Original subtitles

[snoring]

Marlon.

Marlon.

- Marlon! - Hmm.

- 'Get up.' - Hmm-mm!

Get up, you got to go to work. Pop is gonna kill you, man.

[fire alarm ringing]

Marlon! Marlon!

- Fire, Marlon, fire! - Fire?

Put on your jacket.

- I got to feed my goldfish. - Alright, hurry up!

- Stop, drop and roll! - Come on, hurry up.

Hurry up! Hurry up!

Don't worry about me! Save yourself!

[alarm stops]

Every mornin'.

You'd think he'd catch on by now.

[theme song]

♪ We're brothers ♪

♪ We're happy and we're singing and we're colored ♪

♪ Give me a high five ♪♪

(male #1) 'Alright, cut and print.'

'Beautiful, guys. Dynamite. That is..'

♪ Girl what you got goin' on tonight? ♪

♪ I got something that you gonna like ♪

♪ Won't you just chill with me tonight ♪

♪ I got something that you gonna like ♪

♪ Girl what you got going on tonight? ♪

♪ I got something that you gonna like ♪

♪ Won't you just chill with me tonight ♪

♪ I got something that you gonna like ♪

♪ I got something that you gonna like ♪♪

[instrumental music]

Yeah, suck it, suck it now. Get it!

Hey, don't stop, y'all keep goin'.

Hey, Shawn, show her that little move I taught you, you know?

Bam, bam, bam.

Marlon, get a girlfriend.

You know what, here's a quarter.

Go down to Times Square, you could get your own booth.

Hey, hey, hey.

Now, you know I can't maneuver in them little rooms.

Besides, after that donkey-show incident

I don't think they're gonna let me back down there no more.

But thanks for the quarter.

What are you doin' here in the middle of the day anyway?

You promised Pop we'd take him to the airport

for Aunt Eunice's funeral.

- What? - Hey, don't look at me.

I ain't kill the old bag.

- Baby, what time is it? - Almost two.

Oh, God, I'm gonna be late for class.

Oh, man, damn!

Marlon, if he misses this funeral, Pop is gonna kill us.

I never met Aunt Eunice.

Oh, yeah, that's 'cause she was crazy.

You know, after her 15th stroke

Aunt Eunice learned to eat with her feet.

- Her feet? - 'Like this.'

You want some?

Boy, put that down

and come on, let's hurry up.

We gotta get out of here, man.

Baby, baby.

Stop it!

What's wrong with you?

Baby, at the airport, could you please

drop this off at Federal Express?

My sister really needs these earrings

for a charity ball tomorrow night.

Sure, honey.

Sorry, honey, but we're late.

Mail it yourself, please. Thank you.

Hey, hey, hey, what?

Respect the woman.

I do respect the woman.

Then apologize.

- I'm sorry. - It's okay.

Sorry you too damn lazy to mail your own package.

- Who are you callin' lazy? - Hey, come on now, y'all stop!

I'll knock the weave off her head!

Stop it, alright?

Anyway, I have to go.

- I love you, baby. - I love you too, baby.

Hear that? She loves me.

Yeah, well, I'd love you too, if you did everything I said.

Oh, come on now.

You know it ain't like that between us.

Yes, it is. You're her little errand boy, Shawn.

If she says, jump, you say, how high?

If she says, go, you say, how fast?

If she screams, not yet, you say, oh, too late.

Have you been listenin' at my door again?

Hell, no. That's disgusting.

I'd never do that.

Besides, you can hear so much better from your closet.

Get outta here, you pervert!

Now, you know if I miss my plane to Cleveland

I'm gonna beat you like a red-headed stepchild.

You were 25 minutes late pickin' me up.

Aunt Eunice is dead, Pop, she ain't goin' anywhere.

You both should be comin' with me.

Didn't I teach you anything?

There are two things in this world

that are very very important.

Family..

...and big-breasted showgirls.

Pop, how come mom ain't goin'?

Man, I don't tell that woman what to do outside the bedroom.

But in the bedroom, you know me..

Bang, bang, bang!

Come on, Pop, come on.

Oh, y'all should have seen your mother when Nixon was president.

Oh, come on, Pop.

She was so fine, I used to call her sugar.

- Give me some sugar, baby. - Come on, don't do this, man.

That's downright..

[metal detector beeping]

Oh, man!

[beeping]

Dang!

[beeping]

Dang! Shoot!

You got a metal plate in your head, son?

Pop, I know what it is.

It's that Hot Wheels car I ate when I was a kid.

Damn! Watch, I'll show you.

Excuse me.

[laughing]

W-what you laughin' at, Fat Albert?

You better recognize.

You better understand that, boy.

And you better recognize

you in an airport full of people, naked.

Come on, get your clothes on, boy.

What's wrong with you?

(Marlon) 'Can I have my shoes, please?'

Now, you got your tickets, right, Pop?

Yeah, I've got my tickets.

I have a brain in my head.

And I got a little trouble with my boiler room, too.

I'll see you in a minute, alright?

Alright, Pop. Light a match.

Can I have my stuff, please?

I found them.

There you are, Mr. Starks.

- Huh? - Mr. Starks?

John Starks of the New York Knicks.

I think I'd know a professional athlete

in the first class check-in area when I see one.

What?

Shawn, she thinks I'm John Starks, man.

I'm sorry, Mr. Starks, but you and your manager

don't have to wait here with the common passengers.

You're in first class and you can board right now.

Oh, I'm sorry, there must be some kind of mistake.

See, we don't even have any tickets.

Well, of course you don't, because I do. Right here.

Two first class tickets.

Thank you, thank you very much.

God bless you, babe. Say a prayer. Okay.

We goin' first class. We goin'--

Are you nuts?

No, I am John Starks.

And me and you, my friend

are travelin' first class.

See, says right here, "Mr. Jonathan Starks."

That's me.

And here's your ticket..

..Boy.

Marlon, you a crazy. We are not gettin' on that plane.

Why not?

'Cause first of all, it's illegal.

Second of all, Lisa's at home waitin' on me.

I can't believe I'm hearin' this.

You used to be mad-fun back in the day.

And now ever since Lisa came along

and she gave you some sunshine

you've been whipped.

- What did you say to me? - You heard me!

You're whipped. Whoosh!

You're whipped like-like Denzel Washington in "Glory."

Like Morgan Freeman in "Unforgiven."

And LeVar Burton in-in everything he ever does!

Whipped, huh? You think I'm whipped?

You must be crazy, I ain't whipped.

I tell you right now, whipped is the last thing I am.

I'll show you whipped.

Kunta Kinte of love.

Excuse me.

But my client over here, Mr. John Starks

of the New York knickerbockers..

...is highly upset right now

that there was no one here to meet him with his bags.

Now, if this is the level of service, I'm--

Fine, you're right, you're right. I'm sorry, sir.

On behalf of myself and our airline

let me be the first to extend to you a complimentary bag

of our very own airline peanuts.

Not good enough for me.

I'm sorry, but this is unacceptable.

That's better.

You may go.

- See, nigga, we got two bags! - We got two bags!

[laughing]

- Who you callin' whipped? - No, you the man.

See, I'm just a squirrel in your world tryin' to get a what?

- A peanut! - A peanut!

- Here we go, Mr. Starks. - Ah.

- More delicious peanuts. - Ah, thank you.

- Our in-flight magazine. - Ooh.

And some little wings to pin on our shirt.

You shouldn't have.

Now, is there anything else I can get for you boys?

Um, I'll have some more peanuts

and a glass of champagne, no ice.

Yes, sir. And you, Mr. Starks?

I'll have something to drink, as well.

I'll have, uh, 40 ounce.

No bag.

Yes, Mr. Starks.

And, uh, oh, I'm sorry

I didn't get your name.

Uh, Mr. Williams.

He takes care of me when I'm on the road.

Oh, I see, like a personal valet

or a cabana boy.

Perhaps like the one I met in Mallorca last winter

who won't return my phone calls.

- Oh, no, no, no. - Unh-unh, unh-unh.

I'm-I'm just Mr. Starks' manager.

Of course you are.

Nice guy.

Oh, Shawn, are we livin' large, or what?

I can't believe you talked me into this.

Come on, man, relax.

Take it easy.

Enjoy first class.

We don't even know where we're goin'.

Excuse me, fellas.

Oh, if you don't mind my asking

um, are you an entertainer

or an athlete?

Or, uh, are you one of those rappers

that my kids just seem to love?

And if you don't mind me askin'

why do you think all black people

got to be athletes and entertainers?

Yeah?

Oh, no, I-I don't think that about all black people.

Of course not.

Just the ones found in first class.

Yeah?

And I bet you're just some rich white guy

who owns a lot of land, has a beautiful wife

and drives a luxury automobile!

Exactly.

I guess I told that guy, huh?

Hello, my Caucasian friend.

Good to see ya.

Ah.

This is the life.

Man, I can't believe we're sittin' up here in first class

pretendin' to be John Starks.

And Boy.

Man, I just hope nobody ever finds out about this.

(male over PA) 'This is your co-pilot, we should be landing'

'in Cleveland in just under an hour.'

Help me, somebody! Help me, please!

Help me, help me, help me.

I ain't the Motel 6!

Get off of me!

So, it's last season

game four, I'm guarding Reggie Miller.

Spike Lee gets up and he starts yellin' stuff at him.

So I say to Spike, "Hey, shut up and sit down

you angry cricket!"

I read about those colorful intimidation techniques

in "Sports Illustrated."

It's called dissin'.

They were dissin' each other, right?

No. Let me show you what a diss is.

Now, get your mayonnaise-eatin'

baloney-smellin'

David Duke-lookin' ass out of my face

before I smack you off this plane.

That was good.

I think I'll go back and diss my wife.

Get outta of here, man!

Hot towels.

Oh. Oh.

- Mr. Starks. - Thank you.

Boy, stop! This ain't a bathroom.

You're embarrassin' me, man.

Show some class.

[blowing nose]

Good blow, sir.

Here you go, Monty.

Monty, I hear we have a celebrity on board.

Yes, we do, Bob.

I told you to never call me Bob when we're working.

Well, excuse me, Bob

I mean, captain.

So you're John Starks, the basketball player.

- Pleasure to meet you. - Yeah, I know.

Are you anybody?

Uh, yeah, actually I handle all business affairs

and contracts for Mr. Starks when we're on the road.

Oh, so, uh

you're like what, his, uh, flunky?

That's right.

Uh, Boy, can you get me a blanket?

It's kind of nippy in here.

Thank you. Hey, hey.

Watch that attitude, now, alright?

So, uh...Mr. Starks

you want to come up to the cockpit and see how I do my job?

- Sure, I'd love to. - Follow me.

Excuse me, boy.

Hey, Bob

you wouldn't happen to have any of those

honey-roasted peanuts back there, would you?

No, but I have some of those

little bottles of Remy Martin.

I heard you manage John Starks.

Do you handle a lot of athletes?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

As a matter of fact, I handle all kinds of entertainers.

Uh, as a matter of fact

we just completed a film starring

Bushwick Bill and Emmanuel Lewis.

It's called "Midgets to Society."

It's a short film.

Wow. Do you have any bigger stars?

Um... you seen "Malcolm X?"

Alright, maybe you know who this is.

Tell me if you know who this is.

"Yeah...Snowflake..

...what's your angle?"

You manage Denzel Washington?

Yes.

Just like "Jungle Fever."

God, I loved that movie.

When we land at Cleveland, look me up.

I'm staying at The Marriott.

Yeah, you trying to find out

if that myth is true, huh, girl?

Oh, sorry about that, folks.

Hit a little air pocket, nothing to worry about.

That was my fault, Bob, I should have listened

when you said don't touch that red button!

That's okay, we usually carry

twice as much fuel as we need anyway.

Smart move.

Oh, man.

Shawn, it is so cool up there.

It's just crowded, though.

It's like everywhere I tried to sit

I was right on the captain's hand.

What are you starin' at?

Come on, Boy, get my blanket.

Hey, hey, hey, Marlon, come on no.

I'm not your lackey.

Now ever since we got on this plane

you've been gettin' all the attention.

You been signin' the autographs

you got two desserts

you got to sit on the captain's hand.

And who am I, huh? I'm just blanket man.

Blanket man? Hey, did you see that movie?

Hell, no! Nobody did.

Out of my way. Out of my way. I'm about to explode.

Excuse me, sir, sir, you cannot use these bathrooms.

This is the first class cabin.

You're gonna have a first class mess on your hands if you don't

get out of my damn way, and let me use that bathroom.

Shawn? Marlon?

What the hell are y'all doin' up here?

Do you know this man?

It's Pop, what are we gonna do?

Don't worry, I'll handle it.

Monty..

...I've never seen this man before in my life.

- Smooth. - Thanks.

Ohh.

Y'all don't know me now.

Excuse me, Mr. Strange man

but maybe you are getting us confused

with someone else, when, in fact, we are

John Starks and manager.

Excuse me..

...you got me confused with the man

who's gonna kick your natural-born ass

when I get you off this plane!

I had enough of you, old man!

- Get out of here. - Old man?

I got your old man!

I got your..

I got to use the bathroom.

Get that lady out of there!

I'm so sorry, Mr. Starks.

It's like the Third World back there.

I don't know why they don't just build a moat.

Well, this is it, man.

We've gone too far.

We just humiliated our own father.

Hey, hey, don't blame that on me.

He humiliated himself.

You seen that old Huggy Bear suit he was wearin'.

Look, Marlon, I'm not gonna play

this game with you anymore, okay?

As a matter of fact, for the rest of the flight

don't talk to me.

As a matter of fact, don't even look at me.

Don't look at me.

Excuse me, gentlemen.

I have a young boy here named Timmy..

Isn't he cute?

And before I take him up to see the captain

he would just love Mr. Starks' autograph.

Sure.

You're not John Starks.

Sure I am, little Timmy.

No, you're not. I have his basketball card here.

Shawn..

[snoring]

If you're John Starks, then how many

points per game did you average last year?

I don't know, how many times did you wet the bed last week?

You don't even look like John Starks. I'm tellin' the captain.

Boy, I will send you to Michael Jackson's house.

You watch. I can prove it.

Monty, make a basket.

Like, I'd need some bamboo.

No, like this.

- Oh. - Gimme that.

Now, I'm gonna shoot this soda can into your basket.

If only I had a nickel

for every time I heard that.

[inaudible]

Timmy...watch it.

Mr. John Starks is about to take you downtown, little brother.

[exhales heavily]

(Bob) 'Ow!'

Sorry, Bob!

Man, Pop, I think this is the worst day of my life.

I can't believe Monty tried to shove us

in one of those little overhead bins.

Yeah, I couldn't believe how strong he was.

- Get your butt out of there! - Excuse me. Excuse me.

- Get you butt down, man. - I'm sorry.

Ow! Sorry, bro.

- Sit your behind down. - Oh, come on, man!

Alright, I'm cool, I'm cool.

(Shawn) 'Oh, come on, man.'

Fix it, fix it right, man.

Come on. I can't believe I'm related to you two.

It make me wanna go home and smack your mama.

Hey, look, Pops, we're sorry

about puttin' you through all this trouble.

But I'm sure you understand.

Yeah, I understand.

Well, you know, uh, I was young

once myself, you know?

Really? Ooh, I can't picture that.

You old as the dinosaurs, man.

Shut up and let me tell the story.

Now, one day I was

on a business trip without your mother.

I'm havin' me a few drinks in the club car

got a little tipsy

and tried to pass myself off as Johnny Mathis.

- Did it work? - Hell, no!

Those Amtrak boys beat the crap out of me.

They got those big ring of keys, you know?

Oh, so you was like the first Rodney King, huh?

Rodney King don't know nothin' about no butt-whippin'.

Hey..

...well, at least we got to experience

first class, bro.

And you can't call me whipped anymore.

Lisa's package.

Oh, man.

She's gonna kill me, man.

Whoosh.

Shawn, where are you?

I've been waiting in your apartment for two hours.

Yeah, well, baby, it's like this.

See, I missed the last FedEx pickup

and I knew how important it was

for your sister to get those earrings

and I didn't wanna let you down.

So guess what I did.

I jumped on an airplane so I could hand-deliver 'em myself.

You know why? 'Cause that's the kind of boyfriend I am.

Whoosh.

Shut up, man.

I wuv you, Shawn.

- I wuv you too, Lisa. - What?

I said, I wuv you, too, Lisa.

Shawn, you're breaking up, I can't hear.

I said, I wuv you, too, Lisa!

(all) Whoosh.

Pop, your son's a disgrace.

Son?

I have never seen these boys in my life.

I happen to be Johnny Mathis.

It's a well-known fact Johnny Mathis

doesn't have any children.

♪ Look at me ♪

♪ I'm as helpless ♪

♪ As a kitten up a tree ♪♪

- Okay, okay, Pop. - Come on, Pop.

♪ It seems like I'm clinging to a cloud ♪♪

I can't see how this day could get any worse.

Hey, I just thought of somethin'.

How are we gonna get home from Cleveland?

♪ On my own ♪♪

- Would you shut up? - Would you shut up?

[instrumental music]

[baby wailing]

(male #2) Man, if I ever find the guys who stole my first class ticket

I'll kill them.

♪ Sometimes we walk ♪

♪ Hand in hand by the sea ♪

♪ And we breathe in the cool salty air ♪

♪ Ahh ahh ahh ♪

♪ You turn to me ♪

♪ With a kiss in your eyes ♪

♪ And my heart feels a thrill beyond compare ♪

♪ What a moment to share ♪

♪ It's wonderful wonderful ♪

♪ Oh so wonderful ♪

♪ My love ♪♪

(Monty) 'Oh, Johnny!'