Original subtitles

Hello.

Open your eyes wide.

You will watch a most filthy show.

I'm going to tell you of our adventures.

I present to you my friend.

This is Tina.

She's charming isn't she?

Me, I am Pina.

I'm the one who runs the business.

But we work well together.

I am the brains, because everything has to be planned.

She... doesn't have much brain.

What are you saying?

Don't believe her, she's a liar.

I, of course, am the most beautiful.

The sexiest...

Admittedly even one of the most dangerous offenders.

Thanks to my beauty.

See how modest she is.

And not at all exhibitionist.

But without my little head next to you, What would you do?

That!

Don't exaggerate! You'll get cut by the censors.

You see, she's crazy.

Yes.

We're currently working for Interpol.

They realized that two beautiful girls...

were much more useful than all their useless James Bonds.

We know how to defend ourselves, don't worry.

Not with weapons that destroy.

No, with much better weapons than that.

Before which the enemy can only surrender.

The strongest wolf turns into a soft lamb in front of us.

We have also invented a character.

Half-Zorro.

Half-Sherlock Holmes.

That we take turns impersonating.

It's easy because I was a stripper.

And Tina did fanless fan-dancing

with great success.

For I assure you that she has such a soft pussy

that it's difficult to behave when you put it in your hand.

Well we will leave it there.

Otherwise you will never know the end of the story.

She's cute huh?

It's marvelous, you don't know.

Well, the camera must leave us now.

If we want this to be a normal film more or less.

We are now in Antofagasta.

Don't tell me you know where that is.

Yes, it's in South America.

Weather's always beautiful.

And the people enjoy the beach and sun all year round.

And what's more, in this marvelous city,

we fuck at all costs.

There is good French Champagne.

Quite expensive by the way.

But like everywhere, ideal for getting down to business.

- Here. - Thanks.

My dear.

Why don't you take it easy?

I don't know.

Let me do it.

But I'm not resisting.

What are you doing?

Oh listen...

B- but... you're undressing me!

Be careful!

Oh listen my angel.

Kiss me.

The poor idiot you just got to know is named Carmen.

He arrived at Antofagasta a few hours ago.

I met him at the airport, but I didn't like him at all.

He's brutal and lousy.

Yes... I still continued to do my performance.

Oh love.

Yes.

You wonder why I did that?

You'll find out soon enough.

Hands up, bastard!

What is this?

Get your nasty dick out of this babe's cunt and go to the corner.

Hurry up!

If you don't obey, I'll shoot.

Tell me, what did you do with the diamonds?

I don't know anything.

No? Here!

We know perfectly well that you stole the two diamonds of Rumina.

to pay Radeck.

Afterwards, you came here by plane with the diamonds.

Where are they?

Diamonds are in... Kashfi's dick. The carpet seller... yes...

What?

Asshole! This is not the time to talk nonsense.

You realize I can dump your family jewels in a museum?

That's the truth.

Look, this guy's worthless.

I've already checked thoroughly.

Okay, sleep my little man.

Did this bastard abuse you?

Not even!

My dear.

Moments later, we returned to our apartment.

After this skirmish we were really wound down.

Oh, I'm exhausted.

You're exhausted? What about me?

In this skintight suit and this useless panther's maw.

I would like 225-15-18. Will you stop for a moment, please?

No I'm fed up! I don't want to shut up, shit, I'm sick of it!

Guincho?

Portugal

Thanks.

I'm tired of these opera rags.

Oh sure, for you it's convenient.

While I have to disguise, climb on roofs...

Play Tarzan in the gutters, at the risk of falling.

Mademoiselle fucks the Champagne and the beautiful men.

I seriously can't stand it anymore.

Next time, we'll swap.

I will be naked with a handsome billionaire.

And you'll endorse the shit that happens to me even if it deforms a body as pretty as mine.

Look at these nice breasts being trapped in this attire, not possible.

And my legs are killing me!

Yeah...

- I'd like to see you like that. - Poor victim.

Yes, I'm the real victim here.

The Cinderella of secret services, that's what I am!

Yes but you forget something: the money you put in your pocket?

The same as yours.

Hello?

Answer the telephone.

Yes dear.

Hello?

This is the Radeck residence, one moment...

Honey, someone's calling you from Antofagasta.

Not right now, my beautiful music is always interrupted.

Antofagasta?

Antofagasta eh?

Hello?

Here!

Mr. Radeck?

This is the Golden Panther.

You have never heard of me?

Well I'm very lovely, very distinguished.

And I'm also intelligent.

A lot of important matters and other things.

You had some diamonds, and they were stolen from you, right?

My little pussy tells me where I could retrieve these diamonds.

Are you interested in recovering them?

Obviously it'll cost you a bit of money.

A pathetic sum when compared to the diamonds' value.

$200,000 for example.

Yes. I will confirm by telephone if I got them.

Let's arrange an appointment on neutral terrain.

Ah no! Not at your place.

I'm scared you'd be a big rascal capable of pinching the diamonds without shelling out.

For example at the Hotel Estoril.

You will come to the nightclub alone.

Dressed in black, you will ask for a bottle of Dom P�rignon.

I will confirm the date and time once I have the diamonds.

See you later dear Mr. Radeck.

It's in the bag. It worked.

$200,000. Not bad! - Like you say.

Now we need to find the carpet seller.

Good. Next time I will take your place but it might not be as fun with Kashfi.

Why not? Maybe he's cute.

Cute?

Maybe I will have a nice surprise. Can I sleep with him?

Of course you can sleep with him.

And with whoever you want.

For me, I couldn't care less.

But I only hope you will have a better chance than me.

Not like that useless Carmen today.

Do you really believe we will be billionaires one day?

- Ah yes! - I would love it.

So would I!

Otherwise I would've already quit this fucking job a long time ago.

And what would you do?

I would probably be locked in a convent.

No don't say that!

I haven't become a nun yet, right?

Come on, I'll give you a massage.

Is that better?

Yes.

I'm tired.

Shut up!

You'll see. No more worries.

We will be living the good life.

The ch�teau life.

We'll go into the most "in" places.

And you can fuck all the boys and all the girls you want.

Tell me. Who would you want to sleep with?

Hmm... I'd like Omar Sharif.

And he will fall into your arms.

That I'm sure of.

And you?

I can't decide between Alain Delon and Brigitte Bardot.

- It's good... - You like?

Yes it's good...

It's good...

- My dear... - I like it...

Like that?

Agent 0069.

Bigotini.

Brazilian origin.

He still belongs to Interpol.

Thanks to the recommendation from his country's president.

Who surely wanted to get rid of him for good.

And the other genius, Raymond Perez, Catalan.

The number 1 brain.

Until the day when the Japanese spy Tanaka

smacked him with such violence, that he still hasn't recovered.

Was he the assistant you wanted?

He was given to you.

And for what point? For what?

- For nothing! - Yeah.

You have traveled half of the world, from one failure to the next.

Wasting Interpol's money.

It was only 10 days ago when I sent you to arrest Peter the Lion.

And you made a mess in a circus!

That takes some beatings!

And now I ask you to surveil the suspicious girls.

And this idiot has found nothing better to do than rent the opposite apartment

and buy binoculars to watch them all day

in order to send me a report of their anatomy.

I seriously don't care.

That is not work.

I gave you what you needed to carry out your mission.

We think that one of these girls is the Golden Panther.

A private detective who does not stop sticking his nose in our business

and making fools of us.

And all I've been able to get out of this imbecile is...

...that one has pear-shaped breasts and the other has an apple butt.

I give you two days

to send me your report. If you fail...

Bigotini, I will send you back home to dance samba.

And this idiot, I'll lock him up.

Sir.

What a bastard!

Yeah, what a bastard!

State-of-the-art technology? He must be joking! Here, look at this

it's patched up with some old tape and he wants us to disguise ourselves with that...

some old junk!

Besides he's wrong because the Golden Panther is neither of these girls.

Have you not heard about the nuclear submarine microfilms case?

No

I'm almost sure that these two girls are spies.

Yeah?

Without a doubt, they are involved in this affair.

Are you sure?

We only have to look at them, they're marvelous! Look.

I'll explain.

Meanwhile...

We slept peacefully, unaware of the weird surveillance on us

and of course the existence of our followers.

Hello?

- Hi, it's Marius of Confidence. - Hello.

- What do you want? - Listen!

In the opposite building, there are two assholes from Interpol

who've been spying on you for a few days.

Is that important? - I didn't think it was important.

Yes.

And they are the puritan type who only wash their balls in Holy water!

Right now, I just saw their boss leave.

Martin Lamoumoute

Martin Lamoumoute?

Watch out for yourselves and spare your tits.

Who is he? I don't know him.

He's gonna lock you up for indecent exposure!

Anyway try to grab the attention of these two clowns.

Let's see what they are made of.

And don't forget that you already owe me for four secrets.

It is time to think about sending me the cash.

Alright I'm sending you a signed draft for 3 months.

No signed draft, only cash!

Right away!

Or I cut all ties with you.

Yes but to be honest with you, we are totally skint at the moment.

But as soon as we have money, I'll give you a shout.

Who was that?

- Marius. - Marius?

What Marius?

The confidant. You see, we've become VIPs.

There are two guys from Interpol watching us.

Don't care.

Come on, hands off! We must work for our money.

We'll have to find Kashfi the carpet seller.

Hours later...

In a residential district in the city.

We found the boutique of Kashfi, the carpet seller.

According to his neighbours, he's a queer.

- It's there. - It's easy to say, but I have to do it.

This won't be difficult, right dear?

Yes but still, he's a queer!

If you believe everything you hear, once a guy sleeps with another guy, he's gay!

Reassuring.

Hello.

You sell a lot of carpets, don't you?

Did it work?

- We're meeting at 3 o'clock. - At his place?

No, he's married.

What are you thinking about?

About human stupidity.

- You must be very unhappy. - I'm very unhappy.

- But you're rich. - Money doesn't bring happiness.

- Oh but it still contributes to it. - Yes, it creates new needs.

It helps to increase ambition and reduce the brain to a calculator.

- Marcus, do you know him? - Marcus, wait a minute, Marcus...

Ah yes I saw him on TV on a Saturday programme.

That's not the same.

Oh but listen you're complicated, I came here hoping you'd be nice to me.

You're right, it's not worth talking about serious things with a girl like you.

- Aren't you going to take off your clothes? - Not yet.

Now I can remove my clothes.

Oh shit!

What did you do? You're crazy! It was just getting good!

Who is that?

Look, Carmen didn't lie to us!

Carmen, you know him?

Of course, he's an old friend.

I must crossdress because nowadays, people don't take business women seriously.

I don't take them seriously either!

Now we're rich.

We'll be able to have a party.

The diamonds were now in our hands.

We only had to contact Radeck.

The time and day of the meeting.

The real drama begins at Portugal.

In other words, I packed the bags.

Because YOU couldn't be bothered to pack three panties in a trunk.

Don't believe her.

Let's say WE packed the bags.

As always, watched by the two idiots from Interpol.

Since we were fed up, we decided to call them.

Hey Perez... Hey Perez, come look!

What is it?

They're still naked. How great they are.

Yes.

Oh yes.

- Give it to me. - Have a look!

The little fat one passed his binoculars. They are checking us out, like always!

Their telephone must be ringing now.

Hello?

Hello? Agent 0069 Bigotini? This is the Golden Panther.

Ah?

So you want to pin down the diamond trafficker.

Ah yes.

You can find him tied up in his own apartment at Ricochet street.

Yeah.

You heard well, at 15 Ricochet.

On the fifth floor, the key is under the mat.

I wish you good luck and goodbye because I'm going to Portugal.

It was the Golden Panther.

I don't think so. And neither do you.

Let's get going.

There's a tied up trafficker or something waiting for us at Rico-ma-thingy!

Wait! You don't want me to go out like this.

Hey where did you put my panties?

Your panties? What panties?

You never wear any.

Yeah but you never know with an old perv.

He must like the swish, the lace and all that crap.

You're dumb.

When one has an ass like yours, you don't need all those things.

The diamonds, where are we going to put them?

We must hide them somewhere.

Easy. In my handbag or...

...among your jewellery or something. - "Airports are under strict surveillance"

"...and we ask passengers to arrive an hour and a half early..."

"to undergo a regulatory search."

- What are we going to do now? - I have no idea.

- We'll put them in our cooch. - Sure why not?

That's not a bad idea.

I don't think anyone will search there.

- You see. - We can hide each diamond.

I'll look for instruments.

Why not?

There, it's done.

Now it's my turn.

Well get into position.

Ah it's not easy.

Oh goddamn it!

Oh that tickles!

There, now we could say we have a treasure between our legs.

It's not bad here.

The management invites us to some Champagne.

Move! Give me some space.

That tickles.

Hello dear.

Oh friend, I need you so much.

Me too darling.

I especially need your services.

Why?

To get rid of someone who's trying to blackmail us.

I am at your command.

Have you heard of the Golden Panther?

No, I've heard of black panthers and definitely the Pink Panther.

I hope you won't ruin one of the coolest shows on TV.

Don't be stupid, the Golden Panther is a private detective.

But a woman.

She wants to resell the diamonds that were stolen from my boss.

You know how they were retrieved?

They were stored in a palace.

That reminds me. How much?

Give your price. - $100,000.

Ok.

Pat Martin is here, she will reveal her plan.

You made a mistake inviting a stranger here.

She's not a stranger.

What if she betrays us?

What then?

You. Leave!

We can trust her. I promise.

You promise. You promise with your head!

Tell me, what are you going to do?

I will use my ambiguous personality to attract this woman.

But Radeck hates violence.

My gift of hypnosis will suffice.

You will hypnotise her?

Yes.

I learned it in India.

Some old gurus taught me all the ways of the Servi-Lama.

Follow me, I will show you something surprising.

Here it is. Radeck's treasure.

The Monster of Duranstein.

But we call him Duran.

Come.

Closer.

- Is he dangerous? - For most people, yes.

Not for me, he's my brother.

Hello, dear little Duran.

Do you speak French?

Do you understand me?

He's not bad.

He's well-built. Better than Radeck.

He's definitely more intelligent.

He will definitely be of use.

Excuse me if I'm allowed a tiny pause in the narration.

You understand why.

Then we were at Estoril, without the slightest idea of Radeck's betrayal.

On the same night we had to perform at the casino.

And there, all our enemies began to march.

Oh yes, we had to put all our charms on display in order to get through this.

We did a performance in which Tina played the role of a ticklish panther.

And I played a rather... cuddly bird.

In the room, there was the famous hitman, Pat Martin.

And at the bar, the two Interpol agents who had followed us there.

Take a card.

There.

- Now put it back. - Like that?

Doesn't matter where.

Is it this one?

No!

What a surprise, that's the tenth time I screwed it up.

But one day I'll get it, I know.

Even if it's by accident. That, I assure you.

- Yes. - Come on.

We'll start again.

We reshuffle a little.

And now you'll choose a card.

We came in camouflaged with striptease costumes that pass for something else

in hopes we wouldn't be recognized by the two idiots.

Two rakis.

- The blonde? - It's the brunette.

Quiet idiot! We're incognito. You want them to find out we're from Interpol?

And they know who we are?

- Should we invite them for a drink? - Yes.

- Do you have a light? - Of course we have.

Not here...

You don't have a lighter? I don't have one.

- He doesn't have a lighter. - That doesn't matter.

I don't smoke.

They're being funny.

They're English.

You think?

Yes.

A shame I can't accompany you but my friend will be delighted to stay.

It's so shabby here!

It's not a palace, it's our room.

You want to drink something?

If you're not bored?

Yes, Champagne.

Ah no, no, no, not Champagne.

But I have Port that's really good.

You have a fridge?

No fridge, no fridge.

Only a pot with lots of ice.

Wait a moment, I've left it somewhere.

Hey Raymond, what are you doing in there?

Taking a piss.

While Tina had to share her charms with the two cops.

I let myself be seduced by the charming Pat Martin.

Do you want another Scotch?

I want.

- Cheers. - To your health.

- Good huh? - It's very good.

Not bad huh? It's real...

Real bog Scotch, yes.

Feel a bit hot with all that?

Take off all that gold stuff.

It's an eyesore.

Come on.

What's your name?

Pina.

- And for lovers? - Pina as well.

That's funny. My name is Pat Martin.

Pat Martin...

That's nice...

Say, you have a pistol on your garter.

So I can defend myself against men.

You never know.

Ah, you're right.

I think I'm drunk.

Wait, relax.

- Look at me. - What?

Look at me.

Look.

Now, repeat after me.

I am the slave of Pat Martin, repeat.

- Repeat. - No, not that!

Repeat.

I am the slave of Pat Martin.

My ass!

That's enough!

We'll start again.

Look, stare into me.

And repeat after me.

Look right into my eyes.

Repeat after me.

I am the slave of Pat Martin.

I am the slave of Pat Martin.

Pat Martin.

Don't move.

You are the Golden Panther.

- What do you want of me? - To break your face!

- Shit! - Shit.

Respond!

Respond.

Hey boss!

The girl is no longer here.

She left.

My poor head.

It hurts...

She left?

She's not here anymore!

- There's no one. - It's not possible!

Yes? This is Mr. Bigotini's room.

The person you are looking for can be found at 280 Boulevard Marques Pombal.

Hurry up.

Boss!

It's there!

Come see your spy!

It's the German spy.

This spy is not bad.

- The surgery went well. - Ah yes the surgery went well.

- Fucking good figure. - Ah yes.

Very good work.

But do you really think this is a German spy?

I don't know.

I've never seen a spy like that.

Like that?

We'll make sure!

- Do you speak German? - Ja ja!

Then there's no doubt, that's her. Arrest her.

- Go on, stop her! - Stop!

Do your job, friend. It's not my job.

What are you waiting for, hurry up!

Stop! Hurry, stop, quick. Take her!

- Dressed like that? - Yes, why not?

What do you want?

Pardon, please Madame.

Sir, do you want to come with us to the police station?

Why should I?

- You are under arrest. - Under arrest.

Back in the nightclub, we were messing around once again.

We were finally visited by the long-awaited Mr. Radeck.

It was the agreed time and date.

And this poor people's playboy immediately attracted our attention.

- A table, sir? - Yes please.

Right this way.

Minutes later he asked for...

- A bottle of Dom P�rignon, please. - Very well, sir.

- You're inviting us for a drink? - Yes it's time for a drink, you know.

Have a seat.

Gladly.

Marcel, two glasses.

Are you from here?

No.

So you're a foreigner?

That's a very sharp observation.

Pardon ladies and gentlemen.

You have a funny accent. You speak good French anyway.

Where are you from? There's something so exotic about you.

So fascinating.

- He's very cute.. - He's especially exotic.

Where are you from, my lovely little prince?

Tell us.

Let's make a bet.

If you're correct, I'll invite you over.

- And if we lose? - Then you invite me.

Okay.

Those lips...

- Iran? - No.

Not Iran. It's...

Beirut!

That's already closer.

It's... Istanbul!

Ok, you lose.

Tell us where you're from...

- Be nice, tell us. - Give me a minute!

You speak French almost correctly.

Oh your place is nice.

- It's terrific. - It's lovely.

I thought even though you lost it'd be better to come here instead.

- Of course! - You're joking.

I'll look for a spot. Let me see if I can find one.

Me too.

- We'd like to refresh ourselves. - So?

You can enter through the terrace, on your left.

Thanks, wait for us. You'll have a pretty surprise.

You think this guy is the billionaire Radeck?

Of course, why not?

I don't know, it seems like he's pretending to be.

Yeah, I agree.

How many times have I known guys who seemed all well dressed...

but who ended up being broke. I no longer rely on appearances.

If this guy is good, has money, then he will have the diamonds.

You think he'll pay up?

If he doesn't pay, bad luck.

We'll just keep the diamonds.

Do you think he's a womanizer? He doesn't look like one.

We'll see on the job.

You have a nice home.

You're beautiful.

She's cute my friend. Don't you agree?

Oh yes.

Doesn't that tempt you?

Come...

Alright, finish the show.

Which of you is the Golden Panther?

- What do you care? - It interests me a lot.

One of us is the Golden Panther, and I suppose you are Radeck

with whom we arranged to meet.

Of course since I'm here, it interests me.

Now, where are the diamonds?

Wait a moment.

Quickly, sit there.

It's good!

Now it's my turn.

And there!

- Let's go. - Yes, yes.

They're real.

I thank you endlessly for your work.

Alright, now pay us!

Not a penny!

I am not Radeck.

I'm only the insurance agent who insures the diamonds.

If you don't give back the stones immediately, I'll shoot!

And you know I'm not joking.

Bastard!

Faggot!

You'll get what's coming to you!

Bitch!

- Hands up! - Oh shit.

What are you doing here, Pat? Thanks! - No problem.

Where are the diamonds? You'll regret it if you don't...

Hands up.

Bravo Perez, you were right. He has the face of an SS, too.

Now you will pass me these mysterious diamonds.

Surely that must be the password of one of your dirty spy jobs.

What are you talking about?

You know well. Now pass me the stuff.

Here.

Now you're cooked. The military court will take care of you.

- Bastard! - Yes, of course.

Hands on your head.

Get moving!

And that's how we lost the diamonds.

Our friends still believed that it was an espionage case.

But they were the real stones.

One day, they fell into the hands of Interpol who got involved in the case.

Excuse us for the new interruption.

Don't believe that our adventure ends there, on the contrary.

It's from this moment that the real Radeck, thinking that we always had the stones,

...used Pat Martin's services again.

We must form a new plan to pinch the diamonds from the two Interpol fools.

Wake up! It's not possible for you to still be sleeping.

Turn off the light.

A little bit higher.

You have soft hands.

What do you want?

Pina?

Where are you, Pina?

Where are you? Pina?

She's gone!

The Golden Panther is here.

Wonderful. We can amuse ourselves with her for a bit.

My compliments, Pat.

This time you have done a very good job.

Now, we'll make this bitch talk.

Talk, bitch!

- Tell us where the diamonds are. - I don't know.

Continue.

Bring him. I want to show him to our young friend.

The Monster of Duranstein.

Where am I?

Calm down dear, you are with friends.

Now, the joke is over.

You'll tell us who you are and your relationship with the Golden Panther.

If not...

If not what?

Duran!

What are you going to do?

He so ugly!

If you don't talk, we'll rape you with the monster.

Oh no, not the monster!

Go on Duran!

Go!

Go my little Duran.

Again...

Continue!

Again! Stronger!

Duran, go my little Duran.

Go Duran, go, go Duran, go...

Duran...Duran...

Your bosses want to kill me.

But you won't let them, huh?

- There's the house. - What about it?

Don't you realize? Have you never gone to a cinema?

It's the real spy nest.

There it is. We have to get in.

He's cute.

- Did you hear those cries? - Yes but where they coming from?

Oh, from there! Let's go!

Finally, oh boy that stings.

Get out of here!

Do you want to play with me?

- Good evening. - Hello!

Excuse me gents.

Oh, the Golden Panther!

Where are you taking me?

Ah little Duran...

Ah Pina!

My dear!

What a shame, he was great.

Ah finally!

Finally what?

Finally... Finally nothing!

They are still stalking our mates. We spent some nice hours together.

Thanks to them, we became agents.

Yes.

And now she is very well behaved.

Not me, because I can't always stand a sexy pose without going on the attack.

Well, there we have it...

We have told you about our lives.

And now we say bye-bye and we will close our shutters.

Ciao.

Hey, cut, cut! Perverts!

Subtitles by rulesofachia November 2016.

Massive props to Al for his immense help

deciphering the hilariously drunk dialogue and proofreading my subs.