Original subtitles

[Dee] Guys, what are you doing tonight?

[Dennis] What kind of question is that?

[Mac] You're asking us to predict the future.

How can I predict the future?

There's a new martini bar opening up downtown.

I thought maybe we could do something different tonight.

Jesus. Where is this shit coming from?

She just watched that stupid Sex and the City movie.

Oh, my God. When will that show die? Never, apparently.

Dee, you tried this shit 30 years ago when that show first came on the air.

Nobody wants to play Sex and the City with you.

Come on, Charlie! You know you did it! Fess up!

I did not poop the bed!

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Rewind. What?

I'm sorry. Did you say something about pooping in a bed?

Yeah! There was some poop in our bed this morning.

- Oh, Jesus. - And Charlie did it!

That is bullshit! Charlie...

Guys, hold on a second. Relax.

Walk us through what happened. Nice and slow.

Yesterday, we wake up and there's a piece of poop right in the middle of me and Frank.

Wait a minute. So this happened two nights in a row?

Yeah, man! So we throw the first piece of poop out.

Big deal, whatever. Accidents happen, right?

But this morning, there's another piece of poop in the exact same spot.

Frank says it's not him. I say it's not me.

But you bet your ass it's one of us.

This is a lot to handle. The second poop... you held on to it, right?

- Brought it along. - Oh, no.

Dee, we said we can't predict the future.

How could we possibly have seen something this awesome coming?

We're gonna have to clear our schedules. This is gonna require a lot of attention.

You're not gonna go out with me tonight 'cause these idiots found two poopies in a bed?

Yeah, Dee. But it's not the poop.

It's the mystery behind the poop.

Hey, girlfriend! Oh, my God! You scared me!

Did I? My bad. Why did you jump out from behind a car?

- Were you stalking me? - Girlfriend, you're crazy.

- Stop calling me "girlfriend." - So check it.

Puttin' together a girls' night out. I want you to come.

Why would I ever go out with you? I hate you.

I know. I hate you too. That's how we girls are.

We're catty, we backstab...

and talk about each other behind our backs and stalk.

Don't you remember how Samantha and Carrie and the dykey redhead...

used to do that kind of fun stuff?

I don't know who you're talking about. Sex and the City!

You are the worst. I know you're gonna be alone tonight.

I read all about it in the notebook Charlie keeps of your whereabouts.

You don't have any friends. I have a ton of friends.

Name one friend. Frederick.

Frederick is your cat, and he died three weeks ago. It's all here in the notebook.

Stop busting my balls, and let's go meet some men. Give me that notebook.

I'm not gonna give you the notebook. Don't reach for the notebook.

I'll give you the notebook if you come out with me tonight.

Fine. Fun! See you tonight!

You want me to do what?

Well... We want you to examine our poopy.

We just want to know who it came from. That's it.

We don't presume to be scientists. That's why we brought it to you.

We assume there's some kind of test you can run with these machines.

Actually, you don't have to do any tests,

'cause I already know it's Charlie's poop and not mine.

Plus you have a hole in the back of your pajamas.

It's not my poop! You've been sleeping in a giant dress shirt!

It probably fell out of the bottom of it!

We need to figure this out before it tears us apart.

The only way for us to get to the bottom of this...

is for you to tear that poop apart and tell us what's inside.

Just take a look at it. Get inside there.

You want me to examine a plastic container full of feces?

I feel like you were gonna say something else right there, and then you stopped. Right?

- Please get out of my lab. - That wasn't what he was gonna say.

Why do you have to go there? There's no reason to be harsh.

[Charlie] Tiny little simple poop test. [Frank] Just look at it.

You just missed out on an extraordinary adventure. Let's get outta here.

Yeah, there's other ways to figure this out.

Pussy!

Yeah.

Hey. Hey.

Hey, you got a turd?

- Yeah. We got a turd. - I'll take a look at it.

Okay. Well, it's definitely poop.

Uh, yeah. We know that, guy.

Whoever it was seems to have been eating newspaper.

Well, now we're getting somewhere.

Which one of you idiots was eating a goddamn newspaper?

It's gonna go both ways, dude. Really?

Sorry. Yeah. What else?

This appears to be a piece of a credit card.

Shoot. Inconclusive.

How is that not specific to one of you?

I wish it was, man, but that's inconclusive.

Oh, boy. There's a good deal of blood in this stool.

Of course there is. Whoever's it is should see a doctor.

Don't give us judgments. Just tell us what's in there.

What's in there? What else?

This is wolf hair? Wolf hair, mm-hmm.

Also inconclusive. Jesus Christ!

- You knew there was wolf hair? - There is so much wolf hair in our apartment.

But why are you eating it? It gets in everything.

Both of you are eating wolf? We had a wolf in our apartment.

Guys! This is getting us nowhere. Can we move on to the D.N.A. test?

Can you do a D.N.A. test? That's a good idea.

I can't do that. What do you mean?

Aren't you a scientist? Yeah, do it.

No, I'm an econ major. I just wanted to look at some poop.

[Guys Groaning] You're not a scientist?

I never said I was a scien... Bro, you have wasted our time! You have ruined our turd.

That's the only piece of evidence we have. Put it back together!

♪♪ [Electronic Dance]

Who is she again? That's Artemis.

She's the sassy one who always plays by her own rules.

Those guys are playing hard to get.

I'm gonna take off my bra, blast my nips.

Let's hold on that. I think what we need to do is just talk and have fun.

Bring 'em to us, you know? Mm-hmm.

So, Artemis, where'd you get that great top?

Burmington Coat Factory. I got it on sale.

It's irregular.

Oh. Okay.

Excuse me. Hi.

Can we get three Cosmos, please? Make mine a water.

Water? We're in a bar. I have a drinking problem.

Wow. That's a horribly unattractive thing to announce to everybody.

I'd like a water, please. She'll take a Cosmo, and she'll just hold it in her hand.

That is a terrible idea. That's a pretty good idea if you want to get that notebook back.

Yeah, I'll take a Jägerbomb. No. No Jägerbombs.

Okay. Fine, Irish car bomb. No.

Sake bomb? Okay, no!

Nothing with bombs in the name. Okay? Please, the Cosmos.

Go get the Cosmos. Thanks a lot.

Goddamn it!

Hottie alert at 2:00. Here they come.

Incoming. Okay. Let me do the talking.

What's up, ladies? Not much. Just enjoying the view.

Name's Artemis.

I have a bleached asshole.

Okay, it's time to move on to the reenactment and dramatization.

- Jesus Christ, Frank. You sleep in that? - My legs get hot.

I definitely see how something could've slipped out of there. Absolutely.

That would've fallen right out in the middle of the bed.

What about Charlie's hole? What?

Just get into the bed and show us how you sleep.

All right. [Mac] Thank you.

Right off the bat, there's a clear solution. Could've prevented this entire thing.

You guys need to get two beds!

Maybe I'll get two TVs and two refrigerators.

Do we come to your house and tell you how to sleep?

I sleep in a king-size bed by myself.

When I have to go to the bathroom, I use a toilet.

Look at King Dennis on his bed made for kings,

with his toilet made out of gold!

Okay, guys! Everybody calm down, please!

This is not about lifestyle. This is not about judgments.

This is about truth, okay?

Charlie and Frank, show us how you were positioned the night of the incident.

Excuse me. Incidents. [Charlie] All right.

Well, I'm pretty sure I was sleeping like this that night.

So there's no way it could've been me.

Charlie, we sleep ass to ass. You know that.

Oh, great. Okay, clearly we're having a problem with honesty here.

Turn around. Dennis, a word.

I hate to say it, bro, but I think we're gonna have to do an overnight observation.

To be honest, I wouldn't mind seeing how this whole situation really works.

It's fascinating.

You're... [Mutters]

[Cats Meowing]

Well, this just gets weirder and weirder, man.

Yeah. [Muffled Fart]

Oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh! Anything? Hey?

Uh, no, nothin'. False alarm.

Damn it, dude. We can't keep doing this all night. Oh, I know.

You know what? Why don't we sleep in shifts?

I'm not saying this isn't important work.

But I can't keep my eyes open, man. I hear you. I hear you.

I'll tell you what. You go ahead and go first.

I still got a little energy left.

I don't know about this floor. It's covered in sand or something.

It smells like some kind of spice blend or pesticide...

or some other kind of sandy poison or something.

I wouldn't sleep on the floor though.

I gotta sleep with them? You gotta. You gotta.

Are you sure you're all right? I'm fine. I got it.

You sure? Yeah, I'm good.

I'm just gonna sleep for, like, 15 minutes.

And then you wake me up, and we'll switch it off.

You good? I'm fine.

Oh, gosh.

[Snoring]

[Birds Twittering] [All Snoring]

[Sniffing]

[Gasping]

My God!

If we're going to be meeting sophisticated men, we need to start acting with class.

We cannot be telling people that we have bleached assholes.

He was gonna find out anyway. Oh, my God.

And you, you shouldn't be drinking in a shoe store.

You shouldn't be drinking in a shoe store.

What is the matter with you? I told you to pace yourself.

I have a drinking problem. Then you should know how to hold your booze a little better.

I'll hold your boobs a little better. Oh, good one.

- Ladies, can I help you? - Hello. We are here for the Manolos.

And what's your shoe size? Thirteen.

Oh, my. Uh, we don't carry shoes that large.

Perhaps you'd like to try the "big and tall" store down the street?

You know what? I don't like this bitch's attitude.

Hmm. Oh!

[Glass Breaks]

Did she just try and break a bottle over my head?

No. Of course she didn't.

Girls, I'll meet you outside.

Huh? Get her.

Oh. Hey.

[Straining] Okay.

Just the littlest bit snug, aren't they?

Uh! There we go.

Cute though, huh? How much?

700. 700. Yes.

I tell you what. You pay for quality.

There's so much crap out there these days.

Man, I am excited to bust my dogs out in these tonight.

We're going to a French restaurant.

Le Bistro. It's five star. I don't know if you've been to it. Probably not.

Sounds great, but this has been declined.

Declined? You're kidding me.

[Sighs] It makes me so mad.

You know, the credit card companies... the way they waste your time.

Probably protecting me. I spent a lot of money today.

Try that one. Uh-huh.

Excuse me!

Oh! [Car Alarm Shrieking]

[Groaning]

[Dee] Oh, God.

[Alarm Continues] Did it not go through?

What motive could a man possibly have for pooping where he sleeps?

- I love that bed. - Don't buy this act.

I will jam that poop right back up your ass where it came from!

- You know I... - Guys, guys, guys!

Clearly, we're exhausted and full of emotion.

But we should not be threatening each other...

with jamming feces into each other's assholes, okay?

Wait, wait, wait. Hold on a second.

What if we had them produce another sample...

and we cross-reference the samples?

They'd have to do it in front of us so that there's no foul play.

Yeah.

I can't go now. Really?

I could probably squeeze something out.

I'll get some newspaper. This is exciting. This is very exciting.

[Dee] Why, of all places, are we here?

Because it's your bar, and we're gonna drink for free.

Damn it, Waitress. That is not what I wanted.

How... How do you still not know what my name is? Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm supposed to be expected to remember everyone's name at all moments of the day.

Oh, my God. This is the opposite of where we're supposed to be.

[Straining]

[Mac] I see it. It's comin'.

It's... Oh! Whoa! [Dennis, Mac, Groan]

Dee! We were just on the verge of a major breakthrough!

He was turtle-heading! Turtle-heading!

There was no turtles anywhere.

Were you just pooping on the floor? No, I was not.

That was an endurance contest, which I won, by the way.

You're paying for that. She doesn't have to pay for that.

Yes, she does. Bite me, asshole.

You have a bad attitude when you're drinking.

You have a bad attitude when you're drinking, you huge-footed slut.

You know what? I'm just gonna go get more wasted,

and then I'm gonna bang some random dude.

- Could it be this guy? - No, it can't. But it could be Dennis.

- Pass. - Whatever.

You know what? I'm gonna take this. Whoa!

I'm gonna take this. And I'll see you assholes later.

That is my notebook. Free coffee for a year.

Wait a second. Where did she get my note...

I have backups. It's cool. What is with her?

Something about drinking. She just won't stop talking about it.

What's with the plates of shit?

Somebody pooped the bed. Whatever. Let's get out of here.

We could use a fresh set of eyes on this if you don't mind.

No, thank you. I think that Artemis and I have much better things to do.

Uh, actually. I'm just gonna stick around.

Excuse me? Are you kidding me?

You know what? Forget it. Okay? I'm gonna do this by myself.

I'm gonna go find some classy, sophisticated people who can hold their booze,

who don't talk about their bleached assholes...

and who aren't obsessed with poop.

Okay. Bring me up to speed here, boys.

♪♪ [Background: Vivaldi The Four Seasons]

[Clears Throat] This is an interesting piece.

Mmm. I love his use of space.

The space... that's what I loved about it.

What do you think the chunky earth tones represent?

Uh...

Look at the rich texture, the dimensions.

It's almost as if you can smell it. Oh, God.

This is the piece I was telling you about. It's unbelievable.

It's so raw, so base, so utterly human.

It's almost as if it exploded out of the artist.

[Groans] Well, I think it's crap.

[Voice Echoing] Crap, crap, crap.

No!

[Gasps]

[Voice Echoing] Crap, crap, crap.

Oh, no! [Gasping]

- Crap, crap, crap. - No!

No! No! No!

No. What... Oh, God!

Oh, God! Why are you pooping?

[Gasping]

[Screaming]

[Thunderclap]

You know what, guys? Let's just wrap up the evidence and start again fresh tomorrow.

You think it'll keep, or should we put 'em in the fridge?

Nah. [Sniffs] They'll keep fine.

[Thunder Continues]

Okay, you know what? You guys win, all right?

Are you happy? Win what?

[Guys Exclaiming] [Charlie] Heart failure.

[Frank] Check the circuit breaker.

[Screaming]

Whoa! Whoa!

Nobody move!

Everyone here is a suspect.

Put on another pot of coffee.

It's gonna be a long night.

[Thunder Continues]

Four turds, five suspects,

so many, many nameless victims.

The first poop was obviously Frank.

Old and weak, he had an accident.

That's why he was so intent on destroying it.

There were many turds before this, weren't there, Frank?

This was just the first time you got caught, wasn't it?

And then you went and did it again the next night.

Or did you?

Two poops in two nights?

Tall order for such a short man.

No. The second poop belonged to Charles.

He wanted to get back at Frank,

but, due to his poor diet, couldn't produce a turd.

So he called Mac, who jumped at the chance to see Frank humiliated one more time.

But Charlie overlooked the fact that Dennis listens to Mac's phone calls,

and he heard every word.

Dennis was jealous that Charlie had chosen Mac to help instead of him.

He swore to have his revenge.

That's why he encouraged Mac to sleep while he stayed up.

He was gonna put the frame on Mac by pooping next to him.

But he didn't realize that a futon slept on by the weight of three men...

would be off its axis and slope to the center.

And like a small brown snail,

it crept to the middle...

between Charlie and Frank.

Deandra!

You wanted in on this poop war from the start. No, I didn't.

The outcast, the slut,

the bitch, the whore.

The lonely, sad, slutty, bitchy whore.

You sat on the sidelines while these four titans battled it out.

You were jealous that a few pieces of poop got more attention than you.

That's why, when the lights went out,

you unleashed some thunder of your own!

Thunder of the... chocolate variety.

[Thunderclap]

All of that would be fine and dandy...

if any of it were true.

Can we wrap this up at some point?

In due time, pretty face. In due time.

Frank, isn't it true you thought you've been pooping the bed for months now?

You chalked it up to your old plumbing and penchant for spicy foods.

Morning after morning, you'd bury your poop after you rose to hide it from Charlie.

But convinced that Charlie had discovered his dirty little secret,

[Screaming] Frank pooped the bed again the next night as revenge.

Only a lot more came out than he expected.

He had gone too far. I've gone too far.

Due to the size and severity of the poop,

Frank concluded that Charlie had been pooping the bed all along.

And so he cleaned up the mess and wandered the streets looking for someone...

who could replicate Charlie's small and malnourished turd.

And that's where he came upon his old friend Rickety Cricket.

Get up!

Known the world over for his ability to replicate any man's stool,

Cricket came back and committed fecal forgery.

Which leads us to the third turd.

Dennis and Mac thought it'd be funny to put the frame on Frank and Charlie.

And so they both pooped.

But as so often happens, the poop rolled together, and two became one.

- ♪♪ [Heavenly Choir Sings] - A turd merger.

Fused together by fear and hatred and hair.

But on to the final poop...

A poop that can be traced back to Dee!

But not to her butt.

The Waitress... Drunk out of her mind...

and furious that Dee had pushed her back into the arms of the bottle...

Pooped in Dee's purse while Dee's back was turned.

[Laughing Maniacally]

And Dee carried it unknowingly...

until she arrived here and the lights went out and she was startled,

knocking her purse to the floor, causing the turd to tumble...

where it stands before us right now!

Ha! Huh?

So as you can see,

the mystery of who pooped the bed has been solved.

And yes, my friends, [Dennis Sighs]

in a way, oh, you're all guilty.

Huh? What?

Oh!

Nah. I did it.

[Thunderclap] What?

I did 'em all. I did all the poops.

- Really? - Yeah. I did... I did every one of 'em.

I even did one while she was wrapping up right here.

Look. [Laughing] [Others Groan]

Dude! Jesus!

[Charlie] Oh, my God. [Laughing]

- Why did you do that, dude? - Because poop is funny.

[Laughing]

- Well, I guess poop is pretty funny. - Poop is funny.

Poopin' on the floor like that... That was a good one.

You know what? Well played, my man. Very well played.

[Laughing] That's funny.

I hate my life. Yeah.

Seriously, dude. Don't ever poop in our bed again.

[Voices Speaking Backwards]