Original subtitles

[opening theme music playing]

[dramatic music playing]

[Jeremy] With the all-hands-on-deck

harvest frenzy nearly upon us,

I had to work fast to complete all the other projects

I'd started earlier in the farming year.

And so, with the sun continuing

to blaze down from a cloudless sky,

I decided to begin with what I thought

would be the coolest job of them all.

Seven hundred glass bottles.

Helping to set up

our newly-finished water bottling plant.

This is a speed James May would call supersonic.

Like your hat.

[Lisa] Groovy, right?

[Jeremy] I then discovered that housing the bottling plant

in a metal shipping container

hadn't been my best idea.

It's too hot for words.

Okay. Hang on.

Let me just show you how it finishes off.

48.6 degrees at that, at head height.

-Okay, and then... -48.6 degrees.

Okay, look, I'm gonna show you how it kinda works.

There we go. There's two going.

The weight is a little under.

Okay, that one is perfect.

Then you take a cap, Jeremy, okay?

Screw that on, keeping an eye on over yonder.

And then you go to the hot box

and go like that

and then you're just a quick second in here.

-Ooh, is that the labelling? -Yeah, but I haven't--

There's a bit of--

Oh, look, there we go. That worked.

-No, it didn't. You've made a mess.

-I didn't. No, it's perfect.

-[Jeremy] It's not perfect. -[Lisa] No--

[Jeremy] And then I take it off.

[Lisa] Any more bottles?

Okay, I need some more.

Okay, and then, oh... oh, okay, that's not good.

Um, and then, sorry. Je--

[sighs]

In your own time.

There, a bottle.

[Jeremy chuckles]

-49.7 degrees. -[Lisa] It's really hot.

[Jeremy] If it reaches 50 degrees,

we're allowed to go on strike.

-It's hot. -Holy shit!

[pleasant music playing]

[Jeremy] Finally, though, England reverted to type.

[thunder rumbling]

[piano music playing]

The end of the drought

was all anyone in the area could talk about...

I think.

[heavy accent] I don't have to hear about

your one with a bigger... [indistinct]

What have I put me head into here? [chuckling]

Well, you know, I mean, I've done... [indistinct] Yeah.

Excellent. All right, thanks, Gerald.

I went down the side of old Green Wood

on the old electric fence.

I mean, that was, like, you know, for horses.

Okay.

So up there, the guinea pig, two of them there was

and they tried to get out before I could get in the gate

and I thought, "Oh, my God, they will be acting the goat."

Yeah.

[Gerald] Well, not at your age now you wouldn't. [laughs]

[Jeremy] Brilliant. All right. We'll let you get on.

[Gerald] Okey-dokey.

[pleasant music playing]

[Jeremy] I then headed for the farm shop

where Lisa had been hard at work and finding new things to sell.

It's an actual shop.

I know. Smell the strawberries. Aren't they delicious?

No, no, no. Don't eat them.

-Oh, they're so good. -Unless you want to buy them.

And cakes.

[Lisa] Loads of cakes.

Holy cow! It's a proper shop.

Piccalilli, I love piccalilli.

Fruity chutney. God, we've got everything.

Yes. The milkshakes, I've sold,

and they apparently are delicious.

-So, we've got cheese, milkshake...

-[Lisa] Cream.

What's in here? [vocalizing] Oh, my word!

We've had a run on the sausages.

-[Jeremy] Sausages, bacon. -Yeah, yeah. Sausage rolls.

-[Jeremy] Rump steak. -Yep.

[Jeremy] Burgers. God, wait until the camp site.

-You know they're reopening on the fourth?

-Yes.

Can I... Can I just ask?

Simple question.

You know the planning permission

says everything has to come from within 30 miles?

Yes.

That it has to be a local shop for local people?

Yes.

Is this a Cotswold pineapple?

No. No, but I was low on stock.

-Oh, and these avocados. -Yes.

Again, not that local.

No. Well, they came from one of the shires.

-I'm not sure which one. -You know, eating two of these--

They don't come from a shire, they come from South America.

Shire.

Eating two of these does more environmental damage

than driving a Volkswagen Polo for a year.

[Lisa] No way!

That's bad. I'm not gonna stock avocado anymore.

So, apart from those eggs,

okay, there's nothing in here

that I can see which is from our farm.

[Lisa] Well, meet me halfway. Give me anything.

-Grow something, make something. -I am growing things.

Do something. I've nothing in here from you.

[Jeremy] At that moment, His Cheerfulness arrived.

-[Charlie] Hello. -Hey, Charlie.

Charlie.

Wow! This looks absolutely fantastic.

It's good, isn't it?

Well, just 'cause Lisa's done something, you like it?

-[laughs] No. -That's what it is.

It looks... genuinely looks smart, doesn't it?

Uh, how local are the pineapples?

Cotswold pineapples.

Are they really? Avocados?

Cotswold.

[Charlie] And... and what about margins? Have we--

We haven't really done a budget, have we?

I like budget.

-You know how I like-- -[Jeremy] I know.

I like to know that the bottom figure doesn't have...

-I'm working on about 40%. -Okay.

It's 40% on everything?

-[Lisa] More or less. -Okay.

[guitar music playing]

[Jeremy] Ever the gentleman,

Charlie then had a quiet word with me out of Lisa's earshot.

So, just on pricing,

-with a 40% markup... -Yeah.

Wholesale price of strawberries £2.80,

sold for £3.50, 70p.

It's 25%.

That's Lisa's maths.

So we ought to just-- I'm not blaming--

I didn't know.

No, I'm just saying

that they learn differently in Dublin.

-[both chuckle] -Maths.

Well, we just need to check that we've got

appropriate prices for everything.

Okay.

[guitar music playing]

[Jeremy] On the subject of Lisa's plea

for more farm produce,

there was something I could do,

because my quarter of a million bees

had had enough time to make some honey.

Burn, baby, burn!

[coughs]

I'll have no biting from you today.

Here we go.

When I got stung last time I was here,

my foot throbbed for four days.

I mean, really throbbed.

And then itched so violently

I wanted to saw it off, my whole foot.

Here we go. Look at all that bee juice.

Holy Mother of God, that's a lot of honey.

Excellent.

Oh! So exciting.

I've just thought.

[laughs] I'm going to be driving back

and all the loose bees are going to go in the car.

Yeah, not much I can do about that.

Oh, shit!

Oh, Christ!

I've got one in my suit.

How the fucking hell's that happened?

Argh!

And it's stung me right in the arse cheeks.

Oh, this really, this is bad.

Agh!

[thrilling music playing]

Having taken a brave pill,

I stacked up the remaining trays

and set off with my unwanted passengers.

Oh, I can hear them. Listen.

How can it be legal to drive

with a beehive in the back of your car?

Agh, I can feel that buttock growing a third buttock.

Worst journey of my life.

Talk among yourselves.

I am just applying Wasp-Eze to my own arse crack,

'cause the crew won't do it.

I just don't believe this.

A lot of bees there.

[banjo music playing]

With my third buttock now numbed,

I started to sort out my bee juice.

Look at this. Look at that.

A slab of beeswax, which could be used

as furniture polish, floor polish.

Percussionists use it to make tambourines

make a better sound.

It's used in accordions.

Madame Tussauds, they made

all their waxwork models out of beeswax.

The wax, in the olden days,

used to sell for 14 times more money than the honey did.

[blues music playing]

My next task was to extract the honey

using something called a spinner.

Look at this.

The important thing here is to be gentle,

so you get the honey without damaging the honeycombs.

This is all honey down in here. All honey.

Um...

Oh, God, look what's happened here.

But, despite the damage...

Look, look, look, look, look, look!

My first jar of bee juice.

[country music playing]

The next day, with the honey all packaged up,

I picked some of my vegetables.

Look at this.

Whoa! That is vivid.

And then, laden down

with actual produce from my own farm,

I proudly headed to the shop.

[Lisa] Oh, wow!

Right, so that's the first batch of honey.

I've got more coming later. And then...

Oh, wow, how did you do this?

Chard?

Oh, you've brought it in a bag from our closest competition.

Oh, God, I have.

[chuckling] It's a very fine food shop

half a mile down the road.

The honey is fantastic.

How much do you want to sell it for?

Well, I saw in Daylesford the other day,

half that was £20.

Half that?

And it was £20. I think you can easily go...

-£7? -For those-- No, more.

-Really? -Yeah, more.

I've worked bloody hard for that.

I've been stung twice.

I'm not selling it for £7.

£10.

-£8.50. -They stung--

No.

Sorry, are we holding you up?

Sorry, there's a customer.

Then the price issue got even worse.

A lady's just come in.

She said,

"Well, I'll give you £6.50 for it,"

and Lisa said "Fine."

[scoffs]

She just happened to capitalize on an argument

and now she's getting that honey for £6.50.

Yeah. They arrived in this morning.

It's just, this isn't how Asda is run.

They don't ask the customers how much they'd like to pay.

-Yep. -[woman] Do you take cards?

We do. Only cards now.

-[woman] Oh!

-[Lisa] Yes. Um, if you'd like...

[Jeremy] Whilst I was having a sulk,

Kaleb arrived in his new toy.

[engine revving]

Oh, look at this.

That's actually very cool

and I just heard you go by earlier.

Did you? [laughs]

-It does make a good sound. -It's nice, isn't it?

Nice.

So, this was your styling then, the black bonnet, black roof?

Yeah, black bonnet, black roof, black spoiler.

I bought the new spoiler for it.

-I had the windows tinted as well.

-Of course you did.

So, basically, when I bought it, two days after having it,

driving out of Long Com at 60 miles an hour,

this comes up like that, folds over that.

That bit here was bent in.

What, the roof?

Yeah, the roof was about that far from my head in the cab.

-What, just from the bonnet? -From the bonnet.

Why did the bonnet catch give up?

Because apparently it's a thing

you've got to look out for on these.

They rust away.

And this is your first proper car, isn't it?

It's my proper dream. This is my dream car, this,

ever since I was a kid.

-What, you wanted a 350? -A 350.

My only slight concern is this is a GT car.

-A Grand Tourer. -Yeah.

A long-distance car.

But since you never go further than three miles

from where we're standing now...

Yeah.

-Where's the furthest you've been in it?

-Um, Banbury.

-Ooh, 12 miles. -Twelve miles. That's it.

What, and then you got scared?

Then come home.

Also. Are you wearing a hairband?

Yeah. A hairband to keep my hair out of my face.

[Jeremy] Is that because

-you haven't had a haircut for-- -Yeah, for ages.

On the 27th, though, I'm getting it permed.

You're going to drive around in this car with a perm?

Yep.

-Oh, yeah! [chuckles] -Watch out, Chippy! [laughs]

[both giggling]

[country music playing]

[Jeremy] After Vidal Sassoon had left,

I went into the woods to see my wasabi plants,

which I'd decided were now ready to be turned into cash.

Sadly, though, the recent heatwave had taken its toll.

Um, as you can see,

everything I've planted at this end of the bed

has not just died, but totally disappeared.

It's got 27 plants,

which means 73 have died.

This end, where there's still

quite a lot of water coming through,

things aren't too bad, though.

Oh, yes!

Look at him.

Hello, look at the size of him!

The good thing is,

all the restaurants recently re-opened

and the chancellor is even paying people

to go and eat in them,

so I can get that down to London,

get it into some Japanese restaurant

and they'll be amazed.

[whimsical music playing]

Because I was so busy,

obviously I couldn't spare the time to go to London.

But, luckily, I knew just the man for the job.

He'd only been to the capital once, on a school art trip,

and he'd been so scared

he hadn't dared get off the coach.

But he's all grown up now and, at the very least,

I figured the trip would give him

an opportunity to drive his new car.

But no.

A few things you're gonna need to know.

Have you got your ULEV?

What's that?

Ultra-low emission.

That diesel engine was made before 2015, yeah?

Yeah.

So, you're gonna need to pay that congestion charge.

You're gonna need at least 15 apps for your parking,

for all the different companies.

And every single thing you can do in the countryside

you can't do in London.

If you get stabbed, right, they won't have that on CCTV.

You make a cheeky left, they will.

How the fuck do I pay

an ingestion charge and stuff like that?

-What is that about? -You make a call.

I can't just-- Why can't I...

But don't make a call while you're driving.

Why would you do that, then?

Or you can do it on an app,

and the ULEV as well. Don't forget that.

It's about 28 quid to drive into London in this.

Well, it's free round here.

Yes, I know everything's free around here.

Every single thing

you can do around here, everything,

you can't do in London.

I think we've got the jobs a little bit wrong today.

Go to London, sell wasabi.

Don't take less than £300

and I'll see you back here tonight.

-£300 per kg? -Yeah.

-All right. -It's valuable.

See you tonight.

Yeah.

[Jeremy] He's genuinely nervous.

[GPS chimes]

[automated female voice] In 100 yards,

turn left onto Church Road.

This route avoids congestion on A40 in London.

You are on the fastest route. You will arrive at 9:29 a.m.

What?

There ain't congest-- congestion. I'm in Chadlington.

-[GPS chimes] -One mile.

One mile for what?

All right, here we go.

I am officially leaving Chadlington.

My palms are really sweaty.

Like, really sweaty.

Going on the motorway? Eh?

Right, here we go.

-[GPS chimes]

-Continue on the M40 for 27 miles.

M40 for 27 miles?

Jeez!

[Jeremy] If Kaleb thought things were

bad for him, they were worse for me...

[country music playing]

...as this is the time of year

when farmers apply for their grants.

This meant I had to tell the government

exactly what I was growing.

That meant paperwork.

I've been looking forward to today,

'cause I love form-filling.

Yeah, yeah, it's quite

a useful few hours, because, um...

Hours?

-Yeah. -[Jeremy] So, this form...

Yeah.

...which is hundreds of pages long...

[Charlie] It's 22 pages long.

I've got better things to do with my time than this.

-But it's... We've got-- -How much do they pay?

Because whatever it is,

I'd rather pay it myself than fill in a form.

Really?

-360 hectares you have... -Yeah.

...and they'll pay you £220. So that's £82,000.

Right, I'll fill in the form.

So, the first thing we'll need

is a farm map. So, there's the map.

And there are certain codes.

So, you see that that there says...

-[Jeremy] AC66. -So that's wheat.

Why is it wheat?

Because that's the code for wheat, Jeremy.

-What's AC17? -Maize.

-What's PG01? -Permanent grass.

-What's WO25? -Those are woodlands.

Have you ever flown into a really, sort of,

let's say developing world country

and they give you a massively complicated immigration form?

-Burma, for example. -No.

And you know when you fill this in, which takes an hour...

or Cambodia... they put it in the bin.

That's what going-- We are--

This is developing world nonsense, this is.

So...

[Jeremy] Right, so there's how many fields

on the farm? I've forgotten.

Uh, there's about 42. So, there's Dead Man.

-Yeah. -So...

-So, we have to go... -That's got wheat in it.

Yes, but it's got last year's crop in it at the moment,

which was oil seed rape. So, we have to go through this.

But it's got wheat in it.

Yes, but as far as the government are concerned...

Well, it hasn't. It's got--

I know it's got wheat in it. I've seen it.

They don't know that yet.

You have to be accurate, Jeremy, about...

[marching band music playing]

[Jeremy] Meanwhile, 70 miles away,

Sir Ranulph had finally arrived

in the center of a COVID-quiet London.

Not that he saw it that way.

[sirens blaring]

Where am I?

In there, in here? What is going on?

[GPS chimes]

[automated female voice] In 100 yards,

use the second from the left lane

to turn left onto Piccadilly.

Then use the second from the left lane

to turn slightly right onto Duke of Wellington Place.

What? No, not a chance in hell. I'm going straight on.

-[GPS chimes] -At the roundabout turn left.

Turn left onto Constitution Hill.

-[GPS chimes]

-Take the first left on the roundabout.

I don't understand. Don't keep telling me to turn left!

-[GPS chimes]

-Turn right into Grosvenor Place.

-[horn honking] -What are you beeping me at?

Dickhead!

Hello. Just cut right in front of me, why don't you?

-[GPS chimes] -From the right lane,

turn slightly right onto Piccadilly,

then use the left two lanes

to turn left to stay on Piccadilly.

What? No, no, no, no. I need to go there.

[horn honks]

Sorry, friend.

Congestion charge. Jesus!

Ultra-low.

-[GPS chimes] -Turn left onto Old Park Lane.

Great. No left turning. Ah, you're fucking having me on!

I'm meant to go left down there. I've got to go left here.

I am looking for a restaurant called Nero.

Nero, Naro,

Nero, Noro, Naro.

[Jeremy] Eventually, Kaleb found

the restaurant he was looking for.

All right, where do I park? Come on, park.

Pay by phone.

027125.

[recorded male voice] Sorry.

We're unable to park you in this location

as its restrictions do not allow your vehicle type.

Please look for alternative parking locations nearby.

Thank you for calling

Westminster's pay-to-park service.

To find out more available ways to pay,

change your card or vehicle details...

What is going on?

...or download VAT receipts.

Please visit www...

[marching band music playing]

Enter your card's expiry date

exactly as printed on the front of the card.

To find out more about alternative ways to pay,

change your card or vehicle details or...

Shut up.

Right.

That's that done.

Ten quid just to park here for an hour.

Hello.

[director] What are you doing?

[Kaleb] Trying to open the door.

[director] Why?

I haven't got any gloves and it's London.

How are you doing? Are you all right?

I've got some wasabi for you...

-Oh, la, la, la, la, la. -...off the farm.

Yep.

So...

-[Kaleb] Jesus!

-[chef] Have you tried your wasabi?

-To eat? -Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nice.

I like it. I didn't have it on any fish, mind.

I had it on, like, a ready salted crisp.

Yeah.

I'm more like a roast dinner chap, you know?

-Mm-hmm. -A proper roast dinner.

Well, we try, yeah, your wasabi.

Nice, like, creamy. I can smell.

Nice one, nice one. Very good, very good.

And do you want to buy the wasabi?

Are you interested in--

Not too much. Not too much.

If you look at it, though,

it's top-quality Chadlington wasabi, that.

Quality good, right.

But the wastage, there's so

much wastage because of the size.

[Kaleb] Yeah.

[chef] So, we need to have, like, a bigger

size, otherwise, like, too much.

-Too much waste? -[chef] Yeah.

Ah, right. Okey-dokey.

-Well, thank you very much for everything.

-Thank you very much.

-I'll try my best to grow a bigger one.

-Good stuff.

Oh, no!

Sixty-five quid?

Full charge 130 quid?

Oh!

[country music playing]

[Jeremy] With Kaleb

losing the profits he hadn't made,

I was busy regretting planting so many different vegetables.

Broad beans, beetroots, chard, peas, swede,

kohlrabi, turnip, cabbage, leeks, pak choi,

rhubarb, broccoli, cauliflower, kale and marrow.

Yeah. Now, the government has a code,

obviously, for all of those.

-Yeah. -Broad beans has got a code?

Broad beans has a code.

-I have to look those codes up. -Yeah, look them up.

And then tell them exactly how much.

What do they want it, in centimeters?

-Square meters will be fine. -Square meters.

You've got to do it to four decimal places.

If you see, we've got four decimal places.

They want it to with-- They want it that tight?

Yeah, it's very accurate now.

Can't you just write vegetables? Can we guess?

There isn't just--

Uh, you could, but then if you're wrong,

they might implement a penalty,

and, you know,

they have got eyes in the sky now,

so, you know, there's satellite images.

Are you telling me

the British government

is photographing my farm from space

to see what I'm growing and doing with it?

Absolutely.

[marching band music playing]

[Jeremy] Desperate to make some money from the trip,

Sir Ranulph, aided by his chatty satnav...

[automated female voice] Harley Street, then turn left onto...

[Jeremy] ...was now looking for the next restaurant.

[automated female voice] Turn left onto

Curzon Street, then turn...

Head southeast on Stanhope Row towards Shepherd Street,

then turn right onto Hertford Street.

[Kaleb] Oh, my God!

[GPS chimes]

Turn left onto The Mall.

Oh, look at that.

Is that where the Queen lives, in there?

[Jeremy] At the next restaurant...

What have you got to offer?

This is the wasabi

that's grown on the farm in Chadlington.

-Do you know where Chadlington is?

-Chipping Norton? -No.

[Jeremy] Kaleb was in full salesman mode.

I've been told, come away from my boss, £300 a kg.

£300 a kg? You're dreaming, mate.

Let's have a look here and see

what you've actually managed to produce, eh?

-[Kaleb] Yeah, let's have a look.

-So, there you go.

204 grams.

Really, if you're gonna clean it down

you've probably got more like 150 grams, let's be honest.

Yeah, all right. 150 grams.

-What's that? A tenner? -Eh?

I'll give you ten quid for it, mate. That's a good deal.

I reckon we do a deal. Go £15.

-I'll give you ten, mate. -Twelve.

Ten it is.

Okay, deal.

It just cost me £10 to park.

There you go. You pay your parking for free.

[GPS chimes]

[automated female voice] In 200 yards, turn left onto

Lancaster Place. A301.

Uh, we are off to the Shard now.

Something called the Shard.

I want to get in there, get it sold, get out of there, go home.

I've had enough.

[Jeremy] This is probably a good time to reveal

that the only thing Kaleb hates more than cities is heights.

Oh, don't tell me that's the Shard. You are winding me up.

Oh, Jesus!

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus!

[elevator beeping]

Oh! Don't look at the levels,

don't look at the levels, don't look at the levels.

[automated female voice] 32nd floor.

[groans]

That's horrible.

-Doors open. -[groans]

[Jeremy] Still, at least the trip was completely pointless.

£25, 100 grams.

-Let me digest that and I'll-- -[Kaleb] Yeah?

Yeah, I'll give you a call.

-You're sure you don't want to buy it now?

-Unfortunately, not now, no.

Shit! Okey-dokey. Cheers.

-[cell phone rings] -Mum.

Hello. My signal is bad.

I'm up the Shard.

Ever heard of it?

It's like a big building in London. It's not very good.

It's like 1,000 feet up in the air.

Look, I've got to go, all right?

-[director] Who was that, Kaleb? -That was my mum.

She was worried about me.

[chuckles]

She's seen me on the family map thing and said,

"Why are you in London?" I'm like, "I'm up the Shard."

She goes, "Where?" "The Shard in London."

I must admit, it's quite a nice view, actually.

It would be better if there was, like, a farm, fields, hills.

-[director] Are you all right? -No, not really.

Today I have made...

nothing.

[gospel music playing]

[Jeremy] After Kaleb's failure to sell the wasabi in London,

we put it in the farm shop...

where it rotted.

And that wasn't the end of the bad news.

God above!

Because Lisa's definition of local produce

had come to the attention of the authorities.

I've had an annoying email from the council

which says that, um,

the stuff we sell in the farm shop

has to be from a producer

based solely within

West Oxfordshire's district boundaries

and they're saying that some of the pâté

and cheese and what-have-you

is from Gloucestershire.

I mean, there's a pandemic going on.

Millions of people are unemployed.

We have a little business that

now has five people on the payroll,

we're supporting local farms and local businesses

and now we have to have

an enforcement case opened on us.

I mean, God, give me strength!

[country music playing]

Fortunately, I had already had a genius idea

for making the produce very local.

All right. I put the bee honeycomb stuff.

I'd decided to turn my spare beeswax into scented candles.

Oh!

Taking my inspiration for the scent from a Hollywood A-lister.

What do you think of that?

[gasps]

And not just lavender.

A spring onion.

Just a hint of broad bean.

And there we are.

Let that set.

At the shop, Lisa was delighted with the results.

You cannot label that "This smells like my bollocks."

You just can't.

Gwyneth Paltrow has made a fortune

from her candles which smell like her...

[mouthing] vagina.

Do you think these will sell more

because it smells like your bollocks?

[Jeremy] I've also-- Look, "These beeswax scented candles

were handmade by Jeremy Clarkson.

You'd never know it, but it's true,"

and I've signed it to prove I made them.

[country music playing]

Meanwhile, down at the trout pond,

Kaleb, now safely back in his natural habitat,

was busy protecting another source of revenue.

[Kaleb] I am putting a fence up. An electric fence up.

We've seen a couple of dead fish on the side.

Oh, poor fishy. It's got some puncture wounds on it.

So, Jeremy put a trap camera down here

to see what was causing the fish to die.

Turned out there was an otter.

So, I'm putting up an electric fence

around the outside of the pond where the fish are,

to try and stop that otter getting in.

But we've also had to put this up because

the heron keeps coming in.

That's another thing that will take a fish.

So, I've had to put this fence up,

put the owl up to try and scare the heron away...

[grunts]

and put a metal man up

to try and deter him as well.

There's a lot of work in fish.

[country music playing]

[Jeremy] A week later, my local pub

agreed to put our trout on its menu.

So, I went down to the pond with a net,

feeling weirdly conflicted.

-The only reason this fence is here...

-Yeah.

...is to stop the otter eating the fish,

so we can sell them to rich people in the pub.

[Lisa] Yeah.

The whole point of this was wilding.

[Jeremy] I then decided I didn't really care about that,

so we got to work.

[whispering] You throw some food in.

-[whispering] Put the food in first?

-Yeah.

Yeah.

Then I'll be ready to pounce with the net.

Fish, fish, fish, fish.

You can't call them. They're not like dogs.

Well, I do normally.

[Jeremy] Right. You can see where my net's gonna go in?

-Yeah.

-That's where you've got to chuck it.

I need to get them food first. Fish, fish.

No. Fish, please, please.

-Will you just put it where the net is?

-Okay, fine. There.

-Thank you. -See, they know you're there.

They don't-- They're not Stephen Hawking.

Shit!

[sighs]

-Ready? -No.

Steady and go.

-[Lisa] Oh, dear, I think I've got some.

-Oh, well done.

[Lisa] Oh, my God! Yeah, I've got like...

[Jeremy] Quickly, in the bucket, before they do dying.

[Lisa] ...eight. Oh!

[country music playing]

[Jeremy] Thanks to my accuracy with the fish food,

Lisa had landed a good catch.

[Lisa] That's awesome. My God, they just look delicious.

Now we've got to get them to the pub.

Come on, because it's lunchtime in a minute.

Okay.

They've got to go in there and then, hilariously,

the law of England says they have to be oxygenated.

So, I have to have an oxygen tank

to keep the water oxygenated

for the, what is it, six-minute journey,

seven-minute journey to the pub

where they're going to be killed.

Right.

[country music playing]

Very steep. Sorry about this, fishes.

Come on, car. You know you can do it.

You know you want to do it.

Delivered fish before, of course, in, um, Mozambique.

That went well.

All right, it's heavy.

Vincent, look what I've got.

Wow!

[Jeremy] Just caught them a minute ago.

-Trout. -Baby trout?

Well, you say that. Succulent.

That's the one. That's got the--

you can just turn him over.

That's where the heron's beak nearly got him,

so he's a lucky fish.

[man laughs] Not for long, not for long.

[Jeremy] And they're two quid each.

-Let's get them inside then. All right.

-All right, you do that.

-Yeah. -All right, chaps. Bye, fish.

Yeah, take care.

[banjo music playing]

[Jeremy] As June ended, my new farm projects

were starting to tick over quite nicely.

-Hello. How are you? -Hello. I'm good. You?

Good, good. Fine, thanks.

Super. I've got some bags here.

[Jeremy] Thanks to a brief respite from lockdown,

more people were visiting the farm shop.

[Lisa] It's really good to be finally open.

[Jeremy] And the pub had more customers for our trout.

[dramatic music playing]

However, these ventures were all sideshows

compared to the main event.

The engine room of the farm.

The crops.

Which had been in the ground now for eight months.

[dramatic music playing]

For most of that time,

nature had been a vindictive bastard.

But somehow, the barley wasn't all completely ruined.

[Charlie] Actually, it looks okay. It looks pretty good.

Given the year it's had, you know, it was late drilled.

-Very late. -Really wet.

Very wet.

Really dry.

Then it was very hot.

And actually, you know, it's a perfectly good crop of barley.

[Jeremy] Charlie then announced that harvesting was imminent.

Probably four or five, five or six days away.

-There's a bit of green on the stem.

-Oh, really?

Yeah. This is the worst bit. The middle.

The rest of it is pretty ready.

-Really? -Yeah.

[country music playing]

[Jeremy] We then moved onto the next crop.

[Charlie] So, this is oil seed rape, as you well know.

[Jeremy] Yes.

[Charlie] And these are the oil seed. They come out of the pods

and they should be nice and black all over.

Mmm, it's a few days.

It's probably a good ten days away yet.

-Ten days? -Ten days.

-And then we can harvest it? -Then we can harvest it.

Excellent. So, is there

anything else left to do with this?

Kill it, to make sure it's dead.

I'm sorry?

Well, I know it sounds a little bizarre.

The rape is dying naturally and the top is ready,

but the bottom is still very much alive.

But you're saying you want to kill off

the living bit of the oil seed rape?

-The living bit of the oil seed rape.

-Why?

Because it will,

it just makes it easier to cut the crop.

So, what does a combine do? It comes on, cuts it there.

It cuts that, so that'll, you know, the knife.

Right, which could do that.

Or do you want it-- Is it easier when it's dead?

-It's easier, much easier when it's dead.

-Okay.

[Charlie] Much, much easier when it's dead.

And we're not killing the seeds, because the seed's encapsulated.

[Jeremy] So we just drive a harvester through it?

Yeah. Have you got one?

-No. We're gonna rent one. -Very good.

-So, you've got a contractor coming in?

-Yep.

-A few things to be wary. -Yeah.

Moisture.

-Moisture? -Moisture.

It needs to be between six and nine percent.

So, moisture is the main thing

and the contractor will possibly want to just say,

"Oh, it's only ten and a half percent,

we'll come and combine,"

and you say "No."

I said you say...

You say?

-I won't be here. -Can you imagine-- Can you--

What do you mean, you won't be here?

-I'm going on holiday. -What?

Well, you'll be fine.

You don't need me by then. You'll be fine.

-I do need you. -You'll be fine.

Hold on a minute.

All this and then it comes to harvest...

[laughs]

I'm no use. Like, what do you want me for?

Well, how am I gonna be able to tell

whether that's got three

percent moisture or 17 percent?

Well, you put it in your moisture meter.

Is there a moisture-o-meter for that?

-Have you not got a moisture meter?

-No.

Ah.

Oh, God!

[dramatic music playing]

[Jeremy] My first harvest.

This is so much harder.

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!

Wait, wait! Whoa!

[indistinct]

[Jeremy] I have no idea.

Twenty lorries you should have organized.

Twenty lorries?

Twenty lorries. And it's gonna rain tonight.

You've fucked up.

[music playing]