Original subtitles

♪ When Uncle Sam called us up ♪

♪ we hit that eastern sand ♪

♪ Fought like hell for three long years ♪

♪ in that south Asian land ♪

♪ We met a few foreign ladies ♪

♪ We drank a lot of lukewarm beer ♪

I remember!

♪ But tonight, in this old Tucson bar ♪

♪ you know what? ♪

♪ It's so damn good to see you here ♪

♪ Beers to you, old amigo ♪

♪ for all the good times ♪

♪ and here's to all the women ♪

♪ that we've been through ♪

♪ Let's set 'em up, my compadre ♪

♪ bar stool to bar stool ♪

♪ shoulder to shoulder ♪

All right!

♪ Beers to you ♪

♪ Ray, you remember back in Phoenix ♪

♪ when we walked into that fight? ♪

Uh-huh!

♪ We whipped them local boys ♪

Oh, did we!

♪ And then we bought 'em drinks all night ♪

♪ and when my lovin' wife left for points unknown ♪

♪ you were there to fill my glass ♪

♪ and it proved to me a woman's love can fade ♪

♪ but the taste of Coors and a good friend always last ♪

♪ ha! ♪

♪ Beers to you, old amigo ♪

♪ for all the good times ♪

♪ and here's to all the women ♪

♪ that we've been through ♪

♪ Let's set 'em up, my compadre ♪

♪ bar stool to bar stool ♪

♪ shoulder to shoulder ♪

All right, now!

♪ Beers to you! ♪

Hey, Ray, let's have one more.

All right, Clint. It's my turn to buy.

In that case, let's have two.

I just remembered, I got a date two bar stools down.

That little redhead? Mm-hmm.

♪ Beers to you, old amigo ♪

♪ for all the good times ♪

♪ and here's to all the women ♪

♪ that we've been through... ♪

[Honk]

How'd you like to have

your goddamn rig impounded?

Sorry, officer.

My hand slipped.

Hey!

You better get ready to hock your tricycle, Jack!

Yeah?

Let's see your money, big mouth!

$200 on Philo.

You're covered!

[Honk honk]

[Whistles] Come on!

[Honk]

[Whistles]

Yeah! Yeah!

I'll go handle this.

Put all of it on him.

I got it.

$1,200.

$1,200.

$50 on Philo.

Mazorek!

We got $1,200 going on Philo!

You're covered!

We're covering over $8,000 here so far.

We'll eat them for breakfast.

Hell, Joe whipped every marine in the first division.

Yeah... but he ain't a marine.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Jesus, he's big.

Yeah, he's sizable.

They said he beat everybody in the marine corps.

I ain't a marine.

I got $2,800 from the boys in Bakersfield!

You're covered!

All right!

Told you!

You lose this fight,

and we'll be patrolling death valley

for the next 5 years.

Don't worry about it, Sarge.

Eat him up, Joe.

Take care of Clyde, will you?

You know how he likes to crap in squad cars.

Go!

Go! Go! Go!

Hold it. Hold it.

Boo!

[Punch lands]

[Punches land]

Hey, Joe! All right!

Come on!

Get him! Get him!

He's killing him!

He's moving pretty good for a corpse.

Get him!

Get him!

Come on! Come on!

Go! Go! Go!

Come on!

Bingo!

Oh!

Boo! Boo!

Yeah!

All right, that's it.

He ain't down yet.

No, he ain't down, I ain't puttin' him down.

Of course, if you want to take his place,

we can arrange that.

Fight ain't over till he's down.

Shut up.

Yeah! Yeah!

Great! Got it!

How much did we pull down?

$1,200.

Where's Clyde?

Shit.

There.

Clyde, you got damn little respect for the law.

Pffft!

God!

Sergeant Smith.

This is going to be my last fight.

How come?

Right turn, Clyde.

I'm getting to like the pain.

I guess it's time, then.

Yeah, I think.

I don't understand it.

I whipped every marine in my division...

Some real tough guys.

Oh, Jesus!

How can you stand the stench?

I can't smell nothing.

Captain won't really transfer us, will he, Sarge?

Seeing as how we flushed $2,800

of his hard-earned bucks,

it's death valley, son. You can believe me.

Some real tough guys.

Hey! Pull those guys over!

They're littering!

Shut up, will you?

[Tugboat horn honks]

$5,000.

Pardon me, sir.

Was that $3,000?

No, it is not $3,000.

Mr. Paoli bets $30,000 on the challenger?

There they go!

Ha ha ha!

[Squealing]

Ha! That's it! That's it!

He never touched him!

Your animal's gonna be dead in 15 seconds.

Young man.

Keep your terrier in his cage, Beekman.

Junior, he's only looking out for my interests, that's all.

The money will be here by 5 P.M.

I expected no less.

Ha ha ha!

Aah!

Whoo! Hey, did you set up a fight for Wilson?

No, not yet.

Well, come on!

What the hell am I paying him 5 grand a month,

to sit on his hands?

Nobody will take him on,

not after what he did to those last couple of guys.

Well, maybe we ought to set up a match

between Wilson and the rattler, huh?

You'd lose a good rattler.

There is a guy on the west coast

named Philo Beddoe.

Philo Beddoe. I never heard of him.

Some folks in Dallas think a lot of him.

Yeah? Which folks?

The folks that bet. He's well-known in California.

I think we could get a good piece of action

on this one, Jim.

All right. You set it up.

All right.

Well, Loretta,

we've talked about it for 20 years,

but now we're doing it.

We're in California.

I hear people here are a little peculiar.

Oh, Loretta.

Folks are just folks the world over.

Luther...

Yep?

I think we should go back to Iowa.

♪ ...then your whiskey eyes undress me ♪

♪ as we hide the night away ♪

♪ I know it's wrong to want you ♪

♪ but God knows, it feels so right ♪

♪ just stay a little longer before you go to her tonight ♪

♪ there's one too many... ♪

You didn't tell me she was here.

I didn't know. We can go.

♪ ...one of us can make it right ♪

♪ there's one too many women in your life ♪

♪ the one you say you love ♪

♪ and the one you call your wife ♪

♪ you tell me you don't love her ♪

♪ and you say someday you'll leave ♪

♪ then when our love starts feelin' right ♪

♪ you'll walk away from me ♪

♪ bedroom lies and alibis are the only words you know ♪

♪ just tell me that you love me ♪

♪ before you have to go ♪

♪ there's one too many women in your life ♪

♪ neither one of us can make it right ♪

♪ there's one too many women in your life ♪♪

[Applause]

Lynne Halsey-Taylor, ladies and gentlemen!

Now let's have a big welcome

for Johnny Duncan!

♪ It's rainin' on the west coast ♪

♪ snowin' in Topeka ♪

♪ the weatherman says there's ice for old Tennessee... ♪

Mind if I sit here?

No. It's a free country.

You're still mad at me, I guess.

No. I like having my guts kicked out.

I didn't mean to hurt you.

I... I was, I was mixed-up.

Oh?

What do you think I was?

I'm sorry.

But that's in the past.

Yeah. It sure is.

♪ ...old Monterrey ♪

You want me to leave?

Yeah.

♪ ...I say, "oh, Lord" ♪

♪ "there's got to be a better way" ♪

Pffft!

♪ I see a loser in my mirror ♪

♪ got a devil in my brain ♪

♪ and the woman... ♪

[Knock knock]

All right, Clyde. Keep your pants on.

I'm coming.

♪ ...she left me lonesome in my bedroom ♪

♪ and dirty dishes in my sink... ♪

I knew you and Philo came in here a lot.

So I told them I'd sing for nothing

just to get a chance to talk to him.

Guess I shouldn't have bothered, huh?

I don't like drinking with filthy apes.

Clyde is a clean ape.

I'm gonna kick his ass out of here.

If I was you, friend,

I'd just sit right back there and have myself another beer.

You ain't me.

Nope.

♪ ...down in Nogales ♪

♪ I say, "oh, Lord..." ♪

I'll have another beer.

Right.

Looks like Clyde's getting a little rowdy.

We better get out of here.

♪ ...buy a backpack and a hat ♪

♪ get a map that shows all the highways... ♪

You're getting rowdy, Clyde.

Why don't you leave Philo alone, honey?

I'm not your honey.

Listen, he was down for two months

after you pushed him over.

So was I.

The three of us are doing fine now,

so why don't you just leave him alone?

♪ ...but the sun shines bright ♪

♪ in Acapulco... ♪

[Smack]

♪ ...in old Monterrey ♪

Clyde, come on. Let's go.

Leave the bananas alone.

Come on!

Kind of grows on you, doesn't he?

♪ ...I say, "oh, Lord" ♪

♪ "there's got to be a better way" ♪

♪ but the sun shines bright ♪

♪ in Acapulco ♪

♪ and there's no snow ♪

♪ in old Monterrey ♪♪

Hey!

We are the Black Widows!

Then who stomped a mud hole in you?

Philo Beddoe! Philo Beddoe!

Then spat on you and let his ape stomp it dry?

Philo Beddoe!

So whose hide you gonna nail to the gates of hell?

Philo Beddoe's!

All right, then!

Let's start doing some stomping of our own!

Yeah!

Good grief!

My brownies are burning.

Damn!

His what?

He's baking brownies.

Why me, lord?

I mean, you made other men out of Clay.

Mine you made out of shit.

Ah!

Should've expected it.

Expected what, Ma?

Quitting your job,

letting an old lady die of frostbite,

canker sores...

It ain't froze around here in 30 years, Ma.

Don't have to freeze.

I got thin blood.

Besides, I didn't quit my job.

Fighting ain't my job.

Yeah.

Well, I have to admit it ain't much,

but it's the closest you've come to earning a decent living.

But hell,

you don't care about keeping a roof

over a poor, helpless old lady's head.

You don't care if she has to eat dog food.

You don't care if she has to soak her teeth in clorox...

Come back here with my oreos, ya hairy ass!

I'm looking for Mr. Philo Beddoe.

You're talking to him.

I'm talking to his feet.

Well, the top half of him can hear you.

I represent a man who would like to back you, Mr. Beddoe.

See that crescent wrench up on top there?

Yes, I see it.

Well, why don't you hand it to me...

Tail first, of course, because the jaws may be venomous.

Thanks.

Back me at what?

A fight.

Sorry, I'm retired.

Since when?

Since I decided to retire.

My employer is willing to pay you $15,000

for this fight, Mr. Beddoe.

Against who?

A man named Jack Wilson.

You know Wilson?

I know of him.

Let's not quibble, Mr. Beddoe.

$25,000.

Is that win or lose or just win?

The money will be payable, win or lose.

$10,000 in advance.

Give it to Clyde.

Yes.

Who's Clyde?

He's my manager.

Aw, Jesus Christ!

Don't worry. He won't hurt you.

You want me to give $10,000 to an ape?

He handles all my business.

You stash that. Don't let Ma see you.

Good boy.

Good boy.

I-I'll be in touch.

Yeah, I'm sure.

[CB radio] You there, Harry?

What do you got?

Dead battery, sunset and Lincoln.

Green '73 Chevrolet.

Got it. Be about 20 minutes

20 minutes?

You're too late by half, Harry.

[Radio] ♪ on a street in west L.A. ♪

♪ You're the reason God made Oklahoma... ♪♪

Hang on, green Chevy.

Harry's on the way.

Have you seen Clyde?

No.

Is he gone?

About a couple hours.

Is he in the shed?

I'll take another look.

[Engine starts]

No hairy-assed jungle jumper

is going to outsmart Zanobia Boggs.

That goddamn banana head probably ate it!

Send him down to that...

Work and slave for that ape of yours.

Work and slave.

Well, I appreciate that, Ma.

You haven't seen him, have you?

No, no. I ain't seen him.

[Door shuts]

I'll find it.

You better believe I'll find it.

♪ Am I bein' too tender ♪

♪ or are you just too tough? ♪

♪ Right now, I'm feelin' like I've had enough ♪

♪ if I've been all wrong instead of all right ♪

♪ either your love's too loose ♪

♪ or mine is too tight ♪

♪ when the wheel of fortune spins again ♪

♪ I plan to be a winner ♪

♪ does the magic in your eyes disguise a Saint ♪

♪ or just a sinner? ♪

♪ Playin' your game ♪

♪ is one hell of a gamble ♪

♪ if you're too loose to love ♪

♪ then you're too hot to handle ♪

♪ am I being too weak when I need to be strong? ♪

♪ Hangin' around here after your love is gone ♪

♪ has it all been a lie, or am I thinkin' small? ♪

♪ I love all the way, or I don't love at all ♪

♪ when the wheel of fortune spins again ♪

♪ I plan to be a winner ♪

♪ does the magic in your eyes disguise a Saint ♪

♪ or just a sinner? ♪

Have you seen Clyde?

Yep.

Right behind you, Philo.

♪ If you're too loose to love ♪

♪ then you're too hot to handle ♪♪

[Applause]

Lynne Halsey-Taylor, ladies and gentlemen!

Now let's everybody get ready for Fats Domino!

♪ Every afternoon, when I wake up ♪

♪ I say a little prayer and drink up ♪

♪ and thank the Lord ♪

♪ for drivin' me home once more... ♪

He ain't supposed to be out like this.

What did I do? I was just singing a number,

and he came in and sat down.

He probably got lost

and recognized this place.

Maybe he wanted to see me.

Not everybody hates me, you know.

I don't hate you.

I can take just about any kind of pain.

There's just one I have no tolerance for.

Some kinds

I can't tolerate, either.

Are you going to do another set?

No. I'm just doing one set a night.

They're all here to see Fats.

You sound good.

Thank you. Real good.

♪ ...hangovers every day ♪

♪ flyin' high with honky-tonk angels ♪

♪ in whiskey heaven ♪

Do you have any wheels?

No.

Give you a ride home, if you like.

I like.

[Clyde slurps]

Ok. Let's go.

♪ ...in whiskey heaven ♪

♪ we drink a little red wine ♪

♪ stay drunk most of the time ♪

♪ we all be raisin' hell all night ♪

♪ in whiskey heaven ♪♪

This is it?

Anything wrong with it?

No, not a thing.

Well, I guess I can't ask you in.

I guess not.

Bye, Clyde.

Thanks, Philo.

[Grunting]

Shut up, meathead.

Hey! It's Philo Beddoe!

Are we bad mothers?

We are bad mothers!

♪ Sha la sha doo wah ♪

♪ sha la sha doo wah ♪

♪ sha la sha doo wah ♪

♪ shoo wop wop wop waa-a-ah ♪♪

Hey, Beddoe! It's us!

Ha ha ha ha!

You talkin' to me?

I ain't talkin' to you, Beddoe.

I'm readin' your death warrant.

I didn't know you boys could read.

Oh, now that's real cute.

We're gonna kill you slow, boy...

Take maybe a week.

Well, I wouldn't want to rush you.

Yeah, the first day, I think,

you're probably gonna be shaking

like some blind faggot at a weenie roast.

[All laugh]

You got him real good, Cholla.

You got him real good with that one.

Shut your hole.

Except this time,

ain't gonna be no weenie roast.

No, this time it's gonna be an ape roast.

Right turn, Clyde.

Grrr!

Ooh!

Uh...

Hey, Cholla.

They're gettin' away.

♪ Oow whee ooh ooh ♪♪

Why me?

Aw, what the hell.

I guess maybe it's time.

She's in room 25,

but you can't go up there.

No, Ma'am, I know that.

You're not allowed up there!

I won't be long, Ma'am.

Operator, get me the police.

Oh, excuse me.

Hey, wait a minute.

Excuse me, Ma'am. I didn't see a thing...

Hardly.

You aren't allowed up here!

I know that, Ma'am.

[Knocks]

Who is it?

Philo.

You're not allowed up here.

Must be true. You're the third person who's told me that.

Well...

We've got an extra room at the house.

I don't need any handouts.

Handouts are what you get from the government.

A hand up is what you get from friends.

Are you a friend?

I'm a friend.

[Siren]

I don't have so many friends

that I can afford to lose one.

There's a guy in here.

[Knocks]

Oh... what is it?

Sorry, Ma'am.

What we got here, ladies,

is a case of wishful thinking.

They all think we moon around all day

lusting after their bodies.

Some of us do, Rita.

Whoo!

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!

Where's Clyde?

[Grunting]

Oh, shit.

Aw, well.

So how you going to write this one up?

I'm not. Plus, you were a lot of help.

You can always say

she was nuts about your toothpaste smile.

You could bust them

for harassing an officer.

Just shut up.

Hey!

It's them!

Argh!

Come on, come on! We can catch them!

You catch them!

Jesus!

So, where are you going to sleep?

We have a guest room out back, I told you.

Good night.

Good night.

Hi, Clyde. You still up?

What are you doing, pal?

An oreo cookie for me?

I'll save mine till later.

Good night, buddy.

Mind if I come in?

No, not at all.

[Crunch]

What was that?

Just a cookie I was saving till later.

Well, never mind.

You can have me instead.

[Clyde grunts]

No looking now.

[Smack]

[Smack]

[Whistles]

Oh...

We chased him away.

Well, fresh air is good for him.

Besides, he'll guard the door.

Is he reliable?

Anything gets past Clyde

is 40 feet high with fangs.

I think we're safe.

I think.

I think I love you.

I think that's a piece of luck for me.

♪ People keep tryin' to make a monkey out of me ♪

♪ the human race is drivin' me up a tree ♪

♪ just how famous can an orangutan be? ♪

♪ I'm a livin' legend already, you see ♪

♪ if they had a hall of fame ♪

♪ just for all of us orangutan ♪

♪ well, I'd be the first one they would name ♪

♪ to the orangutan hall of fame ♪

♪ my likeness will be carved in stone ♪

♪ if I just a-keep on a-keepin' on ♪

♪ they'll say, "Clyde, we'd like you to hang" ♪

♪ "in the orangutan hall of fame" ♪

♪ who the hell is King Kong? ♪

♪ I'm gonna hang ♪

♪ in the orangutan hall of fame ♪♪

Philo.

Jordan said he'd give us $200 big ones

if we scrap that merc for him.

Great.

Clyde, scrap the merc.

Come on, Clyde. You got work to do!

Mind if I jog with you?

Hell, no.

We must be 3 miles out.

How much further before you turn back?

Oh, a couple more.

That's 10 miles round trip.

You do this every day?

More or less.

I'm not sure I'm gonna make it.

I'm kind of new to this physical stuff.

You're doing real good.

Thanks. The doc said I had to get some exercise.

All I do is sit behind a desk all day.

You sit behind it, or you carry it around?

Well, I play a little squash sometimes.

You look like you do some lifting.

A little. Mostly engine blocks.

That'll do the job.

Careful of that soft shoulder there.

That's a hell of a drop.

You got a pretty good grip for a new guy.

A lot of strength in fear.

I believe I owe you.

I believe you do.

Philo...

You can't do this fight.

Why not?

I been checking with some people,

and I found out who Jack Wilson is.

Look, the fight's gonna get us a new truck,

maybe a new roof, and a few extras for Ma.

He killed two men last year.

One.

So what? The other one's lying someplace

with nothing below the neck but memories.

Well, I told 'em I was gonna do it.

I know I don't have much influence with you anymore

since you got a girlfriend,

but damn it, Philo, you can't do this!

I'm doing it.

Don't you go telling Lynne about Wilson

now, you hear?

Yeah.

Ah.

Move over, Clyde.

It looks like both of us are gettin' aced.

Yeah.

♪ There's one too many women in your life ♪

♪ the one you say you love ♪

♪ and the one you call your wife... ♪

Hey.

A friend of yours?

Yeah.

Nice voice...

Nice style.

I think so.

♪ ...too many women in your life ♪♪

Why don't you get somebody

who can sing around here?

Uh... that's not polite.

Aw, forget it.

Complaint department is open now, Sonny.

Oh!

Aah!

♪ Good guys always say that crime doesn't pay ♪

♪ but for some men, there's no other way ♪

♪ the bad guys always claim both sides are the same ♪

♪ the good guys and the bad guys ♪

♪ now, I've been jailed with no bail... ♪

You play a hell of a game of squash.

So do you.

I believe that makes us even.

I believe it does.

Find out what you want to know?

Yeah, I did. You're fast, and you like pain.

You eat it like candy.

I seen a few cases like that in my time.

You know, more they get hurt, the more dangerous they become,

but you got to be durable, too.

Real durable.

Most ain't.

Yeah, you're right. Most ain't.

Let's call this fight off. There's no point to it.

I ain't doin' it for points.

Oh, you're good, but you're not good enough.

♪ The good guys and the bad guys... ♪

I... I don't want to hurt you,

and that's the truth.

Sometimes we can't always do

what we want to, right?

Yeah.

Your money's no good here.

Well, thank you.

A pleasure watching you work.

Same here.

Who was that?

That was a friend of mine.

We used to play squash sometimes.

♪ The good guys always say ♪

♪ that crime doesn't pay ♪

♪ but for some men, there's no other way ♪

♪ the bad guys always claim both sides are the same ♪

♪ the good guys and the bad guys ♪♪

I don't want you to fight.

You, too?

I thought you weren't supposed

to say anything to her.

I thought she'd have more influence.

Don't do it, Philo.

I'm doing it, and that's the end of it.

But he kills people.

The subject ain't open for discussion.

Go ahead. Get yourself killed,

you selfish lunkhead.

Better still,

let him scramble your brains

and turn you into a turnip

so I can spend the next 20 years watering you.

[Clyde grunts]

You, too?

All right. Clyde, go get the money.

Go ahead.

[Sighs]

Orville, here's the card.

Call that guy.

Tell him to come get his dough.

Under my own mattress.

Humiliating!

Outsmarted by a banana head!

Pffft!

[Whistles]

Hey! I just spent the last five hours

on a very bumpy airplane, Mr. Beddoe.

I'm not in a good mood.

I don't blame you.

We have a deal, Mr. Beddoe.

We had a deal.

Clyde, get the man his money back.

One does not cancel deals with James Beekman.

One takes one's money back,

or else Clyde gets bugged at one.

I am holding it for you, Mr. Beddoe.

I will add $15,000 to it

and give it to you

when you show up for the fight.

Bear this in mind, Mr. Beddoe.

What Wilson will do to you is nothing

compared to what we will do to you

if you don't show up for the fight.

Clyde, escort the man out.

You will have a visit

from some of my friends very soon.

Will they be driving Cadillacs, too?

Yes, long and black!

Clyde, scrap the caddy.

Oh, Jesus!

Oh, God!

Oh, Jesus!

God.

Oh, God.

Aah!

He's crazy.

Hey, how about we go up to Bakersfield,

and mess around for a couple days?

No, thank you. I'm not Clyde.

I can't sit around eating bananas

while you and the broad are playing patty cake.

Hey, she's not a broad.

I know that!

Damn it! I'm just talkin' mad.

You're allowed to talk mad to your friends,

you know, if they are.

They are, and you're allowed.

Shit!

She's a real nice girl.

I know.

A piece of luck.

I think.

But I don't have to like it.

Hell, no. I wouldn't, either.

You wouldn't?

Uh-uh.

Well, maybe I ought to get really mad

at you, then.

[Door opens]

[Radio] ♪ I have no love to cling to... ♪♪

You better get going before he goes down the block again

after that lady's St. Bernard.

Jesus, I never saw a dog turn gray overnight before.

Come on. That's enough.

You'll get blasted

before we reach Bakersfield.

Let's go.

You take care now.

All right. You, too.

Ok, Clyde.

[Engines start]

Seems like Orville's not very happy these days.

I know. I guess he thinks

you've taken up some of his space.

But I can't give it back to him.

I know.

Hang on.

No!

Lock the doors.

Cholla!

I'm hardening!

I'm hardening, too.

Shut up and get him. Move!

I'm froze.

Dead meat, Beddoe!

Ha ha ha! Dead meat!

[Crack]

Oh, you're gonna pay for this.

You're gonna pay!

[Thud]

What are you going to do with them?

Well, we can't leave them here.

Dogs'll come along and piss on 'em.

Ain't fair to the dogs.

You'll pay for that, too, Beddoe!

Pffft!

Will you be able to get this stuff off?

Sure. We'll just peel them like bananas.

Of course, that tar will take most of their hair off with it.

Oh? Painful?

Moderately.

Too bad.

You're really going to pay for this, Beddoe.

I already am paying for it.

$20 for this tow boom

and another $20 I'm adding on

for cleaning up my truck.

That's $40 you owe me.

[Grumbles]

We should be back in 15, 20 minutes, I hope.

Good luck.

Come on, Clyde, scrap the gate.

Come on, boy. Come on.

Despite your irresistible charm, old buddy,

she may have some reservations.

You just feed her this banana.

That'll put her out not more than about 40 minutes.

If that doesn't work,

just pop her in the ass and squeeze the bulb. Got that?

[Psst]

Clyde, sometimes I think you're not too tightly wrapped.

Oh, no! What happened?

I seem to have the only primate in the country

that's a dope addict.

Be right back.

Be careful!

Well, it's his own damn fault

if I get the wrong one.

Who the hell are you?

We're looking for Philo Beddoe.

He ain't here. Get out of my house!

Who the hell are...

That ain't him!

Where is he?

Why don't you go...

Ma!

Where is he?

Uh...

Bakersfield.

Where in Bakersfield?

I don't know.

[Click]

Um...

He's gonna find a motel when he gets there.

Oh!

Oh!

Son of a bitch!

Jesus Christ!

Honestly!

Oh, come on!

Jeez.

Looks like you got the right one.

Yeah.

Come on.

Grrr!

Do you think he knows what to do?

Well, there've been primates around

for 80 million years.

I don't think they'd set

that kind of record

without knowing something.

I guess not.

[Smack]

[Grunting]

What is that?

It's just Clyde showing off.

That's part of the courtship.

[Grunting]

My God! That's obscene!

Sure sounds obscene.

Hey! Don't I get a courtship?

What do you want me to do?

I don't know. Show off a little.

What do you say, big boy?

How's that?

I'm impressed.

Ha ha ha!

Will it hold both of us?

Eeeepp!

We're leaving this place immediately.

Get up!

Mmm! You savage.

[Snort]

Ha ha ha!

Luther!

[Snort]

Grrr!

Luther, stop that!

[Crack]

Ow!

My back!

I've thrown out my back!

Stretch your arms, Luther.

Don't tense.

Oh, damn fool!

I should have known better.

It was very brave, Luther.

That was a heavy chair.

You looked very impressive.

So did you.

Hmm...

It's been a long time.

How many?

About a hundred.

Let's go.

Bakersfield.

Hey!

Get away from there!

It ain't right to watch folks

go humpity-bumpity.

Hey...

Baby!

Oh, my God. What have I done?

The first live one in 20 years,

and I disable him.

Oh! Aw, come on, sweetie.

Aw.

That was just a little tickle

to loosen you up, you know?

Now, I'll tell you what you do.

Get yourself a good eyeful.

Come on.

Just look right in.

Enjoy yourself.

And when you're ready for a little romp,

I'll be in the office.

♪ Roll me in the clover ♪

♪ roll me in the clover, ha ha ha ha ♪

♪ cha cha cha cha cha cha cha ♪♪

You know, I ain't a church going person,

but I swear that's going to be

a thing of the past.

Let him be all right.

I didn't hit him hard.

He should still have one good one left.

Sweetie!

Thank you, lord.

That's it.

Uh, say, excuse me, officer,

can you tell me where the Pink Cloud motel is?

Yeah. Hang a right out here,

go down a little bit a-ways.

Can't miss it.

How would you and your girlfriend there

like to race me over?

[Siren]

Come on, guys. Come on.

[Tires squeal]

[Horns honk]

[Sirens]

Philo!

All right, wise guy.

Which station?

Fourth street. Why?

Fourth street station!

What is it, snookums?

Somebody smashed into our car, honeybunch.

We can always get another car.

Come back to bed, sweetheart.

What's that for?

Just in case.

Here, take her home.

Hurry on back.

You wait here.

Over this way.

That's enough.

Aah!

Aah!

Thanks, old buddy.

That took guts. I owe you one.

Don't even think about it.

How long has she been like this?

All morning. Ain't said a word.

I suppose you'll have to fight now.

Yeah.

I don't think they're actually gonna hurt her.

I think they just want you to fight, that's all.

I know.

Piece of crap, though.

Yep.

She's...

Getting on.

You think her brains are...

You know, turning soft?

Jelly, Sonny. Jelly.

♪ Jelly roll killed my Mama ♪

♪ drove my daddy stone blind ♪♪

You're going to church next Sunday.

You, too.

Philo, it's him.

Yeah?

Jackson, Wyoming. Saturday, noon.

Not until I talk to her.

You are in no position to set conditions, friend.

You heard me.

Guido.

Philo? You ok?

I'm fine. Look, don't fight. They don't dare hurt me.

I trust you're not so foolish as to believe that.

No, I'm not.

Lynne, the fight's not your concern.

I'll have you out of there on Saturday.

Philo...

Do we have a deal, Mr. Beddoe?

You'll produce her Saturday noon,

before the fight, right?

Deal.

All right, boys. Belly up to the table

and get yourselves some hair there.

Here, paint on some eyebrows.

You look like a bunch of freaks!

Hey! You promised me a mustache!

He promised me I could be a blond.

I want to be a redhead.

Give me that brow liner.

Give me some eyebrows.

Where's that blond wig?

Tell them to give me what I asked for.

This is the one.

I love it.

Nobody knows nothin'.

I checked everybody I know,

even the sleazies.

Well, they're probably holding her

somewhere near Jackson.

We'll just do a little scouting.

♪ Sha la sha doo wah ♪

♪ sha la sha doo wah ♪

♪ sha la sha doo wah ♪

♪ shoo bop bop bop ♪♪

Oh, Jesus.

Why don't you just shut up

and start passing out them tickets there?

Ain't got the heart.

You've got enough trouble.

[Snickering]

Wait a minute. You have to give us them tickets.

You have to. I mean, didn't you see us?

We're lawbreakers!

I mean, we are totally despicable!

We have earned them tickets!

Son... you are a walking violation

of the laws of nature,

but we don't enforce them laws.

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!

Lord, you have given me

these crosses to bear, and I will carry them

all the way from Jerusalem to Jackson,

whichever's closer.

But hear me, lord.

Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will chew on Philo Beddoe's ass

for my last supper!

♪ Yah! ♪

♪ Yippee-yi-ay ♪

I bid three.

I think I lose.

♪ The killer hit the town at daybreak ♪

♪ ate the door off the local saloon ♪

♪ he started to drink ♪

♪ you could tell he was thinkin' ♪

♪ there'll be a showdown soon ♪

♪ Patti hit town in a cloud of dust ♪

♪ old flame was buzzin' like a saw ♪

♪ and the whole town got as quiet as a church ♪

♪ when the killer stepped out for the draw... ♪

Excuse me, sir, there's a call for you...

A Mr. Beekman.

Hello, Beeky. It's your dime.

Zack, I got a sporting event

laid out for this Saturday,

a fire-eater named Philo Beddoe...

Ha ha...

Against Jack Wilson.

Philo Beddoe? Never heard of him.

Hey, Melvin, can Beddoe whip Jack Wilson?

Beddoe's good, real good,

but I'd have to give Wilson the edge.

How big an edge?

If it was my money, 7 to 5.6 to 5 is a fair bet.

I might be interested at 4 to 1.

Even money, Zack.

Well, I might go 3 to 1.

I've reserved your suite for you.

I'll be there.

♪ Yippee-yi-ay yay! ♪

♪ Cow Patti ♪♪

Yee-haw! Y'all saddle up.

We going on a trip.

Jim Martin and his crew are coming in

from Kansas City.

Yeah?

We got contingents coming from Seattle, L.A., Frisco.

Any takers at 6 to 5?

We got about $30 grand.

You know, Jim, we might have to go 2 to 1

if we want to pick up the action.

We'll get enough action at 8 to 5.

All right. But I'll call the boss and set up a layoff.

No!

No. There's not going to be a layoff.

Jim, we're liable to get a couple of million bucks

on this fight.

Wilson's not gonna lose.

We try any funny stuff here,

they're gonna retire us to the Jersey flats.

No, no funny stuff.

I'm telling you, Wilson's gonna take him.

All we got to do...

We set up a little layoff.

You and me... we take a nice 6%, 7% cut.

We walk away, a couple of hundred grand. No risk.

I'd rather walk away

with a couple of million.

Yeah. Yeah, all right.

I'll go along, but if Wilson loses,

you better have snowshoes

because north of the arctic circle

is the only place we'll be safe.

Welcome to Jackson, Mr. Wilson.

It's a great honor to serve you. Great honor.

I'm going to take you up to the suite myself.

Here, let me take this.

There are presently three parties in progress,

one of which started yesterday afternoon.

If there's anything you need, anything at all,

the hotel does allow pets in the room,

if you understand my meaning.

I don't keep pets.

No pets, no booze.

I can read.

And no parties.

That's Aunt Hortense... The last party she was at

was Teddy Roosevelt's inauguration.

Is she your aunt by blood or marriage?

Blood.

I'd be careful about having any children

if I was you.

I always am.

This is the 15th private jet this morning.

What's going on?

Bare-knuckle fight...

California boy named Philo Beddoe

is taking on some monster from the east coast.

I ain't seen anything in the papers.

Strictly illegal. No referee.

And the fight won't end

until one or the other's half dead.

[Airplane approaches]

Oh, my God.

I think I'm doing something wrong.

You're doing just fine, hon.

Yeah, but we've been flying upside-down

for 15 minutes, Zack.

It just takes a little time

to get the hang of it.

Don't be hard on yourself.

It's just like that ride at the fair

where everything falls out.

I hope so.

Oh, you're terrible!

You can't drink upside-down.

Sure you can.

Here. Try it.

All right!

Ha ha ha!

Hey, it works!

You'd be surprised what you can do upside-down.

Surprise me.

I'll take the south side of town.

You take the north.

What are we looking for?

I don't know. Just keep your eyes out

for anything peculiar

and keep Aunt Hortense out of sight.

[Grunt]

Why, you're Philo Beddoe!

Yes, Ma'am.

It's him!

Why, he's lookin' too good!

Oh, too good by a half.

Excuse me, Ma'am.

We can't get decent odds on you

looking that good.

We're trying to find some fool who'll give us 2 to 1.

Try to look a little more peaked, would ya?

Yeah. Excuse me.

Oh.

Sorry.

You damn fool! Let me see that hand.

Wiggle your fingers.

Oh, my.

You could've broke that hand,

made paupers out of all of us.

Sorry about that.

What are you standing around here gabbing for?

Get on back to jogging!

I think I might do that.

And no booze, no parties,

in bed by 8:00.

You can count on that.

I do!

Did y'all see that... The way he grabbed me?

Used one hand like I was a feather!

Ha ha! Hoo!

Son of a gun, boys, we gonna be rich!

We're already rich, Zack.

Mind if I jog with you?

You work for some pretty strange folks.

Who I work for is my business.

They got my girl.

Hey, they're running together!

Look at that!

Talk about beef on a hook!

Eat him for breakfast!

I got $40 on Beddoe.

You're on.

I didn't know.

I didn't say you did.

I just said you work for some strange folks.

Their business isn't mine.

Never said it was.

We're even.

Remember?

Oh, yeah.

Jim, Tony Paoli's on the way up.

Ha ha ha!

Poor little Tony. He never learns.

Not junior. Senior!

Big Tony?

Big Tony.

What's he coming here for?

[Knock on door]

Uh... Mr. Paoli.

What a pleasure to see you.

I hear you ain't laying off any of the action.

[Snap]

No, not so far. No, sir.

You got guts.

I admire a man with guts.

So I says, "Big Tony,

"maybe now's the time you go out

"and make a little bet

with this high-roller Beekman, with guts."

$100,000?

Mr. Beekman,

you and I are not men who deal

in five zeros.

Uh-oh. He means six zeros, Jim.

He means six zeros, Jim.

Ha. Ha ha!

Of course, I have to cover it, huh?

Of course.

Give us a look, sweetie.

Come on, honeybunch.

Show us those big, blue eyes.

No. Uh-uh.

He's a menace. Goes around peeking in windows.

Ogled at me last night while I was getting it on

with two young beauties.

Look, Clyde has no interest in human sex.

What were you doing, getting it on with a couple apes?

Get out. Out.

Let's go.

The fight ain't on till noon.

I know that, but I found out where they're holding Lynne.

The best time to hit them is when they move her.

What's going on?

He found out where Lynne is.

Let's go!

Uh, no. They're packing heat, and they might use it.

I'm his friend, Clyde's his friend. We go.

Hop in there, kid.

Hey!

Right turn, Clyde.

Hargh!

You all right?

I'm fine.

Why don't you get the cops and an ambulance?

No, the cops ain't part of the bargain.

All right, just the ambulance, then.

That bullet was mine.

I like being a hero too sometimes, you know.

You're doing a good job with it.

Look, I just saved you guys ass from the slammer,

so now they belong to me.

If I ever see you again,

I'm going to come and collect them.

You just get in this car and you keep driving west

until you see the surf.

You got it?

Move!

I owe you one.

Uh-uh. We're even.

Your hairy friend back there saved my skin for me.

We're even, then.

You're not going to fight, are you?

Well, if I don't, it's a forfeit.

A lot of people bet money on me,

not all of 'em are rich.

If neither one of us showed up, there wouldn't be any fight.

Then all the bets would be off.

That's something to think about.

Wilson!

He hung up.

Well, that's it.

Neither of them are going to show.

All the bets are off, then!

Damn it! I spent a lot of time, a lot of money

setting this thing up.

Well, you'd better let the sporting folks know.

Yeah.

So, are you going to fight?

I don't know. That depends on Wilson.

You wanna stay here with Orville?

Oh, say, on your way out,

could you kind of tell the nurses

what a hero I am?

Why didn't I think of that?

Is that the hero?

Oh, yeah, that's him lying right there.

You're a good man, Philo Beddoe.

Ooh. It hurts here.

Young man's got a real healthy appetite.

That he does.

I don't think we can end it even.

I don't think.

But then, on the other hand,

I don't have any great desire

to make Beekman rich.

You figure you would?

I figure.

But then I guess we'll just have to find out

if I would've or not, huh?

I guess.

Yeah.

Real shame.

It would've been the fight of the century.

Sure as hell would've.

[Sigh]

I killed a $100,000 deal

to get out here for this fight.

Hell, it would've been worth it.

Wilson would've taken him.

The hell he would have.

Who cares?

Come on.

Get up there.

[Punches landing]

Hey, look at this!

What? What?

Wow! Let me see.

Let me see!

All right, you kids. What are you doing here?

I said, what are you kids doing here?

Come on, move back, move back.

It's on.

It's... the...

The fight. Give me that.

Jackson base, this is car two.

The fight... the fight is on.

Here.

Breaker, breaker one-nine. This is the good news channel.

It's on! The fight is on!

Did you hear that? Ha ha ha!

Well, what you waitin' for, dummy?

Aren't you going to have any?

[Telephone rings]

Mmm!

Yeah.

Yeah.

Jim, the fight is on! They're fighting!

What time is it?

Uh... it's 11:50.

All bets don't cancel till noon.

That means all bets are still on.

Come on, let's go, let's go!

Mmm!

[Honk honk]

[Whistles]

Taxi!

Taxi!

It's on!

What?

The fight!

[Honk]

It's on! The fight's on!

Yay!

Let's go! Come on!

Hey, Cholla,

what are we doing on foot?

I told you, the cops pinched the bikes.

Yeah, but what for?

Who's running this outfit, anyway,

you or me?

Fight him.

Come on, hit him.

Come on!

Come on, Jack!

Come on, Jack!

[Grunting]

Come on, boy.

Come on.

Come on, Clyde.

Just right around the corner,

and we'll be ringside, boys.

Ahh-hoo!

Here we go, honey.

All right. Where's the fight?

Come on, Zack.

Let's go, boys!

That's it, that's it.

Come on, we have a bundle on you!

Come on, Philo!

Come on!

Come on!

Kill him.

You heard me. Right now!

Hey, listen up! Listen up now!

That's Beekman's hoods up there.

They're going to kill Beddoe.

Hey, Cholla, that's great. Let's give them a hand.

You twit. I sold all the bikes

and put everything we had on Beddoe to win.

Cholla, how could you?

We've been at war with Beddoe for over a year.

War is war, but business is business.

If Beddoe loses, we are flat busted.

Business is business!

Don't stand there, you freaks. Go get them!

Yeah!

What?

Ooh!

Yeah!

Ooh!

Aah!

Uh!

Aah! Shall we?

[Glass breaks]

Aah!

Oh!

Aah!

Ah.

[Cough cough]

We could end it here, you know.

Even?

No. You owe me one.

Is it over?

I don't know.

You think they'd buy that

while I'm still standing?

Nope.

All right!

Come on, Jack!

Hit him! Hit him, Jack!

Go get him, Philo!

Go, Philo!

It's broke.

That's it.

No, it ain't.

That's it!

His arm's broke.

Philo broke his arm!

Philo broke his arm!

Please, stop this.

It doesn't matter.

It matters to me.

Beddoe?

We're even.

I owe you.

Come on. Come on, Clyde.

Put that spaghetti down. Come on!

All right!

Unh! Uhh!

[Fighting]

Ohh!

Oohh! Uhh!

Unhh! Aaahh!

Ohhhh!

Ohh...

Aaahh!

I knew he'd do it!

You get your money's worth.

Was I out?

Yeah.

How long?

Long enough.

That's it, then.

That's it.

That's it.

That was one hell of a fight.

You better get that arm fixed.

[Cheering]

I think we'd better get out of here.

I think you're right.

Whoo! Whoo!

Yeah!

He's paying off 30 cents on the dollar,

but he offered us 40 cents

if we promise not to touch him.

Yeah.

Did you promise?

Of course.

Good.

Now go back there and, uh...

Kill him.

Hell, Zack, 30 cents on the dollar

isn't gonna pay for the cost of that plane.

It don't matter.

Hell, it's worth it to pay for the privilege

of seein' a fight like that.

Sure as hell is.

Oh, I should say.

I'm gonna have to call you on your bloomers, Ma'am.

Oh, damn it!

Chivalry ain't dead in Texas!

Well, thank you, Ma'am.

What's the matter? Who is it?

It's Tony's boys.

Tony's boys? What are they comin' here for?

What the hell you think they're comin' here for?

Yeah, but they promised!

Oh, jeez!

Come on, come on!

Hurry up.

Grab the case.

Come on.

Hey, Beekman.

I believe you owe us

another 70 cents on the dollar.

Come on, get out of the way, you punks!

You really don't know who we are, do you?

Tell him who we are.

We're the Black Widows.

We're feared throughout the land.

Uh... ha ha ha!

Jim! Let's get the hell outta here!

Hey! You see how they lit outta here

when they found out who we was?

Didn't I tell you I'd make you great, huh?

Yeah, but we still got screwed, man!

Right, Dallas. We got screwed.

Heh heh heh heh heh heh!

Not quite.

And I'd, uh,

check that case if I were you.

Ha ha ha!

♪ Any which way you can ♪

♪ just love me any which way you can ♪

♪ my love's not the chokin' kind ♪

♪ you've got your life and I've got mine ♪

♪ so if you can never be free... ♪

I got a telegram

from Ma in Bakersfield.

She's at another revival.

What are you gonna do?

You gonna head back east?

Yeah, I guess so.

California ain't such a bad place.

Well, I'm not all that wild about it,

but I do like the people,

and the music is great.

Why, thank you.

What about Beekman?

You gonna have any problems with him?

Beekman's the one with the problem.

He can't cover the bets.

Ha ha ha!

Orville, what do you say?

I'm stayin' here in Jackson.

Uh, medical... care.

Sure.

I love the place, and I love the people.

Right, Clyde? Mmm!

Right, Clyde? Mmm!

Ha ha ha!

♪ Just love me any which way you can ♪

♪ my love's not the chokin' kind ♪

♪ you've got your life and I've got mine ♪

Hey, Beddoe!

You talkin' to me?

Yeah, I'm talkin' to you!

We got a little debt to settle.

We do, huh?

Heh heh heh.

$40 bucks!

Now, I believe that makes us even.

I believe so.

You know, Beddoe,

that was one hell of a fight

you put up over there.

I mean one hell of a fight.

I understand you boys had a little scuffle yourself.

Ha ha ha!

Yeah. Wasn't half bad!

Uh...

Oh! Ha ha ha!

These, uh, things don't look bad

when you get 'em on straight.

No. They look real good.

Ha ha ha!

You take care, Beddoe.

You do the same.

[Thwack]

Let's go!

Yeah!

Yee-hah!

Yee-hah!

Are we rich?

We're rich!

We are rich! Whoo!

Whoo!

[Clyde grunts]

What do we have here?

A new girlfriend, Clyde?

Ah!

Ha ha ha!

Very nice, but we may have trouble

gettin' you this one.

[Grunt]

We'll do what we can, boy.

[Grunts]

[Siren]

I thought I recognized you

and your hairy friend.

Because of you,

I'm stuck out here in this steam bath.

I'm citing you for speeding and reckless driving.

What? We were only doin' 50!

And I'm impounding this truck for evidence.

Impound it? For what?

Evidence for transporting an animal

without certificates of ownership

and certificates of inoculation.

[Clyde belches]

Nobody owns Clyde. He's a free person.

The animal goes to the kennel.

The truck goes to the police yard.

I'm gonna be roasting out in this desert

for the next 3 years because of you, Beddoe.

You're gonna pay.

Right turn, Clyde.

[Grunt]

Onward.

♪ I was mindin' my own business ♪

♪ sippin' on a beer ♪

♪ when some old boy pushed me way too far ♪

♪ I got up to ask him why ♪

♪ then he punched me in the eye ♪

♪ and all hell broke loose in that bar ♪

♪ there's always the good guys and the bad guys ♪

♪ some things will never change ♪

♪ there's still sheriffs in New York ♪

♪ and outlaws on the range ♪

♪ they're still hanging 'em in Utah ♪

♪ for breakin' the law ♪

♪ still burnin' their stills in Arkansas ♪

♪ the good guys always say that crime doesn't pay ♪

♪ but for some men, there's no other way ♪

♪ the bad guys always claim both sides are the same ♪

♪ the good guys and the bad guys ♪

♪ now I'm in jail with no bail ♪

♪ and that old boy's gone free ♪

♪ and that's how my sad story ends ♪

♪ we both broke the law ♪

♪ but it's me who took the fall ♪

♪ it seems the judge and him were fishin' friends ♪

♪ there's always the good guys and the bad guys ♪

♪ some things will never change ♪

♪ there's still sheriffs in New York ♪

♪ and outlaws on the range ♪

♪ they're hanging 'em in Utah ♪

♪ for breakin' the law ♪

♪ still burnin' their stills in Arkansas ♪

♪ the good guys always say that crime doesn't pay ♪

♪ but for some men, there's no other way ♪

♪ the bad guys always claim both sides are the same ♪

♪ the good guys and the bad guys ♪