Original subtitles

You'd better pray to the Lord When you see those flying saucers

It may be the coming of the Judgment Day

Hey, Jerry, you might wanna check this one out. Palomar just picked it up.

Looks like some type of UFO, and it's heading this way.

How many times do I have to tell you?

UFOs don't exist and we're never gonna see...

- Wow, its energy signature is massive. - Holy Cheez-Its! What do we do?!

No one told us what to do!

I took this job because you never have to do anything!

Jerry, stop it. Let me calculate its impact point.

Looks like...

...Modesto, California.

Supernova, this is Red Dwarf. We actually have one!

Code Nimoy! I repeat, Code Nimoy!

What are you guys doing here? It's 5.00 in the morning.

Hurry, turn on the TV! Turn it on now!

...and some early morning fog, giving way to sunny skies.

Seventy-five degrees.

A perfect day to stop by the old folk art and craft show

down at the fairgrounds, or a perfect day to marry Susan Murphy.

I love you, baby.

I love you, too.

And good morning, Modesto!

Channel 172.

You look gorgeous, sweetheart.

Thanks, Mom.

My little girl!

Daddy!

Now, I want you to know that, even though I'm about to give you away...

...I will always be here to take care of you.

Don't cry because then you'll make me cry, and that's just gonna be a mess.

I can't help it!

Hello, everyone! Attention, attention!

Wedding starts in 30 minutes!

- My beautiful daughter-in-law! - Hi, Mama Dietl.

It's like a fairy tale. The Weatherman and the Weatherman's Wife.

Romantic.

I know. Just think, this time tomorrow, I'm gonna be in Paris!

And someday, we won't just be honeymooning there.

Derek will become an anchor or a foreign correspondent.

- And we'll travel all over the world. - Honey, my fingers are crossed.

One thumb is shorter than the other. Runs in the family.

Derek doesn't have that.

It skips a generation. Your kids are gonna have it!

Wow, you look beautiful.

So do you. I mean, handsome.

I mean... Sorry. I'm just a little frazzled.

I just spent way too much time with our parents.

Don't worry, OK? We'll be alone soon, just us.

Eating cheese and baguettes by the Seine,

feeding each other chocolate crepes.

- Is something wrong? - No, no! It's just that, well...

There's been a slight change of plans.

We're not going to Paris.

- What? Why not? - Because we're going somewhere better.

- Better than Paris? - Oh, yeah.

Where? Tahiti?!

Nope! Fresno!

Fresno!

Fresno.

In what universe is Fresno better than Paris, Derek?

In the "I've got an audition to become

Channel 23's new evening anchor" universe.

Got the call from the general manager, he wants me to come in immediately!

- Isn't that great? - Derek!

That's...

...amazing! It's amazing.

Fresno's a top 50 market, isn't it?

It's 55th, but we're on our way, babe!

Now, look. About Paris...

It's OK. It's fine! As long as we're together,

Fresno is the most romantic city in the whole world.

- I'm so proud of you. - Of us! Not just of me.

I mean, of course, but we're a team now. You're so proud of us.

Now, get out of here. It's bad luck to see me in my dress.

Come on. You know I don't believe in that stuff.

I'll be waiting for you at the altar... the handsome news anchor in the tux.

Love you! There, I said it.

I love you, too.

Susan!

Where could she be?

Susan! Where are you?!

Susan! Where have you been?!

I think I just got hit by a meteorite.

Oh, Susan. Every bride feels that way on her wedding day.

My goodness, look at you. You're filthy. Thank God I have Wet Ones.

Wow.

You're glowing.

Thank you.

No. No, Susan, you're, like, really glowing. You're green!

Oh, no!

Derek!

Oh, my gosh!

What's going on?!

- What's happening?! - You're all shrinking!

Uh-uh! You're growing!

- Well, make it stop! - Get me the government!

This is impossible!

No, this can't be happening.

Wait, wait. Everybody, it's OK!

Have some champagne while we're figuring this out!

Thumbs! Thumbs!

Derek! Help me!

Sweet Lord!

- Here comes the bride! - Oh, Carl! It's her wedding day!

Derek? Derek?

Beam hurt Derek.

- Susan? - Thank goodness you're OK!

What's happening to me?

Don't panic! Don't worry! Whatever you do, don't drop...

- Derek! - Sorry, sir.

Who are you people? What are you doing?

Stop it! Be careful!

Get your hands off me! Don't you know who I am?!

Please, just leave me alone!

Watch those cables! She's coming down!

Watch out!

Move it, move it! Let's go! Move it, move it!

Pull, pull!

Derek?

All right, let's get this baby on the bus.

Honey, could you hit the snooze?

Baby, why did you set the alarm? We're on our honeymoon.

Hello?

What's going on?

Hello?

Is it just legs? Did they capture a giant pair of legs?

Silence, B.O.B.! She'll hear us!

- How? Legs don't have ears. - Just shush!

Hello?

Is there someone there?

Could you tell me where I am?

Hello? What was that?

Hello.

Will you stop...?! Careful!

Please, madam!

Stop! Doing! That!

Whatever mad scientist made you,

he really went all out.

You can talk.

Hi, there!

My back!

Just kidding! I don't have a back!

Forgive him, but as you can see, he has no brain.

Turns out you don't need one. Totally overrated!

As a matter of fact, I don't even...

I forgot how to breathe! Don't know how to breathe!

Help me, Dr Cockroach! Help!

Suck in, B.O.B.

Thanks, Doc. You're a lifesaver.

Wow, look at you. I know what you're thinking.

First day in prison, you want to take down the toughest guy in the yard.

Well, I'd like to see you try.

Ninja!

- Gosh. Look, she's speechless. - She?

Yes, B.O.B.! We are in the presence of the rare female monster.

No way! It's a boy. Look at his boobies.

We need to have a talk.

Gentlemen, I'm afraid we are not making a very good first impression.

At least I'm talking.

First new monster in years, we couldn't get a wolf man or a mummy?

Just, you know, somebody to play cards with.

Might we ask your name, madam?

Susan.

No, no, no. We mean your monster name.

Like, what do people scream when they see you coming?

You know, like, "Look out! Here comes...!"

Susan.

Really?

Susan!

I just scared myself. That is scary.

Yes! Eat times.

That is repulsive!

An old slipper!

Oh, please, God, tell me this isn't real.

Please tell me I had a nervous breakdown at the wedding, and now I'm

in a mental hospital on medication that's giving me hallucinations.

Don't scare Insectosaurus!

He's gonna pee himself, then we'll all be in trouble.

Every room has a door! There's gotta be a door here!

It's OK, buddy. Don't worry about it.

Who's a handsome bug, huh? You like it when I rub your tummy?

Please! Somebody! I don't belong here!

- Let me out! - Hey, that is not a good idea.

Let me out!

Monsters, get back in your cells.

Oh, thank goodness. A real person. You are a real person, right?

Not one of those half-person, half-machine,

you know, whatever you call those things.

- A cyborg? - Oh, no! You're a cyborg?!

Madam, I assure you, I am not a cyborg. The name is General W.R. Monger.

I'm in charge of this facility. Now, follow me.

It is time for your orientation.

In 1 950, it was decided that Jane and Joe Public could not handle the truth

about monsters, and should focus on more important things, like paying taxes.

So the government convinced the world

monsters were stuff of myth and legend and then locked them in this facility.

But I'm not a monster! I'm just a regular person.

I'm not a danger to anyone or anything.

Don't let her get me!

Sorry.

- How long will I be here? - Indefinitely.

- Can I contact my parents? - No.

- Derek? - Negative.

- Do they know where I am? - No, and they never will!

This place is an X file,

wrapped in a cover-up and deep-fried in a paranoid conspiracy.

There will be zero contact with the outside world.

...seven, eight...

...999...

...1 ,000.

I can't believe I did ten sets.

Susan!

You wouldn't happen to have any uranium on you?

I just need a smidge.

Rescind Dr Cockroach's toy box privileges immediately.

We had the prison psychologist redecorate your cell.

Try to keep you all calm-like.

But I don't want a poster.

I want a real kitten hanging from a real tree.

I want to go home.

Come on, little Debbie, please don't cry. It makes my knees hurt.

Don't think of this as a prison.

Think of it as a hotel you never leave because it's locked from the outside!

Oh, and one other thing.

The government has changed your name to Ginormica.

Begin reanimation sequence.

Who dares to wake me?

Quantonium has been located on a distant planet in the Omega Quadrant.

The Omega Quadrant? Lame.

The trajectory of the Quantonium meteor

has been traced to sector 72-4,

the planet locally known as Earth.

What a miserable-looking mud ball.

Send a robot probe!

Extract the Quantonium with extreme prejudice.

I want it all.

Every last drop!

Yes, Gallaxhar.

Nothing can stand in my way now.

Don't rush me, Katie! I'm just not ready.

Relax, Cuthbert. It's just like dancing. I'll lead.

Katie, I have a gymnastics meet tomorrow. So maybe...

Did you open the top?

Thank goodness. It's the police.

- We weren't doing anything, officer! - Yeah, nothing at all.

Jiminy!

Why did I even let you talk me into this?! Maybe we should get out of here.

- Or, maybe, we should go check it out. - Katie, are you nuts?!

Wait! Don't leave me alone!

No! My ankle!

I think it's broken!

Katie?

This is the worst date ever.

Katie, I'm frightened.

It was first spotted at midnight last night by a couple in romantic embrace.

No one knows what it is or where it came from.

All branches of the military were immediately mobilised.

What is that, Henshaw?

OK.

I have just received word that the president of the United States

has arrived and will attempt to make first contact.

I must approach it alone.

This is all about peaceful communication.

Yes, sir, Mr President.

Perimeter stable. Got a bead on Papa Bear. All clear.

- Let's go! - Get out of the way!

Set her down now. Here we go!

Commander, do something violent!

You heard the president! Light 'em up!

We're getting pummelled here! Call in air support! Call in air support!

Call in... Call in a full retreat!

Full retreat! Full retreat, all troops!

- Wheels up. Papa Bear is on the move. - Wait.

So that's how you want to play it? Eat lead, alien robot!

- Evidently, they eat lead. - Get him on the chopper.

I'm brave! I'm a brave president!

Get out of the way!

- Sir! We need to declare a... - We need to overthrow that robot

- and install our own government! - Let's sacrifice the elderly to it!

- I say we invade it! - The Earth only has two weeks left!

If that thing walks into a populated area there'll be a major catastrophe!

We need our top scientific minds on this. Get India on the phone!

Can we transport the United States to a safer planet?

Give this alien a green card and make him proud to be an American.

It's at dire times like this when I stop and ask myself, "What would Oprah do?"

Hang it all! What's the point? It's a disaster.

- Stop! No! - Don't do it!

That button launches our nuclear missiles!

Well, which button gets me a latte?

That would be the other one, sir.

- What idiot designed this thing? - You did, sir.

- Fair enough. Wilson, fire somebody! - Yes, sir, Mr President.

Listen up. I'm not going to go down in history

as the president who was in office

when the world came to an end,

so somebody think of something, and think of it fast!

- That is a good cup ofjoe. - Mr President?

Not only do I have an idea, but I have a plan!

Now, conventional weapons have no effect on this thing,

- and we know nukes ain't an option. - Sure they are. I just...

- Don't do it! Stop! - Wait!

I'm not gonna kid you, Mr President. These are dark times.

The odds are against us. We need a Hail Mary pass. We need raw power! We need...

...monsters.

Monsters! Of course! It's so simple!

I... I'm not following you.

Over the last 50 years, I have captured monsters on the rampage,

and locked them up in a secret prison facility.

So secret that the mere mention of its name is a federal offence.

Is he referring to Area Fifty...

Mr President, say hello to Insectosaurus!

Miss Ronson, please.

Nuclear radiation turned him from a small grub

into a 350-foot-tall monster that attacked Tokyo.

Here we have the Missing Link.

A 20,000-year-old frozen fish man who was thawed out by scientists.

He escaped and went on a rampage in his old watering hole.

This handsome fellow is Dr Cockroach, PhD,

the most brilliant man in the world.

He invented a scientific machine

that would give humans the cockroach's ability to survive.

Unfortunately, there was a side effect.

Now, we call this thing B.O.B.

Will someone get her out of here?!

Thank you.

A genetically altered tomato was combined with a chemically altered

ranch-flavoured dessert topping at a snack food plant.

The resulting goop gained consciousness,

and became an indestructible gelatinous mass.

And, our latest addition, Ginormica.

General, continue.

Her entire body radiates with pure energy,

giving her enormous strength and size.

Sir, these monsters are our best and only chance to defeat that robot.

Don't we already have an alien problem, General?

I don't think we need a monster problem, too.

You got a better idea, nerd?

OK. Stay where you are.

General, I propose we go forward

with your monsters-versus-aliens idea... thingy.

Go fish.

Do you...

...have any...

...threes?

Yes. I do! How are you doing this?

- You're the luckiest guy I know. - Luck ain't got nothin' to do with it.

What the...? Hey!

They called me crazy, but I'll show them. I'll show them all!

Doctor, I'd prefer you didn't do your mad scientist laugh

while I'm hooked up to this machine.

You're right, Insecto.

You've let that quack experiment on you for over a month.

I'm not a quack! I'm a mad scientist! There is a difference.

Guys, what choice do I have? If he can make me normal, or even six foot eight,

I can get out of here, get back to the life I'm supposed to have.

- I should be in... - Let me guess, Fresno?

Well, Fresno is just a stepping stone. Next stop, Milwaukee.

- Then New York, then hopefully... - Yeah, we know. Paris.

Throw the switch, Doctor, but don't do the laugh.

Now you're going to feel a slight pinch in the brain.

Sorry.

Susan!

Am I small again?

I'm afraid not, my dear.

In fact, you may actually have grown a couple of feet.

That's OK, Doc. We'll try again tomorrow.

You really don't get it, do you? No monster has ever gotten out of here!

That's not true! The Invisible Man did.

No, he didn't. We just told you that so you wouldn't get upset.

He died of a heart attack 25 years ago.

No!

Yeah... in that very chair.

He's still there.

You see what I'm saying? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's ever getting out.

Good news, monsters! You're getting out!

Until today.

So let me get this straight, Monger.

You want us to fight an alien robot.

And, in exchange, the president of these United States

authorised me to grant you your freedom.

I can't believe it! Soon, I'll be back in Derek's arms...

...or he'll be in mine.

I can't wait for spring break back at Cocoa Beach, just

freaking everybody out.

And I'll go back to my lab and finally finish my experiments.

No! That's me, B.O.B.

- Then I'll be a really giant lady. - That's Susan, B.O.B.

Fine. Then I'll go back to Modesto and be with Derek.

That's still Susan, B.O.B.

I think I, at least, deserve a chance to be with Derek!

All right, let's go!

Everybody move in an orderly fashion! This is an emergency!

We are evacuating the city!

Exact change is appreciated, but not necessary!

Let's move out!

This is San Francisco! This isn't far from my home!

Feel the wind on your antennae. Isn't this wonderful?

I haven't been outside in 50 years. It's amazing out here!

It's hotter than I remember. Has the Earth gotten warmer?

That'd be great to know. That would be a very convenient truth.

- Now that's a robot! - It's huge.

Try not to damage it too much.

I might want to bring it back to the farm!

No, no, no, wait! You didn't say anything about it being huge!

Wait! No! Don't leave!

I think he sees us.

Hello! Hi! How you doing?

Welcome! We are here to destroy you!

I can't fight that thing. I can't even... I've never...

I'm hyperventilating. Does anybody have a giant paper bag?

Relax.

Old Link's got this under control.

Hide in the city, Susan. You'll be safe there.

But stay away from the Tenderloin! It's a little dicey!

Finally, some action. I'm gonna turn that oversized tin can

into a really dented oversized tin can.

OK! Does anybody have a 20 on Insectosaurus?

Wow! Would you look at the size of that...

Foot!

I got him, you guys! I got...

Don't worry, I won't let go! I'm wearing him down!

Please tell me he's slowing down!

Get to the city, Link. I'll catch up with you as soon as I can.

Or maybe you'll have to catch up with me.

Oh, no! No, no, no!

OK, OK. I got this.

Yep, that hurt.

Get in! I have a plan!

Hot dogs!

All right, Link, I'm going to pull up alongside it! You get up in there,

get to its central processing unit, and...

- Hey, guys, catch me! - No!

Let's go, let's go! Keep it moving!

Hey! No honking!

Excuse me! Coming through! On your right! No control!

Oh, no.

OK! It's going to be OK! Look, I'm gonna get you out of there!

Hold on a second! We have to get off the bridge before...

No, no, no! Get away from me!

Coming through! Watch it!

Hey, furball, where you been? %YQH0mr:!Q S
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