Original subtitles

HAMMER: Bet you didn't know the first act of homosexuality

in colonial Australia happened around here.

A Dutch ship, called the Zeewijk,

got wrecked off some islands right near Gero in 1727.

Two teenage boys were meant to be repairing the ship,

but instead of hammering nails,

they got caught hammering each other.

The ship's captain charged the boys with committing

"the abominable and God-forsaken deeds

"of Sodom and Gomorrah."

A.K.A. Butt stuff.

Fearing this sorrowful act would lead to terrible plagues,

severe discord and the loss of all that is good,

the two boys were separated and left to die.

Sometimes people can be real cunts.

REPORTER: Lots of surprises at the draft combine in Perth.

Kade Hammersmith, he had a shocking go at it.

Just played a bit aggro.

Clubs aren't keen on those types of blokes.

(TURNS OFF RADIO)

I got you a discount. Enzo used to work here.

Mad.

Thanks.

Whoa.

So, how did you go in Perth?

I don't want to talk about it.

Well, what do you want to talk about?

You messaged me, remember?

I guess I just...

...wanted to see you.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

You got mayo...

(CHUCKLES)

You want a bite?

No.

(CLEARS THROAT)

(LAUGHS AWKWARDLY) What?

They really didn't skimp on the onions, did they?

(LAUGHS)

You want to see it?

Sure.

Whoa.

Nice.

Let me see yours.

Hot.

(MOANS SOFTLY)

Oh. Here.

That's it.

(MOANS)

Oh, yeah.

Oh.

(BOTH MOANING)

(MOANS LOUDLY)

Oh, I'm gonna cum...

I'm gonna cum...

Ohh!

(GROANS)

(PANTS)

(MOANS)

(SIGHS)

Um... You wanna use this?

Yeah.

Did you wanna... get some?

Oh, no, I'm OK.

You, uh, want a lift home?

I can walk.

Pfft.

Suit yourself.

(STARTS ENGINE)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Ahem. Incoming.

Don't forget, we have rehearsals this afternoon.

What rehearsals?

Hami, just because you're having a little moment

doesn't mean that you can leave me dateless to my deb ball.

It certainly wouldn't be a very good look.

And we all know how much that means to you.

Besides, the limo is booked, anyway.

I'll take you, Roch.

Fuck off, Blakey!

So you'll be there, right?

I guess.

(GIGGLES) Good.

What did I do?

I don't care what you say, bro,

she is still the hottest chick in school.

So? Huh?

Oh, yeah, yeah, of course.

I mean, don't sound so excited.

I'd rather go with someone who's not a hostage.

No. No, I want to.

What happened to your date?

He died.

What? Yeah. He was murdered.

Brutally, by some guy.

I think he was called Gullible.

No, I was meant to go with my cousin,

but I'd rather go with someone I'd actually have fun with

rather than just a pity date.

And I think you'd make a great Plan B.

Oh, count me in.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Is something wrong?

No. Not at all.

Just chill. It's just a deb ball.

And the next logical step is that we get married.

I was thinking... How about Bali?

Well, only if our wedding rings are toe rings.

Oh, absolutely. How else will people know we're basic?

If you bail on me tonight,

you're going to have to call me Gal Gadot,

because I won't know how to act.

I thought you said this ball was white colonial nonsense.

That doesn't sound like me.

Besides, it's a tradition,

and me being there is actually

an incredible act of subversion.

Since when do you care about shit like this?

Uh, since I found out Rocky is going with Kodie.

No way!

Exactly. She's like the cookie monster but for cock.

Ah, who cares? It's Rocky.

Dude wants to get laid. Why does it matter?

It's not like you're into him.

Of course I'm not into him. Why...

Out of all the people... What are you talking about?

Nothing.

Hey. Hey.

You, uh, want to get burgers after school?

Bro, it could be raining titties,

and I'd look up and I'd catch a dick.

Look at you.

Yo! Hey!

If it isn't Geeky Zekey! (LAUGHS)

Did I, uh, you know, did I see you making

a bit of sweet, sweet lovin' to Sabrina Moretti?

(PURRS) She's a good Catholic girl.

Not afraid to give it all up

'cause she can just confess on Sunday, ay?

This true? You and Sabrina are a thing, ay?

You gonna let her cum on your tits?

(LAUGHS)

ZEKE: Oh, it stinks!

It does not.

It's vintage and it's one-of-a-kind.

A tailor custom-made it for my papa

in Capo d'Orlando in the '60s.

Yeah, when they were all skinny, starving hippies.

Well, your wedding suit isn't ready yet,

so we'll just have to make do.

Listen, I'm sure she'll think you're very stylish.

I doubt it. (LAUGHS)

What's that? It's a corsage.

So you've just got to make sure that you put it on for her.

OK? And it matches her dress.

OK.

How do you know it matches her dress?

Well, because I asked her.

You're speaking to her?

Of course!

Well, if she's important to you,

I want to get to know her too.

Yeah.

So what else did you talk to her about?

(DOORBELL RINGS) Ooh, she's here!

Oh, bella mia!

(WHISTLES)

Whoa, Bex. You scrub up good, dude.

Shut the fuck up.

You don't need to look so surprised.

I just didn't realise you were taking this shit so seriously.

You know, I'm allowed to like things, you know?

So, where's the car?

What?

You're my date. You're supposed to arrange a car.

How was I supposed to know that?

Oh! For fucks sake, Charlie! I'll order a taxi.

You're useless.

(TECHNO MUSIC)

(BOISTEROUS, INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Hey, Roch, you want a bump?

Yeah.

Who's the old guy?

He was on the Bachelorette. Don't you remember?

So why is he here? Mm-hm. He brought coke?

Hey, cockroach, save some for the rest of us.

It's finished, dickhead. There was, like, nothing in it.

Holy shit.

What?

Rochelle's finished the bag!

Holy shit!

(LAUGHTER)

Nah, I just took a bump.

(LAUGHTER)

Did I take too much?

Cheers!

This is gonna be a good night!

(SNIFFS DEEPLY)

Mmm! Love the smell of mothballs on a man.

Beats Dior any day.

(LAUGHS)

Hey, did you speak to my mum today?

Yeah.

She wanted to get to know the scarlet woman

who's trying to steal away her youngest child.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

Is that OK?

Yeah. Yeah, no, of course.

We should back-to-back it.

What, like ABBA?

Angel style!

(BOTH LAUGH)

Babe, can you just check my nose?

You can't see anything. OK.

Oh, my God. Ha!

I can see colours.

We all can, Rochelle.

Oh, yeah. (GIGGLES)

Look at him.

Totally cuntstruck. It's pathetic.

Get out of your head, Bec.

You're minutes away from being presented to society as a woman.

Who has never been kissed.

We made out at Year 7 camp.

Only 'cause I made you.

It doesn't count.

(PHONE CHIMES)

(PIANO PLAYS)

JACK: Blake O'Connell with Odessa Winters.

(APPLAUSE)

No photos, please. Thank you. Thank you.

Congratulations.

Well done. Well done. Well done, champ. Good job.

Ow, Bex, you're hurting me.

Hey.

You look beautiful.

OK? Really.

(BREATHES DEEPLY AND SHARPLY)

Charlie Roth and Matt Jones.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

SONG: ♪ Suddenly you're seeing me

♪ Just the way I am

♪ Suddenly you're hearing me

♪ So I'm coming just as fast as I can

♪ To you

♪ Suddenly

♪ Every part of me

♪ Needs to know every part of you. ♪

Charlie? Charlie!

(APPLAUSE)

What if I'm OD'ing?

Rochelle Griffin

and a man I'm proud to call my son, Kade Hammersmith!

(CHEERING)

You're not OD'ing.

But it's a possibility, right?

Gero coke is probably just meth, Rochelle.

You're saying I've done meth? (CHUCKLES)

Ham, I think one of my teeth are loose.

Okay. Let's show 'em Italians do it better.

Zeke Calogeros and Sabrina Moretti.

Calogero.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYS)

(PHONE DINGS)

So, are you gonna make your move?

Look how high her dress goes.

You can see all the way to Cootamundra.

How am I supposed to compete with that?

Do you know why Rocky is here with Kodie?

Because she's a Glug-Glug-3000?

No. Because she asked him.

Shoot your shot.

But what if he's not into me?

It'll ruin our friendship,

and I know this may seem hard for you to believe,

but this stuff is kind of hard for me, OK?

See? You tell a man your fears and they go running.

I thought you were avoiding me.

Look, I just need to say this.

And you don't need to respond but...

Bec, I like you. Huh?

Yeah, I always have.

I don't think I realised it

until I saw how beautiful you look tonight.

And I know I'm probably not your type, but...

What about Kodie?

(CHEERING)

Yeah, I think she'll be fine.

So, what now?

Uh, do we... kiss?

Do you want to?

I don't know. Do you want to?

Oh, for fuck's sake!

SONG: ♪ She's got no idea where you've been

♪ No idea what you've been doin'

♪ You've been living dangerous

♪ You're trying to keep it just our secret

♪ Psst, pass it on, come on and pass it on

♪ Psst, pass it on, come on and pass it on

♪ Goodness, I like this

♪ Mysterious mistress

♪ Keepin' me hush hush

♪ Try not to blush blush

♪ I just can't stop this

♪ It's risky business

♪ Being your mistress

♪ Keepin' me hush

♪ Your girlfriend's got competition

♪ She's got competition

♪ Your girlfriend's got competition

♪ Goodness, I like this, being your mistress

♪ Your girlfriend's got competition

♪ Your girlfriend's got competition

♪ She's got competition

♪ Someone's gotta be the one to tell her that we got it going on

♪ You're keeping me out all night long... ♪

Are you OK? Yeah.

I've just got to go to the bathroom.

Ones or twos? Threes.

(LAUGHS)

What the fuck was that, huh?

What does that mean?

It's a shrug. It means shrug.

So you like her?

Oh, so you get to leave me on read all day

and I've got to, what, answer you straightaway?

Yeah, got it. It's not like we're boyfriends.

Yeah, I guess not.

Wait. Let go of me!

I don't want to!

(SOFTLY) Holy shit! What the f...!

Agh.

Agh. I'm in a K-hole. I need some air.

Wait. Rochelle, come back.

Hammer?

What...?

They were kissing.

Nah. You're just high.

Is this why you wanted to break up with me?

Because you're gay? No.

We weren't kissing.

I saw what I saw.

I'm sorry.

(SOFTLY) That's OK.

You are so fucking done, Hammer.

How fucking dare you treat me like this?

Everyone's gonna know your dirty little secret.

That the perfect little Mayor's son is gay.

Good luck getting into the AFL now.

Come on, Sabrina.

Fuck!

I didn't see anything.

Maybe you just done too much coke.

What?

Prove it.

Are you gaslighting me?

I didn't see anything.

I doubt they're gonna admit to it,

so why would anyone believe you?

You've lied before.

About what?

Your virginity, for one thing.

So now you're slut-shaming me?

I'm not slut-shaming you.

I'm cunt-shaming you.

Because you're a cunt, Rochelle.

Fuck you! No, fuck you!

Oh, wait. Blakey already did that.

(STAMMERS)

(SHRIEKS)

Thank you. Zeke, don't.

Just please don't tell my mum.

Fucking don't.

That was a fucking scene.

Wanna join us?

Wait, so you both have been...?

Yeah. (BOTH LAUGH)

I love that for you, nerd.

You are way messier than I thought.

(BOTH LAUGH)

This new to you too, huh? Yeah.

You'll get used to it. (LAUGHS)

(EXHALES)

(LAUGHS) What a night.

I never thought I'd meet other fags in Gero.

Don't call me that.

If you use the word, you take away its power.

We're not all ready for the label yet.

Feels good though, right?

A little bit, yeah. (LAUGHS)

Can I have a little bit?

Who was your first man crush?

Saint Lawrence.

OTHERS: Eww!

Who was yours?

Gerard Way, of course.

(BOTH LAUGH)

I'd fuck Buddy Franklin. Mm! Oh...

I hear ya. Eww.

What? (LAUGHS)

Go on, who was yours?

Come on. Come on.

You gotta say. We all did.

Come on.

Shannon Noll.

(LAUGHTER) What?! Shannon Noll?

So who else do you think is gay in Gero?

The manager at Chicken Treat always checks me out.

Oh, isn't he married?

That doesn't stop 'em.

Well, there's Grub.

Do you even want to get married?

Like, gay married?

I think I will.

Maybe.

Don't know.

You?

Yeah.

Shannon Noll, really?!

(LAUGHTER)

Hey. You want to get outta here?

Sure. Can you drop me home?

I was thinking maybe I could stay at yours?

A sleepover?

Well, we...

We don't just have to sleep.

We're gonna go!

What?

Are you sure you two don't want a... want a lift?

Uh... Nah, we're good. See ya.

Thanks.

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

Sorry.

What for?

Actually, don't answer that.

(SIGHS)

Thank you for saying sorry.

You want me to say it again?

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

So...

...do you want to be my boyfriend?

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)

♪ The more you know

♪ The more

♪ The more you know

♪ You know! ♪