Original subtitles

(G ROANI N G)

- Father. . . I m ust spea k. - Eh?

I ca n be si lent no longer.

All day long, you m utter to you rself,

g i bber, d ri bble, moa n,

a nd bash you r head aga i nst the wa ll yelli ng, "I wa nt to d ie ! "

N ow, you may say I' m lea pi ng to conclusions, but...

You ' re not com pletely ha ppy, a re you?

It's mother, isn 't it?

N o, it's not!

You ' re brood i ng over her death, a ren 't you?

Kate, for the fi na l ti me, you r mother is not dead !

She's ru n off with you r U ncle H en ry.

Dea r father, I know you on ly say such th i ngs to comfort me.

You r mother is a live a nd well a nd livi ng i n Droitwich !

It's not her I brood over.

I' m sad beca use, my da rli ng,

ou r poverty has now reached such extremes

that I ca n no longer afford to keep us,

a nd m ust look to my own dea r,

ti ny da rli ng to susta i n me i n my fra i l dotage.

- But, Father, su rely. . . -Yes, Kate...

I wa nt you to become a prostitute.

- N ever, Father! - Do you defy me?

Oh, i ndeed I do !

For it is better to d ie poor tha n to live i n sha me a nd ig nom i ny.

N o, it isn 't!

I a m you ng a nd strong a nd clever.

My nose is pretty.

I' ll fi nd a nother way to ea rn us a livi ng .

Oh, please, go on the ga me !

It's a steady job.

And you 'd be worki ng from home.

Good bye, Father.

I sha ll go to London, d isg u ise myself as a boy a nd seek my fortu ne !

Why wa lk a ll the way to London

when you ca n ma ke a fortu ne lyi ng on you r back?

Oh ! Very good shot, my lord .

Tha n k you, Ba ld rick.

Sorry I' m late.

Oh, don 't bother a polog isi ng . I' m sorry you ' re a live.

(CH UCKLES)

Ah, good, I see the ta rget's ready.

I'd li ke to see the Spa n ia rd who cou ld ma ke h is way past me.

Go to Spa i n, there a re m i llions of them .

I'd advise them to stay there, then .

Keep thei r ha nds off ou r women !

Oh, God ! Who is she th is ti me?

I don 't know what you mea n .

Ow!

Ah ! And who is Ja ne?

I a m sworn to secrecy.

Tortu re me, ki ll me, you sha ll never know!

- (TH U D) -Ow!

Ja ne Ha rri ngton .

-Aa h . -We a re very m uch i n love, my lord .

-Th is is the Ja ne Ha rri ngton? -Yes!

Ja ne " Bu ry me i n a Y-sha ped coffi n " Ha rri ngton?

I...

I th i n k, maybe there a re two Ja ne Ha rri ngtons.

- N o. Ta ll, blonde, elega nt? -Aye, that's rig ht.

Goes li ke a privy door when the plag ue's i n town?

My lord !

Come on, get on with you r shot.

You ' ll get over her.

I d id .

(EXHALES)

So d id Ba ld rick, actua lly.

(CRI ES I N PAI N )

Da m n !

You see, she's got th is th i ng a bout bea rds, a ppa rently.

Well, i n that case, I' m goi ng to shave.

Bad luck, Ba lders.

N ot to worry, my lord, the a rrow d id n 't i n fact enter my body.

Oh, good .

N o, by a thousa nd to one cha nce, my wi lly got i n the way.

Extraord i na ry!

Yea h, I'd on ly j ust put it there, but now I wi ll leave it there forever.

Qu ite so, Ba ld rick. It ca n be you r lucky wi lly.

Yes, my lord . Yea rs from now, I' ll show it to my g ra ndch i ld ren .

Ba ld rick, havi ng the g ra ndch i ld ren may now be out of the q uestion .

(BALD RICK G ROANS)

Poor old pea-bra i n, eh?

Ha, never catch me fa lli ng i n love. That's for da m n su re.

- (KN OCKI N G O N DOO R) -Come i n !

Good day to you, Lord Blackadder!

Ah . Good day to you .

Boy.

What is it bri ngs you here?

I' m a n honest, ha rdworki ng lad, but poor,

a nd I m ust su pport my father who is sta rk ravi ng mad .

Therefore, I come to London to seek a serva nt's wage.

Well, yes, i ndeed . U nfortu nately, I a lready have a serva nt.

The word is that you r serva nt is the worst serva nt i n London .

H m m, that's true.

Ba ld rick, you ' re fi red . Be out of the house i n 10 m i n utes.

Well, you ng ma n, you 've got you rself a job.

-What do they ca ll you? - Kate.

Isn 't that a bit of a g i rl's na me?

(S PUTTERI N G) Oh, it's short for, erm ...

Bob.

-" Bob"? -Yes.

Well, Bob. Welcome on boa rd .

Sorry, Ba ld rick, a ny reason you ' re sti ll here?

Er, I've got nowhere to go, my lord .

Oh, su rely you ' ll be a llowed to sta rve to death i n one of the Roya l Pa rks.

I've been i n you r service si nce I was two a nd a ha lf, my lord .

Well, that m ust be why I' m so utterly sick of the sig ht of you .

Cou ld n 't I j ust stay here a nd do the sa me job but for no wages?

Well, you know where you 'd have to live.

-In the g utter? -Yes.

And you 'd have to work a bit ha rder, too.

Of cou rse, my lord .

All rig ht, go a nd get Bob's stuff i n,

a nd ch uck you r fi lthy m uck out i nto the street.

God bless you, sweet master!

N ow, Bob. Oh . . . Bob, th is is Percy,

a d i mwit I don 't seem to be a ble to sha ke off.

Ah ! H ello there, Bob! You you ng Roister Doister, you !

Ah, you look a li kely sort of lad for tricks a nd sports

a nd a ll sorts of jolly, rosy-cheeked ca peri ngs, eh?

'Cou rse you do, a nd more besides, I' ll wa rra nt, you you ng sca m p! (LAUG HS)

Tha n k you so m uch for letti ng me stay, Lord Blackadder.

Oh, not at a ll, Bob. I' m looki ng forwa rd to havi ng you .

Er, havi ng a nother ma n a bout the house i nstead of that a n i ma l, Ba ld rick.

Excuse me, I' m j ust goi ng to the lavatory.

- H ow little he knows! - (DOO R CLOS ES)

And how m uch I wou ld have h i m know!

I say, Bob, I th i n k th is ca lls for a celebration .

H ow a bout a ga me of cu p a nd ba ll,

a nd a sla p-u p tea at Mrs Migg i ns' pie-shop?

Get lost, creep!

Ha-ha ! I li ke you, you ng Bob! You 've got ba lls!

N ice try, Melch ie, but it's no use. I' m sti ll bored !

I' m very sorry, mada m .

You r roya l father used to be very a m used by my i m personation of Colu m bus.

Doesn 't su rprise me.

H e used to la ug h at...

You know, those people with the fu n ny faces a nd the bells.

Ah, jesters, mada m .

N o. . . Lepers.

Where's Ed m u nd, these days?

Ah, well...

The wh isper on the u nderg rou nd g ra pevi ne, ma 'a m,

is that Lord Blackadder is spend i ng a ll h is ti me

with a you ng boy i n h is service.

Oh .

Do you th i n k he'd spend more ti me with me if I was a boy?

Su rely not, mada m .

You a lmost were a boy, my little cherry pi p.

-What? -Yea h !

Out you popped, out of you r m u m my's tu m ki n,

a nd everybody shouted, "It's a boy! It's a boy! "

Then someone sa id, " But it hasn 't got a wi n kle. "

And then I sa id, "A boy without a wi n kle?

"God be pra ised, it's a m i racle, a boy without a wi n kle ! "

And then, Si r Thomas More poi nted out that a boy without a wi n kle is a g i rl.

-And everyone was rea lly d isa ppoi nted . -Ah, yes.

Well, you see, he was a very perceptive ma n, Si r Thomas More.

Oh, what has ha ppened to Ed m u nd?

There's someth i ng very odd a bout someone

who spends a ll thei r ti me with a serva nt.

(GREENSLEEVES P LAYI N G)

Well, Bob. We' re a cou ple of fi ne lads together, a ren 't we?

Let's get ratted a nd ta lk a bout g i rls, eh?

Ha !

Yes, we cou ld si ng some rea lly d i rty songs a nd ...

Oh, God ! I. . . I fi nd you cu riously pleasa nt com pa ny, you ng Bob.

I a m honou red a nd, for my pa rt, wa nt noth i ng more tha n to be with you ...

old ma n .

Well, a bsolutely, I mea n,

there's noth i ng more hea lthy a nd more norma l tha n havi ng a good ...

ch u m .

What th i n k you, my lord, of love?

You mea n ru m py-pu m py?

What wou ld you say, my lord, if I were to say, "I love you "?

Erm ...

Well, of cou rse it depends enti rely on who you sa id it to.

If you sa id it to a horse, I'd presu me you were sick.

(S PUTTERS) Erm, if you ...

If you sa id it to Ba ld rick, I'd presu me you were bli nd a nd ...

-If you sa id it to me, well. . . -Yes, my lord .

Well. . . Well, I'd natu ra lly assu me we were havi ng a,

a big lads' joke a bout back-ticklers the way we hea lthy fellows often do.

And I'd proba bly g ra b you for a friend ly wrestle

a nd then we'd proba bly sla p each other's th ig hs li ke jolly good ch u ms,

a nd la ug h at what it wou ld be li ke if we rea lly d id ...

fa ncy each other.

In that case, my lord ...

I love you .

(LAUG HI N G)

(G ROWLI N G P LAYFU LLY)

(DOO R O P ENS)

Don 't worry, Bob. H e used to try a nd ki ll me, too.

Boy, a m I g lad to see you ! What do you wa nt?

Well, I was wonderi ng if I m ig ht sleep on the roof, si r?

The town ba i liff says if I lie i n the g utter

I' ll be flushed i nto the Tha mes with a ll the other tu rds.

Yes. Certa i n ly, Ba ld rick.

H elp you rself.

(S PUTTERI N G) I was j ust off to bed, a nyway.

Erm, good n ig ht, Ba ld rick.

Good n ig ht, Bob.

Good n ig ht, my lord .

Yes...

Oh, God ...

N ow then, what seems to be the trou ble?

Well, it's my ma nserva nt.

I see. Well, don 't be em ba rrassed .

If you 've got the pox, j ust pop you r " ma nserva nt"

on the ta ble a nd we' ll ta ke a look.

N o, no, no, no. I mea n, it's my rea l ma nserva nt.

Ah-ha . And what's wrong with h i m?

There's noth i ng wrong with h i m . That's the problem .

H e's perfect, a nd last n ig ht, I a lmost kissed h i m .

I see, so you 've sta rted fa ncyi ng boys then, have you?

- N ot " boys", a boy. -Yes, well, let's not split ha i rs.

It's a ll rather d isg usti ng a nd natu ra lly you ' re worried .

-Of cou rse I' m worried . -Well, of cou rse you a re.

It isn 't every day a ma n wa kes u p to d iscover he's a screa m i ng bender

with no more rig ht to live on God 's clea n ea rth tha n a weasel.

-Asha med of you rself? - N ot rea lly, no.

Bloody hell! I wou ld be.

Sti ll, why shou ld I com pla i n?

J ust leaves more ra m pa nt totty for us rea l men, eh?

Look, a m I payi ng for th is persona l a buse or is it extra?

N o, a ll pa rt of the service.

I th i n k you ' re i n luck, thoug h .

An extraord i na ry new cu re has j ust been developed

for exactly th is ki nd of sord id problem .

And it wou ld n 't have a nyth i ng to do with leeches, wou ld it?

I had no idea you were a med ica l ma n .

I've never had a nyth i ng you doctors d id n 't try to cu re with leeches.

A leech on my ea r for ea r ache.

A leech on my bottom for consti pation .

They' re ma rvellous, a ren 't they?

Well the bottom one wasn 't. I j ust sat down a nd sq uashed it.

You know the leech comes to us on the h ig hest a uthority.

Yes, I'd hea rd that. Dr H offma n of Stuttga rt, isn 't it?

That's rig ht. The g reat H offma n .

Owner of the la rgest leech fa rm i n Eu rope.

Yes.

Well, I ca n 't spend a ll day gossi pi ng . I' m a busy ma n .

As fa r as th is case is concerned,

I've now had ti me to th i n k it over

a nd I ca n strong ly recom mend

a cou rse...

BOTH : Of leeches.

J ust pop a cou ple down my cod piece before I go to bed !

N o, no, no, no ! Don 't be rid icu lous. Th is isn 't the Da rk Ages.

J ust pop fou r i n you r mouth i n the morn i ng

a nd let them d issolve slowly.

In a cou ple of weeks, you ' ll be beati ng you r serva nt

with a stick j ust li ke the rest of us.

You ' re j ust a n old q uack, a ren 't you?

I'd rather be a q uack tha n a d ucky. Good day!

Anyth i ng to follow, my lord?

There's a lovely fat spider I fou nd i n the bath .

I was savi ng it for myself, but if...

Sh ut u p, Ba ld rick. I don 't eat i nvertebrates for fu n, you know.

Th is is doctor's orders!

Oh, I don 't hold with th is new-fa ng led doctori ng .

Any problems, I go to the wise woma n .

Ba ld rick, I' m long past entrusti ng myself to some dera nged d ru id

who g ives her professiona l add ress as 1 , Du ng h i ll Ma nsions, Putney.

- (DISTANT B ELL TO LLI N G) - (CACKLI N G)

Tell me, you ng crone, is th is Putney?

That it be. That it be.

"Yes, it is", not "That it be" .

You don 't have to ta lk i n that stu pid voice to me. I' m not a tou rist.

I seek i nformation a bout a wise woma n .

(GAS PS) The wise woma n? The wise woma n?

Yes, the wise woma n .

Two th i ngs, my lord, m ust ye know of the wise woma n .

Yes?

Fi rst, she is...

a woma n !

And second, she is...

Wise?

-You do know her, then ! - N o !

J ust a wi ld sta b i n the da rk,

wh ich is i ncidenta lly what you ' ll be getti ng

if you don 't sta rt bei ng a bit more helpfu l.

- Do you know where she lives? -'Cou rse.

-Where? - H ere.

- Do you have a n a ppoi ntment? - N o.

Well, you ca n go i n, a nyway.

Tha n k you, you ng crone. H ere is a pu rse of mon ies.

Wh ich I' m not goi ng to g ive to you .

Ha i l, Ed m u nd, lord of adders black!

H ello.

Step no nea rer, for a lready I see thy bloody pu rpose.

Thou plottest, Blackadder.

Thou wou ldst be Ki ng

a nd d rown Midd lesex i n a bath of wi ne !

(LAUG HS MANIACALLY)

N o, no, no. N o, it's fa r worse tha n that.

I' m i n love with my ma nserva nt.

Oh, well, I'd sleep with h i m if I were you .

What?

When I fa ncy people, I sleep with them .

Oh, I have to d rug them fi rst, of cou rse,

bei ng so old a nd wa rty.

But what a bout my position, my socia l life?

Very well, then .

Th ree other paths a re open to you .

Th ree cu n n i ng pla ns to cu re th i ne a i lment.

Oh, good !

The fi rst is si m ple.

- Ki ll Bob! - N ever!

-Then try the second . - H m m?

Ki ll you rself!

H m m . . . And the th i rd?

The th i rd is to ensu re that no one else ever knows.

Ah, that sou nds more li ke it! H ow?

Ki ll everybody i n the whole world !

(LAUG HI N G MANIACALLY)

(H UMMI N G GREENSLEEVES)

N ow, look here, Bob. I've got someth i ng very i m porta nt to say to you

a nd I wa nt you to listen very ca refu lly.

Yes.

Look, Bob. I've decided that you a re to leave my service.

Oh, no, my lord !

My father wi ll sta rve, a nd I' ll have to become...

a ma le prostitute.

Besides, I thoug ht we were friends!

But we a re friends, Bob, of cou rse, of cou rse, of cou rse,

of cou rse, of cou rse, of cou rse, of cou rse...

(MUTTERI N G)

Of cou rse, of cou rse !

In fact, that's the reason

-I wa nt you to leave my service. - (GAS PS)

And become my live-i n ch u m .

Oh, my lord !

N ow, I wa nt to ma ke it very clea r that I a m i n no way i nterested

i n the contents of you r tig hts.

You m ig ht be, my lord, if you knew what I kept i n them .

Ah-ha . I th i n k I know what a gentlema n

keeps i n h is tig hts, tha n k you very m uch .

But, my lord, I have a g reat secret.

What?

Prepa re to be a mazed !

Oh, no, you haven 't got one of those bi rth ma rks

sha ped li ke a ba na na, have you?

N o.

(S PUTTERI N G) Or a tattoo sayi ng, "Get it here"?

N o.

Oh, God, you 've got one of those belly-buttons

that sticks outwa rds, haven 't you?

N o, my lord .

Well, what ca n it possi bly be?

Ah ! Good lord !

So, what was that " Bob" stuff a bout then?

Beca use you 'd have used me a nd cast me aside

li ke you have so ma ny women before.

Ha ! Wou ld I?

Yes.

But now you 've had a cha nce to g row to love me for what I rea lly a m .

Yes, that's true. And now, I wa nt to ma rry you, Bob.

Kate.

Then come ! Kiss me, Kate !

I bri ng g rave i ntelligence of you r former favou rite, Lord Blackadder.

Oh, good !

It a ppea rs he wishes to ma rry a g i rl ca lled " Bob" .

That's a very odd na me for a g i rl, isn 't it?

Gi rls a re norma lly ca lled Eliza beth, or Ma ry.

And Dona ld .

Mouthy's open, N u rsie. Shou ld be sh ut!

But it's true, sweet one ! I had th ree sisters,

a nd they were ca lled Dona ld, Eric a nd Basi l.

-Then why's you r na me N u rsie? -That a i n 't my rea l na me.

-Isn 't it? - N o.

-What is you r rea l na me, then? -Ah !

Berna rd .

Su its you, actua lly.

-You r majesty! -Oh, hello, stra nger!

I seek you r perm ission to wed .

So I hea r. Melch ie, what do you th i n k of a ll th is?

(SCO FFS) Oh, well, I m ust preface, mada m,

I a m aston ished that Blackadder

cou ld possi bly have eyes for a ny other woma n tha n you rself.

Good poi nt! Thoug h slig htly g rovelly.

Ha ! But when I fell i n love, ma 'a m, I d id n 't know she was a woma n .

I thoug ht she was a boy.

Oh, well, of cou rse that ma kes it perfectly accepta ble then .

Oh, a ll rig ht. Go on a nd ma rry her.

Tha n k you, ma 'a m .

J ust tell me one th i ng .

Is her nose as pretty as m i ne?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, ma 'a m .

Oh, good !

Beca use otherwise, I wou ld have cut it off.

And then you 'd have had to ma rry someone without a nose.

And that wou ld n 't be very n ice, wou ld it?

N o, ma 'a m .

I mea n, i mag i ne the mess when she got a cold ! Yuck!

Well, q u ite, ma 'a m .

All rig ht. Off you go, then !

- (KICKS) - (G RU NTS)

Everyone seems to get ma rried except me.

And me, ma 'a m .

Oh, sh ut u p, Berna rd !

You ' ll ma ke a lovely bridesma id, Ba ld rick.

Pity me that I have no actua l g i rl-ch u ms,

beca use we were so poor i n ou r house, we cou ld n 't afford friends.

It is stra ngely i n keepi ng with the ma n ner of ou r cou rtsh i p

that you r ma id of honou r shou ld be a ma n .

Tha n k you very m uch, my lord .

Well, I use the word " ma n " i n its broadest possi ble sense.

For as we a ll know, God made ma n i n h is own i mage.

It wou ld be a sad look out for Ch ristia ns a rou nd the g lobe

if God looked a nyth i ng li ke you, Ba ld rick.

Ig nore old Mr Gru m py!

There you a re, Ba lders.

You look sweet as a little pie.

Kate, he looks li ke what he is. A d u ng ba ll i n a d ress.

Oh, Ed m u nd .

H ello there.

Ed m u nd, you d id n 't tell me we were expecti ng g uests.

And such a pretty one, too.

Oh, God .

Well, you ' re a little cutey to be h id i ng you rself away a ll these yea rs.

Tell me, gorgeous, what's you r na me?

H e's ca lled Ba ld rick!

Ba ld rick...

That's a pretty na me.

Ed m u nd used to have a serva nt ca lled Ba ld rick.

But a nyway, away with such sma ll ta lk.

- Lady, a kiss! -What?

And so modest, too !

Come on, you little tease. You know you wa nt to.

-Give us a kiss! -All rig ht, if you say so.

(P ERCY CH O KES)

Dea r! What a n orig i na l perfu me !

That is ou r Ba ld rick. H e's wea ri ng a d ress.

(GAGGI N G)

Anyway, what do you wa nt?

(GAGGI N G)

(D EEP ENS VOICE) Well, there's been some d iscussion a rou nd the cou rt

on the su bject of who's goi ng to be you r best ma n,

a nd I thoug ht it m ig ht be the moment to bri ng the su bject to a conclusion .

Ah, yes, Percy. I wou ld li ke you ...

Oh ! I' m so proud !

Please, let me fi n ish . I wou ld li ke you to ta ke th is letter to Dover,

where is recently docked the ga lleon of my old school friend a nd adventu rer,

Lord Flash hea rt.

H e sha ll be my best ma n .

- Lord Flash hea rt? - H m m .

The best sword, the best shot, the best sa i lor...

And the best kisser i n the ki ngdom .

Even he ! To Dover at once.

Yes.

Actua lly, I was goi ng to suggest Lord Flash hea rt for best ma n myself.

Oh, rea lly?

(SO B BI N G)

Ed m u nd, I ca n 't believe it's rea lly ha ppen i ng .

It is, my sweet.

Before we go i n, I wa nt you to meet my father.

Oh, fi ne !

Excuse me, cou ld you move a long, please?

Look, I' m wa iti ng for my father-i n-law.

Last th i ng I wa nt is some scruffy old begga r blocki ng the corridor,

smelli ng of ca bbage.

I a m you r father-i n-law.

Oh, no !

All rig ht, how m uch do you wa nt to clea r off?

Ed m u nd, how cou ld you? H e's my father, my on ly livi ng relative !

Ten pou nds shou ld do the trick.

- Father! -All rig ht, there we go.

Ed m u nd, you m ustn 't!

Oh, don 't worry. I' ll get Ba ld rick to beat h i m u p after the ceremony.

We' ll get the money back. Come on, we' re late.

Ah, Ed m u nd . Cou ld we get on, do you th i n k?

I wa nt to get to the reception so I ca n get sq u iffy a nd sed uce someone.

Yes, erm, u nfortu nately, my best ma n sti ll has not a rrived .

Well, get a nother one !

Well, there's no one else I ca n rea lly th i n k of.

(GAS PS SO LY)

(CLEARS TH ROAT)

Sorry, Percy?

N oth i ng, my lord, j ust clea ri ng my th roat.

Good .

Don 't wa nt you coug h i ng a ll the way th roug h the ceremony.

Oh, come on, Ed m u nd .

You m ust be a ble to th i n k of a nother best ma n !

Well, I su ppose I cou ld ask Percy. Percy!

My lord !

Ca n you th i n k of a nother best ma n?

Well, my lord, one na me does spri ng to m i nd .

Yes, but I ca n 't ask Ba ld rick. H e's a bridesma id .

Besides, I need a friend, a n eq ua l, a n old a nd trusty com pa n ion .

I th i n k there is one person i n the room who fits the descri ption .

Of cou rse ! N u rsie !

H ow do you fa ncy putti ng on a pa i r of hose a nd bei ng my best ma n?

Ed m u nd, don 't be so na ug hty.

You know perfectly well who Percy is referri ng to.

All rig ht, I' m sorry.

-Melchett. - (YELPS)

All rig ht, a ll rig ht! Asha med as I a m a nd contrad iction i n terms thoug h it is,

Percy, you ca n be the best ma n .

Oh, my lord ! N oble coz! What a n honou r!

I broug ht a long a ri ng ...

I rea lly d id th i n k old Flash wou ld have tu rned u p.

(LOU D CRAS HI N G)

(H O RS E WHI N NI ES)

It's me !

Flash !

Flash by na me. Flash by natu re !

- H ooray! -ALL: H ooray!

Where have you been?

Where haven 't I been? Woof!

But I' m here now! And ...

Who is that?

I don 't know, but he's i n you r place.

N ot for long !

H old that.

Tha n ks, bridesma id ! Li ke the bea rd !

Gives me someth i ng to ha ng on to !

So, me ol' mate Edd ie's getti ng h itched, eh?

What's the matter? Ca n 't sta nd the pace of the " i n " crowd?

H i, Queen ie, you look sexy!

-Woof! -Woof!

But listen, wea r you r ha i r long . I prefer it that way!

I've got such a crush on h i m !

And Melch ie !

-Sti ll worsh i ppi ng God? -My lord .

Last th i ng I hea rd, he sta rted worsh i ppi ng me !

(LAUG HI N G)

(ALL LAUG HI N G)

Woof! N u rsie...

I li ke it, fi rm a nd fru ity!

Am I pleased to see you, or d id I j ust put a ca noe i n my pocket?

Down, boy, down !

(LAUG HI N G)

And now, where's th is a mazi ng bi rd,

the one who stopped my old pa l Edd ie

doi ng exactly whatever he wa nts, 10 ti mes a n ig ht?

B LACKAD D ER: Ah, yes, erm, Flash . Let me i ntrod uce my fia ncée, Kate.

H i, ba by!

(KATE WHIMP ERS)

(BOTH MOANI N G)

(BOTH MOANI N G)

Ah ! She's got a tong ue li ke a n electric eel

a nd she li kes the taste of a ma n 's tonsi Is!

You don 't wa nt to ma rry th is jerk, ba by.

Meet me on my horse i n eig ht seconds.

I ca n 't ru n i n th is frock.

You see, I fi nd I actua lly prefer wea ri ng boys' clothes.

Wei rd ! I a lways feel more comfy i n a d ress!

I've got a pla n . And it's as hot as my pa nts!

What a ma n Flash is, eh?

Th i ngs' ll certa i n ly liven rou nd here now he's back, won 't they, Fla ...

Flash?

So long, suckers! N ext ti me you get bored of you r lives, g ive me a ca ll!

And I' ll come rou nd a nd ki ll you .

Good bye, Ed m u nd ! And tha n ks for everyth i ng !

H ooray!

(CLEARS TH ROAT) Erm ...

It is customa ry on these occasions for the g room to ma rry the bridesma id .

I presu me you i ntend to honou r th is?

I do.

So, FIashheart Tweaked the Adder's beard

From now He always shall be single

To fall in Iove with boys is weird

EsPecially boys without a tingle

BIackadder, BIackadder

His taste is rather odd

BIackadder, BIackadder

A randy Iittle sod

Lord FIashheart, Lord FIashheart

I wish you were the star

Lord FIashheart, Lord FIashheart

You're sexier by farl