Original subtitles

(groans)

How many more for the record?

Two more tubs should do it.

There really isn't a category for eating jalapenos,

but I think he's probably suffered enough.

I'm going to tell him in a minute.

(whimpering)

I'm so close to telling him, honest.

(yells)

Ninty-seven...

Really, I'm going to tell him.

(yells)

* Yes, no, maybe

* I don't know

* Can you repeat the question?

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* And you're not so big

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* And you're not so big

* Life is unfair.

Mom, Dad, can we drive out to the country this Saturday

to see the meteor shower?

We only have to go, like, 25 miles to get a good view.

It starts around 2:00 a.m.

How's that again, son?

The meteor shower.

They say it's going

to be the best one in a hundred years.

Sounds science-y.

No, thanks.

Come on, Reese, a meteor shower.

Fireballs zooming around the air,

smashing into the ground right in front of you.

(imitates explosion)

That's not what happens.

Can we ride one?

No! It's 60 miles up,

but it's beautiful and interesting anyway!

Look, if Malcolm needs to do this for some school assignment,

then we're going to do it.

It's not for school.

Then forget it.

We're not getting up at 2:00 a.m.

just to look at stars.

Bran cereal?

Why are you eating that stuff?

You said it tastes like kitty litter.

I'm eating it because I have to stop

gaining weight.

I've turned into a gigantic, fat cow.

Oh, you have not.

Even the doctor said so.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

You're eating for two now.

What kind of doctor doesn't know that?

Hal, he's right.

I'm huge!

And I don't understand how it's happening.

Well, I think you're beautiful no matter what.

Oh, thank you, honey. You're so sweet.

Oh...

Anything I want to do, they don't understand.

And if they do understand, they just make fun of it.

But why should I expect them to be any different

than the rest of the world?

Let's face it-- everyone on this planet

is a brain-dead, butt-scratching half-wit.

Bite... us.

How could you possibly think that the Nimzovich defense

would work against me?

You tried it two games ago,

and I slaughtered you.

You tried it four games ago, and I slaughtered you.

Seriously, how do you find your way home at night?

What...? Where-where you going? What?

Oh, okay!

Who wants to play?

Eddie, come on. I'll tell you what.

I'll hit myself in the head with a rock.

I'll even it out.

No?

Chubbo?

You can eat with one hand, play with the other.

Oh, I can't believe this.

You're all cowards.

Hey, funny-looking kid,

you want to learn how to play chess?

No, thanks.

Come on.

Look, it's not that hard.

See, this one looks like a pretty little horsey.

I know what a knight is.

I also know how to counter a Nimzovich defense

without leaving my queen's bishop wide open.

Your whole left flank was Swiss cheese.

Hey, junior champion.

Read your Kasparov.

The second you go after my bishop,

you can kiss your rook and two pawns bye-bye!

Oh, okay, I get it.

You're scared to play me!

Yeah, I'm really scared of some troll in the park

beating me at chess.

Evidently, you are!

Now you're confusing fear

with pity.

Fear triggers a fight or flight response

while pity allows me

to turn my back and walk away with a sadness

for your misery!

I would've kicked your ass.

All right, that's it.

Couldn't see... that coming.

It's so nice to have the kids out of the...

Dewey!

What are you doing?!

Painting the wall.

What is the matter with you?

Why on earth would you do this?

The baby told me to.

The ba...?

What, this baby?

It chose the color, too.

I would have gone with more of an earth tone.

Look...

Listen, son, I know you're worried about the baby coming,

but you don't have to be.

Yes, you're not going to be the youngest anymore,

and it is true the baby will get all of our attention

for quite a while, and you will have to do a lot more work

around the house, and probably have to share the bathroom...

What your father's trying to say is,

there is no reason for you to be acting out like this.

Now get this mess cleaned up.

And the baby is not talking to you.

It said you'd say that.

Draw.

Draw?

Draw.

Draw.

One more.

No!

It's been four hours!

All right, all right. God.

Who designed these damn cement benches anyway?

Probably some stupid civil servant

never made it through design class.

Now he takes his frustrations out

on the asses of the general public.

What the hell is with that guy?

He is so annoying.

First it's too warm, then it's too cool,

then the pigeons are walking funny.

He didn't shut up for one second.

I mean, give it a try, stop complaining.

No, you want to know the worst thing about him?

He kept picking at his...

Four-nine-seven- three-six-seven...

Stop doing that.

Sorry.

I'll be back in a couple of hours.

Wait. Where you going?

I told you, I'm posing

in Otto's art class tonight.

Posing? As in naked?

Yes. We had this conversation.

No, we haven't.

I remember conversations with the word "naked" in them.

You can't strip in front of Otto.

I'm not spinning my tassels on a runway, Francis.

I'm modeling at an art class.

It's a job.

They pay $250.

OTTO: Piama,

I want to make sure

I have the right pastels.

What color are your nipples?

It's all very tasteful,

which is beside the point,

because, guess what, it's my body,

so you can't tell me what to do with it.

If you're not mature enough

to handle this, then that's your problem.

$250?!

Everything I knew about beauty was a lie.

So this morning, Dewey tried to go to school in his underwear

because apparently the baby doesn't like his wardrobe.

The kid is driving me up the wall,

and I keep gaining weight like crazy.

More than a pound a day.

Nobody gains a pound a day.

It doesn't make any sense.

Ah, I know, honey.

It is baffling,

but look, you've just got to stop obsessing

about this weight thing.

Let me pour you some juice.

I don't want any juice, Hal.

I know what's going on.

You do? Of course I do.

I'm not an idiot.

I-I'm sorry. It's just...

It's because I'm not working.

Huh?

It's obvious, Hal.

I'm not getting the exercise I got

with the other pregnancies.

With the other kids,

I was on my feet all day.

Th-That makes perfect sense.

Celery stick?

My system must be so screwed up.

This celery tastes exactly like bacon.

Honey, listen to me.

Don't make yourself crazy over a few pounds.

You look amazing to me.

No matter how big and round

and jiggly you get.

(phone ringing)

Hello.

Hi, Mom.

Tell the baby I got the stupid pail of sand,

but now the buses have stopped running

so I can't get home.

Dewey?! Where are you?!

I don't know exactly.

Somewhere down by the pier.

You're at the pier?!

Where?

Dewey, listen to me.

You stay right where you are.

We're coming to get you right now.

Okay, but bring another pair of socks.

I stepped in fish guts. Ew.

What is wrong with that kid?

I'm really getting worried.

Let's just stay calm.

We'll get in the car, go pick up some doughnuts,

and we'll figure this out on the way.

Another draw?

(music playing)

Hey, Casey Kasem, why don't you do everybody a favor

and turn that crap down?

It's not loud.

I didn't say it was loud.

I said it was crap.

So, uh, is this all you do every day?

Just hang out in the park

and play chess with strangers?

No.

I also enjoy long walks on the beach and bubble baths.

Of course, I'd have to say my greatest turn-on is honesty.

So basically, the only human contact you have

is playing chess with people who can't stand you?

I hate to burst your little after-school-special bubble,

but I'm not some kind of loser.

I have a perfect life.

I have a great job selling toner over the phone.

I make a few calls-- bing, bang, bing, it's 10:00.

I've got the rest of the day to myself.

You can't possibly make enough money doing that.

I thought you were a little smarter than that, Malcolm.

It's not about money. It's about freedom.

I am my own man.

I do what I want, when I want.

I don't answer to anyone for anything, ever.

Where's my 20 bucks, Leonard?

You said you'd have it on Monday.

Yeah, I have it, It's right here.

I... you know, I was... I was looking for you.

You know, I couldn't find you,

and then I had some important business meetings

that I had to get to, but here... 13, 14...

Um, uh, you take

cigarettes, right?

I quit.

Oh, good for you.

That's so good because, you know,

these things will kill you slow.

Th-That's the truth, you know, and...

and the cost is...

Give him six bucks!

Take it easy, George.

What a dumbass!

Well, I'm afraid time's up, everyone,

but once again, let's thank our models

for their hard work.

Thank you.

I'm just glad I had this opportunity

to give something back.

You were just wonderful, as always.

Well, that's what I do.

Oh, and Piama did well, too, don't you think?

Francis, you have inspired me to new heights.

See how I have captured

the confident power of your torso,

the sheer arrogance of your ass.

PIAMA: Francis,

come on, let's go.

I'm talking to people here, if you don't mind.

Sadly, someone's doing this with his soul,

and somebody isn't.

Hi, Mom.

Hi, Dewey.

(van door closes, engine starts)

LOIS: You get in that house right now, mister!

The baby did not tell you to drive the car!

Well, it didn't exactly use the word "car."

It called it a "go machine," but that's what it meant.

What's this?

Somebody had a birthday at the office,

and nobody ate it because it's "fat-free."

How come it doesn't say "happy birthday" or anything?

Well, you know, office politics, but you wouldn't believe

how PC some of these jerks can get.

*

*

Look at this.

I'm looking.

You're really improving, Rubio.

You've stopped making the "vroom" noises

when you move your pieces.

Hey, Leonard.

Oh, you got to see this.

Physically hurts, doesn't it?

Listen, I was talking to this guy I know.

I got you a job interview.

What the hell are you talking about?

You are a miserable person.

You barely have a job, and you're completely dysfunctional

when it comes to communicating with people.

And that's my fault?

It's not everyone else in the world?

It doesn't have to be like that.

If you have a job where you're around people,

you can get used to each other and maybe turn things around.

Forget it. I'm not wasting my time

on some stupid job interview because you have

some desperate need to save yourself through me.

Why don't you invest some of that neurotic energy

in confronting your own fear of failure?

Oh, goodness, the clouds have parted,

and I can now commit to a new life,

thanks to your Oprah-esque psychological insights.

And now you're trying to invalidate the real issue

by dancing around it with what you think

is clever wordplay.

Screw this.

I'll play you for it.

Why bother? We draw every game.

Not this time. Fine.

But if you don't win,

you never bring this crap up again.

You're on.

Where's my money, Leonard?

George, uh, I got it, uh, just the other...

Run!

So, how much does this job pay?

What are you doing?

Can you hold these for a second?

Sure.

What's this for, anyway?

You'll see.

Are you crazy?

It wasn't my idea.

The baby told me to.

Wait a minute-- Mom's baby?

You think Mom's baby talks to you?

Yes!

It's telling me to do all these crazy things.

Let me give you a little advice.

You've got to ignore the voices.

They are not on your side, and you never tell

anyone about them-- especially your teachers.

They get panicky for no reason.

You understand?

I think so. Attaboy.

You're going to be okay.

This is a terrible idea.

No, this is just what you need.

Remember? A job, people, a life.

But why here?

Because this is the only guy I know

that would trade a job interview

for a Hong Kong Fooey lunch box.

Greetings, Earthlings.

You've got to be kidding me.

Trust me, I know it's going to be hard,

but if you can just keep your mouth shut

for five minutes with this guy, you're home free.

I'm waiting, princess.

(growling)

My résumé.

(chuckles) Forget this.

You can't learn anything from a résumé.

So, tell me about your employment history.

Well, I...

Interesting. You know, I like to think of Lucky Aide

as a kind of family, and in this family,

I'd be your father,

and as a father,

there might be things

I might ask of you that don't make sense,

but you do it because I'm your father.

No sassing back, just do it.

Understand?

Think so.

Now,

who are you in this family?

Are you the second cousin?

Or maybe the kooky aunt?

Well, you know, I've always kind of seen myself

in the role of the younger brother--

eager to learn.

I never had a brother.

Well, I'm here.

We can get started in a moment.

Francis, I-I didn't call you.

Yes, I noticed.

I can't do your job and mine, Gloria.

What? There's no Camembert?

You expect me to have my wine without any Camembert?

That ruins my entire aesthetic!

Francis... Forget it.

I'll work without cheese.

Who is this?

That's Jeremy, our model for the evening.

That's why I didn't call you.

OTTO: Francis,

we have already sketched your fabulous haunches,

and now it is time for us to examine

the interplay of light and shadow on Jeremy's love handles.

That's it?

That's how it ends?

You just casually discard me like yesterday's fish?

After you've sucked out the essence of my soul?

Francis, please, try to understand.

No, I don't understand!

I let you see every color in the spectrum of my being,

and you have rejected it!

Someday, you'll realize what you turned your back on,

and you will curse yourself

for your banality and your shortsightedness,

but by then it will be too late because I will be gone!

Yes, gone!

Um... can I have my robe?

Craig's been yammering nonstop for almost an hour.

He even made Leonard follow him into the bathroom,

but Leonard's tough.

Now, let's talk about respect--

not self-respect but respect for one's superiors.

Now I remember a time... think quick!

That's just a little

management test I came up with

to see whether you're the type of person

who confronts problems head-on or avoids them.

Which one were you?

Both.

Good.

And I see that you have no spine.

Welcome aboard.

Come back in an hour,

and we'll get you a trainee vest and a name tag.

Congratulations. I knew you could do it.

Oh, my God, that guy is an idiot.

You only had to do an interview with him.

Trying having dinner with that jackass

and his stupid cat.

The cat can't be any stupider than this guy.

This moron just tried to use a Barbie doll

to explain the hygiene procedures.

Brother, huh?

I think I'll stay an only child, thank you.

Mom! Dad!

Dewey!

(both gasp)

Oh, right.

I have had it with you, Dewey.

I have enough on my mind without having to deal with this!

But the baby says...

Listen to me.

That baby is not talking to you.

Honey, just try to calm down, okay?

I'll make you some tea.

You have to stop using this

as an excuse to get attention,

because it is not going to work!

Now, I don't want to hear another word

about you talking to that baby, understand?

The baby says to turn around.

What?

(gasps)

Hal.

Well, you don't take yours with maple syrup?

Craig was pretty upset.

He wouldn't come out of the photo booth for two hours.

Where's Leonard?

Has anyone seen Leonard?

He told me to give this to you.

"Malcolm, I moved away,

"but I want to thank you

"for confirming everything I said

"about people being giant jackasses.

"One day you'll understand.

People like us will never belong."

What does he mean, "people like us"?

What? I hate when you do that.

If you have something to say, just say it.

That is so annoying.