Original subtitles

(birds twittering)

- Hello, viewers.

My name's Petulia, I'm not peculiar.

I'm just full of top tips.

Today's top tip is oral hygiene.

Fluoride is a by-product of fertilizer.

If you were to dip your hand into pure fluoride,

it would burn off your hand,

and absorb into your bloodstream,

and kill you.

My organic toothpaste is natural,

100%.

With my recipe, I will significantly reduce

the looming shadow of your inevitable death

and improve your oral hygiene.

So without further ado,

let's make some organic toothpaste.

What we have here is a teaspoon of pure 100% coconut oil.

And here we have a quarter of a teaspoon

of crushed charcoal.

And the essential oil of oregano.

(peaceful harp music)

You have now made

your own handmade toothpaste

out of coconut oil, charcoal,

and the essential oil of oregano.

Brush your teeth for 20 minutes.

Your teeth will be so grateful.

Mmm, yeah.

Your teeth will be so grateful.

I'm an inspiration.

I'm an... (sighs)

I'm an-- - Fuck off.

(tuts)

(light music)

(doorbell buzzing)

Hello?

- [woman] Is that you, Albert?

Can I come up?

- [Albert] You're looking amazing, darling.

What's the occasion?

Your skin's beautiful.

- Well, I'm not sure I can say that much for you.

- [Albert] Oh, thanks.

- You're looking fucking skeletal.

- I've got a stomach ulcer, I think.

- [Woman] Get it checked, ya fearful prick.

- All right, I will do.

- By the way, for fuck's sake.

- [Albert] What?

- This looks as though it was bluxed.

- I've been decorating for 15 years.

- It feels like just after the war.

It looks like just after the war.

- Anyway, do you want sugar in your tea?

Is it still six in your tea?

- Oh, five, I'm cutting back. - Five!

I see.

- That looks like piss.

Did you pass that yourself?

- It's fresh three days ago, cheers.

Mmm.

Anyway, what's up?

- My grandson, Ben.

- [Albert] Mm, what's wrong with him?

- Useless prick,

all the way to South Africa,

lazy bastard, the homosexual.

- What'd you want me to do?

Make him a more active homosexual?

They've got very high aspirations,

the Yuneg folk these days.

- I took him to a doctor, I thought he was maybe a bit flat,

depressed.

You know the usual, fucking tablets.

You could just have a talk with him.

- Yeah, but if the doctor's already kind of said

he's depressed and he's given him tablets,

then he really needs to go to somebody who's registered.

- Fucking doesn't make him good to analyzing.

You've been analyzing all your fucking adult life.

Fuck you you have a bum and brine

up the fucking park.

- It was the '70s.

We weren't at the park in an ironic way.

- Truly, I wish I'd never met this South Africa

fucking brat.

Got back at our South African son-in-law.

Disowns his son just because he

prefers his steak rectally.

Useless bigoted prick.

- Well, I mean,

prove he lies.

- Tell me.

He's got a boyfriend.

He's sneaky bastard

with beady eyes,

the complete lot.

(birds chirping)

- I suppose I could have one session

with your grandson.

We'll see how it goes.

Will that do?

- You're a darling.

(soft music)

- [Albert] Hello?

- [Ben] It's Ben.

- Yes, yes, come up Ben.

Ben.

Nice to meet you.

Listen, before we start,

would you like a cup of tea?

I've got a delicious Himalayan blend here.

It's an Ayurvedic thing for your vata.

It balances it.

- No, I'm fine, thanks.

- Well if you were fine,

you wouldn't be here for the talking cure,

would you?

- [Ben] Is that what I'm here for?

- I think so, yes.

Unless it's to smoke my tobacco.

Would you like a cigarette?

I see.

So you turn down the Himalayan blend

to balance your vata,

but you want to smoke the American weed

as a missile thrown by demons my dear,

you do know that, don't you?

What would your granny say?

- She says we smoke more

than a Polish bakery.

- I've no idea what that means.

She does come up with some baffling shite,

your granny, doesn't she.

What about Maslow's hierarchy of needs?

We must first balance your physiological needs.

Let's go through to the therapy room.

So, you're going to sit in that chair,

which is the therapy chair.

That's where we try to find out who you really are.

And I'm going to sit in this chair.

I always sit in this chair

because it's nearest the door

in case I have to do a runner

if you get violent or something, or,

if the place goes on fire

and I have to show you out, I can,

like an air hose vest.

Now, we need to begin with some

acclimatization induction into therapy.

So, first of all,

everything you say will be treated

in the strictest confidence

unless I think there's a danger to you

or to anybody else.

Also, I'm gonna record everything

and there are a number of reasons for that.

One is so that I can listen back to what we've said

to give you the best

quality of care that I can give you.

Also, I may take something to

what's called supervision,

which is another professional opinion.

And thirdly, in case we have to listen back to it

for our own protection.

- Why would we need protection?

- Well, in case of any civil or criminal

or administrative litigation.

If I mess you up

so badly,

you end up in the hospital,

and you want to sue me.

- Is that likely?

- Well, it hasn't happened to me,

but I've heard of it happening to some of my peers.

Actually, we're meant to have a written contract.

I think I might have one here.

Finally, this will do.

So, the written contract

is an agreement between us.

What would you like me to put in it?

- I don't know.

- Well,

I'll tell you what,

just sign it there

and we can fill it in later, alright.

- Do you have a pen?

- No, here's a bit of

charcoal.

- This doesn't,

this doesn't seem right.

- Ben, I'm not an unethical therapist,

but I am an unconventional one.

Now, apart from your grandmother's instructions,

what has brought you here to see me today?

- I feel depressed.

- Well depression is really a clinical diagnosis.

I'm interested in how you feel.

Can you tell me what that feels like?

- You know, I feel,

I feel low.

- Low.

- Can you tell me

what low is like?

What are the feelings associated with low?

- I feel a bit,

a bit sad,

hopeless and

frightened.

- Sad and hopeless and frightened.

- Yeah.

- These are quite

difficult feelings,

these are heavy feelings.

If we were able to

identify where they are in your body,

where you feel them in your body,

where would that be?

- They're,

they're in my stomach.

- They're in your stomach.

If we were to look inside,

be able to look into your stomach,

what would these feelings look like?

- It's,

it's,

it's like black oil,

but it's in the pit of my stomach,

and it's uncomfortable,

it's,

it feels heavy.

- Alright.

Has there been anything that's happened recently Ben?

- I don't really want to talk about it.

(slow suspenseful music)

- How was the nut doctor?

- Nuts.

- Will you go back?

- Well he's got something.

- What do you mean something?

- I don't know, just something.

- Do you want to go to the motorway sign?

- [Ben] It makes me,

it makes me feel sick.

(rock music)

(heavy breathing)

- I'm the peanut in your butter.

I'm the jelly in your jam.

My tips are inspiration.

And today, I shall be

giving you tips on the beloved, humble houseplant.

These leaves get awfully dusty.

And my top tip

today is how to clean

these dusty, dusty leaves.

And the device that I need to help me on such a journey

is the humble

banana.

But we don't have time for that.

So I'm gonna put the fruit to one side.

Put it in a very energetic side.

And take the peel.

But we want to use the peel.

Take a peel and fold.

Put the soft interior on the inside.

We take the dusty leaf

and we wipe gently,

the moist side on the waxy leaf.

This helps condition and moisturize your plant

whilst removing the dust

from it's waxy surface.

As you can see,

it does

an incredible job

at cleaning the leaf

of a houseplant.

(soft music)

- What the fuck is this?

- What?

- For fucks sake, you're turning into a bear.

- It's just a bit of hair.

- I don't like it.

- Fine.

I'll shave it off.

- It's gnawing it's fair,

like disinfectant on shit.

Adam.

Adam.

- You know what,

why don't you get yourself a new hairless asshole.

Little shit.

(clock ticking)

- For fucks sake, what's wrong with your face?

- Nothing, I'm fine.

- Fine?

It's not very convincing.

What's up?

- It's Adam.

He doesn't want to see me again.

It's in your favor,

believe me.

He's a real sneaky, beady eyed bastard.

- I liked him grandma.

- As if your one super dick,

up the polar lounge,

Glasgow, fully it,

oozing.

- I don't feel like going out.

- You need to talk to somebody,

how about Albert?

He was up the woods shagging your uncle Carl

long before you were born

when he was a youngster,

you did.

He's an expert.

He doesn't just fucking read about it.

He lived it.

(slow suspenseful music)

- [Man] Albert, Albert.

Albert, Albert.

- [Ben] Albert.

- I've been expecting you.

- It's Adam.

He doesn't love me the way that I love him.

- How do you know that?

- He told me to go find someone else.

- Why would he do that?

- We got into a fight.

I was putting him up about being hairy

and he chocked me, okay.

- Okay, so you were putting him up

about being hairy.

Do you have a problem with body hair?

- I don't know.

- Well, I've got hairy legs.

You're not frightened of them are you?

How does that make you feel?

- I don't really care about your legs, okay.

You're not my boyfriend.

- True.

If you are in love with someone,

you would be in love with their

body hair as well, wouldn't you?

- It's just disgusting

and it shouldn't be there.

- You do look as if you've even started shaving.

In fact, your granny's got a better mustache

than you've got.

You do know that as you get older,

you will start having body hair appearing

in unexpected places, don't you?

- I'll just shave it off then.

I just don't want it, okay.

- You don't want it?

I wonder what it is.

Is it

what you're afraid of?

Look this process is about growth.

And I'm here to help you grow

like green fingered Derek Jarman.

- A green fingered who?

- Derek Jarman, he was a queer saint,

a gay activist

who liked to garden.

- Like a gay Alan Titmarsh?

- Oh, no, no,

not like a gay Alan Titmarsh.

He was a filmmaker and an artist

and he created a wonderful garden

in a stony wilderness.

Well,

I would like to do something creative with you.

So,

what we're going to do is this,

I'm going to be your father.

A strong, supportive, protective father.

And you are going to talk to it,

your fear.

It is going to be in this empty chair

and you're going to speak to it.

So, I want you to imagine it

is sitting there.

Imagine what it looks like.

Imagine what it's like to be in the presence of it.

Alright, what do you have to say to it?

- Hello.

- This is your primal fear that we're confronting

and you're going to say hello?

(slow suspenseful music)

- Stop frightening me.

You're ruining everything.

- Good.

Good.

Now you are going to become it.

You are going to sit in the empty chair

and become it.

Go on,

change places.

Now become it.

Try and stay with the feeling,

whatever it is.

Now, it,

what do you want to say to Ben.

- If I'm not here,

you'll get hurt again.

You'll get hurt badly,

worse than before.

- Okay, come back and sit down.

Alright, it,

I'm warning you,

leave him alone.

Leave my boy alone.

He doesn't need you.

Alright Ben,

what do you have to say to it now?

(slow suspenseful music)

- I'm sorry, he doesn't mean it.

- I do mean it.

I do mean it.

Don't be intimidated.

Tell it what you think about it.

I'm here to protect you,

to support you.

Now, tell it what you want to say.

- You're just a bully.

I want you to go away,

and I want you to leave me alone.

Without me,

you are alone.

(slow suspenseful music)

You've got me cornered.

I'm fucking trapped.

- Stand up.

Come on.

I warned you to stay away from my boy

and you didn't listen.

And so now,

I will destroy you.

It's alright.

You're alright.

How does that feel to be supported?

- It feels fucking weird.

- Keep breathing.

Keep breathing.

- Can I...

- [Albert] Hmm?

- Can I stay a bit longer?

I can't face grandma.

- [Albert] Oh, I can understand that.

Darling, you can stay as long as you want.

(soft music)

What I would not give for your youth.

Not for your mind.

(slow suspenseful music)

Come sit down.

Take your shoes off.

It'll make you feel more relaxed.

- Do I have to?

- Yes, it'll help you relax.

Good.

You don't look very comfortable.

- I like wearing my shoes.

- Your eyes are sad

and your face is sad.

- That's just my face.

- Why would

a young man like you,

with the whole world there for him

be sad?

- I'm lazy and,

I'm unemployed.

I'm lonely and I'm heartbroken.

- Alright, I'll tell you what then.

There's something we can do together.

I want you to massage your face.

- I'm not going to massage.

- Massage your fucking face.

Copy me.

Be my copy cat.

That's it.

Really massage it.

Look.

While your massaging your face,

I want you to say after me

I am sad.

- I'm sad.

- [Albert] Louder, this is for your own good.

I am sad.

I am sad.

- I am sad.

- I am miserable.

- [Ben] I am miserable.

- Louder, I am miserable.

- I'm miserable.

- [Albert] My life is a misery.

- My life is a misery.

- I am lazy.

- [Ben] I am lazy.

- I am a loser that nobody in their right mind

would employ.

Massage your face.

- You're the fucking loser you lonely old cunt.

- You say it to yourself every day,

so why can't you say it out loud now?

- You're just being cruel.

- No, I'm not the one that's being cruel.

You're the one that's being cruel.

You are the victim

of your own autobiography.

- This would never have happened

if I'd just gone on a gap year.

I wouldn't be stuck here massaging my sad face.

- Well what were you going to do,

discover yourself in the jungle like

Prince Harry in Africa?

- No, I,

I would have gone to Australia

and I'd never have met Adam,

and I'd be happy.

- Australia?

Apart from not meeting Adam,

it's got it's fair share of cunts too you know.

- Think about it.

It's landscape,

it's lifestyle,

it's culture.

I would have been outdoors more,

and not cooped up with my fucking grandmother.

- Australia doesn't have a culture.

It's a wilderness.

It's barren.

It's a desert.

I'd rather hang myself than set foot in that dust bowl.

You could have gone to India or

Borneo,

or Kathmandu,

you've got no imagination.

- You're blinded by your ugly cynical snobbery.

- I have no blind spots.

I have complete self awareness.

- Right.

Complete self awareness.

- Uh huh.

- Well if you were completely self aware,

you'd be aware

that Australia's had an indigenous population

for 40,000 years.

How can you say it's culturally bankrupt?

- I know that Mr. Wikipedia.

Look, you would end up working for some rich white farmer

with corks around his hat

and then at the end of your holiday,

you'd have gone to Sydney

and blown your miserable savings

on all the cock you could get your greedy little hands on.

- I just wanted to experience the wilderness.

I wanted to feel a warm, silent breeze on my face

and be thousands of miles away

from twisted and bittered Scottish cunts like you.

- What did you call me?

Come on, massage your face.

Do it.

Massage your face

and call me a twisted Scottish cunt.

- You are a twisted,

ignorant,

Scottish cunt.

(laughter)

- How can somebody that laughs like that

really be depressed?

Come on, keep doing it.

Massage your face.

- You are a twisted, old,

ignorant, lonely,

skinny, racist,

bitter Scottish cunt.

(laughter)

- Good.

- Aren't we,

aren't we gonna talk about my problems?

- Alright.

Do you know

what it's like to be loved?

- Yeah,

of course I do.

- [Albert] So what's it like?

- It's when,

it's when somebody wants you

and when they need you.

- No, well that might be desire.

I'm talking about love.

What does it feel like to be loved?

- It's when

you love someone unconditionally.

- Unconditional is a bit of a buzz word

and it's not a feeling.

When I feel loved,

I feel free.

I feel liberated.

I feel I'm a part of the universe,

that I have a right to be here.

I feel disclosed,

understood,

and completely relaxed,

like,

like a lizard basking in the sun on a rock.

(soft music)

So how does it feel for Ben?

- I made this doll once out of,

out of these sticks for my mum.

(slow suspenseful music)

- I think we should look at that.

I want you to close your eyes,

relax completely.

I want you to visualize that doll

really vividly.

Try and see it as clearly as you can.

Can you see it?

Describe it to me.

- It's a small figure.

It's

no bigger than my hand.

It's made out of these

kind of damp twigs

that I found in the garden.

And it's,

it's got a little elastic band

to keep it all together.

It's also got

a bit of dirt in it as well from the ground.

- What about scents, smells?

Are there any associations there?

Any odors?

- I can smell the garden.

Like exactly where I found it there,

there's the little dirt patch

and next to it there's the flower bed, and,

it smells almost like the flowers as well,

just a mild scent,

and it's almost like a perfume,

but gentle smell.

- I want you to stay there with all those senses,

all the colors,

and the smell,

and the texture.

I want you to be in the garden with the doll,

and I want you to be the age you were then.

Now in a moment, the doll is going to speak to you Ben.

It's going to say something.

(soft music)

- I love you

and you love me,

and,

that's the way it's always going to be.

- I think that might be a good place to stop today.

- Can I stay a bit longer?

Adams' DJ-ing in town

and I said I would go.

- Adam,

I thought you were chucked.

- He texted me

and some of my friends are going.

I said I would go.

- Okay, whatever.

Whatever,

but you can stay as a guest,

not as a client.

I've had enough of your problems today.

And you can't stay as an Annali sont

as my dear father Yune would say.

(upbeat music)

Here.

- [Ben] What is it?

- Taste it.

- It tastes like an alcoholic currant coriander soup.

- It is ginger and carrot.

Carrot for sweetness, my sweetness.

There's gallons of it under the stairs.

- Can I have something else?

- Well,

do you

fancy a wee doobie?

(upbeat folk music)

What the fuck do you think you're doing?

- I didn't see the ashtray.

- Well get up off your lazy ass.

There's one on the floor over there.

- For fuck's sake.

The entire flat is covered in dust.

Everything I touch is sticky

and smells like old hummus.

What difference does a bit of ash make?

- Do you know

who that plant was

in his previous life?

- Was he Swedish?

He looks like he came from Ikea.

- Carl Yune.

That plant was Carl Yune in a previous life.

- Was he Chinese?

- [Albert] Of course he wasn't Chinese.

He was Swiss.

- Well, it sounds Chinese to me.

- If you fucking mention those murderous,

genocidal bastards

that have invaded the land of my previous life's birth,

my native Tibet,

the land of the snows,

I will string you up by the fucking balls

from my prayer flags.

- Okay.

Okay, fine.

I won't mention the Chinese again.

- Good, fucking good.

Give me a puff of that, will you.

What are you wincing for?

- [Ben] Your breath.

- What's wrong with my breath?

- It's smells of burnt oak kegs and cat sick.

- Not too bad today then.

Listen, I'll have you know

that I oil pull

with organic oregano oil

from the mountains of Greece,

and I brush my teeth with organic coconut oil

and charcoal every night and morning.

All my teeth are my own.

I paid a fortune for them.

- So you don't use toothpaste?

- I make my own toothpaste.

I don't need to use toothpaste.

My gums are perfectly pink and healthy,

what's left of them.

- [Ben] I'm sorry if I offended you.

- Why don't you just fuck off to your boyfriend's disco.

- [Ben] I want to hang with you.

You're a quite interesting guy.

- Oh, thank you.

Quite an interesting guy.

Listen, if you want to hang with me,

you'll little homo,

then why don't you let me come to the club with you?

- [Ben] Okay, fine.

But you won't enjoy it.

- Oh, I promise you,

I will drink from the beaker of youth culture

like a thirsty old dog.

Here.

- Do you want some E?

- Where did you get that?

- [Ben] Adam gave me some earlier.

- Oh did he?

That was nice of him.

- What the fuck are you doing?

- I'm tasting it

to see if it is actually E.

It seems to be.

- Did you just take both?

- Uh huh.

They're not good for you.

And you shouldn't be messing about with them at your age,

especially you,

it's very dangerous.

- So why do you get to take them?

That's not fair.

- Cause I'm already eternally fucked.

(drumming)

Do you see the beautiful man?

- [Plant] Take me dancing.

Show me the glorious world.

Make I into we.

- Do you see how much he loves us?

- I see a cheese plant.

- We must take him with us

wherever we go.

(psychedelic music)

(sirens)

- Sorry, Gandhi,

no flip flops.

- Well that's alright then,

cause these are mules,

not flip flops.

But I am not a devotee of the veters,

I'm a Tibetan llama.

- A don't give a fuck what you are mate,

you're not coming in here

with some fucking plant.

- We're the guest list.

Adam's guest list.

- What, are you into horticulture?

- Yeah.

I'm Ben, and this is my friend.

Stop it.

(heavy bass music)

- What are you gonna do with a fucking plant?

- Dance with it

like it's the eve of the apocalypse.

(laughter)

- I don't want any trouble,

fellow llama.

You better come in peace.

You got anything in that plant,

I'll smash it

over your fucking head.

Got it?

Have a nice evening.

Watch the plant on the door.

Cunt.

♫ I see you

♫ Far across

♫ The room

(electronic dance music)

♫ Just you say

- Is this a walnut

or a photograph of a walnut?

- Is this another one of your silly tricks?

- Put your finger in the box

and feel my nut.

- It's a photo of a nut.

(electronic dance music)

- Is this a brazil nut

or a photograph of a brazil nut?

- It's a brazil nut.

(electronic dance music)

- Do you like spiders?

- I don't mind them really.

How?

- What a lot of people don't know about arachnids

is that there's more than one order.

But there's not just spiders,

or just spiders and scorpions,

there's pseudoscorpiones.

There's solifuges.

There's...

(electronic dance music)

My favorite one is (inaudible)

Have you ever seen one?

- [Bartender] I don't think so.

How would I tell?

- They look exactly like

a hairy kitten key.

(electronic dance music)

- Who the fuck is that?

- That's my therapist.

- Your therapist?

Why the fuck did you bring him here?

- I just thought like,

I'd bring him out.

He's fun.

- Look at the fucking state of him.

Ben, you know this is my night.

Why the fuck are you trying to ruin it

by bringing old hippies like him?

- I just wanted some fun Adam.

Chill out.

Look at you.

Making this--

- I don't care what you have to say, alright.

Just get rid of the old hippy.

(electronic dance music)

You must be the therapist.

- Mr. DJ here.

- I thought therapists were supposed to keep

a professional distance from their clients.

- Well, that's a somewhat old-fashioned attitude.

- Is it?

- Shouldn't you be inside entertaining your fans?

- No, actually.

Cause I got a bone to pick you,

you old hippy.

- Have we?

- I don't like the way that you've been speaking to Ben.

I don't like what you've been doing with Ben.

In fact,

I don't like you being the fuck around

Ben.

- I

am letting Ben

grow,

like the hairs

on a man's benny.

- Listen, you old fucking trout,

I've had enough of you

filling that young boy's head

with all sorts of shit.

Now fuck off

back home to your slippers

and your fucking hall links.

- It's not gonna happen.

- You're passed it granddad.

If you ask me,

I think you're jealous

of what me and Ben have,

our youth.

I think you just want a little slice of that don't you?

I can see it.

I can see the way you look at him,

the way you fucking talk to him.

But, it's time to give it up.

It's the end of the day.

You know, you're not getting any younger.

And it looks like

you need a new fucking dressing gown granddad.

- [Albert] Why?

- This one's got a fucking hole in it love.

- You little fuck.

I am going to have to hit you

with my sandal.

- I fucking warned you Gandhi.

You go and slap our red line DJ in the face

with your fucking Jesus creeper.

- That little shit

tried to burn me.

- [Adam] Fuck off.

- Go home you old cunt.

Go on.

With your fucking plant.

Fuck off.

Don't fucking come back.

- Cheers mate.

- Cunt.

- You're telling me.

- This is for

anyone who's

really ever suffered

or has felt abandoned,

or neglected.

♫ It was a cold frosty morning

♫ Cold frosty morning

♫ When I turned the age of 33

♫ It was a cold frosty morning

♫ Cold frosty morning

♫ And this is what my daddy said to me

♫ Shabby do do daddy

♫ Shabby daddy tabby

♫ Shabby dabby dabby

♫ Dabby do

♫ Shabby do do daddy

♫ Shabby daddy dabby

♫ Shabby dabby dabby

♫ Dabby do

♫ Shabby do do daddy

♫ Shabby dabby dabby

♫ Come on

♫ Shabby dabby dabby dabby do

♫ Shabby dabby

♫ Why did you do it daddy

♫ Shabby dabby daddy

♫ Shabby do

(psychedelic music)

(yelling)

(growling)

- I'm gonna tell you a bedtime story.

(laughter)

One day,

me and my cock

went for a wok,

not fucking walk,

a wok.

You cook veg in it.

You're a fucking veg.

I'm gonna fucking cook you.

I am gonna beat you to death

with my cockney fucking daffer.

(painful cries)

Quite you nut

with all of your fucking crystal --

(painful cries)

I'm gonna

kill

you

fucking

face.

(laughter)

You fucking cunt.

(painful cries)

I am never

had so much pleasure

to take

your fucking ass,

you fucking,

burning,

cunt.

(yelling)

(psychedelic music)

- I want you to fuck me.

- Okay.

(pleasureful moaning)

- [Adam] Harder.

Pull my hair.

What's the matter?

Come on, it feels good.

- I don't feel good.

- Come on.

What the fuck?

- Please don't go.

- I'm not fucking staying here.

It stinks.

(psychedelic music)

(buzzer)

- [Man] Who the fuck is it?

- Hey.

- Hello.

- Hello.

- Hello sweetie.

- How could you go back to that evil little shit?

- I'm sorry, I was looking for you

and he said you'd left.

- I didn't exactly leave,

I got chocked out.

I had a bit of a standoff with him outside the club.

- I'm sorry.

- Oh don't start crying.

Homosexual tears are worth 10 a penny,

especially when you get to be an old queen like me.

- I should have listened to you.

I'm sorry, I was being selfish, and,

I need you.

I still need your help.

- You've taken something.

Look at me.

What have you been doing?

You smell like ass crack seasoned with pepper

and a dash of vinegar.

(group chatter) (clarinet playing)

- [Man] Look, look, look,

you had to ruin it, didn't you?

(group chatter) (clarinet playing)

- [Plant] I have watched you fall in love with this boy.

You have lustful, greedy eyes.

Listen to his dreams,

not your old gray cock.

- What dreams?

- [Plant] He has already told you

about his dream of Australia.

Make his dream come true.

- Oh, I couldn't afford a trip like that.

- [Plant] Then recreate the mysteries of nature.

- [Albert] Out of what?

- [Plant] Out of your imagination

and fortitude.

- I have stagnated creatively.

- [Plant] Then change something

you lazy old homosexual.

- Boys,

I want to ask you a favor.

Can you help me express an act of love

for Ben?

Okay.

You start that.

I'll prove and paint down there.

Dither with this red and blue.

That's it, go for it.

Horizon,

which is where the sun is.

(aboriginal music)

It's me.

Alby.

- What the fuck is going on?

- I'm trying to fulfill your dreams.

- And what fucking dreams would those be?

- Australia.

We have to get to work

before rational consciousness blinds you.

- I need water.

- It hasn't rained here

for four long years.

Once we have died within,

the heavens will open

and we can all drink from mother nature's milky part.

- Please Albert.

- I want you to relax completely,

relax your shoulders,

relax your skull.

Relax your arms and hands.

Relax your chest,

your legs and feet,

and breathe from your belly

like you did when you were a child.

As adults, we forget how to breathe

because all the tension

and worry in our lives,

so breathe from your belly,

from your stomach.

And whenever your attention begins to wonder,

just bring it back to your breath.

Now I want you to describe to me

that Australian landscape

that you were longing to see.

What can you see roundabout you?

- It's open.

It's very open.

There's red sand beneath my feet.

And I can see a hill

and in front of me,

it's a hill formed through rocks.

- [Albert] Tell me what the red sand feels like

beneath your feet.

Can you feel it beneath your feet?

- It's grainy.

It's rough.

But it's warm.

It's very warm.

- [Albert] So you can feel the warm sand

beneath your feet?

Just feel the warm sand.

Feel it between your toes,

and see the color of it.

Can you see the sky above you?

- Yes, the sky is clear.

It's an open sky.

It's blue

and it's clear,

and the sun is in the middle of the sky,

and it's big,

and it's hot.

And it's beating down.

I can feel it beating down on my skin.

- [Albert] Good.

Good.

What do you see in terms of vegetation

roundabout you?

Are there trees?

- There's dotted scrubbery.

There's,

it's almost like dried out grass, and it's,

it's covering the hill that's in front of me,

but not,

it's not like it's a blanket.

It's more just

patches

around the hill.

- [Albert] And is there any scent,

any smell

in the landscape?

- I can smell the atmosphere.

It's quite,

it's dusty almost,

but it's,

it's dusty but clear at the same time.

- [Albert] What can you hear?

Listen.

Just listen

and tell me what you hear.

- I can hear the breeze,

just,

just passing my ears.

I can hear a faint crackling sound.

- [Albert] We're going to walk towards the hill together

and we're going to climb the hill together.

And when we reach the top of the hill,

we are going to find something

or see someone

who is very significant to you,

who is going to give you

a gift of some kind,

something very precious.

So let's walk now

through the landscape.

Are we near the hill?

- We're at the bottom of the hill.

- [Albert] Can we start climbing the hill?

- Yes.

- [Albert] Alright,

let's begin to climb the hill together.

Can you feel the rocks beneath your feet now?

- I can.

They are almost jagged, but not sharp.

I can,

I can feel their shapes on the soles of my feet.

It doesn't hurt.

It,

it's still hot like the sun,

but it feels good.

- Let's carry on climbing up the hill.

Feel the sun beating down on you,

the smell, the scents of the warm breeze.

Feel the warm breeze on your skin

as we near the top of the hill.

Now in a moment,

I think we're gonna reach the top of the hill.

Are you ready?

- Yes.

- [Albert] Now climb with me onto the top of the hill.

Tell me what you see.

(meditative music)

- I see embers.

I see a fire that's just burnt out.

I see the shrubbery which is,

which is being burnt at the top of the hill.

I can,

I can see the doll that I made for my mum.

It's,

it's just lying there next to the,

next to the burnt shrubbery.

- [Albert] And the doll has a message for you.

- It's saying,

it's saying you are safe.

(soft music)