Original subtitles

How many beds?

Oh, no.

Come on Mick.

Mick.

See you in a minute.

This is it. Please.

She's called about a thousand times.

She could just leave a voicemail. A voicemail. Please leave a message after

the tone. Beep.

No one leaves voicemails anymore.

Here we go.

Ticked around for the queen.

May I present football grounds of the 1970s. Oh.

Dennis, this only appeals to boring men over 50.

Yeah,

maybe just to...

Flags of the world?

That's better.

That is!

Call an ambulance!

Oh, my God!

What's happened?

He went to sleep on the lounges and then Kaz goes to wake him up and he's not

breathing. He's all grey like an old dog.

Oh, my God!

Let's all just calm down.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Call an ambulance, please.

Why didn't you call an ambulance?

We thought maybe because you're in the police you could mouth a mouth.

Call an ambulance. OK.

I'm going to vom.

What's it been eating?

Chicken Kiev.

I told him we should have had something light like a jacket potato.

Have you got one of them deflabulators?

Defibrillator.

Defibrillator. Defibrillator.

Defibrillator. Jesus wept, Travis. This is what I'm saying.

Defibrillator. It doesn't matter. Dennis, can you please do something?

No, I'm sorry.

From what I could tell, Mick died a few hours ago.

Okay, ambulance is on its way.

He had a little bit of trouble with his heart last year.

When you say a little bit of trouble?

Quadruple bypass.

I see.

Doctor told him he needed to change his lifestyle, but Mick didn't like being

told what to do.

When did you realise something was wrong?

Not till we were leaving.

Mick always had a long sleep after lunch.

He'd put his hair on his face, you know, to keep the sun off.

I should have known, because he wasn't Lauren.

Thanks.

Oh, you're good.

Oh, um, Mum, would you like a drink?

Oh, no, Lauren, I couldn't.

All right, I'll have a vodka tonic.

Double.

Oh, flags, huh?

You like flags? I like flags.

Yeah, flags are kind of my thing. When all my friends were at the skate park, I

was at home looking at flags.

That's so impressive.

Yep. I used to do backstreet flag battles, you know? They gave me a name

in 8 Mile.

That's me.

All right, then.

Rain Man.

What do you make of that?

Oman, Ghana, Malaysia, Denmark, Vietnam, Finland, Iceland, Ireland, and Chad.

Bitch!

You know these families?

Yeah, they've been in all week.

Nice people.

Very sad.

Why did you call me?

Something's not right.

You think they look recently bereaved?

People grieve in different ways.

Something's not right.

They don't look bad enough.

You know what this is like?

Some obscure 90s detective drama?

D.L. and Pascoe, Series 9, Episode 3.

Thought so.

They are in shock.

In a few hours' time, it will hit them.

Jesus!

You have to promise not to gloat.

I don't gloat.

The pathologist wants to keep Mick's body in for more testing.

They think he may have been poisoned.

Hey, Google, what does gloating look like? What kind of poison?

They are still testing.

So, old mickle latte and a builder's tip?

Come on.

You say these people have been in your pap a lot this week. Did you notice

anything strange?

No, it just seemed a good laugh.

Although, a few hours before Mick died, Travis came in in a bit of a day.

Punch me!

Then he came back in a few minutes later, carrying the glass, which was now

full again.

You all right, Travis?

Full with what?

What do you think?

Lauren's got stung by a jellyfish.

You know, weeing on jellyfishing does nothing, actually.

I learned the hard way.

Two households, both alike in dignity, in fair Benidorm, where we lay our

scene. Why are you talking like that?

It's Romeo and Juliet.

Two young lovers, two different families.

No, Ed, no. It's a fat bloke who ate a chicken Kiev and died. You can't say

that.

It's chicken Kiev.

Early post-mortem results suggest Mick died from some kind of poison.

If I drug the quick, thrust with a kiss, I will die.

Maria wants us to go to the hotel, talk to the family, see if there was anything

going on.

Mercy but murder, pardoning those who kill.

When do you want to go?

In about 90 minutes, we'll stop at you.

You always did wear too much perfume.

Hello, Denny.

Hello, Tiff.

How are you, love?

Are you happy?

I'd say I'm as happy as I've been in the last 37 and a half years.

Which is about how long. Yeah, I got that, Dennis.

Good.

I'm happy you're happy. You look happy.

Happy belly.

I'll give you some advice, though, darling. Lose the facial hair.

You never could grow a moustache.

Not as well as you.

Yeah, well, that's all gone now. I've had a full body laser.

I am bored from the eyebrows down.

Two grand.

Eddie pay for that, did he?

We bought it for each other at the moving-in present.

Heath had it done as well?

Mm-hm.

You should see us in the home jacuzzi.

Like a couple of boiled eggs.

So, this is the pub.

Have you got a cleaner?

We don't need a cleaner.

There's the dead mouse by the bin.

Hello.

So what are you doing here, Tiff?

I need your signature.

The divorce can't go through without it.

You came all the way here to get me to send the divorce papers?

Well, the police had sent them and they got nothing back, so...

Still turning up unannounced.

Unannounced?

Dennis, I've called you God knows how many times.

Leave a voicemail. No one leaves voicemails anymore.

Told you.

Just sign the papers and I'll leave you be.

Well, obviously I'm going to have to have my lawyer. Look this over.

What's this?

Divorce papers.

I can change.

You may as well just go home. He's a slow worker.

Rosa Lamas.

Don't be like this, Dennis.

Catch my hairy ass.

So this guy, Eddie, told your wife and you had to leave the police?

He wanted me out and he made it look like I was planting evidence.

And you let him get away with it?

There's no choice. I couldn't prove it.

Would you ever do that? No.

Not even if you knew someone was guilty and they were going to get away with it

if you didn't? No. But if it was the right thing to do? No, Rosa.

That's summary justice. It's wrong and it's against the law.

The law is not always justice and justice is not always the law. You know

who said that?

Yeah, Shakespeare.

No, it was Miss Marple.

So...

How are you holding up?

I'm a mess.

Lauren's been in bits all morning.

Must have been a real shock.

It's a bit of a shock, yeah.

It's knocked Trevor back a bit.

Son of Euro!

Well done, son.

You have known Mecca well, Colin. What was he like?

He was a character.

Wernie Love.

No, he died that that is bit of a character with me. Yeah massive

character When you guys were at the pub he seemed super generous, you know,

always buying the drink He was flash Dad we wasn't I wasn't he?

You ought to be fair He's got an evoke mint in it that Would

you say Mac was rich yeah loaded

He sold his scaffolding company last year. That'd be, you know, comfortable.

We were comfortable.

Kept you in your jails, didn't he?

I pay for these myself.

Every few days she's changing her nails like that, even though the nail polish

remover sets off her eczema. Oh, my God, Mum, stop talking about my eczema.

It's none of my business, but it's me leaving behind a lot of money.

200 grand.

He kept it in a bag for life in the airing cupboard.

How do you know about that?

Laura found it.

She used to borrow the odd notes to pay for her nails.

Presumably that'll all go to Kaz now.

You can finally get that caravan now, Mum.

No. I don't want that caravan without you, Dad.

Yep, Dad.

Did you ever have a case you thought you might not solve?

No.

Seriously? You never had a case where there just wasn't enough evidence?

No, there's always enough evidence if you look hard enough.

I don't remember I found it at the bottom of a pint glass.

You think the poison was in his beer?

No, I'm saying if I drank enough, I'd normally come up with an answer.

Anything?

Nope.

I think this might be a two-pint problem.

That was your third.

So, sometime, we don't know when, someone with no idea who puts something

we don't know what into mixed food. Or drink.

Or drink.

This is going well, isn't it?

You want to know about the dead man?

Not really much want for small talk, are you?

You know the dykes?

The dykes? In the Netherlands, we built the dykes to keep the tea out.

Yes?

Before the dykes, every day, we live knowing that the tea's trying to swallow

us. This is why we don't do small talk.

We don't have time for that shit.

So? I don't know anything about how the man died.

But I do know there were no jellyfish in the sea that day.

You know that? Yes.

I see everything.

All right, is this?

You spoke to Elder Adders?

Yeah.

The restaurant where Mick had his last meal.

Did you get anything?

Fanta.

I meant information.

Oh. Nah, nothing suspicious.

The girl, Lauren, she arrived first and ordered everyone's food.

Apparently, she got some of the orders wrong. Mick wanted steak, not chicken

Kiev, but he didn't really care. He ate it anyway.

What he ate is not important.

They tested for the stomach content. There was no poison in it.

What about the heart? He had that over his face? They tested that, and all his

other belongings.

They are all clean.

I was going to take it all back to his family, but... Here.

You're burning.

I don't burn.

Wasn't in his food?

No, not any of his belongings. Not his suntan lotion or his vape.

The jellyfish?

You can't use a jellyfish as a deadly weapon.

And anyway, there were no jellyfish that day.

So how was he poisoned?

Don't look at me like that. It's my job to ask rhetorical questions.

Want to know what I've been doing?

Not really. I've been doing some excellent detective work.

What did you notice about Colin's tattoos?

They're crap.

One of them is a clock with no hands. You know what that means?

He went to jail.

I hate it when you do that.

What did he go to jail for?

Arms robbery, car theft, assault.

He did eight years behind bars.

Notty, notty.

That's like number one, yes?

We should talk to him.

I've just sat down.

Stand up again.

Can't I just watch the tenant?

Nope. Not if you cannot see it. That's annoying.

You're annoying.

It's the window.

I'll speak to him. You find Lauren.

She was stealing from her dad.

Stepdad.

You should wear a hat. You're burning.

Don't burn.

You got a habit of turning up out of the blue.

Well, I'll be straight with you, Colin.

Still help out the police a bit.

So there's a police issue with it?

Might be.

Then you came to talk to me cos I got previous.

Fair enough, I was a proper dodgy bastard.

So I heard.

And that's just the stuff I got Nick for.

So why did you do it?

Drugs?

Nah, just couldn't be arsed to work.

I look at my boy now, I'm ashamed of myself.

Works all the hours down at it for no money. He never moans.

Seems like a nice lad.

Yeah, he's the best.

I mean, he's never going to win Mastermind, but I tell you, when his mum

died, he was in picking me up off the floor.

Can you think of any reason why someone might want to kill Mick?

Mate, I could think of a thousand.

He was not a good man.

Like you.

I was the same in comparison.

Last Christmas, Kaz got hammered with Lauren, told her everything.

Mick wouldn't let her have her own money, didn't like her going out without

him.

A couple of times he hit her.

Cheers. Yeah, she wouldn't leave him, though.

Lauren's tried persuading her.

I only agreed to come here for Kaz so she could get a break.

Do you know anything about how Mick died, Colin?

What do you think I'd tell you if I did?

You really did go to prison, didn't you?

Yeah, you should see me at table, Tenny.

You wrote each other letters?

Yeah, actual letters.

Mick wouldn't let me have a phone, so... That's so romantic.

What's he hoping to make?

A rattle.

For a baby.

Don't say nothing.

You haven't told anyone.

I got loads!

Well done, babe.

Okay, ladies and gentlemen, what D is the national currency of Vietnam?

Dong.

Why does the girl feel wrong?

I heard her dead at the start.

It's not like on TV.

It's not always goodies and baddies.

Just sign it, Den.

Is it stupid to admit that I thought you might come back?

You and me, out here, running this place.

You've burnt.

I don't burn.

You need to put something on that, you'll start flaking.

Here.

Okay, question number four.

Yazoo reached number three in the UK singles charts in 1982

with what song?

Me and Eddie are getting married then.

I thought you should hear it from me.

Don't go.

What? Yeah, Zoo.

Don't go.

We're there, so... Did you hear what I just said?

Yeah, I heard you.

Congratulations.

You all right?

I'm always all right.

Are you looking after yourself?

Out of your heart?

Grant.

You know Carla's not talking to me.

You have to take some of the blame for what happened.

Some, yeah.

I'll take some.

Okay, question five.

How many Rocky films does Apollo Creed appear in?

Hey.

Can I see you?

Yeah, I'll have the potatoes gravis and the garlic prawns, please. But instead

of potatoes, can I have chips and none of that sauce?

Okay. And no garlic on the prawns.

Actually, instead of prawns, do you just have, like, fish?

So, fish and chips, then?

Yeah, yeah, that would be great.

Thank you. Great.

Wearing your special shirt?

Uh, that's all I had. It's wash day.

You have a wash day?

Of course.

Every 29th of February.

So, what have you got?

About the case?

Oh, uh, well, not a lot, to be honest.

Plenty of motive, but I still don't understand how he was murdered.

If he was murdered.

Right. Yeah.

You know, I realised I don't actually know anything about you. I mean, are you

from around here or...? What's happening?

We're chatting.

Is it a date?

No, no, no.

No.

Unless you want it to be.

I don't want it to be, for the record, but I'm a nice guy. Oh, God, it's a

date. It's not a date.

I just...

I look at you and I see someone who's lonely in a crowded room.

And I get it because I've done the job and... It's hard to let anyone get close

to you.

All the shit you take and the shit you see.

But you need to let someone in.

That's all I'm saying.

You have to let someone in at some time or... Or...

All the important people just...

Cool.

Yeah, this doesn't sound like a date.

No, that's not a date.

Rose for a lady?

The wrong flag!

I lived in a houseboat in Gdansk. I don't know what a Polish flag looks

like, my friend.

All right?

Sure. There's a bit of a row with the picture around, but only if it's... It's

the wrong way round, punk.

This way up is Poland.

This way is Indonesia.

Watch it.

It's not.

I'm telling you.

Listen, I've been there.

Oh, it doesn't matter. Oh, and there's another dead mouse by the things.

You better put some poison down. Why? You cannot kill a dead mouse.

Is it happening?

Oh, it's definitely happening.

What did you say just now? You can't kill a dead mouse?

Lemmy?

Why is the mouse already dead?

Because there's already poison there.

I know how Mick was killed.

And I know why.

And who by.

And what with.

And I take no satisfaction from it whatsoever.

You don't have to do this.

Well, it's like you said at the start.

Bad things happen when good people do nothing.

I don't know who's good and who's bad anymore.

All right, don't you?

What's this about? The police say we can't go home yet.

Come on, I'll get you a drink.

So, the police are doing more tests on Mick.

They're not sure he's dead?

Um, sorry.

They knew he was poisoned, and he was.

By Travis and Lauren.

Sorry. Dennis, if this is a joke, then I'm not laughing.

It's not a joke.

The police knew Mick had ingested some kind of poison, and they were testing to

find out what kind, but...

I worked it out.

Lauren, tell me this isn't true.

Your dad tells me you worked down at the Tit, Travis.

The kind of place that would have plenty of rat poison and they would have

trained you up on how to handle it, how to store it, not to get it wet or it

gives off a gas, phosphine.

Breathe enough of this stuff in and it causes heart problems. So to a man like

Mick, who just did a bypass, was always going to be deadly.

Or how did he breathe it in when I didn't? I've been with him the whole

time we were there.

And the hat.

You knew that Mick would put the hat over his face if he'd fall asleep in the

afternoon.

Rat poison wouldn't have been hard to get hold of. All you had to do was buy

an identical hat and hide the poison inside.

Which you did.

Here.

You soaked the poison in water, unpicked the stitching, stuffed the poison under

the lining.

But the police tested that hat.

They tested that hat.

Not this one.

Not a lot of people know this, but the Union Jack has a right way and a wrong

way up. I knew that.

The difference is subtle.

But I compared the hat he was wearing in the photo when he died to the hat that

was left behind. I could see the flags were different.

He created a diversion.

With the jellyfish thing, that wasn't real.

Kathy told me that Lauren's nail varnish remover causes her eczema to flare up.

So you put some of that on your leg, went to the water for a bit.

And when you came out, pretended you had been stung.

That was the diversion.

When everyone was looking at Lauren making a fuss, Travis switched the hat.

I should have worked it out before.

At low levels, phosphine can smell like garlic. You knew that.

So at lunch, Lauren deliberately got Mick's order wrong. Mick wanted steak,

not chicken Kiev, but he didn't really care. He ate it anyway.

Mick would have thought the faint smell of garlic was coming from him. What's he

been eating?

Chicken Kiev.

I told him he should have had something light like a jacket potato.

After Mick was discovered, it was Travis and Colin that carried him up the beach

to the pub here. You were the last one to arrive.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

You hung back so that you could switch the poison hat for the clean one.

Then when you got here, you made a big thing about feeling sick.

I'm going to vomit.

But you didn't go to the toilet.

Instead... He went to the bin to get rid of the poisoned hat.

If it weren't for the occasional mice we get out the back, we probably never

would have found out.

Something in your reaction suggests that maybe this is only news to Kaz.

Well, um... The other day, Trev asked me to go and get his goggles from his room,

and I found a bag of rat poison in the back of the wardrobe.

So I asked him about it and he told me.

He's always been a crap liar.

So I went off at him, of course.

But, you know, he's my boy.

It was all me.

Well, for God's... It was all my idea.

Travis will do anything I tell him.

You know that.

I brought you up better than that.

We just, I don't know, our heads were proper all over the place.

Look, I did put that hat in the bin.

Okay, that's true.

I did also throw up.

Keeps happening.

Reckon it must be morning sickness or something.

Oh, my girl.

Come here, what did you say?

I'm going to be a granddad. It was a total shock.

I don't know how it happened.

Obviously, I do know how it happened. We had sex.

Yeah. I shouldn't be surprised, really, because we have a lot of sex. Yeah, all

right, Co.

Suddenly, we were like, oh, my God, we barely got nothing, and now we're going

to have a little baby to look after, and we panicked.

And Mick, you know, he had all that heart trouble, and he was still drinking

too much and eating shit, and I thought he was probably...

Gonna snuff it soon anyway, so... You know, maybe it's not so bad if we

just... ...spread things up a bit.

Because he was horrible.

Don't say that you weren't, Mum.

Because he was.

You know that he was.

He was a nasty, horrible twat.

Probably is bad, isn't it?

You're asking me if murdering someone is bad?

Yes, Lauren.

It's very, very bad.

I know that. I just wanted... We wanted... We just wanted to start a life

together.

As a family.

We asked Mick for help buying a place and he just wouldn't.

We're living with Colin in Trav's old room.

We're about to be parents and we're sleeping in a room with Spider-Man

wallpaper.

Can't you just not tell the police what you know, Denny?

You're not a copper no more.

There's kids who were just scared he did something stupid.

Diaz Hernandez is a good detective.

She'll get there in the end.

Or she doesn't get there.

We kill her as well.

Jesus knows, Trav.

I'm saying, what if I tell her I did it?

I've got a motive.

I hated him.

You don't carry on investigating when someone confesses to a crime, right?

What are you talking about, Carl?

Let me take the rap for this.

No way. You are not going to jail for my mistake.

I've had a good life.

I've done what I wanted to do.

I married the most beautiful girl I ever met.

And I lost her.

I'll be fine in prison.

I've done it before.

You two can have my room, put a baby in yours.

Keep the wallpaper.

Mum?

Well, if I had the choice, I'd rather let Colin go to jail instead of you,

but... But you don't have a choice, because I know the truth.

Denny, please.

Let me do this.

Do you remember I told you there's a whole list of stuff they never pinned on

me back in the day?

I stole thousands they never got back.

As I live and breathe.

If they'd have put me away for all of the things I did, I'd still be inside

now. So you're not putting away an innocent man.

You're just keeping a young family together.

OK. What's going on?

Dennis, you text me.

What's this about?

I'll leave this with you.

You did the right thing.

Not by the law.

Obviously.

I promise.

Maybe Miss Marple was right.

Justice is not always the law, and the law is not always justice.

It's the other way around.

If you're going to quote Miss Marple, please get it right.

I came to say thanks.

And I promise we won't interfere.

With what?

The pub.

I know it's your thing.

What are you talking about, Tiff?

You didn't read the settlement, did you?

Eddie. Denny boy.

It was a 50-50 split, Den.

Pub's half mine now.

Ours?

When we're married.

Hmm.

So what's a bloke got to do to get a drink round here, eh?

You're having a party?

It's just a little leaving party for an old friend.

Good to see you, mate. You filled my pub full of gangsters.

They're just businessmen.

Eddie knows these people, Dennis.

They're big drinkers.

You need to go.

I don't need you anymore.

I think I might be in a bit of trouble here.

It works amongst us.

We've got a problem to deal with. We're going to sort it out between us.

Call Maria. I think Dennis is in danger. Oh, my God! There's a body!