Original subtitles

♪ Woo-hoo ♪

♪ When I ask you to a movie ♪

♪ You always take a pass ♪

♪ When I ask you out to dinner ♪

♪ Ya say you're on a fast ♪

♪ When I say "Now let's go jogging" ♪

♪ You say you'll never last ♪

♪ And when I want some lovin' ♪

♪ You break out in a rash ♪

♪ It's a million dollar mystery ♪

♪ How we ever got this far ♪

Get it?

♪ 'Cause whenever there's some action ♪

♪ That's never where you are ♪

♪ It's a million dollar mystery ♪

♪ There's a thousand reasons why ♪

♪ We'll get out of the red ♪

♪ And kiss all the blues goodbye ♪

♪ Ay-y-y ♪

♪ I give you my affection ♪

♪ You're never satisfied ♪

♪ I give you all my money ♪

♪ You still say you're deprived ♪

♪ I got a funny feelin' ♪

♪ That this whole thing is jive ♪

♪ 'Cause, baby, when I'm here ♪

♪ You should be happy I'm alive ♪

♪ It's a million dollar mystery ♪

♪ How we ever got this far ♪

♪ You knock me off the wagon ♪

♪ You show me to the bar ♪

♪ It's a million dollar mystery ♪

♪ There's a thousand reasons why ♪

♪ We'll get out of the red ♪

♪ And kiss all the blues goodbye ♪

♪ Don't look for somebody else ♪

♪ To change your world around ♪

♪ You're building your life ♪

♪ On shaky ground ♪

♪ You never get it up ♪

♪ You only get it down ♪

♪ Oh, it's a million dollar mystery ♪

♪ How we ever got this far ♪

Hey!

♪ "Cause wherever there's some action ♪

♪ That's never where you are ♪

♪ It's a million dollar mystery ♪

♪ There's a thousand reasons why ♪

♪ We'll get out of the red ♪

♪ And kiss all the blues goodbye ♪

♪ Bye-bye, blues ♪

Hey, wait a minute!

Don't hold back.

♪ You're... you're one in a million ♪

Hey, loosen up!

♪ Blues ♪

♪ You're one in a million ♪

Ha!

♪ You're one in a million ♪

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Sweetie pie. Mm... mmm!

Are you hungry, muffin face?

My little bitty cream muffin head?

Hungry for you, honey.

I don't know if I can wait anymore,

not after what happened last night.

Yeah, well, I'm sorry about that, honey bunny.

I guess I drank too much at the reception.

Oh, Mom, I don't want to listen to a speech. AAA gives it five diamonds.

I know because I read Town and Country.

I could really go for a cup of coffee right now.

Great place, Dad.

Should I get the barf bags out now,

or wait till after?

Don't you want to wait

until we get to a Howard Johnson's

or a Denny's, or something we know?

Well, folks, I would like to go get a cup of coffee.

If you two would like to sit here and entertain each other,

well, fine.

I told you.

Howdy, there, folks. How y'all doin'?

Come on in, come on.

Just pick yourself out a table.

You can sit anywhere you want to.

Okey-dokey.

Boy, can you imagine what their kids are gonna look like?

Ha ha. Have a seat, Howie.

Hey, have you love birds considered

renting one of our deluxe luxury teepees out there?

Let me tell you about 'em.

Uh, Dotty, honey,

why don't you get these two kind people

a couple of menus there?

Huh? Here we go, right here.

Thank you, Tugger.

Dotty, will you be nice?

You called that reverend and his wife yesterday

a couple of pencil-necked geeks.

That's just the kind of thing

that's been killing us here.

I have to go, Crush.

Crush, I've been thinking. We're just backup singers.

Is going to California really the right move for our career?

How many times do I gotta tell you?

I got connections. I know Barry. I know Lionel.

I know Bruce.

Crush, I have to go, okay?

Forget about it. We're not gonna stop.

Just pull over. We're not stopping.

Oh, yes we are.

Pull over! Pull over!

Okay.

Well, now that we're here,

let's just get something to eat.

I'll have the kick-ass chili.

I think we should stick to toast.

Well, hey, there, carrot top.

Hi, there, cowboy. How you doing?

Hee hee hee hee hee!

This creamed cauliflower looks good.

I don't like creamed cauliflower.

Come to think of it, neither do I.

Hi. What can I get you?

Besides someone with red hair like yours?

Coffee?

Well, what's that I smell? Chili?

You betcha. The best in the southwest.

Choice cuts of finest beef, pork,

rattlesnake, and armadillo,

delicately blended

in a very special secret ingredient of my own.

Don't believe him. His chili's killed before.

Well, what the hell? Why not?

Atta boy.

I like living dangerously.

And this may be the last time

I get to eat some good old American chili.

Why is that? You leaving the country?

Uh, yeah.

Honey, would you like a glass of milk?

Well, I'd rather have a beer.

Oh, you're so amusing.

Mmm.

I know your secret, sport:

Beer.

A gourmand.

Beautiful country around here, huh?

Hmm, it all depends on how you look at it.

Oh, you'd like to get out, huh?

I know the feeling.

Yeah. So far away, I'd never see another cactus

for the rest of my life.

Can we get some water over here?

Uhh.

Ohh.

Lollie, look.

What's wrong with him?

I warned you about that chili.

That snake was fresh. I saw the truck that ran over it.

Are you all right, fella?

Quick, Tugger, call an ambulance. Come on, hurry up.

No. No, no. There's no time.

- There's time. - Don't move him.

Listen to me, all of you, and listen good.

You shouldn't talk, Mister. Why don't you just relax?

How would you like 4 million bucks?

4 million? Yeah, I'm all ears. Go ahead, Mister.

There's 4 million

hidden in four different places,

a million in each place.

Each one is in a bridge.

Bridge? What bridge? Bridge, okay.

In the bridges...

Bridges.

I'll tell you where.

But there's something I need in return.

You want another bowl of chili, it's on the house.

Just name it, Mister.

Just a kiss. That's all.

Okay.

No!

Not you.

Her.

I've always wanted a kiss from a redhead.

Give it to me, and the money is yours,

all of yours.

Come on. Kiss him!

Come on! Do it!

Go, baby, go! Kiss the man!

Kiss him! Kiss him!

Kiss him! Go! Go! Come on!

Harder! Lady, do it. Yeah, come on.

Start at the city

of the bridge.

That was great.

That's it.

He's gone to that big cook-off in the sky.

Oh, no, he was the best thing in this place!

Hey, hey, hey, don't...

No, no, no, no. Now wait a second.

Obviously, this man was completely out of his mind.

Wasn't he?

I wonder which bridge he meant.

How many bridges did you hear him say?

You're all just as crazy as he was.

There isn't any bridge. There isn't any money.

He's just some deranged old coot

making fools of you.

He's adopted.

Fools, huh? Okay, kid...

Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey! Take a look.

Turn up the sound, Tugger! Turn up the sound!

Former White House aide Sidney Preston

was apparently working for the Libyan government

when he disappeared this week

with what's rumored to be over $4 million in payoffs

from that Arab nation.

Authorities believe Preston,

born in the town of El Puente, Arizona,

may well be hiding somewhere in the Grand Canyon state.

And now for the weather. Colder temperatures...

He's right! We're all gonna be rich!

Hold it! Hold on!

Everybody just calm down here a minute, huh?

The man didn't tell us where the money is.

He said it was in the bridges.

It's in the bridges. Yeah!

Listen! Listen, listen, listen.

He's from El Puente.

That's only an hour west from here.

Hey, Dad, el puente means bridge!

I learned that in Spanish class.

Didn't we come over a bridge when we came here?

Wait a minute. Shut up for a second.

Wait. Shut up!

It can't be in El Puente. There's no bridge there.

Ah, what do you know anyway?

Yeah, we know... Shut up!

Tugger. Tugger.

Hey. Tugger. Come on. Let's go.

Come here, big brother, come here.

There is a bridge in El Puente.

I thought you said there wasn't no bridge.

I lied.

Listen, I figured we slip out the back door,

we get a head start on these other clowns,

and we get it all for ourselves.

Ooh! Are you in?

Dotty, you mean you...

You want to leave behind everything we've always worked for?

Everything Mama wanted us to have?

All of the,

and the... and, of course, the...

Okay, let's go.

Headquarters, this is Unit 18.

We believe we've spotted Preston's car.

Will confirm later. Over and out.

That's his car, all right, Bob. Take a look.

Gee

Fred, please.

Thank you.

Sorry, Bob, I got excited.

Yeah? Old Preston's gonna keel over

when we walk through the door.

That's his car, all right.

Sure is. Come on. Let's go check inside.

Go around there...

Hey, hey, hey, hey. They're going after the money!

They faked us out!

Oh, no!

Come on!

Get in, Howie! Get in front.

There you go.

What's going on? I don't know.

Oh! Oh! Police!

Boy, I thought you said the food in here was good.

Preston's car's still here.

Okay, let's go get him.

Yep. That's him, all right.

Ticker finally gave out on you, eh, Sid?

Betcha he had some pretty interesting last words.

Probably told "em where the money was hidden."

The question is, where?

Come on, Fred.

He must have left some clues around here some place. Spread out.

Fred, what is it?

Ho!

What did you find?

No wonder you're so excited.

El Puente. That's his hometown. Of course.

You remember the cars?

A pickup, Camaro, Volvo, econo-box.

Good work, Fred. I'm impressed.

Come on. Let's go.

♪ Easy money ♪

♪ Eight hours, eight days a week ♪

♪ It's gettin' pretty old ♪

♪ Gimme some easy money ♪

♪ Give my regards to self-control ♪

♪ Goin' for the gold ♪

Faster, Tugger, faster.

We'll never beat the others this way.

Don't worry that empty little head of yours.

I know a shortcut right across that mountain.

So what? They'll just follow us.

Not without four-wheel drive they won't, little sister.

You better buckle up.

♪ Easy money ♪

♪ Eight hours eight days a week ♪

♪ It's gettin' pretty old ♪

♪ Gimme some easy money ♪

Bye-bye.

Woo-ha ha ha ha ha!

Woo!

Stuart, maybe we should stop.

Maybe we should just turn around

and forget all this.

Well... Barbara... uh

see that old rattletrap car

sputtering behind us there?

Well

dumb old Stuart bought about 50,000 shares

in that car company.

I told him not to.

You what?

You did what?

Are you out of your mind?

We're never gonna make it up this hill.

Watch me, little sister.

I could... do this in my... sleep.

Oh... oh... Aah!

I knew it.

So this is your famous shortcut.

Don't you start on me, Dotty.

I'll show you my famous shortcut to the hospital.

Aah, my head!

Excuse me.

Aah! Oh, Dotty, that's my head!

Get out of here.

I'm coming after you.

Eat my dust.

Ahh.

What a break.

Boy, am I glad to see you.

Hey, relax, big fella. I'm your jaws of life.

That's all right. I got it... Aah!

Thank you, Mr... Buzzard.

Buzzard.

It's pronounced "Buzzard."

Thanks a lot, pal.

Actually, it's Slaughter.

At least that's what they called me in 'Nam.

Figures.

So, uh, what's your name?

Dotty.

Dotty, that's a nice name.

You think so?

Didn't catch yours, maggot.

Maggot?

Look, buddy, the name's Tugger, you got that?

Tugger? That some sort of code name?

Listen, Mr. Slaughter,

do you think you can get us righted up?

Oh, yeah. Piece of pie.

Saw a chopper come down like this one time.

I was in 'Nam.

Veal Cutlet Hill. Ever heard of it?

Nah.

Guess you folks were too busy

having a good time at Woodstock.

What y'all doing out here in the middle of nowhere?

This guy came to our diner, and he...

We just... We got lost.

Old dumb me, I took a wrong turn,

and this is where we ended up.

Uh-huh. You folks wouldn't be perforators, would you?

Oh, no. We're... we're... We're Baptists.

What's a perforator?

Where are you from, Neptune?

Perforators.

Perforators.

Perforators.

You know what's right underneath our feet, don't you?

No, I don't. What?

Missiles.

Yeah.

Nikes,

ICBMs.

They're all right underneath our feet.

Really?

Yeah, all this here is man-made.

It's all dredged. It looks real.

Me, I'm in charge of making sure

no one perforates our ground cover

and sets off a nuclear winter:

You know, boom! Big mushroom cloud.

That's when the roaches start running the show, buddy.

Roaches, crayfish, us.

He's cute.

You listen to me, Dotty.

This guy has obviously worn out

his Rambo videotape.

Once that truck is upright, we're out of here.

Don't you talk to him, don't you encourage him,

and for goodness' sakes,

don't make any sudden movements around him, all right?

We're all gonna be human tempura,

a bunch of batter-fried vegetables.

Whew, got it.

Okay, Dotty and Tugger,

if that's your real name.

Great! Great! Yeah, all right.

Wh...

Wh

I just knew this was gonna happen.

Damn it! Aah!

It's gone.

Oh, no. Oh!

Hey, don't worry, these babies are built.

It can handle it. Oh!

Onh! A little body work.

Oh!

A little touchup paint.

Oh...

Be good as new.

Oh...

Managed to save this.

Ohh!

No need to thank me.

Oh! Oh!

Yeah, headquarters,

this is Unit 18 reporting in.

We've got that Volvo in sight.

We're gonna stick to them like glue. Over.

That's very funny, Bob.

Ha ha ha!

Stuart, slow down.

Will you meditate or take a Valium or something?

I'm doing great. Whoo!

Ah, the hell with it.

Ahh! Ha ha ha!

Aah! Aah!

Aah!

All right, Dad! Al right.

You know, I d

I'm not going to say anything.

Okay.

I'm not talking. I'm calm.

I know, I know. Don't talk to me.

Let me help you out.

Don't touch me. Okay, okay.

Hey, what are you doing here?

This is a Reva... are-re...

This is a restricted area.

Look, uh, sorry. We, uh...

We got run off the road,

and we landed in your little puddle here,

so we'd really appreciate it

if you could get us a tow truck.

We'd be really grateful.

We don't have a tow...

We don't have a tow...

We don't have a tow truck.

There's a station couple miles down the road.

You folks are welcome

to use the phone up at the plant.

No, look, it's very simple.

All we need is another truck and a length of rope,

and you could just pull us right out of there.

Uh, pull what out?

Our car.

What car?

It... It was just there a minute ago.

It sunk.

My Volvo!

It didn't sink, Mom. It disintegrated.

This is toxic waste.

Uh, no, no, no, son.

These kids with the TV today,

they watch too much...

This is just simple, ordinary

oatmeal.

What Phil's trying to say is, folks,

this is mud, plain, ordinary mud.

Oh.

Doesn't look like mud to me.

Mud is brown, not green and purple.

If the man says it's mud, it's mud.

He's got a white coat on. Trust him.

It's not mud.

If this was toxic waste, would I do this?

Phil.

Uh-huh.

You shouldn't have done that.

Uh-huh.

Phil?

Phil?

Phil?

Goah! Goah! Goah!

Phil? Goah!

Goah! Goah!

Phil? Aah!

Goaah!

Ohh! Aahr!

Aah!

Aah... ohh! Ohh!

Ohh!

Ehh!

Ehh!

Haah! Haah!

Aah!

Aah! Aah!

Aren't you going a little fast?

There's not a cop within a hundred miles of here.

Oh, no.

There's a cop right behind us.

Now what are we gonna do?

This is great. I don't have my license with me.

Well, I've got one.

Oh, you do? Here. Hop in the seat.

Get behind the wheel.

Oh, I really have to go now.

Okay, when he comes up,

make yourself look pretty.

Quick, get out the Richter scale.

Hey, hey, quiet now. I'll do the talking.

Uh-uh. I want to see his license.

Why his? I was driving.

Just how stupid do I look?

On a scale of one to ten?

Hey, hey, hey.

Officer, is there a bathroom in this place?

A private one?

Look, we get out of this thing alive,

I'm gonna have to kill you.

♪♪

What do you think you're doing?

Hitchers.

What are you, crazy? They could be dangerous.

Oh, hi! Oh, boy.

Oh, they stink, man.

They smell like a toxic dump.

I'm not letting them in.

No, no, no. Now listen to me.

There's $4 million

stashed about 15 miles down that road,

and we're willing to

cut you in on the deal. Yeah.

By all means, come on in.

Come on, Mr. Slaughter.

Please give us a ride in your truck.

I can't do it, Dotty.

Why not?

No civilians.

You're asking me to flaunt authority.

What the hell's wrong with you, buddy?

You just got through totally destroying my vehicle.

Don't you think you owe us something here?

I owe you?

Well, it was...

What do you owe guys like us, huh?

Another chance, maybe,

to go back and get it right this time?

Hey, wait a minute.

There's $4 million down there.

Dotty!

We'll cut you in.

$4 million? Uh-huh.

She's telling the truth.

Down there?

Yes.

You know how many lottery tickets that would buy?

Get in.

Come on! Yay!

Okey-doke.

We're rich!

Do you think some of the others

have gotten there and found the money?

Let's put it this way:

They're not exactly a bunch of rocket scientists.

Who are you, Einstein?

Oh, no. Einstein had more hair.

Oh, ho ho ho ho ho.

That laugh.

You're Bad Boris, aren't you?

Bet your Japanese teak tea service.

You've been my hero ever since the...

Wait, the other guy.

He isn't Awful Abdul, is he?

Die, you American devil!

All right! I love you guys!

These guys are pros.

These guys are pro wrestlers.

I love you guys!

Oh.

All right! Great.

Let's stop at the next nice place we come to

for a half hour.

We're gonna have such a good time, honey.

Ha-ah-ah.

Okay, here it is.

It's all yours for exactly 30 minutes.

Mister, where's the bed?

What kind of a fleabag is this?

There's no bed in here.

It's in the wall. It's a Murphy bed. You pull it down.

Thanks, Pops. It's a Murphy bed.

Do you know how to work those?

Don't worry about it. It's a piece of cake.

Ooh, wonderful.

You go unfold it, bunny lashes,

while I make myself pretty for you.

Aah!

Aah.

Aah!

What's going on out there, honey bunchums?

I'm having a hard time getting it down.

Oh! I can hardly wait.

Are you ready, Tiger?

Aah!

Lollie! Help me! Rollie!

Keep an eye on those people inside.

I've got to find out what the judge wants to do with them.

Gretchen, wait, wait, wait. Guess who this is.

It'll just take a second.

You know, sometimes,

I offer people money to be with me,

and they take it so I won't be unhappy.

I love it when that happens.

Bill Cosby, right?

No.

You always say Bill Cosby. It was Dudley Moore.

You don't know talent.

What are you, a cop or an entertainer?

I'm an entertaining cop.

That was very good.

I knew it was Dudley Moore.

You don't say.

Want to hear some more?

Sure we want to hear some more.

We think impressionists are sexy.

Don't we, girls?

Yeah!

We do.

Yeah.

Okay, uh, tell me what you think of this one.

Why don't you come inside and show us?

We can't see you out there. Yeah!

Yeah, come inside.

Come on.

All right.

All right.

All right, I'll tell you what.

Stand over there and tell me what you think of this.

This should be good.

Okay.

Oh, great.

This whole situation reminds me of my childhood.

When I was seven years old,

I was kidnapped by Norwegian terrorists.

Same blonde hair, same blue eyes,

same subtle yet perfectly shaped immense breasts.

It was hell.

Woody Allen!

That turns me on.

Do another one.

All right, okay.

Here we go. I think you'll like this one.

All right, here we go.

Uh, excuse me.

Gee, I hate to bother you.

Has anyone seen my dog? Little basset hound.

He loves ice cream if you have any.

Hey, hey. Hey.

You said you liked impressionists.

Now, this is serious.

Here we are, escaped felons,

and we've got Columbo on our tail.

Thanks, babe. You were great.

Was 1? Oh, hey, come on!

Well, well, well.

Looks like we've got a little reunion up ahead.

There's the Camaro, there's the econo-box.

Looks like they picked up an RV and a highway truck.

They're headed for that bridge.

Fred, check the map. See if the bridge is on it.

Don't worry, I won't hit it.

Look out, the sign!

Get out of the car.

Keep your eyes peeled.

Come on, girls, hurry up.

Hurry up, they're beating us to the bridge.

Howie, check the rain barrel.

Barbara, you check on that side.

I'll look over here.

This flimsy thing.

Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.

Out of my way. Watch out.

Hey, hey, hey. There's something right there.

He's found something.

Up there. This might be it, baby.

Anybody got a ladder?

We don't need a ladder.

Come here, Jake.

Hey, who are these guys?

Where did they come from?

Where the hell were you,

taking off out the back way from the diner?

Careful. There's eggs in there.

Eggs?

This had better be a part.

Hand it down, big guy.

Lollie, look, they're eggs.

Aw, this can't be much of anything.

I mean, how much money

can an egg hold, anyway?

Freeze!

What?

All right, these might be explosives.

Explosives!

Good old V.C. tactic.

Start putting little bits of nitro

into the chicken feed.

Pretty soon, you're making little omelet bombs.

What are you talking about?

No, no, no, no, no, no!

Not much of an explosion there, partner.

It's a dud.

Is that what your ninja instincts tell you?

I was just looking out for you grunts.

What's the third biggest killer in this country?

Cholesterol. Right.

That doesn't mean we're gonna eat the eggs.

It just means that we are going to...

Read the egg. There's a word!

Because there's printing on the eggs.

My friends, I say we have another look inside.

Yeah. Good one. Lollie, Lollie, get an egg.

Let's see what we have here.

Easy.

Lollie, look, there's words.

Yes, I think...

Check the others.

We got some words here. Dig in.

I... I got "money."

I got "you," babe.

Maybe there's a message here of some sort!

Yeah!

All right. Form a sentence. Let's form a sentence.

Let's see, put it together.

Yes!

All right, let's see what we got.

"The so don't very gripe you money

the seek close it's is please in."

Where would that be?

Mix 'em around.

We got to make a sentence out of it.

Rearrange those a little bit.

All right, okay.

"Don't so you the gripe seek very close is"...

No, that's not it, either.

Come on, let's put it into a logical sentence.

Come on now. Okay, okay.

Now we're onto something.

"Close it's very so please gripe don't the"...

No, no. Ah-ah.

"It's very close."

"It's very close"...

"It's very close so please don't gripe."

"The money you seek is in the"...

Where's the rest of it?

Of course,

the key word is missing.

The key egg is missing.

Yeah.

All right. It was an accident.

Get used to it. It happens.

All right, we all know it has to rhyme with "gripe."

Snipe.

No, but an obvious choice of yours.

Wipe! Type!

Swipe! He swiped...

He typed it! He typed it!

Hey! Hey! Hey!

How about pipe?

That's it.

Pipe!

Howie, look for the pipe.

Yeah, El Puente Police?

Federal agent Sanders here.

I need some backup

on the bridge outside of town immediately.

We'll be right there.

Lollie, where's the pipe?

I don't see no pipe.

There ain't no damn pipe on this bridge!

Maybe it's not on top of the bridge.

Maybe it's underneath it.

Yeah! Yeah!

I don't see anything.

Hey, this is no time to play Tarzan.

You're gonna kill yourself.

Ah, don't worry about me, kitten.

I used to hang from choppers

like this all the time in 'Na...

Aah! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hang on, Buzzard, hang on!

It's Buzzard. I found something.

It's in this pipe here.

Grab it, and we'll pull you up.

What are you waiting for?

I can't.

You'll have to swing me closer.

We'll take care of that.

Swing the man! Swing him!

Hold onto him.

Hey, be careful. Don't lose the money.

The money is secure!

Hey.

Oh, the handle snapped!

Imagine that.

Oh! No!

Fred.

I'll wake up soon.

Back to the diner.

This isn't happening.

Didn't he come with you?

Everything I've ever dreamed of.

Here. Give me your hand.

Federal agents. Freeze.

Stay right where you are. Oh, shit.

Federal agent Bob Sanders, FBI.

You know, folks, we've been tracking this Sidney Preston character

for quite some time now.

By the looks of things,

you've had a little run-in with old Sidney yourselves.

Anyhow, too bad about the money.

I suggest you get in your cars

and continue your vacations.

Thank you. You're dismissed.

Hey, that wasn't all of it.

There was more in the bridges.

Whoa, he's having another fit.

Gotta shake up the blood sugar.

Whoa, wait. What's the kid talking about?

What do you mean, there's more in the bridges?

He's babbling. He's babbling on.

Incoherent.

Hey, look, uh, I'm an attorney.

You're an accountant.

I'm an accountant for attorneys,

and I know his rights. I know all of our rights.

- Yeah. - We're citizens.

We don't have to answer any of your questions.

If I thought there was more money out there,

We'd be on your tail like flies on garbage.

Ugly on an ape.

Ugly on an ape.

Stink on a pig.

Stink on a pig.

Moles on Grandma.

Moles on Grand...

Beer nuts... Fred.

Anyway, if there is more money out there,

you folks can rest assured

you won't see one damn dime of it.

Not one red cent. Not one red cent.

Not one... Fred, please.

I hope I made my point.

Come on, Fred.

Fred.

Boy, you know all that legal stuff, huh?

I got cable.

Give me your hand.

Freeze!

Huh? Hold it right there!

You're under arrest!

Whoa!

Up you come. Up you go.

There goes the $4 million.

No, no, no, no. Not exactly.

See, he says there was a million dollars

in four different places.

So there's still 3 million left.

It's gotta be somewhere.

We should find something out about Preston.

The best place to start is his hometown.

El Puente!

Come here, Howie.

Come on, let's go, Bobby.

Captain's log:

Star date 20... 76.5.

Spock has fallen into the Klingon hole of death.

I don't know what to do.

Scotty, beam us up.

I cannot do it, Captain.

I got no pow'rrrrr.

Bones, do something, man.

Damn it, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a forklift.

Okay, all right.

Will you all just shut up for one second?

We're never gonna find that money

unless we all cooperate, okay?

Cooperation!

Let's go.

Lollie, Lollie, come on, Lollie.

Come on, Lollie. $3 million.

Oh!

I just had an idea.

A private investigator.

I betcha he could tell us something about that Preston guy, huh?

Yeah?

Look at this.

It's right out of a 1940s movie, isn't it?

Uh... howdy, ma'am.

We've come to see the private dick.

Mr. Sledge isn't in,

but I expect him momentarily.

Come on in.

Uh, momentarily... Come on... he'll be here.

Hi, doll. Joe Bass call?

Joe Bass is dead.

Tough luck.

But his gal called.

She said to tell you she's free Friday night.

Make the date. It's a cold world.

What can I do for you?

We were wondering if you could help us

find out about a man by the name of Sidney Preston,

who used to live in this town.

I can tell you a lot about Preston.

He's the kind of guy whose life gets under your skin,

like a splinter on a redwood love seat.

Take this down, sweetheart.

It was a wet Saturday morning.

Steam rose off the pavements

like it does off fresh hot dogs.

I was in my good blue suit.

I knew it was my good blue suit

'cause it clashed with my good red tie.

I had money in my pocket. I was sober.

I didn't care who knew it.

Well, what about Sidney Preston?

I'm coming to that part.

It's my job. It's what I do.

Time dragged by like a gut-shot parakeet.

I looked up

and focused my orbs, optics, peepers, blinkers, winkers

on a gorgeous dame.

She leaned in close to me.

I could smell that Mexican perfume with a French name.

She looked at me.

I knew this was the kind of doll

that'd play me for a sap, a sucker.

And I thought you were crazy.

Did you hear what I thought I heard?

forgotten the half-cooked enchilada,

the people like so many listless green flies

buzzing over a side order

of stale refried broken dreams.

That what you thought you heard?

That's what I thought I heard.

I get one good idea in 20 years,

and the guy turns out to be from Bozoland.

It was a good idea.

I didn't know the guy was gonna be an idiot.

You guys find anything?

What's the news?

So, did, uh, anybody find anything?

Yeah, I found a quarter on the street.

Hey, you guys, look at this.

Nice job, Howie.

- That's the guy. - He's in the paper.

Preston, there he is.

Abdul, could I have that quarter, please?

Thank you.

Hey, what happened? Hey, hey.

Damn, it swallowed the quarter.

Anybody else got a quarter on them?

I'm broke. Can you change a 507.

Say hello to St. Christopher.

This fella's gotten me out of a lot of scraps.

One time, a tracer bullet...

Will you give me that

just to see if it works?

Ah... aha!

All right.

Aah...

Hey, now we're in business.

What's that thing say? What's it say?

Uh, does it mention anything about my chili?

No, but it does say that Preston lived

on a houseboat in the Lake Powell marina.

Big deal. That means nothing. What does that mean?

That's it!

The money was hidden on the bridge of the boat.

He said bridges, you know, like bridges.

Wait, wait, there's more than one kind of bridge.

That's right. It's Lake Powell.

We'll find some other form of transportation.

It'll be quicker. Come on.

What it was he found here.

Let's see. There's got to be something here some place.

Look at this, Bob.

What? What?

"Peanuts."” "Peanuts"?

You haven't been following it, huh?

Snoopy's taken his little bird to the

Fred, what's the matter with you?

You raised on a raft or something?

Here it is. Top of the front page.

"Partly cloudy. Chance of showers."

Terrific. Just what I need.

Maybe an ice storm. That'd be good.

Lake Powell. Of course.

Fred, read this.

Fred?

Fred!

Fred, work with me on this one.

Fred!

Those morons are so stupid, they'd never find the money,

and it'll be all ours.

Boy, what I could do with that money.

Do you know how greedy

and materialistic you two sound?

Don't you realize the example you're setting for me

with this insane chase

after some dead crook's ill-gotten gains?

Don't you know

that a child is supposed to look up to his parents,

but with you, I

I feel like I'm looking... down?

Son, I want to thank you for what you just told me,

because you made me realize something

I don't think I ever really understood before.

You're a pain in the ass.

Great, Dad. Great speech.

You're beautiful!

Hey, Abdul and Boris, wait for me!

Howie, come back.

I'm going with my friends.

Ah, let him go.

By the time they get to Lake Powell,

we'll be millionaires.

She was a shiny new convertible

with a rusty carburetor.

I wasn't buying.

I moved on,

with my flats, my dogs, my arches, my arch pads,

my wingtips, my number 10s,

my pavement lips.

Time inched by,

like a worm doing push-ups.

Stopped a tracer bullet, did it?

Let's get out of here, huh?

Everybody else is gone.

Well, are you coming? Let's go!

Must have dropped my keys back there in recon.

Oh, I don't believe this.

Aren't you supposed to be some kind of expert or something?

Isn't there anything you can do?

Yeah, yeah, I can hot wire this thing.

Well, let's do it.

Come on.

Okay, Dotty, uh, all right?

There's two wires up under here.

Now, when I tell you, just touch 'em together.

Let go of my leg. Stop it.

Are you sure you know what you're doing?

Ever heard of the Pep Boys, Dotty?

Moe Pep and I are like this. Really.

Taught him everything there is to know about cars.

You don't have to drop names

to impress me, Slaughter.

I like you just the way you are.

You do? I do.

Really?

Really, a lot.

Can we cruise the happy waters of the love boat

some other time and please get on with this?

Okay, Dotty,

contact.

Nice work, Slaughter.

Uh, fan belt bomb.

You've totally destroyed the motor.

Can't you do anything right?

We're on fire here.

That was fast.

What do you got, AAA?

The bright lights sparkled

in my favorite color, neon.

You listen to me.

I'm taking command of this platoon,

you got that?

And you follow me from now on.

Let's move out.

Ha! March!

I'm gonna need your help over here.

Yes, sir.

Come on, come on.

We're gonna make us

a little midnight requisition here, Slaughter.

Check that side.

Come on.

Didn't know you had it in you, Tugger.

Thank you, Slaughter.

Hey, Hey!

Whoa!

I don't know how you got it into your head

to make those stupid investments

without checking with me first.

Pardon me, my dear,

but who made you an expert on investments?

I've had my own business for...

Oh, you're gonna use this as a weapon.

Every time we have an argument now, we...

Great.

We can make that.

Go ahead, go on. Get in, get in.

Go, go, go. Come on, come on.

Ow, ow, ow, ow.

All right. Hold that.

Ooh. Boy, that does hurt.

All right.

Barbara.

We aren't going anywhere. The gate is locked.

Yes, we are. Trust me, baby.

El porta equipaje esta abierto.

What does that mean?

I don't know.

Maybe it means, uh, fasten your seat belts.

Try the seat belts.

Okay, let's do the seat belts.

Let's see if that is what it is.

El porta equipaje esta abierto.

Radio. It's the radio.

Or the air conditioner?

The radio. Let's see.

No, it's all off.

What the hell does that mean?

I don't know. I took French.

Howie's the one that speaks Spanish.

Okay, uh, all right. Let's try

El porta equipaje esta abierto.

We know, we know.

Oh, let's see, uh... Ah!

Oh, that's not it.

No, okay. Lean the seat back.

Come on, start leaning the seats back.

Ah!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ouch, my neck!

Okay. All right, the hell with it.

El porta equipaje esta abierto.

Let's get the hell out of here.

We'll get another car.

I'm out of here.

El porta equipaje esta abierto.

El porta equipaje...

Shut up!

Gracias.

It was the trunk.

The trunk was open.

Ah...

Better hang on, baby.

This is gonna be one bumpy ride.

Oh, no.

Stuart!

Relax, it's a rental.

IAi, carambal!

Could you fill her up with regular, please?

Can I have a magazine?

Yeah.

Crush, bring me some bubble gum. Okay.

And give me a receipt.

Sure thing.

Well, I'm so glad

you asked that young gentlemen for a receipt.

You know, when it comes to balancing the budget

of this great country of ours,

it would help out if all Americans would keep receipts.

Give me a break.

Well, yes, the first tax break was my idea.

When the vice president came to me,

I said, "Bushie, well, maybe it's time

to give these people a break."

Okay, man.

Where's my magazine?

Hey, hey, hey!

What are you, nuts?

Hey!

What the...

That was a great idea of mine, wasn't it?

Great idea.

Great idea in American Graffiti too.

Yeah, and Smokey and the Bandit.

And Fast Times at Ridgemont High.

Oh, hey, come on.

What do you want, originality or results?

Did I come through or what?

Pull over!

All right, all right... Pull over!

♪ Let's spark the road ♪

♪ And leave 'em behind ♪

♪ We'll go anywhere ♪

♪ I'm goin' along just as long as you're there ♪

♪ Wherever we go ♪

Hold it! Hold it right there!

♪ I'll be by your side ♪

♪ Baby, I'm goin' along for the ride ♪

What the hell was that?

Oh...

Man.

All right, you dirty rats.

Tried to pull a fast one, eh?

I don't think you want to do that

to us right now, Officer, because I'm connected.

I know people in Hollywood.

I know Lionel, Barry. Uh, I know Bruce.

Shut the hell up!

Wait a minute. I want to say something first.

Look at you. You're a mess.

You're not good looking. Hey, hey, hey, hey.

You're overweight and you're underpaid.

You want to button your lip now?

You're never gonna amount to much, are you?

Well, we're going after $3 million.

Oh, she said it.

How'd you like to split it with us?

Uh, pardon me.

Just a second.

Uh, did she say 3 million?

Did you say...

Maybe we should reconsider.

Look, there's a rest stop.

Let's spread a blanket in the grass.

Ah-ha-ha.

Now, if you're very quiet,

you just might be able to hear the sound of beavers.

They're all over this area.

Shh.

Aah!

Hi, fellas. Ah-ha-ha.

All right.

Good! Great! Great!

All right, come on, let's go.

See you later, Pop.

Move it. Out.

Hey, this car's great.

Check it out, suicide doors.

We have to go. Come on, come on.

This is traveling in style.

Headquarters, this is Unit 18.

Do you copy? Over.

Unit 18.

We're currently pursuing the treasure hunters.

Do you have any idea as to their 20? Over.

Over.

Did you get any of that, Fred?

Let's see, uh...

Over.

Hey, what are you doing?

Ah ha ha ha ha!

They must be crazy.

Shut up. They're my folks.

♪ Easy money ♪

♪ Eight hours, eight days a week ♪

♪ It's gettin' pretty old ♪

♪ Gimme some easy money ♪

♪ Give my regards to self-control ♪

♪ I'm goin' for the gold ♪

Hey, watch it!

Look where you're going!

Grrr!

Play like this!

♪ What do they want from me ♪

♪ Want a little security ♪

♪ Keep the wolf from my door ♪

♪ He'll never come back here anymore ♪

♪ Lookin' for some easy money ♪

Aah!

Aah!

♪ Easy money ♪

♪ Eight hours, eight days a week ♪

♪ It's gettin' pretty old ♪

♪ I'm goin' for the easy money ♪

♪ I put in all that time ♪

♪ Still I'm in the hole ♪

♪ Gimme some easy money ♪

♪ I want me something I can hold ♪

♪ I'm goin' for the gold ♪

El porta equipaje esta abierto.

Oh, my neck.

Howie! My baby!

Howie!

Howie, we missed you.

Yeah, buddy.

We'll get there first.

Hey!

Look, baby, I'm so confused.

Lollie, what are they talking about?

There's too many boats out here.

There's a million of them out here.

Oh, no, no, no. This is absurd.

There must be hundreds of boats here.

We don't have the faintest idea

what we're looking for,

a possible clue as to where that boat could be.

"Sid's Sin."

His name was Sidney, wasn't it?

You're right, honey.

Slip number 75.

Where would that be?

It would be that way.

To the boat!

Follow him, follow him.

Careful, don't slip.

Come on, petunia.

Move it, lady!

Get out of my way!

Watch that elbow! Watch that elbow!

Follow me. Come on, Lollie.

Come around this way. It's quicker.

Well?

It's locked.

Locked? Locked.

Give me a credit card.

Give him a credit card!

It's not really a credit card.

It's not... well...

"Flesh Palace."

What is Flesh Palace?

It's one of those mailing list things.

I do their books for them, all right?

Who cares? Get it open.

All right! Yeah!

Way to go, kid! Let's go, let's go!

Let's go, let's go.

Hurry up.

Come on, come on, get in there.

Move out of my way.

Did you find anything?

Nothing, nothing yet.

Find the money, Bobby!

Hey!

Crush, come here, quick.

Look, there's a bridge in this aquarium.

Charity, it's just a teeny-weeny bit small, don't you think?

That couldn't hold bus fare.

I don't know. Preston was pretty clever.

Pull it up, please?

Pull it up!

All right, I'll get it, okay?

You guys will be nudging me about it all day.

Reach right in and pull it out.

Oh! Oh, my... oh!

My hunch was right.

We won! Oh!

Pull it out.

Wow!

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

Quick, open it up.

Come here, come here. Cover my back.

We're rich, yes!

Hey, he's got the money!

I got it!

I got it, I got it!

I don't know if you're aware of this,

but we're all in this search together, right?

You tell 'em, little sister!

I guess so, yes, whatever.

Okay, so therefore, the money belongs to all of us.

Fair is fair, all right.

So it comes out to about $60,000 a person.

60 grand? Give it up!

Hey, tax-free.

Yeah!

Divvy up. Divvy it up.

Now easy. Just be careful. Don't...

Oh!

$1 million.

I just don't believe this.

All right, we're all done. This is done. Let's go.

Let's go, let's go, let's go.

I have to get out of here.

I am so sick. I got to get off this boat.

What in the holy hell was he doing

with a paper shredder this big?

Yeah, well, he worked for the government, didn't he?

Well, what about the rest of the money?

There's 2 more million somewhere.

Yeah, but the question is where, buddy.

Dad,

you really want to know?

What are you talking about?

Oh, ho ho ho.

That's it. That is it. London Bridge!

Come on, Lollie, come on.

Here they come, Fred.

Fred.

Fred!

Oh, no, no, no, no. Wait, whoa, whoa!

Come back with our car!

Okay, nobody move.

United States government. You're all under arrest.

Hey, wait a minute!

Wait. I said nobody move.

Nobody move. Read my lips, people.

Nobody move!

Follow me!

Come on, will ya?

Hey, Fred.

Yeah, Bob?

Look at that. Yeah.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Probably not.

Let's go.

Forget it. We're never gonna make it.

We're not gonna make it.

Look at that. Great.

This is great! Let's go! Yes!

Come on! Ha ha ha ha! Woo!

Hey, Mister.

Hello, excuse me!

We need a ride!

We'll pay you anything!

♪♪

Federal agents.

We're coming aboard, toots.

Gentlemen, we're federal agents.

Take this plane to Lake Havasu.

It's a matter of national security.

Utmost importance.

Utmost importance.

Working goal... Fred, please.

No time to dilly-dally. Let's get airborne.

Hi. I'm your stewardess Bonnie.

Would you fasten your seat belts, please?

This is a hijack.

Take this plane to Tijuana.

I heard you two say you're federal agents.

Please drop your guns.

Now you drop your gun.

I'm with the Border Patrol.

Okay, drop your gun.

We're running drugs to Mexico.

Drop your guns.

Gonzales here, undercover narcotics.

Great accent, Gonzales, great accent.

Wait a minute. This isn't my gun.

I think I've got your gun, Fred.

No, that's my gun.

Then who's got my gun?

Oh, this is your gun.

Yeah, that's mine.

This is not my gun.

You might have picked up mine by mistake.

Oh, thank you very much.

Yep. This... This is my gun.

This the co-pilot's, this is the pilot's.

We've got an extra gun here.

Anybody want another gun?

Fred! Sorry, sorry.

Toots, let's get these turkeys off the plane.

Gentlemen, will you please follow me?

Oops.

And watch your heads.

Now you tell me.

Let's move it, Sky King.

Bob?

Yeah, Fred?

What just happened?

I'm not really sure.

Let's get this thing off the ground.

How?

You told me you used to fly during the war.

Yeah, that cured me for life.

Besides, look,

I'm not supposed to be operating heavy machinery.

This is very heavy machinery.

I realize that.

Says it could cause drowsiness.

Put a lid on it!

Come on, let's get off the ground.

I've forgotten everything.

It'll all come back to you once we're in the air.

Wow, it's cramped in here.

Doesn't even look American.

I don't remember any of this.

How about that right there?

I don't know, Fred.

Maybe this wasn't such a great idea.

Relax, Bob. It's all coming back to me.

Would you clean my sunglasses?

There's no time to clean sunglasses.

Just fly the plane!

I left my hankie back there. I'll be right back.

Here, hold on to the stick.

What do you mean? I don't know what I'm doing! Fred!

5, 6, ♪, 8!

1,2,3,4,

5,6, ♪, 8.

1,2,3,4,

5, 6, ♪, 8!

Police business. We're taking over your bus.

You, out.

No can do! No can do!

We're on a special tour.

Well, now we're on a new tour.

Hi!

Hi.

Hi.

All right,

I'd like some dim sum, no pork, please,

and no fortune cookies. I don't need the pressure.

We're going on a safari.

Safali?

A surfin' safari, yay!

Ready, girls? Hit it!

♪ Come on, baby, come with me ♪

♪ We're surfin' on the bridge to liberty ♪

Hurry, Stuart, hurry.

Okay, here we go. Here we go.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey!

Get up, Dad!

Run, Dad!

Run!

Come back here!

We're paying you $10,000! Come back here!

Grab the rope.

Ah-aah!

Hang on!

Sorry. Excuse me. Pardon me. Whoops.

Hey, nice sneaks.

Uh, I don't usually do this.

I'm an accountant. A tax specialist, actually.

Whoop... whoop...

Wha-ha-ha-ha!

♪♪

It's painted.

They can't even see us.

Oh, you're... you're not actually thinking

about stealing these bikes, are you?

So you're yellow.

A little yellow.

Well, you just stand there

and explain to the Road Warriors

why these bikes are missing.

Oh...

All right. Now, just stay behind me.

Do what I do.

Now let's move out.

Hey! Hey! They got our motorcycles!

My bike! They got my new bike!

Pull over here.

There's a mattress on the roof.

See?

Ah-ha-ha!

Fred? Yeah, Bob?

What was that? That was a noise.

A noise? Great. That's all we need.

I think one of the engines is acting up.

Is it serious? Serious as a train wreck.

That's serious.

Serious as VD in a monastery.

Fred, please, would you just get us down?

I might have to make an elergency manding.

An elergency manding? Are you out of your mind?

There's nothing but traffic down there!

Relax, I'm gonna put the landing lights on.

Oh, landing lights. Great. That'll help.

You got any idea which one it is?

Try that one right over there.

Ohh! Fred!

Aah!

Ohh!

We all set? I think so.

Flaps down? Flaps down.

Wheels down? Wheel... Wheels?

Wheels? You're kidding me! Right there in landing gear!

Aah!

It all comes right back to you, right, Fred?

It's like riding a bike, Bob,

like riding a bike.

Slow down. Do you want to get a ticket? Sorry.

We've lost the brakes!

Rollie!

Hang on!

Rollie! Help!

I can't believe the way these people drive.

Look at this guy.

You maniac.

They let anybody on the road. Some people.

Fred, what are you stopping for? What's going on?

I don't know.

Oh, no.

Ohh...

Do you believe this, Bob?

Come on, lady, let's move it.

Okay, Fred, floor it.

Floor it.

Do something, Rollie!

Do what? Do what?

Aah, watch the barrier!

There she is. She's beautiful.

All those idiots must be miles behind us by now.

Bend your knees. Hold on.

All right. Okay. Ahh!

Ah, we beat those bozos! We made it!

Oh, no, honey! Hang on!

Here, let me try these brakes.

Get out of the way!

Oh!

Didn't I tell you?

Coming through.

Out of our way.

What do you think you're doing here?

These are steps for walking.

Oh!

Oh, no.

Oh, damn!

Oh, great.

I don't believe this.

Bobby, let's start looking.

All right, here we go.

Let's start at the path. Maybe it's up there.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Oh, wait, whoa!

Wait a minute! Hold it! Taxi!

Don't fall, honey!

Don't worry, cream puff. I know what I'm doing.

Aah!

This reminds me of the time we attacked the Kon-Tiki!

- Help me! - He's falling in the...

See anything?

You know, I can't figure out

how they moved this bridge from London to here.

That's easy. They took it apart, stone by stone,

and numbered each and every stone

so they'd know where to put them

when they put it back together.

The numbers are still there.

Look. Here, I'll show you.

See? Numbers.

I know where the money is.

But I'm not gonna tell 'em.

You do?

You're not?

Well, son, I think you're doing the right thing.

But wouldn't it be more meaningful

if you actually found the money?

That way, when you didn't tell them,

it would be a real test of your moral fiber.

What do you say?

Promise you won't tell anyone, either?

Hey...

Follow me.

This is it.

Yeah, that's it.

Are you sure?

Positive.

That's the number I saw on Preston's computer.

Ooh.

He's found the money!

Hey, use the crosswalk, stupid!

That little son of a bitch!

Grab him! Grab him!

Move, move, move, move!

Okay, freeze, pal.

That money's government property.

Hand it over right away.

Yeah, I'm talking to you, fly boy.

Don't run away with that money. It's government property.

I'm as serious as a train wreck, buster.

Oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Oh, no, not again.

These loony tunes can't hold on to anything.

Yeah. Easy come, easy go.

Yeah.

You win some, you lose some.

You said it.

Fool and his money are soon parted.

What goes up must come down.

Ah, you can't take it with you.

If you can't be with the one you love,

love...

Bob?

Well, I guess that's about the end of it.

Come on, let's go home.

Dotty.

Come share this with me.

You know, at night,

you can hear the electricity

humming through those wires, and

it's just like music.

I'm going back to the diner.

There's bound to be a big line by now.

You coming or not?

Dotty.

Dotty.

Hey, Tugger, why can't Slaughter take his trailer

and put it in back of our diner?

We haven't got any room back there.

Oh, come on, Tugger, please?

Well, there is that bare spot

back there by the septic tank.

You look like a guy with a lot of faulty plumbing.

I don't deserve this.

I give up. I quit. I can't do this anymore.

I started at the bottom,

I made my way to the top,

and I can do it again.

Oh, Stuart, you're so

inept.

I love you guys.

But I want to grow up to be like my dad.

Well, back to being cops.

Well, that's okay with me,

as long as I can get some Jello-pudding, yeah.

Tony Curtis?

I got some, uh, I got some bad news.

I don't know Barry

and I don't know Lionel.

And, uh... I don't even know Bruce.

You don't know Bruce? Yeah.

What? What?

Ready, girls?

Whoa, hey, hey!

Oh, Rollie, we lost all that money.

Frankly, Lollie, I don't give a damn.

What?

What's the name of that boat?

Hey, look at the name of that boat!

Let's go!

Aah!

Can you believe those idiots?

Fred, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

I don't know, Bob.

You thinking about a chili dog?

No. That's not what I'm thinking.

What I'm thinking is that Fred and I

are never gonna find that million dollars now.

Neither are that bunch of freelance lunatics

chasing the boat.

The only one who can find that money is you.

We've been stumbling over clues

ever since we found old Sidney

lying on the floor of the diner.

We didn't even realize it.

There's a million dollars out there

just waiting for you to claim.

All you have to do to claim it

is to figure out Preston's little puzzle.

Ah, it's easy as pie.

Easier than falling off a log.

Shooting fish in a barrel.

Easier than shooting fish in a barrel.

Scraping muck off a mud turtle.

Scraping muck off a mud turtle?

Sticking hair balls to a porcupine.

Fred, that's really not appropriate.

Pulling beans out of your belly button. Fred!

What would you do with a million bucks, Bob?

I don't know, Fred. I think I'd travel.

Yeah. Boy, for that kind of money,

you could go to the moon.

But I wouldn't want to blow it on one trip.

I'd want to see a little of the world first.

What would you do with a million dollars?

I'd get new nasal passages.

I don't think you can do that, Fred.

I read about this doctor over in Switzerland,

and he did a transplant

between this 17-year-old girl and a llama.

A llama?

One of those South American things.

A llama.

That's what I said, a llama.

Anyway, he takes the sinuses out of the llama

Fred, I don't think I want to hear this.

Anyway, the operation was a success and everything,

but I bet her breath would knock a blowfly off a skunk.

Fred, please, you're gonna ruin my appetite.

Speaking of which, you gonna finish that thing?

No, hey, I couldn't eat another bite.

No, I didn't mean...

No, that's all right. You get the next one.

Oh, boy, I tell you, if I was rich,

I'd never eat another chili dog.

I know what you mean.

I'd live off of banana splits, I think.

Lots of whipped cream and chopped nuts on top.

Cherries.

No, not the cherries.

You don't like cherries?

I read somewhere where they're made

out of the same stuff as those Styrofoam ice chests.

Really? Is that true?

One of those things will stay in your system

for 17 years.

How could an ice chest possibly

Fred, cherries.

Oh, the cherries stay, of course.

I read about this guy on a bet, you know,

he ate a gallon of those things.

A gallon of cherries? They'd kill you.

Yeah, well, it did,

but they didn't have to embalm him or anything.

Apparently, he still looks pretty good.

They just propped him up in the corner

Fred, if you didn't read the stuff you read,

you wouldn't know the stuff you know.

There's a lot of interesting stuff...

Then I wouldn't have to listen to it.

I read a story the other day.

There was a space ship... Ah-choo!

Bob, you really better take care of yourself.

There's a lot of stuff going around out there.

♪ All the money in the world ♪

♪ Wouldn't mean a thing ♪

♪ Without you ♪

♪ All the money in the world ♪

♪ Couldn't make me love you ♪

♪ More than I do ♪

♪ It all comes down ♪

♪ It all comes down ♪

♪ To me and you ♪

♪ All the money in the world ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ All the money ♪

♪ All the money in the world ♪

♪ Wouldn't mean a thing ♪

♪ Without you ♪

♪ All the money in the world ♪

♪ Couldn't make me love you ♪

♪ More than I do ♪

♪ It all comes down ♪

♪ It all comes down ♪

♪ To me and you ♪