Original subtitles

I love sex!

It's just one of the truly great ideas.

I mean, just the fact

that our bodies have this built-in capacity for joy,

oh, just, it makes me love God.

Yes!

Sorry.

What?

It broke.

It broke?

Don't worry.

It broke?

It's okay.

- It broke?!

- Let's just cuddle.

Cuddle?

- Like little bunnies or little babies.

It's so much better.

Safer.

- Than what?

- Than sex.

- That's my latest medical test.

- Mm-hm.

. The results of my blood test from a month ago.

- A month ago?

- Last week.

- Last week?

- This afternoon.

- I'm also gonna need to know the name of your internist,

your most recent X-rays, your passport,

and a list of your previous sexual contacts.

- But isn't that a little extreme?

- Do you want the apartment?

- No!

No, I can't take it.

It's insane.

Enough.

Sex is too sacred to be treated this way.

Sex was never meant to be safe or negotiated or fatal.

So I really did it.

This guy...

I'm in bed with him, and he starts crying.

So he says...

- I'm sorry.

It's just...

This used to be so much fun.

- So, no sex.

Not for me.

Done.

- Excuse me, where's Third Avenue?

- It's right over there.

- Thanks a lot.

- Sure, any time.

Don't mention it.

Welcome.

Welcome.

And you know what?

Oh.

It's gonna be fine.

Because I am a naturally cheerful person

and I will find a substitute for sex.

Sex Light, Sex Helper, I Can't Believe It's Not Sex!

I'll find a great new way to live, and a way to be happy.

So no sex.

No sex!

I'm ready, I'm willing, let's go.

That's the answer.

I'll just pour all my physical needs into working out.

No sex, just sweat.

Can I get a spot?

- You got it.

How much do you want...

On?

- 45s.

- I just joined.

You like it here?

- Yeah, a lot.

Yeah.

- Steve.

- Jeffrey.

Jeff.

- You okay?

- Yeah.

Sure.

Oh.

- So, do you want to...

Do your set?

- Oh, yeah.

Sure.

- Ready?

- Oh, yeah.

- One, two, that's right, three, four.

You love it.

Come on, come on.

Five.

Six.

One more, come on.

Get ready.

I'm with you, don't stop.

Push it, push it, you want it, you need it.

Come on, give me everything, every ounce, every drop.

Pump it, pump it, baby.

Oh, my God, you are too much.

You are the best, you are the most, you are the king.

You're there, you're doing it.

Come to papa.

You're on it.

Go, go, go.

Great set.

- You, too, I mean...

Thanks for the spot.

- Any time.

You look, oof, great!

- Thanks.

- You look terrific.

- Jeffrey

Jeff.

- Yeah?

- What would happen if I kissed you, right now?

- What?

- You want to?

- Uh, I have to...

The water fountain.

Chicken shit!

- I am not, I'm dehydrated, I need carbs.

- Get ready. - No, I need

to work on my abs.

I need a protein shake.

Do you like amino acids? - You bet.

- Oh, man! - Gross!

That's disgusting. - I'm gonna puke.

Aw!

- No.

Oh, Jesus!

Thank you.

- You saw Mother Teresa?

- I swear, she helped me up.

- But how did she look?

- Oh, I don't know.

She was walking.

She looked great.

- Oh, please, she's had work done.

Can I do this?

Or do I look like some sort of gay superhero?

- Sterling, I think I'm giving up sex.

- You are?

- Why?

- Well, I just think it's time.

I mean, I love sex so much,

but everything has gotten too scary.

It's too overwhelming.

- My dear, what you need is a relationship.

- A relationship?

- Hm, and shoes.

. If you had a boyfriend, then you'd relax.

You'd set the rules once, then everything will be fine.

That's what Darius and I did, and we've been together now

for almost two years.

- Yes, but Darius is a dancer.

He's in Cats.

- Oh, my!

- Exactly.

I said you needed a boyfriend, not a person.

I mean, I really do love Darius.

I love his body.

I love his smile.

He has great hands and feet.

I mean, on some dancers, the toes are all smashed,

and I would just simply say:

"Sorry, Misha, not without socks."

Oh, and Darius loves me.

Lord knows why.

- And how is Darius?

Is he back in the show?

- Of course, he's fine.

It's just a reaction to the AZT.

They adjusted the dose.

He's great!

- Of course.

- You think I don't know how I sound.

Of course I know.

But I have made a decision.

I've always been lucky, all my life.

Well, obviously.

And I intend to stay lucky.

N'est-ce pas?

- And you still have sex?

- Of course.

Safe sex, the best.

Two cappuccinos.

Thank you, darling, big kiss.

The earring, fun.

Last year.

I mean, Jeffrey, it's just sex.

- Just sex?

- Hi, I'm Skip Winkley, and welcome to It's Just Sex.

The show where we explore human sexuality

and win big prizes.

And what a great group of contestants we have today.

- Three gay men.

- Hi, Skip.

- Hey, Skip.

- Bisexual.

- Oh, me too.

- Now it's time to play It's Just Sex.

Remember, each question may have more

than one correct answer.

The most stylish reply wins.

Thank you, Cheryl.

Isn't she lovely?

Look who I'm asking.

Question number one.

What seemingly harmless events can now be fatal

if they occur during sex?

- A paper cut.

- Recent dental work.

- Fluorescent lighting.

- Correct, for 100 points!

Question number two.

Who is your favorite sexual fantasy?

- Denzel Washington.

- That guy at the gym.

- Yoko Ono.

To see the apartment.

- Correct again, for 100 points!

And now, our bonus round, where everything can change.

For 500 points.

Let's say there's a fellow who just loves having sex

more than anything.

What will happen to him

if he just flat out, dag-nabbit, stops?

- Oh, my.

- Ooh.

- Skip, my answer is this:

if the fellow stops having sex

he will pour himself into his career

and all that rechanneled energy

will create incredible career karma

and he'll be a huge success, and fantastically happy.

- Absolutely right!

Oh, my God!

- Hold it.

Hold it, the judges have a question.

Nothing really, just a minor technicality.

It is true that a soaring career will compensate for no sex,

but what exactly is your career?

- Well, I'm an actor...

Waiter.

- Which means...

- I win!

- Okay, so I'm an unemployed actor.

But I'm talented.

I think I am.

Last week, I read for a part on a TV show.

- Read page 33.

The show is Manhattan Precinct.

The role is Police Officer number two.

Now, remember, there are no small parts.

Ah!

Actually, there are.

All right, you've just burst in

on the evil ghetto drug lord.

- Okay.

- You can go out and come in.

Go.

Action!

- Hold it right there, Diego.

Freeze.

- You're a hero.

You mean business. - Yeah.

- Go again.

- Okay.

Action!

- Hold it right there, Diego.

Freeze!

- You loathe him.

You scorn him.

Make me feel it.

It's more.

Yeah.

- It's prime time!

Action!

- Huh!

Hold it right there, Diego!

Freeze!

Hold it right there, Diego.

Freeze!

Hold it right there, Diego!

God, I just hate you!

- Perhaps you'd like to read for our gay role.

Lance.

The neighbor.

- Which is why I am a waiter,

a cater-waiter to be exact.

I work at parties.

It's a lot of fun, actually, because I get to go everywhere.

Private homes, tents in Central Park, hotels.

It's like gay National Guard.

Jeffrey!

- For anyone at all, you've ignored me, but I don't mind,

because I've tried on your fur.

- Good evening, everyone.

I'm Ann Marwood-Bartle.

And I'd like to welcome you all to country-western night

here at the Essex House, a hoedown for AIDS.

The red ribbon I wear stands for AIDS awareness.

The lavender ribbon is in memory of those who have died.

The pink ribbon is for breast cancer.

And the...

Oh, the diamond spray is a gift of my first husband.

Come on, everybody, chow down.

Oh, look at me, I'm a cowperson.

- Hey, I need an Absolut and tonic, and two spritzers.

Wow.

- Boy, I was hoping I'd run into you.

I wanted to apologize about the other day at the gym.

I came on a little strong.

- Oh, no, no, no, no, you were great.

I'm sorry I took off, I was acting weird.

I'm an actor.

- I thought so.

Have I seen you in something?

- Well, did you see Manhattan Precinct two weeks ago?

End of the show, the gay neighbor?

- Hold it right there, Diego.

Freeze!

- Oh, my God!

Shoot him!

- You were great!

- Hao.

- Why?

- So, what do you really do?

- Actually, really? - Hm.

- I'm a bartender. - Oh.

. I sort of acted and I sort of wrote, but mostly, I...

- You what?

- Watch you.

- You do?

He does.

- Spritzers, table 15.

Roundup!

- Nice work, Little Feather.

Bitch.

- Squaw.

- Now, is everyone ready to kick up their heels

and rustle their petticoats for a new outpatient lounge?!

Yeah!

- Cowhands, cowgirls, I give you a very special treat.

They've been practicing for weeks.

Let's give a big whoop-dee-i-aye to Dr. Sidney Greenblatt

and his Mount Sinai Ramblers!

♪ Swing your partner, round you go ♪

♪ Allemande left and do-si-do ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

- Do you have a lover?

- No.

- Are you seeing someone? - No.

- Do I care?

- You are unbelievable.

- Find out.

Don't you love this part?

- What part?

. When you can't find out enough about the other person.

When it's all interesting, when it all seems sexy.

First steps. - Oh, you move fast.

. Catch up, because if I don't touch you very soon,

I may explode.

- Until about a minute ago, I had a very good reason not

to go out with you.

- Which was?

Oh, wait, let me guess,

is it because I'm a cowboy and you're a waiter?

- We're a proud people. - Yeah, what a shame.

- You know, in a better world,

I could ask you to square dance.

- Really?

Want to square dance?

- Bow to your partners, step once more!

Cater-waiters, take the floor!

- Wow!

No!

- Uh, uh, uh, uh, you can't do that.

This is my fantasy.

- We're not allowed to have fantasies, not anymore.

- Come on, one more do-si-do.

- I can't, I can't explain it, it's not you, it's...

Yes, it is you.

- What?

- I have to go.

- Hi, I'm Sharon, and I'm a sexual compulsive.

Hi, Sharon.

- Oh, that felt good.

I feel like...

I'm on my way.

Admitting I have a problem is the first step to healing.

For the first time in my life,

I feel like I don't need a man to define myself.

Hi, there.

- So, he was really cute, this bartender.

- Oh, he was fantastic.

- Why aren't you seeing him?

- Oh, I don't know.

I'm going nuts.

. Jeffrey, you're beginning to have a problem.

Endive?

- Hi, guys. - Hello, sweetheart.

- Oh, what a day.

I am exhausted.

- Darius, aren't you supposed to leave your costume

at the theater?

- We're filming the commercial, the new one.

It ran late, I got stuck.

So you're not having sex anymore.

- What Jeffrey needs is to fall in love

and have a relationship.

Then all this sex thing will simply fall into place.

- Exactly.

I mean, look at us.

Look at how happy we are.

Don't we make you wanna fall in love?

- Sometimes, I think we should be on a brochure

for Middle America.

Then everyone can say, "Oh, look, a wholesome gay couple."

Oh, excuse me.

You two are not wholesome.

You're a decorator.

Excuse me, an interior designer, and he's a dancer.

You two are like Martha Stewart and Ann Miller,

which, believe me, I prefer.

I just hate that gay role models are supposed

to be just like straight people.

As if even straight people are like that.

- That is so true.

I was watching these two guys on Nightline

on Gay Pride Day, and one of them said,

"Hi, I'm Bob Wheeler and I'm an attorney,

"and my lover, he's a surgeon.

"And we would like to show America"

"that all gays are not limp-wristed, screaming queens."

"There are gay truck drivers"

"and gay cops and gay lumberjacks."

And I just thought, "Ooh, get her!"

- Who's Martha Stewart?

- She writes picture books about gracious living.

Martha says that nothing else matters

if you can do a nice, dried floral arrangement.

I worship her.

- And, uh, who's Ann Miller?

- Leave this house.

- Some people think I'm dumb just because I'm a chorus boy

with an eighth-grade education.

Well, I live in a townhouse and I don't pay rent.

I mean, I go to screenings and I take cabs.

Dumb, huh?

And, yes, I'm in Cats.

Now and forever.

And I love it.

I do.

I figure I was too young for A Chorus Line

and too happy for Les Mis.

I never got that show.

Les Mis.

I mean, it's about this French guy, right?

Who steals a loaf of bread and then he suffers

for the rest of his life for toast.

Get over it.

- Why are there four place settings?

- What a surprise. - Oh, my.

- Sterling.

- I met Stephen at the show house-opening.

I think you're perfect for each other.

- Me, too.

- Hi, there.

- Steve's a bartender, so you have something in common.

You can fall in love and cater together.

You'll be just like Roots.

Jeffrey.

Jeff.

. Jeffrey, you are being ridiculous.

Look at this man.

- He's a dreamboat! - Which one?

- Me.

- Heaven.

- This sex thing has got completely out of hand.

- He's not having sex anymore.

- He's not having sex, what's the problem?

- You mean, no nasty?

- Wait, he's turning down a date?

I hate him.

- Jeffrey!

Jeffrey!

Listen to reason.

Jeffrey!

. Steve, from the first second I saw you at the gym,

I've thought of nothing and no one else.

I have fantasized about you, naked,

about you kissing me, talking to me,

walking down the street with me,

letting you do things to me that I have only permitted

with 5,000 other men.

I think you could change my life,

and change the world.

I think it's completely and totally possible

that we could be the happiest people alive

except I'm not having sex anymore, so...

Sorry.

. Jeffrey, wait. - No.

- Jeffrey.

Jeffrey, calm down.

Jeffrey.

Calm down.

Now, I want to see you.

And we can take this as slow as you like.

First step, how about tomorrow night?

- I'm working till 10:00.

- Afterwards.

- We'll have dinner.

- You'll have fun.

- You'll have appetizers.

- I don't know. - We're your friends.

- You must obey us.

- You have no choice, Jeffrey.

- Well... - Come on.

You're gay, you're single. - It isn't pretty.

- God.

Yes.

- Yes!

- Jeffrey, I am so proud of you.

You're dating again.

- Jeffrey?

- Yes?

- I just, uh...

Just so there's no surprises.

- Sure.

- I'm HIV positive.

- Uh...

Okay, right.

- Does that make a difference?

- No.

Of course not.

Oh, please.

- HIV-positive men are the hottest.

- I mean, I'd understand.

I'd be hurt and I'd be disappointed, but I just...

I wanted to be clear.

- No, really, it's fine.

I mean, come on, it's the 90s, right?

Dinner at 10:00.

I can't wait.

- Do you feel lost?

- I do.

- So you come to me and you say, "Debra",

"what can I do to feel better about myself in the world?"

And you know what I say?

Love, it's real, it works!

Go for it!

Now, I'm not here as a priest or a guru

or any sort of religious leader.

I'm just someone who likes to talk.

And I have people coming to me and saying,

"Debra, I'm in love with an alcoholic, what should I do?"

And I say, "Don't look to me for answers, look to yourself."

Find that source of unconditional love.

Find that all-encompassing, ultimate love.

Surrender to that unending, infinite love

that will let you say, "Hey, fuck you!"

"Get out of my house till you stop drinking!"

Any questions?

With the bad perm.

- Oh, my God!

Oh, God!

Oh, my God!

I'm coming.

Oh, my God!

Oh, Debra.

Oh, God, Debra.

Oh, first, I just wanted to give you these

little baby booties that I crocheted for your baby.

I know you discourage gifts, except for donations,

but I just had to.

- Well, thank you.

Now, what's up?

- Well, uh, I just broke up with my boyfriend.

- Well, we've all been there, haven't we?

Yeah.

- With my boyfriend?

- Spill, baby.

- Um, Josh and I lived together for...

I'm sorry, it's just hard.

- It's okay.

. For about four years, and then he lost his job.

And then we just started really arguing all the time.

And then he tried to hit me with the car.

My car.

- Whoa!

Man!

- I still love him.

- Okay.

Okay, okay, let me cook on this.

It sounds to me like you've got a problem

with everybody's favorite.

Low self-esteem!

- Of course, I don't know you.

Maybe you should have low self-esteem.

- I just really want a relationship.

- You want a relationship!

Because you're afraid.

- Right.

- It all goes back to mother, doesn't it?

Did you love your mother?

Yeah.

Yeah, I guess.

- Don't lie to me. - Okay.

- I'll call her.

- What?

- Did she withhold? - Well...

- Was there abuse?

- No, I don't think...

- Dig deep.

. Yes, definitely, yes, yes, there was, yes.

- Go see her. - Okay.

- Tell her, Mom... - Mom...

- You were chilly. - You were chilly.

. You forgot my birthday. - How dare you?

- You beat me

with a baseball bat. - A bat.

- But I understand. - I understand.

. I forgive. - Forgive.

- I love you. - I love you.

- And, Mom... - Mom...

- Now you're old. - Oh, God.

- You've got a plastic hip and I've got the bat!

- Right.

- Next!

Yes!

I love you. - Yes!

Yes.

The homosexual.

- I can walk.

- You could always walk. - Shut up.

Hey, there.

Hit me.

- Um...

Debra, uh...

I think that sex is just about the best thing ever.

But I've met someone, and he's HIV positive.

And I am about to self-destruct.

Now, I am a waiter.

So I can't afford your cassettes,

or the mug, or the calendar.

Do they mention this problem?

- They sure do.

It's in my book.

Chapter 10.

Cheap waiters.

No, no, no, no, no, look, look.

What you're talking about is evil, am I right?

- Um...

- Why is there disease?

Why was there a Hitler?

Why are these acrylic?

Here's the lowdown on evil.

It is the absence of love.

Ta-da!

That's it.

Case closed.

Where you don't have love, illness makes a home.

- Wait, I'm sorry.

Are you saying that people get sick

because they don't love enough

or because people don't love them, or...

- It may sound simplistic.

It may sound cruel.

It may sound like I'm blaming people for their illness.

And maybe I am.

That's Debra!

- Hi, my name is Tim and I am a sexual compulsive.

Hi, Tim.

- Hi.

Today I have already performed oral sex

on three different people.

I can't help myself.

I'm an agent!

Steve, hi, it's Jeffrey,

and I'm working later than I thought.

Private party, you know.

So can we reschedule?

Next week, maybe?

I, um, I...

I can't wait.

I'll call you.

Take care.

♪ I don't know what to do without you ♪

♪ I tried so hard to ignore this pain ♪

♪ Cos I don't want my love to be in vain ♪

♪ Such a simple thing to avoid me now ♪

♪ You walked in my life and I can't let you out ♪

♪ From this day on I will never forget ♪

♪ All this time, like the first night we spent ♪

♪ I don't know what to do without you ♪

- What am I so afraid of?

Him getting sick?

Me getting sick?

Why is the idea of a simple dinner now like an evening

of Russian roulette?

I couldn't stay home and be alone with myself,

so I hit the streets.

Jeffrey!

What are you?

- We're the Pink Panthers.

We're part of a patrol to prevent gay bashing.

It was Darius's idea to join up.

- I wanted to do something.

- Something with a T-shirt.

Don't you just love it?

- Oh, look, the Gay Pride statues.

Come on.

- Color.

Think about it.

- Stop it.

You're not fat.

So, Jeffrey, how was your date?

Where's Steve?

- He, uh...

I had to cancel.

I just got off work.

- Did you call him?

. Of course, I left a message on his machine.

- Left a message.

Would you call him again?

- Pink Panthers.

Hello, darling.

- Is someone in trouble?

- Really?

No!

Oh, no!

- What, what?

- We must get over to Washington Square, right away.

It's Todd, that huge bodybuilder from the gym.

- No, not Todd.

- In shorts. - Oh!

- Call him. - He's a doll.

Taxi.

- Hi, my name is Dave, and I am sexually compulsive.

Hi, Dave.

- I, uh...

I love sex.

Love it.

Maybe it's because I have a constant erection.

I mean, like, 24 hours a day,

or because my penis is 14 inches long.

Ooh!

Hi, Dave.

♪ Someday, I know, he'll smile hello ♪

♪ A warm welcome will be ♪

♪ I'm looking for someone ♪

- Oh, wow!

Did you get my?

- Yeah, yeah.

I got your message. - Good.

- A party.

Poor guy.

Look, I was so revved up, I was out dancing.

- Great.

Great, because, you know, I had to...

You know. - I know.

- No, really, I...

- Jeffrey.

It's not the first time this has happened to me.

You freaked.

Cold feet. - That is not true!

That is not true.

- Goodbye, Jeffrey.

- Steve.

♪ I'm looking for someone ♪

- Steve.

♪ Someone who's looking ♪

- Please.

Please, Steve, come on, please, I'm so...

I'm sorry.

- You know, I can understand about the HIV thing.

It's not easy.

But I don't like lying about it.

Not anymore.

- I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry, you're sorry, it's the new national anthem!

Look, you said before that you thought about me,

that you fantasized.

- I know.

- Do you still?

- Yeah.

- You know, there's a lot of things we could do.

- Yeah?

- Safe things.

Hot things.

- I know.

- But?

You know, I can take being sick.

I can fucking take dying, but I can't take this.

- All, right, you should have told me.

I did.

. Well, sooner, before things happened.

. Oh, before I kissed you?! - Yeah, yeah!

- Oh!

Okay.

Oh, you didn't have all the information.

Okay.

I've been positive for almost five years.

I was sick once.

My T cells are decent.

And every once in a while, like 50 times a day,

an hour, I get very tired of being a person with AIDS,

a red ribbon.

So sometimes I forget.

Sometimes I choose to forget.

Sometimes I choose just to be a gay man with a dick.

Can you understand?

At all?

- Yeah.

- Can I forget again?

- No.

- I want you, Jeffrey.

I very well may even love you.

That means nothing?

That should beat anything.

That should win.

- I know.

- So how come you get to be the one with the problem?

Why do I get to be both sick and begging?

Why won't you kiss me?

- Sorry.

Oh.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry I said I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that you're sick

and I am sorry that I lied.

And I'm sorry that life is suddenly...

Radioactive.

- Apology accepted.

- Steve.

Oh, Steve.

Oh, I hate sex, and I hate love,

and I hate the world for giving me everything

and then taking it all back!

♪ They say ♪

♪ The eagle tends to fly ♪

♪ So stay till morning ♪

♪ And fly by me ♪

- Hey.

I said, "hey."

- Hey.

You a gay man?

You a faggot, hm?

- Yeah.

- You're queer?

- All right, let's not do this, okay, please?

Suck my dick.

- You really want me to do that?

- Yeah.

No!

- Fuck you, man!

You think you're so special?

You go to the gym, you got nice friends.

You think you're so hot?

- You think you're better than us?!

- I'm a waiter. - Ooh, a waiter!

Like at a restaurant?

. Sort of, yeah. - They let you touch food,

put your little faggotty fingers on it, huh?

- That's right, that's right, I touch it all the time.

I spit in it.

- Oh, Jesus!

What restaurant?

- Pizza House.

- Oh, damn, man! - Fuck off!

Dust his ass.

- Fine, fine.

You have weapons?

So do I.

- Well, I got a knife.

What do you got, huh?

Uh?

- Irony.

Adjectives.

Eyebrows.

Fuck you!

Hey, what's going on down there?

- He's got cash. - What else he got?

Come on!

He's biting my leg, I'm gonna get AIDS.

Come on!

- Terry.

You know, when that asshole started kicking me,

I had this horrible, stupid thought, just a flash.

I thought, "At least it's physical contact."

Hey, I just found my substitute for sex.

A substitute for everything.

Bruises.

Answering machines.

Fear.

♪ Holding hands at midnight ♪

♪ 'Neath a starry sky ♪

♪ It's nice work ♪

♪ If you can get it ♪

♪ And you can get it if you try ♪

♪ Lovin' one who loves you ♪

♪ And then taking that vow ♪

♪ It's nice work ♪

♪ If you can get it ♪

♪ And if you get it ♪

♪ Won't you tell me how? ♪

. Can you tell if you're having a nervous breakdown?

- Hello?

Well, howdy, stranger.

It's Jeff!

- I love them.

- Well, isn't this a special occasion?

- What if I could really talk to them?

And what if they had some answers?

Or would that just be too weird?

Dad, I've stopped having sex.

- Eileen, Jeff's stopped having sex.

- Oh, I've got it up here, dear.

No sex?

You mean just safe sex, don't you, dear?

- No, Mom, I hate safe sex.

- Wrestling those condoms.

- Water-based lubricant.

- Dry kissing.

- Sweetheart, are you a top or a bottom?

- Mother.

- Have you tried any of those workshops?

- Oh, what about a jerk-off club?

- How about phone sex?

- What?

- Oh, Fred, let's help him out.

Sweetheart, what are you wearing?

- Sweats and a T-shirt.

- Oh, that's hot.

- That's very hot.

- Are you alone?

- Dad, I'm not gonna have phone sex with you and Mom.

- Darling, have you looked at any videos?

- Hardcore?

Have you explored masturbation?

- As if we have to ask.

Sometimes, I never could get into that bathroom.

. We like that new Jeff Stryker film, Power Tool ll.

- Oh, dear, do you like it when they shave their assholes?

- Huh.

- Shave their what?

- Oh, and what about this person, Steve?

He seems real nice.

- Dad, Steve is HIV positive. - Oh, and a dreamboat.

Check the basket. - Uh.

Oh, my God!

Hi, my name is Jeffrey and I'm just like you.

Jeffrey!

- I'm a sexual compulsive.

But I haven't had sex in almost six months.

I never even think about having sex.

Not anymore.

But I used to be compulsive.

And all because of Billy Kierney.

I blame him.

That's where it started.

He kept daring me.

"I dare you to take off your clothes, even your underpants."

"I dare you to kiss me on the mouth."

Oh, God.

Two naked 14-year-old boys

in front of the big mirror in my parents' bedroom,

I'm having sex!

And I'm watching myself have sex.

"Please don't do that."

"Please don't stop."

Stop.

I'm working a memorial.

Another one.

- Thank you.

- Ooh.

It's for a curator at the Met.

The speakers were great.

His straight brother.

His doctor.

Oh, his gorgeous Italian boyfriend.

Oh, my God.

Oh, I'm so disgusting.

You know what I'm doing?

I'm cruising a memorial.

- Oh, please, everybody is.

It's not that we're not sad,

it's just that there are all these guys here.

- Who's that over there, talking to Darius?

- Oh, it's Todd Malcolm.

- What?

- You know, the guy from the gym.

- Oh, my God, he's blind, isn't he?

- It's just a side effect, they say.

Jeffrey.

Jeffrey!

Jeffrey, what are you doing?

. When I first came to this city, Todd Malcolm was a god.

I used to watch him and his lover dancing.

People, people would gasp.

- Oh, stop it.

- Hi, guys.

Did you see Todd?

Of course.

- He looks better.

- Darius, Todd is dying!

I'm sorry.

- What's going on here?

This is about Todd, right?

Do you know what we were talking about?

This memorial.

Cannoli, frozen.

The drinks are watered and I hated that music.

And at my memorial, I want Liza.

- You are not having a memorial.

- Okay, in a million years.

- You are not going to get sick.

I thought I made that clear.

- But I was sick.

I had pneumonia.

And it went away.

But I want the Winter Garden.

I do.

I want all the other cats to come out

and to sing Darius to the tune of Memory.

"Darius, we all thought you were fabulous."

- Your service will run for years.

What?

- This is a memorial.

We're making remarks.

We're dishing it.

- Oh, please.

Picture mine.

And remember, Jeffrey, I want an open coffin.

They can say it to my face.

Good idea.

- Well, I like it.

I mean, cute guys, and Liza, and dish.

It's not a cure for AIDS, Jeffrey,

but it's the opposite of AIDS.

Right?

. Friends, family, loved ones, colleagues...

- They're praying.

We gather now...

Oh, come on.

Honor and celebrate a wonderful life of a man

and great good friend...

- Oh, my God.

Wasn't that marvelous?

Oh, please, it's still ballet.

- It is The Nutcracker.

It's my favorite.

When I was a kid I used to be so afraid

of the big dancing mice.

Now I'm a cat.

- His therapist is ecstatic.

Sweetie?

- I'm fine.

I just, I...

I don't know.

I'm just a little dizzy.

- Oh, my God!

Please, everyone, please, stand back.

- Put this under his head.

Will somebody please get an ambulance?

. No, I'm fine. - Don't talk.

You are going to be fine.

- Excuse me, I'm the house manager.

Is there a problem?

- Mommy. - It's all right, sweetheart.

- Now, lie still.

Thank you, thank you everyone.

- I'm just dehydrated.

You're dehydrated?

- It's from the Itraconazole.

- What's an itraconazole?

- It's a medicine, sweetheart.

My cousin's on it.

- Is it like Prozac?

Here, put this on his forehead.

- I'm fine.

I'm just...

I'm okay.

Really, I'm okay.

- Maybe you shouldn't move him.

- We have a cot.

- I'm fine.

Thank you.

- We'll get this back to you.

- I'm fine.

Look, I'm walking.

Darius!

- Excuse me?

- Come on.

This way.

In here.

- Where are we? - Oh, a storeroom.

Old hymnals that need to be rebound.

- Hey!

- What, what's wrong?

Is it the collar?

Is that a turnoff?

- Wait, wait, no!

What's going on here?

Why did you bring me in here?

- I'm attracted to you.

The door's locked.

- Wait!

You really a priest?

- Of course!

- But aren't you supposed to be straight and celibate?

- Maybe you didn't hear me.

I'm a Catholic priest.

Historically, that falls somewhere

in between chorus boy and florist.

Come here, you big lug.

- Get away from me!

Don't touch me.

- I'm sorry.

Hands off.

Wait, what is with you?

- One of my best friends, he's sick.

And he fell, but he's home now, but, I just can't...

I've been walking around for 48 hours.

And I just keep asking myself, "What if it was Steve?"

And what, how can I love somebody and watch that happen?

- Steve?

- Why did He do this?

Huh?

You're a priest.

You have to tell me, why did He do this?

Why did God make the world this way?

Why do I have to live in it?

Don't hit me.

- Then you tell me! - Okay.

Okay.

All I wanted was a quickie.

If I show you the true face of God,

if I tell you, will you listen?

- Of course.

- Really listen?!

- Yes.

- Okay.

Here's how you see God.

He's a Columbia recording artist.

You got your idea of God where most gay kids get it?

My Fair Lady, original cast.

See?

George Bernard Shaw up in the clouds

manipulating Rex Harrison and Julie Andrews on strings.

It was your parents' album, you were little,

you thought it was a picture of God.

- Yeah.

- You were almost there, because God is on this record.

Lerner and Loewe.

♪ Why can't the English? ♪

♪ Wouldn't it be lovely? ♪

I'm telling you, the only times

I really feel the presence of God are when I'm having sex

and during a great Broadway musical.

Come on.

Number two.

Hi.

Look.

Huh.

Hello, gorgeous.

- Okla-homa.

Okla-homa. - Oh, you're nuts.

- Oh, excuse me?

Those people out there, they're worshiping resurrections,

virgin births, Ben-Hur, and I'm nuts?

- I'm not, I'm talking about a plague.

I'm talking about...

I don't know, evil. - Yes, Satan.

Well, that's another story.

I've seen him.

- What?

Disease, hospitals, fear?

- Phantom, Miss Saigon, Sunset Boulevard.

- Got to go.

- Why?

Because I haven't told you the secret of life in five words

or less, you're getting antsy?

- I need to know.

- Okay, okay.

Oh, God.

I am so horny.

Do you know what it's like in here?

"Father, I abused myself eight times last week."

"Father, I'm attracted to my brother-in-law."

"Father, I'm having impure thoughts about my soccer coach."

Where are the Polaroids?

What am I, a mind reader?

"Say six Hail Marys and bring me your shorts!"

Okay, okay.

I'm sorry.

Secret of life.

Darling, have you ever been to a picnic

and someone blows up a balloon?

And everyone starts tossing it around

and it's always just about to touch the ground.

But someone always gets there just in time

to tap it back up.

That balloon, that's God.

The very best in all of us.

The kindness, the heavy petting.

Funny Girl.

- What about the bad stuff?

When the balloon hits the ground, when it bursts?

- Who cares?

Evil bores me, it's one note, it doesn't sing!

Of course life sucks.

It always will, so why not make the most of it?

How dare you not lunge for any shred of happiness?

- But Steve, who's sick, who I'm afraid to touch?

- So maybe you need a rubber, or a surgical mask,

or a roll of plastic wrap.

- How dare you give up sex when there are children in Europe

who can't get a date?

- The only real blasphemy is the refusal of joy,

of a corsage, and a kiss.

- Amen.

♪ I had a dream ♪

♪ A dream about you, baby ♪

♪ It's gonna come true ♪

♪ 'Cause, baby ♪

♪ You'll be swell ♪

♪ You'll be great ♪

♪ Come on, ladies, you know the words ♪

♪ Gonna have the whole world on a plate ♪

♪ Starting here ♪

♪ Starting now ♪

♪ Honey, everything's coming up roses ♪

Yeah!

♪ Ta-da, ta-da, ta-da ♪

♪ The air is sizzlin' as we walk through the crowd ♪

♪ My heart is pumping, never deep down touch the ground ♪

♪ No, no ♪

♪ There's no resisting the men among the crowd ♪

♪ Oh, let the celebrating begin ♪

♪ Living it up ♪

♪ We're living it up because we got to be proud ♪

♪ And we're gonna say it out loud ♪

♪ Oh, let the celebrating begin ♪

♪ Living it up ♪

♪ The men among the crowd ♪

♪ Let the celebrating begin ♪

♪ Oh, let the celebrating begin ♪

♪ Living it up ♪

♪ Oh, we're living it up ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got to be proud ♪

♪ And we're gonna say it out loud ♪

- Okay, everybody, listen up.

The parade is about to begin.

The first unit will be as follows:

Dykes On Bikes.

Concerned Pan-Asian Bisexuals.

Black Gay Republicans.

Hello?

- Excuse me.

Excuse me, are you with the parade?

I'm lost.

What group are you with?

- Ma, did you find out?

We're marching together.

. I'm so proud of my preoperative transsexual lesbian son.

- Steve.

- Jeffrey.

Hey.

What group you're marching with?

- Excuse me, could you take our picture

with this nice young man?

This is our first parade.

Parents of transsexuals.

- Preoperative transsexual lesbians.

- At first, I was confused as anyone.

More confused.

When Anthony first came to.. - Angelique, Ma.

- Oh, you were still Tony at the time.

He comes to me, and he says, "Ma, I wanna be a woman."

"I always felt like one."

I said, "What are you, gay?"

He said, "No, I'm not gay, I'm a lesbian."

Exactly.

. My first thought was, when I was pregnant with you,

what did I do?

Did I tilt-a-whirl?

Did I bungee jump?

- Bound For Glory?

- Oh, uh, the fountain.

- Stop it.

- But you didn't judge.

- Oh, listen, alone, late at night, I judged plenty.

I judged you, I judged me.

I said to myself, I said:

"I don't understand this."

"What does he need?"

You know what made me feel good?

What?

- Summer Olympics.

I was watching them on TV, feeling sorry for myself.

They kept showing these parents of these girls in the pool.

- Synchronized swimmers. - Exactly.

And the parents, they kept crying and waving flags.

And I said to myself,

"Hey, if they can feel proud of their kids

"just because they can stand on their head in the deep end,

"I can feel proud of mine." - Aw.

- Hey.

. One more, one more. - No, come on, Ma, this...

- You think we're gonna need sunscreen?

Over there, they.

- Thank you.

- All right. - Good boy, good boy.

- Jeffrey.

Wow, long time no see.

You look great.

- Thanks.

You, too.

- Has anyone seen Darius?

I lost him somewhere near those S&M people.

I swear I saw this terrifying man wearing a dog collar,

harness and jackboots, snarling at me.

And I look closer, and it was my upholsterer.

Oh, my God.

- Should I get my nipples pierced?

- What?

- I just saw this big guy, totally naked except

for a jockstrap and two gold rings, right here and here.

- For guest towels.

- What group are you guys with?

- Gay Men Who Need A Cigarette.

- Interior Designers Fight AIDS.

- Care With Flair.

- Hey. - Oh.

- The Sheep Meadow.

- Come along, Jeffrey, you can help.

- Uh, no, I'll catch up.

- Oh!

Come on.

I got it, Steve.

- Oh, thanks.

Hey, I know, we'll put you on the best float

with the porn stars.

- No, no, no.

Actually, I'm not marching.

- What?

- Yeah, I was just taking a shortcut through the park.

I kind of forgot it was Gay Pride Day.

- Wee!

Well, I hope this not-marching thing

doesn't have anything to do with me.

Because I know I gave you a pretty hard time.

No, you didn't.

- I tried.

Seriously, it's good to see you.

And I'm not hitting on you.

- And why not, hm?

- Jeffrey.

- Oh.

I gotta go.

I gotta meet somebody.

Pardon me?

- Yeah, uh...

My sublet, I hope.

- Your sublet?

Are you moving?

Where?

. I shouldn't have said anything.

- No, come on.

- Back to Wisconsin.

Bye.

Wisconsin?

- Yeah, but not for a month.

Really, I gotta go. - Whoa, whoa, wait a minute.

- Oh, Steve, it's a good idea, really it is,

because there's no car alarms, there's no potholes.

- No parades?

- No parades, no. - What about Sterling?

What about Darius?

Steve Howard to Flatbed 3.

Steve Howard.

- What are you gonna do in Wisconsin?

- Uh, live.

Breathe, hide...

Until it's all over.

- Till what's all over, Jeffrey?

AIDS?

Or your life?

- Either.

- Boy, good to have known you, hm.

It was a growth experience.

. Come on, maybe I'll come back, who knows?

Someday.

- You know, that's the difference between you and me,

Someday.

A real luxury item.

Steve!

Hey.

- There you are.

- Hey.

Uh...

Sean, this is Jeffrey.

- Really?

At last.

I've heard way too much about you.

- Uh, are you two guys, um...

- Yeah.

Yeah.

Two months, now.

- We met on the parade committee.

Five, four, three.

- Hey, come here, come here, come here.

. Good afternoon, this is Chuck Farting here

at Manhattan's, some would say, notorious Gay Pride march.

Homosexuals have made great strides in recent years

and I am surrounded by them.

Are you homosexuals?

- Yes, Chuck, we are.

- Chuck!

Hi.

I love your show.

You are so cute.

Hi.

Hi, we're here, we're queer and we're on TV!

- No, no, it is working, really.

- And here's a regular fellow.

your son, your brother,

the guy next door.

Your name?

- Jeffrey.

- And how are you celebrating Gay Pride Day?

- I'm running.

- Provocative. - Chuck!

- Chuck! - Chuck!

- Well, it seems we have a mother-and-daughter team here,

is that right? - That's right.

- Don't ask.

- And what are you ladies going to do to celebrate this Gay Pride occasion?

Something very special?

- You bet, Chuck.

We're gonna ride on a flatbed truck

for the whole world to see.

Yeah, yeah.

- Because we are proud of who and what we are.

Yeah.

- And after the parade?

- Angelique is going to remove her penis.

- It's coming right off.

Yeah!

- Hey, how is he?

- No change.

- Can I see him?

- No.

He's uh...

He wouldn't know who you are, or talk.

It's a coma.

- Do you need anything?

- No, I'm fine.

Where were you?

- Working.

My last job, the Hilton, a whimper.

Is his mom in there?

- No, she's back at our place, getting some rest.

He doesn't recognize anyone.

- Well, you never know.

- No, he doesn't, he's dead.

- What?

- Half an hour ago.

That's the first time that I've said it out loud.

A brain hemorrhage.

That's why it was so fast.

These brain things.

That's why three weeks ago he was marching on Fifth Avenue

with me.

Friedman.

Yeah.

Come with me.

- Sterling.

I'm so sorry.

- You're what?

You're sorry?

Oh, thank you, Jeffrey, thank you.

Darius is dead.

Everyone, and I'm sorry, too.

I'm sorry.

- Is there anything that I can do?

- I wasn't enough.

I wasn't important enough.

I couldn't snub it.

Couldn't scare it off with a look.

I couldn't shield him with raw silk and tassels and Type X.

The limits of style.

- But you loved Darius and Darius loved you...

- Jesus, Jeffrey, how can you?!

What?

- You know, I don't know why, Jeffrey,

I'm obviously quite out of my mind, but right now...

No, I don't.

I don't hate you.

- You hate me?

. Jeffrey, perhaps you should just not be here,

not just right now.

- Please, Sterling.

Please, please, let me help you.

What can I do?

- What can you do, Jeffrey?

Nothing.

You're leaving.

You're going away to some place insane.

I'm sorry.

- I can stay for a few more days...

- No!

Please, go.

You are not part of this.

This has nothing to do with you.

You know, Darius once said

that you were the saddest person he ever knew.

- Why did he say that?

- Because he was sick, because he had a fatal disease

and he was one million times happier than you.

- You loved Darius and look what happens.

Do you want me to go through this with Steve?

- Yes.

- Jeffrey.

Guess what?

It's the tunnel of light you're supposed

to see right before you die, with all your dead relatives.

- What are you?

Are you some sort of grief-induced hallucination?

Why did you come back?

- To see you.

I figured you got here too late, I was already in the coma.

- Sweetheart, it's me!

Aunt Phyllis.

- And Uncle Barney.

- And Cousin Gary.

- You'll love it.

You look great.

Meow!

- Did you bring me anything?

- Flowers.

Where?

- I was in a hurry.

Look who's here, Grandma Rose.

Are you married?

- Jeffrey, I'm dead.

You're not.

- I know that.

- You do?

Prove it.

- What do you mean?

- Go dancing.

- Go to a show!

- Make trouble.

- Make out.

- Hate AIDS, Jeffrey, not life.

- How?

. Just think of AIDS like the guest that won't leave.

The one we all hate.

But you have to remember.

- What?

- Hey, it's still our party.

Darling, they're waiting.

- Wait, wait!

Is that it?

Is that all you have to tell me?

- Be nice to Sterling.

♪ There will be spring in the air ♪

♪ On the way to your heart ♪

♪ Welcome sounds everywhere ♪

♪ On the way to your heart ♪

♪ And the looks can arise ♪

Hi, Steve.

Hi.

Are you there?

Or are you screening your calls?

Uh, listen, it's Jeffrey, and I'm not in Wisconsin.

I'm not a complete asshole.

I have to see you.

It's an emergency.

10:00 tonight at the Essex House, please.

♪ How did I happen to lose my way on the way... ♪

Jeffrey?

♪ To your heart ♪

Jeffrey.

Monsieur.

What?

All right, what's going on?

You said it was important.

- Table for two?

Excuse me?

Didn't we have a date?

Oh, my God.

- Ugh!

Well, I didn't think you'd come.

When I left the message, I didn't know

if John would let you.

Sean.

- Dump him.

What?

- Just tell him it's over.

Be really mean.

It's a little too late for that.

- Why?

Sean dumped me.

- He did?

Really?

He couldn't take it.

The sex.

He was exhausted.

He's 22.

- Were you upset? - Of course.

- A whole bunch?

. Goodbye, Jeffrey. - Steve.

If I asked you to, could we have sex?

Safe sex, some kind of sex, tonight?

- What?

You are really unbelievable.

What is this, Jeffrey?

What, you think it's so easy, huh?

You just leave a message, rent a tuxedo.

I am still HIV positive.

So?

- So?

So it doesn't go away, Jeffrey.

It only gets worse.

I know.

- Don't do this, don't even, you fucker!

Don't you pretend, because I will not be your good deed.

- You're not, you're not, I'm too selfish.

I don't want a red ribbon.

- Oh, I am touched! - I want you.

- Say we have sex.

Say we like it.

And say tomorrow morning you decide

to take off for Wisconsin?

- I won't. - How do I know that?

- Because I am...

I'm a gay man.

And I live in this city, and I am not an innocent bystander.

Not anymore.

- So...

How bad do you want it?

- Oh.

Find out.

- This is nice.

You want it.

Suddenly, it's my decision.

I get to be Jeffrey.

- Oh, fuck you.

- Maybe.

Maybe?

- I think you should woo me first.

Dinner.

Maybe dancing.

And then... - Unbelievably hot sex.

- Not yet.

- Oh, come on, what...

What do you want?

- Jewelry.

- Yes!

- Yes.

Yes?

- Yes.

- But, Steve,

first you have to promise me something.

- What?

- Promise me that you will not get sick.

- Done.

- And you will not die.

- Never.

- Liar.

- Jesus, we really shouldn't do this.

We're really asking for it.

And you give me one good reason.

One good reason why we even have a prayer.

- One, one good reason? - I do.

- I dare you.

♪ Someday, I know, he'll smile hello ♪

♪ A warm welcome will be ♪

♪ I'm looking for someone ♪

♪ Someone who's looking for me ♪

♪ Standing there we'll learn to kiss ♪

♪ In fact it really leads ♪

♪ I'm looking for someone ♪

♪ Someone who's looking for me ♪

♪ We will walk as if were on wings ♪

♪ When a breathless moment arrives ♪

♪ Talk over little intimate things ♪

♪ As though we've known each other all our lives ♪

♪ Some sweet day you'll come my way ♪

♪ The one I'm longing to see ♪

♪ I'm looking for someone ♪

♪ Someone who's looking ♪

♪ Someone who's looking for me ♪

♪ I don't know what to do without you ♪

♪ I tried so hard to ignore this pain ♪

♪ Cos I don't want my love to be in vain ♪

♪ Such a simple thing to avoid me now ♪

♪ You walked in my life and I can't let you out ♪

♪ I'd be so helpless without you ♪

♪ Wouldn't know how to carry my whole life through ♪

♪ From this day on I will never forget ♪

♪ All this time, like the first night we spent ♪

♪ I don't know what to do without you ♪

♪ No, I don't know what to do ♪

♪ I don't know what to do without you ♪

♪ I'd be lost without something to cling to ♪

♪ Cos there's no one else who loves me like you do ♪

♪ Such a wicked spell that you're giving me ♪

♪ I never thought this is the way that it would be ♪

♪ I'd be so helpless without you ♪

♪ Wouldn't know how to carry my whole life through ♪

♪ From this day on I will never forget ♪

♪ All this time, like the first night we spent ♪

♪ I don't know what to do without you ♪

♪ I don't know what to do ♪

♪ I don't know what to do without you ♪

♪ Not without you ♪

♪ I don't know what to do without you ♪

♪ No, I don't know what to do ♪

♪ I don't know what to do without you ♪

♪ No, I don't know what to do ♪

♪ I don't know what to do without you ♪

♪ No, I don't know what to do ♪

♪ I don't know what to do without you ♪

♪ I will never ever find another love like you ♪

♪ I don't know what to do without you ♪

♪ I don't know what to do without you ♪

♪ That's what you do ♪