Original subtitles

We found your mum.

Would you like to meet her?

Nah, fuck her.

Yeah, you're better off with the twats who looked after you.

Yeah, you should be grateful that someone wanted you.

No one would ever want me.

Hm.

-If you don't agree, say so. -No, you're spot on.

Yeah, you're proper disgusting.

No one would ever want you anywhere near their home and family.

-Appreciate your honesty. -Yeah, not a problem.

Just out of curiosity,

what's the most disgusting thing about me, in your opinion?

-In case I wanted to improve. -Cor.

It is impossible to narrow it down to one thing, innit really?

It's a toe-fucking shit show. You're absolutely fucked all over.

-Come on, try your best. Come on. -Okay.

You look like a disgusting old sloth who's in a tree

and you're dying of starvation. You got alopecia 'cause of stress.

You go, "Oh, I gotta go down to the jungle floor,

but I'm scared. I've gotta get a banana."

You're down there, and you're crawling.

You're at your most vulnerable. You're slow. Ooh, out of the bushes,

oh, it's a gang of AIDS chimps,

and they give you the bumming of your life.

Right in your fucking rot pot.

Yeah! They started AIDS,

and they're gonna finish AIDS in your arsehole, you dirty little cunt.

And there you are, all infected.

"Oh!"

"I'm all full-blown. I'm dying!"

"Any drugs yet?" No! It's 1980.

I bet we could get him adopted. Be positive.

No, no point. Nothing good ever happens.

No. Wait, wait, wait.

Actually, it could be one of those YouTube videos,

you know, when you get some cunts who go,

"What happens if you throw a bus off a cliff?" You know what I mean?

Or, "Can a dwarf drink a pint of chili oil and live?"

-We need to clean him up a bit though. -Yep.

Why don't you ever wash yourself?

Well, think. How do cats wash?

Lick ourselves.

Exactly. Would you lick any part of me?

-Definitely not. -No, nor would I.

I'm disgusting!

Yeah, why don't we all gob on him and let him roll around in it?

-What you doing? -Trying to get Puke adopted.

-Why? -Good question.

-It's like a challenge. -Take the most unlovable cunt you've got.

See if someone wants him.

-No takers yet, unsurprisingly. -No.

We've been here 15 minutes, mate. Give it time.

Feels longer.

-What's that down his back? -It's goz.

We all gobbed on him to clean him up, but it just... He just stinks now.

It's very foamy, isn't it?

Who do we thinks gonna adopt him? Who are we hoping for?

-A nice family. -No.

It'll be a charity of some kind, I'd have thought.

Chinese restaurant.

Get some extra food, then, if you went in a Chinese restaurant.

Out of all the town,

who would you want to be adopted by if you could choose anyone?

-Glenn? -Who's that?

-The baker. -Oh, I know. Mr. Maynard.

-The geezer with the plastic leg? -Why do you like him?

-The baked goods? -No, 'cause of his plastic leg.

What? Why?

I like sleeping on it.

Here. Here's a likely one. Here you are, look. Sit up.

Go on, smile. Smile, you cunt.

-I am bloody smiling. -Here she comes.

Oh!

Look at that one!

-Come here, you! -Not me! Not me!

-Fuck off! Fuck off! -Oh my God.

Fucking hell!

Bite her! Bite her!

She's got my neck! Argh!

Put him down, you old cunt!

Oh fuck! Argh!

-She's tickling his bollocks. -Oh, look! Oh!

He'll be back in a fucking day.

There's not an old lady alive that can hold Gus.

-Where's she taking him? -Just to her home. Don't worry.

-Back to her shithole. -Oh.

That's rubbish.

What the fuck am I doing?

As the average temperature of the Earth slowly increases,

the polar ice caps recede.

If the polar ice caps were to completely melt,

the sea level would rise by nearly 70 meters.

This would be devastating to some...

-He's back. -Gus!

-Yeah! Free as a bird. -Wow.

-You get fingered? -No, I didn't. What we watching?

-You got brushed, didn't you? -Yeah, I did.

Fucking documentary about the end of civilization.

Fucking climate change, famine. Shit like that.

Bring it on. Fuck 'em all.

-Fuck 'em all, mate. -The documentary's leaning the other way.

Ooh! Let's save Africa!

Let's do a fucking song and beg the West for money

and then spend it on corrugated iron to build a shit house.

I thought they liked mud huts. Mud's free! Build a house out of mud again.

They can't make mud, because there's no water.

Who can't make mud? Why can't you make mud? It's fucking...

Literally the easiest thing in the fucking world to make is mud.

If you've got wet earth, yes.

Right, well, get some wet earth. What happened to all the water?

Oh, did it just disappear into thin air?

Oh, all the rivers and lakes just went up into the clouds?

You've just described evaporation, yes.

If the polar ice caps are melting, give the fucking famine countries that water

and sort the problem out once and for all. Job done.

-Brilliant. -Brilliant.

Well, no. Not brilliant.

Because, first of all, don't say famine countries.

If all the ice melts, then the whole world will be flooded.

Good! Fuck people.

-Yeah, fuck 'em. -Kill 'em all.

I can't wait for people

to fucking wipe people off the fucking face of the earth.

I don't care what it is.

I don't care whether it's your fucking global warming or your polar ice caps

or your fucking famine.

Well, it'll be overpopulation.

Fucking overpopulation. That makes me fucking laugh.

Stop having more fucking babies, then!

Who's walking around shagging when they're fucking starving in the first place?

Do what we do. Eat the fucking dead ones, right?

Waste not, want not. My nan ate a couple of her own kids.

One was born fucking dead.

The other was born a little fucking runt, all deformed.

It's gonna fucking die anyway. More trouble than it's worth.

Fucking eat it.

-Okay, well, good discussion. -What do you think, Olive?

Worry about the world or just let every fucking human die?

Just let 'em all die, I think.

-Exactly. -Yeah, another one in that column.

-Yeah. -Think you proved your point.

-Yeah. -I don't think we can influence it much.

-Are we looking for me house again? -Oh yeah.

There's Lara.

-Look at him. -What?

-Well, you've stiffened. -No.

-Shitting himself. -I'm just gonna go over and chat to her.

'Cause she... she's into me, and I'm just gonna reel her in.

How you doing?

So you're a player, yeah?

Nah, just a bit, babe.

Yeah, that's what I was afraid of.

I've been there, done that. See you around.

No. No, I thought...

Oh. Wh...

Gandhi was right. Bitches be trippin'.

-I don't think Gandhi said that. -Doesn't matter who said it.

My point is, he was right.

-Who? -Gandhi.

Ah. Who do you think Gandhi is?

When you picture Gandhi, who comes into your head?

Bitches be trippin'.

What I mean is,

what does he look like? Describe the person.

-Big cool dude. Loads of chains. -Not Gandhi. Nah, not Gandhi.

-Fucking angry motherfucker. -No. Again, not him.

-This dude will pop a cap in your ass. -Definitely not.

Who's Gandhi, then?

Um... I mean, he's not a player. Put it that way.

He used to wear a sort of linen... I want to say linen, kind of wrap, shawl.

I'm not thinking of him. I wouldn't.

A noble... a noble man, but not known as a lothario.

-Fuck off, Gandhi. -Um...

-Little round glasses. -Fuck off.

-And he led India to independence in 1947. -Fuck off. He sounds like a right cunt.

Get your fucking stupid fucking toga face out of my fucking ass.

Okay. I mean, he was assassinated in the end, so...

Twat. Oh.

Look, look, look. She's coming back.

Thought so.

-Hiya. -Yeah, h-hi.

You are an idiot. You know that, yeah?

Wow. That is your opinion.

-But you... you are though. -Right.

-Yeah. -What's your point?

Thing is, I guess I am single now.

Yep. Me too.

-You get used to it. -Wakey, wakey, Grandad.

Oh. Yeah, no. Yeah.

What I'm saying is, you're single, I'm single.

So, you know, I might

ask you out one day.

You might ask me out one day?

Yeah, if that...

If you would want me to.

-What would you say? -Oh my God.

-What? -You're gonna ask me...

-Yeah? -if you should ask me out?

I'm not saying that. I'm saying...

-I might as well ask you. -I'm not saying whether I ask you out.

I'm saying if I were to ask you out, would... would you say yes?

-Oh my God. You'll have to take a risk. -What? Oh.

In front of the lads?

Yeah, I'm gonna take a risk in front of the lads. "Ooh, oh, Lara."

"Do you wanna come out with me?" "No."

Well, fuck off, then!

Wow.

Just ask me.

-Do you wanna go out? -Yes.

-Right. Good. That's what I thought. So... -Good.

On a date?

That's the point.

Right. Hungry?

Always.

Take me out tonight

Where there's music and there's people And they're young and alive

Driving in your car

Oh, please don't drop me home

Because it's not my home It's their home, and I'm welcome no more

And if a double-decker bus

Crashes into us

To die by your side

Is such a heavenly way to die

And if a ten-ton truck

Kills the both of us

To die by your side

Well, the pleasure The privilege is mine

Oh, there is a light And it never goes out

There is a light and it never goes out

There is a light and it never goes out

There is a light and it never goes out

Right. Here we are.

Well, let's catch us some mice.

-I've got to catch my own mice? -No. No.

This is on me. I'm catching the mice.

-Really? Okay. -Yes, put your claws away.

-I'll be catching these mice. -Lovely.

Right, there's one.

Ooh, he's fast, isn't he? He was fast.

He saw me. He was scared. You see him?

-Shat himself. -Yeah.

-Yeah, you're well hard. -Scarpered, little twat. Right?

Right, I should've caught that one. Wouldn't think they'd be fast. Tiny legs.

-You're pretty slow. -Their legs go faster than mine.

Particularly these days. I've got a little bit of rheumatism.

-Do you? -Yeah.

-Hold on. -Okay. What you doing now?

Stretching. Stretching.

I've put my back out waking up before.

This is impressive. Do you want me to do it?

No, I am gonna catch us some fat, lazy, invalid...

-'Cause I am quite hungry. -Here we go. There's one...

Oh my God! I've got one.

-Yes! -I've got one!

Oh!

-I ate it. I ate it immediately. -You ate it? Oh my God.

-It was winding me up. -Okay. I'm the date.

-Yeah, I know. The next one is yours. -Okay.

Fuck me, I got one. Got one! Got one!

-I ate that too. What is up with me? -Oh my God.

-It's an instinct. -Greedy. Greedy instinct.

Yeah, yeah. Right, right. Okay, wait.

Don't eat it. Don't eat it. Don't eat it.

-There you go. That good? -Mmm!

-Yeah, that was good, actually. -Yeah. Right.

-There you go. -That was nice. Well done.

-Cheers. -For not eating it.

-That was nice. -Yeah.

Went on a date. Went to a graveyard. Caught some mice. Ate them.

-Just chatting. -It's what you do on dates, babe.

God. Here comes my crew.

-Your crew? -Yeah.

Watch out.

Cool dudes. Don't listen to what they say. Nah. Um...

Hi, guys.

-This is Puke. -Good day.

-Uh, Fang. -All right.

-This is, uh, Olive. -All right.

Uh...

-This is Lara. -Hello.

She's my...

Well, I'm not gonna say, really.

What?

No, I'm saying. She's female. I'm male. You do the math.

-Although, I'm not committed yet, but... -Hang on. What?

I'm saying, if it goes well,

you know, uh,

then, yeah.

-I'm keeping my options open. -Oh, are you?

-Same here. I'm like you. -You?

-Yeah. -You've got options?

-I've got loads. -You haven't got any fucking options.

-Like what? -Like last night.

What did you do last night?

Fucked a rat.

-That's awful. -Is it?

-What are you saying that for? -Didn't feel awful. Felt fantastic.

-I don't want that in me head. -She did.