Original subtitles

♪ I see deep brick red Slick cherry red ♪

♪ Shiny rosy red Candy apple red ♪

♪ A stellar deep red On your face... ♪

Welcome to New York City,

the capital of the world.

Ew, gag wad, not Times Square!

That's for crusty Elmo costumes and fanny-packing tourists.

Uptown, please. Much better.

Here's my little slice of the juicy Big Apple.

The Upper East Side. We've got it all.

Blonde WASPs, rhinoplasty patients,

crypto bros, third wife hoes,

bums, mums.

If aliens landed on Fifth Avenue,

they think the dominant form of life was nannies.

But I digress. My name is Dzanielle.

I was one of those people who said

they grew up 20 minutes from the City,

but really it was an hour and a half.

I finally clawed my way to the 212 and never left.

I'm a mom-fluencer with 999,000 followers.

I'm gonna get to a mil if it fucking kills me.

I have famous actors who follow me, models,

but mostly it's moms and gays who want to see

the Upper East Side lifestyle.

This is my street. I've just come from my fave market, Eli's.

#GrilledArtichokeBottoms. 71 bucks a pound, but worth it.

Who wants to mess up their

Tom Ford come-fuck-me red lipstick on the leaves?

If Marty Scorsese can make an entire "Netflick"

about Fran "I Never Heard of Moisturizer" Lebowitz,

then I can have my own Dzanielle movie.

♪ Slick cherry red Shiny rosy red ♪

♪ Candy apple red A stellar deep red ♪

♪ On your face ♪

♪ Face ♪

♪ Face... ♪

- Dzanielle, look here! - Beautiful!

Okay, now I want a full shot!

For those of us who don't work--

like work in an office--

we throw ourselves into philanthropy.

Some are intimate ladies-who-lunch things,

and some are huge galas,

so big even the kinetic cunts from Greenwich schlep in.

Guess what? I went out and got the face mask

and used it and it worked wonders.

It's like, legit skin of a fetus afterwards.

I am so glad. There's something really grodisime in it, like snail jizz.

- But that shit works. - Well...

No, look at you, Guantanamo slay.

- Can we take a picture together? - Of course.

- Okay. - My assistant Caroline has my selfie.

- Can I borrow-- Thanks, Caroline. - I can't miss this moment.

Dzanielle! Dzanielle!

Bye, honey. I'll DM you my number.

Love her!

Obesity doesn't just affect humans,

which is why Lipo For Manatees needs your help.

Um, hi.

My entire family, like, worships your Instagram.

- Can I trouble you for a quick selfie? - Of course!

The packed social season is where I see all my friends and fans

and connect with everyone while looking fab

to raise money for a good cause.

Thank you for supporting FAB, the Food Allergy Ball.

Capri is the Nantucket of Italy, and we must fight to SCIRF.

So grateful you could all join me today at the 12th Annual FUTI Luncheon,

to fight urinary tract infections.

Ladies, burning clits are no joke.

But the highlight of my life is none of that.

It's my family.

My two amazing kids, Jared and Dakota,

are the lights of my life.

And, well, I used to have an amazing husband,

but now I have a beautiful divorce,

- since a year and half ago. - Hello.

Hi, my loves! How was your dad's?

My bar mitzvah tutoring goes by so slowly. It's torture.

- Jared. - Natalay!

- Hi. Hi. - Hi.

Oh.

I still love him,

but he cheated on me, so also I despise him.

You said I should get my boobs done!

No, no, no, bullshit. You said, and I quote,

"Do you think I should get a boob job?"

And I said that I supported you.

You didn't tell me that we wouldn't be able to touch each other for a month.

I'm not Gandhi.

I'm pretty sure he was like a sex addict,

and he banged his niece.

That can't be true.

Okay, well, whatever, a priest.

- Have you seen Spotlight ? - I knew that was a bad example.

It meant nothing. It wasn't a big deal.

You have to believe me, I love you.

You're making a mountain out of a molehill.

Going to the special massage place is not a fucking molehill.

Just jerk off like everybody else.

You couldn't even make it a month without getting a happy ending shiatsu?

- You suggested the place. - I was joking!

Okay, I should... I should probably get going.

I had to perp walk a V.P. out of the office for using the company card on...

Charming.

I have a really big day, too. I'm meeting with General Mills.

They want to sponsor a post, and then Bronson Van Wyck,

the event planner for the party.

You know...

I think it might be nice if...

I was involved a little in the planning of the b'nai mitzvah.

The kids are so excited. It's the biggest day of their lives,

and, you know, I wouldn't want you doing everything by yourself.

Oh, I got it covered.

I'm gonna do like, a whole kids area

with the Dylan's Candy bar pop up,

and then stations with, like, pigs in blankets and sliders, only bigger.

Okay. Kids, I have to get going.

All right. Oh, sweetheart.

This last year has been hard on Jared and Dakota.

Since our divorce, we've been playing a game of guilt chess.

His big move was giving us our dog, Natalay.

Natalay.

Come, come. Come, come. Come, come. Natalay!

My community of followers

has really gotten me through some tough times.

Especially when my cousin/best friend,

Kim, moved to California

during her midlife crisis in search of spiritual enlightenment,

right after my divorce was final.

I was gonna call you yesterday.

I did this ayahuasca trip with this shaman in Topanga,

and it was a-fucking-mazing!

I mean, I vomited all over the chick next to me,

and I was, like, diarrhea-ing out of my asshole.

But I fit into my high school jeans the next morning.

Sounds great.

I'm trying to embrace a new chapter

and Marie Kondo my life to spark joy.

In your town, you might make friends

at your church or your little cul-de-sac,

but here it's all about your kids' private school.

That's how I met my pedicure posse.

It was so stressful.

We get home, we're totally drenched, drowned rats.

I bust into my bedroom, and my nanny is in bed shtufing my massage therapist.

I'm deceased!

So, I fire them on the literal spots

they were 69-ing on, on my 2000 thread counts.

Now, I have no nanny and no massage therapist.

My rectum muscles are killing me! I'm so uncomfortable.

Karen. So sorry.

Do you mind making the corners,

like, less square and more rounded?

- I call it squoval. - Yes, Ms. Dzanielle.

Uh, time out. Your nails are amazing.

- What color is that? - It's three layers.

One coat of hot tub harlot,

one coat of Tinkerbell's Labia

and one coat of elevator blowjob.

Très chic.

It's just, planning the b'nai mitzvah has been so crazy.

The theme, by the way, is candy.

And I've been begging to get one of those viral TikTok cakes.

Wedding size.

You know the rainbow when you slice into it and it shits out Skittles?

Oh, look. It's my baby, Voltaire.

Hi, Voltaire. Hello, Voltaire, Care Bear.

Wait. Hold on. Oh, my God.

- Your dog is walked by Yuki? - The one and only.

I texted him, and he just never wrote me back.

Is he, like, that busy?

He accepts no one. Jessica Chastain is wait-listed.

He's so sexy.

He's like an Asian Harry Styles mixed with an Asian Idris Elba.

I heard he does omakase five times a week.

Yeah, and he gets front row seats at Fashion Week.

Oh, and Matt Damon goes to him for life coaching.

Yuki, what would I do without you, man?

- You're my sage. - You have to let it go, Matt.

He monitors every single dog log

for fecal consistency and disease control,

then every Friday sends me a laminated report

in a leather-bound monogram notebook.

He's 1,500 a week, per pooch.

So...

McKinley, would you ever consider

speaking to Yuki on our behalf?

Natalay is a thoroughbred Pomeranian.

She's from those lesbian breeders in Wisconsin.

They have a seven-year wait list.

Oh, I love the lesbian breeders. They're so focused.

I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to do it

because if it doesn't work out, it'll reflect poorly on Voltaire, and...

I'm sorry. You understand?

Yeah, of course.

You guys, work is insane for me right now.

Being a matchmaker for high net worth individuals,

Spring is the season.

One of my clients is over there right now.

- You set up the Hammermans? - Mm-hmm.

- I always wondered where he found her. - In a crib.

You guys, she's right there. Be quiet.

Whatever. It's not like English is her first language.

His late wife, Maud Hammerman, was the height of taste.

Blagdanorova is not like us,

and it's not because she's from Czechoslovakia or whatever.

It's because she's flashy, she's cheesy.

She's super rich, but she's tacky super rich.

Nouveau.

Yeah, but I mean, you could say that about me. I'm from Long Island.

One doesn't necessarily have to have old money,

but one has to have some sense of refinement.

I heard she tried to bribe my abalone dealer to cut the wait list.

All right, ladies,

I should go. I have my BBC Studios class.

- It's been a plezh. - Yes!

And I'll see you all on Thursday

at Eliza's very, very wonderful cause.

- Bye, Dzanielle. - Namaste. Bye.

My membership to New York's top

agony-focused bespoke trainers

will help me release some of this tension I'm feeling.

Sometimes it feels like my IRL friends

don't even care about my RL.

And the way they were talking about Blagdanorova

was just so mean.

Talking shit on people can be fun when they deserve it,

but she didn't do anything to them.

What clams!

Come on! Do you want a fupa?

That's a fat upper pussy area! You don't want that.

Um, FYI, my daughter, Dakota, said that fupa's canceled now.

Apparently, we're supposed to use the term "gunt."

Shut the fuck up!

Damn, she's the best.

Push, unless you want those back wings.

You want to look like that flying rodent

that gave us the goddamn plague?

I mean, they're my friends and everything,

but they were so catty casting aspersions

on this poor woman just because she's different.

And, like, what are they saying about me behind my back?

- It's a good question. - We all live in the same nabe.

Why can't we just Sesame Street this shit and get along?

Okay, now, feet together for me.

Deep breath.

And exhale.

Ow. Pierre, be careful.

I just got my vajay re-tightened at V-Spot.

- Hmm. - My cooter was so stretched out,

you could insert a tampon with a t-shirt cannon.

Why didn't you just C-section those babies like the rest of my clients?

Hello. Obviously, I booked a cesarean. I'm not an animal.

But Jared had other plans. He was crowning in the lobby.

- Holy shit. - Fucking kids.

But it's so worth it. I love my little semen demons.

My box was busted, but now I'm re-virginized.

The murdered ghost of Jeffrey Epstein

would rise up and beg to fuck me.

They do asses?

I fucked up my nails

and had to go get another coat of Tinker Bell's Labia.

While I was sitting there, I realized

there's room in this town for everyone,

and excluding people because they aren't like you

is the lamest.

So, I decided to become the Mr. Rogers

of East 74th Street.

Hi, how are you?

Good afternoon.

You're Mrs. Hammerman's...

I'm Connor, the house manager. What can I do for you?

Oh, hi, I'm Dzanielle. I'm just dropping off this invitation.

Sorry, I just had my nails done. Still tacky.

- Mm-hmm. - Thanks.

I'm having a luncheon, and if you

could just give her that for me.

Thank you.

Of course, madam.

Come, come.

Thank you, Connor.

How's Mr. Hammerman holding up today?

Making the Cryptkeeper look like Timothée fucking Chalamet.

Aw, is that my baby?

That's my baby!

What's this?

"Please join me..."

Oh, my God.

Is the happiest lady! She invited me for ladies' luncheon!

Yes! Oh, would you please call my hair and make-up peoples?

Oh! What I wear? What I wear? Morty!

Morty!

Oh, my angel.

Hello, morning, darling.

You look so beautiful, my love.

- How are you feeling? - Better, now seeing you.

Morty. And look, she invite me.

Ahh.

I always feel invisible with these people.

Blaggi, most people, they're jealous.

They don't know us. They don't know you.

They don't know what a kind, beautiful heart you have.

Oh, are you okay?

Should I call nurse?

Nurse! Oh, no.

I need to rest a little bit, my love.

- Okay. - All right.

I love you.

Okay.

I'll be back after you take nap.

I see you later, and I... I feed you soups.

Okay.

I knew I was doing the right thing

by including Blagdanorova.

I watched the master class in hostage negotiation,

so I knew damn well how to make everything copacetic

while rocking out my new Alice and Olivia.

#OOTD, #Partner, #AD.

Mike! How's that Knicks game last night?

It was a goddamn embarrassment.

- Ma'am. - Hi, Mike.

Where in Satan's hairy nut sack is my Uber?

Hey, could you spare a dollar?

I'm not a junkie. I just need money for food.

Oh, I would, but I'm late for a charity lunch.

You could buy me a charity lunch.

Is that tee from the Weiss' rap-themed bar mitzvah?

Yeah, it is.

My whole wardrobe consists of cast-off bar mitzvah swag.

The Jews, they leave them on the corner for me. Yeah.

- You're hilarious. Take care. - You too, thank you.

Have a-- Thank you for helping someone... else.

- So simple, right? - Mm-hmm.

I mean, where did she come from?

Blagdanorova, hi!

- Hello. - Thank you.

Ah, you can call me Blag.

Oh, hello, Blag.

Please come sit down. I'm so glad the invitation got to you.

I know how busy you and Mr. Hammerman must be.

Very happy to have invitation.

I usually read to him all day,

so it's very nice to get out of the house.

Oh, I'm so glad you did. Let me introduce you to everyone.

This is Amy and Pam.

- Hi! - Ben?

Pam, P as in psychologist,

A as an aesthetic, M as in I used to be a model.

Of course, you know McKinley.

Oh, yes, my fairy godmother.

I love love.

And this is Eliza and Liz.

Hi, Liz Hittler. Two T's, no relation.

Thought we weren't doing last names.

Hello.

I chair this benefit.

Thank you for having me. It's a beautiful event.

So...

How... How did you get here?

To America?

Oh, for most women from Latvia,

- the only way out is on your back. - Oh.

I was a famous ballroom dancer in Riga

with my partner Sigmar.

We danced and loved all day and night.

We get visa

to come to the United States for a special ability.

And when we arrive, he leave me for bitch in Brooklyn.

She own vegan bakery.

Sigmar hate carb.

You guys get together.

What a colossal dick hole.

God. Fuck that guy in the eye socket.

- I am so sorry. - Oh, no.

It fine. I meet husband, and I have life

I never would have had.

Ladies.

Hello.

Perimenopausal hot flash!

Any allergies?

- Dairy? - No moo, bah, or oink.

I'm allergic to cilantro, blue cheese,

those boots with open toes,

and the song "Sweet Caroline."

Make it stop.

Got you.

Looks like Eliza sprung for Tier Ones.

- You're welcome. - What is this Tier Ones?

It's the cater waiters.

So for $30, you get Bilbo Baggins.

40 bucks an hour, you get like, um, like, attractive... ish.

50 bucks an hour, and you get models.

Yeah. Studies have shown that food tastes much better

when served by a long-lost Hemsworth brother.

So true!

I'm not going to be able to eat the food

because I just started the GG cracker fast.

It's a little bit like anal bulimia.

- Facts. - Well, good for you.

I just started reading Dr. Melanie's latest book.

Oh, my God, it's not that hard. Just eat less food.

- Yeah. - Changed my life.

- I have an autographed copy. - She's a visionary.

I just finished the fourth chapter

where she says don't reward yourself with food

- because you are not... I know. - ...you are not a dolphin.

- It's so simple! - What is this book?

Are you, like, from Mars?

- Close. Latvia. - It's great.

- Blag, I'll give you my copy. - Thank you, Dzanielle.

So... tell me about yourselves.

Well, I make bespoke luggage

using the entire hide of one crocodile

with your monogram.

- Ohh. - In Sanskrit. So...

I commissioned one for my 43rd birthday,

and then everyone wanted one.

Oh. You're sweet.

You're so-- You flatter.

- You have 43 years? - Mm.

You look amazing.

Black don't crack.

Yeah, Black don't crack, Asian don't raisin,

and Jews get face lifts.

You're very funny.

Hi, again. Liz Hittler, two T's, no relation.

I volunteer.

Ohh.

- How kind. - Well, when I'm in town.

- Mm. - And not traveling within the Platinum Triangle

of Aspen, Palm Beach and Southampton.

I'm just a girl boss,

to be honest.

Oh, and what about you?

My most important job is a mom to my five angels.

Clementine, Jasper, Juno, Hopper, and Anais.

Very nice.

I just pet-parent.

Ohh.

- And stepmother. - Ohh!

How old are your husband's kids?

57 and 59.

- Oh. - Ohh.

Okay. Showtime, ladies.

- Ohh! - Break a leg!

Thank you. Thank you all for coming, and good afternoon.

All right, ladies,

America's children are getting dumber every day.

- It's true. - Yeah.

We can't let our children lose a single brain cell more.

That's why I created MAVE,

Mothers Against Vaping and Edibles.

Ladies, after we pretend to eat,

we are going to shop like nobody's watching--

or checking their credit card bills. Am I right?

Nothing dries up a pussy faster than going over the AMEX bill.

Am I right? Sahara!

Sand's all I got in my cooter, right?

...7% of all proceeds go to MAVE.

Amen.

Thank you. No, thank you.

So, I got to run and pick up the twins at water polo.

Oh, your kids are lucky to have you.

Oh, I'm crazy about those little nut jobs.

As they say, it take a "willage."

It takes a vineyard, is what it takes.

Ha. I like.

Thank you, Dzanielle, for having me.

It's so nice to make so many new friend.

Oh, well, I'm thrilled you could be here.

And if you want to get more involved

with philanthropy, just let me know.

Oh, yes! I think it would be wonderful.

Oh.

My dog, Pretoria.

Yuki, my dog walker, send me pictures all day.

Oh, my God, your dog is with Yuki?

Not to brag, but I'm kind of a well-known influencer,

and I've begged my friends to hook me up with him.

Dzanielle, let me help fix.

Seriously, that would be amazing.

I'm fixing right now.

- Come on. - You are a goddess.

- I got it. - Thank you!

Dogs are a great icebreaker.

Every family has a paw print

on their Printery at Oyster Bay holiday cards.

And it's not social climbing if your pooch is

sniffing a CEO's dog's nut sack. They don't know.

So when Jordy gave us Natalay,

I said okay, but he wasn't going to be

some deadbeat dog dad.

He owes us love and support.

Dzanielle. Hi.

Cary, what are you watching today, porn or lacrosse?

Get Jordan now.

Uh, he's in kind of an important meeting right now.

Unless that meeting is solving world peace, I need him now.

- This takes precedence. - I'm, like,

70%... sure... that it isn't.

Tell him it's a family emergency.

Hey. You okay? Kids okay?

Of course. We're fine. I'm going to get them now.

Wh-- Why did you tell Cary it was a family emergency?

Because it is!

I scored an appointment with Yuki, the famous dog walker.

What the fuck is a Yuki the Dog Walker?

5:00 sharp. You have to be there.

I don't want him knowing that Natalay

comes from a broken home.

Okay. I'll be there.

All right. See you later.

Dude, you got the coolest box I've ever seen.

You like my box, huh?

- Is it paper-maché or...? - Uh, I don't know.

You know, every year, the second graders from St. Bernard's, they do this

elaborate diorama that I end up using as a makeshift shelter.

And this year's theme is Art Deco, so I kind of...

It's pretty cool, right?

- Sweet! - Nice.

And I, you know, listen, I'd rather be here

than the panhandle of Oklahoma,

which is where I'm from.

I have all this free time to think about...

♪ How incredibly ♪

- ♪ Fucked... ♪ - Wow.

♪ I am ♪

- Amazing. - Our mom does that.

She sucks, though.

I was in an indie rock band.

Um... the Princes of Paleolithic.

You seem so normal.

How-- How come you're homeless?

So we prefer the term "unhoused."

It's fine. Don't worry about it.

Just from now on, maybe, say unhoused.

- Of course. - Uh...

But the band broke up.

You know, you lose a gig,

one thing leads to another, and you're on the street.

- Hi. Hi, kids. - Hi, Mom.

What have I told you about talking to strangers?

This is Gary. We see him every day.

How you doing? I'm Gary. How was your luncheon?

Oh, thank you for asking.

Um... it was a huge success.

Vapes and edibles won't know what hit 'em.

- Oh. - Okay. Kids, we gotta go home.

We have a very special visitor.

- Bye, Gary. - Bye, Gary.

You have wonderful children.

Thank you. I'm Dzanielle, by the way.

Mom, how come you don't ever give Gary any money

or invite him up for dinner?

Because that's not how it works, honey.

You-- You don't go around handing out cash, you know.

You don't know if they're gonna blow it on drugs or alcohol.

You-- You give it to a charity or a foundation,

and they disperse it.

Mom, how rich are we?

You two with the questions today!

We are very, very fortunate.

Pilar? Pilar?

I need you to take Natalay to her bathroom

and get the new Oribe spritz, okay?

I want her fur to shine

like she just stepped out of Julian Farel. Okay?

And I also need you to clean her butthole, spritz it

until there are cartoon twinkles coming out of it. Okay?

Of course, Miss Dzanielle,

and the fresh mints you asked for are on the table.

You're a lifesaver!

Hello, hello!

- Jord, you're late. - I'm here, okay?

I ditch my meeting and bump my call

with Howard Schultz for you.

- Dad! - Hey, Dad!

Oh, bube. How you doin'? Hi, bube.

- What's going on? - How's it going?

Can we do anything?

Um... yes, you can go and get the Baccarat crystal balls,

and we'll swap out these food and water dishes.

Yuki needs to see that Natalay only gets the best.

And then...

You smell like horse. Change out of your jodhpurs. Okay?

This is all for the dog?

The dog walker.

And he's like the Meryl Streep of dog walkers.

Don't give me that look, Jordan.

I am on the Godfather Day of my period,

like flag of Japan situation.

Okay? So do not mess with me.

My hormones are raging, and I can't even

put in a slender regular tampon 'cause I just got re-virginized.

You have schmutz here.

Wait, wait, you did that?

Wouldn't you love to know?

I've always wanted to go to Japan.

You're not coming near my sashimi.

♪ Yes, yes, yes ♪

♪ Hoo, hoo, hoo ♪

Pilar, thanks for doing this.

If he says no,

I'm not doing this anymore.

I'm allergic, and I don't like animals.

I know. You've been amazing.

Let's just hope this works.

Oh, my God, that's him, that's him. Okay.

Deep breaths.

All right.

Jord, Yuki's arrived.

Great.

Hello!

Welcome, welcome.

Come on in.

Hey. How are you? Jordan.

Make yourself comfortable.

We invited your friend, Monsieur Perignon.

And we got some Kappo Masa.

This will do.

- Jordan. - Yeah.

- Yuki, have a seat. - Yeah.

So, uh, what... what can we tell you?

First, the name of your dog.

Oh, um, it's Natalay.

Hm.

Curious.

Traditionally, I do not work with dogs

that have human names.

My clients are

Fluffy Schwarzman,

Diamond LeFraque,

Batches Butter Astin.

Things like that.

Oh.

If I were to call a dog's name

and 15 human people turn around,

I hate that.

I accepted Kevin Bacon's dog,

Francis, only because

he promised me he would reedit Mystic River

so the ending... wasn't... so...

depressing.

Well, actually, Natalay is my dead mother's name.

I wanted to honor her memory.

That is somewhat compelling.

Deepest condolences.

- May I see her? - Of course.

She's in a picture frame on the Steinway.

The dog.

Oh. Pil... ar!

Moth... er!

Ah, there she is.

Hi, Natalay!

We will need some time.

Yeah, go for it.

Alone.

Oh, you-- you mean we should leave?

Yes, I will need anywhere from ten minutes

to seven hours.

Okay, obviously. Whatever you need.

Take all the time you need.

Make yourself at home.

We will be in the great room should you need us.

Mm.

Take the strippers' pole!

Um, no, you have to do that.

Oh, my God, what could he possibly be doing in there?

Jord, the man is a legend, okay?

He has a process. You have to respect it.

He's eating your dinner.

Grab her loop. You missed the first.

Get the one in the blue.

Babe, he needs the job, okay?

Not you.

What are you, the Dalai Lama now?

Jord, this is the only way I can calm down, all right?

Maybe if you were onboard with all this,

I wouldn't be so stressed.

- I'm rudderless. - Oh, rudderless?

Maybe you're rudderless because you're paying some schmuck

$1,500 to walk the dog.

Which, by the way, would have been nice

if you gave me a little advance warning and consulted me.

Well, it would have been nice if you had consulted me before getting your dog walked.

What the fuck?

Why?

I gotta get this.

- Cary? What? - All right, grab her loop.

Kids! Kids, shush your mouth!

Listen, hold on one second. Hold on.

No, don't go out there! Don't go out there! Natalay has sensory issues.

Oh, come on, stop it.

- Hey, hey, you hear me? - Jordan.

- All right, where'd they land? - We need you.

They just finished the merger terms.

No!

So what you're saying is the board approved the merger?

First vote was split, but then... yeah, you totally sold 'em.

Yes! Fuck, yes!

Cary!

Oh, my God! That's amazing.

Okay, okay, this is big.

- This is big. - You killed it.

This is so good. This is so fucking good.

Shares are about to go through the roof.

Paris Capitals board is going to be ecstatic.

Ohh! Oh, that's good.

Oh, my God, there's cayenne pepper in there.

Don't tell anyone until I get back.

Yes!

Dad! Dad!

Come on, let's go. Give it to me. Bam, bam.

Come on, let's go, let's go.

Give it to me... a third time.

Are we still doing this? Hello.

What, am I a hologram?

I'm here, aren't I?

In fact, I should be celebrating

the most important moment of my entire career.

Okay, okay. I'm sorry.

Congrats on your work making money thing.

I don't even know what finance means.

Hi. So, did we-- did we pass?

May I please see your leash collection.

Of course. Pilar!

Can we please show Mr. Yuki the leash collection?

I don't know if you're on Instagram,

but I kind of have a lot of followers.

My hairdresser has 1.2 million followers.

No one cares.

They're all designer and monogrammed, as you'll see.

I will call you after my deliberations.

Yes. Of course.

Deliberate as much as you need to.

Is this 12 Angry Men?

Let us know when the jury's reached a verdict.

Domo arigato.

Also, I should mention I just signed a huge...

Well, at least if he deigns to gouge us with his services,

you won't have to walk the dog anymore.

Thank God.

Are you staying the night?

I could make up the spare bedroom.

...special dog food.

It's all locavore, seed to anus.

- It's only the best. - Uh...

You're the best.

But no, I have a-- I have an early day tomorrow.

Thank you, though.

Good night, Pilar. Good night, kids!

Oh, my God, oh, my God, I just said domo arigato,

and I now think that might be Spanish.

You're fine. You did great.

Really?

Really.

- All right, I'll see you. - Thanks.

Thanks for doing this, Jordan.

Damn, I wish I could go to contortion school

so I could chow my own box like that.

Actually, ew, no.

Yay! You're home.

Oh, hi, honey.

Did you pick up the Torx key for the crib?

I picked up brackets and Allen wrenches.

The instructions clearly say a Torx key.

I mean, the dude said Allen wrenches, so...

Anyways, don't worry, I-I-I'll get it built.

Oh, shit. Right.

I need to make that dog call.

Hello?

I am calling to inform you

that I will be taking on Natalay as a new client.

Thank you, thank you! We will not let you down!

But given the unfortunate name,

there will be an increase in the weekly payment

to $2,000.

Nothing is too good for our Natalay.

Excellent.

Okay. Thank you.

We did it. We did it!

We got Yuki!

He said yes. We did it.

We got him.

Oh, and if Yuki ever says anything,

Nana Pearl is not alive and well on Jupiter.

She's dead, and her name was Natalay.

I can't believe you got away with that.

"Karen, I call it a squoval!"

I mean, I can't believe that we landed a whale

from Chilmark Olympus Point Capital.

That stock is gonna shoot up once that merger is announced.

Chatter on some message boards fits.

One estimate has it jumping over 50% once they announce,

probably in a couple of weeks.

I just... There.

We could double our money.

- Wow. - So, that gets us a master's

in aerospace engineering from Columbia.

You're gonna get the best education that money

from the worst people can buy.

All right, love you guys.

Don't stay up getting brainwashed by China on TikTok.

Pilar, I'm still so giddy about today.

Let's open this bottle of Dom.

You want to stay and have some bubbles with me?

Thank you, Miss Dzanielle, but I must get home to Miguel.

He made his special papadzules.

Enjoy Dom.

Aah.

Maybe call a friend.

Good night. Thank you.

Oh. A million followers.

It doesn't pack the punch I thought it would.

I feel like I got shot out of a camel's asshole.

I miss talking to him.

I miss telling him about my day and hearing about his.

I mean, you think you'd be sick of it after all these years,

but I never was.

God, it's a really nice ring. Stephanie Gottlieb.

Maybe I can wear it on my right hand.

It seems silly to keep it locked away in a drawer, collecting dust.

Danni! Yo, sis, I miss you.

I... I'm just back from Hot Lotty's.

I saw that post you did about the facial

with the stem cells from the baby dick tops.

- How are you doing? - I'm a little down tonight.

I miss you, and...

I miss Jordan.

Aw, honey, I get it.

It's all part of the journey.

I just wonder if maybe... maybe I overreacted.

But Jordie knew that I would never

put up with being that humiliated first wife from Wolf of Wall Street.

Look, you did what you did, what's done is done.

Move on.

That's what I always say. Never look back.

Okay. Um...

I just got hit with, like, a tsunami of exhaustion, so I'm gonna--

I'll call you tomorrow.

Mwah. Love you.

- Love you. - Love you.

In other local news, a new high-end soup kitchen

has opened on Fifth Avenue, serving only

low-calorie, low-sodium miso soup to unhoused people

who are battling high cholesterol.

The next day, I decided to reboot

by improving my mind with the news

and my mindset with some self-care.

Maybe Kim is right about moving on.

Maybe I do need someone new, just not the kind with a dick.

Hey, Siri, call Blagdanorova.

I went to see Evita when I was 8, and I knew I'd move here when I grew up

and never go back to the 516.

Do you have any family here?

I am youngest of seven sister.

I am ugliest. But luckily, I was best dancer.

They stuck there. Not even in Riga.

Kohadesburg. Like red state of Latvia.

Well, you are the most gorge,

and I will pay someone to Tonya Harding the kneecaps

of anyone who tells you otherwise.

My first house was like hole inside of cliff.

And, Amy, your first husband was in a jam band,

and your first Hamptons house was in Quahog,

which isn't the Hamptons.

Incorrect.

It was West Hampton.

Hello, little baby. Hello, monkey baby.

Dogs. They can't resist the taste of dirt and regret.

- What theory? - Oh.

Must have got an extra by accident.

- You wouldn't want it...? - Give it to me!

Thank you so much. That is so kind of--

Mmm! Ah, Smoothies.

One of the great pleasures of life, that and a standing O.

And, uh... and blow.

And a blowjob. Those were the days.

How long have you been, um, unhoused?

Well,

after the band broke up, I had a little incident.

I may have drunkenly staggered in front of a Segway.

Medical bills up the ass. And I cheated on my ex.

She kicked me out. I ended up couch surfing for a while, looking for gigs.

No luck. That's how I ended up at La Casa del Gary.

Oh, my God, this is incredible.

What the fuck is in here? It's great.

Today is all about party prep.

The b'nai mitzvah was in two weeks, and I was so stressed out,

I still had to confirm the blueprints from the balloon architects.

I had to get the cards to the calligrapher and make sure Jared

and Dakota's dvar torahs were in tip-top shape.

I really want to invite Blag and her husband.

Making adult friends IRL is so hard.

Normally you just like their posts and they like yours,

and you don't really know each other.

Maybe I'll see if she wants to have a drink.

She's so nice, like Dakota and Jared.

You know, they're so sweet.

That's why candy is the perfect theme for them.

Unlike their little shit classmate Riley, whose theme was haute couture.

All the tables were called Gucci, Chanel.

I was seated over at Viktor & Rolf-- essentially Siberia.

Hi, Connor. I just decided to pop over because I wanted to bring this to Mrs. Hammerman.

I don't believe anyone has ever "popped over" to us here.

The Hammermans prize their privacy.

Oh, no. Yeah, I totally get that.

I suppose there's a first time for everything.

Why don't we give her assistant a ring?

A thousand apologies for calling at this hour,

but an acquaintance of Ms. Hammerman's has...

..."popped over."

No, never heard of it either.

- Her name is, uh... - Oh, Dzanielle.

Ms. Dzanielle,

and she has a bottle of mid-range champagne.

So be it, then.

You may...

come in.

Ohh! I'm so glad you came.

Mwah! Mwah!

You have to meet Tess.

She my left arm.

When she leave for the weekend, I feel sick. It get lonely here sometime.

Uh, do you want for some nibble?

I have caviar dealer from Little Odessa.

Oh, I am a total Roe Ho, to be honest.

I mean, I could probably eat human flesh

if it came with blini and creme fraiche and chives.

Can I offer you a chilled rosemary-steeped towel?

Oh. Uh... I'm okay.

Dakota.

- Wake up. - Leave me alone.

Do you think mom would ever date Gary if he wasn't homeless?

Not in a million years.

Why not? She likes funny guys.

She's still in love with Dad, dummy.

She's not. They're always mad at each other.

You don't understand women.

Do you think he's happy?

- Dad? - Gary.

How could he possibly be happy?

Well, he doesn't have to go to school or a job.

He can do whatever he wants.

You really don't understand guys.

I'm pretty sure always having to ask people for money makes you sad.

How? We ask Mom for money all the time.

And she gives it to us.

Imagine if we said, "Hey, Mom, can I have a dollar?"

And she just walked away like she didn't know us.

We should help him.

- How? - All he has is his box, right?

So he needs all the other things.

What do we have?

All the toys.

Oh, what about my old Harry Potter scarf here?

Yeah. He-- He's old, right? He probably doesn't care that JK's a TERF.

Hmm.

Uh...

Old slime?

Sensory entertainment's important.

Oh, there's a ton of leftover sushi!

Right! That'll last him, like, two weeks.

I bet it's one of those things that Mom says gets better with age, like wine.

So you're stylish.

Funny.

You talk lot. You walk lot. You very busy.

You do all these thing.

You take a picture, you pose.

Really, why you do all this?

My family split up, and it's been rocky. I'm not gonna lie.

You're hurting for Jordan?

Sometimes.

But, you know, I'm good at compartmentalizing,

so it'll enter my brain, and then I just shake that Etch A Sketch,

flush it out, and I think of the positive stuff.

I'm hashtag-blessed, you know?

I always tell my followers you have to focus on

gratitude and manifesting joy.

This sound wonderful. You love your kid.

Oh, yeah. My kids are my life.

Jared and Dakota are... they're my babies.

I would do anything for them.

You crack it wide open.

Oh, see, this is like...

you understand this... this goodness, right?

I love Morty very much.

Though he very good...

But I could have married many very rich men.

But I chose Morty for setup because...

He have big heart.

Yeah. You mentioned the, uh, cardiac distension.

- It's unhealthily engorged. - That too, doctor say.

But, no, I mean, for heart, for giving.

Very, very generous and kind.

Always giving money,

investing in people for scholarship.

Food bank.

This is why.

This is why I love him.

But... soon he will be gone, and...

I will be even more alone.

Look, you're not gonna be alone because I'm in your life now,

and I'm like herpes and political emails.

You're never gonna get rid of me.

Oh, it's so true!

- Everything okay, kids? - You know it, Mike!

Just going for a little stroll. See ya.

Little stroll with a wagon full of HomeGoods

and in your jammies?

Don't worry, we'll be right back.

Hmm.

- Mmm. - For you, Mike.

For your many years of dedicated service.

Mm.

And to not tell our mom.

Just going across the street. You know Gary.

Dropping some food and stuff off for him.

It'll take two seconds.

I'm not taking any of these 20s.

It's nice of you kids. I'm coming with you.

Don't ever tell your parents.

Thank you, Mike. You the man.

"Dear Gary, sorry you're unhoused.

We thought you could use some food and other stuff.

Your friends, Dakota and Jared."

Five minutes, angels.

Hey, Mom. How come we don't have any poor friends?

Okay. I know you like Gary,

and I know you snuck out to see him last night.

And while I appreciate the gesture,

if you ever do that again, you'll be grounded till prom.

Pilar!

Can you make sure that Natalay finishes

all that wheatgrass juice?

We need to make sure that she sprays diarrhea

before Yuki arrives.

Your mama,

she wants you to be safe, children.

Hmm?

But I could tell she was proud of you.

But don't do this again, eh?

- But, Pilar... - Mm.

...isn't it wrong for some people to have so much

when others don't have anything?

Ay, mia. You should get to school.

Okay? Have a good day.

Let's go. Come on!

Come on. Buh-bye.

Vamonos a la escuela.

Rapido.

Look at this.

"The Jewish perspective on poverty is best described

by a single word of Hebrew text...

Achi-ha."

"Through this word, the Torah insists that we view the poor

as no different from ourselves.

Maybe we should do something good with our b'nai mitzvah money.

Yes, right after we get new sneakers.

I already have six pairs of Golden Gooses.

Wouldn't that make it Golden Geese?

I honestly don't know.

A la escuela! Vamonos, vamonos!

It is time.

I couldn't stop thinking about how my kids

wanted to help Gary,

and all my friends have their charities

that they use to help in some way.

I realized it's time to use my platform for good.

Over a million followers isn't exactly chump change,

even if Yuki's hairdresser has more.

And Blag said she wanted to get more involved in charity work.

So we decided to start our own.

If you're gonna start a charity, you want to do something that's never been done before.

- So we helping people. - Yeah.

- I love helping people. - Totally.

How 'bout seeking a cure for Ozempic sharts?

- It's a problem. - Ahh... no.

Maybe we should come up with something like, more high profile.

Absolutely killing it, ladies. - What is this, high profile?

I want you to think that somebody lined your taint with razor blades,

and the mat is lined with pubes.

Shave the mat with your taint razor.

- Yes! - She very good.

Replace Confederate statues with Manolo Blahnik pop-ups.

- I don't know this Confederate-- - Climate change.

I mean, hello, there's so many hundred-degree days.

My hair is frizzing to Staten Island.

Maybe there is something more with fashion.

What about an advocacy group for more Sawgrass?

- Is this big problem, isn't it? - Oh, horrific.

What about Uber for colonics?

It would leak out while driving.

Why everybody love this orchid painting?

I hear they all vagina.

I've always called her Georgia O'Queef.

Maybe art school to teach people to paint better.

They have those already.

What about hair transplants for the needy bald?

Morty already sponsored this.

All right, brainstorming. Let's pivot.

What's, like, a really common affliction?

Oh, what about a museum for eating disorders?

Maybe we switch to shots.

♪ Ooh, baby ♪

♪ You know I'll always be a freak ♪

♪ It's just the language that I speak ♪

♪ Don't want the things you see every day of the week ♪

♪ I'll always be your freak ♪

Ah, excuse me. I... eh...

Just... How do you know that song?

Oh, when I was young, I loved indie rock.

Oh.

That's... That's crazy, 'cause, um...

that was... That was my band.

Shut the fuck up! You're lying.

- No. - You're the lead singer

- of Princes of the Paleolithic. - ...Paleolithic.

Teen me would have shimmied

into that box and blown you.

- You have an amazing voice. - Well, thanks.

I used to. That was in the before time.

Now I'm just a shadow of my former baritoniness.

- Drugs. - Straight LSD.

Well, I love New York. There's so much talent on every corner.

Well, in your case, literally. But, uh...

have a good day.

The, um, the blowjob thing, though...

Blaggie!

Oh M God.

♪ Light bulb emoji ♪

I just had an idea for a charity.

Hey. Hey, Dzanielle.

Cary, you preppy reversible-named little shit.

Tell Jordan to call me. I need to know what finance is.

I will be sure to give him the message.

Fuck off, Cary!

Jordan is so helpful and handsome.

You think you'll be with him again?

And of course I thought about it.

I knew he was getting jerky from not banging box,

but, like... it still wounded me.

He doesn't get to tell me when to heal.

Right?

Men always think they know best.

My husband, he was telling me to quit here.

- Ah. - And I constantly have to remind him--

"I will tell you when I'm a-ready to quit."

Exactly. Good for you.

What does your husband do, Karen?

Get on the ground. On the ground!

Okay, little rich bitches.

This is exactly what you think it is.

I want all of your jewels, your iPhones, your wallets.

I want you to put them in the bag. Let's go, in the bag.

Everything. That thing too. What is that?

What is that? Just fucking put it in the bag. Okay.

Let's go. iPhone. iPhone, please. Thank you.

Really, lady, you think I don't see that ice rink on your finger?

Come on, Tara Lipinski could do a fucking triple Salchow on that shit.

- Put it in the bag. Let's go. - My Morty gave me this ring.

"Morty gave me these rings." I don't give a shit! Just put it in the bag. Hurry up!

Whenever you're ready, lady. Come on.

Thank you. Thank. Oh. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Where are you going? Let's go. Come back, come back.

- Come back, join the party. - She's pregnant. She's scared.

- You're scaring her. - Okay, well, if you cooperate,

she'll be fine, okay? And you.

I see that ring. Take it off. Put it in the bag. Let's go.

Why are you doing this?

- Do you really want to know? - Yeah.

I used to be a plastic surgeon, okay? Right up here.

Right up here. Park Avenue. Park Avenue, bitches!

I used to have a thriving practice.

Faces, tummies, titties. I did it all.

Didn't I do a consult with you for my boob job?

Ah. Dr. Oren?

- Yes! - Shoulda come to me. Anyway.

One botched facelift. "Botched"!

I mean, you can still kind of recognize her.

Decides to sue me for malpractice.

And here I am.

All right, shut up. I got to get to Zihuatanejo ASAP.

So, like, all the fugitives go there?

Oh, my God, you sound just like my ex-wife. It's cliched for a reason, lady.

I don't need to explain this shit to you. Just fucking come on.

Let's go. Put in here! Come on, put it in. Ooh! Birkin.

Can I have the Birkin? Why am I asking you? Give me the fucking Birkin.

- You beggar! - Gah! You don't have to be so aggressive.

If anyone tries to call the police,

I will burn this place to the fucking ground.

Oh, can you help me put this back on?

Can you do it? So... yeah, so I can see...

- Is that okay? - Yeah, that's better.

Okay. Congratulations. So sweet. Mazel tov.

See you guys.

Oh, my God, you poor thing. Are you okay?

Are you okay?

Oh, my God.

You're having this baby today.

No, no, no, it's-- Don't worry.

I just need to call Yuki.

You're married to Yuki?

Really?

- That guy stole my phone. - Well, the landline!

Ohh...

- We need towels! - Towels!

Ugh! Ugh!

What are they fucking feeding you?

Shh.

- Yuki? - Hi, honey.

- There was a robbery. They took everyone's money. - What?

Wait, what are you talking...? Hey, hey.

Oh, yeah, I'm coming down, honey.

Natalay!

- Hey! It's your little necklace! - Do you...

- You know this dog? - Yeah, sure, this is Natalay. Dzanielle's dog.

My wife's about to have a baby right now.

You think you could take her up?

- No problem. - Thank you.

- Thank you, uh... - Gary.

Gary. Uh... Yuki.

- Okay. - Congratulations!

Yeah, get out of here. Go have a baby.

- I got aromatherapy. - Ahh.

Honey, what happened? Hi!

How is it... How's everything?

What even happened with...?

I am... Yuki is here to...

We're way past that, babe.

We know, and we think it's wonderful.

Lavender and lanolin. It's very calming.

Honey, I'm going to go get us a cab!

Go home! I need my gold bag and my birthing playlist!

- Can I help you? - I'm Gary.

Hi... Gary.

Do you work in the building?

No, sir. I, uh...

I have your dog.

- Oh, Natalay. - Yeah.

And I'm friends with your children.

- I-I'm sorry? - Yeah.

Loo, loo, loo, loo, loo.

She loves to lick me, and I kind of love it, too.

- Gary! - Gary!

Hey, do you know this man?

This is our friend, Dad. Gary.

He's unhoused, but he's really cool.

Wh... Uh...

Here you go.

Uh... Oh. Uh...

Okay.

Thanks. All right.

Oh, right. Yeah. No, I've...

I've seen you in the neighborhood. Right?

- Mm. - Right. Or, um...

pretended not to see you in the neighborhood,

if I'm being honest.

No, I-- It's okay. I get it all the time.

Do you want to come in and play Stardew Valley?

- Or take a nap, or a shower... - Oh, kids...

- ...or a shower-nap? - Mom loves shower-naps.

Uh... no... No. I'll see you guys later.

Please.

Uh, no, I'm sorry, I gotta go.

Hey, Gary.

Why don't you... Why don't you come in?

I'm sure it's been a long time

since you've had a hot meal, warm shower.

It has 360 water jets...

You'll love it.

No, no.

Thank you.

I thought homeless people want to be inside, though.

Unhoused!

"Unhoused" people want to be inside.

No!

No, they want homes.

Homeless people want homes.

I'm sorry, kids, you know...

I know you mean well, but, uh...

Getting a sneak peek into someone else's fabulous life

and then going back to the streets

kind of hurts more than it helps.

He's right.

Let him go.

All right, come on, come on.

Excuse me.

Twenty-two... Twenty-two minutes!

Come here. It's much more comfortable.

I did it very Zen.

Oh, no, no, no, that's not sanitary.

There's the toenail clippings and heel skins.

No time. Baby is knock-knock knocking

on cervix door.

You strong! You strong like a chipmunk.

Holy fucking shit.

- I see a head. - Oh, I'm calling 911.

Good, 'cause I'm not going to make it to hospital.

Yuki, abandon all hope of getting a taxi.

The stork is in flight.

I am on 74...

Just like my mother, all seven, cut open, no anesthesia.

You can do it.

Hi. Um...

Think of your happy place. Okay?

My happy place is my foot up your ass.

So nice to see you all together.

We should do double date sometime.

- Oh. Yeah. - What are you doing?

Go get the ice. Go get the towel.

...time pushing, okay? Hold on.

I find something to tie it down.

Okay, you've got this.

We are in a little goddess circle,

circling you with love.

- What did she say? - She said you're very kind.

Oh.

Ice.

She love you very much.

We love you, too, girl. You got this.

Bite down!

You are a strong, brave,

badass New Yorker!

Oh, my God!

It's a baby!

Oh, my God, Karen, you did it. Mazel tov!

Aww!

I know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay. Sounding great.

Let's try the blessing one more time.

Doing great. Here we go.

Oh, you sound like a dying horse.

It's so nasal.

Tell her to stop.

No, Jared. Hello?

There you are.

Where have you been? We were worried.

You have no idea. I need a shot.

You could have called.

Could I have? It's kind of hard

when your iPhone is stolen at gunpoint.

- What? - Mom, are you okay?

I'm fine, I'm fine.

It's just my nerves are julienned.

- Are you serious? - Jord...

Jord, my ring was stolen.

I was feeling kind of, like, just depressed and down

and I put it on, and this gunman robbed

the whole mani-pedi place, and he took it.

- He took everything. - What?

And then a baby was born on the floor.

- Baby? Whose... - I'm so sorry.

Hey, hey, hey.

It's okay, it's okay.

God, your hugs

always made me feel so safe.

Well...

Well, you'll always have them.

I'll always be here for you.

You're a true friend and baby daddy.

And a mensch.

You okay?

Yeah, I will be.

Morty!

Oh, my love.

I had the most amazing and crazy day.

You would not believe.

But I missed you.

I'm so delighted for you, my heart.

You deserve all the happiness.

As do you, my love.

You know what I think?

In my lifetime...

I've had all the good fortune that one man can have.

And having you here at the last...

is more than I could ever wish for.

What are you saying?

It's time for me to say goodbye, Blag.

No.

No, I still need you.

You are first man to really love me.

I won't be the last.

Your heart is as big as this city.

I promise, someday...

you'll love again.

No, Morty.

I love you, Blag.

I love you.

Everyone think I wait for him to die.

But they know nothing.

I would fall asleep listening to him sleep.

It was comfort.

But now he's gone, and...

- All is quiet. - No.

He was just as lucky to have you

as you were him.

I think he hold on...

till he know I am okay.

Till I have friend. Like you.

Yeah, yeah.

Here she is.

Hi.

I can't believe she's finally here.

And those women.

They actually were really nice.

Yeah.

I mean, I can't believe that

you all got robbed by a crazy, gun-toting thief.

Hmm.

This fucking country.

Are you sure we should raise our baby here?

We are her parents.

She'll be just fine.

Yeah.

After the Shiva,

I was the busiest person in all of New York City.

Blag and I were building up

to the big launch for our charity.

Did you know that to give people stuff for free,

you have to do, like, tons of paperwork?

Jared and Dakota's b'nai was basically minutes away,

so I was in a frantic frenzy running to all the B's,

Bloomie's, Bergdorf's, RIP Barneys.

I went to Julien Farel for a hair rehearsal,

makeup application.

Thank God for Botox and Georgia Louise,

or I would look like utter dreck.

We got it.

Today is the day

you become a woman and a man.

My kids are all grown up.

So proud of you. Group hug.

Aw.

Remember, no matter what, your mom and dad love you.

Okay? Just don't fuck it up.

- Oh, you look gorgeous! - That dress!

Good to see you. Thanks for coming.

Get yourself a drink.

Jord. Hi, Jord.

- Hey. - So what do you think?

Well, I gotta say...

pretty perfect.

Well, Bronson did most of the heavy-lifting.

Stunning.

Well, you're not so bad yourself.

Kim!

Hi, everyone.

Jared and I wanted to thank you all so much for coming tonight.

And we wanna thank our awesome parents for throwing us this party.

And we wanna talk to you about what we learned as we prepared for tonight.

If we leave you with one word tonight, it is achi-ha.

Your brother. It's easy for me to see Jared as my brother.

I mean, the first room we shared was literally in my mom.

She evicted us. Not cool.

But it's hard to see people

who seem different from you as your brother.

And yet the Torah commands us to do just that.

Genesis describes all humans as created B'tzelem Elohim,

in the image of God.

We're all created in the same image,

and to deny that is an affront to God.

What asshole wants to do that?

So tonight, my brother and I have taken on a challenge,

and we're inviting you all to do the same.

We're proud to announce

that everything you have so generously given us tonight...

...we're giving away.

To a kickass new charity, founded by our mom

and Ms. Blagdanorova Hammerman.

Mom, Blagdanorova, take it away.

Thanks, kids.

As you all can imagine,

these two have given me a lot to think about lately.

I was scared on the Upper East Side that I'd be raising the Bling Ring,

but I found out I got a couple tiny Bonos on my hands.

Now there's three too many.

Kidding, I kid.

As my wonderful kids have shown,

we need to lead by example.

Yes, I've influenced people to buy B The Method workouts

and Drunk Elephant, but now I want to use my influencing for good.

For charity.

Tonight, Dzanielle and I,

we are going to announce new non-profit.

Y-IMBY.

- YIMBY. - YIMBY.

Yes In My Backyard.

Gary, please come up.

Gary inspired our new non-profit. Take it away, Gar.

Thank you, ladies.

Hi there, attractive rich people.

And the unattractive ones.

I've been unhoused for about two years,

which fucking sucks.

I'm sorry, I just...

No, actually, I'm not sorry.

It does. It sucks a duffle full of dicks.

So a few months ago...

Oh, fuck.

I am sitting on the street,

and I have a tremendous sharp pain,

uh, not in my asshole, but around the asshole.

Hemorrhoids are the wrong word.

Wonderful. Wonderful.

Um... so, uh...

Okay.

The problem was in my backyard, you see.

And the problem's in all our backyards.

So inspiring, Gary.

Thank you for sharing.

That's a lot to think about.

YIMBY will make the billionaire real estate tax a reality.

Yes In My Backyard's goal

is to take the current 1.5% mansion tax,

give it a spank, and with your help,

grow it into a flip tax of up to 10%.

So if you buy a 75-million-dollar apartment,

you have to give 7.5 million dollars towards housing the unhoused.

This billionaire real estate tax will change the city.

And we know how much everybody spend

for dog walk and fecal report,

so we know this doable!

So I'm thrilled to announce

that we're not just gonna wait for public policy.

We're starting right now.

I am putting my money where my Rejuvedermed mouth is.

Jord and I...

have just bought an apartment in our building for you, Gary,

as the inaugural YIMBY residence.

This great. This great. You clap. You clap. Yes.

Give hug.

Come here, Gary.

Yes In My Backyard.

- Please don't do this... - Gary, Gary.

Yes In My Backyard.

- All right. - Yes In My Backyard.

Oh, Morty.

And I hope all of you will join us.

- Girls, sorry... - Oh, mazel tov.

...it took me so long to get over here.

Oh, it was beautiful.

Drop dead.

McKinley!

- Oh, hi, doll. - You look amazing.

Oh, you do, you're all so gorgeous.

I don't think we've met.

Liz Hittler. Two Ts, no relation.

Gary Pootin. Two Os no U.

- Come on. - Yeah!

Is this seat taken?

It is now.

I have an apartment uptown if you...

- Oh, yeah? - ...need a place to stay.

I could stay at an apartment anywhere.

I mean, any apartment would be fine for me.

And, uh, that circular motion you're making with your thumb, it, um...

- Let's go now. - Oh.

Okay.

You know...

I don't know if I've ever seen this many people,

at this many income levels, having this much fun

all at the same time.

You really put it together.

Well, the kids did it, Jord.

God, where did they come from, anyway?

From you.

You know... somewhere along the way,

you may have forgotten that you have a huge heart, but I never did.

Jord, I'm pretty sure you had something to do with it too.

I missed you.

I never stopped loving you.

You're my person. The one I always wanna call.

I promise you that I will never get whacked

by anyone else for the rest of my life.

I love you.

Will you please give me another chance.

Of course, I will. I love you.

- You will? - Of course!

Oh, thank goodness.

Thank goodness.

No, seriously. Thank goodness.

Because otherwise, I don't know what I would have done with this.

Jord!

Will you please do me the honor

of being my ex ex-wife?

Fuck yes!

She said fuck yes, kids!

Kids!

This so beautiful.

- You're not a kid. - Real happy ending.

- Hello. - Hi, tiger.

So, um, I was just thinking

about your...

procedure.

The re-virginization?

Mm-hm.

My doctor said it's gonna feel like the first time.

So you have to go really slow.

Huh...

I'll try.

Wait, wait, wait.

Shouldn't we...

save this for the wedding night?

Mm...

Fuck it.

I can't wait for our marriage ceremony.

Except this time, instead of walking down the aisle...

- Mm-hmm? - I'm gonna run.

Come here.

Wait.

Oh, my God, that's... tiny.

♪ Ooh, baby ♪

♪ You know I'll always be a freak ♪

♪ It's just the language that I speak ♪

♪ Don't want the things you seek ♪

♪ I'll always be your freak ♪

♪ Ooh, baby ♪

♪ You know I'll always be a freak ♪

♪ It's just the language that I speak ♪

♪ Don't want the things you seek ♪

♪ I'll always be your freak ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, baby ♪

♪ You know I'll always be a freak ♪

♪ It's just the language that I speak ♪

♪ Don't want the things you seek ♪

♪ I'll always be your freak ♪