

Right here.

Oh! Oh, oh! Oh, that's hot!

Oh, God! No, no, no.

No, doggy, don't.

You're under arrest.

All right, all right, everybody!

Everybody, the party's over!

Girls on this side. Men over here.

- Hey, what is this? - A raid.

On a Monday? It's supposed to be every other Friday.

- Can I go back up and get my stockings? - No. Come on, come on.

Well, at least, you ought to pay me half. It wasn't my fault!

I don't know what she's talking about. I'm a salesman.

I was up there unpacking samples.

Come on.

Over.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself, scaring a poor little dog like that.

They ought to take the dog away from you. You're not a fit mother.

Quiet! Quiet!

I'm gonna let you men go. We'll need you later as witnesses.

- What's your name? - Jack Casanova.

- What's yours? - André Casanova.

- I suppose you're Pierre Casanova. - No. I'm General Lafayette.

Retired.

All right, let's start all over again.

- And what's your name? - I'm Officer Nestor Patou--

Just a moment. Who's doing the investigating around here, you or me?

This is an outrage.

- I'll see that you lose your job for this. - Shut up.

Do you know who you're talking to?

Duh, trying to bribe an officer, huh?

Back! Everybody back.

All right. Okay, ladies.

Let's go. Come on.

Back.

- Here, we go. - Not so rough!

Come on. Up.

- Up, up, up. - Watch that baton.

- Come on. Up. - Don't handle the merchandise.

- In you get. - Take it easy, you.

Come on.

Let's go, let's go. Let's go, come on.

Here we go. Let's go, now.

Here we go. Just a minute.

- No smoking in a police van. - Just who do you think you are, De Gaulle?

Inside. Come on, come on.

What do they expect us to do now?

Collect unemployment insurance?

- It's that new flic. - No talking. Come on, now.

One of these days, I'm gonna catch him out of uniform,

- and then... - Okay, ladies, let's go.

Up, up, up. Let's go.

Who does this belong to?

- I don't know. - Not me.

Officer, would you zip my dress up?

- Will you hold this, please? - Oh.

Hey!

Say, Officer, do you really have to take us to the station?

The last time we were arrested, we drove right on to Deauville.

What a weekend! Eighteen girls and three policemen.

And they weren't nearly as cute as you are.

- Wouldn't you like to have a harem? - We'll make you feel like a king.

King Farouk.

- Oh! - Oh, look, he's blushing!

I guess he's too young.

Maybe, if we put a moustache on him,

- he'd look older! - Yeah!

All right. All right!

One false move out of any one of you, I'm gonna let you have it.

That's enough, girls. Leave him alone.

- He can take care of himself. - No, he can't.

You know what he was doing before this?

- Policing a children's playground. - Oh.

Now, now, kids, stay out of the bushes.

Don't take candy from strangers.

And no playing doctor.

♪ Little birdie, pretty little birdie ♪

♪ Little birdie, fly away with me ♪

♪ We will build a little nest ♪

♪ We will build a little nest ♪

♪ - Get the best ♪ ♪ - Get the best ♪

♪ - In my nest ♪ ♪ - In my nest ♪

♪ Little blue jay, I can play the music ♪

Come on, get inside, girls.

Sargent's inside.

- Come on, get inside. - Get down!

Go!

Everybody, move it, move it!

Come on.

Here, you dropped this.

Oh, thanks.

You seem to be the only nice one in the bunch.

- They were just pulling your leg. - And it almost came off.

Sorry, I have to put you in jail.

Oh, I don't mind. I can use a little rest.

Get in there.

Oh, Officer Nestor Patou checking in 16 females suspected of lewd vagrancy.

And one poodle.

How many?

Sixteen?

Yes, Sergeant. Monday's always slow, but I'll do better next time.

- You will, huh? - Definitely.

Hello.

About the little one.

Don't worry, we'll feed her around here.

Oh, thank you.

But none of the horse meat you give the police dogs.

She's got kidney stones, you remember?

Hey, Patou.

The inspector wants to see you.

The inspector? Wait, wait, did you hear that?

The inspector wants to see me.

Maybe, they'll give you another medal.

Do you think so?

- No, not on my first day. - In there!

Come in!

Oh.

Officer Patou reporting. You sent for me, s... sir.

- So, you're the new man in our outfit. - Yes, sir.

I've been sort of wondering what you looked like.

- Well, you've seen me before. - I have?

Don't you remember, at the Hotel Casanova?

What was I doing at the Hotel Casanova?

I don't know what you were doing, but I was raiding the place.

You were? Who authorized the raid?

I was using my own judgment, sir.

It was an obvious violation of Section 34.

See, I'm sure we can get a conviction, now that we have you as a witness.

And look at your uniform, it's disgraceful!

There uh, there were 16 of them in the van,

and they were resisting arrest, sir.

And I was resisting, too. And thereby butting head.

I didn't lose my head.

Just my gun, but I got it back.

Take off your cap when you're talking to your superior!

Yes, sir.

Hey, chéri.

You ought to get out of those wet clothes.

I'll help you.

Look who's here.

♪ Little birdie, pretty little birdie ♪

♪ Little birdie, fly away with me ♪

A glass of Vichy, right?

Cognac, please.

To get the taste of feathers out of my mouth.

♪ Little birdie, pretty little birdie ♪

♪ Little birdie, fly away with me ♪

You're off duty?

Permanently.

I've been bounced from the police force.

You don't say.

They had the goods on me.

Insubordination, accepting bribes, and a button missing from my uniform.

So, they took away my medal!

Threw me out of the barracks.

Reminds me of when I was drummed out of the army.

Marrakech, you know.

I was a colonel in the Foreign Legion.

Was that before or after you were a professor of Economics?

No. In between, I was a croupier in Monte Carlo.

But, that's another story.

Oh.

Well, one more.

So, what's your next move?

Well, I've been looking for a job.

- I applied to all the bureaux. - Oh.

Customs inspection, post office, sanitation department.

But once you've been dishonorably discharged,

they won't even let you clean the sewers.

I hate to see a young man like you take a defeatist attitude.

The world is full of opportunities.

Just look around.

There's One-Armed Jojo.

Used to be a safe-cracker.

Until he put a little too much nitroglycerin in the vault.

And that's Casablanca Charlie.

Five years ago,

he walked in with holes in his shoes and a pocketful of dirty postcards.

Or take Hippolyte the Ox.

Used to be a purse-snatcher around the market.

They all started at the bottom.

But, they had perseverance and drive and vision.

Now, they've got it made.

They're retired.

They let their girls work for them.

Well, I'm afraid I wasn't cut out for a life of crime.

There you go, selling yourself short.

Oh maybe, I could snatch a purse...

or crack a small safe,

but to sit around in a striped suit while some girl out in the...

street, uh, um, never.

You're being petit bourgeois again.

Life is total war, my friend.

Nobody has the right to be a conscientious objector.

- Cigarettes. - Pack of Gitanes, coming up.

- Hello. - Hello.

Nasty night, isn't it?

It never fails.

Wouldn't you know, just this afternoon I gave her a permanent.

Put them on my bill.

Uh.

Can I buy you a cheap drink?

Why not?

You think you can afford a peppermint tea?

- Certainly. - One peppermint tea, coming up.

Here we are again.

Again? Have we been together before?

I guess you don't recognize me out of uniform.

Uniform?

Oh, about a month ago.

You're that sailor with Brigitte Bardot tattooed on your chest?

No, it was just, just this morning. I arrested you.

Oh. Oh, of course.

I'm sorry. I never remember a face.

Oh.

How long did they keep you in the police station?

About an hour.

I was out much faster than that.

- Sugar? - Thanks.

Oh say, uh, that hotel. Tell me, what are the rates?

- Why? - I'm looking for a room.

They charge by the hour. Nobody can afford to live there.

Besides, they don't take anybody with luggage.

Irma!

Let's have it.

Is that all?

It's the weather. Nothing's happening out there.

Well, get out and make it happen.

You mind if I dry off first?

On your way. I haven't won a hand all evening.

You know, when I was walking a beat on a night like this,

I used to wear two pairs of wool socks. You ought try it.

- How about long underwear? - By all means.

Also, I used to put an old newspaper inside my coat to keep my chest warm.

Look, mister, I'm in a very competitive business.

Well, you have one advantage.

At least, you get indoors, once in a while, and off your feet.

Terrific!

I'm sorry.

Forget it.

You really ought to cut down on that. I mean, one after another.

Mind your own business.

Why you want to smoke yourself to death? But--

Oh.

I've met fellas that asked me to do a lot of crazy things,

but not to give up smoking.

Well, I don't mean to get personal, it's just that I like you, all right?

When I was living in Dijon, there was a girl that I was in love with.

And I remind you of her.

Just a matter of fact, you don't look anything like her at all.

But she was a heavy smoker.

60 cigarettes a day. Coughing all the time.

Gee!

What are you hanging around for? I said out!

Please, you're interrupting.

All right, all right. We were just talking.

About smoking.

Talk on your own time, not during working hours.

I would strongly advise you to let go of the lady.

Oh, it's you.

I'm gonna give you exactly five seconds. One...

Two...

Three...

Four...

Five.

Well, that's better.

Outside.

And don't come back with any excuses.

I need 100 francs.

Hey, watch it.

This is a new hat.

Had enough?

Now, I'm mad.

Now, I am really mad.

And when I get mad, I'm like a tiger!

Do you hear that, boys? He's a tiger.

Hey, girls! A fight!

All right.

Who's next?

Next?

Cognac.

Would you care for another peppermint tea?

No, thank you.

Put everything on my bill.

Shall we go?

We might as well.

I'm getting bored with this place.

Where are we going?

To my apartment.

I thought you lived in the hotel.

That's my business address.

Come on. You're getting wet.

Don't expect too much when we get up there.

Oh, no, not at all.

- I have no rugs, no icebox. - As long as you have an empty couch.

No couch.

I also have to get curtains.

You see, they're working across the street repairing the roof,

and I sleep in the nude.

Well, it's about time they started fixing up this--

You mean you don't wear anything?

Nothing but a sleeping mask.

Oh.

Well, that's all right, there, because the workmen wouldn't recognize you anyway.

You know what I've got?

- An electric blanket. - You do?

It was a present from somebody with the American Embassy.

That must be nice, an electric blanket on a night like this.

Only it doesn't work.

They've got a different kind of electricity there.

AC or DC or something.

That's too bad.

Don't worry. You won't be cold.

I'm not worried.

It's very attractive.

It has atmosphere.

It used to be a studio.

A painter once lived here.

Poor guy! He was starving.

Tried everything

Even cut his ear off.

Van Gogh?

No, I think his name was Schwartz.

Would you believe it? I'm an artist myself.

I believe it.

See this bed?

Yes.

I painted it.

Oh. Oh!

Okay, I see. Well, I have--

Very good job.

It looked just awful when I found it at the flea market.

Hey, can I borrow a newspaper?

You want to read?

No, of course not.

Can I take your stockings off?

Sure, go ahead.

You really are shy, aren't you?

Me? Shy?

Not particularly. It's, it's just uh...

the kind of world we live in.

What I mean is, if you hate somebody,

you can do that anytime, anyplace.

But, if you like somebody,...

you've got to hide in dark corners.

You know, I'm sort of glad about that girl in Dijon, with the cough.

You are?

Because, frankly,...

in the police van, I thought that, that you'd never in your life uh...

Oh, she wasn't the only girl.

I've had more than one girl.

How many?

Altogether?

Well, let me see.

Three?

Not as many as that. That is--

What's your name?

Nes... Nestor.

Nestor Patou.

Well, don't take all night, Nestor Patou.

I won't.

Didn't you just say you had a...

sleeping mask?

You're really something.

What's going on? What are you doing?

Irma!

Irma!

Irma!

Irma!

Irma!

Irma.

Where are you, Irma?

Where are you, Irma?

Mmm?

Mm?

What are you doing way over there?

It's 4 o'clock in the afternoon.

Come back.

What's gotten into you?

I don't know. I guess I've become an addict.

Irma!

What do you want?

I want to talk to you.

You go to hell!

I'm coming up to get my clothes.

Just a minute.

Who is it? That big ox again?

Uh-huh.

All right, look, if you two have something personal to discuss--

Just stay right where you are.

Catch.

Well, what about my suits?

And my silk shirts?

And my jewelry?

This is what you came with, and this is what you're leaving with.

Why, you little--

You're lucky I don't take back that gold tooth.

I'm going to come up there and break your arm!

Oh, you are?

Tiger.

Come on out, Tiger.

You want my friend here to beat you up again?

You'll be hearing from me.

And stay away!

You could beat him up again, couldn't you?

Naturally.

It's just that I don't like to pick on anybody who isn't my size.

How did you get mixed up with a character like that anyway?

You should have seen the one I had before.

He was not only mean, he used to run around with other women,

and on my money.

Why do you have to have anybody at all?

Everybody needs somebody.

Like Coquette needs me.

Who wants to be a stray dog?

You've got to belong to someone, even if he kicks you once in a while.

Well, don't you have any family?

No.

My mother was a very successful woman.

She used to have the same spot outside the hotel that I do.

Then one day, she met a guy, fell in love with him and quit.

That's very romantic.

Romantic? It's stupid.

Gave up her career. For what?

Some slob from the market.

Dragged around those heavy sides of beef till he dropped dead.

By then, it was too late for Mama to make a comeback.

She wound up as a cashier in the fish market.

Only smart thing she ever did was not marry my father.

You mean, you're not Le...

legitimate?

That's right.

You'd think, with a background like that, I'd have turned out no good.

Well, I know you're doing very well,

but uh, a girl like you, there's other kinds of jobs.

This isn't just a job. It's a profession.

Of course.

Uh, somebody has to do these things, but in your case...

- And now that I know you better-- - I get that all the time.

Just the other night, I ran across a man who thought

I was too good for this kind of work.

And you know what he does for a living?

He's a mortician. Now, I ask you.

Ask me what?

Why is it nine out of ten try to reform me?

You're not one of those, are you?

Who, me?

Oh, no.

I used to be one of those...

petit bourgeois.

But uh, that was yesterday. I know better now.

I don't think she cares for me.

You two better make friends if you're gonna live here.

We'd better--

Live here?

Why? Don't you like the idea?

Sure.

I like the idea. It's just that I had no idea.

Is this all you've got?

Huh? It's just my old uniform and my toilet kit.

Try one of those suits in the closet.

- Go ahead. - Oh.

Let's see how you look in the brown one with the pinstripes.

He hardly ever wore it.

He said it was too conservative.

I'm afraid the, the, the sleeves may be a little--

Don't worry about that.

There's a brown derby that goes with it.

What, what, what, what are the glasses for?

The races.

Mmm. They look very powerful.

Whoops.

- What's the matter? - Wrong end.

You want me to turn around?

No, I mean the glasses.

I'll bet nobody ever saw you like this before.

You'd lose.

Through field glasses?

No bet.

You know when I first met you, I thought you were pretty.

I was totally wrong.

You're beautiful.

You're out of your mind or out of focus.

Without makeup, you look about 14 years old.

I wore makeup when I was 14...

so I could pass for 17.

- Then by the time I was 17-- - Never mind.

I don't want to hear about it.

This coat looks ridiculous.

Well, have it fixed.

Just take it in to Maurice the tailor.

All right.

But, I won't wear the hat.

But, you have to.

It all goes together.

The suit, the hat, the glasses for when you go to the racetrack.

The racetrack? Who's got time for the racetrack?

I've got to get myself a job.

What do you mean, a job?

Well, I'm sure I can find something around the market.

Unloading trucks or cleaning the stalls or...

What's the matter?

Did I say something wrong?

You're trying to make me feel cheap.

Cheap?

How would it look if I let you go to work?

Do you want the other girls to think I can't support my man?

Irma.

I want you to be better dressed than anybody else.

I want you to have more money in your pockets.

I want to be proud of you.

But, Irma, you don't understand.

I never felt like this about anybody.

That's why I'm gonna work twice as hard for you

as I ever did for any of the others.

Your turn.

Hey, Tiger.

Ah, I don't feel like playing anymore.

Get somebody else, fellas.

Give me a drink.

Cognac, Pernod, Calvados?

Yeah, and in that order.

Why don't you shut that damn jukebox off?

What's the problem? You're sitting pretty.

You got a gold mine working for you.

And shut yourself off, too.

Say, I'm looking for Irma.

You know, the one with the green stockings and the bow-wow?

She's not here. Go away.

I've been away. Tangiers, Naples, Cairo.

I've met up with a lot of dames, but there's nothing like that Irma.

Get out of here.

- What is this? - I know about you.

You're the one with Brigitte Bardot tattooed on your chest!

Hey, you crazy?

She must know two sailors.

That's a hell of a way to treat a customer.

I just can't take it, I'm so jealous. I'm going out of my mind.

You must be.

A mec falling in love with his poule.

You're like an impresario. You're handling Pavlova.

And you want her to dance just for you?

It's a God-given talent. It was meant to be shared with the public.

Again.

- Hey, there's the bow-wow! - Come on, sailor, keep rowing.

Whew! What a night!

Everybody seems to have the same idea.

Always happens when there's a full moon. I haven't even had time to catch my breath.

How's my baby?

- Fine. - No, he isn't.

As a matter of fact, he's very grouchy.

We can fix that.

I have a little present for you.

What is it?

A stickpin. You put it in your tie.

- I don't need it. - Yes, you do.

Mimi got Casablanca Charlie one. This one has real sapphires.

Come on, let's go, Irma.

- Go where? - Home.

It's only one o'clock. A package of Gitanes.

- You know I never quit before five. - Take the night off.

Oh, just walk off the job? Just like that?

- Disappoint all my regulars? - What the hell with them!

Why don't we go away somewhere for a week, huh?

A week?

What are we going to live on?

If I stay away that long, I'll lose my spot.

She's got the best location on the street.

We never have time together.

You're out there all night. You sleep all day.

Oh, if only Monsieur Camembert was still around.

You remember Monsieur Camembert, don't you?

Do I? Big spender.

Who is Monsieur Camembert?

That's what we called him.

He was a cheese wholesaler at the market.

He used to see me twice a week,

and always gave me 500 francs.

So, I didn't have to see anybody else.

I had lots of time then.

I went to cooking school, I knitted sweaters, played solitaire.

He was such a nice man.

What happened to him?

His wife died, so he stopped coming around.

It was a great loss to all of us.

Hey, girls! Here comes another busload of tourists.

Irma?

Stay here.

You're sweet.

Kiss me.

You know, I've been thinking. Maybe, you're right.

I'm going to give it up.

You are?

I promise you, this is absolutely the last pack I'll ever smoke.

All right, all right. We're going.

See you later.

Must be German tourists.

Short leather pants.

Shut up!

Tourists, sailors, wholesalers, I'd like to kill them all.

Listen to him. Jack the Ripper.

What am I gonna do?

Suppose there was just one man...

a rich customer who gave her 500 francs,

- would that make you any happier? - No!

Well, maybe, it would make me a little less miserable.

How about somebody like Monsieur Barnathan,

the goose-liver king?

That nasty old man with the gout? She wouldn't like it.

Or somebody like Monsieur Lionelli?

Owns 6 restaurants, comes here every morning to do the marketing.

I don't know him.

A tall, dark young man, very good looking.

- I wouldn't like it. - Well.

What about one of those Englishmen who drop in here?

You know, Rolls-Royce, Oxford, Coldstream Guards?

They're harmless enough.

You don't understand.

I don't want anybody to make love to her.

Except me.

Sentimental slob.

I say there, little old chap, l'addition.

Two onion soups, a bottle of wine. 15 francs.

Ah, capital onion soup. Capital!

Pity, we don't have rubber pockets.

We could smuggle some back to London.

An Englishman?

Maybe, that wouldn't be such a bad idea.

It's worth a try.

- I say there-- - No, no, no.

No?

Listen, Moustache, would you lend me 500 francs?

- What for? - The, the perfect solution.

You give me the money, I'm going to give it to Irma.

Irma is going to give it back to me, and I'm going to give it back to you.

It's very simple, really.

- What are you talking about? - Don't you see?

Irma's going to have a rich lover, and it is going to be me.

- You're mad! - Yes, yes, I'm mad!

I'm desperate. This is the only way out,

and you're going to help me, Moustache, you hear me?

All right. Let's hear it again.

The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain.

No, no. Through the nose.

- The rain in Spain... - And show me some teeth.

The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain.

By George, you haven't got it.

- I haven't? - No.

To a lord, you wouldn't be a lord, but maybe to Irma.

Don't worry. I've seen every English movie in town. I'm ready.

- Hold still, your Lordship. - Tell me just once more.

Where is my castle? In, in, in, in Worcestershire?

No, that's the sauce. In Yorkshire.

I thought that was a pudding.

Well, I've done all I can. Now, let's see.

Homburg, umbrella.

Where's my 500 francs?

You mean, my 500 francs.

Thank you, old chip.

- Not "old chip", "old chap". - Oh.

And not that way. On the lift.

- On the what? - The elevator.

Now then,...

shall we have a go at it?

This may be the biggest setback for the British since Dunkirk.

I know. I was there.

Last man to be evacuated.

But, that's another story.

Hello, Uncle. Looking for a little fun?

Quite.

Am I your type?

Not quite.

Cheerio, old chap.

Got the time, mister?

Indeed, but not the inclination.

Good show.

Anything I can do for you?

No, thank you.

Just browsing.

I say there.

Would you call that a miniature or a toy?

That's not a toy. That's a real live dog.

- I have a dog myself. - A poodle?

No.

A Hound of the Baskervilles. Magnificent beast.

But then again, so are you.

- You must be British. - Terribly so.

Rolls-Royce, you know, Oxfords, cold cream guards.

Tell me...

- Are you booked? - No.

In that case, shall we uh--? I mean, would you--?

- That is, could we uh--? - Why not?

What did you say your name was?

Irma. They call me Irma la Douce.

Well, if you don't mind, Miss la Douce,

I'd rather not introduce myself.

- I don't mind. - In my situation,

a man must be discreet, eh. You may call me...

Lord X.

Lord X. Sure.

No, no, no, no, no, my dear. That shan't be necessary.

What's the matter?

All I really want is a bit of companionship.

A shoulder to cry on, a smile to lean against.

Say, what does that X stand for?

X-centric?

Let me ask you something, my dear.

Do you find me repulsive?

No, not at all.

You're rather nice looking, for a lord your age.

Thank you.

You see, my wife, Lady X, she does.

- Does what? - Finds me repulsive.

Ignores me completely, spends all of her time cultivating the garden.

And what's worse...

cultivating the gardener.

- The gardener? - Yes.

The other day, I was watching them...

from the turret of the castle.

They were in the flowerbed together...

and he was pruning her begonias!

They ought to be ashamed.

Yes, and it was such a jolly marriage, those first few years.

We'd sit in front of the fire and play...

double solitaire and...

Chinese checkers.

Solitaire? I play solitaire.

Capital! Could we?

That is, uh, would you?

I mean, uh, shall we?

Uh, I don't care, just as long as you're paying for my time.

Don't worry about the money.

You take the red, I'll take the blue, hm?

I once knew a gentleman, used to bring me up here,

and all he'd do is scatter marbles on the floor

and make me pick them up with my toes.

How odd.

I never played double solitaire before.

It is simple. All we do is play off on each other's aces.

Hm.

The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain, you know?

- No, I didn't know. - Mm, it's a fact. Yeah.

That's where I met my wife, in Spain.

In the rain.

In the plain. I was stationed in Gibraltar.

Your wife, Lady X, is she beautiful?

Very.

And very passionate. So, I can't really blame her.

You see...

I came back from the war, a shattered man.

I was wondering about your eye.

Oh, a bit of detached retina.

Happened at Navarone.

Those beastly guns, popping off all the time.

And I have a silver plate in this elbow. Sink the Bismarck, that was.

- Oh, I'm sorry. - Oh,

I have one eye, one elbow, it's not tragic.

No.

What is tragic, however...

I'd rather not talk about it.

Well, if you'd rather not.

I was in a Japanese prison camp on the river Kwai.

There was a rather nasty explosion.

Whole ruddy bridge fell down on me!

When they dug me up, I was...

only half a man.

A hollow shell.

You've been through a lot, haven't you?

Well, Mad Dogs and Englishmen, eh, with Lawrence in Arabia...

with Sherpa Tenzing up the Himalayas.

And then there was the charge of the Light Brigade.

India, you know?

Gunga Din, eh.

Bengal Lancers. Ta-ta!

Yes, I served under Commander Whitehead.

And then, there was the RAF...

and the BBC.

Ah, Dunkirk! Ha-ha!

But, that's another story.

Say, have you seen Irma around?

Huh?

Oh, oh, she went up there at midnight, and hasn't come down yet.

That's six hours.

You should see the guy. He's an old goat with a beard.

I didn't even think he'd make it up the stairs.

Ah, by George, I've done it again, hm?

One more.

Oh, I'm afraid not.

Well, oh.

Oh.

I'd better dash to the airport if I'm not to miss my plane, hm.

You know, it was rather fun...

- for a change. - Oh, thank you.

There you are, my dear.

Oh!

You're very generous.

Oh, not really. Just filthy rich.

Um...

How often do you come to Paris?

Twice a week. Why?

Well, I was thinking, maybe, we could do it again.

Smashing! I was about to suggest we make some kind of arrangement.

I'd like that. And so would Nestor.

Yeah. Uh, who?

- The man I live with. - Oh.

And he doesn't mind that you come up here with strangers and...

pick up their marbles?

No, why should he? Business is business.

Sensible attitude, hm.

The only thing he does object to is my smoking.

I'm trying to quit.

But, it isn't easy.

Then you must really love him.

Uh, shall we go?

Just a second.

- Where's my other shoe? - Hm?

- My other shoe. - Oh, hm.

Uh, I'm sorry, I really must catch my plane...

or Lady X and that wretched gardener will be running amok, hm.

See you Thursday. Same time and place?

- I'll be waiting. - Oh.

Cheery-bye.

Whee!

This is our lucky night!

Wait till I tell Nestor.

All right, what did you do with my shoe?

Would you give this to the young lady in Room 9?

Somehow, it wound up in my pocket.

Room nine. It's over--

Old goat!

How did it go?

You'd have been proud of me.

What a performance! Like Sir Laurence Oliver.

- That's Laurence Olivier. - Oh.

Now, watch your ascot.

My what?

Nestor!

Nestor!

Nestor! It happened!

We hit the jackpot!

- Whee! - What happened?

- What jackpot? - I found him!

And he's got a castle, and he comes here twice a week.

Who? Calm down.

He's English, and he's a lord,

and I'll see him again on Thursday,

and he's filthy rich.

- You know how much he gave me? - How would I know?

Come on. Make a guess.

500 francs!

- Here. - How about that!

500 francs! What did you have to do for it?

- Nothing. - Oh, come on.

- Well, he, he taught me a new game. - What kind of game?

- He beat me nine times in the row. - That's more like it.

He used to play with his wife, but now, she won't do it anymore.

She's got something with the gardener.

Hey, it's 500 francs, all right.

Later.

Hey, Tiger.

Can we see you for a minute?

Certainly. What's on your mind, boys?

Congratulations! You made it.

Well, I didn't really do anything.

Me and the boys have been talking it over.

and since you're numero uno around here now,

we've elected you president.

President? Of what?

- Local 27 of the MPPA. - MPP?

Mecs of Paris Protective Association.

- Me? - It was unanimous.

Well, that's a great honor.

I'm sure you could find somebody more deserving.

- I-- - We accept!

Oh, I'm so proud of you.

- Champagne for everybody! - Oh, yeah!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Hey, free champagne!

Cheer.

Cheer.

Vive Nestor!

Vive! Vive! Vive!

- Oh, I'm so happy. - Happy.

From now on, it's just gonna be the three of us.

- You and me and the lord. - Yeah.

Let's see.

500 francs each time, that's 1,000 francs a week.

With 52 weeks in a year, so that would be--

Darling, can I have 100 francs?

Oh, sure.

- It's for a hair dryer. - And here's another 100.

Get some curtains, too.

Why are you so good to me?

I just believe in fair dealings between labor and management.

Come on, Nestor, Le twist.

- Huh? - Hands off, Lolita.

He doesn't twist with anybody but me.

Get her, Mrs. President.

Um, let's dance.

Want to pay for the champagne now?

I didn't order it.

President always pays when he's inaugurated.

That's a custom. 270 francs, please.

- 200 and 70-- - 9 bottles.

Eight for the gang, one for her.

She had a whole bottle?

How do you think she got those kidney stones?

Well.

That went fast.

Now, what about my 500?

Well, you know something? This isn't working out the way we figured.

The way you figured. I told you it was economically unsound.

You'll just have to advance Lord X another 500

when he comes back next Thursday, eh.

Oh, no. Not me.

Well, how am I gonna pay Irma?

I guess, you'll just have to mortgage your castle.

Or pick some pockets.

Or rob a bank.

I once knocked over a bank in Bordeaux.

It was my father's bank.

- But that's another story. - Shut up.

Bit of a sticky wicket, isn't it, your Lordship?

♪ Dis donc, dis donc ♪

♪ Dis donc, dis donc ♪

♪ Dis donc, dis donc, dis donc ♪

♪ Dis donc, dis donc ♪

♪ Dis donc, dis donc, dis donc ♪

♪ Dis donc, dis donc, dis donc ♪

♪ Dis donc, dis donc ♪

♪ Dis donc ♪

Dis donc!

Irma?

Irma?

Come on.

Good morning, darling.

Good morning.

Did I wake you?

No.

Ooh.

Oh, it looks like a beautiful day.

Uh--

I feel so spoiled and so lazy.

Do you realize I don't have a thing to do until Thursday?

- Oh, what's Thursday? - When Lord X comes again.

Mm, oh.

You know what? Let's do--

Let's rent a bicycle, one of those tandems,

and ride out to the country.

Trees and grass and fresh air.

Not today.

Or we could take Coquette to the Bois and you can row us around the lake.

Maybe next week.

Then we don't really have to do anything.

We could stay in bed all day.

Oh, I'd like that.

You want your breakfast now or later?

Much later.

I've got a surprise for you.

Close your eyes.

Thank you.

When I was at the department store yesterday, buying the curtains, I saw this.

And you know how I feel about green.

So, I tried it on.

There was a riot.

Three of the salesmen got trampled.

So naturally, I just had to have it.

Now, don't open your eyes yet. I want you to see it against the light.

All right, you can look now.

Nestor?

Nestor?

Nestor!

Not today. Maybe next week?

All right.

If that's the way you feel about it.

- My dear girl. - Oh, I was afraid you wouldn't show up.

Almost didn't, you know?

Ran into a bit of dirty weather over the Channel.

Unusually foggy for July.

What is it, my dear?

You've changed somehow.

Have I? How?

That patch,

shouldn't it be on the other eye?

Oh.

Indeed!

Well, no wonder it was so foggy.

I've been practicing.

- I'll be much better tonight. - Oh, let's get at it then, shall we?

Old goat.

- How are things at home? - Hmm?

I, I mean, how's Lady X?

Her usual self.

How's the gardener?

Finally happened.

Caught them red-handed in the greenhouse.

- No. - Yes.

So, I threw them both out,

pulled up the drawbridge, started divorce proceedings.

Oh, that's too bad.

Catastrophe.

Best damn gardener I ever had.

Must be sort of lonely for you now at the castle.

Very. Especially at night.

Just me and the family ghosts spooking around those 96 rooms.

How many?

Not to mention the 400 acres and the...

croquet field, the trout hatchery,

and all the horses.

I breed trotters and pacers.

Separate stables, you know.

I imagine there must be lots of trees and grass and a brook?

And swans and peacocks and...

unicorns.

Oh, it sounds like a wonderful place for Coquette.

I'd like to get her out of the city.

She drinks, you know.

Really?

I keep finding empty bottles under the bed.

Well.

Love to invite you to the castle. Uh, both of you.

But I'm sure...

you wouldn't dream of leaving your young man.

No, I guess not.

Although sometimes, I wonder.

About what? Is something troubling you?

Well, suddenly, he seems so different.

I mean, so indifferent.

He's tired all the time, not interested in me at all.

I'm sure there must be some explanation.

I'm beginning to think he's got another girl.

That's ridiculous!

Why would anybody with a...

girl like you--

Somebody ought to give that young man a good talking to, hm?

- Would you like to meet him? - Meet him?

He's waiting in the bistro across the street.

I really ought to be getting to the airport.

Oh, it'll only take a minute.

Come on, we'll buy you a drink.

Thank you, but, no thank you.

I mean, while I'm getting my divorce,

we really shouldn't be seen with each other.

- Yeah. - Mm.

- And you must be careful. - Yeah.

Maybe, we shouldn't even leave the hotel together.

Capital suggestion!

Shall we rendezvous again next Monday, hm?

Of course.

Oh, I don't feel right about this.

Hmm?

It's taking money under false pretenses.

After all, I don't do anything for you.

Balderdash!

Why, if it weren't for this arrangement of ours,

I should go straight through the ceiling.

Of course, it must be very boring for you, hm?

Oh, not at all.

- I enjoy it. - Oh.

You've made me a very happy man.

Half-man, I should say.

Ooh.

Well, ta-ta.

Toodle-oo.

And tallyho.

Now, up!

Get up, you lush.

Oh, look at those circles under your eyes.

Carry on like this, and we'll have to have your face lifted.

Say...

you're the Englishman that's seeing Irma.

I don't believe we've been introduced.

I'm Hippolyte the Ox.

Uh, what is on your mind, Mr. Ox?

I just thought if you're interested in something new,

something more unusual...

Twins, you know.

What?

Play three-handed solitaire?

No, thanks.

Order!

Come on, everybody, it's getting late!

- Let's take a vote. - All right.

The motion on the floor is that

every girl contributes one day's earnings a week

toward our pension fund.

All those in favor.

- Aye. - Aye.

Aye!

Carried unanimously.

Okay, girls, let's have it.

- I don't like it. - Oh.

- No, I don't think I like it. - What are you going to do?

I'm back, Nestor.

Hi. Ooh, that was a rough meeting.

Here you are.

Thank you.

Thank you.

- What's that for? - You just voted for it.

- It's for the pension fund. - Huh?

Just...

part of my program.

Now that I'm President, I'm going to get this organization moving ahead.

How did it go with his Lordship?

Fine. You know, I'm beginning to like him a lot.

Well.

It's a good thing the bridge fell on him or I might be jealous.

Cognac.

Pernod for me. Nothing for her.

He's getting a divorce.

So maybe now, he can come and see me more often.

More often?

I doubt it.

Where would he get the money?

Well, he's got this big estate.

You know what the taxes are on a big estate in England?

Why, some of those lords have to scrounge around for a living.

If he saw me three times a week, that's 1500 francs.

I could buy you a car.

One of those sports models.

Kiki thinks she's such a hotshot because she got her guy a motor scooter.

Just wait till they see you driving up and down the street with the top down.

And I'm gonna get you one of those little cap to go with it.

What are you doing?

What--?

He's trying to get the lipstick off.

Lipstick?

Where did that come from?

That's a good question.

Well, it must have been you.

- That's it. - Me?

I was in the hotel with his Lordship.

That's not it.

Oh, yes. I was at the board meeting, we were taking a vote

and one of the girls was doing a little lobbying.

That must be it.

Just which girl was doing a little lobbying?

Come on, Tiger. How about it?

Hey, you dropped something.

Where?

There.

Oh, hey, now, please.

Look, girls--

This, this is ridiculous.

Now, I'm the president here. Uh-oh.

Well, that's enough. Let's shake hands and make up, hm?

Oh, why?

Now, wait. Girls!

Oh, no, you wouldn't.

You--

Good morning, Tiger.

How about some breakfast?

Fresh croissants.

No, I better get back before she wakes up.

You look terrible.

You must have lost 10 pounds.

15. I just weighed myself on the meat scale.

What do you expect? Night after night,

loading, unloading, in the window, out the window,

on with the beard, off with the beard.

You're going to fall apart, kid.

I don't care so long as I can keep her off the streets.

It's a hard way to earn an easy living.

Nestor?

You know, Irma?

I'm a little bit disappointed in you.

You promised me you wouldn't smoke anymore.

Aren't you gonna say anything?

I suppose you're wondering...

where I was.

I know where you were.

You do?

You were out with the boys.

Yeah, that's right.

Don't lie to me!

Well, where was I?

You were out with Lolita.

That's right. That's just me--

Let me go to bed. I'm very tired.

You've been with her every night.

Oh, no, I haven't.

- No? - No, not every night.

Sometimes, I was with uh...

Amazon Annie.

And sometimes, with Mimi the MauMau, and...

uh sometimes, with the, the twins.

And uh...

They, they all want me to handle them.

So, I've decided to branch out, you know?

Business is business.

And don't you forget...

around here, I'm numero uno.

You make me sick!

What are you gonna do about it?

This is what you came with. Now, get out!

You're not throwing me out.

Because you're crazy about me, aren't you?

- Tell me, Irma. - Let go!

Gonna buy me a new car, remember?

- And a sports cap. - Let go!

And when you buy me the sports cap, I want it with a little strap in the back.

That's what you'll get from me.

Let those other girls work for you and see how well you do.

You think you're numero uno. I'm numero uno.

Go outside on the street and ask the first man you see.

Ask anybody!

I'm sorry. It's...

Well, here we are in the 7th inning.

Two outs, Maury Wills on first.

Ballgame coming to you direct from Los Angeles

over the American Forces Network.

Marichal on the rubber, into a stretch.

Here's the pitch, and there he goes.

The throw down to second base is not in time.

He's stolen another one.

Hello.

Here you are. I was afraid you mightn't show.

I didn't realize it was so late. I've been walking the streets all day.

- Yeah? - Thinking.

Oh, well.

There's something very important I'd like to discuss with you.

- By all means. - Not here.

Hm?

I don't want Nestor to know.

Let's not take any chances, hm?

Shall we go up to your office?

Now then, my dear, what is it that's so important, hm?

Did you mean what you said the other night?

Indeed.

What did I say?

About taking me to England with you.

Of course I meant it, if I said it.

And if you say so,

I must have said it, so I meant it.

I'm ready.

But, you can't go.

What about Nestor or whatever his name is?

Nestor, Hippolyte, Marcel, it doesn't matter.

Sooner or later, they all give you a bad time.

The brutes.

So, if you want me to go with you--

Oh, it's a bit of a sticky wicket.

Look, if it's in any way awkward, I don't want to embarrass you.

Oh, not at all, my dear. I'd be delighted.

It's just that uh...

there's this ghastly servant problem right now...

and the castle's overrun with plumbers.

The moat is leaking.

Besides,...

I'm a shattered man. I'd be of no use to you.

- Are you sure? - Yeah.

As a matter of fact,...

I'm on my way to Zurich now.

I wasn't planning to go back to England at all.

Going to consult a Swiss doctor, a specialist.

But, that's a waste of time.

They can't help you.

I once knew a specialist, used to send some of his patients to me.

To you?

The tough cases. Poor guys!

Thought they'd run out of gas, but they were just stalled.

All they needed was a little push.

A push?

I mean mentally.

- To stimulate their imagination. - Hm.

- It's all up here, you know. - I wish it were.

I had one patient given up as hopeless

until I started telling him about the South Seas.

The South Seas? What a curious gambit, huh?

It worked.

- Lie down. - I beg your pardon?

Stretch out. Relax.

Hm.

Close your eyes.

I mean, your eye.

- No tricks now. - I promise.

You're in Tahiti.

- All right? - Tahiti.

Oh, yes, I've been there with Captain Bligh.

Mutiny on the Bounty. Ha-ha.

Down, Lord.

Now, concentrate.

Palm trees swaying in the breeze.

The smell of ripe papayas.

A blue lagoon.

White sand.

Golden-skinned girls.

Have you got that?

Blue lagoon, white sand, golden skin.

They're beautiful, aren't they?

Are they ever? Oh.

How many do you see?

Uh, fourteen, to be exact.

They're wearing grass skirts and coconut shells.

- No, they're not. - They're not?

They're wearing sarongs...

and hibiscus blossoms in their hair.

Oh?

Yes, by George, you're right.

Now, they take off their sarongs.

They start washing them in the blue lagoon.

Indeed. They--

Look, it's no use.

I mean, I really am out of gas, uh, petrol.

The tank is completely dry.

All right. Let's forget Tahiti.

Lie back.

You're in Baghdad.

Baghdad? Now, how did I get there?

Shh.

You're in a bazaar.

You see an exotic woman...

with a veil across her face.

Big, black almond eyes.

She winks at you.

You follow her.

She disappears into a palace.

There are two Nubian slaves standing guard...

so you climb over the wall.

How high?

Ten feet.

- I'll never make it. - Well, try. You must try.

I'm trying. Ow!

Broken glass on the top.

Are you over?

Just barely.

Good.

Now...

you're inside the harem.

You're lying on silk pillows.

Odalisques are fanning you.

They're feeding you grapes...

painting your toenails...

while she does the dance of the seven veils.

She takes off...

the fourth veil...

the fifth...

the sixth.

Ooh.

Oh.

You will be gentle, won't you?

Your Lordship?

Are you all right, Your Lordship?

I, I, I will be as soon as I pull myself together.

You know, I think Lady X must have been out of her mind.

I mean, with you in the house,

why would she want to go puttering around in the garden?

How kind of you to say so.

What time does our plane leave for London?

- Eight o'clock. - Oh.

I'd better go home and pack.

Look, I'm afraid I can't take you to my castle in Worcestershire.

Why not?

Because, well...

I don't have a castle in Worcestershire.

Of course not. It's in Yorkshire.

Quite, but, uh...

what I mean to say...

I haven't been entirely frank with you, my dear Irma.

You haven't?

For instance...

what I told you about...

the unicorns.

There are no unicorns.

So what?

So, she'll play with the peacocks.

And don't worry about the servant problem.

I'll cook for you,

I'll serve you tea in the afternoon,

I'll knit you sweaters.

I can be ready in 20 minutes.

I'll meet you at the bistro across the street.

Chez Moustache, all right?

Hey, are you there?

Your Lordship?

Yes, I'm there.

I mean, I'm here.

And I'll be there.

The bistro.

Oh, and one more thing.

Keep away from Nestor. He's vicious!

They don't call him "Tiger" for nothing.

I say there, this is a bit of a jolly surprise.

What'll it be, Your Lordship?

Don't mention that swine to me.

Do you know what they've been doing in that hotel room behind my back?

- What? - Shattered man, my eye.

And now, they're running off to England together.

- Who? - Irma and the lord.

She's packing right now. She's gonna walk out on me.

Nestor.

He's gonna take her to his bloody castle.

She's gonna make tea for him. She's gonna knit him sweaters.

- Nestor, you're talking crazy. - Well, they won't get away with it.

I'll kill him first, I'll tear him apart, I'll...

throw him in the Seine.

Nestor.

There is no lord.

- There isn't? - That's right.

How do you like that phony? He's been lying to her.

What do you mean, "He"? There is no "He", it's you.

Of course, it's me, but she doesn't know that.

And she doesn't know that I know.

But I know that she likes him better than she likes me.

See?

She wouldn't even take any money from him.

I think you'd better have a drink.

The world isn't big enough for the two of us.

Lord X is gonna walk down the street and disappear forever.

Nobody's ever gonna see him again.

I didn't want to see him in the first place.

Get my other clothes from the cellar, will you?

Coming up.

Somebody ought to warn him.

He shouldn't flash all that money around here.

He's liable to get hit over the head.

Are you gonna warn him?

Me?

None of my business.

In a way, I'm going to miss you, Your Lordship.

Pull yourself together, old chap, hm?

Stiff upper lip and all that. Cheerio.

One more for the road.

Jojo.

Have you got your blackjack on you?

Sorry.

How about some brass knuckles?

Goodbye, Your bloody Lordship!

I hate to see you go, but c'est la vie, old chap.

I hope you float all the way back to England

and I hope the fish eat your bloody liver!

Hey, police!

Police!

What's the time, Moustache?

Five after eight.

You sure your watch isn't fast?

Maybe, or maybe whoever you're waiting for is slow.

Here you are, baby.

Tomorrow at this time, you'll be chasing peacocks across the lawn.

- Where are you going, anyway? - I'm going to visit my aunt.

Really?

She lives in Brussels. That's Belgium, you know?

Used to be a concert pianist, but runs an orphanage now.

Oh, come on, Irma. You can do better than that.

Is that seat taken?

Yes.

Cafe Au lait and a croissant.

That aunt of yours, could it be she has a beard

and an eye patch, and her name is Lord X?

Because if that's who you're waiting for, he's not gonna show up.

Can't a girl sit here without being annoyed by riffraff?

We get all kinds.

Just a while ago, we had a real live English lord in here.

- He was here? - Left about an hour ago.

Did he say where he was going?

No.

No message, no nothing.

I saw him walking down the street toward the river.

But, we have a date here.

Maybe, he forgot.

Maybe, he changed his mind.

He'll come for me.

He's a gentleman.

Gentleman?

Don't make me laugh.

You know nothing about men.

I know nothing about men?

And you know why? Because you've been with too many.

Thanks a lot.

You think you're such a pro, an expert on love.

You can't even tell when somebody really loves you.

Like who?

- Like me. - Like hell.

You only love that 500 francs, twice a week.

What do I have to do to prove it to you?

Nestor Patou,

I arrest you for the murder of Lord X.

What? The murder of who?

You recognise these clothes?

That's his umbrella...

and his eye patch, and...

- and his solitaire cards. - Thank you, madame.

- Where's the lord? - Somewhere at the bottom of the Seine.

- Oh, no! - That's a lot of nonsense.

There is no Lord X.

Of course there isn't, because you killed him.

I saw the whole thing.

He beat him up, stole his wallet, threw his body in the river.

Oh!

Irma, I--

Wait a minute.

Moustache, tell them.

Yes, that's the lord's.

Oh, he was such a sweet man!

- But, I-- - The old familiar pattern.

Young policeman turns dishonest,

becomes a mec, and finally winds up as a murderer.

It's an open-and-shut case.

Well, you'll just have to reopen it

- because Moustache can prove-- - Shh shh.

My client has nothing more to say at this time.

Your client?

I have a law degree from the University of Grenoble.

Used to be one of the leading criminal attorneys in France

before I was disbarred.

But, that's another story.

- Put the handcuffs on him. - Just a moment.

The accused has a right to confer with his lawyer.

What are you trying to do? Why don't we just tell them the truth?

The truth? That's dynamite.

But, I'm innocent.

The jails are full of innocent people because they told the truth.

What's your defense?

You couldn't have killed Lord X because you were Lord X.

Only you weren't really Lord X, you were a mec.

Only you weren't really a mec, you were working the market at night.

So, you can make 500 francs to pay for making love to your own girl,

whom you could have made love to any night for free,

except that you were too tired from making money

to give to Lord X to give to Irma to give to you.

That's the truth.

And if you tell that mish-mash to a jury,

you're a cinch to get 15 years.

What am I gonna do?

Nothing.

Just put yourself in my hands.

Gentlemen, my client admits his crime.

He does?

I do?

But, let us consider the motive.

Why would a mec kill his girl's best customer?

For 500 francs, when he can get that twice a week every week?

It would be like killing the goose that laid the golden egg.

Or maybe, because they were running away together?

Because he was losing his meal ticket?

That's equally ridiculous.

He's the king around here.

He could have had any girl working for him.

That's right.

So, we are left with only one possible motive:

Jealousy.

He was so much in love with Irma

that he couldn't bear to have any other man touch her.

Yes, Inspector.

It's the old familiar pattern.

Crime of passion.

Nestor...

is that true?

Yes.

You did it because you loved me?

Now you know.

And I'd kill any other man who came near you.

Gets you right here, doesn't it?

Take him away!

Nestor, I love you.

And I'll wait for you, no matter how long it takes.

You won't have to wait very long.

This is France, a civilized country.

L'amour, toujours l'amour.

When the jury hears my summation:

Two people in the gutter reaching for the stars...

they'll cry, they'll cheer...

they'll carry him out of the courtroom on their shoulders.

Hey, Patou!

Patou!

There's a visitor here to see you.

- Oh, it's you. - Shh.

Ooh, you're lucky I can't get my hands on you.

- That's no way to talk to your lawyer. - You're some lawyer.

You were gonna get me off Scot-free. Crime of passion.

And they were gonna carry me out of court on their shoulders.

Well, you can't win them all.

Fifteen years at hard labor, for what?

It's too bad you didn't get sentenced to death.

Because then, I could have had it commuted to life.

And with good behavior, I could've gotten you paroled by Christmas.

But a 15-year sentence, that's neither here nor there.

Never mind that. Tell me about Irma. How is she?

She's fine.

Here, I brought you a little souvenir.

Thanks.

Why doesn't she come to see me anymore? Why, why, why haven't I heard from her?

Well, she doesn't want you to find out.

Find out what? She hasn't gone back on the street again, has she?

Oh, no, no, no. That's all over.

She's still working at the fish market as a cashier.

Well then, what is it? Why, why--? I want to know.

She's expecting.

- Who? - Who do you think?

She's out to here. She's going to have a baby.

A baby? Are you sure?

Well, I'd be greatly disappointed if it were anything else.

When?

Any day now.

Listen, Moustache, I've got to get out of here.

I want to be with her. She needs me.

Here, I brought you another souvenir.

More stockings?

And another.

What--?

And another.

Have you gone mad?

And one more.

What am I gonna do with all of these stockings, hm?

If you don't want them, why don't you throw them out the window.

But first, I would suggest...

that you tie them all together.

What?

You can't park here.

There's something wrong with my motor.

- Nestor! - Shh.

What are you doing here?

- How did you get away? - Give me your hand.

- Did they let you out? - Try this on.

- You escaped, didn't you? - Yeah, uh-huh. Hold still.

Oh darling, why did you do that?

- Now, they'll give you another five years. - I was afraid of that. It's too big.

- What's this? - We're going to be married.

- Married? - You want our child to...

be legitimate, don't you?

Well, yes, of course.

How is the baby?

Full of mischief.

Yesterday, it kicked Coquette right off my lap.

It takes after me.

You know, when I was 6 months old, I could change my own diapers.

Hm.

- Nestor? - Yeah? What is it?

I can't marry you.

Uh-huh. What do you mean, you can't marry me?

Because I love you.

What? You love me, so you can't marry me?

That's right.

Because it isn't our baby.

You're not the father.

I'm not--?

Who's the father? I'll kill him!

You already did.

It was Lord X.

Lord X?

Well, what, what makes you think--?

A woman always knows these things.

I don't care. I'll marry you anyway.

And I'll raise it just as if it were my own child.

They've got the place surrounded.

Maybe, you could go through the kitchen window and over the roof.

No, I prefer the closet.

The closet? That's the first place they'll look.

Open up! Police!

Come on! We know he's in there!

All right, where's Nestor?

Don't you know, he's in jail?

You can visit him there every other Sunday.

Cute, huh?

Let's search the place!

He's not in there.

Not in there.

Not under here.

He's not under here.

Come here, everybody.

This is the man we're looking for.

No sign of him.

No sign of him.

You tell Nestor, he'd better give himself up,

or I see to it that he spends the rest of his life behind bars!

Let's go, men.

What's the matter?

Oh, nothing.

Let's go, men.

Did you hear what he said?

What are you going to do?

Well, the first thing I have to do is exchange the ring.

But, we can't get married now.

You must run. You must hide.

Nonsense. We're gonna have a big church wedding with ushers and...

bridesmaids and flowers.

- Moustache is making all the arrangements. - But, they'll catch you.

They'll lock you away.

- I'm so afraid I'll never see you again. - Don't be afraid.

Maybe, a miracle will happen.

- I don't believe in miracles. - Don't you?

When I first met you, you were a streetwalker.

And now, you're gonna be a wife and a mother.

Isn't that a miracle?

They're just wasting their time looking for him in Irma's apartment.

Don't worry. They'll catch him.

No, they won't. Too much brains.

You mean Nestor's smarter than the whole police force?

No, but I am.

They're up against a mastermind.

Oh.

I bet by now you have him on a boat to South America.

Guess again.

- To Hong Kong? - Nah-uh.

He's right here in town.

You don't say.

It's ordinary common sense.

You've heard about a criminal always returning to the scene of the crime?

- Yes. - That's so obvious.

The police would never think of looking there.

You mean he's hiding under

- the same bridge where he--? - Yeah.

The Pont Royal.

Now look, Hippolyte, if you open up your mouth about this to anyone--

Me? Squeal on a colleague?

There's such a thing as the code of the underworld, you know.

Desk Sergeant.

Connect me with Inspector Lefèvre.

Just tell him I want to squeal on a colleague.

Hey.

You!

I beg your pardon?

You're supposed to be dead, murdered!

Are you quite sure?

I saw it with my own eyes.

Sorry to disappoint you, old boy, but other than a slight headache,

I'm feeling absolutely chapper. I mean chipper.

We've been dragging the river for the last nine months.

Where have you been?

Fair question. Now, let me see.

I haven't the foggiest.

All I can remember is that the climate was rather wet and fishy.

It was quite good.

Now, I trust that clears things up satisfactorily.

So, cheerio, pip pip, and carry on.

Are you all right?

The pains are coming every two minutes now.

Just try to hold on a little longer.

Where's the groom?

Don't worry.

If worse comes to worst, I'll marry you myself.

You look lovely.

Later, later.

Nestor, wilt thou take Irma, here present, for thy lawful wife...

according to the rite of Our Holy Mother the Church?

I will.

Irma, wilt thou take Nestor, here present, for thy lawful husband...

according to the rite of Our Holy Mother the Church?

I will.

- With this ring, I thee wed. - With this ring, I thee wed.

- And I pledge thee my fidelity. - And I pledge thee my fidelity.

Just a minute, Patou.

Oh.

I want to congratulate you. It was a touching ceremony.

Oh, gee, thanks. Awful nice of you fellas to show up.

We're planning a reception for you at the police station.

Oh, can't it wait? My wife is just about to--

Some sort of hoax has been perpetrated, and I intend to get to the bottom of it.

You can't arrest me in a church.

Who said anything about arresting you? I...

I want you to rejoin the police force and help us solve this case.

Rejoin the force? Gee, I'd like that.

Not unless I can have my old job back, at the children's playground?

Children's playground?

- Work for peanuts and jellybeans? - But, I'm crazy about children.

As a matter of fact, I'm about to have one myself.

I just had it.

Excuse me.

It's a girl.

Smoothest delivery I ever had.

She's beautiful.

- You delivered the baby? - Why not?

I used to be Chief Obstetrician in French Equatorial Africa...

under Dr. Schweitzer.

Nestor.

They're not taking you away?

Never. You can call me Officer Patou again.

- What happened? - Not now.

Oh, let me hold her.

Oh, it's gonna be such fun bringing her up.

I'll put her in organdy dresses and pinafores.

Yes.

And I'm gonna get her some green stockings and a puppy.

Yeah... Oh, no.

No green stockings, no puppy.

- No? - No.

Cheery-bye.

But, that's another story.