1 00:00:02,202 --> 00:00:03,613 [Dee] Guys, what are you doing tonight? 2 00:00:03,637 --> 00:00:05,157 [Dennis] What kind of question is that? 3 00:00:05,205 --> 00:00:06,783 [Mac] You're asking us to predict the future. 4 00:00:06,807 --> 00:00:08,485 How can I predict the future? 5 00:00:08,509 --> 00:00:10,309 There's a new martini bar opening up downtown. 6 00:00:10,377 --> 00:00:12,188 I thought maybe we could do something different tonight. 7 00:00:12,212 --> 00:00:14,257 Jesus. Where is this shit coming from? 8 00:00:14,281 --> 00:00:16,159 She just watched that stupid Sex and the City movie. 9 00:00:16,183 --> 00:00:19,151 Oh, my God. When will that show die? Never, apparently. 10 00:00:19,220 --> 00:00:22,132 Dee, you tried this shit 30 years ago when that show first came on the air. 11 00:00:22,156 --> 00:00:24,167 Nobody wants to play Sex and the City with you. 12 00:00:24,191 --> 00:00:26,791 Come on, Charlie! You know you did it! Fess up! 13 00:00:26,860 --> 00:00:28,426 I did not poop the bed! 14 00:00:28,495 --> 00:00:31,096 Whoa, whoa, whoa! Rewind. What? 15 00:00:31,165 --> 00:00:34,478 I'm sorry. Did you say something about pooping in a bed? 16 00:00:34,502 --> 00:00:37,035 Yeah! There was some poop in our bed this morning. 17 00:00:37,104 --> 00:00:38,782 - Oh, Jesus. - And Charlie did it! 18 00:00:38,806 --> 00:00:40,372 That is bullshit! Charlie... 19 00:00:40,440 --> 00:00:42,085 Guys, hold on a second. Relax. 20 00:00:42,109 --> 00:00:43,954 Walk us through what happened. Nice and slow. 21 00:00:43,978 --> 00:00:48,046 Yesterday, we wake up and there's a piece of poop right in the middle of me and Frank. 22 00:00:48,114 --> 00:00:50,126 Wait a minute. So this happened two nights in a row? 23 00:00:50,150 --> 00:00:52,684 Yeah, man! So we throw the first piece of poop out. 24 00:00:52,753 --> 00:00:54,831 Big deal, whatever. Accidents happen, right? 25 00:00:54,855 --> 00:00:57,567 But this morning, there's another piece of poop in the exact same spot. 26 00:00:57,591 --> 00:00:59,669 Frank says it's not him. I say it's not me. 27 00:00:59,693 --> 00:01:01,733 But you bet your ass it's one of us. 28 00:01:01,761 --> 00:01:05,007 This is a lot to handle. The second poop... you held on to it, right? 29 00:01:05,031 --> 00:01:07,065 - Brought it along. - Oh, no. 30 00:01:07,134 --> 00:01:09,112 Dee, we said we can't predict the future. 31 00:01:09,136 --> 00:01:11,214 How could we possibly have seen something this awesome coming? 32 00:01:11,238 --> 00:01:14,317 We're gonna have to clear our schedules. This is gonna require a lot of attention. 33 00:01:14,341 --> 00:01:17,587 You're not gonna go out with me tonight 'cause these idiots found two poopies in a bed? 34 00:01:17,611 --> 00:01:19,611 Yeah, Dee. But it's not the poop. 35 00:01:19,680 --> 00:01:22,614 It's the mystery behind the poop. 36 00:01:59,820 --> 00:02:02,699 Hey, girlfriend! Oh, my God! You scared me! 37 00:02:02,723 --> 00:02:05,068 Did I? My bad. Why did you jump out from behind a car? 38 00:02:05,092 --> 00:02:07,270 - Were you stalking me? - Girlfriend, you're crazy. 39 00:02:07,294 --> 00:02:09,127 - Stop calling me "girlfriend." - So check it. 40 00:02:09,196 --> 00:02:11,429 Puttin' together a girls' night out. I want you to come. 41 00:02:11,498 --> 00:02:14,632 Why would I ever go out with you? I hate you. 42 00:02:14,701 --> 00:02:17,536 I know. I hate you too. That's how we girls are. 43 00:02:17,605 --> 00:02:19,538 We're catty, we backstab... 44 00:02:19,607 --> 00:02:22,807 and talk about each other behind our backs and stalk. 45 00:02:22,876 --> 00:02:25,355 Don't you remember how Samantha and Carrie and the dykey redhead... 46 00:02:25,379 --> 00:02:27,112 used to do that kind of fun stuff? 47 00:02:27,180 --> 00:02:30,448 I don't know who you're talking about. Sex and the City! 48 00:02:30,517 --> 00:02:33,418 You are the worst. I know you're gonna be alone tonight. 49 00:02:33,486 --> 00:02:36,166 I read all about it in the notebook Charlie keeps of your whereabouts. 50 00:02:36,190 --> 00:02:38,168 You don't have any friends. I have a ton of friends. 51 00:02:38,192 --> 00:02:41,159 Name one friend. Frederick. 52 00:02:41,228 --> 00:02:44,006 Frederick is your cat, and he died three weeks ago. It's all here in the notebook. 53 00:02:44,030 --> 00:02:46,676 Stop busting my balls, and let's go meet some men. Give me that notebook. 54 00:02:46,700 --> 00:02:49,260 I'm not gonna give you the notebook. Don't reach for the notebook. 55 00:02:49,303 --> 00:02:52,270 I'll give you the notebook if you come out with me tonight. 56 00:02:54,841 --> 00:02:57,842 Fine. Fun! See you tonight! 57 00:03:15,929 --> 00:03:17,862 You want me to do what? 58 00:03:17,931 --> 00:03:21,333 Well... We want you to examine our poopy. 59 00:03:21,401 --> 00:03:23,634 We just want to know who it came from. That's it. 60 00:03:23,703 --> 00:03:26,349 We don't presume to be scientists. That's why we brought it to you. 61 00:03:26,373 --> 00:03:28,651 We assume there's some kind of test you can run with these machines. 62 00:03:28,675 --> 00:03:30,675 Actually, you don't have to do any tests, 63 00:03:30,743 --> 00:03:33,122 'cause I already know it's Charlie's poop and not mine. 64 00:03:33,146 --> 00:03:36,314 Plus you have a hole in the back of your pajamas. 65 00:03:36,383 --> 00:03:39,296 It's not my poop! You've been sleeping in a giant dress shirt! 66 00:03:39,320 --> 00:03:41,219 It probably fell out of the bottom of it! 67 00:03:41,287 --> 00:03:43,266 We need to figure this out before it tears us apart. 68 00:03:43,290 --> 00:03:45,101 The only way for us to get to the bottom of this... 69 00:03:45,125 --> 00:03:47,069 is for you to tear that poop apart and tell us what's inside. 70 00:03:47,093 --> 00:03:48,871 Just take a look at it. Get inside there. 71 00:03:48,895 --> 00:03:52,897 You want me to examine a plastic container full of feces? 72 00:03:55,135 --> 00:03:58,448 I feel like you were gonna say something else right there, and then you stopped. Right? 73 00:03:58,472 --> 00:04:01,083 - Please get out of my lab. - That wasn't what he was gonna say. 74 00:04:01,107 --> 00:04:04,509 Why do you have to go there? There's no reason to be harsh. 75 00:04:04,578 --> 00:04:06,722 [Charlie] Tiny little simple poop test. [Frank] Just look at it. 76 00:04:06,746 --> 00:04:09,125 You just missed out on an extraordinary adventure. Let's get outta here. 77 00:04:09,149 --> 00:04:11,461 Yeah, there's other ways to figure this out. 78 00:04:11,485 --> 00:04:13,050 Pussy! 79 00:04:13,119 --> 00:04:14,452 Yeah. 80 00:04:16,423 --> 00:04:18,924 Hey. Hey. 81 00:04:18,992 --> 00:04:21,426 Hey, you got a turd? 82 00:04:21,495 --> 00:04:24,663 - Yeah. We got a turd. - I'll take a look at it. 83 00:04:26,166 --> 00:04:30,902 Okay. Well, it's definitely poop. 84 00:04:30,970 --> 00:04:33,010 Uh, yeah. We know that, guy. 85 00:04:34,474 --> 00:04:37,576 Whoever it was seems to have been eating newspaper. 86 00:04:37,644 --> 00:04:39,255 Well, now we're getting somewhere. 87 00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:41,090 Which one of you idiots was eating a goddamn newspaper? 88 00:04:41,114 --> 00:04:43,059 It's gonna go both ways, dude. Really? 89 00:04:43,083 --> 00:04:44,382 Sorry. Yeah. What else? 90 00:04:44,451 --> 00:04:46,491 This appears to be a piece of a credit card. 91 00:04:46,520 --> 00:04:47,985 Shoot. Inconclusive. 92 00:04:48,054 --> 00:04:49,832 How is that not specific to one of you? 93 00:04:49,856 --> 00:04:52,657 I wish it was, man, but that's inconclusive. 94 00:04:52,726 --> 00:04:55,093 Oh, boy. There's a good deal of blood in this stool. 95 00:04:55,161 --> 00:04:57,373 Of course there is. Whoever's it is should see a doctor. 96 00:04:57,397 --> 00:04:59,997 Don't give us judgments. Just tell us what's in there. 97 00:05:00,066 --> 00:05:01,899 What's in there? What else? 98 00:05:01,968 --> 00:05:03,580 This is wolf hair? Wolf hair, mm-hmm. 99 00:05:03,604 --> 00:05:05,937 Also inconclusive. Jesus Christ! 100 00:05:06,005 --> 00:05:08,150 - You knew there was wolf hair? - There is so much wolf hair in our apartment. 101 00:05:08,174 --> 00:05:10,875 But why are you eating it? It gets in everything. 102 00:05:10,944 --> 00:05:13,578 Both of you are eating wolf? We had a wolf in our apartment. 103 00:05:13,647 --> 00:05:16,926 Guys! This is getting us nowhere. Can we move on to the D.N.A. test? 104 00:05:16,950 --> 00:05:18,994 Can you do a D.N.A. test? That's a good idea. 105 00:05:19,018 --> 00:05:20,896 I can't do that. What do you mean? 106 00:05:20,920 --> 00:05:22,765 Aren't you a scientist? Yeah, do it. 107 00:05:22,789 --> 00:05:25,101 No, I'm an econ major. I just wanted to look at some poop. 108 00:05:25,125 --> 00:05:27,825 [Guys Groaning] You're not a scientist? 109 00:05:27,894 --> 00:05:31,396 I never said I was a scien... Bro, you have wasted our time! You have ruined our turd. 110 00:05:31,465 --> 00:05:33,842 That's the only piece of evidence we have. Put it back together! 111 00:05:33,866 --> 00:05:36,668 ♪♪ [Electronic Dance] 112 00:05:38,471 --> 00:05:41,272 Who is she again? That's Artemis. 113 00:05:41,341 --> 00:05:43,508 She's the sassy one who always plays by her own rules. 114 00:05:43,576 --> 00:05:45,943 Those guys are playing hard to get. 115 00:05:46,012 --> 00:05:48,413 I'm gonna take off my bra, blast my nips. 116 00:05:48,482 --> 00:05:51,682 Let's hold on that. I think what we need to do is just talk and have fun. 117 00:05:51,751 --> 00:05:53,496 Bring 'em to us, you know? Mm-hmm. 118 00:05:53,520 --> 00:05:55,653 So, Artemis, where'd you get that great top? 119 00:05:55,722 --> 00:05:58,056 Burmington Coat Factory. I got it on sale. 120 00:05:58,125 --> 00:05:59,624 It's irregular. 121 00:05:59,692 --> 00:06:02,794 Oh. Okay. 122 00:06:02,863 --> 00:06:05,062 Excuse me. Hi. 123 00:06:05,131 --> 00:06:07,143 Can we get three Cosmos, please? Make mine a water. 124 00:06:07,167 --> 00:06:09,934 Water? We're in a bar. I have a drinking problem. 125 00:06:10,003 --> 00:06:13,237 Wow. That's a horribly unattractive thing to announce to everybody. 126 00:06:13,306 --> 00:06:15,985 I'd like a water, please. She'll take a Cosmo, and she'll just hold it in her hand. 127 00:06:16,009 --> 00:06:19,421 That is a terrible idea. That's a pretty good idea if you want to get that notebook back. 128 00:06:19,445 --> 00:06:22,025 Yeah, I'll take a Jägerbomb. No. No Jägerbombs. 129 00:06:22,049 --> 00:06:23,726 Okay. Fine, Irish car bomb. No. 130 00:06:23,750 --> 00:06:25,283 Sake bomb? Okay, no! 131 00:06:25,352 --> 00:06:27,652 Nothing with bombs in the name. Okay? Please, the Cosmos. 132 00:06:27,721 --> 00:06:29,887 Go get the Cosmos. Thanks a lot. 133 00:06:29,956 --> 00:06:31,823 Goddamn it! 134 00:06:31,892 --> 00:06:35,026 Hottie alert at 2:00. Here they come. 135 00:06:35,095 --> 00:06:36,939 Incoming. Okay. Let me do the talking. 136 00:06:36,963 --> 00:06:39,797 What's up, ladies? Not much. Just enjoying the view. 137 00:06:39,866 --> 00:06:41,800 Name's Artemis. 138 00:06:41,869 --> 00:06:44,770 I have a bleached asshole. 139 00:06:46,707 --> 00:06:50,675 Okay, it's time to move on to the reenactment and dramatization. 140 00:06:50,743 --> 00:06:54,045 - Jesus Christ, Frank. You sleep in that? - My legs get hot. 141 00:06:54,114 --> 00:06:56,725 I definitely see how something could've slipped out of there. Absolutely. 142 00:06:56,749 --> 00:06:58,661 That would've fallen right out in the middle of the bed. 143 00:06:58,685 --> 00:07:00,463 What about Charlie's hole? What? 144 00:07:00,487 --> 00:07:02,165 Just get into the bed and show us how you sleep. 145 00:07:02,189 --> 00:07:04,555 All right. [Mac] Thank you. 146 00:07:04,624 --> 00:07:07,959 Right off the bat, there's a clear solution. Could've prevented this entire thing. 147 00:07:08,028 --> 00:07:10,006 You guys need to get two beds! 148 00:07:10,030 --> 00:07:12,897 Maybe I'll get two TVs and two refrigerators. 149 00:07:12,966 --> 00:07:16,067 Do we come to your house and tell you how to sleep? 150 00:07:16,136 --> 00:07:17,680 I sleep in a king-size bed by myself. 151 00:07:17,704 --> 00:07:19,682 When I have to go to the bathroom, I use a toilet. 152 00:07:19,706 --> 00:07:21,773 Look at King Dennis on his bed made for kings, 153 00:07:21,842 --> 00:07:23,775 with his toilet made out of gold! 154 00:07:23,844 --> 00:07:26,044 Okay, guys! Everybody calm down, please! 155 00:07:26,113 --> 00:07:28,779 This is not about lifestyle. This is not about judgments. 156 00:07:28,848 --> 00:07:30,748 This is about truth, okay? 157 00:07:30,817 --> 00:07:34,018 Charlie and Frank, show us how you were positioned the night of the incident. 158 00:07:34,087 --> 00:07:36,332 Excuse me. Incidents. [Charlie] All right. 159 00:07:36,356 --> 00:07:38,868 Well, I'm pretty sure I was sleeping like this that night. 160 00:07:38,892 --> 00:07:40,825 So there's no way it could've been me. 161 00:07:40,894 --> 00:07:44,228 Charlie, we sleep ass to ass. You know that. 162 00:07:44,297 --> 00:07:46,776 Oh, great. Okay, clearly we're having a problem with honesty here. 163 00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:48,900 Turn around. Dennis, a word. 164 00:07:48,968 --> 00:07:53,304 I hate to say it, bro, but I think we're gonna have to do an overnight observation. 165 00:07:53,373 --> 00:07:56,307 To be honest, I wouldn't mind seeing how this whole situation really works. 166 00:07:56,376 --> 00:07:58,309 It's fascinating. 167 00:08:00,146 --> 00:08:02,346 You're... [Mutters] 168 00:08:03,984 --> 00:08:05,616 [Cats Meowing] 169 00:08:08,689 --> 00:08:11,889 Well, this just gets weirder and weirder, man. 170 00:08:11,958 --> 00:08:13,503 Yeah. [Muffled Fart] 171 00:08:13,527 --> 00:08:16,261 Oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh! Anything? Hey? 172 00:08:16,330 --> 00:08:18,763 Uh, no, nothin'. False alarm. 173 00:08:18,832 --> 00:08:21,744 Damn it, dude. We can't keep doing this all night. Oh, I know. 174 00:08:21,768 --> 00:08:24,146 You know what? Why don't we sleep in shifts? 175 00:08:24,170 --> 00:08:26,104 I'm not saying this isn't important work. 176 00:08:26,172 --> 00:08:28,417 But I can't keep my eyes open, man. I hear you. I hear you. 177 00:08:28,441 --> 00:08:30,519 I'll tell you what. You go ahead and go first. 178 00:08:30,543 --> 00:08:32,510 I still got a little energy left. 179 00:08:32,579 --> 00:08:35,279 I don't know about this floor. It's covered in sand or something. 180 00:08:35,348 --> 00:08:37,426 It smells like some kind of spice blend or pesticide... 181 00:08:37,450 --> 00:08:39,596 or some other kind of sandy poison or something. 182 00:08:39,620 --> 00:08:41,598 I wouldn't sleep on the floor though. 183 00:08:41,622 --> 00:08:43,666 I gotta sleep with them? You gotta. You gotta. 184 00:08:43,690 --> 00:08:46,157 Are you sure you're all right? I'm fine. I got it. 185 00:08:46,226 --> 00:08:48,193 You sure? Yeah, I'm good. 186 00:08:48,261 --> 00:08:50,328 I'm just gonna sleep for, like, 15 minutes. 187 00:08:50,397 --> 00:08:53,064 And then you wake me up, and we'll switch it off. 188 00:08:53,133 --> 00:08:55,499 You good? I'm fine. 189 00:08:55,568 --> 00:08:57,301 Oh, gosh. 190 00:08:57,370 --> 00:09:00,838 [Snoring] 191 00:09:00,908 --> 00:09:04,910 [Birds Twittering] [All Snoring] 192 00:09:06,579 --> 00:09:08,579 [Sniffing] 193 00:09:09,983 --> 00:09:12,817 [Gasping] 194 00:09:16,490 --> 00:09:18,490 My God! 195 00:09:24,664 --> 00:09:28,733 If we're going to be meeting sophisticated men, we need to start acting with class. 196 00:09:28,802 --> 00:09:31,569 We cannot be telling people that we have bleached assholes. 197 00:09:31,637 --> 00:09:33,716 He was gonna find out anyway. Oh, my God. 198 00:09:33,740 --> 00:09:36,608 And you, you shouldn't be drinking in a shoe store. 199 00:09:36,677 --> 00:09:39,110 You shouldn't be drinking in a shoe store. 200 00:09:39,179 --> 00:09:41,157 What is the matter with you? I told you to pace yourself. 201 00:09:41,181 --> 00:09:44,661 I have a drinking problem. Then you should know how to hold your booze a little better. 202 00:09:44,685 --> 00:09:47,752 I'll hold your boobs a little better. Oh, good one. 203 00:09:47,821 --> 00:09:50,466 - Ladies, can I help you? - Hello. We are here for the Manolos. 204 00:09:50,490 --> 00:09:52,330 And what's your shoe size? Thirteen. 205 00:09:52,392 --> 00:09:56,160 Oh, my. Uh, we don't carry shoes that large. 206 00:09:56,229 --> 00:09:59,163 Perhaps you'd like to try the "big and tall" store down the street? 207 00:09:59,232 --> 00:10:03,701 You know what? I don't like this bitch's attitude. 208 00:10:03,770 --> 00:10:05,003 Hmm. Oh! 209 00:10:05,072 --> 00:10:06,270 [Glass Breaks] 210 00:10:06,339 --> 00:10:09,541 Did she just try and break a bottle over my head? 211 00:10:09,609 --> 00:10:11,153 No. Of course she didn't. 212 00:10:11,177 --> 00:10:12,937 Girls, I'll meet you outside. 213 00:10:12,979 --> 00:10:14,289 Huh? Get her. 214 00:10:14,313 --> 00:10:15,580 Oh. Hey. 215 00:10:15,649 --> 00:10:17,882 [Straining] Okay. 216 00:10:17,950 --> 00:10:21,486 Just the littlest bit snug, aren't they? 217 00:10:21,555 --> 00:10:23,354 Uh! There we go. 218 00:10:23,423 --> 00:10:25,368 Cute though, huh? How much? 219 00:10:25,392 --> 00:10:28,059 700. 700. Yes. 220 00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:29,972 I tell you what. You pay for quality. 221 00:10:29,996 --> 00:10:32,730 There's so much crap out there these days. 222 00:10:32,798 --> 00:10:36,867 Man, I am excited to bust my dogs out in these tonight. 223 00:10:36,936 --> 00:10:38,714 We're going to a French restaurant. 224 00:10:38,738 --> 00:10:42,340 Le Bistro. It's five star. I don't know if you've been to it. Probably not. 225 00:10:42,409 --> 00:10:44,009 Sounds great, but this has been declined. 226 00:10:44,076 --> 00:10:46,089 Declined? You're kidding me. 227 00:10:46,113 --> 00:10:48,513 [Sighs] It makes me so mad. 228 00:10:48,582 --> 00:10:51,583 You know, the credit card companies... the way they waste your time. 229 00:10:51,651 --> 00:10:53,730 Probably protecting me. I spent a lot of money today. 230 00:10:53,754 --> 00:10:56,354 Try that one. Uh-huh. 231 00:10:56,423 --> 00:10:57,889 Excuse me! 232 00:10:58,992 --> 00:11:01,892 Oh! [Car Alarm Shrieking] 233 00:11:01,961 --> 00:11:04,428 [Groaning] 234 00:11:04,497 --> 00:11:06,363 [Dee] Oh, God. 235 00:11:06,432 --> 00:11:10,300 [Alarm Continues] Did it not go through? 236 00:11:10,369 --> 00:11:14,639 What motive could a man possibly have for pooping where he sleeps? 237 00:11:14,707 --> 00:11:17,541 - I love that bed. - Don't buy this act. 238 00:11:17,610 --> 00:11:20,022 I will jam that poop right back up your ass where it came from! 239 00:11:20,046 --> 00:11:22,046 - You know I... - Guys, guys, guys! 240 00:11:22,115 --> 00:11:25,216 Clearly, we're exhausted and full of emotion. 241 00:11:25,285 --> 00:11:27,063 But we should not be threatening each other... 242 00:11:27,087 --> 00:11:29,220 with jamming feces into each other's assholes, okay? 243 00:11:29,289 --> 00:11:31,055 Wait, wait, wait. Hold on a second. 244 00:11:31,124 --> 00:11:33,124 What if we had them produce another sample... 245 00:11:33,193 --> 00:11:35,860 and we cross-reference the samples? 246 00:11:35,929 --> 00:11:38,474 They'd have to do it in front of us so that there's no foul play. 247 00:11:38,498 --> 00:11:40,130 Yeah. 248 00:11:40,199 --> 00:11:43,334 I can't go now. Really? 249 00:11:43,403 --> 00:11:45,736 I could probably squeeze something out. 250 00:11:45,805 --> 00:11:49,039 I'll get some newspaper. This is exciting. This is very exciting. 251 00:11:49,108 --> 00:11:51,508 [Dee] Why, of all places, are we here? 252 00:11:51,544 --> 00:11:53,689 Because it's your bar, and we're gonna drink for free. 253 00:11:53,713 --> 00:11:55,846 Damn it, Waitress. That is not what I wanted. 254 00:11:55,915 --> 00:12:00,284 How... How do you still not know what my name is? Oh, I'm sorry. 255 00:12:00,352 --> 00:12:02,965 I'm supposed to be expected to remember everyone's name at all moments of the day. 256 00:12:02,989 --> 00:12:05,589 Oh, my God. This is the opposite of where we're supposed to be. 257 00:12:05,658 --> 00:12:07,625 [Straining] 258 00:12:07,694 --> 00:12:09,260 [Mac] I see it. It's comin'. 259 00:12:09,328 --> 00:12:11,207 It's... Oh! Whoa! [Dennis, Mac, Groan] 260 00:12:11,231 --> 00:12:14,042 Dee! We were just on the verge of a major breakthrough! 261 00:12:14,066 --> 00:12:15,666 He was turtle-heading! Turtle-heading! 262 00:12:15,735 --> 00:12:17,379 There was no turtles anywhere. 263 00:12:17,403 --> 00:12:20,204 Were you just pooping on the floor? No, I was not. 264 00:12:20,273 --> 00:12:22,773 That was an endurance contest, which I won, by the way. 265 00:12:22,842 --> 00:12:24,520 You're paying for that. She doesn't have to pay for that. 266 00:12:24,544 --> 00:12:25,820 Yes, she does. Bite me, asshole. 267 00:12:25,844 --> 00:12:27,711 You have a bad attitude when you're drinking. 268 00:12:27,780 --> 00:12:32,049 You have a bad attitude when you're drinking, you huge-footed slut. 269 00:12:32,118 --> 00:12:34,585 You know what? I'm just gonna go get more wasted, 270 00:12:34,654 --> 00:12:36,754 and then I'm gonna bang some random dude. 271 00:12:36,823 --> 00:12:39,568 - Could it be this guy? - No, it can't. But it could be Dennis. 272 00:12:39,592 --> 00:12:41,759 - Pass. - Whatever. 273 00:12:41,828 --> 00:12:45,763 You know what? I'm gonna take this. Whoa! 274 00:12:45,831 --> 00:12:47,965 I'm gonna take this. And I'll see you assholes later. 275 00:12:48,034 --> 00:12:49,945 That is my notebook. Free coffee for a year. 276 00:12:49,969 --> 00:12:51,713 Wait a second. Where did she get my note... 277 00:12:51,737 --> 00:12:53,482 I have backups. It's cool. What is with her? 278 00:12:53,506 --> 00:12:56,006 Something about drinking. She just won't stop talking about it. 279 00:12:56,075 --> 00:12:57,486 What's with the plates of shit? 280 00:12:57,510 --> 00:12:59,654 Somebody pooped the bed. Whatever. Let's get out of here. 281 00:12:59,678 --> 00:13:02,491 We could use a fresh set of eyes on this if you don't mind. 282 00:13:02,515 --> 00:13:06,416 No, thank you. I think that Artemis and I have much better things to do. 283 00:13:06,485 --> 00:13:08,985 Uh, actually. I'm just gonna stick around. 284 00:13:09,054 --> 00:13:11,289 Excuse me? Are you kidding me? 285 00:13:11,357 --> 00:13:14,191 You know what? Forget it. Okay? I'm gonna do this by myself. 286 00:13:14,260 --> 00:13:17,495 I'm gonna go find some classy, sophisticated people who can hold their booze, 287 00:13:17,563 --> 00:13:19,563 who don't talk about their bleached assholes... 288 00:13:19,632 --> 00:13:21,632 and who aren't obsessed with poop. 289 00:13:22,968 --> 00:13:25,236 Okay. Bring me up to speed here, boys. 290 00:13:30,109 --> 00:13:32,810 ♪♪ [Background: Vivaldi The Four Seasons] 291 00:13:36,082 --> 00:13:38,916 [Clears Throat] This is an interesting piece. 292 00:13:38,985 --> 00:13:40,996 Mmm. I love his use of space. 293 00:13:41,020 --> 00:13:43,721 The space... that's what I loved about it. 294 00:13:43,789 --> 00:13:46,134 What do you think the chunky earth tones represent? 295 00:13:46,158 --> 00:13:48,158 Uh... 296 00:13:48,227 --> 00:13:50,961 Look at the rich texture, the dimensions. 297 00:13:51,029 --> 00:13:53,408 It's almost as if you can smell it. Oh, God. 298 00:13:53,432 --> 00:13:57,001 This is the piece I was telling you about. It's unbelievable. 299 00:13:57,070 --> 00:14:00,937 It's so raw, so base, so utterly human. 300 00:14:01,006 --> 00:14:03,084 It's almost as if it exploded out of the artist. 301 00:14:03,108 --> 00:14:05,743 [Groans] Well, I think it's crap. 302 00:14:07,547 --> 00:14:08,827 [Voice Echoing] Crap, crap, crap. 303 00:14:08,881 --> 00:14:10,247 No! 304 00:14:10,316 --> 00:14:11,682 [Gasps] 305 00:14:11,751 --> 00:14:14,051 [Voice Echoing] Crap, crap, crap. 306 00:14:14,120 --> 00:14:16,354 Oh, no! [Gasping] 307 00:14:16,422 --> 00:14:18,622 - Crap, crap, crap. - No! 308 00:14:20,059 --> 00:14:22,460 No! No! No! 309 00:14:22,528 --> 00:14:25,162 No. What... Oh, God! 310 00:14:25,231 --> 00:14:27,331 Oh, God! Why are you pooping? 311 00:14:27,399 --> 00:14:28,899 [Gasping] 312 00:14:28,968 --> 00:14:32,369 [Screaming] 313 00:14:35,308 --> 00:14:38,242 [Thunderclap] 314 00:14:38,310 --> 00:14:41,523 You know what, guys? Let's just wrap up the evidence and start again fresh tomorrow. 315 00:14:41,547 --> 00:14:44,080 You think it'll keep, or should we put 'em in the fridge? 316 00:14:44,149 --> 00:14:46,383 Nah. [Sniffs] They'll keep fine. 317 00:14:46,452 --> 00:14:49,686 [Thunder Continues] 318 00:14:49,756 --> 00:14:52,856 Okay, you know what? You guys win, all right? 319 00:14:52,925 --> 00:14:54,991 Are you happy? Win what? 320 00:14:55,061 --> 00:14:57,595 [Guys Exclaiming] [Charlie] Heart failure. 321 00:14:57,663 --> 00:14:59,630 [Frank] Check the circuit breaker. 322 00:14:59,698 --> 00:15:02,633 [Screaming] 323 00:15:02,701 --> 00:15:04,213 Whoa! Whoa! 324 00:15:04,237 --> 00:15:06,169 Nobody move! 325 00:15:06,238 --> 00:15:08,558 Everyone here is a suspect. 326 00:15:10,309 --> 00:15:12,509 Put on another pot of coffee. 327 00:15:12,578 --> 00:15:15,012 It's gonna be a long night. 328 00:15:16,916 --> 00:15:19,183 [Thunder Continues] 329 00:15:22,789 --> 00:15:26,790 Four turds, five suspects, 330 00:15:26,859 --> 00:15:30,628 so many, many nameless victims. 331 00:15:33,432 --> 00:15:37,067 The first poop was obviously Frank. 332 00:15:37,136 --> 00:15:39,202 Old and weak, he had an accident. 333 00:15:39,271 --> 00:15:42,105 That's why he was so intent on destroying it. 334 00:15:42,174 --> 00:15:44,219 There were many turds before this, weren't there, Frank? 335 00:15:44,243 --> 00:15:46,777 This was just the first time you got caught, wasn't it? 336 00:15:46,846 --> 00:15:50,647 And then you went and did it again the next night. 337 00:15:50,716 --> 00:15:52,649 Or did you? 338 00:15:52,718 --> 00:15:54,985 Two poops in two nights? 339 00:15:55,054 --> 00:15:57,954 Tall order for such a short man. 340 00:15:58,023 --> 00:16:02,893 No. The second poop belonged to Charles. 341 00:16:02,962 --> 00:16:05,262 He wanted to get back at Frank, 342 00:16:05,331 --> 00:16:07,531 but, due to his poor diet, couldn't produce a turd. 343 00:16:07,600 --> 00:16:13,437 So he called Mac, who jumped at the chance to see Frank humiliated one more time. 344 00:16:13,505 --> 00:16:17,708 But Charlie overlooked the fact that Dennis listens to Mac's phone calls, 345 00:16:17,777 --> 00:16:19,676 and he heard every word. 346 00:16:19,745 --> 00:16:23,714 Dennis was jealous that Charlie had chosen Mac to help instead of him. 347 00:16:23,783 --> 00:16:26,684 He swore to have his revenge. 348 00:16:26,752 --> 00:16:29,486 That's why he encouraged Mac to sleep while he stayed up. 349 00:16:29,554 --> 00:16:33,290 He was gonna put the frame on Mac by pooping next to him. 350 00:16:33,358 --> 00:16:37,595 But he didn't realize that a futon slept on by the weight of three men... 351 00:16:37,663 --> 00:16:41,598 would be off its axis and slope to the center. 352 00:16:41,667 --> 00:16:43,400 And like a small brown snail, 353 00:16:43,469 --> 00:16:45,736 it crept to the middle... 354 00:16:45,804 --> 00:16:48,805 between Charlie and Frank. 355 00:16:50,209 --> 00:16:51,609 Deandra! 356 00:16:51,677 --> 00:16:54,979 You wanted in on this poop war from the start. No, I didn't. 357 00:16:55,047 --> 00:16:57,481 The outcast, the slut, 358 00:16:57,550 --> 00:17:00,216 the bitch, the whore. 359 00:17:00,285 --> 00:17:03,053 The lonely, sad, slutty, bitchy whore. 360 00:17:03,122 --> 00:17:06,390 You sat on the sidelines while these four titans battled it out. 361 00:17:06,459 --> 00:17:10,160 You were jealous that a few pieces of poop got more attention than you. 362 00:17:10,229 --> 00:17:12,162 That's why, when the lights went out, 363 00:17:12,231 --> 00:17:14,164 you unleashed some thunder of your own! 364 00:17:14,233 --> 00:17:17,401 Thunder of the... chocolate variety. 365 00:17:17,470 --> 00:17:19,470 [Thunderclap] 366 00:17:20,673 --> 00:17:22,717 All of that would be fine and dandy... 367 00:17:22,741 --> 00:17:24,575 if any of it were true. 368 00:17:24,643 --> 00:17:27,911 Can we wrap this up at some point? 369 00:17:27,980 --> 00:17:31,015 In due time, pretty face. In due time. 370 00:17:33,019 --> 00:17:36,386 Frank, isn't it true you thought you've been pooping the bed for months now? 371 00:17:36,455 --> 00:17:40,223 You chalked it up to your old plumbing and penchant for spicy foods. 372 00:17:40,292 --> 00:17:44,261 Morning after morning, you'd bury your poop after you rose to hide it from Charlie. 373 00:17:44,330 --> 00:17:47,031 But convinced that Charlie had discovered his dirty little secret, 374 00:17:47,099 --> 00:17:49,211 [Screaming] Frank pooped the bed again the next night as revenge. 375 00:17:49,235 --> 00:17:52,570 Only a lot more came out than he expected. 376 00:17:52,638 --> 00:17:56,440 He had gone too far. I've gone too far. 377 00:17:56,509 --> 00:17:58,442 Due to the size and severity of the poop, 378 00:17:58,511 --> 00:18:00,856 Frank concluded that Charlie had been pooping the bed all along. 379 00:18:00,880 --> 00:18:04,180 And so he cleaned up the mess and wandered the streets looking for someone... 380 00:18:04,249 --> 00:18:07,283 who could replicate Charlie's small and malnourished turd. 381 00:18:07,352 --> 00:18:10,520 And that's where he came upon his old friend Rickety Cricket. 382 00:18:10,589 --> 00:18:12,055 Get up! 383 00:18:12,124 --> 00:18:15,892 Known the world over for his ability to replicate any man's stool, 384 00:18:15,961 --> 00:18:19,196 Cricket came back and committed fecal forgery. 385 00:18:20,333 --> 00:18:22,144 Which leads us to the third turd. 386 00:18:22,168 --> 00:18:25,268 Dennis and Mac thought it'd be funny to put the frame on Frank and Charlie. 387 00:18:25,337 --> 00:18:26,870 And so they both pooped. 388 00:18:26,938 --> 00:18:32,409 But as so often happens, the poop rolled together, and two became one. 389 00:18:32,478 --> 00:18:34,912 - ♪♪ [Heavenly Choir Sings] - A turd merger. 390 00:18:34,981 --> 00:18:38,782 Fused together by fear and hatred and hair. 391 00:18:38,851 --> 00:18:41,718 But on to the final poop... 392 00:18:41,787 --> 00:18:44,221 A poop that can be traced back to Dee! 393 00:18:44,290 --> 00:18:47,624 But not to her butt. 394 00:18:47,693 --> 00:18:50,561 The Waitress... Drunk out of her mind... 395 00:18:50,630 --> 00:18:53,931 and furious that Dee had pushed her back into the arms of the bottle... 396 00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:57,635 Pooped in Dee's purse while Dee's back was turned. 397 00:18:57,703 --> 00:19:00,137 [Laughing Maniacally] 398 00:19:00,206 --> 00:19:02,206 And Dee carried it unknowingly... 399 00:19:02,274 --> 00:19:05,776 until she arrived here and the lights went out and she was startled, 400 00:19:05,844 --> 00:19:08,812 knocking her purse to the floor, causing the turd to tumble... 401 00:19:08,881 --> 00:19:11,982 where it stands before us right now! 402 00:19:12,050 --> 00:19:14,751 Ha! Huh? 403 00:19:14,820 --> 00:19:16,753 So as you can see, 404 00:19:18,323 --> 00:19:22,025 the mystery of who pooped the bed has been solved. 405 00:19:22,094 --> 00:19:24,895 And yes, my friends, [Dennis Sighs] 406 00:19:24,964 --> 00:19:27,864 in a way, oh, you're all guilty. 407 00:19:27,933 --> 00:19:30,600 Huh? What? 408 00:19:30,669 --> 00:19:32,736 Oh! 409 00:19:36,575 --> 00:19:39,209 Nah. I did it. 410 00:19:39,278 --> 00:19:41,778 [Thunderclap] What? 411 00:19:41,847 --> 00:19:43,580 I did 'em all. I did all the poops. 412 00:19:43,649 --> 00:19:45,960 - Really? - Yeah. I did... I did every one of 'em. 413 00:19:45,984 --> 00:19:48,652 I even did one while she was wrapping up right here. 414 00:19:48,721 --> 00:19:50,265 Look. [Laughing] [Others Groan] 415 00:19:50,289 --> 00:19:52,222 Dude! Jesus! 416 00:19:52,291 --> 00:19:53,668 [Charlie] Oh, my God. [Laughing] 417 00:19:53,692 --> 00:19:57,160 - Why did you do that, dude? - Because poop is funny. 418 00:19:57,229 --> 00:19:59,529 [Laughing] 419 00:19:59,598 --> 00:20:02,866 - Well, I guess poop is pretty funny. - Poop is funny. 420 00:20:02,935 --> 00:20:04,980 Poopin' on the floor like that... That was a good one. 421 00:20:05,004 --> 00:20:09,239 You know what? Well played, my man. Very well played. 422 00:20:09,308 --> 00:20:11,241 [Laughing] That's funny. 423 00:20:12,244 --> 00:20:14,144 I hate my life. Yeah. 424 00:20:14,213 --> 00:20:17,573 Seriously, dude. Don't ever poop in our bed again. 425 00:20:54,587 --> 00:20:57,521 [Voices Speaking Backwards]