Original subtitles

Evening, hot chocolate.

Max, we got big trouble from Little China.

Hi, Max.

Big trouble?

There's nothing big about him. He looks like they won him in a bear claw machine.

Max, what is the worst sentence you ever want to come out of Han's mouth?

I got you pregnant?

Come on, bad, bad.

I got you pregnant again?

I'm putting in karaoke.

No! No!

Han...

Those guys better be up there because we're officially putting ass crack on the menu.

I am adding a TV to bring in more customers.

We can have theme nights, Ultimate Fighter nights,

Real Desperate Housewives of Bravo City nights,

and best of all, karaoke night.

You can't give hispters a microphone.

That's like throwing gasoline on a pretentious fire.

Hipsters like karaoke.

Replace the word "like"

with the word "Hitler"

and you got the three worst things in history.

Max, I hear what you say, but

everybody else say "he-ey!"

All my single ladies!

Okay. Next person is going to sing

Teenage Dream by Katy Perry,

who is pretty now but used to have very horrible acne.

This is the third Teenage Dream in 45 minutes.

Why don't I just close my nuts in the cashier's drawer?

Come on up now, girl named "Stacey."

I got this.

Look, I don't know you, but I like you.

And I respect both hair choices.

I hate karaoke.

I can't afford to have any more hate in my head.

My hate is at capacity.

Sit this one out, I'll comp your cobbler.

What did you do?

Calm your bells down, Oleg.

Not my stations.

Where's Caroline?

Would it make you jealous

if I said she was back here with me?

Jealous? No.

Pissed? Probably, because we're busy

and it would take me all that time

to get the duct tape off her mouth and hands.

What are you doin' in here, snow white?

If you're lookin' for one of your dwarves,

he's out there, holding the mic.

Look, my bite is off.

See, I did the bite test.

The number seven incisor is crossing over number nine.

Hold up. You know the names of your teeth?

Don't you?

I don't even know the name of my father.

Ow, I just bit my tongue.

Ah! Number 12 just joined the party.

I'd stop doing that right now.

You just made it into Oleg's spank bank.

Congratulations.

What am I gonna do without my bite guard?

My teeth don't know where to go.

Well, maybe the should just backpack for a couple of years,

so they figure it out.

Listen, perfect teeth,

this is a nightmare for me.

The technical term for this is "advanced bruxism."

And the technical term for you is "overly dramatic."

Yesterday you freaked out 'cause we were out of toilet paper.

Just hold it till you get to work like everybody else.

Now, maybe I sing while others wait.

Uh-oh. We got real problems now.

I choose Susan Boyle popular song

from all clips on Internet.

It's called I Dream--

Keep dreaming.

Oh, you're back.

We thought you ran away.

Chestnut and I were just about to pick out

another human from the shelter.

I had quite a day.

8:00 to 10:00... Grind, grind, pain.

10:00 to 11:00... Pain, pain, grind.

So I went to the drug store

and bought an $8 bite guard,

which didn't fit my freaky Tim Burton mouth.

And when I tried to return it,

the cashier, Rhonda,

whose nametag said she was happy to help,

but who was neither happy nor helpful,

said that I couldn't return it

because it had already touched my "teef."

For someone whose jaw is about to unhinge,

you're sure flapping it a lot.

Why is this rag with my father on it here?

Don't look at me. Chestnut bought it.

He likes it when I read him his daily horse-oscope.

Why is everybody so obsessed with the fact that

he hasn't said anything?

Haven't you ever been at a loss for words?

Tampons, yes. Words, nah.

Well, this will make me feel better.

Whenever I'm in pain, I need a treat.

You know, whenever you're in pain, that is my treat.

Sushi! I hope you like crab roll.

I never had sushi.

That doesn't even make sense.

No sushi, no dentist... Who are you?

A poor person.

Sushi's lazy.

If I come to your restaurant,

get up off your ass and cook the damn fish.

I wish we could afford to go to this little sushi place

in Tribeca where my father always took me.

We had this little joke.

Every time we'd walk in, I'd always say...

And we would just laugh!

So you're not funny in Japanese either.

I got this at a corner deli.

The cashier was Japanese.

She said it was good.

Oh, I'm sure it's great.

'Cause the disenfranchised immigrant

serving the spoiled white girl

would have no reason to lie.

Get ready for something heavenly!

That's not heaven.

- Spit it out. - Ugh!

Ugh!

What a disappointment.

Your first time.

Well, that's kinda the way it goes with me and first times.

Here, clean yourself off.

That's exactly the way it goes!

It's not that bad.

It's not that bad. It's not that bad.

No.

For a dentist office in the subway,

it's pretty good.

Seriously, how are you not running out of here?

I have no choice.

Now that I have no money or health insurance,

I have to get used to this third-world situation.

Third-world situation?

This is an underworld situation.

Okay, there's bulletproof glass.

With a bullet in it.

All right, so the glass works.

It says to sign in.

Look, why don't you just

take some of our cupcake business savings

and go to a good dentist office?

You know, one where you won't get a staph infection

just from looking at the floor.

No, we can't do that.

That's our future.

Once we start doing that,

it's a slippery slope.

"Nicole Richie"?

I don't want anyone to know I was here.

I know this situation is less than ideal,

but I am having a dental emergency.

No, he's having a dental emergency.

Come on, let's go over here and see if this man can help me.

Hi.

Welcome to Subway Smiles.

I told ya, we'll get to ya.

I'm sorry, girls.

I'm a little shaky.

I was just shot at.

I have a problem with my teeth migrating.

I have advanced bruxism.

Ah. I have hep C.

Everybody's got their something.

What do you need?

We need to be leaving.

I just need a bite guard.

Oh! I can do that.

That's where I squirt foam into your mouth

and make a mold.

Come in the back.

If you go back there with him,

you'll need a bite guard and a rape guard.

You want the gas?

Is that necessary?

You're gonna want the gas, sweetheart.

Let's get outta here.

One more song before we close.

I sing Spice Girls'

Aww, tell me what you want,

what you really, really want.

That boy's more stiff

than Michele Bachmann's husband at a Chippendales.

I will give you the money for trip to fancy dentist.

Really? Oleg, you would do that?

It's favor I do for you.

And at some point, when I come to you for favor,

you will say yes, like I say yes now.

Well, I'd need to know what that favor might be.

I can't say for sure.

Will it be in a week or a month?

I can't say for sure.

Will it be sexual?

Yes, it will be.

This I can say for sure.

Thank you, but no.

I am such an idiot.

I like it. Keep going.

My bite guard is just sitting in the bathroom

of my townhouse.

If I could only get up on the roof,

then I could break in through the skylight

like I used to when I snuck out in high school.

Hello, I'm Max. Have we met?

When I was 15, I paid the security system guys extra

to not wire the skylight,

and then I snuck out and went to Ilana Shapiro's Sweet 16...

- Cute. - In Greece.

Hardcore.

I used to sneak out of the house

and huff spray paint with an ex-marine.

And sometimes, I'd just sneak out,

look up at the stars, and dream.

And then you said that.

See, I told you I can get this skylight open.

Turn on a light!

Wait till I close the closet door.

Why are the floors so bouncy?

It's called "carpet."

What?

No way. No way.

Is this Narnia?

I'm about to say something I swore I'd never say.

O.M.G.

Again...O.M.G.

It's lame, but nothing else really nails it.

This is the room that O.M.G. was born for.

Max, it's just my closet.

Your clothes have a house!

Look, look!

You are rich!

Like, I know you've said you were rich,

but you are rich.

You're embarrassing me.

Are you crazy?

This is nothing to be embarrassed about.

What's this do?

Oh, my God.

You have a shoe rotisserie.

I designed it.

I call it my "Ferris Heels."

I'd judge you if that wasn't exactly what

I'd call it if I had one.

Okay, we should really go now.

Lemme just grab my bite guard.

What?

You have a museum in your closet?

Come on, it's just a bathroom.

Just a bathroom?

It's the Louvre of pooping.

Here it is.

Ow. Ow. Ow.

Oh, yeah.

Do you two need to be left alone?

We have to go.

Can't risk staying much longer.

Wow. Just when I thought your voice

couldn't get any more grating.

It'll loosen up.

Oh.

Seriously, we should go.

Oh, um, I just have to do one more thing before we go.

I think me and your tub are going steady.

Oh, you found the jacuzzi button.

I don't know who found who,

but we're together now.

I'm totally stealing some of these ridonculous bath soaps.

This one's shaped like a vagina.

Seashell.

Sister, this is a mint green vagina.

Did you go to the prom with your dad?

That's my debutante dance,

when I came out.

Out?

Like you came out that you were dating your dad?

Gross.

I think I can still fit a goose feather pillow in.

Hey, what's this one of you and Chestnut and your dad?

Oh, that's when my dad

bought Chestnut for me.

It was my first-period present.

Your dad got you a horse for getting your period?

O.M.G.

Know how I celebrated getting my period?

Stole a painkiller and half a beer

from my mom's boyfriend.

Wasn't a horse, but it was pretty awesome.

How come there are no pictures of your mom?

'Cause there aren't any.

She cheated on my dad when I was five,

and my grandmother got rid of her.

Not in, like, a mob way.

In a society way, which is worse.

So who raised you?

Well, Estella from 1989 to '96.

Then, Dominica from '97 until she went back to Guatemala.

Then no one.

Funny.

You didn't have a father, and I didn't have a mother. So we're--

Oh, we're alike?

Look around. We have nothing in common.

Hey, what's this button for?

Music.

Oh, lemme guess. Show tunes? Boy bands?

Both: I love this song!

♪ You are the girl ♪

♪ that I've been dreamin' of ♪

♪ ever since I was a little girl ♪

♪ you are the girl ♪

♪ that I've been dreamin' of ♪

♪ ever since I was a little girl ♪

♪ One! I'm bitin' my tongue ♪

♪ Two! He's kissin' on you ♪

♪ Three! Oh, why can't you see? ♪

♪ do do do do do do do ♪

♪ do do do do do do do ♪

♪ do do do do do do do ♪

♪ Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! ♪

♪ Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! ♪

See?

I knew what we had in common wouldn't last.

Were you crumping for a second?

Maybe. Were you tootsie-rolling for a second?

Yes.

Okay, get dressed.

We really should go now.

I have all the essentials.

Tampons, toilet paper, comforter, body shimmer.

Wait, what about the clothes?

Oh, what am I gonna do?

Walk around Williamsburg in a $3000 gown?

Oh, my God.

Wait a minute.

Grab everything with a price tag on it

that we can resell.

Or that you think I'd look amazing in.

Not the furs! They're wired!

Why would you wire the furs?

Everybody wires the furs, bitch!

Security's gonna be here in ten minutes.

Just grab everything you can.

Wait! How are we going to carry it all back to Brooklyn?

Jealous?

Look, two seats.

I think you got more stuff than me.

Well, you spent five minutes saying good-bye to the tub.

This was my fa purse to take dancing.

How'd you keep it on your shoulder

when you went all mad crump?

Look. $200!

It's not enough we're sitting on the subway in furs...

You gotta make it rain?

This is so exciting.

It's going right into our cupcake fund.

- Or-- - Or what?

Where was that place you always went with your dad?

Toro with black truffle.

You are about to have a sushi toro-gasm.

Will you calm down? It's just--

Oh, sweet bejesus, that's delicious!

If this is sushi,

what was that other stuff we ate?

Wrong. On every level.

We need more of this.

Like, all of it.

Can we have some more toro?

Thank you so much.

And, uh...

I get it now 'cause I'm rich.

I don't know how you're pulling it off.

What do you mean?

Giving up everything that you had.

The maids, the closet, the dentist, the sushi, the tub.

All of it. The tub.

I almost can't give it up,

but I only had it for an hour.

You're kind of a badass.

Max, you just called me a badass.

I'm drunk on black truffle.

It's my dad!

Wait, he actually exists?

Like the townhouse and the tub?

The tub.

Hi, daddy. How are you?

I miss you so much.

I'm good. No, really.

I'm still staying in Brooklyn with my friend, Max.

She's great.

Oh!

Oh, okay. Hold on.

Love you, daddy.

He wants to talk to you.

Me? Why?

I wouldn't know what to say.

Take it! He's only allowed five minutes.

Yo, what's up, Martin Channing?

Oh.

You're welcome, but I di--

Well, thank you.

Yeah, she's great.

Real trooper.

Well, bye. What?

Okay, I'll tell her.

Daddy?

He's gone.

So that's what a father sounds like.

What did he say?

He wanted me to remind you to wear your bite guard.

See, he can't be as bad as everyone says.

He just can't be.

Oh, my God.

The 200 didn't cover it.

Start checking the purses!

Oh, hey. Do you take hats?

Any cougars in the house?

And in case you don't know,

"cougar" means older lady with a large sexual appetite.

Lady past prime with tight clothes

who wants sex from young men.

Max, what is the one thing worse than karaoke?

Oh, no.

That's right. Open mic night.

Cougar also have face lift.

From behind, look 22.

She turn around, 72.

It's true!

It's funny 'cause it's true.

Bad news.

They heightened security because we tripped the alarm.

The entire townhouse is locked down.

We can never go back!

My tub!

Why does anything that gives me pleasure wind up behind bars?

Forget about the tub.

Everything was inventoried.

We can't sell the furs.

I should've thought of that!

Yeah, you should've.

'Cause you know they always inventory the furs, bitch!