Original subtitles

- Gemma, I think you're good. - I'm gonna hit it.

- I would just go straight on back. - No, no, I'm gonna hit it.

- Dave, I'm gonna hit it. - You're not gonna hit it.

I'm gonna hit it.

- Did this jerk park you in again? - Ugh.

When I find out who he is, he is gonna be sorry.

Oh, yes, he is.

You know, this is cause for an ass-whupping.

Now, now, we don't know what he's going through.

Maybe there was an emergency.

- Maybe his wife is giving birth. - Oh.

Where, Dave? In your yard?

And he parked here yesterday, too.

- Hmm. - It's fine.

I left a terse note on his windshield.

I can't understand why you are not furious.

'Cause if I left him a note, it would say,

"Sorry for smashing out all your windows!"

Calvin, can you help me get out of here?

- Okay, yeah. - Excuse me, I'm right here.

Okay, no, you know what? You probably need to

straighten it out just a little bit first,

and then, and then cut it.

- No, no, no, cut it... to your left. - Cut it which way?

- To your left, Gemma. Go left-left. - I would cut it to your right.

No, do not cut it to your right.

- Don't listen to me. - You don't know what you're talking about.

♪ Welcome to the block, welcome to the neighborhood ♪

♪ Welcome to the hood. ♪

Hey, Dad.

Do you know where my birth certificate is?

Oh, sure. Look in the glove box.

- Thanks. - Yeah.

Oh, no, it's not!

Marty, I haven't seen your birth certificate

since your mother signed my name on it.

Uh, that tracks, but Courtney and I need it

to get our marriage license.

Aw, don't worry, Marty. Of course I've got it,

- but I'm gonna need it back. - Why?

'Cause you'll lose it.

Mama, I'm about to be a whole husband, okay?

You know what, Marty? You're right.

After the wedding, I'll give it to your wife.

Come on, babe, that's ridiculous.

Is it? Okay.

Well, Calvin, where's your birth certificate?

I don't know. You have it.

Mm.

See what I'm saying?

I know I don't say this enough...

- ...but I love you. - Okay, okay.

David, you say it all the time.

Ah, Gemma.

- Oh, Dave. Are you okay? - Yes.

I'm alive. Oh, Calvin.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

What the hell is going on?

I was running down Marengo, w-working on my six-minute mile,

when out of nowhere, one of those food delivery robots

came careening down the sidewalk,

totally out of control.

I had to leap out of the way

and almost stumbled into traffic.

But you're okay?

Well, yes, thanks to my catlike reflexes.

Oh, my God, and now I smell like you.

But as I lay there,

looking into the light...

- Okay. - What is he looking at?

Okay.

I realized I almost made you a widow.

Grover, a half an orphan.

Is that the robot?

Oh, dear God.

It's coming back to finish me off!

Is this what...?

- Uh, s-- I'm-I'm sorry! - Really? - Oh, really, Marty?

I'm-I'm sorry! I'm sorry, Dave.

Okay? I had a hankering for chilaquiles.

Where is my churro?

162.

- Age? - 43.

- Height? - Six-one.

Six foot.

Five-11, final offer.

Sir, this is not for a dating app.

I just work for the insurance company.

Dave, I know yesterday was traumatic,

but we already have life insurance.

But you can never have enough.

Look, you don't realize how fragile life is

until you're almost killed by a Decepticon.

It was a rolling cooler full of tacos.

Regardless, I just want to make sure that, God forbid,

something happened to me,

that you and Grover are taken care of.

Dave, stop. I hate thinking about life without you.

You have to be prepared.

And just promise me that you won't mourn forever.

Join a widows' grief support group.

You know, move on.

Enjoy life.

You know, maybe... even meet someone.

Wh... Oh, God. I can't imagine that.

I wouldn't even be able to think about dating for a year or two.

- A year? - Or two.

Or five.

No. No, no, no. You know what?

I'm sorry. It's what I want for you.

You know, maybe you and your widow friends plan a vacation.

Go to, say, Greece.

Hit up the clubs in Mykonos, you meet a DJ named Stavros.

He doesn't speak much English, but,

God knows, he doesn't have to, not with that jawline.

So you're telling me we've had this stuff

under our bed for 30 years?

Just keep looking.

The birth certificates are in one of these.

Come on. Tina, really?

- Macaroni art. - Oh, let me see.

- A kindergarten graduation cap. - Aw.

Look at this.

You know, you got a whole box of hand turkeys.

Oh.

But you gonna throw away my Jet "Beauty of the Weeks."

My Jayne Kennedy.

O-Okay, uh, here we go.

These are report cards. Ah.

- Here go the birth certificates right here. - Yes.

There we go.

What's this little envelope?

What are these?

Aw, that's their baby teeth.

What?

And you kept them? Why?

'Cause I just like to look at them sometimes.

When?

Just put 'em back in the envelope, Calvin!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Tina, you know what?

Enough is enough.

All right, they're grown men.

Let's just get rid of all this stuff.

No, I can't throw their baby teeth away.

You know what? I'll just put them under the bed.

No, you won't.

I ain't sleeping on no damn teeth.

Sorry about the urine sample.

You sure it's enough?

It's fine.

It's so weird.

You know, at the movies, I have to go, like, five times.

Gemma, tell her, at the movies,

- how many... - Dave, she said it's fine.

Blood pressure 155/90.

What? That's high, right?

Yeah, that's pretty high.

Hold on, this makes no sense. It's impossible.

Well, hold on.

Look. Look, I mean...

I'm in good shape. I mean...

Sure, I can't always make urine on demand,

but...

Dave, calm down. We'll figure it out.

No. Look, I-I don't smoke.

I... never used drugs.

I mean, there was that one Fourth of July

that I did snort Pop Rocks, but that's it.

Hey, Calvin.

Dave.

I see that guy has your driveway blocked in again.

Can't believe your little note didn't scare him straight.

It might be my fault.

You know, he's probably a young guy.

I don't think they read cursive.

You know, and he moved your garbage cans

to make room for himself.

You never touch another man's cans.

Look.

It's not worth getting upset about.

Aw, gosh darn it.

What's that?

It's my wearable blood pressure monitor.

I'm trying to lower my blood pressure

or I'm gonna pay through the nose for life insurance.

You know... I'm doing everything I can.

I eat right. Exercise.

I sleep well. I take two naps a day.

You know, maybe I eat too much kale.

I don't know what to tell you, Dave.

My blood pressure's always normal.

So jealous.

I mean, you can't compare yourself to me.

I grew up in the '70s. We grew up tough.

No helmets. No seat belts. No allergies.

Pretty sure people in the '70s had allergies.

I didn't know any of them.

Calvin said I should get rid of this stuff,

but it's really hard.

I've been there. It almost killed me last year

when I finally got rid of Grover's light-up potty.

He's 14.

You have a bag of Malcolm's hair.

Ooh, it was so curly.

But once you do it, you'll feel so good about yourself.

- Yeah. - Trust me.

Like, what is this?

Oh, Malcolm made this for me for Mother's Day.

But what is it?

It's a...

It's a paperweight.

- There's two of them. - Then they're bookends, Gemma.

Okay.

Hey, Mama.

Oh, good. My babies are here.

Okay, I've got your birth certificates,

your Social Security cards and your passports.

- Aw, thank you, Ma. - Also,

all of this is all yours now.

- Oh. - Oh. Okay, uh...

- What is that, finger paintings? - Mm.

Yeah, we don't need any of that stuff. You can just toss it.

- So, you want me to die? - No.

This is your childhood.

Well, no, come on, Mama, a-a place mat

from Gravy Jack's is not our childhood.

Aw. Look, you did the maze.

Oh. Tina, honey.

That is garbage.

Oh, my God, there's, like, ten of them.

Oh, man, remember these?

What? Muchigon cards?

We used to get so excited about these.

Yeah, and now you're excited to throw them out.

Oh, man, Vampirax.

Wereturtle. Pterodactyclops?

That's the one I got sent to detention for

because I was showing my friends in social studies.

Ah, in your defense, it was incredibly rare.

Well, I couldn't believe I had one.

Wow, Marty, that's so cool.

A one-eyed dino-bird card that proves you're a virgin.

Dave, the point of our team meetings isn't to socialize.

Okay, but all I did was ask

that Brian guy how his weekend was.

That's an invasion of privacy.

It's giving ick.

I-I'm sorry, "ick"?

Wh-What is, what is "ick" and how can it be given?

Now you're crossing into cringe.

- Hey, Dave. - Oh.

- Check it out. - Uh...

Calvin, I'm in a meeting.

With who? One of Grover's friends?

It's my boss.

Please-- uh, one second, Josh.

- What is so important? - Oh. I just wanted to give you this.

- What did you do? - You know the guy

that's been blocking your driveway?

I sent him a message.

Now, I couldn't get the bumper

all the way off, but it's hanging.

Calvin, you cannot just-- you know, hold on.

Josh? Hey, uh, I'm so sorry.

But I get it. No more niceties.

I'm gonna bottom-line it:

if you could speak a lot less, that would be awesome.

Uh...

Josh, what I don't think you understand is...

Dave.

Dude. Remember what we talked about.

Lose the ick.

Lose the cringe.

Josh out.

What just happened, man?

Look, Calvin...

It's just the way my boss is, okay? It's...

It's not a big deal.

It is a big deal.

You can't let Nickelodeon talk to you that way.

See? That's why your blood pressure is high.

You're holding in your rage.

I have nothing to rage about, Calvin.

See? It's that.

That thing right there that you do with your neck.

What thing I do with my neck?

This thing that you do, like a hungry baby bird.

You do it every time you say you're not angry

when I know damn well that you are.

Calvin, wh-what do I have to be angry about?

What don't you have to be angry about?

You lost your job, you're working for Boss Baby.

You got your ass whupped by a taco-bot.

Calvin, it's not that bad.

David, your life sucks right now, man.

Come on. Your life is trash.

And if you don't let that anger out...

...people gonna start dancing

to that beat all the way to Funkytown.

- Mama... - Gemm...

Gemma, you're not even looking.

Tina, you are gonna feel so good when this is gone.

Malcolm.

Uh, come look at this. This... this Pterodactyclops

is a first-edition platinum diamond refractor card.

So?

So, it's worth $5,000.

What? You're kidding me.

For a piece of cardboard?

A very rare piece of cardboard.

Okay? Looks like it's my lucky day.

Yours?

I bought that card.

Yeah.

Uh, you may have bought the card, dear brother,

but if you remember, when you started to care about

things like girls and sports,

you gave all your cards, uh, to me.

I believe I said that you could play with them,

not that you could have them, dear brother.

Ah. (strained laugh) Well...

Uh, so, you do admit that you gave them to me.

Yes, but you never claimed dibs.

Dibs were implied!

The only thing you get dibs on is being a dork!

Hey, hey, hey!

I cannot believe you guys are arguing

over some little stupid monster card.

Uh, my stupid monster card.

And may I remind you, brother,

- you ain't bigger than me no more. - What?

Oh, no.

- Hold this, Mama. Mama, hold that. Hold on. - No... Oh, come on.

- Is this... - Just step back. Okay. All right.

Oh!

- Okay! Okay! - Don't do this!

Stop that! Put him down!

Marty! Stop! No, don't... Oh, no!

So, just smashing stuff is supposed to make me feel better?

Oh, trust me. David, you're gonna love it.

You know, Tina brought me here, like, eight years ago

when I was going through some stuff.

Eight years ago?

That's when we moved in next door.

Hmm. Eh, coincidence.

All right. Go ahead, come on.

Start smashing some stuff.

Well, come on, Calvin.

I-I mean, I can't hit this printer.

It's in perfectly good condition.

Oh, really?

Now it's not.

Come on, Dave.

You remember how pissed off you were

when your little boy boss told you to shut up?

Yeah. I mean, I love to talk.

Yes, you do.

Now imagine you're in a meeting,

and you just heard "Shut up" from that little snot

who's not even old enough to rent a car.

How would that make you feel?

It would make me feel mad.

Get him.

Yeah.

Go.

Why don't you shut up, Josh?

You tell him, Dave.

Yeah. Meeting is over!

Oh, yeah!

Now you can't tell me that didn't make you feel good.

Yeah, I won't tell you.

'Cause it felt amazing!

Okay. Now, you see that windshield?

Now imagine that belongs to the car

that blocks your driveway.

- Yeah. - And it's street cleaning day.

Break yourself, fool!

Whoa! Yeah! Yeah!

That's what I'm talking about.

Now, what are you looking at, Stavros?

Okay, uh, uh, who-who the hell is Stavros?

Yeah, he's a really handsome Greek guy

who's trying to steal my wife.

This is Sparta!

Yeah.

That is the spirit there, Dave, right there.

And this? Yeah!

This is for the people that stand up

in the back of the plane once we land.

You're in 33-C!

Sit down! You ain't going nowhere!

- Oh! - Ow!

I can't believe I had to separate you two.

No kidding. You're a novelist, you're a physicist,

and you're still giving each other wedgies?

Well, he started it.

You stole my card.

Hey, hey, hey! I thought I said stop.

- Stop-- stop punching me, Malcolm! - Ain't nobody touching you!

Hey!

- You better stop it! - Look, Ma, he lying.

I kept all this stuff to remind me

of when y'all were little kids, but now I'm remembering,

when y'all were little, y'all were a pain in my ass.

- You hear that? She talking about you. - She talking about you.

- She talking about you. - What you talking about? She talking about you.

She talking about you, Malcolm...

I'm talking about the both of you.

You know what? I don't miss any of this.

And you won't miss any of this.

You know what? You're right, Gemma.

- Everything's got to go. - Ugh! Finally!

But not the baby teeth.

I want to make a necklace.

Please tell me you're joking.

Yeah, I was joking.

Hey, hey, everybody.

- Hey, Daddy. - Hey, Pop.

Great news.

Calvin and I were just smashing.

- What? What? - What?

David, there's got to be a better way.

Uh, you-you want to try that again?

Okay, fine.

Calvin got us a private room.

- All right, I don't have time for this. - So, you could smash my dad?

I-I'll tell the story.

I took Dave to a rage room to get his anger out.

And the best part is, is my blood pressure

has never been lower.

My insurance is gonna be cheaper, and I'm not gonna die.

That's great, honey.

Yeah, and you tell Stavros to find another widow.

- Hey. Hey, I remember these. - Uh, whoa.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa. - Daddy, Daddy, Daddy. Uh...

Uh, please be very careful with that.

- It's worth $5,000. - Yeah. Let me get...

For a piece of cardboard?

Yes. They have been fighting over it for the last half hour.

- Well... - Only because he gave it to me.

- Because I bought the card. - But why can you not understand

- the concept of dibs? - Shut up.

Wait a minute. Hold on.

Is this the stupid dinosaur card

that y'all used to fight over as little boys?

Uh, well, it-it, it's not stupid.

But-but yes, that is the one.

Yeah, and I remember this.

You knocked over and completely destroyed

a full bottle of Johnnie Walker Blue.

I mean, that... that does sound vaguely familiar.

- Yeah. - You know what?

I confiscated it then, and I'm reconfiscating it now.

- Oh, come on, Pop. - Daddy, come on.

Now-now, now, no, you know what? I'm gonna use the money

to pay for your rehearsal dinners.

And to replace my bottle of Johnnie Walker Blue.

Are you happy, Marty?

Me? This is a hundred percent your fault.

- How is that my fault? - Well, you could've just gave me the card.

Hey, guy-- guys.

You didn't even have the card yesterday.

Gain some perspective on the moment.

Shut up, Dave!

No, you don't tell Dave to shut up, Malcolm.

- I'm tired of you... - Hey! Hey! Oh!

Hey! Hey! Hey, don't-- Oh, no!

This is for the lady at the liquor store

who said she didn't need to see my ID.

- Yeah. - Hi-yah!

Yeah!

Hey, hey, well, this is for the guy who gets on the elevator

and pushes the button like you weren't smart enough

to push it already.

This is for the guy

that knows you're waiting on a parking space

- but decides to check his text messages. - Whoa-oh.

You see me! You see me!

And this is for The Rise of Skywalker!

Ooh!

Marty, what?

Well, it was, it was a very bad movie

in an otherwise excellent franchise.

- Let's go! Ow. - Oh...

- Give me the bat. You're done. - No, please. - Oh, he didn't...

- No, I-I need this. - He didn't...

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