Original subtitles

This is a fine pickle-dilly.

Fifteen years I been running these pictures,

and now, all of a sudden, I got to be an actor.

* I once had a vision of heaven *

* And you were there...

* Hellzapoppin'!

* Old Satan's on a tear Hellzapoppin'! *

* They're screaming everywhere *

* Shades of inferno and vaudeville *

* Anything can happen and it probably will *

* Hellzapoppin'!

* And there's a rumor now

* You'll be needing your sense of humor now *

* How it will wind up no one can tell *

* But hellzapoppin' like...

* Hellzapoppin'!

* Da ya, da ya, da ya

* Hellzapoppin'!

* They're screaming everywhere *

* Shades of inferno and vaudeville *

* Anything can happen and it probably will *

* Hellzapoppin'!

* Da, da, da-do, da, da-do *

- * You'll be needing your sense of humor now *

* How it will wind up no one can tell *

* But hellzapoppin' like...

Ooh! Ooh!

- Calling all devils. - Calling all devils.

Stop being so wasteful.

We have lost our priorities on fire and brimstone.

That is all.

Okay, boys! Can him up!

Send up to the warehouse for more blondes!

We're running low!

Bring up some more heat.

- Stand back, everybody. - Stand back.

Here come our prize guests.

That's the first taxi driver that ever went straight where I told him to.

- Next time you say that, smile. - Yeah.

What are you afraid of? Remember, you're head man here.

Say, that's right. I am.

Here, Jeeves. Who are you?

U.S. Secret Service, 2-5-2-6-6.

- What number? - 2-5-2-6-6.

Holy smoke, I've been drafted.

Let me go!

Let me go!

Please! Please! Let me go back to my little baby.

- What are you talking about? - My little Junior.

Mommy!

Oh, Mama!

Oh, Mommy!

They struck oil.

Hey! What about that fare?

- Who was that? - "What about that fare" is what I said!

What?

You heard me!

- Wait a minute! - What are you gonna do, give us a bill--

Hey, now, wait a minute! You can't give us a bill

for riding around just a block like that.

We've ridden in yellow taxicabs all over the country.

Do you think we're gonna pay that? Give him the works.

What's this?

Whoa!

What happened?

Pardon me just a moment, folks.

Hey, operator! Hey, you up there running this film.

I'd like to see that last part over again.

Oh, he can't do that, he's working for the theater.

The management won't let him do it. What's the matter-- Are you crazy or something?

He'll do it for us. I got him the job!

That's Cousin Louis.

Toots, every time I see you, I get hot and cold at the same time.

Give me your lips, will you, Toots?

I will not.

Louis. Louis!

Rewind the film!

- Aw, come on. - Louis!

We've been keeping steady company now for two days, haven't we?

Hey, Louis!

Don't go away.

Rewind this film, will you?

What's the matter with you guys? Don't you know

you can't talk to me and the audience?

Well, we're doing it, aren't we?

Yes, folks.

This is Hellzapoppin'!

Come on, Louis, make it snappy.

This is screwy. The actors out there talking to me up here.

Okay, Louis!

Who was that? Give him the works.

Get away!

- They're off! - Last Chance, first.

Second Honeymoon, third. Henry the Eighth, fourth.

Anaconda Copper-- 87 and 3/4, down a point.

Let me go! I can't stand it! I can't stand it!

I can't stand it any longer!

- You can't stand what? - This!

And cut! Hold the cameras.

Save the steam, save the flame.

- This is impossible. - What's the matter?

- We can't shoot this kind of stuff. - Why not?

This is Hellzapoppin'!

Chickens, horses, Tic-Tac-Toe.

Pictures are different. You got to have a story!

Story! Crazy. Come on.

Just a minute, please, just a minute. Pardon me.

May I please have your autograph? You know, you're my favorite actors.

Oscar always takes me to see your pictures. We just adore them.

- Well, thank you. - Who are they?

Why, Olsen and Johnson.

Olsen-- Olsen and Johnson!

Oscar!

Now, listen, fellas. We got to have a story. A love story.

- Why? - Why? I'll tell you why.

Because we got to have one! Because every picture has one!

Hey! Just a minute.

Take it easy, bud!

- Who is he? - My bodyguard.

- Take it easy! - Oh!

Telephone for Mr. Olsen.

Hello?

Who? The chambermaid?

It's for you.

Hello? Yeah.

That's bad.

That's good.

That's good.

- That's bad. - Hey.

- That's good. - Hey.

- That's good. - Hey!

- That's bad! - Hey, what are you doing?

- That-- What? - What are you doing?

I'm helping her sort a box of strawberries.

Mrs. Jones! Mrs. Jones!

Now, what do you want?

I've got to deliver this plant to Mrs. Jones.

- Mrs. Jones! - Look here, my friend,

we're making a motion picture here.

That's a matter of opinion. Mrs. Jones!

Ole, Chic, listen.

We've had a writer working on a love story.

Won't you at least talk to him?

Come on.

You can't tell me you have to have a love story.

Would I give you a bum steer?

Oscar!

Hey, I've been a director for 15 years and I never did a picture without a story.

There never has been a picture without a story.

There never will be a picture without a story!

Gentlemen, gentlemen. May I take your picture?

- What? - May I take your picture?

- Sure! - Go ahead.

Oh, thanks!

Boys, put your careers in the palm of my hand.

Oscar! Oscar!

Will someone stop that woman from yelling "Oscar"?

Oscar!

Will someone please stop that woman from yelling "Oscar"?

Oscar.

Thank you. Thank you, very much.

Boys, I'll mold you into great artists.

You don't have to mold us. We're very happy the way we are.

Yeah, we think we look fine. Give us a chance and we'll make you the best director--

- I am the best director! - Now, wait a minute.

I thought they burnt that.

All right, Selby. Up on your feet.

This is Mr. Olsen and Mr. Johnson.

- How are you, Selby? - I didn't hear your first name.

- Harry. - What?

Harry.

Well, you've got to speak louder. I can't hear you.

Harry!

Yes, he's a little weak. The doctor's got him on a soup diet.

- Soup diet? - Yes, he told me to eat three plates a day.

Three plates a day?

Ha! You ought to be feeling swell.

Oscar!

- Oscar! - Be right back.

Joe, Harry, Willy! Where are all my assistants around here?

Now, look, Selby. You seem like a bright young man.

- How old are you? - Twenty-three.

Twenty-three. Well, that's a patriotic age.

Uncle Sam needs young men like you.

- I presume you're ambitious. - Oh, yes.

That's fine. What would you like to be?

Twenty-nine.

Say, fella. How much would you charge to haunt a house?

How many rooms?

Okay, boys. Okay, no more interruptions.

Mrs. Jones! Mrs. Jones!

- Mrs. Jones! - Oscar!

Oscar!

How much longer do I have to put up with this?

Until we finish this picture!

How long?

Until we finish this picture!

Oh, no!

Okay, send for another cameraman.

All right, boys. Grab a couple chairs and sit down.

I'm gonna tell you this story if I have to hire people to listen.

It's a picture about a picture about Hellzapoppin'.

It's a great script. Feel how much it weighs.

Listen, buddy. For three years

we did Hellzapoppin' on Broadway.

And that's the way we want it on the screen.

This is Hollywood. We change everything here. We got to.

Why?

Listen to the story!

It's all about a young fella named Woody Tyler.

That's Woody Tyler. He's very rich.

Wait till he pays his income tax.

Now, Woody's in love with Kitty Rand.

That's Kitty Rand, also very rich.

Well, that solves everything.

Ah, that's what everyone thinks.

But does she love Woody?

No.

Right! Great story mind.

Whom does she love?

- Oscar! - Oscar, yes-- No!

She's in love with your playwright friend, Jeff.

- That's Jeff. - Hi, Jeff.

Hi, Ole.

Does Jeff love Kitty?

Now, our story starts at Kitty Rand's home on Long Island.

Come over here and I'll show you a picture of it.

Here's a picture of the Rand estate, where our story takes place.

Snazzy-looking joint, isn't it?

- There's a long line of limousines. Oh, a funeral, huh?

No, no. It's the guests arriving for the weekend party.

Kitty's arranged a Red Cross benefit.

That's a nice idea. - No, it's a plot to keep Jeff near her.

That's why they're putting on a show.

Not another picture with a show in it. Puh-lease!

This one's important. Jeff's been trying to sell it

to a Broadway producer for months.

How could you stage a show right here on the grass?

Oh, no. Not on the grass.

In our big outdoor theater back of the greenhouse.

We Rands are disgustingly rich.

But why a theater?

Oh, I've wanted to be an actress

ever since I was knee-high to a footlight.

Yes, and she's got a beautiful voice, too.

Thanks!

You're welcome.

Nice-looking couple. Why doesn't Jeff marry her?

- He doesn't want to marry for money. Huh?

He isn't giving in to love

until he makes good on his own.

- That's movies! - That's crazy.

That's movies!

- Who are they? - Fibber McGee and Molly.

No, they're Kitty's parents.

They know Kitty's kind of stuck on Jeff and they don't like it.

They want her to marry Woody.

Where is this mug Woody?

Let's follow Kitty's parents and find out.

- No, he's not here. - Let's look on the terrace.

You look on the terrace. We'll stay right here.

Ah, there's our man.

So, you took us away from her to meet him?

Hey, Woody, get up. Get up, Woody.

Come on, Woody, get up there. Come on, Woody, Get up.

Kitty's looking for you. She's on the terrace.

Better get over there before your pal, Jeff, steals her away.

There he goes. Now, see, Kitty wants to get rid of him.

She's asking him to take up that suitcase. That's just a stall.

Jeff's offering to take it up, huh?

Yeah. Determined to leave the road clear for his friend, Woody.

Oh, Jeff. Hey, Jeff. Can't you hear us, Jeff?

Let the big dope take the suitcase.

- You're not the butler. - You know the girl loves you.

Don't do it.

Jeff, don't do it... Aww!

- Glad to see me, Kitty? - What do you think?

Now here comes a guest you may recognize.

Prince Pepi.

Prince Pepi! That's Mischa Auer.

- He looks like a phony. - Right? He is a phony, a chiseler.

He hasn't a penny in his pocket.

Try the inside pocket.

They know he's a phony, but they don't mind.

They think he's cute. Now watch this.

See, he's gonna flip the driver for it.

You know who's gonna win.

See, what did I tell ya?

Why, the cheap four flusher.

What's that load of junk?

Those are the properties for Jeff's show.

Who are those two silly-looking...

Hey, wait a minute. How did we get to Long Island?

You're two prop men who live in the same boardinghouse as Jeff.

You're helping him put on the show.

- Who's driving? - You'll find out in a minute,

and will you be sorry you asked.

- Say, isn't there any sound in this picture? - Sure. Listen.

It's Chic and Ole.

I knew I could count on them.

Say, they're really your pals, aren't they?

They sure are.

- Hiya, boys. - Hiya, Jeff.

Hi, Kitty. Look at all this stuff we got.

With the few bucks I gave you?

Certainly. Here's your money back.

We kinda borrowed the stuff.

- Temporarily-like. - I get it.

Yoo-hoo!

Don't tell me you brought her.

Aw, the kid sister's all right.

- She won't make any trouble this time. - I'll make sure.

Whoo-hoo!

- Hello, Betty. - Hi, Jeff.

Hey, did you get a gander at those good-looking he-men around here?

I don't need to look any further.

Are you kiddin'? That's not for me.

I go in for mass production.

Now wait a minute. Do you remember

what happened at the last party?

Can I help the animal in me?

Come on, Betty, I'll show you the theater and the swimming pool--

Just show me the men. I'll ad-lib from there on.

Uh-oh.

It really isn't stealing, Ole, if we take it back.

Say, look here, you.

If it's not asking too much,

would you mind getting this truck off my lawn?

Truck off the lawn? Sure. Hold this.

What do you wanna do, melt that?

Put it in the shade.

Right over there to one side.

Pardon me, ma'am.

Scene ten, sculptor's studio.

Right there.

Hey, Shorty, hold these.

Hey, Shorty, take this.

Okay, Shorty.

- Ole. - Yeah.

Scene 15, balloon number.

There.

Oh, pardon me, ma'am.

Police, that's what I need.

Here. You don't want the police.

You want me...

Why do I want you?

Master of disguises.

Mysterious. Watch.

I've seen enough.

Psst.

Marvelous.

How do you like it?

Stupendous. Say, who are you anyway?

Private detective. My card here.

My card here.

Crimes committed... I mean solved, while you wait.

Are you sure you can cope with the situation?

Oh, yeah, just as smooth as ice. Everything will be grand.

All right, see that nothing happens to spoil the pleasure

of our guests, and above all,

see that nothing happens to the show tomorrow night.

Kitty's got her heart set on making a huge success of it.

Hey, hey, hey.

- Forgot your ice cube. - Oh, thank you.

That's a funny habit, carrying ice cubes around

in your pocket.

Oh, hello. Have we met before someplace?

Face looks kind of familiar.

More coffee?

Your Highness!

Get up, you fool. Hurry up, get up!

You want they should find out I'm not a phony?

But, Your Highness--

If they find out I'm not a phony, they are no longer amused.

No longer amused, they are no longer interested.

No longer interested, no longer money.

No longer money, I'm just like you,

Count Alexander Alexandrovich Alexandrovsky--

a poor slob.

Look, Betty, how would you like to meet

a real, honest-to-goodness nobleman?

You mean one of those hand-kissers?

Oh, no, that's not for me.

But that's just a preliminary.

He's got titles up to here.

Well, just so they reach around me, that's all I care about.

There he is now.

- Oh, Jeff. - Yeah.

Not that I'm a fortune hunter or anything,

but I understand there's a lot of wealthy heiresses on the loose here today.

You know, girls with beautiful figures

in the bank.

They tell me Gloria Van Dearborn's looking for a new title.

Would you be kind enough to locate her and introduce me?

See, I'm in the mood to make rich girls happy.

Sure.

Here. You came with those people

that gave me that ice; now give it back to 'em.

Kitty, I want to speak to you, alone.

There's Gloria now.

Point her out to me.

It's not proper to point, Pepi.

She's the girl loaded down with the ice.

The girl with all the ice, huh?

That's right.

Oh, well. What I have to do for money.

You look lovely today with your ice.

You know me?

Everyone knows you but me.

Oh.

Can we go somewhere and talk?

Gee whiz.

At last.

Someone who wants to talk first.

Shall we step in there?

Shall we? Oh, boy!

Cozy, isn't it?

I kiss your hand, madam.

We just did that.

Remember, I have a face, too.

Oh, even to a Van Dearborn, I'm fascinating.

Say, what is this Van Dearborn business?

You are not Gloria Van Dearborn?

Are you kiddin'?

198th Street, the Bronx, that's me.

No, no, no, no!

- Yes, yes, yes, yes. - No, no, no!

Say, did you see a Volga boatman go by here.

Did he have an outboard motor on him?

That's right... What outboard motor?

No, he's tall, dark, and handsome.

I think he's gonna be in love with me. Says so on my palm.

Oh, that's an ant.

* All my life, I've been waiting *

* For the right one to appear *

* Someone to sweep me right off my feet *

* And whisper sweet nothings in my ear *

* Then you came along

* And I was glad

* But now I'm getting mad *

* Love's supposed to thrill not bore us *

* But you're as dead as a dinosaurus *

* What kind of love is this? *

* Frankly, I don't get it

* If this is all romance is *

* We might as well forget it *

* The hints that I throw at you *

* Would explode wet dynamite *

* But you're as cold as a bronze statue *

* Oh, you don't love right

* What kind of love is this? *

* Frankly, I'm disgusted

* For all the good my heart is *

* It might as well be busted *

* I don't know what our romance seems to lack *

* But when I love you, you don't love back *

* I can't even get one little kiss *

* What kind of love is this?

* What kind of love is this? *

* Frankly, I'm disgusted

* For all the good my heart is *

* It might as well be busted *

* I don't know what our romance seems to lack *

* But when I love, you don't love back *

* I can't even get one little kiss *

* What kind of love is this?

One trunk, one dress form,

one tuba.

Hey, buddy, bring me a pitcher of ice water

and a menu.

Oh, boy, we've got everything but the kitchen sink.

One sink.

Did you bring the moon?

Moon.

- Snow. - Snow.

One canary.

Kitty, kitty, kitty.

Hey, where's the canary?

In the cat.

Let's see, act one, scene two.

On the table is King Tut's skull.

Did you get King Tut's skull?

- There. - Check.

What's that?

That's King Tut when he was a little boy.

Check.

Good morning,

ladies and gentlemen of the radio audience.

- How do you do? - How do you do?

Are you bothered with corns and bunions?

Oh, yes, a lot. Very, very badly.

Thanks for asking me anyhow.

I'll call the police if you don't stop following me.

Who me?

Oh, brother, you'd better see your dentist at least twice a year.

My nobleman!

Whoa!

Say, you.

Say, what's going on here?

I thought you were gonna put a stop to all this madness.

A Fingle never fails. I'll be seeing you.

Hey, what's this?

I made it for Woody, act three, when they make him a knight.

I know, but what are these for?

Coat of arms.

Come on, let's check the wardrobe for the garden party number.

Okay.

- Lady de Troop. - Check.

- Lady Vandermeer. - Check.

Lady Wintergarden.

No, you gotta get a white dress for Lady Wintergarden.

Check.

Put it in the closet.

Hey, Ole, is that Kitty a pal.

Hey, fella!

Why don't you put your hand out

when you make a left turn?

- This is our room. - Sabotage.

Look! He's dressed just like us.

- Yeah. - What are you doing in my closet?

Your closet? Our closet.

This is my room, and those are my clothes.

This is our room, and those are our props.

Get out of those smocks.

Take them off, you imbeciles.

Look, Rasputin, Shorty the butler gave us this room.

So don't you think you're making a mistake?

Bah!!

Hereafter, I'll answer my own questions.

Let's talk this thing over quietly.

Hey!

Light?

If you please.

Take it away.

Drafty, isn't it?

On your mark...

get set...

Wow! You're gonna play hard to get, huh?

Oh, it's you.

- Your Highness. - Stop that Highness!

- Yes, Your-- - Your pants.

Mujik?

Down. From now on,

Count Alexander Alexandrovich Alexandrovsky,

you may consider yourself a Grand Duke.

Did you see a tall man without any...

What a place. Hey!

Oh, hey, hey.

You know what you're doing, you know what you're doing?

Of course I know what I'm doing. I'm just...

Not me. It's hard luck to walk under a ladder.

Oh, my error.

* There's a cottage hidden in the hills *

* By a waterfall where stardust spills *

* And songs bloom on the windowsills *

* It's heaven for two

* There's a picket fence of moonlight bars *

* And a shingle roof of April stars *

* And shells of spring in crystal jars *

* It's heaven for two

* There's a first and second mortgage *

* Of a million moonbeams *

* But we could pay it off in no time *

* With our very best dreams

* There's a rainbow rug upon the floor *

* And a horseshoe moon above the door *

* The only thing it needs is you *

* My heaven for two

* There's a cottage hidden in the hills *

* By a waterfall where stardust spills *

* And songs bloom on the windowsills *

* It's heaven for two

Hey, Stinky, will you go on home?

Stinky, will you go home?

That's a good boy.

Go home and get yourself sick on spinach.

All right, go ahead with the song.

* There's a picket fence of moonlight bars *

* And a shingle roof of April stars *

* And shells of spring in crystal jars *

* It's heaven for two

* There's a first and second mortgage *

* Of a million moonbeams

* But we could pay it off in no time *

* With our very best dreams

* There's a rainbow rug upon the floor *

* And a horseshoe moon above the door *

* The only thing it needs is you *

Holy smoke, I didn't mean for this to happen. Come on.

Look here, what did Jeff tell us to get for scene four?

Arrows or sparrows?

I don't know. We can get both.

Louis.

Operator.

Louis!

That's what happens when you hire relatives.

Louis!

Oh, yeah? You can't talk that way to me

and get away with it. Actors, huh?

I'll get even with you guys. I'll think of something.

If I could only give him a Mickey.

- Louis. - Let me alone. I'm thinkin'.

Well, I'll leave you two here.

Aren't you coming with us?

No, thanks. I've gotta do some work on the first act.

See ya later.

Hi, Jeff.

What's the matter, kid?

You love the girl and the girl loves you.

She's got all the money in the world,

and you want to brush her off.

I know what it is. You don't wanna cut in on your pal,

- isn't that it? - Woody's been too swell a friend.

I wouldn't hurt him for anything in the world.

Well, let's get after those arrows.

Everybody watch me.

I was the William Tell of Brazgovnia.

Come, let us go to the pool.

Mrs. Jones.

"I shot an arrow in the air, it fell to Earth,

I know not where."

Oh, now I know.

There oughta be something we can do for Jeff.

Maybe we can put Woody in the nut house.

Ah, opportunity knocks.

More over here, Ole.

Need any help?

- We've got a big problem. - We're thinking.

That won't help.

You see, we're trying to fix up things for Jeff and Kitty.

Oh, trying to get rid of Woody, huh?

That's right.

Well, deal me in.

Have you got any ideas?

Let me think.

Maybe we can talk Woody into giving Kitty the brush-off.

I know, but how?

I remember when my boyfriend gave me the brush-off.

Kitty's not that kind of a girl.

If we could make Woody believe

that Kitty ain't the kind of girl

he thinks she is, he might take a powder.

Uh-huh. I...

I think you got something there.

Yeah, but how do we do it?

Well, we'll collar Woody at the dance tonight.

When we get through with him, he'll think

Kitty's a female Bluebeard.

- Okay. - It's a mean trick.

We're doing it for our pal Jeff.

Are you with us, kid?

To the death.

Help!

All right, girls, now smile.

Remember, you're having a good time.

All right, watch the birdy.

Young lady, would you mind sitting over in that chair?

Right there.

Oh, that's fine.

Now hold it. Still.

And what I mean is, don't move.

All right, watch the birdy.

Thank you. Bread, please.

Two slices? I said bread.

Bread.

That's enough?

What do you mean, that's enough?

You're back to two slices.

It's been a great opportunity for me to come up here

and take your pictures, and I hope your show is a success.

I really do. Well, good-bye, girls.

* Well, hello, big boy, what's cookin'? *

* Would you like to get your picture tooken? *

* There may be a movie, a contract in it *

* Well, come on, Jack, it'll only take a minute *

* Watch the birdy, we'll take a candid camera shot *

* Watch the birdy, come on and give it all you've got *

* Watch the birdy, look around and pick a spot *

* And hold it

* Watch the birdy

* Just strike a funny pose a while *

* Watch the birdy, or you can beat that pose a mile *

* Watch the birdy, and let me see your pretty smile *

* And hold it

* We're looking for a tall, dark, handsome man *

* With eyes of blue, a golden tan *

* And strong white teeth like Joel McCrae *

* Hey, you, will you get out of the way? *

* Watch the birdy, we'll take a candid camera shot *

* Watch the birdy, come on and give it all you got *

* Watch the birdy, just look around and pick a spot *

* Hold it

* Zoot-ay

* Watch the birdy, we'll take a candid camera shot *

* Watch the birdy, come on and give it all you got *

* Watch the birdy, just look around and pick a spot *

* Hold it, zoot it, and hold it *

* Watch the birdy, just strike a funny pose a while *

* Watch the birdy, you can beat that pose a while *

* Watch the birdy, now let me see your pretty smile *

* Hold it

* We're looking for a tall, dark, handsome man *

* With eyes of blue, a golden tan *

* Strong white teeth like Joel McCrae *

* Hey, you, will you get out of the way *

* Watch the birdy, we'll take a candid camera shot *

* Watch the birdy, come on and give it all you got *

* Watch the birdy, just look around and pick a spot *

* Hold it

* Zooty, now hold it

* We're looking for a tall, dark, handsome man *

* With eyes of blue and a golden tan *

* Strong white teeth like Joel McCrae *

* Hey, you, will you get out of the way *

* Watch the birdy, we'll get a candid camera shot *

* Watch the birdy, come on and give it all you got *

* Watch the birdy, just look around and pick a spot *

* Hold it

Oh, somebody's been fooling around with my battery.

Hoo hoo!

Hey.

* I once had a vision of heaven *

* And you were there

* I gazed at a sky full of starlight *

* And you were there

* One day, I spoke to a bluebird *

* It told me in song about you *

* Once I heard music by Gershwin *

* And you were there too

* I stood in the spray of a fountain *

* And you were there

* I climbed to the top of a mountain *

* And you were there

* Whenever we two are apart *

* I look down deep in my heart *

* For, darling, I know that I'll find you there *

Oh, Jeff.

Darling.

What did you say?

I said, "Yes, Kitty?"

Oh. That's not what it sounded like.

That's what it should've sounded like.

Woody wants Mother and Dad to announce our engagement tonight.

Well, that's swell.

Woody's a great guy.

I give up.

We gotta go to work on Woody right away.

You tell her.

- All right, dance me over. - Okay.

Did anyone ever tell you you dance like Ginger Rogers?

- No. - No wonder.

I suppose your dad told you my plan.

It's a perfect night for it; what do you say?

Oh, well, Woody, I--

Look, I wanna tell you something for your own good.

Mujik.

Why, you Czatsky-dancing tea guzzler, I oughta...

I...

Oh, hello.

Did anyone ever tell you you dance just like...

What happened?

Well, did you tell Woody?

Are you kiddin'? I didn't have a chance.

- Did you tell him? - She messed it up.

We'll have to tell him ourselves. Come on, let's go.

I have asked her, but she wouldn't give me an answer.

Well, take her out to some quiet corner and make her give you an answer.

And do it now.

But, Mr. Rand, I...

Just the fella we've been looking for.

Come with us.

What's this all about?

Just a minute. You'll find out.

- I'll tell you-- - Let me tell him.

- No, I'll tell him. - Will you let me handle it? - Look, boys, I'm busy.

Are you more interested in that picture or me?

I wasted all day up here with you.

Them mugs annoy me.

They're stickin' their noses into somebody else's business again.

And so am I. I could've had a good date this afternoon.

You want to mix it all up? Leave it alone.

What are you doing, are you wacky?

Oh, if you weren't wearing glasses,

would I fix you up.

- Glasses? Glasses?! - Cut it out.

Pal...

Just a moment, Woody.

We're having a little trouble with this film.

That Louis again.

Hey, Louis, will you keep your mind on your work?

Will you get away from--

Don't tell me what to do!

Boy, I'm getting a little seasick.

So am I.

Hey, maybe we can handle this ourselves.

Give me a hand here.

- That's good. - That's it.

Oh!

Where's Chic?

Hey, how did you get up there?

How did you get down there?

Come on, Woody. Here we go again.

Be careful, will ya?

Look out for my head.

Be careful. Cut it out, will ya?

Hey, Louis, get that blonde outta there,

concentrate on your business.

Terrible way to make a living.

Louis, you dope!

Hey, Woody, how do we get outta this?

I don't know. It never happened to me before.

Louis, you crazy... Louis, be careful.

Shut up!

Number one machine...

Number two machine here.

What do you got going on?

Louis, look. You put on the wrong picture.

Take it off. You crazy or something?!

Hey, Louis!

Hey, wait a minute, Louis.

This is no longer a mistake.

This is not Hellzapoppin'.

Ole, those horses don't know what they're doin'.

Look at that big dope.

Louis, will you take those phony Hollywood Indians

- off the screen? - Get 'em off there.

Ow! We've had enough of this!

Get off.

That's better.

Now put on our picture.

Come on, come on.

That's it. Where are we?

Over further.

There we are.

- Hold it. - Relatives!

I'd have that half-wit fired if he wasn't your cousin.

My cousin? I thought he was your cousin.

- He said-- - That's what he told me.

Oh, he did, did he?

Hey, you guys gonna stand there all day?

Oh, a wise guy, huh?

Listen, you big chump, lay off of this little chump.

Who's a little chump?

You're a barrel-waisted weasel.

That's different. Let's go.

Just wait till this picture's over.

Look, I've wasted enough time.

Oh, wait.

I thought I was gonna tell him.

All right, you tell him.

Pal, you've been mighty swell to us.

To show you we appreciate it, we're gonna give you a tip.

You're much too nice a guy to be mixed up with Kitty Rand.

What do you mean?!

- Maybe you better tell him after all. - Oh, no, go right ahead.

Come on, out with it!

Oh, it's nothing. Maybe she don't know it's wrong.

So that's it. Well, who's the guy?

Will you tell him?

Keep going. You're doing fine.

Wait a minute. It's...

It's the prince, the phony.

- Pepi? - Pepi.

That's tellin' him.

- Which way did they go? - That way.

Maybe you don't realize it, Pepi, but it's true.

That's why I want you to stay away from Kitty.

And stop eating those sandwiches.

Maybe you do hold some attraction for her,

but if you do, I'm sure it's not the real thing.

You mean to say I hold some attraction for her?

What else can it be?

And you say it's not the real thing?

Of course not. Remember now, stay away from her.

Oh, sure, sure, sure.

Sure.

* I once had a vision of heaven *

* And you were there

* I gazed at a sky full of starlight *

* And you were there

* One day, I spoke to a bluebird *

* It told me in song about you *

* Once I heard music by Gershwin *

* And you were there too

* I once had a vision of heaven *

* And you were there

* I gazed at a sky full of starlight *

* And you were there

* One day I spoke to a bluebird *

* It told me in song about you *

* Once I heard music by Gershwin *

* And you were there too

* I stood in the spray of a fountain *

* And you were there

* I climbed to the top of a mountain *

* And you were there

* Whenever we two are apart *

* I look down deep in my heart *

* For, darling, I know that *

* I'll find you

* There

* For naturally, obviously

* You were there

Where you going, as if I didn't know.

- Let me go. - What for, what for?

That phony Russian's up there trying to make love to my girl.

Who is it?

It is I. Me.

Pepi!

Katusha, why have you waited so long?

Waited? What...

You should have known it was futile to struggle against fate.

Struggle against what?

Ah, my little dove, let me embrace you.

Oh, now look, Pepi...

Do not pretend, Katusha.

Now, Pepi, stop.

Tonight is ours, and it shall live forever,

because you're a woman and I'm a man.

Ah, man and a woman.

Pepi, I'm warning you. Get out of here.

Ah, my little...

Oh, thank you very much.

Kind of dark in here.

Oh, my little turnip.

My two little guitars. I love--

Such passion!

Together we'll make beautiful music.

- What's the matter? - Pepi's in my room.

I think he's gone love crazy or something.

Oh, let me at him.

You stay here where you'll be safe.

Katusha.

Mujik!

Oh!

Yahoo!

Mujik!

- Oh, no, no, no. - Yes, yes, yes.

Oh, no, no, no!

What a woman.

Don't ask me how I do it, folks.

- Oh, hello. - Can I help?

Certainly you can, certainly you can.

Make him fall in love with you.

Make everybody happy. You and you and you...

And you. Hello, Mom, I'll be home for supper.

Have meat.

Say, better put that violin on a diet.

What about this love thing with you kids, what about it?

Uh, well...

These porters are delivering the instruments.

I better find Chic and Ole.

I'll see you at rehearsal.

Would you know anything about love?

Who me? Not me. I'm a married man.

Hey, Pops, keep that beat a-beatin'.

I feel a rhythmic brainstorm comin' on.

One, two, keep that rhythm heatin'.

One more riff like that, and I'll be gone.

Oh, man, don't stop now, we jumpin'.

Give it everything the law allows.

This thing might turn into something.

If I ain't mistaken, here comes something now.

Wow. Too bad they're not in the show.

Put 'em in the next one.

Yeah, you're gonna produce lots of shows from now on.

I hope you're right.

Say, boys, go down to the station, pick up

- those wardrobe trunks, will you? - Okay.

Hey, Woody. Why the suitcases?

I'm going somewhere to try to reconstruct my life.

Hey, wait a minute.

Come on, tell Jeff all about it.

What's on your mind?

It's Kitty and me.

I'm not the man for her, Jeff. She needs someone like you,

someone taller than she is... mentally.

I found out there's someone else.

I've just told her we're through.

You...

It's my fault, Woody. I'm sorry.

I tried not to fall in love with Kitty,

- but, well, I did. - You love Kitty?

Why, that's wonderful. She needs you.

You can save her from herself.

Save her from herself?

You know, a young girl, ideas about romance.

I better tell you about Pepi.

You mean about Pepi and Kitty?

She told me all about it.

You don't mind?

Of course not.

Maybe I'm a bit old-fashioned.

Kitty.

Kitty, would you mind stepping into my private office?

I get it.

Guess who.

Watch me.

I was the Daniel Boone of Brazgovnia.

Pull.

Pull.

There goes that tire again.

I heard a bang, but I didn't hear any ssss.

Pull.

- Hiya, Pepi. - Good morning.

Load her up.

Pull.

Hey!

You heard the ssss that time. Pull.

What are you doing behind that bush?

Trying to reconstruct my life.

What needs reconstructing?

Oh, everything.

Thanks to you, I found out about Kitty in time.

You did?

- I mean, you did? - Yeah.

Don't worry about that, Woody.

Now what do you think's happened?

Jeff's gone and fallen for her.

No. That's terrible.

I tried to tell him about Pepi, but he wouldn't listen.

Aw, no use trying to tell Jeff about anything.

It's his own life; let him ruin it himself.

Ready.

Mrs. Jones, Mrs. Jones.

Wrong gun.

When you first told me about Kitty,

I figured it was kind of exaggerated,

and I might be able to stop it.

But after what I saw last night, thanks again, fellas.

- Last night? - Hold on. What happened last night?

He didn't leave her room till almost 4:00 this morning.

Who?

Pepi, of course.

Chic, did I hear right?

That gag we pulled...

It ain't a gag, it's the truth.

That nice, sweet, innocent girl.

- That nice, sweet, innocent girl is just a...

There's still a Hays Office, sweaters or no sweaters.

She's worse than that.

What a fine mess we put our pal Jeff in.

We gotta break that up right now.

Let's see, music, scenery, wardrobe,.

Oh, yes, I've gotta pick up Max Kane at the station.

Oh, no, you're not.

You're coming with me and tell Mother and Dad about us.

Let's wait, Kitty, please.

Careful. I've already been jilted once today.

I warn you, if I don't get this show on Broadway,

you'll be jilted again.

Hey, Jeff, we gotta talk to you.

It's private, if you don't mind.

That's all right. I'll send the station wagon for Mr. Kane.

- Listen, Jeff-- - Let me tell him.

Listen, kid, this girl Kitty--

What about her?

Okay, you tell him.

Jeff, we've got information

that proves rather conclusively

that Kitty...

that Kitty is a...

Okay, Louis.

I'll put it a different way.

You know who was in her room at 4:00 this morning?

- Oh, that. Forget it. - Forget it?

Listen, boys, I've got great news for you.

Max Kane, the producer, is coming to see the show tonight.

If he likes it, it goes on Broadway.

And Miss Kitty Rand becomes Mrs. Jeffrey Hunter,

so keep your fingers crossed.

Well, we did our best.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Jeff said that he won't go for the girl

unless the show's a hit, is that right?

Of course it's right.

It would be terrible if he married the wrong girl.

That might nip his whole career right in the bud.

So?

So we've got to make sure that the show is a flop.

Oh, sabotage.

That's the idea,

because if Kane doesn't like the show,

nobody else will, and Jeff won't go for Kitty.

He'll be awfully upset.

He'll get over it, and write plenty more hit plays.

The main thing is to save him from the clutches of that woman.

Good idea. Even from you.

Yeah, but we're gonna need some help.

Let's call some of the boys.

I'll go right to the phone.

For the kid's sake, this show has gotta be a bust.

It's all your fault.

How do you do?

Mr. Kane, it was so nice of you to come.

We didn't know that a big producer like you--

Young lady, if I didn't respect your father's position

in the banking world,

and if a producer doesn't know sometime

where his next mortgage is coming from,

I'd no more come near this show--

Oh, but it's a great show, Mr. Kane.

- You're gonna like it. - What'll you bet?

Now, did you give the boys their assignments?

They're set. I don't think I've forgotten a thing.

Hey, looky there. We can use him.

Oh, usher, come here. Usher.

- Usher? - You ring for ice water?

Certainly we rang for... Never mind that.

See that man down there?

Give him a good seat, way down in front.

Thank you very much. Oh, here's a little tip for you.

A little tip?

Oh, doing a little light reading?

I can get you a much better seat than that, better light.

Come this way.

*

No room out there. This is the best seat in the house.

Here, a little tip for you.

Full house. Sell-out.

Here, sweetheart.

Gee, thanks, Chic.

That Bronx ballerina, she ruined my performance.

Oh, I don't know why anyone would wanna do that.

Hiya, Grandma.

Oh, my fan, my fan.

Could I be of assistance?

Yes, thank you.

Well, good night, all.

Very, very sorry to interrupt at this time, ladies and gentlemen,

but there's a very urgent call for Mr. Robert T. McChesney.

Robert T. McChesney.

Go to your home immediately.

You have become the father of twins.

Robert T. McChesney.

What am I running for? My name's Miller.

- Kitty, what's happened? What's going on? - I don't know.

Come on, girls, give this number everything.

Say, what's the idea of this?

Oh, my coat just had pups.

I wanted to talk to the...

Never mind.

Yeah.

* With a pom or peke

* Strolls along the thoroughfare *

Mrs. Jones!

Mrs. Jones!

Mrs. Jones!

* Every girl a beautiful charade *

* They pirouette and pose a while *

* And invite a smile

* When they're putting on the dog *

* They pass in review

* On each avenue

* Exotic, blas�

* Wherever they go

* They put on their show

* It all began with Eve

* Catching every eye

* Captivating every passerby *

* They've such a charming unconcern *

Andrew, my fur's on the floor.

Here. This is what you like.

Take 'em.

This thing is getting good.

Jeff hasn't overlooked a trick.

* Way down on the levee in old Alabamy *

* There's Daddy and Mammy, there's Ephraim and Sammy *

* On a moonlight night you can find them all *

* While they are waitin', the banjos are syncopatin' *

* What's that they're sayin'?

* Oh, what's that they're sayin'? *

* While they keep playin', I'm hummin' and swayin' *

* It's the good ship Robert E. Lee *

* That's come to carry the cotton away *

* Watch them shufflin' along *

* See them shufflin' along *

* Go down to the levee, I said to the levee *

* I said to the levee, I said to the levee *

* The levee, the levee, the levee, the levee *

* The levee, the levee the levee, the levee *

* The levee, the levee, the levee, the levee *

* The levee, the levee, the levee, the levee *

* The levee, the levee, the levee, the levee, the levee *

* Join that shufflin' throng

* Hear that music and song *

* It's simply great, mate

* Waitin' on the levee

* Waitin' for the Robert E. Lee *

* Watch them shufflin' along

* So take your best gal, real pal *

* Go down to the levee, I said to the levee *

* Join that shufflin' throng

* Hear that music and song

* It's simply great, mate

* Waitin' on the levee

* Waitin' for the Robert E. Lee *

* Way down on the levee in old Alabamy *

* There's Daddy and Mammy, there's Ephraim and Sammy *

* On a moonlight night you can find them all *

* While they are waitin', the banjos are syncopatin' *

* What's that they're sayin', what's that they're sayin'? *

* While I keep a-prayin', I'm hoppin' and swayin' *

* It's the good ship Robert E. Lee *

* That's come to carry the cotton away *

Boo!

Boo!

* Watch them shufflin' along *

There's a little thing back there,

and it goes like that.

* Along

* Watch them shufflin' along *

* It's simply great, mate, waitin' on the levee *

* Waitin' for the Robert E. Lee *

You crabbed my act.

Wait a minute. We did it for Jeff's sake

so he wouldn't marry Kitty.

Who cares? I'm gonna blow you two to bits.

We saw Prince Pepi come out of her room at 4:00 a.m.

Sure, he was in her room, but he was in there with me.

- You?! - Yes, me.

Now you guys stand back and take your medicine.

We ruined our pal, that's what we've done.

Jeff will murder us for this.

Where are those two baboons?

- We've gotta do a disappearing act. - Yeah, but how?

Disappearing act.

- I can help you out. - I'm a magician.

You can make us disappear?

Oh, yes, oh, yes. Zip the zipper.

I saw it in pictures one time, great trick.

I used to make guinea pigs disappear by the thousands.

I often wonder what became of 'em.

All you do is this.

Like this.

Something's the matter, I'm stuck.

You got it all wrong.

I saw that picture. You're supposed to zip it down.

Like this.

Hey.

Hey, wait a minute. I can't get outta this.

You look better that way.

Ole, I can't get it back either.

Easy, he says. All you gotta do is zip the zipper.

Well, you've got me all mixed up.

Oh, you've been mixed up since the day you were born.

Why, you sawed-off little runt.

Runt?!

Where are you?

Someday I have to figure a way to get them out of this thing.

Have you seen those two imbeciles?

Come out of there. Come on down, where are you?

Don't let him in.

That's Pepi. He's after us.

- What'll we do? Hide. - Hurry.

Wait a minute, what are you trying to do, climb out the window?

- Why don't you make up your mind? - Hurry up.

This is no time for dancing. Come over here. Get behind me quick.

Look at them over there. Half man and half nothing.

What's going on here?

Where?

Oh, double talk.

Who are you looking at, you pasty-faced Pomeranian?

Did you call me a pasty-faced Pomeranian?

I certainly did.

Listen, you...

Well, we have things to attend to.

Let's go.

Ole, come here. Hurry up, quick!

Let's get out of here before Jeff catches us.

Just a minute.

Home, James.

Hurry and get into your conga clothes.

We've got to do something to save this show.

I know, I know.

Halt.

About face.

Go.

Characters.

You got us into this, now get us out.

Hurry up. What do you have to do to unzip us?

We can't go around dressed like this the rest of our lives.

I never did figure out that part of the trick.

I never could make that guinea pig visible.

What? You did that to us?

Yes.

If his spirit leaves him, we're done for.

- Mr. Jordan. - Mr. Jordan.

Throw some water on my face. My face here.

Not in my face, in his face.

Come on, do something.

Yeah, unzip us.

Well, I'll try.

No, no, no, no!

Now we're not here at all anymore.

Well, well, well.

Say hello to my guinea pigs if you see 'em.

Come on, Princey, we're on.

We're on, but the show is off.

Those two maniacs spoiled everything.

Don't you call those two crazy idiots maniacs.

Why, they put this whole show over.

- What? - I'll tell you after the number.

Who did that?

Did you say we put it over?

Ole. Hey, Ole, where are you?

Never mind, we're here. What happened?

Oh, plenty. Mr. Kane said the show's a sockeroo, a wham.

In fact, he says it's good.

Oh, brother. Where's Jeff?

Holy smokes, Jeff. I almost forgot about him.

Well, he's probably packed up and back in town by this time.

Come on, Ole, we've gotta get him fast.

I don't get it. Maybe I'm wrong.

*

* Till you've done the conga beso *

* You don't know what you've missed *

* It's the Cuban conga with a Yankee twist *

* You won't even mind if you need rehearsal *

* Try it and you'll find why it's universal *

* Dance the conga beso, one and two and three, kiss *

* Doesn't cost a peso, one and two and three, kiss *

* It will make you gay, so, dance the conga beso *

* It's a bit you can't miss, one and two and three, kiss *

* When you're on the dance floor *

* Why just dance?

* Take your Terpsichore and mix it with romance *

* Rhumbas are pass�, so, maybe you should try this *

* Dance the conga beso, one and two and three, kiss *

* One and two and three, kiss

* One and two and three, kiss *

* One and two and three, kiss *

Wait a minute!

Cut it out! Chick, Ole.

Cut it out, will ya? Quit shovin' me around.

Hey, what's going on here?

I don't know what you did or how you did it,

but it's terrific.

Get his checkbook, Ole.

Okay, you get his pen.

Like the show, huh?

Start writing, Mr. Kane.

What can I lose?

*

* Dance the conga beso, one and two and three, kiss *

* Doesn't cost a peso, one and two and three, kiss *

* It'll make you gay, so, dance the conga beso *

* It's a beat you can't miss, one and two and three, kiss *

* When you're on the dance floor, why just dance? *

* Take your Terpsichore and mix it with romance *

* Rhumbas are pass�, so, maybe you should try this *

* Dance the conga beso, one and two and three, kiss *

* One and two and three, kiss

* One and two and three, kiss *

* One and two and three, kiss

* Dance the conga beso

* One and two and three, kiss *

* Doesn't cost a peso

* One and two and three, kiss *

* Oh, it will make you gay, so *

* Dance the conga beso

* Now it's a beat you can't miss *

* One and two and three, kiss *

* When you're on the dance floor *

* Dance the conga beso

* One and two and three, kiss *

* One and two and three, kiss

* One and two and three, kiss *

* One and two and three, kiss

Oh, bit me.

Oh, Bessie, my pet guinea pig.

You've been absent for months.

How did you get unzipped?

What?

Yeah? As simple as that?

Oh, a cape, a cape. Oh, a cape, okay.

Everybody's having fun but us.

Yeah, you made us invisible.

Now make us reappear.

* Dance the conga beso

Mrs. Jones!

* Dance the conga beso

Mrs. Jones!

* It will make you gay, so, dance the conga beso *

* It's a beat you can't miss

Ha ha ha, you missed me. You need glasses.

Can you imagine that? A talking bear.

* Take your Terpsichore and mix it with romance *

* Rhumbas are pass�, so, maybe you should try this *

* Dance the conga beso, one and two and three, kiss *

* One and two and three, kiss *

* One and two and three, kiss

* One and two and three, kiss *

* Conga beso!

"Max Kane produces the show off-Broadway,

where it's a big hit,

and Kitty and Jeff live happily ever after."

Nice work, Selby. I knew you could do it.

Talking bears, talking dogs,

people who disappear, slapstick comedy.

What kind of a script is that?

Well, I didn't tell you,

but I saw Hellzapoppin' in New York,

and I thought it was very funny.

Well, here's what I think of it.

Well, you can't hurt me that way.

I always wear a bulletproof vest

around the studios.

* Hellzapoppin'

* Old Satan's on a tear Hellzapoppin'! *

* They're screaming everywhere *

* Shades of inferno and vaudeville *

* Anything can happen and it probably will *

* Hellzapoppin'!

* And there's a rumor now

* You'll be needing your sense of humor now *

* How it will wind up no one can tell *

* But hellzapoppin' like...

* Hellzapoppin'!

* Da ya, da ya, da ya

* Hellzapoppin'!

* They're screaming everywhere *

* Shades of inferno and vaudeville *

* Anything can happen and it probably will *

* Hellzapoppin'!

* Da, da, da-do, da, da-do *

* You'll be needing your sense of humor now *

* How it will wind up no one can tell *

* But hellzapoppin' like...