Original subtitles

TERKEL IN TROUBLE

Hi, kids. Sitting comfortably? My name's Arnie.

I'm going to tell you a story about a boy named Terkel.

Terkel was a fresh boy. Except when he was sick, of course.

But he was nice and had balls of steel.

Now you're thinking: "Steel? That's gotta suck."

But that's what you say about folks who are determined.

Or people who are really stupid. Anyways...

Terkel lived in a red house with his parents, Betty and Leon.

They were excellent parents.

They just had a hard time agreeing about anything at all.

- That's just the way it is. - No.

- Yes! - No!

- Why's there always a discussion? - We're not discussing, we're arguing.

- No! - Yes, we are, Leon!

- No. - Yes.

- No, no, no, no, no. - Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

- Terkel had a little sister, too. - Hi, Terkel.

- Her name was Rita. - Not right now, Rita. I'm busy.

- Weren't we going to school together? - That's right. We weren't.

Terkel was in the 7th grade. His best friend's name was Jason.

Yo, Terkel.

- What's up? You chillin'? - Yeah. Didn't do my homework, though.

That's a nasty one. On the other hand, fuck it.

Jason was from across the tracks, as they say. It's why he talked funny.

And why he always had an iron pipe in his pocket.

Downtrip. Here comes Johanna.

- She saw you. - Hi, Jason.

- Yo, Johanna. What's up? - Uhh... How are you?

- "How are you?" - Yes, well... I mean...

- Right. Whatever, Johanna, OK? - She's crazy about you.

I know. But that lame way she talks... I'm gonna snap, dude.

There were also two real troublemakers in the class.

Their names were Stan and Saki.

They spent their recess mocking a chubby girl named Doris.

That was nice and sick, Stan. Feeling fat today, Dumpy Doris?

- You mean: Again today. - Yeah, Doris is always fat.

Friday morning meant music class with that fave teacher, Arnie Fattune.

Yes, that's me, so please excuse me while I impart vital musical wisdom.

Hi, kids. Time for music class. Are you ready?

Yeah!

Good. Now, I'd like you to... Yes, Silas?

I was studying Grandpa's music dictionary last weekend -

- and I came across the expression "funky".

- What does it mean? - Listen, children.

Music isn't about reading and analyzing.

Music is for tasting and feeling and listening and dancing.

There's music in everything... Like Jason's iron pipe.

Or Sally's cell phone ringing in the middle of class.

Let's grab some instruments and get it on!

That's it, Jason. Nice beat.

Ready to add the horns? Two, three, four...

A little more embouchure, Billy.

Here we go...

Arnie is the name and music is my game

this is where we learn to play the blues, Bach and be-bop

everybody's having fun this is the way to be someone

we're in the groove and on the case it makes me want to wail on bass

when the cats are really swingin' the kiddies, they begin their singin':

- Arnie is way too cool - Thanks, kids.

- Arnie is way too cool - I'm just way too coool.

Remember to empty the spit valve, Carl.

What you see is what you get so don't try out for teacher's pet.

Do I look lame with page-boy hair? The girls, they do not seem to care

'cause music makes you sexy this is a proven fact

and when that beat gets going good the girls get in the act

they storm the stage as in a dream and suddenly they start to scream:

- Arnie is way too cool - I'm just way too coool

- Arnie is way too cool - Wo-uh-wo, cool

Super cool, kids!

- Arnie is too cool - Wo-uh-wo, I'm just way too cool

I'm so cool, can't stand myself.

Can you feel it? Does it swing? That's music!

Thanks, kids. That's it for... Thank you, Silas...

- I can feel it! - Silas! That's it for now.

- I hope you're not beating my record. - Just a sec... Fuck!

Hi there, kids.

- What's up? - You sat down on a spider.

- I did? Where? - There. It's completely squished.

No big deal. They're just pants. They can be washed.

- What grade are you boys in? - 7th grade, in your face.

Okay. I'm a new substitute teacher. My name's Gunnar.

- I'm on my way to teach 8th grade. - Okay...

- What are your names? - My name's Terkel.

- Jason here. - Nice meeting you. Have fun.

Don't worry.

He was pretty fucked up, that dude.

- A little strange. But nice enough. - What now, fuck-face?

- Just need to take a piss. - Go for it.

Hello...? Is someone there?

Oh, no!

Whatcha doin', Terkel? Did you piss in your pants?

- You pissed in your pants. - Ha, ha, hilarious...

If this had been a military gun, we'd have shot your balls off.

- Like in Vietnam. - There's Dumpy Doris.

- Let's go! - You take her bag, I'll pull her hair.

Dumpy Doris, you're too ugly for words!

The last class of the day is supposed to be English.

But instead of their regular teacher, a new one walked in.

- Look, it's that strange dude. - It's Gunnar. Check out that sweater.

- Dude, what planet is he from? - Hi, kids.

Would you mind sitting down nice and quiet on your little hineys? Good.

Okay. My name's Gunnar, and... Is there any chalk here?

Excuse me, Gunnar. My name's Silas.

I volunteer to run to the storeroom and get some chalk.

Well, thank you, Silas. As I was saying...

Here it is. Normal and colored, sir.

That's great. Now look: My name is Gunnar Bjerre.

And this is my African possum, Lise Lotte...

"Lise Lotte."

Your regular teacher should have been here, but she had an accident.

Yvonne fell all the way down her stairs and rolled out into the busy street -

- that you must never cross without an adult -

- and the cars simply couldn't brake before it was too late.

Children, Yvonne didn't... She didn't make it.

She won't be coming back.

Shhh.

Easy, kids... Okay.

As I was saying, I'm Gunnar. I'm a new substitute teacher here.

I've been teaching at a Rudolf Steiner school, if you know what that is.

- Yes, Silas? - I know what it is.

The kids had heard about these Rudolf Steiner schools -

- which believe that toys should be boring.

Preferably dumb wooden figures without faces.

The kids are supposed to imagine the faces. I had a girlfriend like that.

Of course she wasn't made of wood. Unfortunately.

- Anyways, back to the classroom. - Thanks for the explanation, Silas.

We should get to know each other better. I've brought this beanbag -

- that we can toss to each other as we say our name. I'll start.

My name's Gunnar.

Or... How about just dismissing class for today?

Won't you be our big brother?

Yes, you're our big brother because you have such a nice necklace.

- And a totally cute rat. - Possum.

- Can we make you up, just like a girl? - No, no. Don't be such silly billys.

- See you tomorrow, girls. - Yes. Bye-bye, big brother.

WINE - BEER - ALCOHOL - CIGARETTES - CANDY

Oh, no!

- Terkel? - What do you want?

Won't you walk me home?

- You can walk home by yourself. - But I forgot my keys.

- Then use the spare key. - I can't remember where it is.

- In the shed under the flower pot. - But Terkel...

- Leave us alone now. Honestly! - Should we shuffle home to you?

Not today. My mom and dad are getting ready for their wedding.

The whole house is full of cakes and frilly dresses and shit.

Terkel's parents are getting married on Saturday.

- Hi, boys. - Yo, Gunnar.

- Out buying goodies? - Yeah, we bought some licorice.

See you Monday. Have a nice weekend.

- Can't we go home to you? - Today's not so good.

- Why? - Just because, OK?

I've never even been to your house, Jason.

Listen. I can't deal with that shit today.

- Crap! - Why do you carry that around?

I'm not shitting you.

You never know when you're gonna need an iron pipe.

- Well, I'm home. - No.

- Hi, Dad. - No.

- Have you had a nice day? - No.

- Ready for the wedding tomorrow? - No.

- I'm sure you will be. - No.

- Is Mom home? - No.

- No. - I'm in the kitchen, Terkel.

Hi, Terley. Did you have a nice day?

Yeah... We got a new teacher.

- Because Yvonne's dead! - Would you mind drying this?

Sounds like you've really enjoyed yourself today.

- May I go over to the ramp later? - No, not this evening.

- We have to get up early tomorrow. - What if I come home early?

There's a big party tomorrow and you need eight hours' sleep.

Otherwise you can catch anthrax and shrivel up like an old potato.

- Those things can happen. - But, Mom...

You dumb-ass! Open up!

Jason, what in the world are you doing here?

- Dude, calm down. - It's 2 a.m.

Can't keep a straight face? Come on, we're watching a tape.

Terkel wasn't really much of a horror-movie fan..

But you can't say that to your best friend.

- So he said: - Wow, he just got his arm hacked off.

Just shut up!

- And his head! - Way to go, man!

So I ask you, Leon Gungadin Mogensen:

Do you take Betty Habakuk Smokeson as your lawful, wedded wife?

No.

- Here they come... - Hurrah! Congratulations!

- Throw rice at Mom and Dad, Rita. - No, that's not nice.

- It's the custom. So they'll be fertile. - Fertile?

- So they can have kids and stuff. - But they already have us.

Wouldn't you like to have a little brother?

Ow, Rita! Not overhand against the ear. It can make you deaf.

It doesn't look like you're eating, Grandma. Can't you chew it?

How about a sandwich? A ham and cheese sandwich?

Getting old is no fun. I had problems with my back this morning.

Went straight to the doctor.

Turns out I've had a scalpel in my back the past three weeks!

I've been asked not to give a speech this evening.

Namely because of that little situation at the last family fest.

But what the heck, it's not every day one's little niece gets married, so...

Terkel! Your mom's got a great ass! It's bull, but you can handle it.

Relax, Leon, I'll get you a whore later. Sit down!

I'd hate to knock you down at your own wedding.

Now I think we should give a toast to the newlyweds...

Or... at least say: Yessir! Cheers!

No getting out of singing a song, either. Fire away, sailor!

Just listen, now. Sit down.

Betty and Leon: now, isn't it nice

'cause tomorrow's the day that you two get spliced

It happens to be today, but I wrote this crap last night.

I feel damn lucky I was invited at all...

- What is it? - Someone from school. Be right back.

- I'm coming, too. - No, you stay here.

Stan? Saki?

Stan...?

Saki...?

- Relax, man. It's just us. - I knew it was you guys.

- Want me to shoot you? - No.

- What's happening, Terkel? - Not much.

- Having a party? - My folks just got married, that's all.

- What're you up to? - We're going drinking. Show him.

- It's extra dry. - He nicked it from his father.

- He said I could take it. - Yeah, sure. Wise guy.

- Can we come in for a drink? - That's not too good.

- Will you bring us a beer, then? - No, I can't...

Not a big one, in any case...

Just one, maybe, or two or three... I think there's a case in the pantry.

roast pork and dumplings and ten kinds of herring

I'm trying it all, now I feel so daring...

- Ham and cheese? - Sit down, before you get hurt.

Now it's about time that I lifted my glass...

'cause this is a special occasion

it's time that we all got up off of our ass

to join in this big celebration.

There's plenty of beef not a veggie in sight

there's chicken and turkey till your heartbeat gets jerky...

Oh, Jesus...!

Dammit, you little prick. Stealing the grown-ups' soda pop?

- Stan and Saki made me do it. - What? Trying to bullshit your uncle?

It's true. They were outside with guns.

No, don't!

- Surprise, you little assholes! - Who's he?

- He's my uncle. - Stealing from Uncle Stewart, huh?

- What the hell...? - Terkel told me.

You two cross-eyed bastards forced him to steal beer for you.

- Jesus, is that a lie! - So you're calling me a liar?

- You can't just hit him! - Want one with the gold ring, too?

- Don't get smart with me. - I'm much smaller than you.

What're you gonna do about it, cry-baby?

Oww! God dammit!

- Don't stand on his head! - You're out of your fucking mind!

That was that.

And stay away, pathetic jerks.

- What're you doing Uncle Stewart? - Who, me?

- I'm the one who'll pay on Monday. - So what. Don't take it so hard.

Come on. Let's go in and whup your dad's ass.

No, I don't fucking want you to be my girlfriend.

Is it in, you deadbeat?

- Oww! Fuck this shit. - Hi, Jason.

Yo, Terkel. Did you hear that? "Girlfriend."

She could have said "bimbo". Or she'd be my bitch.

It's so fucked up, the way she talks. Worse than Hillary Duff.

- Why are you so late? - It's because...

What's with Stan and Saki? They seem pretty pissed off at you.

Calling you a shithead and stuff.

- I knew it. - Knew what?

Then Terkel told him about Saturday evening...

Dude, that's too rich. Holy shit. That's awesome.

Right. "Rich". Except that I'm the one who's in deep shit.

Is it that bad?

I've been contacted by the Gorilla Club, to which I belong...

- Hi, boys. - What's up, homie?

My mother's written a note about why I'm late.

Yes... Let's have a look... "Terkel is allergic to milk -

- so I let him sleep late. I don't want him catching cirrhosis of the liver.

Yours truly, Betty." Yes...

Right. You may go and set your hiney in your chair, nice and easy.

- You little squealer! - Cheap ass!

TERKEL: YOU'RE DEAD MEAT!

As I was saying, I was contacted by the Gorilla Club.

It turns out that the piebald salamander was sighted -

- three days ago, in the marsh outside of town.

Which is why I've arranged a little camping trip for all of us.

Take it easy. Take it easy, kids... There.

We leave Wednesday morning.

So one of your parents has to give written permission for you to come.

- Excuse me. Gunnar? - Yes, Silas?

What's the difference between a piebald salamander -

- and a common two-tailed, transverse-spotted salamander?

What a downtrip, wrong-fucked, dumb-ass project!

- What've we done to deserve this? - It could be lots of fun.

Hilarious. Wading around some shitty swamp catching salamanders!

We'll be sleeping in a tent together. It'll be lots of fun.

Yeah, but I... That fucking pipe, man!

- So throw the damn thing away. - Are you insane? I'm not discussing it.

You never know when an iron pipe will come in handy.

- I think it'll be lots of fun... - Do you, you big bitch?

- You like catching salamanders? - Are you an animal tormentor?

- What? Animal tormentor? - Don't copy us, phony.

Yeah, don't copy us. You... phony...

- Bitch. Phony. - Animal tormentor.

Leave me alone!

- You're a member of our club, right? - We write each other letters.

- 'Cause we're pen-pals. - Won't you be my pen-pal?

- May we cut your hair? - You girls are completely batty.

Gunnar? May I have a word with you?

Yes, of course. Let go, girls. Come, Terkel.

- Stan and Saki keep teasing me. - Do they?

They call me bitch and animal tormentor and phony...

That's not very nice. I think you should pay them back.

- How? - Which of them is most in charge?

- Stan, I think. - Then you've got to confront him.

Go after those leader types. The others will fall in line.

Go up to Stan and say: "Hey, hey. What about you?"

- "What... What about you?" - Uh-huh.

Then they'll see the folly of their ways.

Okay. Thanks, Gunnar.

- Here comes the animal tormentor. - And what about you?

- Wha'? - Yeah, Stan, what about you?

- What are you talking about? - I mean: What about you!

What's all this you call me, homie bitch, cruel to animals and phony?

See yourself, now there's a creep calling names is just too cheap

so bring it on if you think you can whup me

you'll piss your pants for sure, see?

I'll boot you in your bootie and your momma's funky twat, a lot

I stomp those who like cursing

so don't bother crying "mercy" if I get more shit from you

swear your parents will know you'll have the blues and you'll be screwed.

Look who's talking

bombs and stones can break your bones

so change your tune and make it rhyme

or I'll send you to the moon la-di-da-di-doom.

Look who's talking

bombs and stones can break your bones

pass it on - don't pass it back get your shit together, no if or whether.

What about you? Your Mom's easy, your Dad's any one of ten

my poppa can pulverize every one of them, so run away, you always do

when I'm dissing you

look at yourself you dumb-ass fool

1, 2, 3, I got you there, you dick-head deer and big-ass square

you started this but I'll finish it off

there's nothing you can do, sissy-baiter

another peep from you before this rap is through, Terminator

and I'll motherfucking tell on you, soon or later

Bi-i-tch!

- Bitch. - Yeah, mega-bitch... and phony.

It's no great surprise, how little grown-ups understand kids.

And least of all, how to avoid being mocked.

What's up, pussy? You made of chicken-shit?

- What the hell's with you? - Nothing. I'm just a little tired...

- Hello, it's Terkel. - You're not at the ramp, are you?

- Mom, I usually... - It'll be raining soon.

You know very well how wet wood spreads SARS.

- Okay, I'll come home now. - It's for your own sake.

We don't want you getting calcareous deposits in your knees.

Did that say "ouch"? Now you're gonna taste fear, animal tormentor.

- Want to taste this shit? - No! I don't wanna die!

- You can run... - But you cant' hide.

Welcome to the Kid's Hot-Line. Stewart speaking.

Hi, Stewart, it's Terkel.

- I'm at work right now, so... - Yes, I know.

Call some other time. I have to deal with the children's problems.

I have problems. That's why I'm calling.

- Aye. Hit me, mate! - They're mocking me at school.

- Yes... But what's the problem? - They call me animal tormentor...

Really? That's not very original. How about "mega shit-eater"?

Or: "Son of a junkie Eskimo whore"? Hey, here's a good one:

"lmpotent gazelle dick-head."

"Pathetic product of putrid pussy-piss."

- You've got to help me, Stewart! - Of course. That's why I'm here.

Problems are there to be solved. Sometimes you just need a little help.

You should never be afraid to reach out.

Here's some good advice I got from my daddy:

Call for help if you're ever in doubt

1-800-help-a-kid can save you from deep shit

you shouldn't have to carry every burden by yourself

but you can count on Stewart so why don't you call for help?

- Can't I... - I've helped countless kids. Listen:

Last night there was this little guy who was so far from home

terrified of darkness he was lost and all alone

"Stewart, won't you help me?" "Yes, help is on the way. "

I pulled my knife and shouted "Hey!" and suddenly he ran away.

I remember Victor and his bully of a dad

who beat the poor kid senseless every single chance he had

so Victor tried to call me with: "Someone help me, please!"

too bad that it was my day off now Victor is deceased.

So call for help when trouble comes your way

the captain's at your service you can call him night or day

1-800-help-a-kid I'll help, you hopeless creep

if I'm shit-faced, say your piece when you hear that little beep.

- Won't someone please help me? - Yes, Terkel, that's the stuff.

That's what you say if you're in deep shit.

Take care. Tell your dad I'll be by to bust his head one of these days.

DEATH TO ANIMAL TORMENTORS

No! I don't wanna die!

What's going on in here? Have you seen this mess, Leon?

No.

- What are you playing in here? - A brick came through the window.

It didn't come by itself. Maybe next time you'll know not to play with fire.

Terkel kept his distance from Stan and Saki.

If they could throw a brick through Terkel's window -

- who knows what else they might do... Oh-oh...

- It's the animal tormentor. - Hi, phony.

- Pussy. - Hiding from us, are you?

- Won't you just leave me alone? - Poor little baby. Don't cry.

Little animal tormentor. About to cry? Afraid of your mom and dad?

Terkel was wondering what to do, when suddenly Doris stood before him.

Don't let it bother you. They're just super-jealous.

Doris...?

Terkel'd never spoken to Doris. He'd almost never noticed her.

She was just there.

- What is it? - Just... a letter. But...

... you don't have to read it now.

Look! Dumpy Doris and the big faggot are lovers.

- Terkel's been crying. - Then it's good he has Dumpy Doris.

- Yeah, they're lovers. - So? You're just jealous as hell.

You tub of lard! Hey, Terkel, are you in love with Doris?

Terkel wanted to help Doris, just as she'd tried to helped him -

- but instead, he did what people sometimes do in a tight situation.

He copped out.

No... I'm not in love... with that fat cow.

Then Stan and Saki forgot all about Terkel and started in on poor Doris.

- Yes, man. Fat cow! - Stranded whale! John Goodman!

- Where are you going? - Stay here, fatso.

Watch out!

- That was over pretty fast, huh? - Terkel was paralyzed with horror.

Still, he heard himself say:

I sure hope that... fat cow didn't land on someone's head.

- Cool vocab, Terkel - It sounded totally down.

Terkel is the man.

- How can one person bleed so much? - Easy. When it's a fat cow like her.

Terkel? Just a minute.

Tell me, what actually happened up there in the classroom?

- She jumped out the window. - Fair play. Okay, then.

At least it's good that fat cow didn't land on anybody's head.

That was a good one!

The letter!

Dear Terkel: I love you. You're the only bright spot in my life.

They put me down every single day and I can't take it anymore.

You're the only thing that keeps me breathing.

Love, Doris

- Another sausage, Leon? - No.

- Yes. - No.

You're getting one, anyway.

Well, Terkel...

What have you done in school today?

They mocked me so much today that I began mocking Dumpy Doris.

It hurt her so much she jumped out the window.

- So you've had a busy day, huh? - She died, Mother.

Stop eating like a pig, Rita, if you want the tooth fairy to come over.

- Hi, Terkel. - Get out, Rita

- Can't we play, dressing my dolls? - I don't play.

- You play with Jason. - We don't play. We hang.

Well, don't you want to hang out with my dolls?

Get out!

Dad? I need to talk to you. I've got problems at school.

And no one will help me. Will you please listen to me?

Nooo!

Mom?

What is it, Terkel?

Do you want to play? For ever and ever...

- Nooo! - Come here, Terkel...

Nooo!

Stop, Terkel!

I'm coming, I'm coming atcha' I'm coming, I'm poking atcha'

tearing up everything in sight...

I'm the shape behind the curtain that's driving you insane

the monster in your closet the noise in your brain

I'm all of those lost souls you tortured in your computer game.

Mom and dad, they will believe only what their eyes can see

they're in bed asleep while I'm giving you a fright

they're not the ones I visit when you turn out the light

I'm coming, I'm coming atcha' I'm coming, I'm poking atcha'

wrecking all that you thought was safe...

I'm coming, I'm coming atcha' I'm coming, I'm poking atcha'

wrecking what you thought was safe...

TERKEL, YOU'RE DEAD MEAT

Who wrote that?

Could Stan and Saki be cruel enough to rub salt in his bad conscience?

Who else could it have been?

- Have you seen the spare key? - What?

- It's not in the shed. - I haven't seen it.

Here. I've packed your suitcase.

Are you throwing me out, just 'cause that key's gone?

- Come on, Terley. It's Wednesday. - What?

The salamander expedition. Had you forgotten?

Can't I stay home, Mom?

You're going to sleep with Jason out in the dark and dangerous forest.

- I'm not feeling so great. - It's just a touch of hepatitis.

- Do I have to go? - Ask your father first.

Dad?

No.

- Grab the back seat, Stan. - Sure thing.

Good morning, Terkel.

- Get permission from your folks? - Yes, it's here.

You can deliver your things to the bus boy over there.

Is this some kind of joke, Terkel? I don't think it's very funny.

- "You're going to die!" - I know what it says.

But I don't think it's funny at all.

- Let's saddle up, kids. - Well, Terkel. Are you coming?

Hey, fuck-face, come here and sit down, before I get you down.

Hi, Terkel. Look: Papa's got a brand new bag.

Yeah, it's so bad-ass. An army bag?

- Is it one of those army ones? - No, it's just an Eastpack.

- Totally bad-ass. - Yeah, I'll say.

What did you call Dumpy Doris the other day?

- Fat cow...? - "Fat cow", man. Totally awesome.

Won't you sit with us, Terkel?

Uhh... Yeah.

Cool!

What the fuck's your problem?

- Anyone sitting here? - Yeah.

- I don't see anyone. - Then take a good look, ho'.

Look, now I dropped my pipe. You bring bad luck.

See you at the barbecue.

Please quiet down a moment, you silly billys.

- Okay, Gunnar. - I feel like singing a song.

That is, if you feel like hearing one.

Gosh... You kids are harder to control than a flock of geese.

Can't you sing about why we have so much homework?

No, listen. You're all spoiled beyond belief.

Plenty of kids in the world are much worse off than you.

- Bullshit. - Just listen to this:

Here's a little story about a boy named Quang

he's seven, lives in Thailand and his working day is long

he gets up very early and he goes so late to bed

'cause there's so much to see to even though he's just a kid.

Every morning, 5 o'clock he's gone down to the river

through thorny weeds and thistles that stab him in the liver

although the water's dark and cold his family is in debt

and diving after oyster pearls is little Quang's best bet.

So what is it that makes you think I want to hear you whine

'bout how you hate your spinach and school's a waste of time?

You've got Nike and Nintendo and there's never work to do

while a million kids around the world are wishing they were you.

Though Quang is only seven he's the oldest out of ten

so he does all the cooking when it's dinnertime again

with all those little mouths to feed there's nothing much to eat

so Quang has bought a tube of glue to give them all a treat.

With all the little ones in bed Quang's head is feeling light

but off to town he goes again in the middle of the night

for even though it's very late our little friend has got a date

so off he goes to meet his fate with Heinrich Schultz who's 48.

How is it you can tell me you lead a dismal life?

Put it in perspective: think, if you had a wife

start caring about others that's the message of my song

remember that your life's not bad at least compared to Quang

remember that your life's not bad at least compared to Quang.

Gunnar? I like feel totally sorry for that like Quang boy..

I mean, like: Hello? Think if it was me?

"Hello! Wake up, you spass!" I mean like, something should be done.

Something can be done. I sponsor a child in Vietnam.

It costs $20 a month. If you each give me a dollar -

- you can help support little Philip Yong Gonggong.

- Is his name Philip Yong Gonggong? - Yes, Terkel, but it's a girl.

- But Philip is a girl's name. - Down there they call them anything.

Oh, I see...

Don't you feel like playing football, Carl?

Can we borrow that football, Carl?

Yes, now listen up, kids. When you've put up your tents -

- you can explore the forest. Just keep away from the edge of the lake.

It's lights out at ten o'clock because we have to get up at five -

- to study the salamanders...

- Yes, Silas? - What if I want to go to bed at 9:30?

Shut the hell up!

Terkel was feeling better. He'd forgotten about the creepy messages.

- Hi, Jason. - Fuck off, wannabe.

What are you on? They're on your case for two days -

- and suddenly you start eating out of their ass, dude.

They don't mock me anymore. They're actually quite nice.

You don't need to kiss ass cuz' of that.

- But I don't. - Bullshit. Fucking sell-out.

- Gonna sleep in their tent, too? - No...

- Won't you sleep in our tent? - What'd I say?

Uhh... okay.

- Is it okay with you, Jason? - That's your problem, loser.

Come on, Terkel!

- Is there space for three? - Sure. It's an army tent.

- Aww, you bought it at Wal-Mart. - Well, the army... has walls, too.

Relax, man. I'm aware of that.

Fucking fake, little, fat, dumb-ass, fucking...

Yo, Johanna. What's it called...?

I realize I've been an asshole and all that shit...

I'm... sorry, you know... et cetera.

I guess it's because...

... people just don't treat each other cool anymore... I just...

I hope you... understand, man.

Just fuck off! You're too ugly for me, and your momma does it with horses.

Fuck...!

This wasn't the Johanna that Jason knew. What a temper. What language.

Just imagine. A girl with such a foul mouth... A really foul mouth.

How could I have been so blind it never entered my little mind

it's only now I really see you

you're babylicious to the core the ho' that I've been searching for

a bolt out of the blue what the hell is hap'ning?

I didn't realize it until today

when suddenly you looked at me and then I heard you say:

Fuck off and die

you're too ugly for me and your momma does it with horses

you said it without a smile.

What do you want? I'll do it all if you just say you'll be my baby

because I dig your style.

I can't believe the time I've wasted all that bush I could have tasted

before I could see you're the one for me.

It would piss me off no end if you had some dumb boyfriend

what if you laughed and said that it could never be?

I can only hope and pray that this is gonna be the day

if you've got eyes for it let me hear you say:

Fuck off and die

you're too ugly for me and your momma does it with horses

you said it without a smile.

What do you want? I'll do it all if you just say you'll be my baby

because I dig your style.

Fuck off and die

you're too ugly for me and your momma does it with horses

you said it without a smile.

What do you want? I'll do it all if you just say you'll be my baby

because I dig your style...

- We'll just... - What kind of sheet is that, Stan?

- What sheet? - It looks like my little sister's.

Well, it's not!

Stan! That Jason is insane, dude.

- How's that? - He was making out with Johanna.

What?

I walked by and yelled: "Woooh!" Just for messing. Honest.

- So he flipped out and slapped me. - Jason hit you?

You think I'm lying? Just look at my cheek.

- He is insane. - It must be because of his sister.

- Sister? - Her being dead and all that.

Does Jason have a sister?

- Yes. Doris. - That fat cow is his sister.

- Rather, she was. - Didn't you know that?

- Doris? How did you know that? - I went to kindergarten with him.

- He pretends he doesn't know her. - That's no lie.

Terkel was dumbfounded. Was Doris really Jason's sister?

Without Terkel knowing? It's true he'd never been to Jason's home.

Jason always had some kind of excuse.

As though he didn't want Terkel to come home... and discover...

... that he was Doris' brother. Could that have been the reason?

- Imagine, you didn't know. - Yeah...

I thought you were best friends.

- Stan, can I borrow... - What's happening?

- I don't know... - Then have a look.

It's your sleeping bag.

- Holy shit. - Gross! Is it a cat?

- Where'd it come from? - It's him!

Then Terkel told them about all the gruesome messages.

Then he wrote he was going to kill me.

And not many people know where we keep the spare key.

- It's that jerk Jason, man. - But he's my best friend.

He's pissed off that you made Doris jump out the window.

- Me? You guys were there, too. - What if he wants to kill us, too?

I haven't gotten any threats.

Me, neither. The dead cat was in your sleeping bag.

Yeah... that's true.

Terkel? Don't you have some chewing gum?

- Thanks. - Can I have one, too?

Did you hear that?

- It was probably just the wind. - Goodnight, Terkel.

Yeah... Goodnight.

- What are you doing, Terkel? - Yeah, what's happening?

- I got a text message. - Who'd send one so late?

It's from Jason.

- What does he write? - That he's coming to kill me.

Seriously? May I see?

- You better tell Gunnar. - Yes, Terkel. Go see Gunnar.

- Won't you come with me? - This isn't the best time, actually.

We'll keep watch, Terkel. Hurry up, now.

Take care of the flashlight. It's from the army.

Hey, Terkel!

Terkel, stop!

Terkel, I...

Gunnar? Gunnar... Gunnar!

Terkel? What's going on?

You've got to help me! Jason's trying to kill me!

- What? - It's true. He's insane.

- Tell it to me from the beginning. - Not here!

- Where, then? - He's right on our heels!

Can't we just take a walk? Just a little walk?

I mocked Doris so much, she jumped out the window.

It turns out she was Jason's sister, and I didn't know.

- Can't you buttheads sleep, either? - Don't kill us!

What the hell are you talking about? Been doing mushrooms with Terkel?

- Did you kill Terkel? - What are you talking about?

You sent him a text message saying you were going to kill him.

- Your name was on the display. - Fuck! I loaned the phone to...

God damn!

- Where are you going? - Stan? Why's your sleeping bag wet?

In the meantime I got those messages. And a dead cat.

Then Saki says Jason hit him, Saki. And Jason sent me a message saying -

- he was going to kill me, Terkel.

Look at the display. It says: "I'm going to kill you!"

- Wow. That was quite a mouthful. - Yeah...

Hey! I'll call him and tell him that I've told you everything.

Then he can like confess and like take his punishment.

- Wait a second. - No, I've got to settle it now!

- Wait. - It's ringing now...

- Terkel? Come to me... - Go away!

You're confused. Come over here...

If I'm confused, then why do you have a knife?

- We'll have a little fun. - I don't think it's fun.

What about that little spider? Did it think it was fun when you sat on it?

In your nice, new jeans?

Is that what this is all about?

You thought you could get away with killing an animal?

- So it was you all along? - You guessed right.

I've been getting my revenge ever since you committed your crime.

Unfortunately, I had to shove your teacher down the stairs and kill her.

- But, that's the way it goes. - You killed Yvonne?

- You're insane! - Yes, but I'm not an animal tormentor.

You can't just kill me because of a spider.

I'm not just going to kill you. I'm going to cut you into 8 pieces -

- and bury you around in the forest so you become compost -

- and pay nature back by fertilizing the soil.

Get back here, Terkel!

Come on...!

- Mom? - No.

- Hi, Dad. You've got to help me. - No.

- I'm out in the forest. - No.

Our new teacher's chasing me with a knife.

- He's trying to kill me. - No.

- Let me talk to Mom. It's no joke! - No.

- Dad, pleeease! - No.

- Let me talk to the kid, Leon. - No.

- Is it you, Terkel? - No... Yes.

- It's late. Where are you? - I'm out in the forest.

Don't go in above the belly button or your feet will fall off.

- I'm scared! - Then you get one wish.

But don't say it out loud, or your teeth will fall out.

- Mom? - Bye-bye.

Where are you, Terkel? You can't hide. Don't worry, I'll find you.

Animal tormentor!

- Uncle Stewart! - Are you allowed out this late?

- We're on a camping trip. - That sounds nice.

- I've got my own tent over there. - The problem is...

I ran out of schnapps. Can't go fishing without schnapps.

- You've got to help me. - You came to the right place.

- Can I catch a ride into town? - I'm afraid the milk box is in the way.

- Can't you take it off? - Are you out of your goddamn mind?

How am I going to carry my schnapps?

If you pushed the moped, we could walk...

- The store will be closed. - My teacher's gonna kill me!

One must always remember one's homework. Take care. Bye-bye.

I've caught myself an eel today and I need a drop of schnapps

la-di-la-li-lay...

Mom?

Miss your mommy, you sick psychopath?

Now I've got you, you dirty little shit.

Not only are you a barbaric and sadistic animal killer.

You pollute the forest with your cell phone, too.

Because you're the only one who matters, right?

You want the whole world as your personal playground, don't you?

But now it's over, Terkel!

Are you finished, fuck-face?

Jason!

It's like I said: You never know when you'll need an iron pipe.

- You bashed him. - That should teach him a lesson.

- You saved my life, Jason. - You can buy me a beer at the airport.

What?

That's just something my dad always says.

Hey! You sat down on top of a possum.

What the hell, they're just pants. They can be washed.

And to think that I thought... What about your sister?

- What about her? - It was my fault... that she jumped.

Fair enough. Then I'll buy you a beer in the airport.

Good one. Now let's get out of this fucking forest.

- Jason! - Here, Terkel, here!

Here, Terkel.

Help me, Terkel!

Take the pipe, for fuck's sake! The pipe!

Little bastards!

Get the iron pipe, dumb-ass! Now, Terkel!

- Get that pipe, Terkel! - I can't find...

You little bastards!

Watch your step!

- He looks like a fucking lollipop. - Don't you want your pipe?

It's not that important.

- Sorry I didn't stick to our agreement. - I think I'll survive.

But now we're back together. Just us two.

- Yeah, well, now it's us three. - Three?

- You know... Johanna, dude. - Sure, of course. That's okay.

Did you see those little sissies?

Naturally, the moral of the story is: True friends... have to have...

... 20 minutes in the oven at 500 degrees.

Nonsense. If you tease someone, you might just get killed, yourself.

That's wrong, too. If you have friends, make sure they don't...

... get sick. That wasn't it, either.

Not leaving, are you? Just a second. It's coming...

Don't put the cart before the shoe's... on the other foot.

I'll get back to you. Bye-bye.

- And... Action! - Well, I'm home.

- Yes... Rather... No. I'm sorry. - Cut!

You're supposed to say "No".

- Action! - Well, I'm home.

Yes... Damn! Sorry. I've got it now.

- Action! - Well, I'm home.

- Yes... - God damn! Not again, Leon!

I have to look at the script.

- Here, Leon. - Okay.

- Got it now? - Yes.

- Action! - Well, I'm home.

- Perhaps. - Stop it, for god's sake!

One fucking word!

- Get him outta here. - Good idea.

You've got to pull yourself together, Leon.

- I'm sorry, Arnie. - Got it now?

- No. - Good! We're rolling.

No. No. No...

- No. No. No. - Do you think you've got it?

Yes.

Oh, fuck!

And... Cut!

Really great work, everyone. Super realistic. Fantastic!

Can someone clean up the stage blood and remove the dummy?

- The dummy's ready, Arnie. - The dummy? Who's that, then?

Oh, shit!

Oh, well, what the hell. She was just a fat cow, anyway.

Then I was in "Son of Natural Born Killers" -

- my first political dogma film. Totally minimalist.

I just hope it doesn't turn into a commercial success.

That would mean the end of my credibility. It'd ruin my career.

Yeah, fuck that! That'd be a downer of dimension, man.

Total tumor up the anus.

- You can't just hit him like that. - Don't get smart, sonny boy.

- You're crazy! - That's enough outta you!

- Cut! - You little shit...

Stewart? Cut!

Hello, Stewart! Let the boys go.

Wanna dance ballet, you little fag?

Did we hire a security company?

- Just hold it a minute. - Cut! What is it, Terkel?

I can't stay in character with all that noise.

- Who's making noise? - Me. My leg was asleep.

- I had to move the camera. - I can just go home...

- May I have some soda water? - Soda water for Terkel.

There you go, Terkel.

No, Rita, watch that electrical outlet!

You're the star, Terkel. You are the film.

Ugh! It's with citrus. How many times have I said I can't stand citrus?

Who brought this? This is it! I've had enough!

- No! - Way to go, Leon!

Okay, we're rolling...

Subtitles: Steve Schein

Now you can turn off that hopeless music!