Original subtitles

Get your bag off the table. People eat there.

They eat on plates.

Don't give me any crap, Maizy.

I'm telling. You said "crap."

There's nothing wrong with crap.

Oh, really? I thought that was a swear.

No. You're thinking of shit.

Oh, right.

Do you mind?

A sixth grader chased me on his bike, and I was running.

When I got exhausted and fell down, he whaled me with his shoe.

Thank your parents for that.

- How come? -it was their brilliant idea to move here.

They weren't making enough cash in Indianapolis.

Forget that we were perfectly happy.

So thank them for getting treated like shit every day.

I'm telling on that one.

Shut your face.

Your book bag doesn't go on the floor.

Always have a cow.

Your nails are digging to my arm, God damn it!

Pick it up.

You're just supposed to open the door for us.

You're not supposed to kick us around.

I'm an American, I have rights.

Maizy, did I kick you around?

No, but you said "shit" twice.

But only once for real.

I've got better things to do than babysit you, you little stain.

Like what? Hang out with friends you don't have?

Why don't you just shut up?

Want to make me?

When our mother figure isn't here, I'm in charge.

I'm sick of you calling her that!

Too bad.

You moron!

I don't know why we need boys at all.

They're so loud.

MILES: Shut up!

Shut up yourself!

We need boys so they can grow up,

get married, and turn into shadows.

Let the dog out.

Percy!

This is such a wonderful dinner, Mother.

How do you find the time?

Miles.

Maizy, put that down.

Did you win in hockey yesterday?

Hockey's been over for two weeks.

I guess you don't want a hockey stick for your birthday.

You know what?

When Dad goes to New York, I'm going to take a week off work.

So you can interview new housekeepers?

I've had enough of your ugliness.

- Oh, really? -Mmm-hmm.

We're all just a little tired of the act.

This was a really good idea.

Thank you.

- How's that pie? -Not bad.

You gonna be at work in the morning?

I don't see how I can avoid it.

You don't seem very happy about it.

All right, if you gotta know,

I'm really not that excited about working for my girlfriend.

There. I said it. It's out of the way.

Okay, okay. Buck, I love you. I can't help myself.

I wanna get married, I wanna have a family.

I wanna do it with you.

Well, you know, the clock is ticking away here.

I would just like to hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet before I die.

I'll get you a mouse and a piece of sheet metal.

Come on. Lighten up, will you?

Don't push my button. I'm not gonna get into this.

I'm not pushing your buttons.

I know me, I know what I like.

All right? I like my friends. I like my freedom.

I like knowing I can throw my sticks in the trunk of my car

and go golfing anytime I want.

I don't hurt anybody. I don't see what the problem is.

That's the best formula for loneliness I ever heard.

Why are we arguing?

We're talking.

I said I'd be at work in the morning. I'll be there.

Okay.

I... I just gotta get this out.

I mean, I know I'm harping on something here, but, you know,

just let me say it. I mean, you know, I am...

I'm working on history. I'm working on the past.

You're gonna show up for work, you swear to God?

In the A.M.? Promise?

Chanice, I'll be honest with you,

if I could think of an excuse that you would buy,

I'd use it.

(RINGING)

Hello.

- Oh, God. -What?

Just a second.

- It's your aunt. -What happened?

Your Dad had a heart attack.

Who's going to watch the kids?

Marcie. She's right across the street.

She's the last person I'd ask for a favor.

What about the Nevilles?

Would you call them?

I want to leave as soon as we can.

I am so helpless here.

Honey, now, don't start getting down on why we moved.

It has nothing to do with what happened.

Sorry.

Now, this is just a thought.

What about Buck?

I'm sure he'd be glad to help out.

This is not the time to discuss your brother. I don't want him here.

It's just a suggestion.

He doesn't have kids. He isn't married. He doesn't even work!

He's a little out there, but he's responsible, and he's family.

Buck isn't the kind of guy I feel comfortable leaving my kids with.

The trashy people he hangs outwith.

That woman who sells tires.

The horse racing. The gambling.

Can you see him in this house?

Okay.

Call the Nevilles.

Are we going to Indianapolis?

Daddy and I are.

And we're not?

No. I don't think that would be a good idea.

Thanks.

I love my father very much.

So why did you move away from him?

If my whole family moved away from me, I'd have a heart attack, too.

Oh, I see.

- Who's gonna take care of us? -Mr. and Mrs. Neville.

- Is that a joke? -You don't like the Nevilles?

Their dog's a ball sniffer.

Don't talk like that.

Mr. Neville yelled at Michael Larson because the dog was sniffing Michael's balls.

Don't use that word.

I don't know another word.

Well, I'm sure we can talk to Mr. Neville about the dog.

Sorry, honey. They're in Florida.

Okay. You get in bed. You have to get up for school.

- Who's in Florida? -BOB: Get back in bed.

What's another word for "balls"?

BOB: Get in bed.

"Nuts."

What do we do?

I don't think we have much choice.

Can we trust him?

Yeah?

Buck, this is Bob.

Bob.

Bob who?

Buck, it's your brother.

Bobby.

Bobby, hang on a minute.

(BUCK COUGHING)

(ALARMS BLARING)

Bobby, I just used your Christmas present.

Oh, the Clapper.

Bobby, you little pissant, how you doing?

Jeez. What are you, drunk?

Hey, you know something? We gotta get together.

I haven't been over to your house since you moved.

Hey... I'm real sorry about those bushes too.

I had no idea they would all catch on fire like that.

You know, you were right. I should never have put the barbecue that close.

Buck, Cindy's father had a heart attack tonight.

We'd like to get down to Indianapolis as soon as possible,

but we have a problem with the kids.

We're stuck for somebody to watch them.

If you're not doing anything...

Is this okay with Cindy? This has got her approval on it?

Oh, yeah.

That would be great! I'd be honored! Sure!

I've still got the one bedroom, you know, I'm gonna get a bigger place,

but they bring their sleeping bags over here,

we'll have some fun. We'll make tents and stuff.

We'll get some toys and some peanut butter.

I thought you could come here.

The kids have school.

What am I thinking about? Sure.

Do we wanna do this tonight or in the morning?

Tonight would be best, I mean, if you could do it.

Yeah. Tonight will be fine.

That'll be fine. Don't worry about it.

I'll pack a few things. I'm on my way.

Thanks. See you soon.

He can do it.

He was asleep, and I woke him up.

At this hour, that's a good sign.

We're all set.

Okay. This, this, this.

Bag,bag,ba9-

Okay.

This one will do. This...

(RINGING)

Hello.

Chanice? Honey?

Honey, I have some bad news.

Let me guess.

You are not coming in to work in the morning.

Just let...

Let...

No, but...

You don't...

Would you just... Let me...

Give me...

You're not...

Give me a...

Good bye.

Oh, boy. Those kids. I haven't seen those kids in a while.

Tia's got to be nine.

Nine, maybe ten. Oh, boy.

And the two new ones, they're...

Larry and...

Larry and...

Betsy.

Betsy...

Jennifer. Jennifer.

Larry and Jennifer. Nice kids.

Honey, he's 40 years old.

He knows his way around.

Look, why don't you go finish packing, and I'll watch out for Buck?

What the hell?

Where is everybody?

Bob!

Bob?

This isn't funny! Come on! Wake up!

I'm freezing my ass off out here!

Oh, shit.

Come on, I'm getting mad, Bob.

Yo, Bobby!

- Buck? -Bob?

- Buck! -Bob?

- Buck! -Bob?

Over here!

(DOGS BARKING)

BUCK: You have any idea how many big white houses there are on this street?

- What? -Keep it down.

What? What do you want me to do with my car?

MAN: For crying out loud!

- Sorry, Mr. Hatfield! -it's 2:00 a.m.!

How you doing?

- Hey, sorry I'm late. -Oh, no, hey, come in.

- What happened to the mustache? -Thanks for coming.

- Had to shave it off. -How's Cindy?

Not well. Not well.

- BUCK: Her dad? -Hard to say.

BUCK: All those medical terms, huh?

What is it, an infarction or something like that?

Hey, I stopped smoking cigarettes.

- Oh, good. -isn't that something?

I'm on to cigars now. I'm onto a five-year plan.

I eliminated the cigarettes, then I go to cigars, then I go to pipes,

then to chewing tobacco, then I'm onto that nicotine gum.

Good.

Yeah.

Money. I'll leave you blank checks.

No, please. I've got lots of money.

- No! -No, please.

- No. -Look, I've got the money.

Please, I'd like to do this, all right?

- So... -No.

- No, come on, will you? Please... -Okay.

I'll pay you back when we get home.

I won't have any problems cashing

a second-party out-of-state paycheck, will I?

The reason I'm saying is, I've been so busy lately,

I haven't been able to do my banking.

I don't think there will be a problem. Don't worry about it.

Let me just leave you the checks.

Well, only if it's comfortable for you.

That'll be easier.

I guess, sure.

Do you have a plunger here? While I'm thinking of these things.

For the morning, you know? My plumbing is just so bad.

Of course, yours is good plumbing here, right?

Yeah. I would imagine... Don't worry about it.

You know, everything will be fine.

Just been bound up lately. It's driving me crazy.

I've been eating a lot of cheese, for some reason.

I don't know what it is, I've got a craving for the stuff.

Think maybe that's an allergy or something?

Yeah.

I don't know. I can't get enough cheese.

I feel like a big mouse.

- I don't know. -Ah, well. Ah, well.

Let's see...

Oh, Miles' birthday.

Forget that. We'll be back by that time.

Okay, then.

This should do. I probably won't use any of them.

Just in case.

- Right. -Great. Okay.

- Here we go. -I know I've forgotten something.

- Just put... -What else? What else?

Right up. There you go. All right?

Okay. That looks nice.

Here. Give me your arm. There you go.

CINDY: This should only be a few days, and I promise I'll call you tomorrow.

BOB: You got all the phone numbers, right? CINDY: Yeah.

- BUCK: Okay. -Well, we're off.

- All right, you take care of yourself. -Thanks a lot, Buck.

- Okay. All right. -We really appreciate it.

- Thanks. Thanks. -All right.

Thank you.

- Say hi to your dad for me. -You can do it.

- Drive safe, all right? -Okay, now.

Okay.

(WHISTLES)

Boy, that's for sure.

Unbreakable.

Shit.

It's 7:02 in the A.M., you're listening to W-l-don't-have -to-go-to-work-today,

brought to you by Kobolowski Tires.

For the best in tires, see Chanice Kobolowski.

(UPBEAT SONG PLAYING)

(SINGING ALONG)

Tia!

You remember me?

Uncle Buck.

The Uncle Buck.

Coffee drinker, huh?

Hungry?

- No. -Oh, come on, sure you are.

Everybody loves breakfast.

You've got to have a good breakfast, start the day off right.

BUCK: Mmm.

So where are the other ones?

Other ones what?

The other kids.

They have names.

Miles and Maizy.

Are Miles and Maizy up yet?

I woke them, thank you.

- There you go. -Are you deaf?

- I said I wasn't hungry. -That's one of my specialties.

I'd rather starve, thank you.

Does your mom know you drink coffee?

I'm not doing it to impress you.

I appreciate that.

Is there any particular reason why you're giving me such a hard time?

Am I giving you a hard time?

Well, I don't know.

Hey! How you doing?

Who are you?

I'm your Uncle Buck.

- Do I have an uncle? Unfortunately.

Holy smokes.

He's cooking our garbage.

Hey, where's your sister...

- Her name is Maizy... -BUCK: Maizy.

...for the second time.

Sorry.

You must be hungry.

Just for you.

Oh, my God.

He put onions in the eggs.

TIA: I'll gonna go check on Maizy.

I'll fix you some cereal when I get back.

- Can I ask you something? -What?

Is your sister always this pleasant?

No. She's usually in a bad mood in the morning.

- Ow! -Do you want knots in your hair?

- Ow! -Cut it out.

I want Mom to do it.

Mom's not here.

- She is too. -No, she's not.

She and Dad went to Indianapolis.

They did not.

- Okay, they didn't. -They did?

Yes. I'm taking care of you.

But you can't drive!

- Where do you live? -The city.

- Do you have a house? -Apartment.

- Own or rent? -Rent.

- What do you do? -Lots of things.

- Where's your office? -I don't have one.

- How come? -I don't need one.

- Where's your wife? -Don't have one.

- How come? -it's a long story.

- Do you have kids? -No, I don't.

- How come? -it's an even longer story.

Are you my dad's brother?

What's your record for consecutive questions asked?

Thirty-eight.

I'm your dad's brother, all right.

You have more hair in your nose than my Dad.

Nice of you to notice.

I'm a kid. That's my job.

That's my car. That isn't my car.

(SCREAMING)

Tying your shoe?

What time do you want me to pick you up after school?

Don't bother. I'll get a ride with friends.

No. I've got my orders. What time?

Are you really this stupid? I said I would get a ride. I always get a ride.

I'll just call the school, find out what time, and I'll meet you right here.

Go ahead. Call the school. I won't be here.

Stand me up today, and tomorrow

I'll drive you to school in my robe and pajamas and walk you to your first class.

4:00, okay?

I'm stunned that I'm related to you.

You get the pole out of your keister, we'll get along just fine.

Did you ever have anyone embarrass you like this?

No.

- You think she hates me? -With a passion.

Really. You think it's the hat?

- No. -No?

A lot of people hate this hat.

It angers a lot of people, just the sight of it.

I'll tell you a story about that on the way to school.

Uh-huh. Yeah, right. Listen, Buck. For eight years,

you have been making plans and breaking plans.

What are you talking about, hon?

Didn't we talk last night? Didn't we talk last night about this?

What did we talk about?

Me playing the father.

I'm glad that you can do it for your brother.

You sure as hell can't do it for me.

How could I do it for you, hon?

We don't have kids. What are you talking about?

Buck, I know you think the job is pointless,

and in some way, I'm trying to manipulate you,

and control you and ruin your life.

No.

Look, I have to fill the position.

It's important to the company,

it's important to me. I'm swamped down here.

Now, unless you tell me different, I'm offering the job to somebody else.

Why don't you give me a week to think about it?

You know, 'cause I don't know how long I'm gonna be here, hon.

And, you know, if during that week you see somebody in there

that's gonna fill the bill, hire him, part-time basis or whatever.

And that way, you know, I'll make up my mind,

and you know, we'll see where we are at that point.

Okay. Well, I have to go!

Bye-bye, hon.

Eight. Eight more. Come on.

Work it. Get the circulation going.

Come on. Step it up.

MAN ON TV: Isn't peace wonderful?

Mikhail Gorbachev, the most improbable evil emperor in captivity,

captivates Manhattan, wows the UN,

by announcing a unilateral cut in the Soviet military,

smiles and waves with erstwhile cold warriors

Ronald Reagan...

(DOG WHINES)

The stock market has its best week since July.

Take that Karl Marx.

(SNORING)

Would you like to talk about a possible lunch trade?

Cover your ears.

- What? -Just do it.

(CAR BACKFIRES)

Do you know how whipped an engine has to be to blow that loud?

Call me.

You ever hear of a tune-up?

(CHUCKUNG)

(LAUGHS MOCKINGLY)

You ever hear of a ritual killing?

(CONTINUES MOCKING)

I don't get it.

You gnaw on her face in public like that again, and you'll be one.

Hey!

- Are you crazy? -I can be.

You could have taken his head off!

Yeah, but would he notice?

Can we get something straight?

The guy's a predator, and you're his prey.

- Oh, really. -You bet.

And how do you know?

When I was his age, I was the guy zooming the girls like you.

Pretty face, big chip on your shoulder.

I recommend that you stay out of my personal life.

Do your parents stay out of your personal life?

They don't know my personal life.

Have they met twiddle dink?

- His name is Bug. -(SCOFFS)

First or last?

- First. -What's his last name, Spray?

You should talk, Buck.

No. No. N-O.

Don't look at me like that.

Don't.

That's not fair.

Don't you have a favorite doll or something?

Why don't we get one of your dolls and put your dad's pajamas on him?

No.

Your brother! What about your brother?

How about the dog? You know the dog.

You can't. You just can't.

It's a new law. That's it. It's in the books.

You don't want to sleep with me.

(PHONE RINGING)

Can somebody get that, please?

Do I have to do everything around here?

MILES: Yo. CINDY: Hi, sweetie. How are you?

Fine. I'm earning my keep.

Uncle Buck's got me busting my hump.

He says a little hard work will put hair on my chest.

At least I'm learning a trade.

That's good.

Grandpa's feeling a little bit better.

And he sent you big hugs and kisses.

Tell him to hang in there.

Can you get Uncle Buck?

Will do, chickie.

Mom.

Hi.

Next time you take off, why don't you hire a murderer to watch the house?

This guy's a joke.

Well, why don't you just go your way and let him go his?

While he systematically dismantles my life.

Another drawback is I'm a big drooler.

You could wake up in the middle of the night thinking you were asleep in a swamp.

Mom's on the phone.

Oh, good. I'll be right there.

The guy took off and left Miles and Maizy alone.

Plus...he drinks.

Did you brush your teeth?

Yeah. You can feel my toothbrush.

I have a friend who works at the crime lab at the police station.

I could give him your toothbrush

and he could run a test on it to see if you actually brushed your teeth

or just ran your toothbrush under the faucet.

If that's true, we're gonna really have to start brushing our teeth.

Hi. How are you?

(INDY: I'm okay. How's everything?

BUCK: Good. Good.

CINDY: You sure?

BUCK: Everything is fine here. Everything is fine.

Kids are okay?

Kids are great! We're having a great time together.

How's your dad?

He's okay. He's okay. He's getting better. Thanks.

BUCK: Good. Well, that's good news. That's encouraging.

I've got a real good feeling about this. He's gonna be fine.

I've got a few questions for you.

You know, you got an interesting set of plates in the living room there.

Are they old?

- Yeah. -They are.

Where would you find something like that?

In an antique shop downtown or something?

In England.

-(BUCK WHISTLES) - CINDY: Everything else seems...

How many times a day do you feed a dog like that?

How many times a day do you think he eats?

Four or five.

I should have told you that he eats once. He eats once a day.

Just once.

What does he like to drink? Water?

Yes. He drinks water.

I'd keep some water out.

I've been leaving the toilet seats up.

Yeah.

Is that what the blue water is? It's not good for him.

(GROANS) on, God.

That might account for something.

Nothing.

Just an odd coloration out on the grass.

Buck, um...

I just want you to know it makes me feel very secure to know that you're there.

(CRYING) Thank you very much.

Okay. Bye-bye-

Bob!

Bob!

(SIGHS)

Cindy.

Come on. Open up.

Hello.

BUCK: I'm getting mad. All right.

Get ready. Here I come.

Come on. What? Do I have to talk dirty to you?

Come on, open up for daddy.

There we go. Come on. Nice and easy.

Come on, there we go. Ah! Take that!

Take that! Come on! You don't want the crowbar, do you?

Come on!

Open up!

Come on!

I'm going to shove my load into you whether you like it or not.

Come on! (GROANS)

Come on, you son of a bitch.

Open up.

Okay. (SIGHS)

(SCREAMING)

- Freeze! -What?

- Who are you? -Cindy!

She's in Indianapolis.

What's she doing in Indianapolis?

Her father had a heart attack.

Who are you? And how do you know her father had a heart attack?

I'm her brother-in-law.

Oh, yeah! Who you talking dirty to?

The washing machine.

I... I don't know how to work it, so I was kicking it and swearing at it,

you know, which is not an uncommon thing to do.

And you thought that...

(CHUCKLING) on, jeez...

- I apologize. -Okay.

Boy! That's funny.

I live across the street.

My name is Marcie.

Buck Russell.

Marcie Dahlgren-Frost.

Dahlgren is my maiden name. Frost is my married name.

I'm single again, but I never bothered to lose the Frost.

And I get compliments on the hyphen.

Sure you would. Sure you would. Yeah.

Well, I came to invite Cindy to lunch.

But since she's not here, do you have plans?

Actually, I got a lot of things to do around here.

Rain check?

I'll only be here a couple clays.

Cindy said it would only be a couple days?

Well, she didn't specify. I just assumed, you know.

My father's heart attack, I was out of town for three weeks.

No wonder Cindy didn't call me.

You need a relative for an imposition this size.

Waiting for your sex?

Shut up.

BUCK: Tia.

Tia.

What did you blow all that make-up for? We're just going bowling.

I'm not going bowling.

Come on, it's a great sport.

And it's virtually impossible to get pregnant while doing it.

If you catch my drift.

You're disgusting.

I'll die before I go anywhere with you.

It's gonna be fun.

They have rent-a-shoes.

And rent-a-foot-disease.

We've done the battle of the wills.

The deck's stacked in my favor.

You're just gonna lose again.

Try me.

How'd you like to spend the next several nights

wondering if your crazy out-of-work bum uncle

will shave your head while you sleep?

See you in the car.

(EERIE MUSIC PLAYING)

(MIMICS SHAVER BUZZING)

Yeah!

There you go.

Now, this is a bowling ball.

How you doing?

I've never seen you here before.

I know about everybody.

That's why they call me Pal.

Buy you a beer?

You must be a college student, right?

Cheerleader, probably.

You look firm.

Come on. Give it a push.

You like all-terrain vehicles?

I got a brand-new Bronco right out in the parking lot. Red.

Want to go for a ride?

Maizy, if the object of the game were

to get the ball as close to the pins without knocking any over,

you would be champion of the world.

- Really? -Really.

My throat sort of hurts. I can't talk.

I got a cure for that.

Buck.

- You got a game somewhere, Pal? -Yeah.

You won't get any strikes sitting there, are you?

Move it! Go on, get out!

Hey, shithead! Where the hell you been, huh?

(BOTH VOCALIZING)

BOTH: Hey! Hey! Hey!

Come on, sit down. I want you to meet my niece.

Tia, this is Rog. Rog, Tia.

Hi. How are you?

E. Roger Coswell.

Come on. It ain't gonna bite.

Okay. You've got to let somebody know where you are.

I've been checking car trunks for your corpse.

Yeah, I'm sorry about that.

I've been out in the suburbs looking after my brother's kids for a few days.

They're cute! Oh, I tell you.

Art Linkletter was right, kids do say the god damnedest things.

Is Chanice here?

No. I'm kind of flying solo tonight.

ROGER: I want to let her have it for not marrying you.

You know, if she caged you and married your worthless butt,

I'd be able to find you.

I got to talk business. I can't find you.

Why don't we step in my office, then?

Excuse us, will you. Come on.

It was nice meeting you.

I'll remember it always.

Cute kid.

Jimmy Bean called.

Oh, yeah?

He's coming in for the Winter Million at Burlington Park on Friday.

He says it's a boat race. Very easy money.

He owes you and he owes me.

So he says we should show up an hour before post time

and he'll give us the tip.

Consider this, Buck, with this score, your whole year's covered.

Huh?

Maybe I can make it work.

I'll see you Friday night.

Thanks, Rog. Watch the sterno, will you?

Hey, watch your fingers.

Yay!

What's a Chanice?

That's someone who's sometimes seen around a Buck.

Your girlfriend?

A friend, and, yes, she is a girl.

Are you supposed to marry her or something?

The subject has come up, yes, but nothing serious.

Maybe if you got married, you'd stop being such an asshole.

Cigar?

No, thanks.

Let me know if you change your mind.

I will.

I'll get it nice and juicy for you.

This is where you separate the men from the boys.

Easy. Easy. There you go. Yeah.

I got you now.

Happy birthday!

Whoo!

I hope you're hungry-

You should see the toast! I couldn't even get it through the door.

Ah, announcement here.

There's going to be a little delay on the clown.

What clown?

Miles' mom hired a clown.

(EXCLAIMS)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(GROANS)

(BELCHES)

What's the matter? You don't like clowns?

-(DOORBELL RINGING) -Yeah. About five years ago.

Clowns are so boring, they make me puke.

(MUMBLING)

Screw them. That's all they get.

(LAUGHING)

I'm Pooter-the-Clown.

Put it there.

(HONKS)

The kids Will love that.

I didn't order you. My sister-in-law did.

She's not here right now. I'm looking after them. I'm the uncle.

I'm Buck Russell.

Great, listen, I'm sorry I'm late.

I was at this all-night bachelorette party.

Need any dildo jokes?

Wham! I'm the guy!

What did you have? A few drinks this morning?

Huh? I think you did, didn't you?

Who are you? Mother Cabrini?

You never touch the stuff?

No,no,no,

but I wouldn't be drinking if I was going to entertain some kids.

I don't have to take any shit from you.

You know who I am?

In the field of local live home entertainment, I'm a god!

Get in your mouse and get out of here.

Hey, you, let me tell you something,

you low-life, lying, four-flushing sack of shit.

(GROWLS)

BUG: Let's go out to the car, huh?

Why?

What do you mean, why?

Not now.

It's fine.

It's not fine.

Why not?

I just don't feel right yet.

You ever going to feel right?

I don't get where we're going.

I told you 25 times. We're going to pick up Tia.

She's at a cheerleader's house having dinner.

Well, so she says.

Since when do cheerleaders live in the woods?

Come on. I'll take you home now.

I don't want to go home.

I'm okay.

Sure?

Trust me.

(CAR BACKFIRES)

- Shit! -Shit!

Well, well, well.

They certainly are scraping the bottom of the barrel for cheerleaders these days.

What are you doing here?

We were just driving by, going out for some ice cream.

Thought you might like to join us.

I said I would be home at 10:00. It's not even 9:00.

Who said anything about that? I just thought you'd like to join us for some ice cream.

Maybe your Bug here can join us.

We can talk about burying the hatchet.

You know what a hatchet is, don%you,Bug?

It's an ax?

Sort of. Yeah. Yeah.

I got one in the car if you'd like to see it.

L1lpass.

Fair enough. I like to carry it.

You never know when you're gonna need it.

A situation may come up, say,

for example, someone's been drinking and about to drive a loved one home,

then I like to know I have it.

Not to kill. (CHUCKLES) Just to maim.

Take a little off the shoulder. Woosh!

The elbow.

Shave a little meat off the old kneecap.

Whoo.

You got both kneecaps?

I like to keep mine razor-sharp, too.

Sharp enough you can shave with them.

Why, I've been known to circumcise a gnat.

You're not a gnat, are you, Bug?

Wait a minute. Bug, gnat.

Is there a little similarity there?

Whoa! I think there is.

You understand what I'm talking about?

I don't think you do.

I'll be right back.

- I'm sorry. -Look, um, I think you'd better split.

You know, I don't exactly want him going berserk with an ax on me.

He's all talk.

Here it is.

Come on over. Come on, I wanna show it to you.

Maybe later.

Okay.

TIA: He's gone in a few days.

Just relax.

I'll get him back.

That's a pretty stupid thing to do during flu season.

I bet she's getting the tongue.

BUCK: Just looking.

Next.

Tell you what. Let me go in there first, okay?

I'll cover for you, give you a little more time out here to relax.

- Okay. Mmm. -All right?

Good morning.

I'm Anita Hogarth.

Buck Melanoma, Moley Russell's wart.

Not her wart, not her wart. I'm the wart.

She's my tumor, my growth, my... My pimple.

I'm "Uncle Wart."

Buck "Wart" Russell, that's what they call me.

Or melanoma head. They'll call me that.

"Melanoma head's" coming.

I'm... Uncle, Maizy Russell's uncle.

Her uncle.

Her mother set up this conference with you.

I'm assistant principal here,

as you've probably noticed from the indications on the door.

This door?

- The outer door. Yes. -The outer door.

There's nothing on this one.

That's just about enough of that.

Sorry.

I've been an educator for 31.3 years,

and in that time, I've seen a lot of bad eggs.

I say "eggs" because at the elementary level,

we are not dealing with fully developed individuals.

I see a bad egg when I look at your niece.

She is a twiddler, a dreamer, a silly heart.

She is a jabberbox.

And frankly...

I don't think she takes a thing in her life or her career as a student seriously.

She's only six.

That is not a valid excuse!

I hear that every day and I dismiss it.

I don't think I want to know a six-year-old who isn't a dreamer, or a silly heart.

And I sure don't want to know one who takes their student career seriously.

I don't have a college degree.

I don't even have a job.

TEACHER: Does anyone have a special story about something that happened this week?

Maizy.

My uncle was microwaving my socks,

and the dog threw up on the couch for about an hour.

- Honest? -Yes.

Why was your uncle microwaving your socks?

He can't get the goddamn washing machine to work.

Blasphemer!

BUCK: I know a good kid when I see one.

Because they're all good kids

until dried-out, brain-dead skags like you

drag them down and convince them they're no good.

You so much as scowl at my niece or any other kid in this school

and I hear about it, I'm coming looking for you.

Take this quarter.

Go downtown, and have a rat gnaw that thing off your face.

(GASPS)

Good day to you, madam.

Next.

Ah, yeah!

TERRY: Hi, Chanice. This is Terry.

Walt Bern...

Jesus, would you get with the program? Bernstein is his name.

I forgot to give you the message.

At least somebody knows what they're doing down there.

B U C K: Chanice ? Buck.

I hate these machines.

Look, I'm just calling to say I miss you.

I know you probably don't believe it, but it's true.

No, I haven't been drinking.

I've been thinking a lot about you

and what we've talked about the past few weeks.

I think about you all the time.

I think about those two dimples on your buns.

Dimples.

What did we call them?

The one on the right was Lyndon, and the left was Johnson.

No, that was your boobs we did.

No, your boobs were Minnie and Mickey.

I remember that because of Disney World.

And Felix. Felix is what we called your...

(CAT SCREECHES)

BUCK: God damn kids.

Okay. Come on, you.

Come on, get in the house.

What are you doing out here, making all this noise?

Get in the house where you belong.

Come on! Come on!

Hey!

Who let the cat out?

MILES: We don't have a cat.

Come on! Get out!

Go on! Shoo!

Hey!

(MAIZY LAUGHING)

Open up!

Miles?

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello.

Hi. May I please speak to Buck Russell?

This is a friend of his, Chanice Kobolowski.

I'm sorry, Chanice. He's not here right now.

Well, can you tell me when he's gonna be back?

He went out with Marcie, the lady who lives across the street.

They usually stay out pretty late.

Do you want to leave a message?

No. There's no message.

There's no message.

Hot!

MARCIE: ls there a big, sexy guy in here?

BUCK: Oh, please don't let it be true.

Hi.

Oh, my God! What are you doing?

The laundry. What's it look like?

The washing machine's still broken, so I thought I'd use the microwave.

Nuke them up, you know. Heats them up pretty good, too.

It kills the germs and odors that they cause.

You don't know what you're doing.

You're bored out of your mind.

You need a little adult supervision.

Excuse me?

(SOOTHING MUSIC PLAYING)

Come on.

- Come on. I don't want to dance. -Come on.

I don't feel like... I'm not a dancer. This is ridiculous.

I'm not gonna leave unless you do.

Okay, I'll dance. One dance, though. That's it.

'Cause I really have to take a nap and...

All right. One dance. That's it.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Whoa!

What's this?

Oh! Come on! The dog is watching.

Come on.

- What's that? Dirty Dancing? - Uh-huh.

You got the girl by the neck.

Whoa. Dipped her.

Remember that?

Dips. Dips.

Am I bleeding?

No.

Will you get off? My back!

Hello.

BUCK: Stop it. I mean it.

This is fun though, isn't it?

I guess.

My aerobic workout today.

Heart's beating like a rabbit here.

Oh.

Yeah.

Hi, Chanice.

Surprise!

- This is, um... -Marcie.

Yeah. Marcie, and she lives across the road.

She came over to...

Shut up, Buck.

That's a good idea.

Is this who you were out with last night?

What?

I didn't go out last night.

Hey, look. Honest. Honest. Honest. I'm telling the truth.

You son of a bitch!

Don't say that, okay. Chanice. Don't walk away. Chanice!

Chanice! Hey, come here!

Chanice! Come here, hon.

Chanice, wait a minute! Wait a minute! Let me explain!

Will you let me explain?

You're wrecking the driveway!

Chanice!

Come on!

I love you.

What flew up her nose?

You better go home, okay, Marcie?

Pick up your records. The party's over.

Okay?

So, I'll just go home and wait for the Federal Express man.

MAIZY: Good night, Uncle Buck.

BUCK: Good night, sweetheart.

MAIZY: Good night.

- Uncle Buck? -Yeah?

Got a minute?

I got lots of minutes.

Now that everything's okay with my grandfather,

I want to go out tomorrow night.

You can go crazy after I leave. Until then, I'm not letting you out.

You just can't find any way to be cool, can you?

You mean easy? No.

- I mean decent. -You mean blind.

Who are you trying to score points with, my parents?

How many times have they had you here since we moved?

Try none until they went up shit creek and got stuck.

Get used on your parents' time.

- Hey, Buck! -Yeah.

Have a bad day today?

It hurts when someone screws with your life, doesn't it?

Last call.

There you go. There you go.

A little for you, a little for me.

Boy, people used to say to me,

"Boy, Buck, you are one lucky son of a bitch.

"You got it made, Buck. You got it made."

And I did.

They'd say, "Oh, man, Buck, look at you.

"You don't have any kids, you don't have any wife.

"You don't have a desk, you don't have an office.

"You don't have a boss to worry about."

They were right.

I had it made.

Only thing now is, Perce, nobody says that anymore.

Oh, boy.

But

it'll all be better tomorrow.

Always is.

Because tomorrow, we go to the track,

win some dough, some serious dough.

Yeah.

Make a lot of money tomorrow, kiddo.

You want a little pretzel with your beer?

MILES: U.B. went to school to pick you up, you know.

Tell U.B. when he gets home that he lost, okay?

Lost what?

Just tell him. He'll know what it means.

I'll see you guys Sunday.

- What day is today? -MAIZY: Friday.

- You know what that means. -MAIZY: Jumbo party.

You can put that on a platter and serve it up hot.

(CAR BACKFIRES)

U.B. is home.

BUCK: Tia! Tia!

- You guys seen Tia? -She took a breeze, U.B.

And she promised me she was going to look after you guys this evening.

She promised me.

So much for promises.

Does anyone in this house know how to keep a promise?

I know you two guys do. I know.

I had somewhere important to go to tonight.

This is how I make my living.

This was very important to me.

This was... My whole year was based on tonight.

It may be peanuts to your dad but it's my living.

I have no choice, I don't care what your parents are going to say.

I have to take you with me tonight.

Where?

To a racetrack.

BUCK: Here we go.

You have to go to the bathroom?

- BOTH: Nope. -You sure?

BOTH: Yep.

This is going to be fun, you know.

Beautiful horses, interesting people.

And win some serious coin, right?

Well, sometimes, yeah, but that's not the real reason people go there.

People go because of the beautiful horses and the colorful jockeys.

- Bug picked up Tia? -MAIZY: Mmm-hmm.

And she said she was going to a party.

She said she'd be back Sunday. Must be a slumber party.

Hop in the back. Get your belts on.

Let her go to a party all weekend!

She's old enough to know better.

Hell, she doesn't listen to anybody anyway.

Damn kids.

(PHONE RINGING)

Yeah. Kobolowski Tires.

Hi. It's me.

Buck, can't you ever take a hint?

Chanice, it's not about me. I got a problem at the house.

I need somebody to watch the kids.

No. I'll tell you what you need.

Your horse fixer's in town and you need to get to the track.

I ran into Rog. See, he told me all about it.

The idiot had the nerve to ask me for a loan.

What's the matter?

You can't take children with you when you're gonna cheat on a horserace?

You got some religion out there in the 'burbs?

I came close. I had them in the car.

Can we put personal problems aside for a second?

Tia took off on me.

I was supposed to pick her up after school. She wasn't there.

What do you mean, she ran away?

I guess. I don't know.

She's 15, she's angry, she's confused,

and I need to find her.

Can you help me?

I'm really stuck, Chanice.

All right. All right.

I will help you because there's kids involved in this.

But as far as you and I are concerned, it is over.

However it has to be.

- I'll be there. - Thank you.

For what it's worth, I'm sorry.

- Your car's on fire. -Car's on fire.

No, no, no. lt'sjust a little oil.

I'm looking for a party somewhere around here.

Oh, that's on Totowa Lane.

- My niece is there. -Our son's there.

Kids.

I don't think you ought to go in there with that hat on.

They'll kill you.

- Really? Thanks for the tip. -Yeah.

(GASPS)

I'm supposed to come over and watch you.

Hi!

I'm Chanice Kobolowski. I'm Uncle Buck's friend.

May I see your driver's license, ma'am?

Yeah.

Sure.

Good idea.

Here! I got it!

See? Look.

Look!

Can you please take it out of there?

Take it out?

You Okay?

Come on. What's the matter?

(ALL SCREAM)

Coming through here. How you doing?

Having a good time?

You seen a guy named Bug around here?

I'm Tia Russell's uncle.

You girls know Tia? No? She's kind of new.

I'm her uncle.

You haven't seen that Bug around here, have you?

BOY 11 No. BOY 21 No.

Nice guy-

Hey! Hey! Come back here with that!

How you doing?

Anybody seen Bug around here?

Hey, nice music.

Who's that? The Grass Roots?

I'm kidding. I know my music.

TIA: Stop it, please.

What the hell is that?

Hey, party time! Let's get down here, huh?

You seen Bug around here? You seen Bug?

That's good stuff.

Keep it up. Keep it UP-

Nice work.

Hey, how you doing? Excuse me.

Crowded, huh?

Get down, get down, get down.

TIA: I don't want to do this.

BUG: Just relax.

BUCK: Hello, young fellow. How are you?

I'm Tia Russell's uncle, Buck Russell.

Have you seen the Bug around?

No? I'm looking for him.

You're Tia Russell's uncle? Really?

BUCK: Hey! Give me that!

Take my hat, you punk!

Don't mention it.

All right, POP-

Have you seen a guy named Bug?

Everybody knows Bug. Hip, hip guy.

Let me through here, will you?

Your mother know you do that?

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Hey, this room's taken.

TIA: I want to go. BUG: No, you don't.

(DOOR RATTLING)

That door opens, I'm going to kick somebody's ass!

Do you hear me?

Tia.

You were right.

Everything you said would happen happened.

I don't want to talk about it. I just want to get you home.

Is this a trick?

No.

You know what happened?

Yeah.

Are you going to tell my parents about everything that's been going on?

No.

Thanks.

I've been riding your butt all week about how you live your life.

I realize maybe somebody should have been riding mine.

I'm probably the last guy in the world you'd want to help,

but I really could use your advice, vis-a-vis Chanice.

I've been stringing her along for about eight years now.

Maybe you could figure out what the hell is wrong with me.

I did such a great job earning your trust and admiration,

I'm confused why I can't do the same with Chanice.

You know, there's

one family charity case that loves you very much.

I'm sorry.

Hey, come on.

Nothing to be sorry about.

I'm just kind of glad I got a chance to know you again.

Did you do anything to Bug?

Oh, my God! What did you do?

You shithead! I could have suffocated here!

Um, do you know what I'd like you to do?

Actually, you could be doing both of us a favor.

I'd like you to apologize to the lady, please.

I'm sorry!

I'm sorry!

Okay, asshole?

I'm sorry!

I don't know if I told you this or not, but I'm an amateur dentist.

Oh, yes. He is.

(LAUGHING EVILLY)

I'm sorry.

Get him out of there.

Yeah?

It was halfhearted. We'll let him. Come on, here we go.

I'm really sorry.

I'm sure you are. I'm sure you are.

Let me just get you...

I didn't mean to hurt anybody.

There you go. There you go.

Oh, I'm sorry.

- Shall we? -Yeah.

Yeah? Well, come on back, and I'll kick your ass, man!

Chicken shit! You're dead!

Shit.

I'm gonna sue your balls off, man!

Yeah. Why don't you come and get me, man?

Come on!

Come on, man!

I'm going to sue you and I'm going to sue your whole family!

Okay, pal. Time for a golf lesson.

My dad's a lawyer, man! You're history!

A little 5-wood.

Hey. What?

What? What are you doing, man?

Shit.

You're history, man! You're wasted!

I'm gonna sue you for everything you've got, man!

You're gonna be broke! So come on, come and get me!

You bastard! Aah!

Yes, sir!

You son of a bitch! That hurt!

Hey, hey, hey. I'm not sorry, all right?

I ain't sorry for shit!

What do you see in that guy anyway?

I can't for the life of me figure that one out.

Don't answer. Don't answer. You don't have to.

I appreciate the confession, Tia. Thank you. Thanks a lot.

But my problems with Buck

go a whole lot deeper than a misunderstanding with a neighbor lady.

TIA: Don't you think he loves you?

If he does, he'd never say it.

What if he did?

Then I would suspect he needed a new set of tires.

- TIA: Seriously. -Seriously.

You're very sweet to talk about this,

but I don't think you understand the bigger picture.

See, Buck's a charming man who wants to remain a boy forever.

Boy?

And at my age, that doesn't make for a lasting relationship.

I think he'd make a wonderful husband and father.

- You do? -Oh, yeah.

My sister and brother adore him.

He really has changed since he's been here this week.

He really has changed.

He's responsible

and caring and loving

and enthusiastic...

Energetic.

And energetic and

decent

(MUFFLED COUGH)

and kind

(COUGHING CONTINUES)

and humble

and honest and forthright.

Sense of humor.

And he's really got a great sense of humor.

Did he by any chance put you up to this?

No! Oh, no. Mmm-mmm.

No, I've just gathered this from my own observations.

No?

It's just the way he is.

Really?

Um!

(CLEARING THROAT)

Really?

- Oh, yeah! -So unlike him.

Ow!

Check this out.

Hi, honey!

Is the coffee ready?

A little thirsty.

By the way, I have told you I loved you,

and it wasn't for tires, sweetheart.

It was for shocks, remember?

Oh, are they sweethearts, or what?

This one's smart as a whip.

I'm going to miss them like crazy.

They're beautiful children. What happened to you?

Recessive gene, skips every nine generations.

I got it this time.

- Mmm-hmm. -Tragic.

It isn't so bad, is it?

What?

The house, the family, the kids.

Oh, yeah. No, it's great. This is great.

We should have done this a long time ago,

something like this, you know, you and I.

(BOTH SCREAMING)

They're here!

What are we doing?

Well, your mother, you see, and your sister

have to sort some things out.

They have to sort some things out.

So we're going to be very quiet for them.

So why don't we put a button on it like this

and a zipper, like that, and a lock.

I can't talk at all. I throw the key away.

It's going to be real different.

I promise.

I love you.

Shit!

MAIZY: Bye! MILES: Bye, Uncle Buck!

CHANICE: Well, could I get out the door, please?

- I'm going! -Well, this is heavy.

Bye!

Thanks again, Buck.

Next time you're downtown, maybe we can go out for a coffee.

Okay.

We really had a good time. I know it's kind of ridiculous.

We did leave the house a little messy.

We did try our best. You know, we're not so good at...

- Chanice. -What?

We're going home, we're not dying.

I'm saying goodbye, is that all right?

All right. Nice guy, is he?

Tell the neighbors we're really sorry

about having that thing parked in the driveway all week.

He's getting a new company car on Monday.

BUCK: The hell I am! The beast is good for another 100,000 miles.

CHANICE: Yeah, well, it's too bad that you're not.

BUCK: That's funny, Chanice. That's good.

See what I put up with?

Don't drive fast. I'm not fixing any more tickets for you.

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)

BUCK: Wake up!

(AIR HORN BLOWING)

(BUCK LAUGHING)