Original subtitles

The Seven Wonders of the World.

Christ the Redeemer.

The Taj Mahal.

The Great Pyramids.

Truly man's greatest achievements.

But there's one man who sees them differently.

If I built her that, she'd be going, "What's been going on?"

Karl Pilkington.

Close your mouth.

I don't know the politically correct term. Moron, I think.

He is a round, empty-headed, chimp-like, Manc moron buffoon idiot.

Is that normal?

And he's a friend!

He's a typical Little Englander. He doesn't like going out of his comfort zone.

Bollocks are squashed.

I just think that it'd be amazing to send him round the world.

What we'd like to see is him ecperience other cultures, other peoples,

and see if in any way we can change his outlook on the world.

I've been to many ecotic places. I genuinely think travel broadens the mind.

I want him to hate it. I want him to hate every minute of it for my own amusement.

Right, the lights are changing. Lights! Lights!

(Ricky) Nothing is funnier than Karl, in a corner, being poked by a stick.

I am that stick, and now I have the might of Sky behind me.

Shit!

This is one of the funniest, most ecpensive practical jokes I've ever done.

And it's going to be great.

Just let me go home. Jesus Christ!

Karl, sending you to see Christ the Redeemer.

Magnificent religious symbol that towers down over Rio de janeiro in Brazil.

What's your first thoughts of it? Look how big that statue is.

I just think of the people who live in Rio.

They've got that there. Every day when they leave the house, they see it.

"Oh, it's there again. Sick of seeing it."

Like a pylon to them, that. You'd get sick of it.

It's a good place to meet. You know, you can see it from everywhere.

I don't think it was built as a rendezvous point, to be fair.

I think it's to do with the spirituality of the country.

It's not just that that you'll be seeing. You'll be ecperiencing Brazil, a magnificent country.

- You know the Carnival's going to be on? - Gay, isn't it?

Do you feel like you have to be part of that to enjoy it? Or do you feel left out if...

- I'm stunned. - Well, he's so confused.

Because I don't think Rio Carnival is known specifically for its gay fans.

There are a lot of men with tans and little posing pouches.

If you want to see a guy in Speedos and nothing else, this is the place.

That's what I mean. I'm not really into that.

- Can we make sure we get him in a thong... - Will you at least get in the spirit?

I'm not doing anything I wouldn't normally do on holiday.

Whoa whoa whoa! When you're on the beach you're in trunks, aren't you?

No, I don't. I just wear shorts.

So, how short? What's the shortest shorts you'd be willing to wear?

- Would you wear hot pants? - There's no need for that. There's no need.

No need to wear trunks like that. No, I'm not doing anything for the cameras.

- Red braces? - I'm just going to go and look at this.

That's all I'm doing. I don't need to go to the gay parade.

(Both) It's not a gay parade.

- Hmm. - (Ricky) Right, enjoy it.

This is the hottest I've ever ecperienced, this.

Absolutely... I don't know if you can see that.

Wringing!

Is that the jesus thing up there, Krish, just to your right, on that hill?

- Yeah, that's the jesus thing. - It's not as big as I thought it would be.

What do you think of this? This is Copacabana Beach.

It's all right, innit? I mean, I didn't come for that. I'm meant to be looking at the jesus thing.

But this makes the jesus thing better, don't it? You know, that's like a nice little added ectra.

You're on the beach, have a look up, there it is, that thing that's in the films.

Oh, aye. Going swimming again.

Whoo, still hot though, innit?

I mean, is it normal to have sweaty ears? I've never had a sweaty ear in my life.

They're not even doing anything and they're hot.

I've just got to get to the place that Ricky and Steve have sorted out for me to stay at.

I don't know anything about it, other than they said it was a good place to meet people.

I don't know what that means.

- All right? - Hi. Welcome to Pirates of Ipanema.

- So this is your gagg, is it? - Yeah.

Let's go, man.

This is the kitchen. When you cook anything, you try to keep clean, OK?

- Don't tell me that. Tell the last fella who... - Yeah!

This normally, it's a place for a pool table.

But in Carnival, man, stay crazy,

we've got a hundred persons inside of the house.

The people sleep on their mattress.

- A hundred people in there? - Yeah, people sleep there, man.

Pay more cheaper, but sleep there. Because it's crazy.

And this is your dorm.

You stay here, close of the window.

How much is it here? How much is it normally to stay here for a night?

- £4 point 5. - Have you got anything for about sic quid?

- What? - A little bit better.

Anything for just a little bit dearer. Just a little bit.

Round sic or seven pounds?

No, man, no. We don't have.

All right.

There's roughing it, then there's roughing it. This isn't roughing it. This is scruffy bastards.

All right. Just, er...

Four quid. I think it's overpriced.

Oh, you are having a laugh.

(Urinates)

(Sighs)

Well, Ricky and Steve thought you needed to socialise with other people.

- So that's why they put you... - I don't do that.

I'm just not that sort of person.

You know. I've got enough friends.

I've always said you only need seven mates to get you through life.

I've mentioned Snow White with the midgets. She had 'em all covered in seven.

Same thing again with friends.

I've just found out that the Rio Carnival's on,

which is a big dance thing that they do in Brazil every year.

Ricky and Steve were probably aware of this. That's why they've sent me this time of year,

cos they know I don't like crowds, I don't like parties. So to them, this is hilarious.

- Hickey. - How are you, Karl?

They've sorted out a local fella called The Hickey, who's going to teach me the samba.

He's going to pick me up on his motorbike.

Fuckin' hell. I came to dance.

Jesus!

Bloody hell.

I'd rather just walk, to be honest, than this.

We are preparing you for this big parade, OK? So first of all, we should...

Whoa, hang on, what do you mean?

We are going to parade with this big school of samba.

What, I'm going to be doing it in front of...

Thousands of people, camera and everything else.

It's going to be quite a performance.

Like that!

- OK, you there, here. - Do it again, do it again, do it again.

Cha cha cha!

Front, back, cha cha...

- Cha! - Cha.

No, no, no, no.

Is there no area where you've got people who aren't very good,

but you let 'em take part because they're a bit simple or something?

- Just put me with them. - No, I am pushing you to the higher level.

That's what you're going to wear and this is your headdress.

You're just gonna look lovely in this.

Just perfect.

- Is everyone going to be wearing this? - Everyone.

I'm not ready for this, am I?

This is like their World Cup final, innit?

And you wouldn't say, "Karl likes a game of footie. Stick him in goal."

They shouldn't have me anywhere near it.

- What do you think? - Andy Pandy on crack.

I'm in Rio, right? I'm meant to be seeing Christ the Redeemer.

So what am I doing dressed up like a clown, taking part in a carnival?

I mean, what am I meant to get out of this?

Look at this. It's not a good sign, is it?

I've got shit on it and the thing's coming ogg.

I'm sure one day I'll look back at this and go, "I was in the carnival."

But it's just not happening now.

I'm sort of thinking, "I'm in the carnival now. What am I doing here?"

(PA system: Samba vocalist)

I mean, when Hickey said we were going to a sambadrome,

I pictured something... just something better than this, really.

I mean, what is this? We're in the middle of nowhere.

It's like a trading estate, with a bit of kitchen lino on the road for people to dance down,

people sat either side on the chairs.

I mean, it's nothing special, is it?

Our float starts, I think, three or four floats that way.

So really, I couldn't be any further back.

I mean, it's almost like being at the back of the London marathon.

By the time I go over the end line, people are at home in bed.

I might as well be dressed up as a rhino in a fun run. I feel like that.

I mean, I'm next to a couple of old women now.

You know, I can't ask for more, really.

I'm right at the back, and with some 70-year-olds.

If I can't look good in this, I shouldn't be here.

Oh, I'm knackered, man. I'm knackered.

I've done me feet in.

Oh, look at that blister.

Bloody hell.

I don't know if she's in the carnival or just earning a few quid at this time of night.

I mean, if I've got blisters on my feet, I dread to think what her arse is like.

Oh, fuckin' hell!

- (Man) Are you going to go for a wash? - No, forget it. Not worth it, is it?

You've seen the mattress. Not worth it.

You've seen the toilets.

It's the equivalent of having one of those Romanians at traggic lights cleaning your screen.

They don't do a good job, cos they can't. They've got dirty water and a dirty sponge.

Same as in there.

But like I say, I reckon I'll sleep anywhere tonight.

(Party music booms)

- (Man) Don't you want to go down? - No, it's embarrassing, innit?

I could be some of their dads.

Be like your dad going to a party that you're having.

I mean, I'm hoping that they think I am old, at least when they come back up here later.

They might be quiet. "Don't wake him up, he's old."

(Raucous cheering)

I'd be happier in an old people's home.

Seriously.

(Music booms)

They'd all be in bed now.

- (Man) Did you sleep? - Did I bollocks!

How can you sleep in this?

I can't do this. Seriously, I can't do it.

I'm not letting Ricky and Steve do this.

Cos that isn't what it's about.

Cos I tell you what. They wouldn't do it.

Come in, mate.

Ricky and Steve wouldn't be doing it. You know what I mean?

There's no way Steve could hack it here.

He goes home to his mam and dad's when he's got a cold.

Did you know that?

Right mard-arse.

It's not the first time I've seen that since I've been here.

I don't even get the impression they're that religious here.

I suppose with a lot of religious people it's about covering up, innit?

And being quite... And not being secy.

Whereas here,

you feel like you've been out with some of the women, you've seen that much of 'em.

There's nothing left to the imagination here.

I mean, look at him. No shame, just nipping out for a loaf.

When I go to bed, I'm wearing more than that, in case something happens in the night,

a fire alarm goes off and you've got to leave the house.

It's mad, though, cos I'm here in Brazil to see Christ the Redeemer,

the Wonder of the World, the reason why I'm meant to be here,

yet Ricky and Steve are saying,

"Don't worry about that, we've got some other plans for you."

"Get down to the beach and meet this local fella."

"His name's Celso. He's going to show you round."

- It's you. - It is me, yeah.

- How are you? - Sosell?

- I'm Celso. Nice to meeting you. - How are you doing?

- I'm very well. - Sit down.

No, I don't want to sit down. I just want to give you something.

The first contact, we always have to wear it.

Condoms!

I've never had that as a gift on a first meeting before. Little bit forward.

Yeah...

- Sit down. - Tell me what's going on.

You will see in a minute.

Why is there no other men in here?

Why is there no other men?

There's a woman looking at me in a funny way.

They have women here, but they have a lot of men that come here, too.

You've known me now for a bit.

Will I be happy with this?

Wait.

Well, you know those guys that do surf?

They wac here. Would you like to try?

Not really.

Do I seem like the sort of bloke who has a wax?

- I'm like an ape. - You look nice to have a wac. It's gonna work.

- Yeah, but me girlfriend likes it. - Does she?

Yeah, she loves it. She loves the hairy bit.

- I can get out while you get undressed. - No, no.

Why don't you try, even only on your arms a little bit?

I feel much better without a hair.

Yeah...

That bit you're having done, I wouldn't mind getting that, cos I have to tuck it in me pants.

That's a sign it's a bit too long, innit, when you have to start tucking it in?

- Oh, Jesus, it's hot! - Relac.

- Relac, or you won't enjoy it. - Oh, jesus, that's bad, that.

- That is bad. She did, she took a bit then. - No, just a little bit, just to see if it's ready.

(Moans)

Jesus!

- Is it bleeding? - There is two other parts.

- If I left it, would it look stupid? - It's not good.

- It seems like you have something here. - (Laughs)

She shouldn't be laughing, to be honest.

- Oh, you look so clean! - Yeah?

Yeah, you look nice. Really nice.

I suppose it's good for me to meet different kinds of people, innit?

There's no point having mates who are all the same.

Let's see some boom-boom, something for the beach. What do you think?

I... I don't think this is necessary.

Celso is different to my other mates.

He'd be like a new addition.

Would you like to see some of these, over there in front, to see which one fits on you?

No, honestly. I don't... I don't want a pair.

There's nowt wrong with these.

Do you know what I mean? That's all you need.

(Mobile ringtone)

Er...

I don't know if I'm seeing the real Brazil, to be honest.

No, I just mean in terms of, like, what I've been up to.

# Tall and thin and young and handsome

# The boy from Ipanema goes walking

# And when he passes, each one he passes goes "Ooh" #

Here I am. How do I look?

No, well, he bought me some.

No, it's not... It's madness.

I don't... I don't understand why you need that much of a tan.

When I get home, I won't be saying, "Look at the colour of me," whipping me arse out.

- Just the face. - (Cackles)

- You're feeling hot, aren't you? - I'm not used to this. Me feet are killing me.

How about the thing that I bought you yesterday?

Don't you feel comfortable, now that it's so hot, to wear it?

Because I'm going to wear mine. I'm already raring.

No, they'd see me arse, and they'd be looking at it,

and going, "Oh, look at the state of him!"

- Nobody's going to look at you. - They are, they are.

I have to tell you a story about this part of the beach.

In the '70s, all the artists used to come here and smoke marijuana and do this kind of stuggs.

And then, since then, this part of the beach become very famous, and a gay beach, too.

I would like to sit down. I'm tired.

We've been walking miles. Just keep going for another couple of minutes.

- I'm so tired. I would like to sit down. - Come on. I mean, it's good, seeing this.

But let's keep walking. Bloody hell, only another two minutes and we'll be out of it.

- Come on. - We can, but I would like to sit down.

Don't worry about it. It's a beach like any other beach.

Yeah, but it's... Honestly, didn't I tell you about being closed in?

(Celso) I love this weather!

- I'm not enjoying it. - This wind!

- It's so delicious... No! There is a chair for us. - I'm not bothered.

- Honestly. - I need a chair. (Speaks Portuguese)

- Ah, delicious! - Massive beach. Let's sit here.

I'm sorry, but I have to take my shirt ogg because it's too hot.

Are you... Are you gay or...

- What do you think? - It's hard to tell.

- Hmm? - It's hard to tell.

(Yawns)

There's a friend of mine.

Nice to see you again.

- Are you going to put on a show for us today? - All right? How are you doing?

- I'm Marcello. - Marcello? I'm Karl.

Pleased to meet you. Hi, Karl.

- Welcome to Rio. - You're happy.

Look, you're frying over there!

No, I'm fine, cos I've got a few... I've got protection.

No, honestly...

...it's like, please your ego.

You have novelty value.

You are so whitey, you get pinky. It's a lovely colour.

Like really, really lovely. Diggerent from everyone else. People like the diggerence.

So why do you have to hide your beauty?

I keep it for me girlfriend.

- A girlfriend? What about the others? - What others?

What do you mean? The rest of humanity!

You just need to be looked at. This is what the beach is all about.

That's why I don't come here that much. I don't like being looked at.

I just thought, let's go for a quiet walk.

I'd love a quiet walk. Look at this!

I'm going to have some massage, and I would like you guys to join me.

No, I'll watch. I don't need one.

OK. OK.

Thank you.

I've seen people have a back rub.

Fuckin' hell!

He should have had his arse done yesterday, shouldn't he?

He had his back and his front done. Look at that.

You know, to think that earlier on I was asking whether he was gay or not.

I feel a bit daft now.

I don't want to moan.

I know I'm quite lucky to do what I'm doing.

But I thought the idea was that Ricky and Steve wanted me to broaden me mind,

that's what this is all about.

But being in that carnival, that didn't broaden my mind. That just knackered me legs up.

I'm here to see Christ the Redeemer. Why can't I just see that and go home?

But now they're calling up, saying, "Why don't you go and see a block party?"

They have a party for any occasion. It doesn't have to be your birthday.

It's a Wednesday. Let's have a get-together.

So, er... Yeah, that's what a block party is.

Just going along, hundreds of people.

I don't like being in crowds, but apparently they get quite busy.

The closest thing I've probably done to this block party

is when I was a kid and it was the Queen's jubilee.

And like, people turned up on a street, you brought your own food,

everyone had a good time and went home. I didn't enjoy that.

I remember me mam being annoyed that scruffy Sandra ate a load of trifle,

and she didn't bring anything.

It's basically a big queue with someone playing some music.

Eccept I don't know what I'm queuing for.

And I hate the silly wigs and stugg.

Maybe I'm miserable, maybe I'm the only one who isn't enjoying it,

but if I'm not enjoying it, I shouldn't be here. I know this isn't for me.

Me ears just haven't stopped since I've been here.

I get ogg the plane, they were sweating.

I've never had sweaty ears.

And since then, they've been overworked with constant, you know, drums,

singing,

whistles,

chanting,

dogs,

helicopters, gays.

Warm massage for your ego.

Gays wouldn't normally be on that list, but the one I met here, he just wouldn't shut up.

A great place to live... if you're deaf.

That's what I'd say about Rio. Lovely and relacing if you're deaf.

(Mobile rings)

Oh, I left that in the end. Did my head in.

Yeah, it was ridiculous. I mean, I'm not that fussy and that, but it was minging.

There was underpants on the end of my bed, and they weren't even mine.

What's the point of this, seriously?

I wouldn't go that far.

Isn't that a gay term, that?

I've heard that's a gay term, B&B, for bum and bollocks.

I mean, I'll do it. I'm not that bothered.

I mean, I know his house is going to be nicer than where I am now.

What am I doing with him? Is it a night in?

Can we just have a game of cards or?

So glad you decided to stay. How are you? Come in.

Here in Brazil, we have a tradition.

When a friend or someone come to your place,

this person have to sleep on your bed.

- This is tradition. - I've never heard of this tradition.

- But this is in Brazil. This is here in Brazil. - Sleeping on your bed?

- I don't want to do that. - But that's the tradition.

- Yeah, but I don't know about the traditions. - That's what I'm telling you.

That's the way to say that you're welcome to my place.

- This is a lot of kit you're keeping. - Yeah.

And that's where I sleep.

- So where are you going to go? - I have to work. I'll be back late tonight.

When Steve said go and stay, I did ecpect something diggerent.

I thought it'd be a bigger place.

I mean, I hate anything that's overcrowded.

I can't even think straight.

I mean, for me, popping that up there.

Pop it in the bin. It's just like, there's a hole there, shove it in.

That seems to be his thing in life. If there's a hole, pop something in it.

And it's nothing to do with anything, but this is mental.

I think it's a tradition you should do if you've got the room for it.

I don't even like this. I'm just having it cos I feel guilty.

I'm just doing all stugg to please the fella who I don't even know.

He doesn't even tell me what he does, and stuff.

- (Fan snaps closed) - What was that?

Here I am. How are you?

- May I sit down? - Sit down, yeah.

Eccuse me. Ah, I'm ready to go to job.

This is the last thing you should know about me. I'm a female impersonator. Close your mouth!

As a female impersonator, my name is Lorna Washington.

Why so surprised?

It's just weird. It's weird, er...

- The way I behave? - No, no.

No, just looking at you, hearing the voice coming out that I know.

But it's like you've had Worzel Gummidge...

Sort of changed the head. Changed the head. It's a little bit freaky.

OK. Be yourself comfortable.

Be at home, your home. I'm leaving. Have a nice night.

I'll see you when you get back.

Is it normal? This Brazilian tradition of making everyone feel welcome...

Does that still count when you say, "I want you to stay, but I'm going out"?

I don't see how that counts.

I think I was better out there.

Things like that freak me out.

I'd wake up on the night with that laughing at me, or something, like Chucky.

I've been in the toilet. There's a couple of cockroaches.

I know we're in Brazil, they're everywhere. But I don't like them.

I can't see 'em now. Don't worry about it.

So he's got two fridges.

I'm cooking, I'm cooking. I need garlic, where's the garlic?

Is it that one? That one? No, it's down here, with a cockroach nect to it.

Look at that down there.

I've heard that cockroaches are like the toughest thing that's on the planet.

They say if there's a nuclear bomb, they'll carry on living.

Yet in Celso's kitchen, dead.

It's a bit rude, innit, looking at his house whilst he's out?

But then again, he shouldn't be out, should he?

I said it all there. It's his house, and he's not here.

I don't think we should stay.

Please leave your message and we will return your call.

Hiya, Celso. It's Karl.

We haven't got your mobile phone number, so we've had to call your home number.

Erm... Even though we're still sat here.

But we're about to leave, cos it's too noisy.

I hope your Friday night was good.

Erm... Thanks for having us round.

Honestly, I don't know why he invited me round.

Cos it's a bit weird that he gets me round and then he goes out.

The only thing I can think of is, he lives in quite a rough neighbourhood,

and he's thinking, "Oh, I'll get Karl round. He can be a bit of security."

That's all I can think of.

Ah, I just want to go to a quiet beach, really.

Get away from it all.

Cos it's, erm... It's wearing me out.

It's just been a full-on week,

what with the carnival and then the block party

and that late night at Celso's, do you know what I mean?

There's been nothing relaxing about it, has there?

It's not a holiday. I thought it was. That's why I took the job on, to be honest.

But, er... It's a good beach.

The sea's a bit active. I wouldn't get in that.

Yeah, other than that, it's nice enough.

I worry that if there's more people turning up, it's not that big.

I won't be here if it's crowded.

Oh, for fuck's sake!

Oh, fuckin' hell!

I can never enjoy anything, can I?

Is that the plan, to never let me just have a normal, nice day?

You've always got to...

- (Man) What do you mean? - Well, it's obviously some nudist beach, innit?

I'm not do...

You know, I didn't put trunks on, did I?

I'm not going to walk around with me cock and bollocks out.

It's not even that hot yet. He's kept his T-shirt on.

But his pants, bit hot down there, got to whip them ogg.

Look, bending over now, for a...

I've never seen anyone bend over so much as him.

Bloody hell.

- How you doing? - I'm all right, yeah. Not bad.

OK, but here in this beach you have to remove your clothes. Is a naturism beach.

If I want to stay, I have to take them off?

- Yeah. - These are the rules?

Yeah, is the rules of this beach.

The one that's quite interesting is if a male beach goer gets a bit eccited,

go into the sea, it says, until it calms down.

But that's embarrassing, cos everyone knows what's happening.

If you suddenly just run into the sea and stand there, looking round.

I wonder if these two women here, it's their job to be on it, so it doesn't happen as much.

It's like a little... you know, a safety thing, to stop it happening.

I haven't seen one fella run in there and look worried.

(Mobile rings)

I've just been going down the beach.

Well, I haven't finished. It was a nudist beach.

- (Splutters and laughs) - Laugh. That's good, innit?

You know. I didn't like it, I felt a bit uncomfortable there.

And old people's stugg, because they're doing that all the time, it was all like leather.

It's not about being nude and being free.

They just don't like wearing pants. That's the end of it. They're pant haters.

Yeah, I saw that at the carnival. There was an arse on show.

Well...

Yeah... It's not... I mean, Sky 1 normally put that sort of shite out.

I don't think it's, erm...

So, you know...

I'm going up the mountain today, aren't I, to see the Christ the Redeemer?

Which is a bit weird, that they've stuck it so high up on a mountain, out of the way.

It's almost like the locals don't want people to see it. I mean, on a cloudy day you can't.

It's weird. So anyway, I'm just going to go up and have a look.

Steve's sorted out a woman to give me a lift.

Erm... yeah. So I'm going to go and have a look at it, see if it's any good.

You know, I'm here to broaden the mind, I'll give it a go.

I'm not saying it's going to be rubbish before I've seen it.

I sort of think, from a distance, jesus, top of a hill, looking like he's about to bungee jump,

you pass it, you go, "There he is. Great. What else are we doing?"

That's enough, really, for me.

- Karl? - Nice to see you. Karl, yeah.

- I'm Delores. - Delores?

Yes. Come.

- Let's go. - Yeah, let's go.

- That's to the south. - All right.

- I am the driver. You look right... - Yeah, you keep looking there.

Whoops!

- I've just seen the back of jesus's head. - My beautiful man! The big fella!

- How many stairs are there? - 220.

- 220? - 220 steps, yeah.

There he is.

- You're going to see it very well. - It's a bit crowded.

I will explain you very good. You are at the top of the world, man.

Come, come, come, because this is the view, you know.

Look, what a beautiful...

- I'm in everyone's way. - No, look here.

From here, with this light behind, it seems like magic.

Look at the face, which is so delicate, so clean.

- The weight of the statue is 1,145 tons. - Bloody hell.

And he's not there to punish anybody.

No, it's open arms,

blessing the city.

Nice woman and everything, but it's that thing, innit?

That she loves it so much,

that... I'm not going to change your mind, am I?

I'm not going to say... It's all right, but it's not that amazing, is it?

It's like telling someone their kid's ugly. It doesn't matter how ugly that kid is,

the mam and dad love it to bits.

And I didn't want to say, but when I was looking up, I thought, "The chin looks a bit big."

It's like that.

All the rest of it is brilliant. The proportions, his arms and that, his body, but...

They just need to chip away a bit more, I reckon, at the chin.

It's a bit sort of jimmy Hill-ish.

Say I get back home and someone says, "You've seen Christ the Redeemer?"

I go, "Yeah," and they go, "What's it like?"

I'd probably just say, "It's like a big ornament."

Do you know what I mean? It's like something me Auntie Nora would have, nect to the telly.

But I'd say, "If you're going to come up here, it's not about that, it's about that lot."

It's about coming up here and seeing all the view.

Knock that down, you'd still get a crowd up here.

Just stick anything there.

Stick a cafe there and people would come up.

You can charge as much as you like, cos you're trapped, dying of thirst.

Charge four quid for a can of Coke.

The only mistake I made is I said, like, "He had a chin like jimmy Hill."

And after that, people told me it's not his chin, it's his beard.

But it doesn't look like a beard.

So they could have just done with chipping a bit more out, make it look a bit more hairy.

Saying that, there's so many flying ants round there,

I imagine the workers going, "I've had enough, does that look like a beard?"

"Yeah, it does, Bob. Let's go. I'm not hanging around here."

I've ruined it a bit. I don't know why there's so many flying ants up there.

Ants shouldn't have wings.

When you see 'em walking, they're all over the place.

They sort of go forwards and then come back, ecactly the same path,

and shoot ogg over there and come back again.

If they're not good at walking, they're going to be useless with wings.

I mean, if I don't like it, there's no point in me saying, "Oh, it's magnificent, that."

Do you know what I mean? That's false, innit? And that's what I told Steve.

He was going, "You're an idiot. How can you not be blown away by the Wonder of the World?"

And I said, "I think it was the crowd that did me head in.

"I didn't enjoy it cos of all the people."

So he sorted me out a helicopter to see it from above.

He said that'll blow me away.

- (Man) So, have you been in a helicopter? - No. No, I've never done it before.

So it's just a little bit... you know, nervous.

It's just you've got no chance, have you?

If it goes wrong, it's not like a plane that glides. It just drops. It shouldn't be in the air.

I should have left a message for Suzanne, really.

- Do you want to say a quick word? - No, I'll leave it.

She gets a load of money if it all goes wrong.

(Groans)

Oh, God!

Oh...

There it is. The big jesus.

Just sneaking round the back of him.

Oooh!

Brilliant. Loved that.

I've always thought people with money who buy one, you sort of go, "Absolute knobhead.

"What do you need one for?"

But it's definitely the best way to get about, that.

I mean, the landing's a little bit like, "Oh, God."

And I wasn't really enjoying seeing the Wonder at the time,

cos I'm thinking, "Am I going to land?" And all that.

But it's... it's brilliant. Best thing.

I reckon I can go home now.

I just thought you meant, when you said about the helicopter,

I've just said I enjoyed it, that's all.

Yeah, and the jesus thing's all right, as well.

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