Original subtitles

Rig ht, Ba ld rick. Let's try aga i n, sha ll we?

Th is is ca lled "add i ng " .

If I have two bea ns,

a nd then, I add two more bea ns, what do I have?

Some bea ns.

Yes, a nd no.

Let's try aga i n, sha ll we? I have two bea ns,

then I add two more bea ns. What does that ma ke?

A very sma ll casserole.

Ba ld rick, the a pe creatu res of the Ind us have mastered th is.

N ow, try aga i n .

One, two, th ree, fou r! So, how ma ny a re there?

-Th ree. -What?

And that one.

Th ree a nd that one !

So, if I add that one to the th ree, what wi ll I have?

Oh ! Some bea ns.

Yes. Dea r Ba ld rick,

the Rena issa nce was j ust someth i ng

that ha ppened to other people, wasn 't it?

Ed m u nd, Ed m u nd, come q u ickly, the Queen wa nts to see you !

-What? -I sa id, " Ed m u nd, Ed m u nd come q u ickly,

-"the Queen wa nts. . . " - Please, let me fi n ish !

What a re you wea ri ng rou nd you r neck?

Ah ! It's my new ruff!

You look li ke a bi rd who's swa llowed a plate, Percy.

It's the latest fash ion, actua lly. And, as a matter of fact,

it ma kes me look rather sexy.

To a nother plate-swa llowi ng bi rd, perha ps,

if it was bli nd a nd had n 't had it i n months.

I th i n k you may be wrong .

You ' re a sad la ug ha ble fig u re, a ren 't you, Percy?

What do you th i n k of Percy's ruff, Ba ld rick?

- Fou r. -What?

Some bea ns a nd some bea ns is fou r bea ns.

N o. N o, we've moved from adva nced mathematics,

we' re onto elementa ry d ressma ki ng .

What do you th i n k of Percy's ruff?

I th i n k he looks li ke a bi rd who's swa llowed a plate, my lord .

N o, that's what I th i n k, that's what I th i n k.

What do you th i n k? Try to have a thoug ht of you r own, Ba ld rick.

Th i n ki ng is so i m porta nt. What do you th i n k?

I th i n k th i n ki ng is so i m porta nt, my lord .

I g ive u p!

-I' m off to see the Queen . -Oh, sha ll I come too, my lord?

N o, best not. People m ig ht th i n k we' re friends.

Stay here with Ba ld rick.

Bi rd-neck a nd bi rd-bra i n . Shou ld get on li ke a house on fi re.

Grey, I suspect, Majesty.

I th i n k you ' ll fi nd it was ora nge, Lord Melchett!

Grey is more usua l, ma 'a m .

Who's Queen?

As you say, Majesty, there were these mag n ificent ora nge elepha nts...

-Mi lady, you wished to see me? - (S H RI EKS)

Yes, Ed m u nd, Lord Melchett has bad news.

Lord Melchett is bad news, m i lady.

(LAUG HI N G)

N o, be serious!

Melchett!

U n ha ppi ly, Blackadder, the Lord H ig h Executioner

is dead .

Oh, woe.

Mu rdered, of cou rse?

Odd ly enoug h, no. They usua lly a re, but th is one

j ust got ca reless one n ig ht

a nd sig ned h is na me on the wrong dotted li ne.

They ca me for h i m wh i le he slept.

H e shou ld have told them they had the wrong ma n .

H e d id, but, you see, they d id n 't.

They had the rig ht ma n a nd they had the form to prove it.

(SCO FFS) Bloody red ta pe, eh?

And the bad news?

The bad news is that, actua lly, there a re si m ply h u nd reds of Catholics

who desperately wa nt thei r heads sn icked off

a nd there's no one to orga n ise it.

Well, I pity the poor sod who gets the job.

N o one ever su rvives it more tha n a week.

I have ta ken the li berty, ma 'a m,

of d rawi ng u p a list of su ita ble ca nd idates.

Oh, good, oh ! Let's hea r it!

(CLEARS TH ROAT) List for the post of Lord H ig h Executioner.

Lord Blackadder...

(BOTH CH UCKLI N G)

Ha !

Rig ht then, let's ta ke a look, sha ll we?

Who's fi rst i nto the head basket then?

Ad m i ra l Lord Effi ng ha m a nd Si r Fra ncis Dra ke on Monday.

-That shou ld d raw a crowd . - H m m?

Well, sa i li ng enth usiasts.

Oh, yes! Better ma ke su re

there's a few a nchors a nd th i ngs on the souven i r sta ll.

Aye-aye, si r.

N ever, ever try to be fu n ny i n my presence aga i n, Percy.

Rig ht, Bucki ng ha m a nd Ponson by on Friday.

Oh, wa it a m i n ute, Fa rrow on Wed nesday?

Who's Fa rrow when he's not havi ng h is head cut off?

Er, Ja mes Fa rrow. Pleasa nt bloke from Dorchester.

Don 't know h i m . N ever wi ll, either.

-Yes, a nd he goes on Wed nesday. - H m m .

It's not rig ht, thoug h, is it?

Well, no ! I mea n, now you come to mention it, my lord,

there was a bsolutely no evidence aga i nst you ng Fa rrow at a ll!

It's was a n outrageous travesty of j ustice !

N o ! I mea n it's not rig ht he shou ld be on Wed nesday

when we cou ld stick h i m i n on Monday a nd have ha lf the week off.

-Oh, I see. Yes, that's fi ne. - Pop h i m i n on Monday.

Rig ht. Good . Five dead i n two days. N ot a bad sta rt.

Oh, yes, Percy, a nd the new ruff...

- Better? -Worse.

Fash ion today is towa rds the ti ny.

Well, i n that case, Percy, you have the most fash iona ble bra i n i n London .

(LAUG HS)

Rig ht, good morn i ng, tea m .

My na me is Ed m u nd Blackadder

a nd I' m the new m i n ister i n cha rge of relig ious genocide.

N ow, if you play stra ig ht with me, you ' ll fi nd me a considerate em ployer.

But cross me, a nd you ' ll soon d iscover

that u nder th is playtu l, boyish exterior,

beats the hea rt of a ruth less, sad istic ma n iac.

- N ow, my ma n, you a re? -Ja i Ier, si r. My lord .

Good . Well done. And you r na me is?

Ploppy, si r.

- Ploppy? -Yes, si r.

- Ploppy the ja i Ier. -That's rig ht, si r.

Ploppy, son of Ploppy.

Ploppy, son of Ploppy, the ja i Ier.

Ah, no, si r. I a m the fi rst Ploppy to rise to be ja i Ier.

My father, Daddy Ploppy, was known as Ploppy the slopper.

It was from h i m that I i n herited my fasci nati ng ski n d iseases.

Yes. You a re to be. . . You a re to be cong ratu lated, my friend .

We live i n a n age where i llness a nd deform ity a re com mon place,

a nd yet, Ploppy, you a re, without a dou bt,

the most repu Isive i nd ivid ua l I've ever met.

I wou ld sha ke you r ha nd but I fea r it wou ld come off.

There's no ma ny bosses wou ld be that considerate, si r.

Tha n k you, Ploppy. I do my best.

N ow then, woma n, if i ndeed, you a re a woma n,

-what is you r fu nction on death row? -I' m the last mea l cook, si r.

The prisoners may ask me for what they fa ncy for thei r last mea l...

And you cook for them what they desi re.

Oh, yes, si r. Provided they ask for sa usages.

Otherwise, they tend to get a ti ny bit d isa ppoi nted .

Sa usages is a ll I got.

You a re clea rly a woma n of pri nci ple a nd com passion, Mistress...

- Ploppy, si r. -So you a re ma rried to...

N o ! Ma ny people th i n k that, but it's pu re coi ncidence.

We d id la ug h when fi rst we fou nd out.

"Good morn i ng, Mistress Ploppy", he'd say,

a nd I'd say, "Good morn i ng, Mr Ploppy" !

(LAUG HI N G)

The long wi nter even i ngs m ust j ust fly by.

Ah ! And you m ust be the boy who ma kes the tea .

Ah ! N o, si r, no. H e's the executioner.

- But he does someti mes ma ke the tea . -Yes.

And you r na me is?

Ba ld rick, my lord .

But I' ll cha nge it to Ploppy if it wi ll ma ke th i ngs easier.

N o, tha n k you, I ca n cope with more tha n one na me.

What a re you doi ng here?

Well, it's a hobby.

It wou ld be more fu n, si r, if he were to cha nge h is na me.

Give the place a more fa m i ly atmosphere.

Fa m i ly atmosphere? Th is is mea nt to be a place of pa i n a nd m isery a nd sorrow.

That's what I mea n, si r.

Mistress Ploppy's a bit of a socia l rea list, si r.

N ow then, we' re goi ng to ru n a fast, efficient operation

a nd I i ntend to do as little work as possi ble.

My deputy, Percy, here, wi ll expla i n .

(CLEARS TH ROAT)

Good afternoon, staff. My na me is Lord Percy,

a nd if you play fa i r by me, you wi ll fi nd me a considerate em ployer,

but if you cross me, by jove...

J ust tell 'em the pla n, d uck face.

-My Lord, not i n front of the staff. -Get on with it.

Rig ht, staff, as you know,

we a re sched u led to execute Dra ke a nd Effi ng ha m on Monday,

Lord Fa rrow on Wed nesday,

a nd Bucki ng ha m a nd Ponson by on Friday.

But, i n order to g ive us the m idd le of the week off,

Lord Blackadder has decided to move Fa rrow to Monday.

ALL: Oh .

Let's j ust say he's got ti me off for good behaviou r.

(ALL LAUG HI N G)

-WOMAN : You r Majesty! -Yes, Lady Fa rrow?

My h usba nd d ies tomorrow.

I beseech you, even if you ca n not save h is life...

Wh ich I don 't th i n k either of us wou ld wa nt,

seei ng as how he's a horri ble tra itor.

Of cou rse not, you r Majesty.

But if he m ust d ie, may I see h i m?

But, of cou rse.

What's she aski ng me for?

Why doesn 't she j ust go a long to the execution with everyone else?

N o, you r Majesty, I don 't believe she wa nts to see h i m d ie.

I believe she wa nts to see h i m before he d ies.

- H ow odd ! -Majesty?

She's not seen h i m . I wou ld n 't ma rry someone I had never seen .

You shou ld ta ke ma rriage a bit more seriously next ti me.

(SO B BI N G)

Oh, come now, Lady Fa rrow,

cryi ng isn 't goi ng to help you r h usba nd now.

N o. Oi ntment. That's what you need when you r head 's been cut off.

That's what I gave you r sister, Ma ry, when they done her.

"There, there, " I sa id . "You ' ll soon g row a new one. "

Sh ut u p, N u rsie ! Of cou rse you may see you r h usba nd, my dea r,

a nd if that horrid old Ed m u nd tries to stop you, g ive h i m th is.

It's a wa rra nt for h is own execution .

Oh, tha n k you, ma 'a m .

May flig hts of a ngels si ng you to you r rest.

Yes, I' m su re they wi ll.

(SIG HS)

H u p, h u p, h u p, h u p, h u p, h u p, h u p!

H u p!

-So, they' re a ll dead, a re they? -Yep! All th ree.

Dra ke, Effi ng ha m, Fa rrow.

Splend id . Any i nteresti ng last words?

Well, Fa rrow was rather movi ng, my lord .

A g reat, strong ma n, he stood there, ga u nt a nd noble

i n the ea rly morn i ng m ist, a nd i n a loud, clea r voice he cried out,

"My wife m ig ht have bloody well tu rned u p! "

Ha ! She's proba bly shacked u p with some new pa i r of tig hts a lready.

Rig ht. Well, u n less Lord Percy has a nyth i ng to add,

you lot ca n a m use you rselves

i n whatever fou l, depraved way you feel fit ti ll Friday.

-Tha n k you . -Tha n k you, si r.

(CLEARS TH ROAT)

Well, staff, er, I've got a few notes on today's show.

-On the whole, I was i m pressed . -They've gone, Percy.

(S PUTTERI N G) Er, tea m, tea m?

My lord, there is a lady outside to see you .

-Oh, is she pretty? -I don 't know. What do you th i n k?

I don 't know, do I? I haven 't seen her yet!

-Ma ke you rself sca rce, Ba ld rick. -Oh, a ll rig ht.

Good even i ng, Lord Blackadder.

Well, it certa i n ly is now.

- (DOO R CLOSI N G) - Perha ps you 'd li ke to...

sli p i nto someth i ng more comforta ble.

N o, my lord, for there is a g reat pa i n i n my hea rt.

It's proba bly i nd igestion . I' ll soon ta ke you r m i nd off that.

It is my h usba nd !

You r h usba nd 's got i nd igestion ! Well, he won 't be botheri ng us, then .

N o. H e d ies tomorrow.

Oh come, you ca n 't d ie of i nd igestion . You ' re overd ra matisi ng ...

H e is to be executed at you r order.

I a m Lady Fa rrow.

Ah ! And what exactly d id you wa nt of me?

I wish to see my h usba nd ton ig ht.

N ot rea lly possi ble, actua lly.

(SO B BI N G)

Excuse me, j ust a second, j ust a second . Ba ld rick!

-My lord? -That Fa rrow bloke you executed today,

a re you su re he's dead?

Well, I chopped h is head off. That usua lly does the trick.

Don 't get clever with me, Ba ld rick. I j ust thoug ht you m ig ht have

lopped off a leg or someth i ng by m ista ke.

- N o, the th i ng I chopped off had a nose. - Fi ne.

I' m so sorry. I've j ust been consu lti ng my lega l people

a nd, I' m afra id there rea lly is no cha nce of a meeti ng .

But the Queen told me it wou ld be a llowed .

- Rea lly? -Yes,

a nd that if you sa id no, I shou ld g ive you th is.

(CH UCKLES N ERVOUS LY)

Fi ne ! Fi ne ! Absolutely!

Why not?

Rig ht, Ba ld rick. Is that a ll clea r?

Yes, erm, I've ki lled someone I shou ld n 't have ki lled,

a nd now you wa nt me to put a lady on my head a nd ta lk to h is old bag .

N o, I wa nt you to put a bag on you r head a nd ta lk to h is old lady.

Well, why do I wa nt a bag on my head?

In order, n i ncom poop, that she shou ld believe that you ' re her h usba nd .

What, d id he used to wea r a bag on h is head?

You ng Ploppy here has a poi nt, my lord . Lord Fa rrow never wore a bag .

H e was a n old-fash ioned sort of a gent.

Look...

Well, yes, my lord . I mea n, I had n 't mea nt to mention it

but I have been wonderi ng a ll a long,

why you shou ld th i n k that Ba ld rick with a bag on h is head

is gon na be a dead ri nger for Lord Fa rrow, beca use he's not!

Look, creti ns, the bag is there i n order to obscu re Ba ld rick's own featu res,

a nd ma ny m ig ht th i n k, i ncidenta lly, that that wou ld be

reason enoug h for h i m to wea r it.

Before I bri ng i n Lady Fa rrow, I sha ll expla i n to her,

i nventi ng some cu n n i ng ly pla usi ble excuse,

that her h usba nd has ta ken to wea ri ng a bag .

She ca n then chat to Ba ld rick,

i mag i n i ng h i m to be the ma n that she ma rried

a nd the Queen need never know of my little m isca lcu lations.

-Why, my lord, that is a bri llia nt pla n . - Foolproof!

-You ' re very ki nd . -Althoug h there is someth i ng lu rki ng

at the back of my head that bothers me.

It's proba bly a flea .

You r Lordsh i p, Lady Fa rrow awa its you r pleasu re.

All rig ht, okay. Qu ick, q u ick!

Ah !

Lady Fa rrow! What a rea l pleasu re it is to see you aga i n .

It is my beloved that I sha ll be pleased to see.

Well, q u ite, q u ite.

Thoug h, I shou ld wa rn you that he wi ll not be q u ite as you knew h i m .

You fiend ! What have you done to h i m?

We have put a bag over h is head .

Why?

Well, the th i ng is you see,

none of the other prisoners have such sha pely widows...

Er, wives, I shou ld say.

And, therefore, i n the i nterests of the mora le of the condem ned com m u n ity,

you r h usba nd has nobly ag reed to wea r a bag .

It was either that or have a ll the other prisoners i n there with you .

H ow li ke h i m to ma ke such a gestu re !

Yes, yes. Well, I' ll j ust go check he's bagged u p. Won 't be a m i n ute.

Rig ht, Ba lders, th is is it!

-My lord ! -Oh, what is it now, Ploppy?

I have located my nagg i ng dou bt.

It's a sma ll poi nt, but I do now reca ll

that Lord Fa rrow was considera bly ta ller,

more tha n a ya rd ta ller tha n you ng Ploppy here.

Ug h . If you wa nt someth i ng done properly,

you 've got to do it you rself, haven 't ya? Anyth i ng else I shou ld know?

Oh, yes, he had a very deep voice. . . Big, deep, boom i ng voice.

So, q u ite li ke m i ne, then .

N o, my lord, a big, deep, boom i ng voice.

Mi ne's q u ite deep.

N ot li ke h is. And, i n fact,

Lord Fa rrow was ta ller even tha n you, my lord .

Oh, a g ia nt of a ma n .

Yes, a ll rig ht, a ll rig ht, don 't ru b it i n .

Percy, you 'd better go a nd have a nother word with her.

-Go on, go on ! - Er...

Erm, sorry a bout the delay, mada m .

Er, as you know, you a re a bout to meet you r h usba nd,

whom you wi ll recog n ise

on accou nt of the fact that he has got a bag over h is head .

Oh, I wou ld know my da rli ng a nywhere !

Well, yes, there a re a cou ple of other th i ngs.

I a m prepa red for the fact that he may have lost some weig ht.

Yes, a nd some heig ht.

Oh !

That's the i nteresti ng th i ng .

Er, you ' ll proba bly ha rd ly recog n ise h i m at a ll, actua lly!

You ' ll be telli ng me h is a rm 's g rown back next.

Er...

'Scuse, j ust for a sec!

H e's on ly got one a rm .

B LACKAD D ER: Oh, well, I' ll j ust have to stick it i nside the sh i rt.

Wh ich one?

- Er. . . -Wh ich one?

-Wh ich one? - Ha ng on ! Ha ng on !

(S PUTTERI N G) H ow do we know you ' re h is wife?

-What? -Well, you know, you cou ld be a g loater.

I beg pa rdon?

You know, a g loater, er. . . Come to g loat over the condem ned ma n .

I mea n, we' re u p to ou r ea rs i n g loaters here.

"Ca n I come i n for a g loat?" they say.

We shout back, "Oh, you hea rtless g loaters! "

(SO B BI N G)

All rig ht. All rig ht. All rig ht.

Tell you what. I' ll believe you ' re not a g loater if you tell me

wh ich a rm he hasn 't got.

H is left, of cou rse !

- N ow let me see my h usba nd ! - Rig ht!

It's the left! Good luck!

B LACKAD D ER: Gloaters! You rea lly a re a prat, a ren 't you, Percy?

Rig ht, now don 't forget, i n two m i n utes you i nterru pt me, a ll rig ht?

And no more tha n two m i n utes,

otherwise I' m i n rea l trou ble, a nd don 't forget beca use...

Beca use we' re not at home to Mr Cock-u p.

Correct. (S NAPS FI N G ERS)

- Remem ber the voice, my lord . -Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

(D EEP ENS VOICE) Enter!

-Ja mes? -My da rli ng .

- H ow a re you? -Oh, fi ne, fi ne.

Food 's not bad, a pa rt from the sa usages.

You r voice is somehow d ifferent.

-Oh? H ow? -Somehow lig hter!

N ot as deep nor boom i ng as once it was.

(D EEP ENS VOICE FU RTH ER) Is that better?

-Oh, my da rli ng ! Oh ! - (G RU NTI N G)

Ca ll me by that na me you a lways ca lled me

to show you r love is sti ll strong .

Er, yes. Er, look, do you th i n k th is is q u ite the ti me a nd the place

-for that sort of th i ng? - Please.

Erm, th is is the specific, secret little na me that I a lways used to ca ll you .

You wa nt to be ca lled it aga i n, is that rig ht?

Yes, the one. . . The one li ke, "You r little pu m pki n " .

The one li ke, "You r little pu m pki n " .

But not actua lly, "You r little pu m pki n " .

N o.

Er, rig ht then, my little pu m pki n ny-wh u m pki n ny!

Oh, my da rli ng ! Oh ! You r a rm !

-What's wrong with it? -What ha ppened to it?

Oh . . . Well, I' m rather h u rt you don 't remem ber you rself, i n fact.

But it was on ly cut off at the elbow!

-Aa h ! -What ha ppened to the rest?

Ah, yes, well, I got i nto a scra p here with a fellow who ca lled you,

"A nosey little stru m pet who's a lways

-"goi ng blu bbi ng to the Queen " . -Oh !

And we got i nto a fig ht a nd he cut off the top ha lf.

Oh ! Alas!

Ah, yes, gosh, well, I th i n k you 'd better be goi ng .

Lord Blackadder sa id he was goi ng to be

send i ng i n h is serva nt Ba ld rick to collect me.

Perha ps, my lord, he is leavi ng us for a little longer.

Oh, no, I shou ld n 't th i n k so. Ba ld rick! H e's usua lly very pu nctua l.

Perha ps th is Ba ld rick is doi ng it out of ki nd ness.

Oh, no, I shou ld n 't th i n k so. Ba ld rick! H e's a very u n ki nd person .

Well, then, let us lea p on the moment

that we've been g iven a nd use it to its fu ll.

-What? - Let me do th is last th i ng for you .

What wife cou ld do more?

What? Oh, I see !

- Rig ht, that's it, ti me's u p! - B LACKAD D ER: N o, it isn 't!

Yes, it is. Come on . Ti me's u p.

What? We've had so little ti me !

May we fi n ish what we bega n i n pa rad ise. Fa rewell.

Fa rewell.

Ba ld rick, you basta rd !

Utter basta rd !

That was the fi rst ti me ever, i n my whole life.

I've been on th is pa ltry, bori ng pla net for 30 yea rs, a nd that's the fi rst ti me

a nyone has ever...

But do not despa i r, my lord .

You r brother petitions the Queen tomorrow morn i ng .

-There may sti ll be hope. - B LACKAD D ER: What?

(SIG HS)

Sha ll I prepa re the g uest room for Mr Cock-u p, my lord?

Oh, yes, a ll rig ht, then . Let h i m off.

H e proba bly is i n nocent, a nyway.

My lady! May the heavens ra i n down rad ia nt jewels a nd sweetmeats u pon you !

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

-And may cheru bi m a nd sera ph i m . . . -Out!

-Mi lady, a bout Lord Fa rrow. . . - (SQU EALS) I've let h i m off.

N o, no, no, you ca n 't.

H e's a com plete cad of the fi rst water.

"Ca n 't" is not a word for pri nces, Lord Blackadder.

H ow very true, you r Majesty!

Anyway, I won 't be a rg ued with, wi ll I, N u rsie?

Well, someti mes, my da rli ng, when you wa nt someth i ng very na ug hty...

N o, you won 't be a rg ued with, a bsolutely not.

Precisely! So, Lord Blackadder,

I wa nt to see Lord Fa rrow here i n one hou r.

Mea nwh i le, I sha ll spend the ti me visiti ng my old friend, Lord Ponson by,

who, I believe, I' m havi ng ki lled on Friday.

Come on, N u rsie.

Let's see if there a re a ny good heads i n tra itor's cloister on the way.

Percy, th is is a very d ifficu lt situation .

Yes, my lord .

Someone's for the chop.

-You or me, i n fact. -Yes.

Let's face facts, Perce. It's you .

- Except, except I may have a pla n . -Oh, yes?

Er, er, how a bout if we get Lord Fa rrow's head a nd body,

a nd we ta ke it to the Queen,

except, except, j ust before we get i n, we sta rt shouti ng a nd screa m i ng,

a nd then we come i n sayi ng,

"We were j ust on ou r way, when he sa id someth i ng tra itorous

"a nd so we cut h is head off i n the corridor to teach h i m a lesson . "

Pathetic! Absolutely pathetic! Contem pti ble !

Worth a try! Where d id we put the head?

It's on a spi ke i n tra itor's cloister.

Oh, God, well, that's where the Queen 's gone !

Did she know Fa rrow?

Oh, yes, they were ch i ld hood friends.

Well, if she sees h is head on a spi ke, she' ll rea lise he's dead !

-Yes. -You fix the body. I' ll cover the head .

Oh ! H ello, Ed m u nd .

Look, I' m sorry I sna pped at you j ust now.

-Oh . . . -You know I' m rea lly very keen

on you i ndeed, don 't you?

Oh, yes, ma 'a m !

-As you were keen on Essex. - Exactly!

Rig ht u p to the poi nt at wh ich you had h is head cut off.

(LAUG HS) H e d id n 't m i nd that! H e knew it was on ly little me.

And I m ust say, h is head d id look jolly su per on its spi ke.

-Are there no heads on spi kes today? - Erm, no.

N o !

We' re tra i n i ng u p ou r new executioner, a nd he's a little i m matu re.

It ta kes h i m forever. Slash, slash, slash !

By the ti me he's fi n ished, you don 't so m uch need a spi ke as a toast rack.

I li ke toast. Sti ll, m ust be off to say bye-bye to Ponson by.

Wou ld you ca re to stroll with me awh i le?

J ust if you 've got ti me, if you ' re not too busy.

N o, sorry, ma 'a m, affa i rs of...

I sa id, "Wou ld you ca re to stroll with me awh i le?

"J ust if you 've got ti me, if you ' re not too busy! "

Yes! It wou ld ma ke the decade worthwh i le !

And i n Genoa, 'tis now the fash ion to pi n a live frog to the shou lder bra id,

sta nd on a bucket a nd go, " Bi bble ! " at passers-by.

Oh ! Ou r Ita lia n cousi ns!

Well, if you ' ll excuse me, ma 'a m, I have got some busi ness to attend to.

Certa i n ly! But fi rst, Ed m u nd,

ta ke my ha nd ! Tell me you ' ll forg ive my former sha rpness.

Erm ...

Mi lady!

Sweet Lord Blackadder!

Oh, Percy!

Well, I've got the body, my lord, a nd I see you 've got the head .

Yes, but look, it's no good, Percy.

N o one's ever goi ng to believe we've j ust cut it off. It's gone g reen !

-We' re doomed . - Doomed !

-Oh, wa it a moment! That's not Fa rrow! -Isn 't it?

N o, that's Ponson by!

My God ! Ponson by! (KISS ES)

That gen i us Ba ld rick has ki lled the wrong bloke.

-We' re saved ! -Saved !

-The Fa rrow's a live a nd we' re saved ! - H ooray!

And, when the Queen gets back from seei ng Ponson by, we' ll...

Oh, God !

P ERCY: Oh ! We' re doomed ! We' re doomed !

It's not very n ice here, is it?

Oh, it's not mea nt to be, my pi kelet.

Th is is where a ll the horrid people who don 't li ke you live.

I su ppose so. It's a bit smelly too, isn 't it?

(CH UCKLES) Of cou rse, I' m used to that.

In the morn i ngs when you were a little ba by...

Sh ut u p, N u rsie !

You ! N o, not you, you ' re too repu Isive. You !

Yes, you r roya l, majestic H ig h ness.

Bri ng i n Lord Ponson by!

Yes, you r roya l, majestic th i ng .

So stra nge Ponson by tu rned out to be a tra itor.

You wou ld have thoug ht he had problems enoug h, what with that h u nch,

a nd on ly havi ng one leg .

Yes, a nd that terri ble speech problem .

You r Majesty, Lord Ponson by.

(LOU D CRAS HI N G)

(S LU RRI N G S P EECH ) You r roya l Majesty.

Sorry a bout the bag ! Did n 't have ti me to shave !

His great-grandfather was a king

AIthough for only Ø seconds

When Put in charge of beheading

He felt that fame andglory beckoned

BIackadder, BIackadder

No such blooming Iuckl

BIackadder, BIackadder

EIizabethan schmuckl

BIackadder, BIackadder

Nothing goes as PIanned

BIackadder, BIackadder

Life deals him a bum hand