Original subtitles

[SILENCE]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[SCREAMING] [SCREAMING CONTINUES]

[SCREAMING]

[EVIL LAUGHTER] NICE TITS, BITCH.

[SCREAMING]

COME RUN WITH ME TO THE END OF THE WORLD

COME RUN WITH ME

I KNOW YOU'RE GONNA SAVE ME

SHE HAS A... Billy: YAH!

THANKSGIVING BREAK!

YES! YES! Johnny: DAMN, BILLY, COVER

THOSE PUPPIES UP.

NOBODY WANTS TO SEE YOUR NASTY TITTIES.

Billy: SHH, I'M TRYING TO GET

ALI TO SHOW HER BIG OL' TIGGOS. Johnny: OH, ALL RIGHT.

Ali: YEAH! SPRING BREAK,

GUYS! LET'S GET WASTED.

Kristen: PULL YOUR SHIRT

DOWN, HONEY. IT'S THANKSGIVING, NOT

TITS-GIVING.

Ali: WHAT? I THOUGHT JOHNNY WOULD BE

THANKFUL FOR MY GLORIOUS

BOOBIES. I KNOW I AM.

YOU KNOW YOU LIKE THEM.

TO THE END OF THE WORLD COME RUN WITH ME

Darren: BILLY! HEY, GUYS!

HEY! Johnny: YO, WHAT'S THE DEAL

WITH HIM, ANYWAY?

Billy: OH, IT'S COOL, MAN. HE'S WITH ME.

A LITTLE WEIRD, BUT YOU GET USED

TO IT. Johnny: COOL.

Ali: HEY, JOHNNY, WE'RE GONNA

WAIT FOR YOU IN THE CAR, OKAY? Johnny: ALL RIGHT, SWEETIE,

WE'LL SEE YOU IN A BIT.

Ali: YEAH, GUYS, WE'LL SEE YOU THERE.

Billy: WHAT'S UP, DARREN?

Darren: HOW'S IT GOING, BILLY?

Johnny: YO, WHAT'S UP, MAN?

MY NAME IS JOHNNY. Darren: HEY, JOHNNY.

YEAH, I KNOW YOU.

YOU'RE THE BACKUP QUARTERBACK FOR THE TRITONS, AREN'T YOU?

Johnny: THAT'S JUST BECAUSE I

BROKE MY LEG LAST SEASON. YOU KNOW TRENT?

THE FIRST-STRING QUARTERBACK?

Darren: OH, OH, YEAH, NO, YOU'RE BETTER THAN HIM.

HE'S GOT NOTHING ON YOU, MAN.

Johnny: HE'S GOT NOTHING. Darren: NO! NOTHING.

SOMETHING DIFFERENT IN

THESE BLUE EYES LIKE THEY WERE MADE FOR ME

Johnny: TRENT IS TRENT.

BUT JOHNNY, HE'S JOHNNY. YO, BILLY.

Darren: WHOA.

Johnny: HERE, CHECK THIS OUT. WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION.

GO AHEAD, TOUCH IT.

NICE, RIGHT? Darren: YEAH, WOW, THAT'S

HUGE.

Billy: HEY, DARREN. I GOT A MUSCLE YOU CAN TOUCH.

[LAUGHTER]

COME RUN WITH ME I KNOW YOU'RE GONNA SAVE ME

I KNOW YOU'RE GONNA SAVE ME

I KNOW YOU'RE GONNA SAVE ME I KNOW YOU'RE GONNA SAVE ME

Billy: YEAH! THANKSGIVING BREAK! WHOO-HOO!

[CAT YOWLS] Oscar: DON'T GO RUNNING TOO

FAR OFF, FLASHY.

DINNER WILL BE DONE SOON. HE'S JUST A DOG, OSCAR.

AND I'M JUST A LONELY OLD HAG.

[ZIPPING] [ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

Johnny: JESUS, MAN, YOU REEK.

GOD.

Darren: SO, GUYS, I WAS THINKING, YOU KNOW, SINCE IT'S

THANKSGIVING AND ALL, THAT WE

SHOULD GO AROUND AND SAY WHAT WE'RE THANKFUL FOR.

Billy: I'M THANKFUL THAT YOUR

MOM HAS THE JUICIEST POON IN TOWN.

Johnny: OH, NICE!

BURN, BABY, GOOD ONE. YEAH.

Billy: YEAH.

Ali: WHAT'S POON? Kristen: YOU GUYS ARE SO

RUDE.

DARREN, I'M THANKFUL TO BE SPENDING TIME WITH ALL OF YOU

GUYS.

AND I'M GLAD WE'RE ALL IN GOOD HEALTH.

Billy: GAY.

Johnny: NO. NOT GAY AT ALL, BILLY.

ACTUALLY, I THINK SPENDING TIME

WITH YOUR FAMILY IS ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS IN LIFE.

RIGHT, KRISTEN?

I JUST WISH ME AND MY OLD MAN HAD A LITTLE MORE TIME TO BOND.

HE WAS THE ONE WHO TAUGHT ME HOW

TO THROW THE PIGSKIN AROUND ALL THOSE YEARS AGO.

UNFORTUNATELY, WE HAVEN'T BEEN

GETTING ALONG LATELY. Kristen: BILLY, WHAT ARE YOU

THANKFUL FOR?

Billy: WELL, I GUESS SINCE MY PAPA DIED LAST YEAR, I GUESS I'M

JUST GRATEFUL THAT I STILL GOT

MY LITTLE MAMA. I'M GOING TO SHOW HER A GOOD

TIME THIS THANKSGIVING.

Kristen: AW, BILLY, THAT IS SO SWEET.

Darren: HEY. HEY.

I'M GONNA GO WILD... I'M GONNA GO BUCK WILD ON THIS

TRIP.

I'M GONNA GO SKINNY DIPPING WITHOUT ANY CLOTHES ON.

I'M GONNA GHOST RIDE THE WHIP,

MAN. WHOO!

I'M GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH

SOMEONE IN THIS CAR. YEAH, AND FOR ONCE, YOU KNOW,

IT'S NOT GONNA BE JUST ME BY

MYSELF. I'M GONNA BE THE ONE DOING THE

SEXING.

YEAH, TO ONE OF YOU. Ali: WELL, IT ISN'T GONNA BE

ME.

I'M A PRUDE. Johnny: [SNICKERING]

Ali: WHAT?

Kristen: NOTHING. Johnny: YEAH, NOTHING.

Darren: NOTHING AT ALL, ALI.

Billy: ALI... YOU'RE KIND OF A HO.

I'M NOT GONNA LIE -- YOU'RE

PRETTY SKANKY. Ali: I AM NOT A HO.

THERE IS ONLY ONE MAN IN MY

LIFE. RIGHT, JOHNNY?

Kristen: OH, PLEASE, ALI,

YOUR LEGS ARE HARDER TO SHUT THAN THE JONBENET RAMSEY CASE.

Billy: OH, SNAP! BURN.

Johnny: THAT'S GOOD.

Oscar: FLASHY! DINNER'S DONE, BOY.

FLASHY, WHERE ARE YOU?

FLASHY? [RUMBLING]

WHERE ARE YOU, BOY?

[GOBBLING] OH, FUCK, I'M PISSED.

[DOG YELPING]

Roud: THANK YOU, BABY. [SPITTING]

GOD DAMN, SHERYL, THAT COFFEE

TASTES LIKE SHIT. WHAT DID YOU DO?

TAKE A DUMP IN IT?

HA. AS A MATTER OF FACT, I SURE DID.

I WANT A FUCKING DIVORCE.

Roud: ALL RIGHT, THEN. [TELEPHONE RINGS]

SHERIFF ROUD HERE.

Kristen: HEY, DADDY, HOW ARE YOU?

Roud: HI, BABY.

ARE YOU ON YOUR WAY YET? Kristen: YEP, WE'VE BEEN ON

THE ROAD FOR ABOUT...

Johnny: KRISTEN, TOSS ME A BEER.

Roud: HEY, WHAT DID HE SAY?

DID HE JUST SAY TOSS? Kristen: UH, NO, DAD...

Roud: TOSSING IS ILLEGAL.

YOU CAN'T DO NO TOSSING IN A CAR, GIRL, DO YOU UNDERSTAND

THAT?

Kristen: I KNOW, DADDY. ANYWAY, I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU

KNOW I'LL BE HOME IN A COUPLE OF

HOURS. Roud: ALL RIGHT, SWEETHEART.

HEY, BY THE WAY, ARE YOU GOING

TO BE ABLE TO GO WITH ME TO THE ANNUAL POLICEMAN'S THANKSGIVING

BALL TONIGHT?

Kristen: UH, SURE, YEAH. Roud: GREAT.

OH, BY THE WAY, YOUR STEPMAMA

LEFT ME. LOVE YOU, BYE.

[HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING]

Johnny: WHAT THE HELL? AW, DAMN IT.

I'M GONNA HAVE TO PULL OVER,

GUYS. Darren: WHOA, BILLY.

Billy: ARGH!

Darren: BILLY! GOD, DUDE. DAMN IT.

Johnny: GOD DAMN!

Kristen: HOW BAD IS IT? Johnny: I DON'T KNOW.

LOOKS LIKE WE DEFINITELY

OVERHEATED. Ali: OH, I KNOW!

MAYBE IT'S A FLAT TIRE, JOHNNY.

Johnny: YEAH, MAYBE, ALI. Billy: HEY, WE GOT TENTS AND

BEER.

LET'S PARTY HERE TONIGHT. Darren: YEAH, THAT SOUNDS

AWESOME!

Ali: YEAH, MAYBE IF YOU GET DRUNK ENOUGH, JOHNNY, YOU CAN

LOOK UNDER MY HOOD.

Johnny: WELL, THE CAR DOES NEED TO COOL OFF.

LET'S DO IT.

All: YEAH! Darren: RIGHT HERE!

Ali: CAMPING.

LET'S GO GET DRUNK. Darren: YEAH! DRUNK!

WHO WANTS TO GET LAID?

WHERE'S MY... THIS IS MINE.

PARTY, WE'RE GOING TO PARTY ALL

NIGHT. WE'RE GONNA GET SO DRUNK AND

WASTED.

I'M SO EXCITED! I'M SO EXCITED! Billy: FUCKING FAGGOT.

Darren: OUCH!

CRAWBERG. WHERE HAVE I HEARD THAT NAME

BEFORE?

GUYS, GUYS! GUYS, GUYS, WAIT UP.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT...

Billy: WHOA THERE, JUNIOR. Darren: THERE'S A SIGN BACK

THERE THAT SAID CRAWBERG ON IT.

Ali: SO WHAT, DARREN? LIKE, WHAT'S YOUR POINT?

Darren: YOU, YOU'RE TRYING TO

TELL ME THAT YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT CRAWBERG IS?

OKAY, GUYS, IT'S TIME FOR ME TO

FILL YOU IN ON ONE OF THE MOST NOTORIOUS MOMENTS IN PILGRIM

HISTORY.

BACK IN THE 1500s, IN THE SETTLEMENT OF CRAWBERG, AN OLD

INDIAN BY THE NAME OF

FEATHER CLOUD, WHO SOME PEOPLE THOUGHT HAD BLACK MAGIC POWERS,

WAS DISHONORED BY A PILGRIM.

Ali: OH, MY EX-BOYFRIEND WAS A PILGRIM.

Darren: THE PILGRIM'S NAME

WAS CHUCK LANGSTON. Billy: WELL, THAT'S MY LAST

NAME.

Darren: I KNOW, BILLY. I'VE NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT IT

BEFORE, BUT HE'S PROBABLY ONE OF

YOUR ANCESTORS. WELL, ANYWAYS.

THE OLD INDIAN WAS SO OUTRAGED,

HE VOWED HE WOULD CURSE ALL WHITE MEN.

THIS WAS NO ORDINARY CURSE,

HOWEVER. FEATHER CLOUD NECROMANCED A...

TURKEY THAT WOULD ROAM THE EARTH

EVERY 505 YEARS, KILLING THE FIRST HUMANS HE MADE CONTACT

WITH.

HE WAS MORE EVIL THAN ANYTHING YOU'VE EVER SEEN BEFORE -- A

TURKEY THAT WOULD STOP AT

NOTHING TO GET WHAT HE WANTED -- TO KILL.

Billy: ARE YOU SHITTING ME?

A KILLER TURKEY? Johnny: BULLSHIT, DARREN.

YOU'RE STARTING TO SCARE KRISTEN

NOW. Kristen: I'M NOT SCARED.

Ali: I'M SCARED.

Darren: WELL, IT'S KIND OF A LEGEND, GUYS.

THERE ARE TONS OF BOOKS WRITTEN

ABOUT IT. IT'S A PRETTY FAMOUS STORY.

TURKEYOLOGISTS ALL OVER THE

WORLD... Johnny: OH, BROTHER.

Darren: ...KNOW IT AS

THANKSKILLING. Johnny: LET ME GUESS, IT'S

BEEN 505 YEARS LATER, RIGHT?

Darren: NO. IT WILL BE IN 45 MINUTES.

Ali: COME ON, I MEAN, IT'S

TOTALLY IMPOSSIBLE FOR A TURKEY TO KILL A HUMAN...

RIGHT?

Johnny: YEAH, YEAH IT IS. Darren: [CHUCKLES]

OH, THERE ARE WAYS.

I GUESS WE'LL JUST HAVE TO WAIT AND FIND OUT.

Johnny: DAMN IT, YOU LITTLE

WEASEL. I TOLD YOU, THIS IS NOT COOL FOR

YOU TO SCARE US LIKE THIS.

I MEAN THERE ARE GIRLS HERE. Billy: THERE SURE ARE.

Darren: I'M GETTING WASTED.

BECAUSE KRISTEN TOLD ME THAT I COULD HAVE A GOOD TIME.

Billy: NO, YOU'RE NOT.

DID YOU PAY FOR THAT BEER? I DON'T THINK SO.

Kristen: WELL, UH, SINCE

THERE ARE ONLY SO MANY TENTS, DO YOU WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH

ME, JOHNNY?

Johnny: GEE, KRISTEN, I'D LOVE TO.

I MEAN, I COULD PROTECT YOU,

JUST IN CASE YOU GOT SCARED OR SOMETHING.

Ali: I HAVE A FREE SPOT IN MY

TENT, TOO, JOHNNY.

Oscar: FLASHY? [DOG YELPING]

FLASHY?

FLASHY! YOUR DOG HAD AN ACCIDENT.

Oscar: WHAT THE HELL?

WHAT KIND OF ACCIDENT? WELL, I TOOK THIS HERE AX

AND I AX-IDENTALLY CUT HIM.

GET IT? AX-IDENT. [LAUGHS]

Oscar: DIE, TURKEY, YOU

DEMON! SO LONG, SUCKER.

Oscar: I WILL GET YOU,

TURKEY! I WILL GET YOU IF IT'S THE LAST

THING I EVER DO, YOU SON OF A

BITCH! WHY, WHY?!

FIRST MY WIFE, NOW YOU, FLASHY!

DAMN YOU, TURKEY, DAMN YOU!! Ali: [YAWNS]

IT'S GETTING LATE.

Kristen: THIS WAS FUN, GUYS, BUT I THINK IT'S TIME TO HIT THE

SACK.

Billy: THEN GO TO BED AFTER THAT.

RIGHT, GUYS?

Darren: YEAH! I GOT IT, BILLY.

THAT WAS A GOOD ONE.

Kristen: SHIT! I FORGOT TO CALL MY DAD.

SHIT, SHIT, SHIT.

HE'S PROBABLY WORRIED SICK. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK, I DON'T HAVE

SERVICE RIGHT HERE.

Johnny: BE CAREFUL. Billy: YEAH, AND DON'T WANDER

OFF TOO FAR.

THERE MIGHT BE AN EVIL TURKEY ON THE LOOSE.

Roud: WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN, KRISTEN?

I'VE BEEN WAITING AROUND TWO

HOURS! Kristen: SORRY, DADDY, OUR

CAR BROKE DOWN AND WE DECIDED TO

CAMP OUT FOR THE NIGHT. I'LL BE BACK ON THE ROAD FIRST

THING TOMORROW THOUGH, AND I'M

TOTALLY FINE, SO DON'T WORRY. Roud: PROMISE, PUNKIN?

PUNKIN?

Kristen: YES, YES, I PROMISE, DADDY.

I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW.

WE'LL GO TO THAT BANQUET TOGETHER.

Roud: BE CAREFUL.

Kristen: LOVE YOU, BYE. Roud: LOVE YOU, BYE.

Kristen: OKAY, GIRL, GET A

GRIP. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS AN

EVIL TURKEY.

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS AN EVIL TURKEY.

THERE'S...

NO SUCH THING AS AN EVIL TURKEY.

OH, WAIT, I LIED.

Kristen: [SCREAMING] SHUT THE FUCK UP!

YOU STUPID BITCH!

I'M GONNA DRINK YOUR BLOOD LIKE CRANBERRY SAUCE, MEANIE.

Johnny: JESUS, KRISTEN, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?!

Kristen: YOU WERE RIGHT,

DARREN! YOUR STORY WAS TRUE.

THERE

THERE IS AN EVIL TURKEY ON THE

LOOSE!

Billy: [LAUGHS] Ali: WOW, KRISTEN.

YOU'RE, LIKE, ALMOST AS DUMB AS

I AM. Darren: YEAH, IT WAS JUST A

STORY, KRISTEN.

I DOUBT IT'S EVEN TRUE. Johnny: SHUT UP, YOU GUYS!

I THINK SHE MIGHT BE SERIOUS.

Billy: [LAUGHING] Darren: [LAUGHING]

Johnny: WHERE'S THE TURKEY?

Kristen: I DON'T KNOW. HE WAS RIGHT BEHIND ME.

HE WAS CHASING ME.

I DON'T KNOW WHERE HE WENT. Johnny: WELL, I DON'T SEE

ANYTHING.

LET'S JUST GO TO BED. EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE OKAY.

Kristen: YOU DON'T BELIEVE

ME, DO YOU? Johnny: I DO BELIEVE YOU.

Kristen: LOOK ME IN THE EYES.

DO YOU BELIEVE ME? Johnny: I...

Kristen: OUT OF EVERYBODY

HERE, I THOUGHT YOU WOULD BELIEVE ME!

SCREW YOU, JOHNNY!

Billy: [LAUGHING]

Ali: YOU CAN SCREW ME, JOHNNY.

EEEEE!

Darren: WHOA! Ali: OH, LOOK, IT'S A BABY

BUNNY.

DO YOU THINK HE'S OKAY? I MEAN, HE LOOKS KIND OF FUNNY,

DOESN'T HE?

Darren: YEAH! THAT'S BECAUSE HIS STOMACH GOT

GNAWED OPEN.

LOOK AT ALL OF HIS GUTS HANGING OUT.

THIS LITTLE BABY BUNNY GOT ITS

STOMACH GNAWED OPEN BY A BEAK. NOT JUST ANY BEAK...

A TURKEY BEAK.

Billy: FUCKBALLS! MAYBE KRISTEN WAS RIGHT.

Johnny: LOOK, GUYS.

JUST CALM THE "F" DOWN. JESUS, WE'RE IN THE WOODS.

THIS TYPE OF SHIT HAPPENS ALL

THE TIME. LET'S JUST GO TO BED.

Billy: YEAH, DEMONIC TURKEYS.

GUTTED ANIMALS. YEAH, LET'S SLEEP ON IT.

GREAT IDEA.

Darren: WELL, I'M TIRED. I'M PRETTY WASTED ANYWAY, SO,

UH, GOODNIGHT, ALL.

Billy: SO, LOOKS LIKE IT'S JUST THE TWO OF US.

Ali: DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT

IT, BILLY. YOU CAN FEEL UP YOUR OWN BOOBS

TONIGHT.

Billy: WELL, WHAT ABOUT TOMORROW?

Ali: I'LL THINK ABOUT IT.

GOOD NIGHT.

Billy: WHO THE HELL ARE YOU? Oscar: YOU CAN JUST CALL ME

YOUR GUARDIAN ANGEL, KID.

THAT DAMN TURKEY COME ALONG LAST NIGHT AND WAS READY TO PECK YOUR

HEART OUT.

Oscar: YOU'RE CRAZY! Oscar: AM I?

THEN WHAT'S THEM TURKEY

DROPPINGS DOING ON YOUR CHEST, SON?

Billy: OH, GROSS.

OH, GOD. Oscar: SEE, I TOLD YOU.

THAT GODDAMN TURKEY WAS OUT HERE

LAST NIGHT, KILLED MY PRECIOUS DOG, FLASHY.

I THINK HE'S OUT TO GET ALL OF

US. Johnny: WHO THE HELL IS THIS

CREEPSTER?

BUZZ OFF, OLD MAN. Oscar: TRUST ME, KID.

LEAVE THIS CURSED PLACE NOW.

I'LL TAKE CARE OF THAT GODDAMN TURKEY.

[CHUCKLES]

Johnny: YOU ALL RIGHT? Billy: YEAH, I'M FINE.

CAN WE JUST GET THE GIRLS UP AND

GET GOING? THIS PLACE IS GIVING ME THE

HEEBIE-JEEBIES.

Johnny: YEAH, THAT'S GOOD. LOOK WHO'S SCARED NOW.

Darren: [LAUGHS]

[ENGINE TURNS OVER] Johnny: BILLY! HURRY UP!

SO, WHAT DID THAT OLD FART HAVE TO SAY TO YOU ANYWAY, BILLY?

Billy: OH, NOTHING.

Johnny: RIGHT. WAS IT ABOUT A CERTAIN KILLER

TURKEY?

Billy: NO. OKAY, YEAH.

SO I BELIEVE WHAT KRISTEN SAID.

BIG FUCKING DEAL. CAN WE JUST SHUT UP ABOUT IT?

Johnny: OH, MY.

WAIT, WAIT, SO YOU ACTUALLY BELIEVE THAT THERE IS A REAL

KILLER TURKEY ON THE LOOSE?

WHAT A LOSER, GOD! Billy: WELL, I KNOW IT SOUNDS

CRAZY, BUT, YEAH.

I WOKE UP WITH TURKEY DEUCE ALL OVER ME.

I THINK HE WAS TRYING TO KILL

ME, BUT THAT OLD HERMIT SAVED ME.

Ali: YOU'RE A FREAK, BILLY.

A FREAK! BUT I BELIEVE YOUR STORY.

Kristen: I'M NOT GONNA SAY

ANYTHING. Darren: WOW.

I DIDN'T THINK THAT MY STORY

WOULD HAVE THIS MUCH OF AN EFFECT ON YOU GUYS.

I MEAN, YOU'RE THE COOL KIDS,

RIGHT? Johnny: WHATEVER.

CAN WE JUST GO BACK, ENJOY OUR

FAMILIES AND HAVE A NICE THANKSGIVING BREAK?

CAN WE JUST DO THAT? OKAY?

Billy: SURE, SURE. Johnny: GOOD.

GOD.

YOU GUYS AND YOUR DAMN TURKEY STORIES.

Kristen: JOHNNY, I'M SORRY

ABOUT THE THINGS I SAID LAST NIGHT.

I GUESS I WAS JUST A LITTLE

BEAKED OUT -- I MEAN, FREAKED OUT, YOU KNOW?

Johnny: NO NEED TO APOLOGIZE,

GORGEOUS.

YOUNG JOHNNY STEELE HAS AN OLDSMOBILE

HE LOVES HIS DEAR LITTLE

GIRL SHE IS THE QUEEN OF HIS GAS

MACHINE

SHE HAS HIS HEART IN A WHIRL NOW WHEN THEY GO FOR A...

ASS, GAS, OR GRASS?

WELL, I'M OUT OF GAS. GUESS I'LL TAKE ASS.

MM-HMM.

NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL A TIGHT ASS.

YEAH.

NO. IT'S NOT FOR YOU. OR ANYONE ELSE, FOR THAT MATTER.

PLEASE MISTER, PLEASE.

I HAVE A DAUGHTER. CALL HER.

OKAY.

TO THE CHURCH, WE'LL SWIFTLY STEAL

THEN OUR WEDDING BELLS WILL

PEAL HI, HONEY.

IT'S DADDY.

HA! YEAH, SWEETIE, I'LL BE HOME

REAL SOON.

SWEETIE, PLEASE GIVE MOMMY A KISS AND TELL HER THAT --

THEY LOVE TO SPARK IN THE

DARK OLD PARK AS THEY GO FLYING ALONG

[LAUGHS]

Ali: THANKS FOR DRIVING ME, JOHNNY.

I REALLY APPRECIATE IT.

YOU SHOULD TOTALLY CALL ME UP SOMETIME.

I'D LOVE TO HANG OUT WITH YOU.

Billy: [LAUGHS] LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE IS TRYING TO

GET WITH YOU, JOHNNY.

Kristen: HAVEN'T YOU NOTICED? SHE TRIES THAT WITH EVERYONE.

IT'S LIKE HER LEGS ARE HARDER TO

SHUT THAN THE JONBENET RAMSEY CASE.

Johnny: OH, SHIT! DANG!

Billy: DAMN, THAT WAS GOOD. Ali: BYE, GUYS.

Billy: SHIT, THAT WAS GOOD!

Johnny: YEAH IT WAS, MAN. THAT WAS A GOOD ONE.

OH, GOD.

Billy: OH, FUCK. [LAUGHTER]

Johnny: [SIGHS] OH, JOHNNY.

I WAS WORRIED SICK!

Johnny: MOM, MOM, I'M FINE.

I'M OKAY. I'M HERE NOW.

THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS. NOW, COME ON.

LET'S GO SAY HI TO YOUR FATHER.

Johnny: MA, YOU KNOW ME AND PAPA DON'T TALK ANYMORE.

EVER SINCE I GOT PUT AS

SECOND-STRING QUARTERBACK, HE HASN'T EVEN WANTED TO TALK TO

ME.

JOHNNY, THAT WAS TWO WHOLE WEEKS AGO.

I'M SURE HE'S OVER IT.

Johnny: IF YOU SAY SO, MA. IF YOU SAY SO.

HEY, POPS.

HEY. LONG TIME NO SEE. HOW ARE YOU?

Johnny: I'M GOOD.

UM, YOURSELF? [FARTING]

PLEASE, BILL, HE'S OUR SON. Johnny: I'M GONNA JUST LIE

TO HIM.

NO, JOHNNY, NO. PLEASE.

Johnny: POPS, I HAVE SOME GREAT NEWS.

YEAH?

Johnny: I-I DID IT. I'M THE STARTING QUARTERBACK FOR

THE TRITONS.

YOU ARE? Johnny: YEAH.

GOOD GOING, SON.

I KNEW YOU COULD DO IT. I KNEW YOU HAD IT IN YOU.

JUST LIKE YOUR OLD POPS.

Johnny: I DID, TOO. I LOVE YOU, DAD.

YOU'RE THE BEST SON ANYONE

COULD ASK FOR. ENOUGH OF THIS BONDING CRAP!

Johnny: DAD!

DAD! GO DEEP, JOHNNY.

[LAUGHS]

WHY, GOD, WHY? NO MORE PUMPKIN PIE.

NO MORE CRANBERRY SAUCE.

JUST TURKEY. FUCKING TURKEY.

I'M GONNA KILL THAT SON OF A

BITCH. HE IS FUCKING DEAD!

Ali: COME ON, BABY.

LET'S DO IT RIGHT HERE. ARE YOU SURE?

YOUR PARENTS ARE RIGHT IN THERE.

Ali: IT'S OKAY, THEY'RE COOL WITH IT.

Billy: AND WHY ARE WE ALL AT

MY HOUSE AGAIN? Johnny: WELL, GUYS...

I THINK YOU DESERVE TO KNOW.

THAT TURKEY... HE...

HE'S REAL.

HE KILLED MY PARENTS.

MMM, MMM. PINK PUMPKIN PIE.

[SLURPS]

Johnny: WHERE'S ALI? I CALLED HER AND LEFT A MESSAGE.

WE NEED TO WARN HER ABOUT THAT

TURKEY. [CELLPHONE RINGS]

YEAH. Ali: [MOANING]

GOD DAMN IT, GRANT.

YOU REALLY DON'T LAST THAT LONG, DO YOU?

OH, YEAH.

YEAH, YEAH! Ali: GRANT?

YOU SOUND KIND OF FUNNY.

YOU OKAY? I'M GONNA FUCK THE SHIT OUT

OF YOU!

[MOANING] OHH!

DAMN, THAT WAS GOOD.

YOU JUST GOT STUFFED! Ali: [SCREAMING]

[LAUGHS]

Johnny: WAIT HERE, GUYS. I'LL GO GET HER.

Billy: DO YOU THINK WE MADE IT IN TIME?

Kristen: DON'T EVEN TALK LIKE

THAT, BILLY. Darren: AT LEAST HER LEGS

WERE HARDER TO CLOSE THAN

JONBENET RAMSEY'S LEGS.

Billy: IS SHE? IS SHE? Johnny: YES, GUYS, SHE'S

DEAD.

I FOUND THIS IN THERE, TOO. AND THIS.

AN EXTRA SMALL GRAVY-FLAVORED

CONDOM. Billy: SON OF A BITCH.

SHE WAS FINALLY WARMING UP TO

ME, TOO. WE'VE GOT TO FIND A WAY TO KILL

THAT COCK-BLOCKING TURKEY.

Darren: WHAT? NO! I DON'T KNOW HOW TO KILL THIS

TURKEY.

I MEAN, HELL, HE'S SURVIVED EVERYTHING THAT WE'VE THROWN AT

HIM.

Johnny: NO! WE HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING TO STOP

HIM YET.

Darren: OH, YEAH. WELL, THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO

KILL HIM.

REMEMBER ALL OF THOSE BOOKS THAT I WAS TELLING YOU THAT WERE

WRITTEN ABOUT ABOUT THIS TURKEY?

Billy: YEAH, SO? Darren: WELL, FUCK, BILLY, WE

GO TO THE LIBRARY.

Johnny: NO, THAT'S NOT GONNA WORK.

ALL THE LIBRARIES ARE CLOSED AT

THIS TIME OF NIGHT. Kristen: HEY, GUYS, I JUST

THOUGHT OF SOMETHING.

MY DAD HAS A HUGE COLLECTION OF BOOKS.

I'M SURE HE HAS SOMETHING ON

KILLER TURKEYS. Darren: THAT COULD WORK.

Johnny: YEAH, TRUE.

LET'S DO IT, GUYS. LET'S GO GET THAT SON OF A

BITCH.

Roud: HEY. BILLS.

BILLS.

BILLS. HEY.

HEY. HEY!

I GOT TO GET DRESSED!

[DOORBELL RINGS] HELLO THERE.

HELLO? THOSE DARN KIDS.

[CLEARS THROAT] DOWN HERE.

Roud: OH, WELL, HELLO THERE,

LITTLE BUDDY. WHAT CAN I DO YOU FOR?

YEAH.

UM, I'M LOOKING FOR KELSEY. Roud: YOU MEAN KRISTEN?

ARE YOU A FRIEND OF HERS?

YEAH. Roud: WELL I'D NEVER KNOWN

THAT SHE HAD A MIDGET FOR A

BUDDY. YOU WANT TO COME IN AND WAIT ON

HER?

[YAWNS] [SNEEZES]

Roud: BLESS YOU.

ALLERGY SEASON, YOU KNOW? FUCKING WEATHER.

BUT IT WAS NICE TODAY, HUH?

Roud: DID YOU JUST SAY "FUCKING"?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN THAT MIDGETS CAN'T CUSS?

Roud: I WASN'T WORRIED ABOUT

THE SIZE OF THE "FUCK," I WAS WORRIED ABOUT THE AGE OF THE

"FUCK."

HOW OLD ARE YOU? 510 YEARS OLD.

Roud: FUCK IT THEN, I GUESS

YOU CAN SAY IT. HAZELNUT?

Roud: YEP.

WELL, I'M NOT GONNA LIE. THIS IS PRETTY DAMN AWKWARD,

SHERIFF.

I'M GOING TO TAKE OFF NOW. SAY HELLO TO KRISTEN FOR ME,

OKAY?

Roud: OH, NO PROBLEM. I AM A BIG PROPONENT OF YOU

LITTLE GUYS.

I THINK Y'ALL BEEN TREATED WRONG.

ONE MORE WORD AND I SWEAR TO

GOD! Roud: WHAT DID YOU SAY?

NOTHING. NOTHING AT ALL.

HAVE A GOOD NIGHT, SHERIFF. Roud: ALL RIGHT, PAL.

YOU TAKE CARE.

MAN, WHAT AN ODD LITTLE DUCK. ALL RIGHT, THAT DOES IT.

Roud: [SCREAMING]

Kristen: I HOPE WE GET THERE BEFORE HE GETS TO MY DAD, TOO.

Johnny: WELL, MAYBE HE CAN

HELP US. I MEAN, HE IS A COP.

Kristen: OKAY, RIGHT THERE.

AND THERE -- THAT'S THE HOUSE. Johnny: YEAH, I KNOW, I

REMEMBER.

I DROPPED YOU OFF LAST NIGHT, KRISTEN.

Kristen: OH, RIGHT.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

OH, HELLO, SWEETIE. HOW ARE YOU?

Kristen: DADDY!

YOU LOOK DIFFERENT. OH.

Kristen: OH, YOU GOT A

HAIRCUT. YEAH!

AREN'T YOU GONNA INTRODUCE ME

TO YOUR FRIENDS? Kristen: OF COURSE.

THIS IS JOHNNY.

Johnny: HEY, HOW YOU DOING? Kristen: AND DARREN.

Darren: HAPPY THANKSGIVING,

SHERIFF. Kristen: AND BILLY.

Billy: HI.

HOW ARE YOU GUYS? Kristen: DAD, WE NEED TO USE

YOUR COLLECTION OF BOOKS.

WOULD YOU MIND SHOWING US TO THE GARAGE?

UM, OF COURSE, YEAH, NO

PROBLEM AT ALL. I MEAN...

WHERE IS IT AGAIN, HONEY?

Kristen: OH, DAD, YOU AND YOUR RAPIDLY FADING MEMORY.

Darren: EXCUSE ME, SIR. Kristen: WELL, GUYS, HERE IT

IS.

I'M SURE WE'LL BE ABLE TO FIND SOMETHING IN HERE.

WHAT IS IT THAT YOU KIDS ARE LOOKING FOR?

Darren: WELL, ACTUALLY,

SHERIFF, THERE'S THIS BOOK THAT --

Kristen: OH, NOTHING, DADDY.

I GOT POISON IVY YESTERDAY AND I'M LOOKING FOR A CURE.

OH, OKAY, GOOD LUCK NOW,

KIDS. Kristen: THANKS, DADDY.

I'D DIE IF WASN'T FOR YOU.

MORE LIKE YOU WILL DIE IF IT WAS FOR ME.

Kristen: WHAT WAS THAT,

DADDY? OH, NOTHING AT ALL.

Darren: SO, KRISTEN, TELL ME, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL YOUR FATHER

ABOUT THE KILLER TURKEY?

Kristen: MAYBE 'CAUSE HE'D NEVER BELIEVE US IN A MILLION

YEARS.

I WAS JUST TRYING TO AVOID A LONG CONVERSATION.

Darren: THAT'S RIGHT.

THAT MAKES SENSE. Johnny: ALL RIGHT, GUYS,

LET'S GET TO WORK.

Darren: GUYS, I FOUND IT. Billy: IT'S ABOUT TIME.

GOD, THAT TOOK FOREVER.

Kristen: THAT WAS FIVE MINUTES.

Darren: WHOA, GUYS.

LOOK -- RIGHT HERE, IT SAYS THE TURKEY CAN BE KILLED IF HE IS

REMOVED FROM HIS MAGICAL

TALISMAN. Johnny: I DON'T KNOW, GUYS.

I NEVER NOTICED ANY MAGICAL

TALISMAN. Kristen: HE PROBABLY KEEPS IT

HIDDEN UNDER HIS FEATHERS.

Darren: NO, KRISTEN, I THINK YOU'RE EXACTLY RIGHT.

LOOK -- THIS IS WHAT IT SAYS.

IF THE TALISMAN IS NOT IN PLAIN VIEW, THEN IT IS VERY PROBABLE

THAT THE TURKEY KEEPS IT IN HIS

PLUMAGE. Johnny: GREAT.

ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS CATCH HIM,

REMOVE HIS STUPID THINGIE, AND HE'S DEAD?

Kristen: I THINK WE STILL

HAVE TO KILL HIM. DARREN, DOES IT SAY IF THERE'S

SOME SPECIAL WAY TO THAT?

Darren: SEE, THAT'S THE PROBLEM.

THE REST OF THIS BOOK IS WRITTEN

IN CODE. IT'S A MATHEMATICAL CODE, SO I

THINK I CAN CRACK IT.

NO, I KNOW I CAN CRACK IT. Billy: GOD, I HATE BOOKS.

CAN'T IT JUST TELL US WHAT TO

DO? KRISTEN, DO YOU HAVE ANY SNACKS

OR ANYTHING?

I'M STARVING. I DON'T KNOW, BILLY.

HOW CAN YOU BE THINKING ABOUT

FOOD AT A TIME LIKE THIS? Billy: WELL, I'M HUNGRY.

Darren: BILLY, JUST GO

OUTSIDE OR SOMETHING. GO FIND SOMETHING TO EAT.

WE'LL FIGURE THIS OUT.

Johnny: YOU GOT IT YET? Darren: JUST...

[WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]

Johnny: HURRY UP. Darren: JOHNNY.

Billy: WHERE IS THE FUCKING KITCHEN?

I'M FUCKING STARVING.

I JUST WANT SOME FOOD.

OH, HEY, SHERIFF. WHAT YOU GOT THERE?

OH, JUST TIDYING UP.

NOTHING TO SEE HERE. Billy: IF THAT'S THE SHERIFF,

THEN YOU MUST BE TURKEY!

GUYS! COME ON, COME QUICK, THE

TURKEY'S HERE!

[LAUGHS] YOU KIDS ARE RETARDED.

Darren: LEAVE US ALONE!

WHY ARE YOU BOTHERING US?! Kristen: DADDY, NO!

SHUT UP, I DO THE TALKING,

FAGGOT. A LONG TIME AGO, ONE OF YOUR

ANCESTORS DISRESPECTED OUR

PEOPLE REALLY, REALLY BADLY. AND SO AS PAYBACK, I'M HERE TO

KILL ANY WHITE PERSON THAT

DISRESPECTS INDIANS OR OUR LAND. Johnny: BUT WE GAVE YOUR

PEOPLE LAND, AND WE LET YOU HAVE

CASINOS. DOESN'T THAT MAKE UP FOR WHAT

OUR ANCESTORS DID?

[LAUGHS] IT ALMOST DID, BUT IT DIDN'T.

PREPARE TO BE DEAD!

YOU FAT BASTARD! Billy: QUIT JUST STANDING

THERE, GUYS, GRAB HIS FUCKING

THINGIE! Johnny: GOT IT!

Kristen: NOW WHAT DO WE DO,

DARREN? Darren: I DON'T KNOW!

I HAVEN'T FIGURED OUT THE

EQUATION YET! [LAUGHS]

Kristen: GOD DAMN IT!

DOUCHE BAGS! Billy: ALL THAT WORK FOR

NOTHING?

YOU GUYS SUCK SOMETIMES. Kristen: IT WASN'T FOR

NOTHING, BILLY.

WE GOT THE TALISMAN. NOW WE CAN KILL HIM.

Billy: GOD, I'M SO TIRED OF

THIS STUPID TURKEY JUST PLAYING GAMES WITH US, LIKE WE'RE SOME

KIND OF PUPPETS.

WHATEVER, I'M OUT OF HERE. Darren: BE CAREFUL, BILLY,

YOU KNOW HE'S STILL OUT THERE.

Johnny: WELL... HE'S DEAD. Kristen: DON'T SAY STUPID

SHIT LIKE THAT.

NOW, DARREN, DO YOUR MAGIC. Darren: ALL RIGHT.

Johnny: I'M SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS, KRISTEN.

I'M SORRY THAT WE WERE EVEN

THROWN INTO THIS MESS. THINGS WILL NEVER BE THE SAME

AGAIN.

IT'S ALL MY FAULT. Kristen: IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

THERE ARE JUST SOME THINGS IN

LIFE WE CAN'T CONTROL. AND UNFORTUNATELY, THIS IS ISN'T

LIKE A FOOTBALL GAME WHERE WE

CAN JUST CALL AN AUDIBLE AT ANY TIME.

Johnny: YOU'RE RIGHT.

LIFE IS NOT LIKE A PLAYBOOK. I JUST GOT TO ROLL WITH IT.

LIFE MOVES ON.

Kristen: I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW, JOHNNY, THAT I REALLY

APPRECIATE EVERYTHING YOU'VE

DONE FOR US. YOU CAN BE MY QUARTERBACK ANY

DAY.

Johnny: OH, KRISTEN. Darren: HEY, GUYS -- WHOA.

HEY, GUYS, WHOA, UM, I CRACKED

THE CODE. I KNOW HOW TO KILL THE TURKEY

NOW.

Kristen: SO, WHAT DOES IT SAY? WELL, BASICALLY IT TELLS ME

EVERYTHING WE NEED TO KNOW TO

KILL HIM. AND I'M JUST FIGURING THAT'S WHY

THE CODE WAS SO HARD TO BREAK.

Johnny: OKAY, DARREN, YOU HAVEN'T TOLD US ANYTHING YET.

Darren: OH, RIGHT.

OKAY, SO, WE NEED TO BURN HIM AT THE STAKE, JUST LIKE A WITCH.

AND THEN WE NEED TO SAY A

DEMONIC PRAYER IN UNISON BACKWARDS.

JUST THE USUAL THING.

Johnny: DAMN! THIS SHIT IS NOT GONNA BE EASY.

Darren: NO SHIT, IT'S NOT

GONNA BE EASY. HE WAS NECROMANCED BY ONE OF THE

MOST POWERFUL INDIANS IN

HISTORY. Kristen: WE GOT TO DO WHAT WE

GOT TO DO.

Johnny: FIRST THING WE HAVE TO DO IS FIND OUT WHERE THIS

TURKEY'S AT.

Darren: IT SAYS HERE, "IF THE TURKEY IS NOWHERE TO BE SEEN,

IT'S LIKELY HE'S RETURNED TO HIS

TEEPEE." Johnny: SHIT, THERE CAN'T BE

THAT MANY TEEPEES IN TOWN, CAN

THERE? LET'S GO BLITZ HIS ASS.

Darren: "HOWEVER, IF HE IS

NOT IN THE TEEPEE, HE'S KILLING ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS."

All: BILLY!

[LAUGHS] SUCKER.

Billy: SO HUNGRY.

GOD DAMN. OH, BILLY!

BILLY, BILLY, BILLY, COME

EAT ME! COME EAT ME, BILLY.

I TASTE REAL GOOD.

Billy: THAT HIT THE SPOT. [BELCHES]

OH!

GOBBLE, GOBBLE, MOTHERFUCKER. NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL "FOWL"

PLAY.

[LAUGHS]

Johnny: I THINK WE'RE TOO LATE.

Darren: HOLY SHIT!

GUYS, PULL OVER! PULL OVER, THERE'S BILLY!

THERE'S BILLY, PULL OVER, GOD

DAMN IT! NO! BILLY!

BILLY!

MY BUDDY, MY BEST FRIEND! NO, YOU CAN'T GO LIKE THIS!

BILLY, YOU CAN'T GO LIKE THIS,

MAN. Billy: IT'S OKAY.

YOU'RE ONE OF THE COOL KIDS NOW.

Darren: IT'S NOT EVEN THAT BAD, BILLY.

I AM ONE OF THE COOL KIDS,

BECAUSE OF YOU. BECAUSE OF YOU, I'M ONE OF THE

COOL KIDS!

YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND. WE'VE BEEN THROUGH GOOD AND BAD

TIMES.

GOOD AND BAD TIMES TOGETHER, BILLY.

IT'S NOT GONNA END LIKE THIS.

THERE'S GONNA BE MANY MORE GOOD TIMES.

AND WE'RE NOT GONNA LET THERE BE

A LOT OF BAD TIMES. YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND.

I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL THAT

GODDAMN TURKEY. I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD.

BILLY!

BILLY, NO, YOU CAN'T GO! IT'S NOT EVEN THAT BAD.

IT'S NOT EVEN THAT BAD.

BILLY, I LOVE YOU. YOU'RE MY FRIEND.

I'VE NEVER HAD ANYBODY COME INTO

MY LIFE LIKE YOU, BILLY. REMEMBER WHEN YOU GAVE ME MY

FIRST ICE-CREAM CONE UNDER THE

SUNSET? I MISS YOU SO MUCH, BILLY.

THIS SONG GOES OUT TO YOU.

OH, YEAH. MMM.

YEAH, I LOVE YOU, BILLY.

AND NOW YOU'VE GONE AND LEFT ME

YOU WERE MY, YOU WERE MY

FRIEND MY FRIEND

YOU GOT KILLED BY THE

TURKEY WHO'S NOT, WHO'S NOT MY

FRIEND

HE'S NOT MY FRIEND, YEAH OH BILLY, BILLY, BILLY,

YOU WERE MY, MY BEST FRIEND

WE WERE MEANT TO BE BEST FRIENDS FOREVER

AND NOW YOU ARE A DEAD BEST

FRIEND A DEAD BEST FRIEND

BILLY, WHY DID YOU HAVE TO

LEAVE ME, BILLY WHY DID YOU HAVE TO LEAVE ME

YOU WERE MY BEST FRIEND,

BILLY BEST FRIEND, BILLY

[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING] OH, YEAH.

TOSSING.

PERFECT. LOW IN CALORIES, HIGH IN FIBER.

TOSS IT.

WHEW, NOTHING LIKE A LONG DAY TO HAVE A BIG JUICY SALAD IN MY

STOMACH.

Kristen: THERE'S THE TEEPEE, GUYS, ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD.

Darren: OKAY, GUYS, SO, WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO NOW?

Johnny: FUCK, I DON'T KNOW.

I DIDN'T REALLY THINK ABOUT THAT.

KRISTEN, WHAT DO YOU GOT?

Kristen: I DON'T KNOW. DO WE HAVE ANY ROPE?

Johnny: YEAH, I GOT SOME OUT

OF THE JEEP. I THOUGHT IT COULD BE USEFUL.

Kristen: OKAY, WELL, THIS IS

A START. DARREN, HOW ABOUT JOHNNY AND I

GO IN THROUGH THE MAIN ENTRANCE

AND WE CAN DISTRACT TURKEY. THEN ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS GO

IN THROUGH THE BACK, SNEAK

UP ON HIM, NAIL HIM, AND TIE HIM UP WITH THIS ROPE.

Darren: SO I'M DOING ALL THE

WORK? Johnny: DO YOU WANT TO AVENGE

BILLY'S DEATH OR NOT?

THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT. NOW QUIT BEING A PUSSY AND LET'S

MAKE THIS HAPPEN.

Darren: FINE, FINE, I'LL DO IT.

Kristen: WAIT, DO WE HAVE

MATCHES OR A LIGHTER? Johnny: YEAH, I GOT A LIGHTER

RIGHT HERE.

I'M ALWAYS PREPARED, BABY, AND WHEN I'M NOT, I JUST CALL AN

AUDIBLE.

Darren: OKAY, WELL, LET'S KICK THIS FOUL-MOUTHED BASTARD'S

ASS.

Johnny: LET'S DO IT. [MUSIC CONTINUES]

[RECORD SCRATCHES] YOU'RE NOT SUCH A BADASS AFTER

ALL.

[LAUGHS] YOUR DAD THOUGHT I WAS PRETTY

BADASS.

Johnny: YOU BASTARD, I'M GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU.

Kristen: NOT NOW, JOHNNY.

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?

YOU KIDS CAN'T KILL ME,

ASSHOLES -- I'M INVINCIBLE. OH, SHIT!

WHAT THE FU--?

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO? CATCH A FISH, YOU FUCKING PRICK?

Darren: I GOT HIM!

WHAT! WHAT, TURKEY?! Johnny: GOOD JOB, MAN.

Darren: OH MY GOD, I'M ON

FIRE! WHAT IS THIS?

LOOKS LIKE I GOT SOMETHING YOU

DON'T GOT, TURKEY. WHAT'S THAT, DARREN?

A VAGINA?

Darren: FUCK, NO! I'VE GOT A BOOK THAT'S GONNA

SEND YOU STRAIGHT TO HELL.

YOU THINK THAT'S REAL? YOU KIDS ARE EVEN MORE RETARDED

THAN BILLY!

Johnny: GO BACK, GO BACK! Kristen: CALM DOWN, DARREN.

Johnny: DON'T LISTEN TO HIM,

DARREN. LET'S JUST FINISH THIS BASTARD.

YOU GOT THE PRAYER READY?

Darren: I'VE GOT TO FIND THE FUCKING PRAYER.

I'VE GOT IT.

YOU READY? Johnny: LET'S DO THIS.

Darren: LET'S DO IT.

All: ASHLASHI BEGUNDI KA. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH,

FUCKING BLAH.

All: KRIBASH SHOLASH KARI MAFESTO.

THIS IS THE STUPIDEST THING

YOU KIDS HAVE DONE YET. All: ASHLASHI BEGUNDI KA.

KRIBASH SHOLASH KARI MAFESTO.

OH, WHAT ARE YOU... All: ASHLASHI BEGUNDI KA.

STOP! STOP IT!

All: KRIBASH SHOLASH KARI MAFESTO.

Darren: THERE, GUYS!

Johnny: AT LEAST IT'S WORKING.

Darren: YEAH, THAT SHOULD'VE

WORKED, BECAUSE NOW HE'S LOST ALL OF HIS INVINCIBILITY POWER.

OKAY, IT SAYS HERE, HE'S NOW

READY TO BE SACRIFICED. FUCK, BURN HIM ALIVE, GUYS.

Kristen: NICE, YOU STILL GOT

THAT LIGHTER, JOHNNY? Johnny: YEAH, I GOT IT.

Kristen: I'M READY TO SEE

THIS COCK BURN. Johnny: YOU MEAN TURKEY,

RIGHT?

Kristen: NO, I MEAN LIKE A DICK, NOT LIKE THE ANIMAL.

DO YOU HAVE THE LIGHTER OR NOT?

Johnny: YEAH, I GOT IT. SO LONG, SUCKERS.

[LAUGHS]

Oscar: NOT THIS TIME, ASSHOLE!

OH, FUCK!

ARGH! [COUGHING]

Johnny: YOU!

WHERE DID THAT TURKEY GO? Oscar: I KILLED THAT SON OF

A BITCH.

HE'S RIGHT IN THAT DUMPSTER RIGHT OVER THERE.

Kristen: YOU DON'T

UNDERSTAND, HE NEEDS TO BE KILLED IN A CERTAIN WAY.

IF HE ISN'T, WHO KNOW WHAT MIGHT

HAPPEN. Johnny: BASTARD.

Kristen: OH, YEP, HE'S DEAD.

THAT'S PRETTY NASTY. OH, SHIT.

Kristen: NICE SHOT, HERMIT.

Oscar: THANK YOU THERE, PRETTY LADY, BUT IT WAS PRETTY

MUCH POINT-BLANK RANGE.

Johnny: YEAH, IT WAS. Oscar: WELL, LOOKS LIKE MY

WORK'S DONE HERE.

KILLED THAT GODDAMN TURKEY, AND AVENGED THE DEATH OF MY DOG,

OL' FLASHY.

Kristen: YEAH, I'M REALLY SORRY ABOUT YOUR DOG.

THAT MUST BE HARD TO DEAL WITH.

Oscar: WELL, I KNOW HE'S IN A BETTER PLACE NOW, BUT IT STILL

HURTS A LITTLE BIT ON THE

INSIDE. ONE OF THESE DAYS, YOU KIDS

THERE, YOU MIGHT FEEL WHAT I

FEEL WHEN LOSING SOMEBODY YOU LOVE, LIKE YOUR MOTHER, YOUR

FATHER, OR YOUR BEST FRIEND.

WELL, I'VE GOT TO GO, KIDS, HERE.

YOU GUYS HAVE A GOOD NIGHT.

Johnny: WELL, I SURE LEARNED A LOT FROM THIS EXPERIENCE.

AND I MADE LIFELONG FRIENDS.

Kristen: WHAT A NICE GUY. Johnny: I DON'T KNOW.

HE FUCKING KIND OF CREEPS ME

OUT. KIND OF WEIRD.

I DON'T KNOW, THOUGH, HE DID

SAVE OUR LIVES. I GUESS THAT MAKES HIM COOL,

RIGHT?

Darren: WELL, GUYS, WE JUST KILLED THE MOST DEMONIC TURKEY

TO EVER ROAM THE FACE OF THE

EARTH. WHAT NOW?

[LAUGHTER]

Johnny: WE DID, DIDN'T WE? Darren: WE SURE DID.

Johnny: WELL, I DON'T THINK

WE CAN DO ANYTHING TO TOP THIS ONE.

WHAT DO YOU SAY WE GO BACK TO

KRISTEN'S AND WATCH THE MOVIES? HOW DOES THAT SOUND?

Darren: HELL, YES.

HELL, YES. Kristen: COME ON, GUYS, IT'S

THROUGH HERE.

Johnny: LET'S ROCK THIS MOVIE.

Darren: I WANT TO WATCH IT.

I'M SO EXCITED.

Johnny: GOT MY POPCORN, ALL SNUGGLED UP ON THE COUCH.

SO, YOU KNOW, KRISTEN.

IN A WAY, I'M KIND OF GLAD ALL THIS HAPPENED.

IF NOT, I WOULDN'T HAVE GOTTEN

THIS CLOSE TO YOU. I MAY HAVE LOST MY PARENTS, BUT

I GAINED A GIRLFRIEND.

Kristen: G-GIRLFRIEND? Darren: OH, BROTHER.

Kristen: YOU MEAN...

Johnny: YES. WILL YOU GO OUT WITH ME?

Kristen: OH, JOHNNY, I DON'T

KNOW WHAT TO SAY. I MEAN, I DO KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

YES, OF COURSE.

Johnny: AWESOME, SHE'S GONNA GO OUT WITH ME.

AWESOME.

[UNZIPPING] Darren: I'M GONNA GO PEE NOW.

YEAH, I'M GOING TO GO PEE.

[ZING!] AAH!

[DING!]

YOU'RE DONE, BITCH. Darren: YOU SON OF A BITCH!

WHY CAN'T YOU JUST DIE ALREADY?

ARGH!

Darren: [SCREAMING]

Billy: COME ON, DARREN. COME ON.

GOD'S A-WAITING.

COME ON. NO TURKEYS UP HERE, DARREN.

NO TURKEYS UP HERE, DARREN.

LET'S GO. LET'S GO. [LAUGHS]

Kristen: WHAT'S THE MATTER, JOHNNY?

Johnny: I DON'T KNOW.

I THOUGHT I HEARD TURKEY. I COULDN'T HAVE.

IT JUST...

IT JUST MUST HAVE BEEN A BAD DREAM.

Kristen: THERE IS NO WAY,

JOHNNY, HE HAD A SHOTGUN WOUND THE SIZE OF MY HEAD.

PLUS, WE SAID THE PRAYER IN

REVERSE. Johnny: YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.

HE'S GOT BE DEAD.

UNLESS HE FELL INTO SOME RADIOACTIVE WASTE.

WHAT ARE THE ODDS OF THAT

HAPPENING, RIGHT? Kristen: DON'T BE SILLY, THAT

KIND OF STUFF ONLY HAPPENS IN

MOVIES. Johnny: YOU'RE RIGHT, YOU'RE

RIGHT.

WELL, I'M GOING TO GO CHECK ON DARREN.

I'M STILL A LITTLE FREAKED ABOUT

THAT DREAM. Kristen: THERE IS NOTHING TO

BE WORRIED ABOUT, JOHNNY.

REMEMBER THAT. OKAY, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

Johnny: DARREN? DARREN, THIS ISN'T FUNNY.

WHERE YOU AT, MAN?

I'M IN THE KITCHEN, MAKING A TURKEY SANDWICH.

Johnny: ALL RIGHT.

DARREN... KRISTEN, HE'S --

[SCREAMING] Kristen: JOHNNY! NO!

YOU! HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE?

I ALWAYS COME BACK FOR SECONDS.

JOHNNY, COME ON!

WE'VE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE! HANG IN THERE, JOHNNY!

DON'T YOU LEAVE ME!

COME ON, LET'S HIDE IN THAT SHACK OVER THERE.

Johnny: I DON'T THINK I'M

GONNA MAKE IT. DON'T SAY THAT.

YOU'RE GONNA BE FINE.

HANG IN THERE, JOHNNY. YOU STILL GOT THAT LIGHTER?

YEAH, HERE.

ROAST IN HELL, ASSHOLE. OH, FUCK.

NO!

OH, GOD! OH, MY FEATHERS ARE FUCKING

MELTING!

OH! OH! Johnny: I'M NOT GONNA MAKE

IT.

I'M SORRY, I WISH I COULD CALL A TIME OUT FOR THIS ONE.

Kristen: STOP IT.

SHUT UP, SHUT UP. Johnny: LOOK AT ME.

YOU DID GOOD.

YOU SURVIVED, AND THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS.

KRISTEN, I LOVE YOU.

Kristen: I LOVE YOU, TOO.

Darren: WE NEED TO BURN HIM AT THE STAKE, JUST LIKE A

WITCH.

Kristen: "PECK" ON SOMEONE YOUR OWN SIZE.

[SCREAMING]

GOD! OH, IT FUCKING BURNS!

[SCREAMING]

I'LL COME BACK! I'LL KILL YOU ALL!

Oscar: WELL-DONE, GAL. Kristen: YEAH, I KNOW.

Oscar: [LAUGHS]

I BROUGHT PIE. MMM, YEAH.

CAN'T WAIT TO EAT.

NO, NOT YET. WHY ARE YOU WEARING THAT HAT,

CALEB?

I JUST LOVE THANKSGIVING. OKAY.

LET'S BOW OUR HEADS.

OUR FATHER IN HEAVEN, WE GIVE THANKS FOR THE PLEASURE OF

GATHERING TOGETHER FOR THIS

OCCASION. WE GIVE THANKS FOR THIS FOOD

PREPARED BY LOVING HANDS.

WE GIVE THANKS FOR LIFE, THE FREEDOM TO ENJOY IT ALL AND ALL

OTHER BLESSINGS.

AS WE PARTAKE OF THIS FOOD, WE PRAY FOR THE HEALTH AND STRENGTH

TO CARRY ON AND TRY TO LIVE AS

YOU WOULD HAVE US. THIS WE ASK IN THE NAME OF

CHRIST, OUR HEAVENLY FATHER.

AMEN. ARGH!

DO I SMELL SEQUEL, BIATCH?!

Ondertiteling gemaakt door: WoKKeL