Original subtitles

[rock music]

- Yeah, baby! - Yes.

Come on now. Wow.

- Clunker. Clunkville.

This is going on 45 minutes, guys.

- Yeah.

Someone make a shot, please.

- Yo, dude. - Hey, Ders.

Who can make a smaller face?

- Adam. - Thank you.

That's right, dude. - That's nothing to be proud of.

- You owe me a buck or two for that.

- On to more important things.

Do you guys know what sexing is?

- Yeah, I heard of that. Sexting, for sure.

- Okay, cool, 'cause I think I just got super deep into it.

- Really'?

- Well, apparently, I met some girl

named Annette last night.

I was pretty drunk, so I don't really remember her,

but she's been sexting me all morning.

So she goes, 'What happened to you last night?

You bailed on me."

- Oh, that's not like you, dude.

- I know. - No.

- So I go, "Sorry. What are you doing now?"

She says, "Nothing."

So I go, 'Well, we're having a shindig.

You ought to come by." - Yeah.

- She goes, "I'll think about it.

In the meantime, you can think about this."

Boom. - Whoa-ho!

Nipple. Nipple shot.

That is a good-looking nipple, bro.

- Totally a nipple. Great job.

- That's the nipple of my dreams.

- Why don't you get her over here, man?

Send her a pic of your dick.

- Okay, um, she just sent me

a picture of her nipple,

so I'm not sure...

- Well, that's the order of things.

It goes nipple, dick, pussy, butt hole.

- Oh, okay, all right, well, I mean,

I've never done- Wait, whose butt hole?

- Dude, I saw it on Dateline.

- Why don't you get some blood in that sucker?

- Seal the deal. - Come on, man.

- Seal the deal, dude.

- All right, I'll do it.

- Go handle that. - I'm gonna seal the deal.

- Get rid of that hat.

[cheers]

- GQ time. GQ time.

Everybody, time to get GQ time.

Oh, man, are you gonna have sex with this girl, Anders?

Oh, yeah.

Man-ufique. - Nice.

- Oh, okay, that's definitely illegal.

- That was good. - Countdown to vagina town.

- Yeah, baby! - All right.

Uh-huh.

- I also washed my rear end

in case I got to take that picture later.

- Wow. You did that.

Awesome. Great.

Very good. - Whose phone is that?

That's cool. - Oh, thanks.

It's Vanessa's actually.

She just got a text from you.

That's kind of weird.

Forward to: select all contacts.

And send.

Vanessa, thanks for the phone.

Enjoy your new wallpaper.

[cell phones ringing and beeping]

[laughter]

That's his. That's his dick.

Right here.

The nipple of your dreams

is actually my nipple of your nightmares.

[laughter] Oh, right? Yeah.

Oh, that's embarrassing.

- This isn't funny.

There was a weird shadow.

The lighting in the bathroom is strange.

[hip-hop music]

- ♪ I'm fresh ♪

♪♪

- ♪ You gotta, you gotta, you gotta gotta

- ♪ You gotta be fresh ♪

- Oh, nice.

Dude, how are you gonna get down from the roof?

You're gonna be hammered.

- So this is where my "friends" are.

- Hey, look who it is.

It's Dick-Tembe Mutombo.

[laughter]

- Look who it is. lt's-

Your dick is so tan, bro!

- No. - No? You didn't like that one?

- You know, when you kick a dude and he's already down,

he's not likely to share his blunt with you.

- You don't smoke.

- I just bought this from a girl,

and I'm smoking it tonight.

- You're gonna smoke with us, right?

- I don't have to.

- Dude, you should be thanking us,

because, without us, all of those super hot chicks

wouldn't have seen your...

tan dick.

- Yeah, I heard a girl down there

talking about you, man.

It's basically like you're rounding third base

headed for home.

- Wait, was it Vanessa?

She's got tattoos, man. I'm into that lately.

- Oh, here we go. - There's something about ink-

both: Poop dollar!

- There's poop in it!

There's poop in the dollar!

- Look at that.

- All right, whose poop this time?

- Oh, that's all Adam. - Gross.

- It's weird how unembarrassed I am by that.

- Come on, guys. This is a Sunday fun day.

Let's get... crazy!

Gimme that.

[hip-hop music]

Oh, yeah.

♪♪

Ah-ha-ha!

- [coughs] Cool.

- It's early in the morning.

I'm not gonna eat a pepperoni pizza.

- This is the kind of fertilizer-

you don't want to lay down a thick layer.

- I understand that you're in the bathtub,

and if you could just get out, dry yourself off...

- Are you guys freaking out?

- Okay, now I am, Jillian.

Why don't you chill out?

- Sorry, it's just you guys don't at all look ready

for the drug test today.

- Wait, there's a drug test today?

- Yeah, I know. I'm freaking out too.

Last night I went to the Justin Bieber concert

with my nephew Dennis,

and this guy was smoking weed right next to us.

Totally freaked me out.

Hey, you know what else freaked me out?

That picture of your dick, Anders.

I got it in a text.

- How didn't we know about this drug test?

We smoked yesterday.

- Dude, we smoked in the car this morning.

- Alice! - Alice!

- Yo, boss lady. - Good morning.

- Looking large and in charge.

Minus the large,

plus points for being cool.

- Shut up, Adam.

God, I cannot believe we are wasting our time

with this pointless drug test yet again.

- Oh, yeah, there's that today.

We don't have a problem with that.

- Look, you guys know what I'm about.

Both: Putting up the numbers. - That's right.

I put up the numbers

like you put your thumbs up each other's butts.

Besides, this drug test is a joke.

I can't have my sales force running to the bathroom

every five minutes like a bunch of bulimics.

- You don't have to worry about us

'cause we are straight as arrows.

We should be in quivers because we're straight

like as arr-we should-

we're archers.

- Okay, look, I know what's going on out there, okay.

But you need to grow the "F" up.

Speaking of growing, wait till you see the boner

they sent over from the testing company.

- Knock, knock. Is this the VIP lounge?

- Oh, and there he is.

- Hi, guys. - Guys, this is Robbie.

- Yeah, Robbie. Best test in the west.

- He likes to say that.

- Best-test-in-the-west Robbie.

- There he goes.

- It's just a drug test,

so nothing to be scared of.

- I'm excited.

What kind of drugs are we testing?

[laughter]

- What? - That was a joke.

- Oh, I love jokes. That's fun. That's funny.

- Okay, well, I'm just gonna let you guys pal around.

And I'm gonna get away from you.

Okay.

- Bye, Alice.

- You might have her fooled but not me.

I recognize burnouts when I see 'em.

I'm a professional. I'm a friggin' bloodhound.

And I can see the signs- the glazed eyes,

the ridiculous J.Crew outfit.

And you, Strawberry Shortcake,

I can't wait to get deep inside

that urinary tract of a river of pee

and just see what kind of mistakes you've been making

in your own life.

Oh, Mama, I'm gonna have fun with you.

So, um, I'll see you guys in a little bit.

[hip-hop music]

[hip-hop music]

- I found this stuff called niacin.

It's supposed to flush the toxins out of your system.

- I could start a fire, burn this place down.

One time, when I was a kid,

I literally did this for, like, 45 minutes

and I started a fire.

My clubhouse went up in flames. Feel that.

- That was a cool dance. - Yeah. Thank you.

- What's your idea, dude?

You gonna give us some egg salad sandwiches

out of that little cooler?

- No, I was thinking maybe two tall glasses

of 100% clean urine.

- What? - Yeah.

I knew about the drug test.

Because they announced it two months ago

and me being your friend stocked up for you

'cause you guys are drug addicts.

But then you had to pull

yesterday's little sexting prank.

And now I don't think you deserve it.

But I'll let you earn it.

- Name it. - Bear with me here.

I thought about this last night.

Eat this. - No. Thank you.

That is danger. - Give me the damn tile.

- Okay, sure. I really hate you for this.

- Enjoy that.

- You know how this is gonna feel coming out?

- Feast. - Probably not good.

- It's gonna make our butt holes bleed.

- Thanks. - Chow down.

- Ugh! - [laughs]

Oh, wow, that's a big first bite.

That's a really big first bite.

- It's so dry.

- It's like a mummy's dick.

- And this guy, you better catch up with your friend.

- You're a real son of a bitch.

- Speaking of ketchup,

get the Arby-Q sauce on it, huh?

[both retching and groaning]

- All right, you guys- You guys have had enough.

Uh, why don't you just wash it down, champs?

- That's piss. - That is urine.

- We're not gonna drink piss. - No, thank you.

- No, no, no, this is Gatorade.

See, that's what happens when you mess

with the mastermind of pranks.

- Okay, wow.

- You pull a prank on me, you get pranked back.

All right? Here is the real piss.

And it's all mine.

It's all...

- Over your face. What?

What?

- That was stupid.

- You're stupid, bro.

You've got piss on your face, dude.

- Adam, I had enough for all three of us.

I was gonna let the joke run a little longer

and then split it up, but now it's gone.

And a little bit in my mouth.

- Why didn't you tell me that then?

- Because I was trying to be cool and dramatic,

which you would know nothing about.

- Oh, I don't know about being cool and dramatic, dude?

Who's saving up to buy a motorcycle,

a crotch rocket, and a cool leather jacket?

Lam!

- I don't care. I can't talk to you.

- Screw you.

- Oh, no. What's wrong, guys?

You seem a little jumpy.

Why don't we just go ahead and get you guys fired

so you can spend the rest of the day getting all high?

- That actually sounds awesome.

- I can hear you whispering.

- I know you can hear me.

I'm doing it loud enough for you to hear me.

- Oh, really? Well, can you hear this?

- What?

- You have until 5:00

to make with the zip, the flop, the splash,

and the boo-hoe.

- What was the flop?

- The flop is the penis coming out of the slacks or trousers.

- Oh.

- So then the boo-hoo is just, like,

an extra, like, poop afterwards or something?

- I'm done with you amateurs.

I got a pee cart coming through!

- Dude, this guy is ruthless.

I will not move back in with my mom.

I will sell every drop of my blood for money.

- We've got an hour lunch. We'll figure something out.

- Waymond.

- Hey, Karl, what's up, brother?

Do you know where we can get some niacin

in the next hour?

- Yo, let me drive.

- No. - You have some now?

Where you at?

- How come you always get to drive, dude?

- Because he doesn't even have a license,

and you have a DUI.

- Sweet. We'll see you in ten.

- So where to?

- Our house.

- You let a drug dealer

stay in our house all day?

- He feeds my turtles, Anders.

- Ow. Karl. - Hey, Karl, what's up?

- It's almost the ending, bro. It's Die Hard.

- Did they just say "clucking"?

- Yeah, it must be on cable,

so they switch the swear words out.

- Oh, Carl Winslow. I forgot about him.

" Shh!

- Did you know that Reginald VelJohnson wasn't actually-

- Shut the cluck up.

Fuck

[hip-hop music]

[hip-hop music]

- "Come out to the coast.

We'll get together, have a few laughs."

- It's a movie, dude.

You can't climb through an air duct.

- This movie's based on a book.

Books don't lie.

- Um, Blake, did you need that niacin

for some reason, bro?

- Oh, yeah. Thanks, man.

- See ya, Karl. - See ya.

- Hey, Ders.

I just got that stuff at the drug store, man.

- That's great.

Just don't touch any of my things.

- What? Why not?

- Because your fingernails are gross.

- Oh.

He is absolutely right.

- It says here to take two for results in eight hours.

That means we should take eight for results in two.

- Yep, all right, let's crank the heat up

and sweat this bitch out. - Wait a second.

Guys, these aren't Flintstone vitamins.

There's probably side effects.

Let me see the bottle.

- Yeah, see, redness,

itching of the skin.

- You guys sweating yet or what?

'Cause I got swamp nuts.

- Yeah, boy!

I'm about ready to keep my job

and get a paycheck, son.

- Whatever. - You know this.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait. What if this doesn't work, man?

We need clean piss.

- [sighs] Ugh!

I had clean piss already. Remember'?

I had it.

- Maybe we could find somebody to give us clean piss.

- How are we supposed to find someone to give us clean piss

when everyone over the age of 12 smokes weed these days?

[tires screech]

- Hey, kids, you gotta go pee?

Pigtails, I'm talking to you.

- We have candy.

- Guys, guys, come on. Look at our faces.

We're just scaring these kids.

Why don't we go somewhere

where we can actually get some clean piss?

- Okay. - Hey, I'll give you some piss.

- You will? - Yeah.

Maybe I need to go.

What's in it for me, bfiches?

- Uh...

I have... a receipt.

' I've got $4 huh? '

- I make 30 bucks a week of allowance, fuck nose.

- Okay, so what do you want?

- I want something I can't buy.

- ORGY-

- Oh, okay. - I get it.

- Yeah, all right. Sure. - See this bag?

Pee into it, and wait here.

We'll be back. All right?

- You remind me of myself. - And watch your language.

- ♪ Lit, lit, lit ♪

♪ Let the reefer hang, swingin' orangutan ♪

- Hey, Karl.

- ♪ Sweet Mary Jane with a hybrid boomerang ♪

♪ Bang bang boogie ♪

♪♪

- Oh, definitely.

Stupid.

- ♪ Give me that ol' bang bang ♪

♪ Give me that ol' bang bang ♪

♪ Give me that ol' bang bang boogie ♪

- All right, let's get that piss.

- Let's make this fast. I have Boy Scouts at 4:00.

- This. - See this hard drive?

5,000 songs, all right?

- Wait, no, no, no. The Nookie Mix is tracks

specifically picked to bone to.

- I don't have sex.

- But you probably beat yo' meat, right?

And this is a good one.

It's old, but it is...

- Digital. 500 porn videos, all right.

- That's creepy.

- I'll take that lighter, though.

- Uh, it's actually a Zippo.

- Does it light cats on fire? - Cats?

- On fire, yeah.

- No. - So pass.

What do you got, Hermione?

- Shut up, booger face.

I got ninja stars and fireworks.

- All right, that's what I want.

- All right, cool.

Pee first, booger face.

- I'm not a booger face, asshole.

- Yeah, whatever.

' He)', what are you guys doing?

- Go, go, go, go! - They touched me.

- Perverts!

- You got some, right? You got some pee?

- Oh, yeah. - All right, here, here.

Just put it in here.

- Here we go. - It's not enough.

Hey, Ders, just turn the car around.

Let's go back to the office, get it over with.

- Yeah, all right.

- Karma is for real.

- And thank you very much.

- No, Mom, I'm saying I might have to borrow some money.

- There you go.

- He's awesome at peeing.

But let's see how you do.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Take as much time as you can.

- HEY-

I said, "Let's go."

- Hey, Jillian, I got a plan.

Are you in? - Hell, yeah.

You know it's bros before hos.

- Yippee-ki-yay, mother cluckers.

[dramatic music]

♪♪

- Can I get some water?

- Yeah, I'm parched.

- Yes, fine.

Make it fast.

Hey, I said fast. Get there now!

- "Come up to the roof,

we'll get together, smoke a few blunts."

- Hey, Robbie. Hey, how's it going?

Um, listen, I wanted to talk to you

about something real quick, is that okay?

- Make it quick. Go.

- Oh, it's totally quick.

I see that you're on your way into the bathroom,

and you don't want to go in there right now.

'Cause...

it's gay time.

It's gay time in the bathroom.

And if you go in there, then you'd be gay.

- Hey Twitchy.

- Huh? - What drugs are you on?

- Not-some-none.

- All right. No, no, I'm gonna do her next.

All right, try not to pee on the cup intentionally.

I have to touch them afterwards.

That's it, boys. Just like your mama taught you.

All done?

- No. Not even close.

[hisses]

- Hey. You're doing that with your mouth.

Wow.

That smells like unemployment, boys.

[hip-hop music]

[hip-hop music]

- So what's the deal?

You gonna come back later, get your stuff,

sort of do the walk of shame?

Is that it? - Yeah, something like that.

- Okay, cool.

- Hew - Oh, no, sorry.

I get that too. That's my tip.

- Great. - All right.

- Enjoy that. - I will. Bye-bye.

Nice doing business with you guys.

- All right, see ya.

[car engine starts]

- Poop dollar, biotch! [laughter]

- Oh, you think that's funny, huh?

I still have a job.

I'm Robbie! I'm best in the west!

- Tell me, how does one screw up

this badly?

- [clears throat]

I understand the results were a little off.

- Oh.

Every employee has tested positive

for the following: marijuana, MDMA,

PCP, HGH, Lipitor,

Adderall, DayQuil, NyQuil-

why would anyone take both?

Nitrous oxide, Benzedrine, Valtrex, Flomax,

Cialis, and birth control.

Thanks for bringing that up, buddy.

I can't have kids. Don't need birth control.

- I didn't know.

- Look, I want you to get on your hobby cart

and ride your ass out of this office

before I grab Orlando's vacuum

and I shove it up your ass on full suction.

- It was great doing business with you.

- Jillian!

- Hi. How can I help?

- Shut up. - Okay.

- I need you to draft an email

to all employees apologizing for today's drug test.

The results were inconclusive,

and we're gonna have a new round tomorrow.

Just a strand of hair.

Why are you still staring at me?

- I'm sorry about the kid thing. I couldn't help-

- Why aren't you typing?

- I can't have pets in my apartment building, so...

Right.

Email. Hair. Got it.

- Whoo! ♪ She had a space nut ♪

♪ Like a cosmonaut ♪

♪ Whatcha know about me being ♪

♪ The cosmo robot ♪

- Whoa. - ♪ Dadadadada ♪

All: ♪ Da da da da da ♪ [cell phone beeps]

- ♪ I got a phone with capabilities ♪

♪ If I get another email ♪

♪ It's the end of me ♪

- Damn it.

- Nice.

[dog snorting, party horn blows]