All language subtitles for Joe.Dirt.2001.1080p.BluRay.H264.AAC-RARBG

MAN : Testing.
Testing, testing.

One, two, three.

(LYNYRD SKYNYRD'S
SWEET HOME ALABAMA PLAYING)

Turn it up.

Whoo!

♪ Big wheels keep on turning

♪ Carry me home to see my kin

♪ Singing songs about
the Southland ♪

(WOMEN SHOUTING)
Dang! Whoo!

♪ I miss Alabamy once again
And I think it's a sin, yes ♪

That's what I'm talkin'
about. LA!

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Hold up. Ho.

GUARD: Radio station I. D.

Coming to work.

Joe Dirte.

Don't try and church it up,
son. Don't you mean Joe Dirt?

Naming you that, your daddy
must've really hated you.

You're wrong, brother.
I got a good name
for this car. Rusty.

Shit'll buff out.
Don't bother.

Jeez, drive this piece of crap
off a cliff.
Do us all a favor.

This look like a piece of crap
to you?

You like them spinning tires,
do you?

You suck!
You do!

Did he hurt you, baby?

(LAUGHING)

People like
that security guard,

they don't really mean
what they say.

They just got their own
issues and whatnot.

All's I got to do is keep
being a good person.

No matter what,
good things'll come my way.

Everything's gonna
happen for me,

just as long as I never
have "no" in my heart.

(TOILET FLUSHES)
Can't a guy even take a dump
in peace? Psycho.

Right on.

Things are gonna happen
for me. I'm Joe Dirt!

I think I'm gonna go
to the restroom and
take a big Joe.

(CHUCKLES)

Don't forget to wipe
your dirt.
(LAUGHING)

You boys got something
to say to me?

Why don't
you talk in the microphone?

I got a backup mic
right here.

Check, one, two.
Testing, testing.

Yeah, they're both working,
and guess what?

They don't like no feedback.
What's up?

(GRUNTS)

What's going on out here?
You got to keep it down.

Zander Kelly's on the air.

Whoa. What's the deal
with your haircut?

I'm sorry about the noise,
sir.

Um, this ain't no haircut.
This is a wig.

A wig?

Look at you. Jesus.

You know what?
I got somebody I want you
to meet.

Why don't you come with me?
Come on.

MAN ON RADIO: Yeah,
that's what I thought.

This is Zander Kelly.
You're listening
to 98.6, KXLA.

All aberration radio,
all the time.

Hey, Zander, Zander,
you got to see this guy.

God almighty.
Manna from inbred heaven.

Hey, freak boy.
1976 called,
it wants its hairstyle back.

Zander, get this.
This is a wig.
It's a wig?

What are you
wearing a wig for?

What are you doing, stunt work
for Billy Ray Cyrus?

Freddy, go get Free Bird boy
here an all-access laminate
for the show in perpetuity.

I'm wringing this chamois
as long as I can.

You are exquisitely pathetic.
What's your name, pal?

Uh, it's Joe Dirt.
But if you're just gonna
make fun of me, man,

I'll just go back to mopping.

Sit down, let me take another
tact here.

Mr. Dirt, what's with the wig?

Well, I was born without
the top of my skull,

and I guess a little bit
of my brains was showing.
It was grossing everybody out,

so my mom put this wig
on me to cover it up.

And then the bones grew
together and it got all
infused and entwined.

I mean, I don't mean to get
all scientific or whatever.

Why didn't your mom
change the wig later?

Actually, we got separated
when I was eight.
I got lost.

You trying to tell me
you've been on your own
since eight years old?

Pretty much, man.
It's a long story, actually.

Listen to you.
What's the story here?

"I'm a white-trash idiot."
The end.

Hey, is this where you want
to be when Jesus comes back,
man?

Making fun
of poor little Joe Dirt?

Probably, because
I'm sure Yahweh
would be chiming in, too.

That's funny, 'cause my mom
used to say that to me
if she caught me doing stuff.

Like one time, I was
jerkin' my gherkin.
Can I say that?

And she goes,
"Is this where you want to be
when Jesus comes back?"

She sounds like a real winner,
and it's amazing to me that
you turned out like you did

with that sort of,
uh, mentoring.

Hey, man, I... I can't say
don't make fun of me,

but you really shouldn't
make fun of my mom.

Hey, you guys,
you gotta come hear this guy
on the Zander show.

Listen. You're on your own.
The family's ditched you.
What happens next?

I mean, do you really care?
It's actually not an easy
story to tell.

Hey, I got four hours
a day to fill, man.

It's not often I get a freak
like you plopped into my lap.

Go ahead. I'm a roast.
Baste me.

All right, man.

See, my parents and
my sister and I all went
to the Grand Canyon.

And while they was
checking out the sights and
the donkeys and whatnot,

I somehow got separated
from 'em.

Easy shot.

Ow! Hey, Dad, look.
It's the good stuff.

None of that pussy
Skoal, right, Dad?

Dad?

Mom!

Dad!

Mom! Dad!

Where are you?

Dad!

Mom!

Where are you?

You can come out now.

(BIRD CAWING)

So there I was. A lot of kids
would have been scared,
but I was all tough about it.

I started walkin' till
the cops picked me up and
put me into a foster home.

Like this one guy
I fostered out to
for about a month,

he'd take me hunting
with him and his dog.

(DUCK QUACKING)
I thought hunting would be,
you know,

more fun than it was.

(GUNSHOT)

Now, see, boy? He goes off
and fetches the duck.
You see how that works?

Fun, huh?

Yeah!

After that I spent
some time with these people
who worked on a farm.

I learned cows don't find
bottle rockets as funny
as I do.

(MOOING)
(CHEERING)

Yee-haw! Oh, yeah.

(FARTS)

(FARTS)
(SHOUTS)

(COW MOOS)

Then there was
this one old lady,
had me for a couple of weeks.

I don't wanna be unkind,
but this woman was
a little off-balance.

You're to be scrubbed clean
before supper,

and that means washed
under your fingernails and
back of your ears and

dressed in your Sunday best.

I expect your schoolwork
to be done every night and
laid out for my inspection.

Is that clear?
Yes, ma'am.

Uh, can I push him off my leg?

He'll stop humping
as soon as he's done.

(DOG YELPS)

Well, the year was 1982.

I was 11 years old now,
and I'd gotten into a little
trouble here and there,

so I was living in
a juvie home for boys,

and I was getting ready
to split that scene,
and pronto.

(BOB SEGER'S
RAMBLIN' GAMBLIN' MAN PLAYS)

♪ Ramblin' man
Lord, I got to gamble
Gamblin' man ♪

Bob Seger? Be honest.
Back then you were listening
to Leif Garrett.

It's probably more like this.

(LEIF GARRETT'S I WAS
MADE FOR DANCIN' PLAYS)

♪ I was made for dancin'

♪ I... ♪
(NEEDLE SCRATCHES
ACROSS RECORD)

No, sir, man.
I don't like that crap.

I'm a rocker, dude,
through and through.

Here's my favorite bands.
AC/DC, Van Halen, not Van
Hagar, Skynyrd, Def Lepp...

All right. I want you to
settle down. Don't make me
call your probie officer here.

And riddle me this...

Other than the fact that you
dig looking like Jane Fonda
in Klute,

why don't you cut the wig now?

Well, yeah.
I guess I could do that.

Zander just asked this Joe
Dirt guy why he doesn't
cut his wig right now,

and you can tell
he's never thought of it.
(LAUGHING)

Now, you know, except
for the ratty 'stache
and the pork chops,

you're pretty clean-shaven
for a kid who lives
in a trash can, no?

Well, I don't need to shave,
'cause it don't grow in right
here and right here.

Now, you're telling me
that you're so ingrained
with white-trash DNA

that your facial hair actually
grows in on its own
all white-trashy like that?

Uh, I don't know what
you're saying, but that's
what's going on, yeah.

So, back to the story here.
You're on your own...

I'm just kinda campin' out or
whatever, and this goes on
for years, until one night

something amazing happened.

Man, a shooting star.
I gotta make a wish.
I wish...

I knew what happened
that one day at that
Grand Canyon place.

Whoa.

Whoa, whoa.

Whoa. Whoa, it's a meteorite.
Whoa, check it out!
That's cool!

Oh, man, look at you.
You're probably made out of
some precious metal

and everyone's gonna want you,
but you want to be with me!

Right on!
You're Joe Meteorite,
and I'm Joe Dirt! Whoo!

Here on Earth, we call
this place a town.

A town is a place
where everyone hates you.
Kids all try to beat you up.

Whoa, that's so flat.

Awesome.

This is gonna be awesome.

Holy crap, ladies.

Hey, Junior Dirt Bag.
(LAUGHING)
You talkin' to your rock?

It ain't no rock,
it's a meteor, dum-dum.

What did it do, land on your
barber's head while he was
cuttin' your hair?

Why don't you go
practice falling down.
I'll be there in a minute.

Hey.
You wanna fight,
you little queer?

Queer? Is this queer?

Are these queer? What's up?
What's up?

Look at this guy.
He must be retarded.

Hey, retard,
you aren't worth it.

Come on. Let's go.
Yeah? You are.

What a wuss.
I mean, you aren't...
worth it.

I told them, meteor.
You had my back.

You're cool.
Whoa, what's that?

Five dollars. That's mine now.
You're my lucky meteor.
Right on!

I'll hold your half for ya.

Meteor, we call this here
"Bein' in burger heaven."

Mmm. Oh, yeah.

(CHATTERING)
(DIRT SIGHS)

I need to find a home, Meteor.

We need some stability
in our lives, man.

We need to settle down.
Life gets hard, you know?

Yeah. Come on, now.
It's a little bumpy.

Whoa-ho-ho.
Look at that town, Meteor.
That's pretty.

I bet people in a town
like that will be nice to us.
Let's go down there.

Come on.

Yeah.

No way I'd ever
sell you, Meteor.
Not in a million years.

But just for laughs,
let's see how much
you're worth.

Well, it ain't a meteor.
Yeah, it is.
It came out of the sky.

Well, I'm sure it did, but it
ain't no meteor. It's a big
old frozen chunk of shit.

What?
Oh, yeah.

See, them airplanes dump
their toilets at 36,000 feet,

and the stuff freezes
and falls to earth.

We call 'em Boeing bombs.

No, that can't be.
That's not what it is.

Oh, afraid so.

You see the peanut?
Dead giveaway.

Yeah, that's... That's
a space peanut.

Well, afraid not.

This is a big old frozen
chunk of poopie.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)
(ALL CHUCKLING)

(ALL LAUGHING)
Dude, you were eating off it.

(CHUCKLING)
Okay, okay, that's too much,
too much.

Then what happened?

Well, then I got a dog.

You're telling me you'd
rather have a dog
than a frozen hunk of crap?

DIRT: See, it wasn't
really my dog.
It was this girl's dog.

I was livin' in the woods
outside of that postcard town
I said.

It's called Silvertown.

And I'd come in to
steal stuff, you know,
food, whatever.

And then one winter...

(DOG BARKING)

(DOG HOWLING)

(WHINING)

Are you okay, boy?

Oh, no. Are your nuts
frozen to the porch?

(WHINING)

Oh, that sucks. Don't pull up.

(DOG WHINES)

Who are you?
It's okay.
I was just walking by.

I think your dog's in
a little trouble here.
What's wrong?

I think his...
Well, you know how when
you get your tongue

frozen in a freezer
'cause it's all wet?

I think he got...

Nuts frozen to the porch?

Yes, exactly.

Oh, baby! What do we do?

We got to do something, so
do you have something inside?
Yeah.

(WHINING)
Shh. Don't pull up.

It's okay, don't move.
It's gonna stretch 'em more.
That's bad.

No. Ow. That's...
That's wrong.

That's way wrong.
Do you got, like,
warm water and...

A fork!

Yeah. No. Ow. What?

No, no.
A spatula thing. The flat one.

I'm sorry, buddy.
Just give her a second. Dang.

I got it. Now what?

Here's what we do.
I just pour a little water
on here. Now, you hold him.

Easy.
Now, this ain't no flapjack.
Gotta go real easy.

Should loosen it up
a little bit.

And I'm gonna go...
I don't wanna look. I'm sorry.

(BOTH GROAN)
One, two, three, go.

There.
Hey, buddy, you're free.

Aw, dang.
Good boy!

Good job!

You might want to spray
this whole porch down
with PAM,

you know, so it doesn't
happen again.

Okay.
What's his name?

Charlie.
Charlie.

And mine's Brandy.

Hi, Brandy. I'm Joe Dirt.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you too.

Brandy, get your ass
in the kitchen
and fire up that stove.

You got some cookin' to do.

Daddy, can we have
my new friend Joe
over for supper?

What, are you nuts, girl?
We ain't runnin' no
soup kitchen here, boy.

Scat! Get out of here!

Long-haired hippie freak.

I'll be your friend.

For some reason, and
I have no idea why,

Brandy always wanted
to hang out with me.

And I had Charlie,
so that was cool.

(BARKS)

For the next couple of years,
the three of us
was hanging out

at the farm in Silvertown.
And that was the closest thing
I ever had to a home.

Till one day...

(WHOOPING)

Oh, Dirt, did I get you?

Nah, I'm cool.
No, you're not.

Where's Brandy?

She's out riding her horse.
She'll be back in a minute.

You guys want to play
bumper pool?
No.

How does she put up
with you, Dirt?

That's a good question, man.
She's great, though,
ain't she?

You know, sometimes it's like
she likes me or something.

Yeah, dream on, Dirtboy.

A girl like that's
way out of your league.
She wants my body.

No, I know, man.
That's all... That's for you.

I'm... I'm not...
We're just totally friends.
She's out of my league.

Don't ever forget it, Dirt.

Check this out, Robby.
This is a good month. Dang.

This guy's got a dash mat
for a '69 Nova
he wants to sell,

and a car cover for any Dodge
from '79 to '84.

Man, you don't even
have a car.

I know, but that's a deal,
what he wants.

They're usually 80 bucks
at Checker, and this guy
wants 40, man.

Hey, look at this.
Charlie, see that?

This guy's selling
a Hurst speed shifter
with a pool-ball grip.

One day I'll have a car
that badass.

I'll be chirping gears
and pulling brodies,
going, "Rr-rr-rr!"

You'll stick your head out
the window and check out chick
dogs, going,

"What's up, baby?"

Boy, I swear I oughta
slap you silly.

I tell you what.
Why don't you practice
spittin' out teeth,

'cause I swear I'm gonna...
(HORSE WHINNIES)

Whoa, whoa.

Dang.
Dang.

Hi, Joe. Come here.

What's up, goat-roper?

Not much, pig-licker.

Watch the gun, baby.
That's how I get the gals.

Come on. I'll treat you
to a Dairy Queen.

Why are you being all nice?

I am always nice to you,
Joe Dirt.

Hey, Brandy.
Can I come too?

Robby, I only have
enough money for me and Joe.

(HORSE WHINNIES)
Come on, Joe.

Let's do it!
Come on, Charlie!

Come on, boy!

Oh, God. She is so fine.

Yeah. One day,
I'm gonna marry that girl.

(EDDIE MONEY'S I THINK
I'M IN LOVE PLAYING)

(EDDIE MONEY'S I THINK
I'M IN LOVE PLAYING)

♪ Ooh, something's got
a hold of me now

♪ It's a feeling

Stop!

♪ Burnin' like a love
on fire ♪

Oh, there you are.

Gimme that mutt.
I'm takin' him
huntin' with me.

Daddy, you been drinkin'.

Ah, shut the hell up
and just give me the mutt now.

Hey, if you're taking the dog,
I'll go with him.

'Cause I've been
hunting before.
You, hunt?

Wouldn't even use you
as a retriever.
(GUFFAWING)

That was a good one.
All right, Charlie,
get in the car.

(WHINING)

Charlie, you mangy mutt.
Get in the damn car,
you flea-bitten,

butt-lickin'...
(MUTTERING)

son of a bitch.

(CAR ENGINE STARTS)

Two!
(CHUCKLES)

Yeah!

(WARNING BELLS CLANGING)
What?

Hey!

Hey, my foot's stuck!

(CLANGING CONTINUES)
(TRAIN HORN SOUNDING)

Charlie. Charlie, come here.
Come here, Charlie.

My foot's stuck, see?
See, my foot's stuck?

I need your help.
I need you to go find
Sheriff Williams.

Now, go on. Go bring help.
Go get help now.

Go get him. Run, Charlie!
Run like the wind!

Run!

Run, Charlie.

(MOANS)

(TRAIN WHEELS CLACKING)

That stupid dog better
be bringing somebody.

Your dad always hunt
this long?

Hey, there's Charlie!

Charlie!

Hi!
There's my buddy.
Where have you been?

(SIREN)

There you go, Don.
Take 'er easy.

Oh, my God!

There's that worthless mutt!

What happened?
This is all that
goddamn dog's fault!

And I'm puttin' him down.

No, you can't!

Guess who came back, Charlie?

(GUNSHOT)
(DIRT SCREAMING)

Joe, he's okay now.
He's in dog heaven.

You gave him a great
last couple years.

Well, I'll sprinkle his ashes.
They'll drift out to sea.

He would've liked that.

I can't do it.

I'm taking him with me.

Taking him with you? But ...
Where are you going?

Brandy, you see that moon?

You don't know how many nights
I spent alone staring
at that moon

wondering if at that exact
moment, my mom or my dad was
looking at the same moon.

And for that brief second,
we were together again,
kind of, you know?

When I was with Charlie,
I didn't miss that moon
so much.

Brandy, I got a
hole in my heart.
I don't know how to fix it.

I got to find out
what happened
that day at the Grand Canyon.

I don't care how long it
takes. I gotta do it.

But what if when you're
gone some guy asks me to marry
him, and you're not here?

What's that got to do with me?
We're always gonna be
buddies, right?

Well, if I get married,

we might move, and
you might not know
where to find me.

You are gonna make
some guy so happy.

I just hope whoever he is,
he deserves a girl like you.

God, that Brandy has a
nice ass, doesn't she?

I mean, I get this loser
talking about the moon

and walking his dog,
and all the time
I'm thinking about

Brandy's well-manicured
backyard in those cutoff
shorts... Ouch!

Yeah, she's cool.
Anyway, so there I was,

on my own again, looking for
my parents, but I don't know
their last names.

It's Dirt. Isn't that the name
on the family crest? Dirt.

No, see, my last name's Dirt.
My dad made my last name Dirt
for some reason.

Anyway, I just put an "e"
on it, pronounce it
"Deer-tay."

It's no big deal.
It actually sounds
pretty cool.

But see, I don't know
their last name.

And I remember my sister
yelling it in my face
when I was growing up.

That's why Dad named you
Joe Dirt!

That's why Dad named you
Joe Dirt!

That's why Dad named you
Joe Dirt instead of...

I couldn't remember my real
last name.

So I knew it was
gonna be hard to find 'em.

Right, so what'd you do?

Right, so then I needed
some money.

I hopped a train out of
Silvertown and headed east
for the big city.

Then I got lucky.

I got myself
a real important job
in advertising.

Molar World. Walk- Ins welcome.
There you go.

Molar World. One for the kid?
Sure.

Molar W...

What's up?

Oh, my God.

Competition orange, '67.

This thing's a Hemi!

Ma'am, are you selling
this car?

Oh, yeah. It literally
just went on to the market.

How much you want for it?

What do you got?

Practically nothing.

I'm looking for my parents.

They lost me
at the Grand Canyon
more than ten years ago.

So all my money goes towards
that. I don't have pictures
of them or nothing.

You don't even have a picture
of them? Aww. Well, my ex-
husband, before he died...

Oh. I'm sorry.

Nah. I killed him.

He used to beat me,
so one night I just pushed him
into the wood chipper.

Told the cops he fell.

Good for you.
But he used to be
a police sketch artist.

Oh, he was damn good too.

The victims would give him
the worst descriptions,

and he would draw them out
like photographs.

He could do anything,
you know?

Like age progression and...

That's it. That's what
I'll do for my parents.
How much does that cost?

Oh, about 360 bucks.

Then that's what
I need to make. Thank you.

And I'm sorry I can't buy
your beautiful Hemi.

Oh, no, you can.

Give me what you got
in your pocket, and
she's yours.

For real?

You hear that, Charlie?
We got us a Hemi, brother.

That lady gave me
a great idea.
Hey, Dirt! Dirt!

Storm's coming in!
Get up on the roof and put
some bricks in the tooth!

DIRT: Gotcha.

(SCREAMS)

My tooth! My tooth!

Help!

Hey! Go back!

I can see down your shirt.

What an ass.

Hey, boss,
I'm goin' on a break.

Hey! Airplane! Help me!

Oh, that's not professional.

(JOE WALSH'S
ROCKY MOUNTAIN WA Y PLAYING)

♪ Spent the last year,
Rocky Mountain Way

♪ Couldn't get much higher ♪

I'd floated all the way to
North Dakota.

And there I was,
scared to death, as I dropped
like a stone from the sky.

Go back! Go back!

(SCREAMS)

(COUGHING)

But then the most amazing
thing happened.

I landed next to an oil rig,
and they was hiring people.

And what they paid was like
a sign from above

that I was
meant to find my parents.

(FRANTIC SHOUTING)

Coming down!

Hey, bro, come on down!

Yeah, baby. Come on, now.
Get loose.

Whoa, man, I got it.
It's comin'.

I'll pay for this. I'm new!

I'm new.
I don't know what to do!

Hey, man, you done
with that apple core?

(FARTS)

I'm done with that fart.
You want that?

Maybe if it came out of
Charlene Tilton's ass,
I'd take a bite.

MAN : Yeah,
you probably like J . R. ,
you queer.

I saw your bumper sticker,
"Cowboys' butts
drive me nuts."

Is that right?
You think that's queer?

Is this queer? They're large
and in charge and lookin'
for chickies.

You wanna back that up?

You wanna fight?
Why don't you stick your head
up my butt and fight for air?

That's it. You and me.
Let's go.

You know, I would.
I'd love to beat your ass
up and down this place.

I got to go back to work.

Yo, Dirt. You're fired.

Here's your week's pay.
(MEN LAUGHING)

Dang.

(MEN SHOUTING, CHEERING)

Yeah!

What's up here?
Look down there.

What's going on? Here I come.

(GROANS)

Luckily, my neck broke
my fall.

I guess you won the battle.

Yeah!
DIRT: But I won the war.

If you're covered in oil,
don't stand next to a fire.

(MAN SCREAMING)

Now that's day-one stuff.

Keep that Skoal, baby.
That's what I'm talking about.

So I had my 360 bucks.

The next day I was gonna try
the police sketch thing,

but something happened
to my head.

See, I spent the night in what
I thought was an abandoned
circus tent.

But I guess
it wasn't no circus.

I was totally bombed
on insecticide, I think.

(INCOHERENT SINGING)

So needless to say,
I was in no shape

to do anybody any good
with my recollections.

The guy doing
the police sketch thought
I was messin' with him

'cause my dad came out
looking like Father Time...

and my mom came out
too butch, and

looking way too much
like Richard Ramirez.

You know, the Night Stalker?
Remember that guy?

As my head cleared, I realized
I needed a different approach.

Then I got a brainstorm...
Hire an Indian tracker
to help me.

Man, that's a great idea.
They could find anything.

It's like in the movies.
So I headed for a reservation.

You want me to put
my ear to the ground,

listen for hoofbeats,

check for footprints?

Look for broken twigs?

But this is the modern age.

That stuff doesn't work
anymore, which is why I had to
open this fireworks stand.

I wasn't getting by
on my tracking wages.

Come on.
You're supposed to be good
at tracking stuff, man.

I've got to find my parents.

And I've got to figure out
a way to sell more fireworks.

I'm going broke
with this venture also.

I see you got them
snakes and sparklers

but where's
the good stuff, man?

Good stuff?
This is the good stuff,
snakes and sparklers.

Are you nuts, dude?
You need stuff that
explodes, go boom!

Why is that good?

You might as well ask,
"Why is a tree good?

"Why is a sunset good?
Why are boobs good?"

Man, firecrackers.

You stick 'em in mailboxes,
you drop 'em in toilets.

You shove 'em up
bullfrogs' asses.

I would never do that,

'cause I'm gonna be
a veterinarian.

Well, there you go.

Someone shoves an M-80
up a bullfrog's butt,
blows him to pieces,

he comes back to you
to fix it.

You win twice, brother.
It's good biz.

So you're gonna tell me
that you don't have
no Black Cats,

no Roman candles
or Screamin' Mimis?

No.
Oh, come on, man.
You don't got no Ladyfingers,

Buzz Bottles, Snicker Bombs,
Church Burners,
Finger Blasters,

Gut Busters, Zip-a-dee-do-dahs
or Crap Flappers?

No, I don't.
You're gonna stand there
owning a fireworks stand

and tell me you don't have
no Whistling Bungholes,

no Spleen Splitters,
Whisker Biscuits,

Honky Lighters,
Husker Du's, Husker Don'ts,

Cherry Bombs, Nipsy Dazers,
with or without
the scooter stick,

or one single
Whistling Kitty Chaser?

No.
Wha...

'Cause snakes and sparklers
are the only ones I like.

Well, that might be
your problem.

It's not what you like.
It's the consumer.

Whee! Lookie there.

Oh, that's happening, man.
We should get bleachers
over here.

People'll come
from miles around
to see this thing.

Feast your eyes
on a feast of smoke.

Oh, dang. It's out.
Oh, CNN's gonna turn around
and go home now.

What's going on, man?
I saw a snail over there
and he said,

"That thing's slow. It ain't
movin' fast. It's boring and
dull. I'm yawning."

That's a snail watching that.
There's a snail
in the desert?

Yeah, a spaceship
dropped him off.

Don't focus on the wrong
part of the story, brother.

And the snail can talk?

Yeah, because they gave
him powers, the aliens.

They made his little voice
box... Dude, I'm just sayin'
it's dull, all right?

This ain't fun.
Look at that little
piece of char.

You need explosions.
You need stuff going on, man.

No wonder this thing's
going under. You got nothing.
It's wussy stuff.

Well...

I got these two sticks.

Oh, dang. These are yours?
These are Roman candles,
brother. That's good stuff.

Get this thing full
of lighter fluid.

Yeah.

The Roman candle.
Step back a little bit.

Yee!
That's what I'm talkin' about.

That's beautiful.
Beautiful? I'm looking
for "righteously kick-ass."

You know what we need?
Gasoline.

Yeah.

Breakfast of champions.

All right, you might want
to take a few extra steps
back on this one.

God.

Oh, man.
What did I trip over?

There's something metal
sticking out of the ground.

You okay?

What is this thing, man?

Maybe we should take it over
to that place, the laboratory
over in the next town,

Los Alamos.

That symbol looks very stern.

Yeah, man. That's definitely
what we should do.
That's the right thing.

But first...

Yeah, jam that in
the gas bucket.

We'll shoot fireballs at it.
We gotta step way back.
This is gonna be fun.

Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Look at that shit!

Oh, man, we're gonna
get so busted!
Let's get out of here!

(SCREAMING)

What happened, man?

You tripped over that object
in the ground.
You were knocked out.

That thing's
an atom bomb, man.

I got an idea.

"Canyon Rubberneckers
tour bus.

"The Grand Canyon's
number-one purveyor
of fine bus tours."

I still don't see
why we're going to
the tour bus company.

Don't you see?
All the tourists at the canyon
that day my parents lost me,

they had cameras.

And you can't tell me,
in all those pictures
they took,

there won't be some
that accidentally

have me and my parents
in 'em, man.

The company'll have records
of who used the tour that day.

But that was more
than ten years ago.

Besides, they won't just
hand the records over to us.

We're just an Indian
and some guy.

Uh-uh, man.

You can't have
"no" in your heart. "No" is
not an option, brother.

You're not just an Indian.
You're Kicking Wing.
All right?

And one day, you're gonna be
Kicking Wing, Animal Doctor.

And then you should change
your name to Kicking Ass.
I would.

Oh, man. Swerve them potholes.
You know, because of
the atom bomb.

Ah.

One swing, and this here
ball-peen hammer
will trigger this A-bomb,

and it'll blow up
the whole city,
maybe even half the country.

Now, here's what I need.

I need you to give
me the records

of everybody who toured
the Grand Canyon
on them buses

June 13, 1979.

I'm not messin' around.
I'll hit it. And then it
goes bang. All right?

Now, while I'm
up here waiting,

you.
Me?

Show me them boobies.

Dang.

Now, even you liked the way
that chick looked, didn't you?

Even me?
What's that supposed
to mean, man?

I'm just saying, I'm beginning
to doubt your hetero street
credentials here.

I mean, never putting
the moves on Brandy...

Brandy, man...
She's too beautiful.

She's way too hot for me.

He has no idea
that Brandy even likes him.

His voice is so sexy.
I wonder what he looks like.
(GIGGLES)

ZANDER: You're standing there
with an atom bomb.

Could be Fat Man,
could be Little Boy.
We'll nail that down later.

But anyway, did you get
the names you wanted?

Yeah, I did, but by the way,
it wasn't no atom bomb.

Turns out, some skateboarder
slapped a Biohazard band
sticker on the side of this

septic tank for an R.V.

Anyway, the cops knew
it wasn't a bomb right away.

Yeah. Who hasn't seen
that scenario played out?

It's just an old crapper tank,
people.

(PEOPLE GROANING)

Kicking Wing!
Stop it.

Somebody help me!

Help me!

Ew!

Is it done?
How much is in there?

I got the poo on me.

ZANDER: You are so pathetic.

They decided not even
to arrest me.

They said being covered
in that stinky stuff
was punishment enough.

Don't you get it, man?
Stinky stuff is your milieu.
Okay? This is your deal.

You are an underachievement
nexus in the universe, and

it's always gonna be
like this, Joey.

No, man, but you gotta
keep going.
What am I gonna do, quit?

That's not an option.
You got to keep on keepin' on.

Life's a garden, dig it?
You make it work for you.

You never give up, man.
That's my philosophy.
You hear that in there?

You know, the thing that
drives me crazy and

fascinates me
at the same time

is that you are so
unrelentingly upbeat
about your plight.

I need more, man. I'll be
honest with you. I want to
see you in here tomorrow.

I want to hear more
of the saga of Joe Dirt.

All right. Thanks, you guys.

All right, Joe!

Yeah, baby.

(DAVE MATTHEWS BAND
CRASH INTO ME PLAYING)

♪ You've got your ball
You've got your chain

♪ Tied to me tight
Tie me up again

♪ Who's got the claws
in you my friend

♪ Into your heart
Heart beat again

♪ Sweet like candy
to my soul

♪ Sweet you rock
and sweet you roll

♪ Lost for you
I'm so lost for you

♪ Oh, and you come crash

♪ Into me ♪

MAN: You're listening to
the Zander Kelly Show on KXLA.

MAN: You're listening to
the Zander Kelly Show on KXLA.

All right.
Good morning, troops.

This is Zander Kelly,
and you, of course,

are careening headlong
into yet another hellish day

in the tiny existence
you laughingly refer to
as your life.

I'm here with Joe Dirt.

Joey, the tale could not be
told in one day, and we've
asked you back today.

I might say the joint
looks great. The toilets
are freshly scrubbed.

The floor is spick-and-span.

Hey, Joe, did you use
the stuff with the tiny
scrubbing bubbles?

They clean the bowl
so you don't have to.

(CHUCKLES)
No, I didn't.

Yesterday,
provide a little back-story
for the listeners,

you were telling us
that you were covered
in crap,

and you are a complete loser.

Have I nailed
the pertinent facts?

Well, let me emphasize to
the listeners those are
your words, not mine.

Sorry, Billy Jack.
So now you have
a bunch of names

of people who might actually
have a photograph of you
and your parents, right?

Right.
I got a big bunch of names.

So now I got to span
the country to find
all these people,

to see if anybody's got
a photograph
from that one day.

"Anderson, Anders,
Asnov, Ast..."

I mean, all these people
were on them tour buses
that day?

"Belitnikoff..."
It's gonna take forever, man.
But I gotta do it.

Joe Dirt, I wish you luck.
I hope you find
what you're looking for.

And remember that town
you're always talking about.

Yeah, Silvertown, man.

Yes. Silvertown.
You make it sound like
the most wonderful place.

So you've always got
Silvertown.
Remember that, Joe Dirt.

And you remember to keep on
keepin' on, man, and
you'll be a veterinarian,

'cause I believe people get
what they really, really want

especially a cool guy
like you, Kicking Wing.

You know what?

You're my first real friend
I've found outside of
Charlie and Brandy.

Oh. Okay.

That's good. That's good.

DIRT: That hug was
completely asexual.
He kind of snuck it up on me.

ZANDER: Whatever you gotta
tell yourself, Joe Dirt.

(MUMBLING)

KICKING WING:
I love you, Joe Dirt.

DIRT: So I hit the road
with my list of names,

looking for tourists who might
have photos of my folks.

I hit pay dirt
when I got a job
with a traveling carnival

and that's when things
got a little weird.

(GEORGE THOROGOOD'S
WHO DO YOU LOVE PLAYING)

♪ Come on take a little walk
with me baby, and tell me
who do you love?

♪ Who do you love?

♪ Around the town
I use a rattlesnake whip

♪ Take it easy baby
don't you give me no lip

♪ Who do you love?

♪ Who do you love?

♪ I've got a tombstone hand
and a graveyard mind

♪ I'm just twenty-two
and I don't mind dying

♪ Who do you love?

♪ Yeah, who do you love? ♪

Dang.

Can I go again? Please?

No, you've been on the ride
long enough.
It's time to go home.

I got you, buddy.
Who's this chick over here?
That your girlfriend?

You should see my girlfriend.
You'd shit yourself.

Really?

Tell you what.
I'm gonna give you
a free spin.

I'm gonna talk to your
lady friend over there.
How 'bout that?

Yes!

DIRT: Good job, sir.
Yeah, keep 'em straight like
that. Good strategy.

You know, the life
of a carnival worker keeps me
free and untethered.

I know.
That's why I was immediately
attracted to you.

I could tell you
were an outlaw.

Is that right?
Yeah, I am kind of an outlaw
through and through, baby.

MAN : Damn.
Good toss there, sir.
Good one.

You know, society's
got no hold on this outlaw.

Damn it!
All right, all right.
Real close.

You know, I'm like a bird.
Actually, more like
a hard-ass pterodactyl.

(CAWING)

MAN : This is bullshit!

Hey, God forbid you don't win
after throwing only
two quarters, man.

It's a business.
It ain't UNICEF, okay?

I got a good mind to take my
outlaw ass and... Yeah, you
better walk away, hardass.

Some people, right?

I know.

So later on, I'm pickin' up
my Hemi Road Runner.
That's right, I said Hemi.

Wow. A Hemi?

Balls to the wall.
Oh, yeah.

I left it here.
Friend's house.

Well, actually it got towed
two years ago. But I'm gonna
pick it up this afternoon.

I might need
a pretty little lady

to sit on the front seat with
me while I break her in...

The car, I mean.

What do you say?

That's a big 10-4.

Hey, my man.
I got a big date tonight.
I'm here to pick up my ride.

License and registration?

Yes, sir.

She's gonna freak out
when she sees my wheels.

Total impound fees
come to $3,496.

Plus 35 bucks for the tow.

What?

Three thousand, man...
That's more than I paid
for the whole car!

Oh. Hmm. Interesting.

You want it or not?
Yeah, but...

I think that all I got's,
like, 450 bucks.

This is a business.
This is not a charity.

Maybe one day UNICEF will
get into the impound business.

(FLY BUZZING)
But until then,
we're the people to see.

I'll tell you what I could do.

I could sell you a car
for 450 bucks, but

it ain't gonna be no Hemi.

(ENGINE STARTS)

I thought you had a Hemi.

Yeah, I had to have a
footprint gas pedal installed.

So I stole this pile.

Oh. My outlaw.

That's right. Let's go.

So, I had fun tonight.

Even though you took me
to the carnival that
I was already at.

Yeah, I had fun too.
Hey, listen. Can I ask you
a question?

Mm-hmm.

If I told you you had
a beautiful body, would you
hold it against me?

Sure would.

Wanna go to my place?
Sure do.

(GIGGLING)

All right. Finish your story.
Why do you live
with foster parents?

Well, because when I was,
like, nine or ten years old

my parents pulled over
on the side of the road
to look at that big dinosaur

out there in California,
Mm-hmm.

And the next thing I knew,
they were gone.

Wait a minute.
Did you have a brother?

Mm-hmm. I did.

So, you wanna go back
in the house?

We can have sex.
(CHUCKLES)

(WHIRRING)

She's your sister, dude.
She's gotta be. And you
made out with her, man!

What's wrong with you,
you pervert?

Well, I didn't know
she was my sister
when I kissed her.

So it's not my fault.
And she's one of the
hottest girls on the planet.

You just said
your sister's hot!

What a freak!
You're goin' to hell, man!

I got to tell her
what happened,
why I got weird.

And for God's sakes, I got to
treat her like a sister.

(WOMAN MOANING)
(BED SPRING SQUEAKING)

Joe...

ALL: Oh!
Joe, no!

We've got questions
comin' in from...
(PHONES RINGING)

Boss, the phones
are goin' nuts.
That was a bombshell.

Wait, wait, man.
I found out later that
she wasn't my sister.

Oh, thank God!

Thank God, dude!
That was gonna be
a little much.

So I did a real
bad thing there,

'cause I think you're
my sister.

Is that all?
No!

My family's last name
is Buckwalter.
My brother's name is Cletis.

So, you see,
we're not related.
We can have sex again.

(GEORGE THOROGOOD'S
BAD TO THE BONE PLAYS)

(MUSIC DISTORTS, STOPS)

Joe, what's the matter?
Don't I turn you on?

I don't know
what the problem is.

Well, would it help if you
went back to thinkin'
I'm your sister?

Like I'm some sort of
white-trash perv?

I'm your sister!
I'm your sister!

DIRT: Oh, you're my sister!

Oh, no!
I'm kiddin', I'm kiddin'.

I just made that last part up
for laughs, you guys,
I'm tellin' you.

(LAUGHING)
Let's break it off for today.

You haul your mangy ass
in here tomorrow morning,
and we will continue

the fascinating saga
that I'm now referring to as

"The Legend of Dirty Joe."
(LAUGHING AN D CLAPPING)

Hi, this is Brandy.
I'm not here right now.
Please leave a message.

(BEEPS)

Hey, Brandy, it's Joe.
I'm out in L.A.

They got me on a radio station
tellin' my story to everybody.

I didn't get
to the sad part yet.

I'm guessin' you had reasons
for doin' what you did.

And I guess I'm just callin'
to say goodbye.

I miss you, Brandy.

Okay.

MAN: You're listening to
The Zander Kelly Show on KXLA.

ZANDER: Good morning, L.A.
Zander here.
We're sittin' with

the king of all dirt-balls,
Mr. Joe Dirt.

You know, last night
when I went home,
rented The Andromeda Strain,

just so I could simulate
immersion into that
bacteriologically unsound

world you call
your day-to-day life.
And I feel like

I know where you live.
I've got you
in my crosshairs now.

Uh, we're gonna go
back to your story,
pick it up.

What really happened was,
I had a car now

so I left the carnival
and kept runnin' down
the names on my list

lookin' for people
who took those photos
at the Grand Canyon.

Somewhere in Indiana
I hit a little snag.

I found a guy
who had pictures, but he
turned out to be a freak.

I guess this is the place.
Buffalo Bob's
kind of a weird name.

But people say Joe Dirt's
a weird name,
and how cool am I?

Excuse me, sir.

Hey, there, young fella.

Hey. I'm lookin' for a guy
named Buffalo Bob.

Real name's Tim.
How can I help you?

Well, I wanted to talk to you
about the time you went
to the Grand Canyon.

Sure.
Why don't you come on inside?
What'd you say your name was?

Joe Dirt.

Joe Dirt.

It puts the lotion on!

You have no idea what kind
of hell I can bring you!

Oh, all right!

Enough, you broken record!
Okay! I've been down here
for two weeks, man.

What do you want?

It puts the lotion
on its skin, now!

Well, say it, don't spray it,
brother! Dang.

I need a towel now.

It does what it's told!

There. Look. I'm puttin'
the lotion on the skin.

I'm rubbin' it in.
(DOG WHIMPERING)

Hey, to tell you the truth,
brother, between you and me,

that thing with the dog
is comin' off a little fruity.

That's just me talkin'.
I don't...

Where's my supplies?

Yeah. Come on, man.
I thought we had a deal.

Aw, for Christ's sake!
Here!

Ha-ha-ha!
Whee, Auto Trader!

Ooh, August.
I don't got this one.

There's some deals in here.
Oh, check this out.
A '71 'Cuda,

plum crazy purple.

This guy wants 14 grand.

What?

I'd give him 7,500.
I used to have one of these.
This guy's crazy.

MAN ON BULLHORN : We've got
the place surrounded. Come out
with your hands in the air.

Uh-oh.

Hey, a little help?
MAN: There he is, boys!
Get him!

Get him!
Man in the hole.

Down here.

MAN : Stay on your back!

I hear people.

Hey, it puts the Joe Dirt
in the hole.

COP: Yeah, he was gonna
flay you alive, then use
your skin to cover himself

like a Joe Dirt trench coat.

Oh, yeah?
That's gross, man.

I think these are pictures
from the Grand Canyon.

Yeah, he's been takin'
hundreds of photos
over the years,

lookin' for skin
that he liked.

Then he was gonna
wear the skin around the house

with his wiener tucked under,
kinda like a woman.

That's sick, man.

I think that's little me
in the garbage can!

No way. And that's my...
my dad and my mom.

And this is our car,

and it's got...
Louisiana plates.

Hell, yeah, I'm going
to Louisiana, brother!

So, I cruised down south
to New Orleans and
found a base of operations

for my search
at a local grade school.

I was gonna be a janitor.

Mostly mopping.
Once in a while you got
a problem with the boiler.

You have to hit it
with a hammer,
but it's a good job.

That's all right.
I appreciate this job, man.

This'll be a good base
for me here in Louisiana
while I look for my parents.

I got a picture of 'em.

I don't recognize them.

If you find them, are you
gonna tell 'em
what happened to you?

Oh. That Buffalo Bob thing?
There's not much to tell.

I heard some things.
It's not good.
He's a bad guy.

What... What exactly
did you hear?

The past is past,
the future's now.

That's true.
Amen to that.

Clem, are you from
around here? 'Cause
your accent sounds like

New York or somethin'.

No. I'm from here.

Born and raised.
No, not here.

Over in Kansas.

Is this your wife?

Ex-wife.

She was shot six times.

New York City.
I mean, Kansas.

She was somethin'.
Her eyes were somethin'.
Azure, you know.

Honey-blonde hair.
Her body...

Her legs went on for days.

If she was here right now,
maybe we'd have a house
with a little fence

up in Silvertown,
that place you talk about.

That's a nice place.

You, uh...
you really loved her, huh.

You might say that.
Yeah.

(BUZZING)
WOMAN: Clem, a kid puked in
the cafeteria again.

We need a cleanup
right away.

I'm on it!

That's you.

Oh.

Whoa!
Hey, I'm Joe.
Where's the throw-up?

Over there in the middle
of the lunch room.

Hey, I'll get that cleaned up
lickety-split.

Speakin' of lickety-split,
let's meet up later,
see what's goin' on.

I'm kiddin'.
But seriously, let's hook up.

I'm new in town, kinda lonely,
lookin' for my parents.

Yeah. Well, the puke pile's
right over there.

It's a pretty big
pile of puke.

So, clean the puke.
Okay.

Well, well,
lookie here.

Corn off the cob.
(CHUCKLES)

This kid should get
his money back.

Look! The janitor's
gonna eat the puke!
They're hilarious, huh?

I assure you I won't.
I'm a vegetarian,
and it looks like

there's some meat in there.

I like kids.
They seem to like...
(LAUGHING)

They seem to like me.

(LAUGHING)

I'll try the old
reverse psychology.

I like gettin' hit with
hot dogs.
It don't bother me none.

Oh! Stop it!

I guess I'm lucky it wasn't
hot chili day today.

Aah!

Okay, class, let's hear
what these results are.

If my calculations
are correct,
this will create ice.

(COUGHING)
Oh, no!

Killer mustard gas!

(R&B PLAYING)

(MUSIC STOPS)

What'd you say?
Whoa.

You're talkin' to me
all wrong. It's...

It's the wrong tone.

You do it again,
I'll stab you in the face
with a soldering iron.

Is that right?

Let me ask you somethin', huh.

Does your mother sew?

Boom!

Get her to sew that!

(GAS HISSING)

(PEOPLE COUGHING)

Whoa!

You'd think those stupid
punks could come up with
somethin' funnier than

"Don't eat it! Don't eat it!
Here's a hot dog!"

(BELL RINGING)
(COUGHING)

(RINGING CONTINUES)

Whoa, whoa.
Hey, what's goin' on, man?

Did you kick their asses?

He saved us from
the mustard gas.
Whoa.

You saved our lives, Clem.

Whoa!

Not me!
That's the guy!

No, you're the one
that carried us out.
Shut up, you hard-on.

That's the guy!
That's the hero!

All right, well, then,
thank God for Joe Dirt.

Oh, no, man, It wasn't me.

That's Joe Dirt!

Joe Dirt! Joe Dirt!

Joe Dirt! Joe Dirt!

Joe Dirt! Joe Dirt!
(CHANTING, CHEERING)

Come on, Joe Dirt!

MAN : How does it feel
to be a hero, Joe?

WOMAN : Over here, Mr. Dirt.
Oh, uh, well, it's like this.

MAN : Probably feels good,
especially after that brutal
run- In with Buffalo Bob.

I don't know why you
ask about that guy.
Nothin' happened.

WOMAN : That's not
what I heard.

WOMAN 2: What's the deal with
your haircut, Joe?

It's a wig. I was born
without the top of my skull.

Everybody, I'm lookin'
for my parents.

Here's a picture of them.
It's taken 15 years ago
at the Grand Canyon.

If anybody has any information
on the whereabouts of 'em,

please call this number, okay.
You might get a machine.

But if a girl answers,
her name's Brandy.
Give her your info.

I appreciate any help
I can get.

That bein' said,
here's the real scoop.

I ain't the guy
that saved them kids.

WOMAN : Oh, my God.

I'm sorry, man.
Here's the real hero.

His name's Clem Doore,
and he's from Josette,
Louisiana.

He's a friend of mine.

Oh, no.

He's your real hero,
people, not me.

(TIRE SQUEALS)

Let's go. Come on, come on.
Move it, move it.

Move your asses. Come on.
Okay, this is where
that rat bastard lives.

You two shoot him low,
you shoot him high.

I'm gonna shoot him
right through his heart.
All right, let's go.

(GUN SHOT)

Come on, let's move it!
Kick it in! Kick it in!

(GUN SHOTS, SHATTERING)

Hey, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.

What happened here?
Don't I know you
from somewhere?

I don't know. What's goin' on?

Wait a minute, yeah.
You're that guy that had
that run- In with that

psycho over in Indiana.
Buffalo Bob, right?

Yeah. It was really
no big deal.
No big deal?

That's not what I heard.

Is Clem all right?

No, he's dead.

He's dead?
Man, what happened?

Your buddy Clem's real name
was Anthony Benedetti.

He was the former boss of
the Cammalleri crime family.

He was in town here
on the Federal witness
relocation program.

What?

He turned informer when the
Syndicate executed his wife.

His old cronies must've
somehow found he was down
here

and they came and killed him.

He killed all them too.

Uh, it's a big mess.

Oh, my God, man.
This is my fault.

Hey, hey, hey! Whoa!
Whoa, whoa.

Can you be cool and let me
just talk to him
for a second here, man?

He's a friend of mine.
This whole thing's my fault.

All right, go ahead.

Clem, I didn't know you didn't
wanna be on TV.

I was just tryin' to get the
word out about my parents,
man. I'm so sorry.

But maybe you'll find
your wife in heaven.

She'll be just how
you remembered her.

Them big doe eyes.

That soft honey-blonde hair.

Smooth tan skin.

Huge pert rack.

Long legs goin' up
to that tight butt.

Mmm. Mmm.
Mmm.

Clem, you asshole.
Are you alive?

Shh. They're pretending
I'm dead so's they
can move me.

I just didn't know
you were in this witness
protection thing, brother.

I never would have said
your name on TV, man.

It's okay.
I felt it was time to move on
anyway, you know.

Maybe find a better town.

Joe, there's somethin'
you should think about.
I was thinkin' about that car.

The Rambler wagon.
That's a rare car.

People would remember
selling a car like that.

MAN : Where's that dead guy?

Wait, wait, Joe.
Wait.

Take care,
Joe Dirt.

Whoa. Watch my hair.

Yep, those came with
a six-cylinder 258 automatic
with three on the tree.

Sweet-lookin' little things,
weren't they?

For sure, man.
How many?

Well, that's what
I'm tryin' to call up here.

Now let's see.
In Louisiana, 1968, we sold...

Wee, doggy! Seventy-three
of those little buggers.

Now you tell me your daddy's
name, and I'll tell you the
dealership where he bought it.

That's just it.
I don't know his name. That's
what I'm tryin' to find out.

Oh. Well, then...

The best I can do is give you
a printout of all 73 people
who bought the car.

Later, if you come up with
their last name, you can
go on from there.

By the way, I'm only doin'
all of this 'cause I heard
that Buffalo Bob guy shoved

a road flare up
your bunghole.
What?

Hoorah.
What... I keep hearin'
about this guy.

Nothin' happened with him.
Nothin' weird. Nothin'.

DIRT: Anyway, that list had
names from all over the state.

But I was flat broke.
I didn't have no money
for gas.

So, I found a job, and that
led to the biggest break
In my case yet.

I don't know, Joe.

The way you describe that
town out in the northwest,
Silvertown.

Hell, I have half a mind
to move there myself.

Can I ask you a question?

Sure, honey. Shoot.

Your mom and dad still alive.

No.

Did they die?

One night, they got
swallowed up by the biggest
damn gator we ever had.

No.

Before they died,
they killed that gator

from the inside by punchin'
out his heart, is my guess.

That's brutal.

The brutal part?

Later that night, I took
my mama's hedge clippers

and cut open that gator
and pulled my folks
out of its belly.

(GASPS)
See, I just couldn't stand
the thought of my parents

being turned into
alligator shit.

God, I hate these
nasty things!

BOY: Hurry up, Phillip.

If I met the right man...

I mean, hell, I'd just shut
this old gator farm
down and...

But, you know,
you probably don't wanna
hear all my problems, huh.

MAN ON P.A SYSTEM: Folks,
grab the kids. The gator
show's about to start.

Yeah. Well, I'd better go.
It's show time.

There's three things
to remember when dealin'
with a deadly alligator.

And, yes, they are deadly.
Don't kid yourself.

Rule number one,
I'm number one.

(SNARLING)
You hear that?
I like to kid around.

Rule two.
The croc's number two.
Now, before I begin...

Hey, what's rule three?
What's that?
Kid, give me a break now.

So, you don't know rule three?

Yeah, you want a match.

My face and your ass.
How about that, friend, huh.

I mean, your ass and my face.
What's up? Here we go.

I'm a bit of a crocophile,
so don't try this at home.

This here's Rocky,
and he ain't no puppy.

Now, let's see if Rocky's
got some cavities.
Ahh.

(GASPS)

Now, this mofo knows
not to mess with
Sir Joseph Dirt.

Aah! You didn't listen to me!

Aah! Aah!

Rocky! Rocky! No!

Come on, eh.
Rocky!

Rocky!
Oh!

Aah! Aah!

(CHEERING)

Oh, when bad pets
go bad, dang!

Oh, Joe, are you all right?

(MUTTERING)

It's like the cartoons.
I'm seein' all tweet-tweet.

Joe, what can I do for you?

You're not makin' any sense.

Not makin'?

Not makin'?

That's why Dad named you
Joe Dirt instead of Nunamaker!

Nunamaker!
Nunamaker!

That's what my sister said
on the way to the
Grand Canyon.

My last name's Dirt,
her last name's Nunamaker!

That's my parents' last name!

DIRT: I checked my list
of Rambler wagons,
and there it was, Nunamaker.

Baton Rouge,
Louisiana.

I was finally home.

Sir.

Hey, Mister, you know
the people who live here,
Nunamaker?

(WITH LOUISIANA ACCENT)
They moved.

What's that?

Moved!

They moved. 'Bout 15 year ago.

Had a little boy.
Had exact kind of haircut
you got now. (LAUGHING)

Damn, you outta date, boy.
Yeah, man. That little boy,
that's me.

My parents were...
This was my home.

I thought this was it
this time.

Nah. Home is where
you make it.

You like to see homos naked?

Home is where you make it.

You like to see homos naked.
That's cool, man. Whatever.
No, no, no, no, no!

Home is where you make it!

Home where you make it.

Oh.

Everybody know that.
Goddamn, boy.

Guy likes to see homos naked.
That don't help me.

(ANIMAL HOWLS)

DIRT: So, there I was,
right back where I started
all those years ago,

and no closer
to findin' my parents.

And I think a little part
of me died right there.

But you know that saying,
"Things get the darkest
before dawn"?

I thought I had broken my ass
bone.

So, I tried not to move.
And I'm lyin' there
starin' at the moon,

and for the first time
in my life, I think about
not gettin' back up.

Maybe I'll just lie there for
the rest of my life, you know.

But then, suddenly,
while starin' up at the moon,

I had this strange feeling
that exact moment,

Brandy was starin'
at that same moon.

And we were together.

And just then,
all the tumblers
fell into place.

And this door opened
in my head, and all at once
I understood everything.

You have to find the real
answer inside yourself.

And the answer for me was
that I had a home all along,

with a friend that really
cared about me. Brandy.
I missed her like crazy,

and I decided
it was time to go home.
My search was over.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

DIRT: Brandy, wish I hadn't
gotten the machine.
It's me, Joe.

I got some crazy stuff
to tell you,

but the most important part is
I'm comin' back to Silvertown.
I can't wait to see you

and tell you everything.
Brandy, I...
(BEEP)

Message deleted.

Yeah! Whoo!

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Well, well, well.

If it isn't dirty Joe Dirt.
Hey, Robby,
what's crappenin'?

Don't get smart with me,
you motherless dirtbag!

You been here long enough.

I'm here to see Brandy.

Brandy? My Brandy? You haven't
heard? Me and her are
gettin' married.

Yeah.
And besides, she don't
wanna see you anyway.

I don't believe that.

Well, it's true.

She found your
stupid parents.
What?

Yeah, she found 'em
down in California.
But she didn't wanna tell you,

'cause she wants you gone,
out on the road
lookin' for nothin',

so you won't be here.
She's sick of all your crap.
She's sick of helpin' you.

And she's just plain
sick of you.
No, she wouldn't do that.

I know Brandy.
She wouldn't not tell me about
my parents.

I don't care how sick of me
she is.

Yeah well, check out
this note she left me.

In case you called
and I answered the phone.

"Dear Robby,

"if Joe calls,

"don't tell him

"I found his parents.

"I'll be back
in a few days."

See, she signed it
right there.
"Brandy. XOXO."

That's right, Dirt.
Nobody wants you in this town.

Nobody wants you around,
period!

Aww.

Look at him, fellas.
(MEN CHUCKLING)

You cryin', boy?
You cryin', boy?

Maybe we'll go to McDonald's
and get you a whaa-burger
and some French cries!

How about a Whineken?
You little sissy boy!
Def Leppard sucks!

For the record,
I wasn't crying'.
There was dirt in my eyes.

Joey, it's not cuttin' it,
man. It's jive.

My story no, man.
Everything I said is true.

No, not your story.
Brandy. Brandy is jive.

And I wanna get her
on the phone right now.
I wanna track her down.

And I wanna ask her
why she was playin'
these games with you.

No, man. You don't need
to bother her none.

Freddy?
Freddy, get line 3 on speaker.

No. You know what,
guys, I'm fine.

Everything's cool with me.
I got a place up in Malibu,
I got lots of friends.

I do worry about you, man.
You know why? Because you're
livin' In a boiler room, Joe.

Yeah, I got
a couple places.

You know what, Joey?
I think you... You know what,
I can't believe I'm sayin'...

I think we need some
resolution here.
We need a little closure.

I wanna get this woman on the
phone, and I wanna
ask her what

the hell was goin'
on back then.
Did she find your parents?

Did she ever track 'em down
and if she did, well, why
couldn't she have called you?

(PHONE RINGING)
BRANDY: Hello.

Well, well, well,
the famous Brandy, Tokyo
Rose of the trailer park.

Hey, Brandy, I'm sittin' here
with a friend of yours,

a little white-trash treasure
that you might know
by the name of Joe Dirt.

Ring a bell?
BRANDY: Joe?

Yeah, Joe.
And I don't think he wants
to talk to you, Brandy.

And you know why?
'Cause over the last
few days, my listeners

and I have heard
an amazing story.

You know what? When he first
started this story, I thought
of you as a good person.

But the more it rolled on
down the road,
I'm not sure you are

a good person, Brandy.
Why didn't you tell him
you'd found his parents?

BRANDY: Oh, my God.
How'd he find out?

So the letter Robby
showed Joe is true?
You wrote that?

BRANDY: Yes, I wrote
that letter,

because I wanted
to tell Joe in person.

And months went by,
and he never came home.

Joe, I did find
where your parents were.

Joe, brace yourself for this.

Your parents are dead, Joe.

They died that day
at the Grand Canyon.

Their car was hit
by a passin' truck,
a hit-and-run.

I'm so sorry,
but your search is over.

Come home, Joe,
so I can take care of you.

Oh, man.

(SNIFFS)

I gotta go.

Sure.

Thank you.

All right, we'll, uh...
We'll take a break.

(PHONE BEEPS)

MAN : Yeah, he's Joe Dirt!

(SHOUTING, CHEERING)

Joe Dirt! Joe Dirt!
You rule, Joe!

You rule!
Joe Dirt! Joe Dirt!
Joe Dirt!

Joe Dirt! Joe Dirt!
Joe Dirt!
Joe Dirt! Joe Dirt!

The phenomenon
of Joe Dirt has captured

the city's imagination.
The little man,
the ordinary person

who endured
enormous adversity,
and all the while maintained

his positive outlook on life,
teaching us
along the way,

"You can't have 'no'
in your heart,"

and "Life's a garden.
Dig it."
Mr. Dirt is seen here meeting

one of his longtime idols,
Eddie Money.

(EDDIE MONEY'S
WALK ON WATER PLAYING)

♪ Well, if I could
walk on water

♪ And if I could find
some way to prove

♪ If I could walk on water
would you believe in me

♪ My love is so true

♪ Do I have to find
some way to prove

♪ Do I have to walk on water
Walk on water for you ♪

Welcome back to TRL.

We are here with America's
sweetheart, Joe Dirt. Joe?
Joe, come back over here.

Joe!
We have a show to do here.

People forget we're live.
You like the window,
don't you?

Yeah!

Joe, before we wrap this up,
is there anything else
you wanna say?

I just wanna say thanks
to all the people that

stop me in the street
and tell me my story
helped them somehow.

And your story is really cool.
It's like a Behind the Music
without the music.

But are you depressed
I mean, your parents,
who you were looking for,

all along, were dead.
Was the last decade
a complete waste?

Well, uh, no one's
really put it like that,
but I don't think so.

I've had some good times,
met some cool people, cruised
around, cranked some tunes.

What about Brandy
Is there any chance you guys
are gonna hook back up?

Um, well, you know,
she's a good friend of mine,
and she's off doin'

her own thing right now,
but I've always said
she's a little too hot

for old Joe Dirt.
I agree.
So does America.

In fact, in our latest
"Is Brandy too hot
for Joe Dirt?" poll,

61 % of you agreed.
Even worse, 4% said the dog
was too hot for you.

Dang.
I'm just kidding.
You're on TRL, California.

Hello, California.

WOMAN: Hey, wait... Am I ...
Am I on? I'm on?

Hey, baby, I'm on!
Yeah. Hey, Carson,
how big's your Johnny?

Joe, I think happy hour
started a little early
in California.

A little drinky-drinky.
The reason I'm really callin'
is Joe Dirt's parents

ain't dead.
I'm lookin' at his father
right now, and I'm his mama.

Ma'am, you should never
drink the bong water.
Yeah, listen to him.

Carson, just where you
wanna be when Jesus
comes back?

Makin' fun...
Sorry, Joe.

Wait, wait. Where's that
call comin' from?
California.

Listen, I gotta go.

Oh, no, Joe!

So, Carson helped me
trace the call,

and it led me
to this old trailer park
in Simi Valley, California.

Wow. Wow.

That's our old car!

Right here, guys.
There he is.

WOMAN : Joe, can I have
an exclusive?

Your parents
are alive after all?

Joe! Joe!
How are you feeling?

DIRT: Mom, Dad, is that you?

Our baby's home.

Damn. We tried
so hard to find him.
We looked high and low.

I got some pictures here.
Look at this.
Here's a picture of Joe

when he was a baby.
Did you get it?
Yeah. Aw, baby.

You were a cute baby,
Joe Dirt.
That's why we were so crazy

when we lost him.
I mean, he's here
and now he's gone.

Oh, mama,
it's all right.
Where'd he go? Aw.

Did they get it?
Oh, where'd he go?

I was at the canyon, yeah.
You know what?

It was right by
the garbage can
where you left me.

Wha...? Is that
where you were?
Well, I'll be dipped.

The one place
we didn't look.
I knew you looked for me.

I told everybody you would.
And was there ever a time

when you would look
at the moon,
and was hopin' maybe

I was lookin' at it too?

Wouldn't you know

that I've been doin'
this clown sort of thing?
Can everybody get a shot

of these? Do you see
these clown figurines?
Whenever I used to get sad,

I'd just look at a clown,
and then I just can't help it.
I just can't stop grinnin'.

They're available
for purchase.

We're startin' this
Clown.com kind of a thing.

Yeah.

I don't mean to interrupt
your clown pitch there,

but how exactly do you not
go right back to the place
where you saw me?

(NEWS CREW MUTTERING)

Hey, how exactly
is a rainbow made?

How exactly
does the sun set?

How exactly does
the Posi-Trac rear end
on a Plymouth work?

It just does.

It just does.

I'm not talkin'
about Posi-Trac.

I'm talkin' about me.
How long did you look for me
before you gave up?

How long were you
ridin' in that car before
you realized I wasn't in it?

Exactly how long?

All right!
We didn't lose him.

We just left him.
So what?
The dude's doin' fine!

Look at him!

How could you do that to me?
I was only eight years old.

I was just a little kid.
Do you have any idea
what it's like to be a kid and

have nobody around to talk to?
No one that cares
if you're alive or dead?

Every day you just think
you're worthless, and there's
a void in your life.

Oh, come on, honey.
Lose that frown!
Lighten up, buddy.

When you're down,
stare at a clown.

Hey, sit down! You're
blockin' the cameras!
Move over.

I don't care about that!
And I don't care
about you!

And I don't wanna see you
for another 25 years!
Joe, wait!

I wish he'd never found us!
Look what he did
to my children!

Hey, TV people!

Hey, you're grounded!
Hey, TV people!
Why are y'all goin' away?

Come over here!
You don't have to follow him!

(REPORTERS SHOUTING QUESTIONS)

MAN : What are you gonna
do now, Joe?

MAN : Somebody do something.

WOMAN :
Joe, just turn around now.
It's not worth it, Joe.

(HELICOPTER WHIRRING)
REPORTER: We are here at
Wallace Bridge,

where local celebrity Joe Dirt
is threatening
to kill himself.

Come on, Joe.
Remember what you said
on the show,

"Life's a garden.
Dig it?"

You gotta get down from there,
brother. You don't wanna
do this.

Why not, man,
I got nothin'.
I've been lookin' forever

for those people, and everyone
lies to me, man.

I'm worthless.

Joe!

Joe!

Hey, sorry, lady. You can't
cut through here.
Joe, it's me, Brandy!

Oh, it's Brandy?
Like, the Brandy?
Yes!

Why didn't you say so.
Come on!

Hey, everybody, Brandy's here!
Hey, it's Brandy!

Come on, come on.

That's her!

Joe!

Brandy?

I'm here, Joe.

You told me my parents
were dead, and I saw 'em.

They're horrible.
Why did you lie to me?

They saw you on the news
when you saved those kids.
They thought you got a reward.

So you did see 'em first.
So it's just like
Robby said.

Yes, but once I met them,
I knew I had to
protect you from them.

They're bad people.
You're not
like them, Joe.

They didn't leave you.
You left them.
You've gotta see that.

And, Joe, if you had
stayed with them,
you wouldn't have turned out

as wonderful as you are.

Robby said
you didn't want me around,

and he said that you was
always laughin' at me
behind my back.

Why would Robby say
such a thing?
Of course that's not true.

I love you, Joe,
with all my heart.

I wanna get married, Joe,
and have little Joe Dirts.
Come home, Joe.

You had a home all along.
You just couldn't see it.

(NEIGHING)

You really love me?

(CROWD CHEERING)

I did it! I did it!
I roped him
with a bungee cord.

No!

Dang!

Joe! Joe!

Ooh!

(ALL GROAN)

Oh, man. I just had
the weirdest dream.

You were in it.

So were you.

Oh, my God.
Brandy, I'm home?

Clem, Charlene,
Kickin' Wing.

It's not Clem anymore.

It's Gert B. Frobe.

Wha?

Witness Protection relocated
me. I asked for Silvertown,

on account of how you
talked about it.
It's wonderful here.

Hello, Joe Dirt.

You taught me
to sell the good stuff.
Now I have

30 fireworks stands,
which completely fund
my animal shelters.

It's all because of you, Joe.

Good job, brother.

I sold the gator farm, after
one of those bastards snapped
off my thumb

and middle finger. I came up
here to check up on you,
and, well,

I met Gert B. Frobe.

And it's a good thing
that gator didn't get
my ring finger,

because Gert's asked me
to marry him.

Yeah.

Right on.
Joe.

When you were in the hospital
for your head injury,
I had the doctor

surgically put on a wig
that's a little more
contemporary.

Ooh! Dang!
That's cool.

And Joe, we have a big
surprise for you.

What's up?

My Hemi! You got it
outta hock for me? Dang! Yeah!

Somebody else wants
to get in here.

Who's that?

Come on, boy! Come on!
Wow! Looks like
Charlie!

Yep. Apparently,
back in the day,
Charlie had a little sexual

encounter with this one's ma.

Say hello to Charlie Two.

Good boy.
You got a big family now,
Joe Dirt.

You better be good to us.

Oh, I will.

Hey, Dirt!
I thought I told you, buddy,
nobody wants you around!

Hey! You're talkin'
to my guy all wrong.

It's the wrong tone. Do it
again, I'll stab you in the
face with a soldering iron.

You're his dad?

What if I am?
What if we're his family?

Okay.

At least I know my car
will blow his off the road!

You actually think you can
match that little Slant Six
of yours against his 426 Hemi?

Huh?

(ENGINE STARTS)
Then let's do it, little boy.

Whoo!
That's my girl.

Let's rock, Dirtboy.

Let's go!

Damn.

(BELCHES)

Now, it's time
for the good stuff!
Whoo!

Yeah!
Light her up!
(LAUGHING)

ZANDER: This next song
goes out to our good friend,
Joe Dirt, the dirt man.

Joe, wherever you are,
this is for you, buddy.
Welcome home, Joe.

Welcome home.

♪ If you want my love
you got it

♪ When you need my love
you got it

♪ I won't hide it

♪ I won't throw your love away

♪ If you want my love
you got it

♪ When you need my love
you got it

♪ I won't hide it
I won't throw your love away

♪ Yes, I thought you were
a mystery girl

♪ A special girl
in this crazy old world

♪ You couldn't see me
when I laid eyes on you

♪ Lonely is only a place

♪ You don't know
what it's like

♪ You can't fight it

♪ And it's a hole in my heart
in my heart

♪ If you want my love
you got it

♪ When you need my love
you got it

♪ I won't hide it

♪ I won't throw your love away

♪ You hold the secrets
of love in this world

♪ I'm hypnotized
by your every word

♪ A special face
a special voice
a special smile in my life

♪ Lonely is only a place

♪ You don't know
what it's like

♪ You can't fight it

♪ And it's a hole in my heart
in my heart

♪ If you want my love
you got it

♪ When you need my love
you got it

♪ I won't hide it

♪ I won't throw your love away

♪ If you want my love
you got it

♪ When you need my love
you got it

♪ I won't hide it

♪ I won't throw your love away

♪ If you want my love
you got it

♪ When you need my love
you got it

♪ I won't hide it

♪ I won't throw
your love away ♪