Original subtitles

Hi, everybody. It's October 5th.

Uh. 07:17 p.m.,

and we are in the maternity ward at Good Sam Hospital.

Hon, I think we'll remember where and when we had our baby.

It's for posterity, hon. Well, for posterity,

why don't you take the lens cap off?

Oh. Good call. There we go.

And there she is! Hi, Phoebe! Who's your new friend?

Mike, stop filming a stranger's baby.

That's okay, she's with me.

Aw! They're pretty cute together.

You'll have to make me a copy.

I'm Nora, by the way. Sue.

Here, I'll give you my number

and maybe we can get these two together sometime.

Yeah, I'd like that. Hear that, Emma?

Day one, you've already made your first friend.

♪ Watching the garden grow ♪

♪ Happy, happy days Got egg yolk on my bed ♪

♪ Chinese food on the way Watching the garden grow ♪

♪ Straight into the sky Got a candle by my window ♪

♪ That keeps me warm at night Spending time together ♪

♪ Watch out Don't let it get you down ♪

♪ And nothing is forever

♪ That's right But don't let it get you down ♪

♪ And I'm sitting in the back Of a limousine ♪

♪ Oh, just going to a show ♪

♪ Wishing you were here Right next to me ♪

♪ Oh, but you already know ♪

♪ That I'm the one Who loves you ♪

♪ Watch out Don't let it get you down ♪

♪ And there will be no other

♪ That's right But don't let it get you down ♪

♪ Oh, yeah, make it rain ♪

♪ Watching the garden grow Such a beautiful day ♪

♪ It's raining Through the window ♪

♪ But I like it that way Watching the garden grow ♪

♪ The color of your eyes Is changing with the seasons ♪

♪ And God only knows why ♪

♪ Spending time together ♪

♪ Watch out Don't let it get you down ♪

♪ And there will be no other

♪ That's right But don't let it get you down ♪

♪ Oh, yeah, make it rain ♪

♪ Watching the garden grow Such a beautiful day ♪

♪ It's raining Through the window ♪

♪ But I like it that way Watching the garden grow ♪

♪ The color of your eyes ♪

♪ Is changing With the seasons...♪

Sorry, not open yet!

I'm a public school teacher. I can't afford fresh flowers.

Wow! Look at you! Hello!

Okay! Coffee.

Oh, you're the best. I got you something.

Oh! I am loving this first-day-of-school blowout.

And then I slowly devolve to the early-December wet topknot.

She is cute too.

Happy teacher new year. It's a snake plant.

It's supposed to increase oxygen,

so maybe it'll help keep your students awake.

Doubtful, but thank you. Okay, here's to...

a whole new class of pimply faces...

...looking up at you in earnest.

New beginnings. New notebooks.

And, um, what are we gonna fill our pages with

this year, Pheebs?

No. What do you mean, "No"?

I haven't even said anything yet.

No, you don't have to.

At the start of every school year,

you come to me with some insane idea. That's not true.

Junior year, fencing lessons.

Which you failed to mention

were only so you could flirt with dum-dum Mark Zammit.

Without those fencing lessons,

you and I are not working at the Ren faire that summer.

Em, that was the worst summer ever.

What? You love working outside. It was 110 degrees.

And they only paid us in leg of lamb.

Someday I will learn my lesson,

and stop getting sucked into your schemes.

They're not schemes, they're a celebration of life.

Oh. A search for what the French call joie de vivre.

And what do the French call

"torn meniscus"?

Because that is what I got from

from our last celebration of life.

You can't tell me the Tough Mudder

wasn't worth it. You had to carry me over the finish line.

Of course, because you are my ride or die.

Exactly. I literally rode you, and I almost died.

Okay, but what if I told you that this year's idea--

So there is an idea.

Of course there is. Shit. Fuck. Balls.

I mean, who am I if I'm not taking on way more

than I can handle, and dragging you into it,

so I have someone to say,

"Em! I don't know how you do it all."

I don't know why you do it all. I fear stillness.

Mm. Okay, but what if I told you

that this year's idea is more rewarding

than anything we've ever done,

and it can be done almost entirely

from the comfort of home. Okay. Okay, fine. Hit me.

What is this year's big idea?

Let's have kids. What?

Fuck that.

Okay. Give me one reason why not.

I will give you the reason. I am not ready.

You don't know that. Oh, but I do.

I love to sleep,

I swear like a fuckin' slutty sailor...

Hmm. ...and my favorite thing in the world

is a... ...quiet Sunday brunch

with a crossword puzzle, and a Bloody Mary. Or three.

None of the things are fuckin' baby friendly, Emma.

Mm-hmm. It's scary, I get it. But hear me out.

No, don't go for a list. She's going for a list 'cause she made a list.

She always makes a list. "Based on extensive research,

I have deduced that being pregnant sucks balls."

You quoting a medical journal on that one?

"And giving birth sounds like the kind of pain that humans

don't even have a point of reference for."

Oh, good. Good, good, good. "And then you have the baby,

and life as you know it is essentially over,

as this tiny being slowly devours

your body, mind, and spirit,

with absolutely no awareness or gratitude

for what you've done." Fun!

But it's not gonna be like that for us, okay?

Because we have a secret weapon. We are gonna do this together.

Okay. A+ for planning. Um. Here's the thing.

I don't know anything about babies.

That's why you have me. I am your newborn cheat-sheet.

I'm already researching best-in-class products,

physical and emotional development checkpoints,

sleep training.

Okay, remember spring break in Mexico?

Okay, you didn't wanna go, I planned the whole thing,

and what did you say?

You said it was the best week of your life. Exactly. Best week in my life ever.

Yeah, but okay, that was one week

with our friends in Cancun.

This is 18 years with someone I have never met.

And you know I am not a fan of new people.

You think... you think I feel ready?

You've done PhD-level research.

I mean, you probably even know when you're ovulating,

you little freak. I do.

But that's only because I went to an OB last week

to make sure, like, the hardware looked good,

and she called me a baby-making machine,

by the way.

No big deal.

And she made an ovulation calendar for me.

See? Ready. Meanwhile, not ready.

I'm like two years overdue on a gyno visit,

and... I can't even tell you when my next period is.

September 4th, maybe September 3rd,

if you've been eating a lot of vitamin C.

That's sick. You're sick, Emma.

Fine. Maybe you're not ready... Mm-hmm.

...okay, but we are.

Plus, look how good you are at growing things.

Look at this. It's beautiful.

Okay, sure, but the timing has to be right.

You don't, like, plant tomatoes in winter.

It's 80 degrees out.

You're taking the metaphor too literally.

They say that raising kids takes a village, right?

Mm-hmm. Well, I think for most people

the hardest part is finding their village... Mm-hmm.

...and I found mine the day I was born.

Wow. The Day One photo.

Yeah. You're really pulling out all the stops on this one.

We're so cute. Look at those baby moms.

They're so young. Wow.

So, what do you say? I'm not doing this without you.

You wanna, like, plant some tomatoes?

Fuck it. Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, This is so exciting! Let's do it.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Just checking.

You didn't think I meant literal tomatoes?

No, let's make babies! That's what I thought!

Oh, my God! Let's make some babies! Oh, my God!

I love you so much. I've never loved you more.

Wow.

What do you think our husbands are gonna say?

Oh, since when do they get a vote?

How was your day? Oh, my God, I'm exhausted.

So ready to crash. Do you wanna have sex?

Second wind. Oh!

That was pretty cool, right? Doctor...

Not bad.

Honestly, I think I hurt my wrist.

Oh, honey. I'm okay.

Okay, great.

These are horrible. Oh, God.

Okay.

Mm.

♪ Thinkin' about you daily Is the regular ♪

♪ I run it 'cause you special Makes me know ♪

♪ I gotta step it up... Emma?

Uh. In the bedroom.

Hey there. Well, hello.

Where'd you get this little number?

Oh, this old thing?

It's part of my Ruth Bader Ginsburg

Halloween costume.

Oh, Ruth Bader "Skinsburg." I remember.

Skinsburg!

Um.

You wanna... make a baby?

You serious?

I mean-- I mean, you know I like making things,

esp... especially with you.

Remember we made that bird house?

How much harder can a human life be?

I can't imagine much.

So, you wanna...

Yeah.

It'll be just like that banana bread we made.

Still one line.

I don't think it can hear us.

How long has it been? Let me see.

Going on one hour and 17 minutes.

I guess that's probably a no.

Yeah, I think this one's a no.

It's... it.. it's fine.

It's just been a couple months, you know?

It just means we can try again.

You're right. Let's go! Hmm.

What, like right now?

Oh, my God.

These illustrations are weird.

I mean, it's just making it more confusing.

I know. But I think if they use real people,

then it would just be pornography.

Oh, right. It looks like Ikea instructions.

Yeah. It's weird.

All right.

Okay, so, you're an engineer.

These are basically sexual blueprints,

so, what am I looking at here? I mean, what is that?

How can you even get into that position?

Oh, no. Well, see, that would be you.

See, that's you. Oh.

I'm the one on top there.

Oh, so you're-- Okay, so you're, like,

you're... you're sitting on me. Yeah.

Oh. It's-- It's called the, uh... the Butter Churner.

The Butter Churner. Mm-hmm.

Now, see, if you reverse it, and you flip it,

then you see, you'd be on top,

now that one's called the Gentleman, uh, Accordion.

Huh. 'Cause it goes... you know.

Yeah, I see it. Yeah.

Just to level expectations, I pulled a hamstring yesterday,

so both of these are out for me.

I mean, I could maybe try the Twisted Samurai here,

or the, uh, the Broken Paddleboard

on this side here,

but I mean, both of those seem even a little dicey.

Have you done all these before? No.

You seem to know all the names. No, of course.

No, it's just... just... just guy wisdom.

Oh! Oh, it's guy wisdom?

Yeah. Just passed down, you know... Oh.

...with oral history.

Oh. Hold on.

Hey.

Hey, do you have a... a second to talk?

Sure, what's up?

Study this, and take your pants off.

This'll be quick.

Oh, my God. Are you trying... right now?

Trying to try? We're kind of, you know,

doing a dry run of some new strategies.

Dude, call me back. Why did you even pick up?

You called twice.

You only call twice when it's an emergency.

So, come on, what's the emergency?

Not an emergency. Uh. Just hanging.

Um. Thinking, you wanna maybe come by?

After... you're finished? Sure.

You can relax.

I think we'll just do it the regular way.

Yes! All right? All right, be there in ten.

Apology coffee.

Shouldn't have answered the phone

during foreplay, if you can even call it that.

You know Ben went Frisbee golfing yesterday?

I know it's just so he could avoid sex

for a few hours.

I think he's afraid I'm gonna break his dick.

It's a good strategy.

I mean, there's nothing less sexy

than Frisbee golf.

I just wanna be like, "Ben, you get turned on

when you see an avocado."

And now, all of a sudden he's saying

he's not a farm animal, and wants to be in the mood.

You think I'm in the mood every time?

Would I rather be organizing books by color?

Yeah! Sometimes. But eventually, you get into it.

Fingers crossed. Right?

That's why I'm so glad we're doing this together.

Mm. And I know I'm overreacting.

I mean, statistically speaking,

what are the chances of getting pregnant

on your first cycle?

Twenty-five percent. Exactly, 25 percent.

If there's a 25 percent chance of rain,

I'm not bothering with an umbrella, right?

Oh, my God. I don't know for sure.

But I did just puke my guts out, and... I missed my period.

What? How long ago? Okay, I missed two periods.

Oh, my God!

I have an avoidant personality, you know this.

Okay, well, why haven't you taken a test? I bought one,

but I'm too scared to take it alone.

Oh.

I can't look.

I'm gonna go out on a very sturdy limb,

and assume you don't have an OB yet?

Yeah. I'll send you some names.

Thank you. Also, my mom.

You absolutely have to be there when I tell my mom.

Pheebs... Dude, she calls you the daughter she never had.

To me, her actual daughter.

Remember when she awkwardly offered to adopt me

after my parents died?

Do I remember when my mom tried to adopt

a 23-year-old grown-ass woman? I do.

You know big news freaks her out.

She'll hop on her catastrophe train,

and blow right through Happy Town.

But she, like, tries to be her best self with you,

so if you are there, we won't fight.

But that's never stopped you before.

We argue around you, we don't fight.

There is a difference.

Okay, I promise I'm not gonna be

this needy the whole time.

Listen to me. Listen, you better be.

Thank you. Oh, my God.

Okay, let's get a picture. First one of the three of us!

Okay. Yeah. Wow.

Ready? Okay.

Say "embryonic development!"

- I'll call you later! - Okay.

Yeah.

Now go get... ...fucking pregnant!

'Cause I am not doing this alone.

You heard her. Get your shit together!

Yeah! I love you. Both of you!

I love you too-- We... we love you too!

Oh, I'm so excited.

I'm already planning your baby shower.

D... do not. Too late.

Hatching theme. Get ready for an omelet bar.

I'm walking away.

A banner that says, "She's Egg-specting"?

Can't... can't hear you anymore! Oh, this is gonna be great!

Ah. "Egg-specting." That's pretty good. That's good.

Fuck!

You do not want kids.

I think we do. Kids are a pain in the ass.

Fresh cervezas por mi familia?

Thanks, hon. Oh, baby and I are Duolingo-ing.

Should the, uh, baby's first words be, uh, "beer"?

Si. Okay.

Um. You-- You know that? Let me just help you out.

Ah! Gracias, Benito. Oh, de... de nada.

Look, Em, I'm sorry Phoebe lapped you...

...in this weird pregnancy race you guys were running together.

She did not lap me.

I mean, she... she might be ahead,

but I'm still on the track.

How does she look, by the way? Don't do that.

Stupid question. I'm sure she looks incredible.

You're gross. You're so gross.

Seriously, I'm just being honest.

Kids are a goddamn nightmare. All right?

They fight all the time, they're ungrateful.

They're expensive. We can hear you, Dad.

Get over here. Come on, come see me.

You too, Al. Come here. Okay, tell me everything.

What do you guys want for Christmas?

Oh, I want a purple Tesla. Oh, cool. What about you?

I want a boa constrictor with some mice. Oh.

With some mice!

When you have a baby, will I still be your favorite?

Mom! Stevie said she's Emma's favorite!

Listen to me, you are both my favorites.

Forever and always.

Girls, why don't you go watch Bluey.

I'm picking the episode!

We have to agree!

You guys fuck with Bluey? Yeah.

Do we fuck with Bluey? I'm sorry, what's that?

Greatest show ever created. See? There you go, you know?

Having kids introduced you to "Bluesy."

Bluey.

It's Bluey. Bluey.

Mom! Mom! Excuse me.

By the way, I'm not saying don't have kids.

I'm saying don't have kids right now.

You guys are young. I'm older than you.

And if having kids is such a nightmare,

why are you having a third?

You think I'm psyched about that, Emma?

I'm fucking terrified.

You know what they say about having your third kid. No.

They say it's like you're drowning,

and someone throws you a baby. Oh.

Look, I know I have to say, "I wouldn't change a thing,"

but if you told me that I could have the same kids,

but wait ten years before I have 'em,

I would take that deal in a heartbeat.

But as a therapist recently pointed out to me,

when you're 19 years old,

and you lose both your parents suddenly,

having a lot of unprotected sex is a reasonable coping strategy.

He said "reasonable"? Actually, I think he said "predictable."

You're seeing a therapist? That's great. Good for you, man.

No, this was some guy I ended up talking to

at Whole Foods... who happened to be a therapist.

Well... But it made me very grateful to have knocked up

an incredible woman, who is a total smokeshow. Ooh.

And I am completely in love with her to this very day.

Oh.

Thank you, bubba.

Hot mom alert. Yeah, she is.

Also an incredibly fertile woman who desperately wants a boy.

I am carrying low this time,

so I think it is our baby George.

Mom!

Coming!

You can do it.

Spoiler alert, it'll be another fuckin' girl.

Watch. Boys are easy. They're dumb.

Girls are born smart.

And I don't mean book-smart, all right? I mean...

like resourceful, crafty.

Taking mental notes, looking for weaknesses.

It's like living with Velociraptors.

You ever seen a Velociraptor? I mean, not in person, no.

Uh. You know, it'll happen when it happens...

...but I think what your sister needs to hear right now

is that this won't affect her friendship with Phoebe.

Ben is absolutely right. See? Thank you.

I mean about it happening when it happens.

Not about the Phoebe thing.

That friendship is going to be... different.

All right? People with kids, and people without kids

may as well be living on different planets.

And in six months' time,

when Phoebe goes to live on Planet Kids,

sure, you can go visit her planet...

...but she can never go back to Planet Before Kids ever again.

And let me give you a list of things

you will never be able to do once you have kids.

Think straight, see your friends,

go to non-animated movies,

listen to music with explicit lyrics,

uh, day drink.

You are literally day drinking right now.

Last but not least, take a shit

without someone bursting into the bathroom

for no apparent reason other than interrupting

your only ten minutes of solitude for the day.

You make me want to "Bluey" my brains out.

Excuse me. We have an announcement.

We have a performance.

Dad, hold my teeth.

This is the stage.

You gotta move.

♪ I'm a hell raiser Rock shows get paper ♪

♪ Law breaker I'm a bad bitch slayer ♪

♪ I'm a bad motherfucker 'Cause the good die young... ♪

No lessons.

Oh. Superstars.

Hey, Em.

Don't worry about what I said before.

You'll make other friends.

♪ Law breaker I'm a bad bitch slayer ♪

♪ Hell raiser Rock shows get paper ♪

Oh, my God.

Wake up!

Let's go, let's go! Wake up! Wake up! Oh, my God!

What's wrong?

Got the double smiley face on the ovulation stick.

Huh? What... time is it?

It is go time. It is put-a-baby-in-me o'clock.

Arms up! Don't undress me like a child.

We're sitting on two smiley faces right now.

There's no smiley face right here. All right?

I'm not like, uh, some sex robot who can just...

...turn it on at the drop of a hat.

Yes, you are. No, I am not.

I need, like... What? Okay, well, what do you need?

...to-- What do I have to do to activate Sex-a-tron?

For starters, can you please take out your retainer?

Ha! Easy.

Oh, it's really in there.

Happy? I don't know how to answer that.

I... I thought, you know,

trying to conceive a child would be, you know, like, fun.

No, wait. Okay, I'm sorry.

All right, let's... let's start over.

No. You know, double smiley face...

No, mm, mm, mm.

You're right, it is work. I mean, not for you.

You don't have to record your menstrual cycles,

monitor ovulation,

take your temperature six times a day,

pop prenatal vitamins the size of horse pills

that make you constipated.

Make sure you're getting enough exercise,

but not too much exercise,

because that could stress your ovaries.

And don't even get me started on food.

Am I eating too many sunflower seeds or not enough?

What about mature cheeses,

or... or full-fat dairy, or liver?

Yeah! I've been eating liver for us.

Organs, Ben. Mm, mm, mm. Organs.

Oh, but don't forget to make sure

it's still fun for your partner.

Em, I-- No, it's fine.

We'll just have a super tiny window next month.

Thanks.

What can I do to make this easier for you?

I want you to see a doctor,

and make sure everything's working.

Okay. You think I'm spiraling?

No, uh, I think... me getting my...

equipment checked makes perfect sense.

We'll figure this out. And if we don't, you know,

we can look into IVF, or adoption.

You know, there's more than one way

to start a family. But that's gonna take time.

And I don't have time. You heard what my brother said.

Yeah, I did.

So, you know, let's... let's get drunk,

and sleep in while we still can. Our time will come.

No, I can't do that.

Not when my best friendship is on the line.

Em, it's not. You don't get it.

Phoebe and I are not just friends

because we were born on the same day.

It is because we've spent our lives together.

We have done literally everything together.

Okay, fact.

You're friends with people in your grade growing up,

people you work with in your twenties,

and people who have kids at the same time as you

for the rest of your life.

So, the one thing we aren't doing together

is the one thing we have to do together.

Otherwise, you know, our kids end up in different grades,

we end up hanging out with different parents.

I mean, sure, we'll... we'll still talk,

but, you know, it's just gonna be glory days shit.

If I don't get pregnant by the time Phoebe has her baby,

like, I know this sounds dramatic,

but it's true, like, our friendship,

as we know it, will be over.

That does sound dramatic.

But I see your point.

So, let's check the junk.

Okay, I did not realize how complicated

this whole setup is.

Trust me, it's not that complicated.

Oh, the penis detaches! Don't mess with that.

Ooh! No, don't...

Oh, I shouldn't play with-- Oh!

Oh. Oh. Shit, shit, shit, shit.

Oh, my God. Hello.

Hello. Howdy.

Uh. I'm sorry for shattering your penis.

Not the first time I've heard that.

I'll take care of it.

Oh, also, there's a testicle rolling around here somewhere.

Oh, it happens all the time in surgery.

Totally kidding, of course. Surgery is very safe here.

Actually, this is based on me, anatomically.

Oh. That's a joke.

My penis is much, much... smaller than that.

What? Sorry, I am off today.

Is this not as funny as I think it is?

I would say maybe more... It's right on the edge of the line.

Yeah. Maybe a little bit past.

That's what they keep telling me,

but this office is my comedic proving ground.

If it works here, it's gonna work on stage.

I host an open-mic at the Helium Club.

That... that's another... another joke?

No, no, that's real. That's Tuesdays.

Feel free to stop by. Okay, we... we will.

Yeah. May... maybe.

So, you are here for a fertility evaluation.

Correct.

Which hand would you like me to use?

There it is.

There's the laugh I was hoping for.

More of an exasperated chuckle.

Uh. Look, you are wildly inappropriate,

and, uh, you're probably gonna lose your medical license.

This is a doctor's office.

We're quite familiar with cancellations.

I also like wordplay.

In the meantime, let's deal with your problem.

Cool.

Uh. I mean, not that I have a... a problem, you know?

It's just...

You wanna get pregnant, and it's not happening for you.

Exactly. How long have you been trying?

A few months, plus or minus. Well, no, not minus, plus.

First of all, congratulations on being here.

Most men wouldn't even conceive, wordplay again,

the idea that the problem was theirs.

But male factor infertility accounts

for nearly 50 percent of the cases.

Male reproduction is a complicated process.

There's a thousand things that could go wrong.

Maybe you have some congenital cyst.

Maybe it's from an old case of Chlamydia?

No. I don't know, sailor,

I bet you're pretty popular in port.

Nope. But first of all, the fun part

gets you in the collection room right away.

Okay, great. Collection room.

Yeah, I wanted to call it the "masturbation station"

but HR shut me down. Come with me.

Collection room number one. All yours. Take your time.

The whole office will be huddled around the door,

waiting for you to finish.

Joke. Have fun in there.

Oh, and please do come to my show.

The more people I bring,

the more time they give me on stage.

Oh! There's the testicle.

Uh. Hi.

Hello. Is everything okay in there?

Uh. Yeah. Uh. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, fine.

No, everything's not okay in here.

I mean, like, there's... there's a double lock on the door,

which is great, but it reminds me of the fact

that I'm ten feet away from some guy in a cubicle

processing insurance payments.

And, like-- And then there's, like, these... these rags,

and all of them are so pilly,

there's no way any of them are new.

I don't understand why this is a problem for you.

This is literally the only time

when you jerking off is productive.

Is there porn? I mean, yeah, but... Em, I'm afraid to touch it.

Oh, that's probably smart.

You want me to do the Scottish voice?

Oh, you're a dirty boy.

Oh, you're just disgustin'. Get over here!

I'm going to scalp your arse.

Now, picture me in a kilt, and get 'er done.

Aye, lass.

How you feeling?

Excited. Yeah.

Nervous, nauseous.

Me too.

Hey, um, before the doctor gets here,

just a little heads-up, so not a big deal,

but I invited Emma. To what?

Brian, I had to.

Your schedule is so unpredictable,

I didn't wanna risk doing this alone, you know?

But you... you invited Emma to... to this? Yeah.

Okay, sweetie, I... I... I... I'm... I'm here.

I said I'd be here, I'm here. I would never miss this.

It's just that Emma and I said

we wanted to get pregnant together.

Like, obviously it didn't happen the way we planned,

so I just don't want her to feel left out, you know?

I'm sorry. I'm gonna... I'm gonna back you up

just... a second. Um.

Did Emma know we were trying to have kids

before I knew we were trying to have kids?

Oh, yeah. It was actually her idea.

Okay, um...

I love... I love you.

I love you too, Brian. Yeah.

And I do love Emma. Hmm.

I love you and Emma, um, but this is a lot.

Sure.

Totally. No, I agree, it's a lot.

Yeah. It's a lot.

Uh-huh. I see you. I hear you.

But she's, like, so amazing at all of this,

and she did find me this doctor.

Sh... she did? Yeah.

Huh.

That's great. Um.

Emma found the obstetrician

that's gonna be delivering our baby.

Uh-huh. Sure, um, makes sense.

It's not like you're married to a doctor

who might have an opinion.

I'm sorry. Okay. Okay. It's okay. No.

I'm so sorry. It's okay.

I'm sure whoever Emma found is gonna be great.

And I just--

For me, I just wanted to feel maybe, like,

I was just included in, I don't know, any of this.

That's not why I'm crying.

Then why are you crying?

I have no idea. Hormones?

Okay. I cry, like, multiple times a day now.

And I almost never know... why.

And when I do know why, it's, like, insane.

Like this morning, I go to make eggs...

and there's that chicken, that cartoon chicken,

on the carton.

I've seen it a hundred... hundreds of times. Uh-huh.

But this morning, I'm like...

...they're making her lay all these eggs.

She's working so hard, and she is so tired.

And she's got no support.

This is what a chicken is born to do.

It's its life's purpose. But how do you know that--

That... that's what the chicken does.

Knock, knock! Oh. Oh, no! Hey. Excuse me.

Is this about the chicken? Yeah.

Hey, I'm sorry. It's about the chicken.

Hi, everyone, I'm Dr. Morrison. I am so sorry I'm late.

I was playing in a charity rugby tournament

over at Northgate Park. Oh.

Sorry, one minute.

Oui, bonjour.

Oui. Oui. Merci.

Great pick, Em. Can't wait to meet the doula.

Okay. Which one of you is... Phoebe?

That would be moi.

Congratulations. Oh, thank you.

I'm Emma. Hi, Emma.

I'm the best friend just here to support.

You know?

I'm... I'm Brian. Also--

Yes. I'm-- Sorry. Excuse me.

I'm... ...I'm the husband.

Ah. And father-to-be.

Also... also a doctor.

Ah, yes, I can see by the scrubs.

I'm sorry there's no white lab coat for me.

We kind of try to keep things casual around here.

Speaking with "Dr. Morrison" always feels so formal.

So, feel free to call me Ian. Okay, Ian.

That's a great sweater, Ian.

Mm-hmm. Thank you.

I'm gonna stick with Dr. Morrison, actually.

Yeah, all those years of med school?

You earned it.

You are a funny guy, Ryan. That is so true.

And I always say laughter is the best kind of medicine.

Other than, uh, penicillin.

It's not real medicine is what you're saying.

Yeah, exactly. All right. Well...

shall we take a look at your cervix?

Oh, my God, stop. Oh, you w-- Yeah.

So, you're eleven weeks.

Oh, my God, I am? Mm-hmm.

Growing a little cherry tomato. Aw!

You know, I think maybe we explore

the idea of a different doctor. Aw, sweetie.

Does it make you uncomfortable that our doctor is so handsome?

No, it's not like you've never been around

a really handsome doctor before.

But Ian is so hot, and he speaks French

and he plays Rugby...

Can you not call him Ian? He asked us to call him Ian.

Look, all I'm saying is...

...that ultrasound wand just went in real easy.

So inappropriate, Emma.

Please, if you're gonna be a part of this whole thing,

I'm begging you, I need you to tighten it up.

I'm gonna have to... You're gonna have to tighten it up!

Please don't make this two against one.

I'm sorry I don't fill out a sweater, okay?

I'm more of an endurance guy. You could... you could start lifting though.

I don't like this.

I don't wanna play... I don't wanna play this game.

Oh, shit. Okay, that's my mom.

Do you wanna change? No, I'm good.

I like to remind your mom that I'm a doctor.

I'm... I'm just gonna say hi on the way out.

Oh, now, you wanna leave? No, you can't leave. We talked about this.

She's way better behaved when you're here. Oh, my God.

Look alive.

You guys look really weird.

Oh. She's gonna know something is up.

Of course she's gonna know something's up. You invited her over here.

Just like... What is this?

Okay. Hi, Mom!

You took forever to answer the door.

I've got a conference call in... 20 minutes.

Okay.

Hi, Sue. Hey.

What's wrong?

What's wrong? Nothing's wrong.

What, are you crazy? Excuse me?

I... I... I didn't mean crazy. Why... why would I say "crazy"?

I'd be crazy to call you crazy.

Everybody knows you never call a woman "crazy."

I also know you never tell a woman to relax.

B. Let me get your coat.

No, I'm fine.

It's always a little chilly in here.

Well, I was actually just on my way out, so...

But it was so good to see you.

No, no, no, no, no. Emma's gonna stay.

For all of it. I guess I'm staying.

Let's go this way. Shall we?

Okay.

Brian, settle. Just... Okay.

So, we...

...are having a baby. Yay!

The three of you.

I should probably go. No. Stay.

Yeah, you know what? I'll walk you out. No. Definitely not.

Uh. This is the part where you say,

"Congratulations! I am so happy for you both."

Who is going to run your store?

Are you serious? You will understand this when you become a mother,

but it's my job to worry about every aspect of your life.

Even when I am not worried about it?

Especially when you're not worried about it.

Well, you can't worry about her all the time.

You know? Then what's my job?

Emma, it's always so great to see you,

but why are you here?

I have been asking the same question.

Oh, so have I.

She is here because I am not doing any of this

without her. No.

What? What? What... what is so funny?

Well, you can do a lot of it with her,

but when it comes time to push that pineapple

out of the mouse hole...

Wow. Whew.

...then, you are on your own.

I will be there.

Obviously we can't physically have this kid together,

but once she pushes the baby out of the mouse hole,

um, I will be right there with her every step of the way.

Okay. Well, it seems you have all this under control,

so, congratulations. I'm so happy for both of you.

You too, Brian. I don't need that. That's fine.

So, I was reading this article on fertility foods,

so I've been eating, you know, like walnuts,

and... and lentils, salmon...

Actually, I made this beef liver smoothie

this morning that was-- Oh, my God! Hey.

It's okay, she's just drunk.

Come on! There's a bench over there. Emma!

Let's sit down for a minute. Do you want your crackers?

No, not yet. Okay.

God. I officially hate being pregnant.

Sorry. I didn't... Stop. We're not doing that.

Okay? Okay.

I just...

got a little freaked out ever since my mom

acted like you and I won't...

you know.

Rob basically said the same thing.

He did? Well, he was so Rob, you know?

He said, like, "There's a planet for people with kids,

and a planet for people without kids."

So, we're on different planets now?

Okay, we're not taking parenting advice

from my crypto-bro brother.

I mean, he does know a thing or two

about having kids.

Sure, and so does your mom. But guess what they don't know?

Well, between the two of them, pretty much everything

on the spectrum of emotional intelligence?

Exactly.

And, you know, they don't know this.

This is some Day One shit right there.

Nothing is ever gonna change that. Okay?

Mm-hmm. Ever.

Fuck you both.

So, Ben's results came back,

and there is no issues. Like, everything works fine.

And as our doctor/ aspiring comedian said,

Ben's sperm is as strong as Richard Pryor's early stuff.

Okay. And that's... good?

I think it means good. Great.

Okay, last one.

Rob... ...you guys are about to have another kid.

Are you sure you don't need any of this?

For sure. You're doing us a favor.

Besides, this is all stuff you think you can't live without

on your first kid, and then realize it's completely useless

on your second kid. Oh, my God.

I'm dying. Oh, they're so tiny!

Yeah, you know who doesn't need a pair of shoes?

A seven-pound blob that doesn't have

the core strength to sit up let alone walk.

Is this changing pad phthalate-free?

What the fuck is a "phthalate"?

Come on, B.

How are things with, uh, with you and Brian?

Uh. Sorry.

What? Really?

Pregnancy can be very stressful on a relationship, Emma.

I wanna make sure she's okay.

I've known Phoebe my entire life,

and we have always had a connection.

Is that why you would steal my yearbook,

and dog-ear all the pages she was on?

Bullshit, Emma. It's not bullshit.

I dog-eared one page... I saw those dog-ears--

...because I was doing a report on volleyball.

Oh. Phoebe happened to be on the team that year.

It was a volleyball project? Shut up!

Oh, that's totally real.

Shut up. You shut up.

He's stuck in surgery. I knew this was bound to happen.

How dare he save lives.

He is missing our birthing class.

I get to be a little peeved, even if he is saving lives.

All right, I'll do it. When is it? I'll go.

You-- I'm a great birthing coach.

No, I believe you.

You've d... done it multiple times.

But, uh, I'm fine.

Why don't you go invest in more Fart Coin or whatever?

That one's gonna pay off. Go home, Volleyball.

You are so mean.

Ugh!

It's cute. It's cute. Anyway, I will go with you.

No, it's okay. I can go on my own.

Oh, come on. We'll get food. It'll be fun.

But that is so unfair to dangle food

in front of a pregnant woman.

Okay. Can I have 17 tacos,

and a strawberry milkshake, please?

♪ Look me up sometime Look me up sometime ♪

♪ When you're trying to get off But can't just hit the bit ♪

Welcome, and love.

We're to start the day by greeting the seeds

among us and within us.

Go ahead and greet them now.

Hello.

And I see a new face.

Let's meet our new friend joining us on our journey,

and in our small village.

Hi! Thank you. Um. So, I am Emma.

I am not expecting, obviously. Well, I guess not obviously.

But I mean, I mean I really wanted to be,

but it didn't-- You know, I could--

Uh. It is what it is. It's cool. It's cool-cool in the pool-pool.

Um. Wow! I am a teacher.

I can do better than that, and I'm sorry.

This is an apology-free zone, Irma.

Emma. Dharma?

Emma. Thelma.

"Em-ah."

Thank you for sharing.

And Phoebe, tell us, what are the small joys

that you're discovering on your journey

since our last class?

I guess I've been finding that on days where I'm so tired,

and I can't get anything done, I take comfort in knowing that

I'm making this baby.

Pheebs! I'm so proud of you.

Hmm. I mean, you've been so brave and honest,

sharing the complicated relationship

that you've had with your own mother

over the years, so I know that this is huge progress for you.

You're breaking the cycle, Mama.

Mama? So, for me, I know I'm a broken record,

but I am finding joy in being on this journey for a third time

with, um, just the most important person in my life.

You know, my rock, my number one, my ride-or-die,

my everything.

Literally the most important person in my life.

My soul-sister Madison. Oh, my God. Bells.

I was gonna say the same thing.

No! No, no, l... literally.

I was about to say "broken record."

Literally. Stop!

I love you. Hold my pinkie.

I'm sorry... what?

You guys have gotten pregnant at the same time three times?

Bella says we have psychic ovaries.

And thrice through my course as well.

Yes. And it's been...

transformative. Challenging.

Oh. Oh!

All right, going to begin by reconnecting with our bodies,

our partners, and our little ones.

So, supporting partner, I want you to sit cross-legged.

Our fruit-bearers,

go ahead and lay your head back into your partner's lap.

And supporting partner,

I want you to take in your fruit-bearer.

We are such complex human beings.

♪ We are a cornucopia Of feeling ♪

I'm going to ask you now to close your eyes,

and take a deep, cleansing breath.

And relax.

You are not thinking about your to-do list.

You're not thinking about the shoulds and the woulds.

You are simply accepting the beauty in this moment.

The beauty is not in what we want,

but accepting the beautiful things

that we have.

Let go.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I've gotta go.

Are you okay? Emma...

Why does she get to leave? Em...

Emma? Fuck! Look out!

Dude, are you okay?

Will you slow down? Oh, my God. Are you bleeding?

I'm fine! I just need to get some tampons.

For your nose? No, not for my fucking nose.

You okay? Yeah. No more blood.

Great. I'm back to normal.

That's not what I was talking about though.

I'm worried about you, Emma.

I just don't know why we can't sync up on this.

Like, I don't... I don't know why.

It's not like we haven't taken different paths before.

You know? We went to different colleges.

We have different jobs.

We got married at different times

to different people.

I don't know, this feels...

this maybe feels a little different.

Right?

Like, we did those things separately,

but... also kind of felt together.

I'm not sure I feel...

together on this one.

Yeah.

Okay. Safe space.

Until we finish these hot chocolates,

we are allowed to lay it all out,

be absolutely honest with ourselves and each other,

no hard feelings. I'll start. Okay.

You know who I find really annoying?

Those pregnant women who walk around

all the time just rubbing their bellies,

talking nonstop about "the baby," but the thing is,

I think I have become that pregnant person.

Like, the truth is,

this kid is pretty much all I think about now, Emma.

And I know I have asked so much of you already,

but I...

I just love ya, and...

I desperately need and want you to be all-in

in having and raising this kid with me.

And I... I don't know how to do half-in.

I don't know how to walk on eggshells, Em.

But if that is, like, shitty, and annoying, or hard,

or completely fucking boring to someone who isn't pregnant,

then I get it, I really do. You just gotta tell me.

And then I will...

I will give you space from this.

And I promise, I really promise,

it won't affect our friendship at all.

'Cause this is fuckin' hard.

And I know that this is hard for you.

It's, um...

Listen...

When have I ever been half-in?

Never.

And do you really think I'm gonna start

with the most important event of our lives?

I don't know. I mean, you've put up a good--

Oh...

Oh, my God.

Do you feel that? Yeah.

It's a girl.

I knew it. I frickin' knew it!

Our little tomato's a girl. Oh!

Oh, and she is-- Whoa!

She is really kicking around in there.

Yeah. Having a little dance?

Okay. All right.

Eh! Eh!

Oh! Oh!

Eh! Eh...

Oh. Oh...

Oh, you're home early.

Hey.

Grading papers?

I wish. I'm working on Phoebe's baby shower.

I think I maybe went a little overboard.

You, uh, always go overboard.

It's part of your charm.

Okay, you need a break.

Pencils down.

I have a surprise for you. Why?

And I know how much you hate surprises,

so I'm just gonna tell you what it is.

We are going out tonight. Okay.

First, we're gonna have a couples massage at Kanani,

'cause I know how much you love the gentle touch

of a complete stranger.

I do. And then,

we're having dinner at a little place called Cloverly.

No, we are not! Yes, we are.

How? I've been trying to get us in

for so long, since they opened.

Let's just say that your husband's a big shot

and has pull around town.

No work stuff,

no baby shower stuff.

Tonight is just about you and me.

Oh, my God. I love you.

♪ Poison, please ♪

♪ There's blood in the water ♪

♪ Like antifreeze ♪

♪ For neon-dripping Daughters... ♪

I can't believe you pulled this off.

Hey, Cormac. Hey, Ben.

Welcome to Cloverly.

I'll go check on your table. All right.

My mom says thank you so much for the flowers, by the way.

Don't mention it. Don't mention it.

What is-- Cormac? Who...

I may have to put in a lot of face time

to get this reservation.

Let's say, I basically know the whole staff by now.

Wow. Yeah.

Hey! Hey, guys!

Oh, my God! What? How are you? Oh, my God!

What the hell? What's going on, man?

Did you... did you organize this?

Uh, no, I sure did not. What are you guys doing here?

Oh, we're just, uh, getting a bite to eat.

What are you doing here? Yeah.

Been so busy at the hospital lately that I probably haven't

been around as much as I should be,

so I'm trying to make up for it.

But I'm really glad that you guys are here.

There was an issue with the reservation. It's my fault.

Um, but maybe when Phoebe sees you guys,

she'll forget she's pissed at me.

Nope. Mm-mm. Oh...

Hi.

Hello! Hi!

Did he tell you what he did?

It was more done to me. I feel like I'm the victim here.

Did you know there's an internet black market

for restaurant reservations?

Did you also know there is a black market

for fake reservations?

I didn't... I didn't know. I just-- I didn't know. No.

If we're ready? Oh, hey.

My man. How we lookin'? Any luck?

Did I have any luck finding the reservation

you made on the dark web?

I did not. Uh, look.

I'm sorry. I... I made a mistake.

I got it, but the website says that you take walk-ins.

So, I don't know, can we maybe just walk in?

Absolutely. If you don't mind splitting up,

I can probably seat one of you inside the heating vent

and the other person could hold a squat

in the parking lot, if that works for you.

This is not funny.

Um. Well, hey, can they sit with us?

Oh! No, no, no. Emma,

we are not crashing your romantic dinner.

Stop, stop, stop. Can we just get

a couple more chairs at the table?

As much as I would love to not be helpful,

yes, of course we can accommodate that.

Thank you. Now, if you'll just follow me.

It's a bit of a walk to the table.

Good think you wore hiking clothes.

Right this way.

Thank you. Are you sure this is okay?

♪ Pressure to party Gonna stay in ♪

♪ Nothing good can come From me drinking... ♪

Yeah, right. Yeah. No, I had a dog.

Wait, you had a dog growing up?

What? I didn't tell you this?

No! How did you not tell me this?

I had to have told you this.

Yeah, I had a dog growing up. What's the dog up to now?

Hit by a car. That's not how he died though.

How'd he die? Poisoned by another dog.

Anyway...

Okay. Give us the baby updates.

Okay, well,

I have been on one this week.

Okay. Yeah, I've been exhausted for months,

and all of a sudden I have this, like, newfound energy.

Like, I came home from work today

and I painted the nursery.

Wow.

Uh, mama bird is nesting.

I am.

I am really nesting.

I've actually read all the articles

that you've sent me.

You read them? Yeah.

You are a different person.

And I just read the one about talking to your baby.

Oh. I mean, obviously, we talk to the baby.

But I didn't know that she could differentiate the voices.

Well, so, she's listening to us right now?

Yeah. Are you ready to introduce yourselves,

Uncle Ben and Auntie Em?

Ooh! Don't love those nicknames.

Not great. Oh, you don't have to...

No, come on. Say hi.

- Cute. - It's so loud in here,

the baby's not even gonna be able to hear me.

Okay, don't be weird.

Yeah. You got to. Come on. Yeah.

Hi. I'm Emma.

Louder. Uh, hello, it's Emma!

I'm so excited to meet you!

What about you, Ben?

Oh...

Hey, what's up--

Have you guys thought about baby names?

Names! Oh, my God.

You mean our most frequent argument?

Yeah, I didn't know that I had a say.

I thought this was something you guys worked out.

Okay. A lot of strong opinions.

Um, but you know, we should ask them what they think.

Of whose pick?

Either one, just throw it out there. Blind study.

Okay. Yeah, go for it.

Hortense.

Hortense.

That's not... a name.

Hortense?

They're laughing. They are laughing.

Wait, you can't. You can't. Because it-- I mean--

You can't give a name that starts with--

"Whore." "Whore."

And also, "tense."

I mean, it sounds like an anxious sex worker. [CHUCKLES}

Your present tense, your past tense,

and your "whore" tense.

Oh, my God, yeah.

I'm sorry, Brian, but that is a no.

Oh, yeah.

No, Emma, it was my pick. That was my name.

Oh. It was?

It was my great-great- grandmother's name.

Oh. I'm... I'm sorry to laugh at that then.

Maybe Hortense is just not a good name.

And "Lily" is such a better name?

Uh. Yes.

Ooh.

Pour one out for Hortense. Raise a glass for Lily.

To Lily. To Lily.

Okay, I don't want to talk about this anymore.

What was the name of your dog?

Uh, it was Hortense.

I'm not the asshole.

We're still talking about this?

Hortense is a ridiculous name.

Yeah, no. It's a big swing.

Yeah, I'm not out of line.

I mean, she asked me for my opinion.

I'm just gonna give her my opinion and be honest

and be a good friend and be honest.

I mean, maybe the cackling laughter

was a touch insensitive.

Insensitive? You know what's insensitive?

Spending the entire dinner, our dinner, by the way...

It was nice of them to pay.

...rubbing her pregnant belly

while her un-pregnant best friend

is fitting into her high school jeans

because of stress!

Hon, I'm gonna preface this by saying

you look, whoo, super hot in those high school jeans,

and also intelligent and fiercely independent.

I'm also gonna preface this by saying,

I am 100 percent in your corner...

Cannot wait to hear what comes next.

...but you did keep asking her about the baby.

I asked, like, three questions,

which were broken up by 30-minute pregnancy monologues.

And also, correct me if I'm wrong,

didn't you tell her it was okay if she was one

of those pregnant ladies who kept on talking about pregnancy?

And... Oh...

...that she didn't have to walk on eggshells?

Of course I said that, okay? Because that is what a friend

is supposed to say, but read the room, lady.

I am human fucking eggshells right now.

Okay, okay. Come here, my little eggshell.

- Come on. - Okay. All right.

Yeah.

Hey.

Just talk to her, okay? She'll understand.

This whole putting on one face for her,

then raging to me,

you can't keep that up forever.

Eventually you're gonna snap.

Okay. But it's not gonna be forever.

You know? Just a couple more months.

I mean, you think once this baby comes,

she's gonna magically stop asking you for any help at all?

It's just gonna get harder.

And if you wanna be an awesome friend,

just talk to her,

tell her how you feel, and she'll understand.

So, not to ruin a sweet, nice moment, but--

Oh, I see. You wanna know if we're having sex.

Thought I was being a little bit more subtle than that.

But yes.

I mean, I'd just as easily watch Top Chef.

Ah. Okay, so I... I was a yes.

But then you said Top Chef.

Okay. How about

we have sex, and then Top Chef?

Ooh, done. Okay, your time starts now!

♪ Girl, I'm a hell raiser Rock shows get paper ♪

♪ Law breaker I'm a bad bitch slayer ♪

♪ I'm a bad motherfucker 'Cause the good die young ♪

♪ I ain't walking out the house Without them racks and my gun ♪

♪ You was making honor roll I was skipping in school ♪

♪ I ain't making--

What up, Phoebe? Who is ready to get their baby shower on?

Hello?

Uh, hello?

Is this Emma?

Yes, this is she. Who's this?

It's Bella, Phoebe's friend from birthing class.

She gave me her phone so I could call you.

Oh! Okay. So, are you at her house?

Yeah, yeah. Madison and I came early.

And then we did this private energy-clearing ceremony.

Sorry, we thought that you'd be here.

Um, I am. I'm... I'm, like, five minutes away.

Could you do us a humongous fave?

The gals from class ordered these amazing balloons

that were supposed to be delivered, but I guess

they don't deliver on Sundays or something.

So, could you pretty-please stop by Lippmans

on your way over and pick them up for us?

We would totally do it but we Ubered here.

Yeah! No problem.

Oh, my God, thank you so much. You're the best.

No, you're the best!

Thanks.

♪ Why don't you just go ♪

♪ Get outta my space

♪ Get outta my town ♪

♪ And quit Your hangin' around ♪

♪ Why don't you Leave me alone ♪

♪ Get outta my face

♪ When I met you You seemed okay ♪

♪ Lonely, new in town ♪

♪ But now you're stuck on me Like a fly on shit ♪

Yeah!

♪ Get outta my space ♪

♪ Get outta my town ♪

♪ And quit Your hangin' around ♪

♪ Why don't you Leave me alone ♪

♪ Get outta my face ♪

Fuck you! Fuck you.

Okay.

Fuck!

Nice balloons!

♪ Baby, oh, baby... ♪

Let's put our hands on, okay?

Okay... Can you do it a little higher?

Got it.

What do you think? No, again.

That looks delicious.

You're really pretty.

And you should have another cupcake.

Don't tell my dad. He thinks I'm addicted to sugar.

Oh.

This is Charlie.

Oh, that's amaz-- Congratulations.

You finally got the boy that you wanted.

No, Charlotte.

It's another girl. But it's meant to be.

I actually had a dream the night before I went into labor

that we had three girls and one boy.

So...

He's the next one.

Yep. Can't wait.

How are you? Ooh. Nice cupcake. Yum.

Where's the other one?

Oh, she's at home with my mom.

Yeah, we think it's the flu.

She was puking her guts out last night.

Yeah, everywhere. Everywhere...

Everywhere? Yeah.

I'm just gonna wash my-- Sure.

Hey, is that Emma?

Yeah, no, I literally just dialed her.

Is she coming? Well, I'm gonna find out.

Oh, hey.

Uh, yeah, we were just talking about you.

Where are you?

Oh, you're here?

Well, tell her I am here. Yeah, Brian's here.

Also, tell her to stay away from Rob's kids.

Whoa! What happened?

I'll tell you what happened.

I planned this party down to the last detail,

and instead of being here,

I've been driving around ten-miles-an-hour

with a bunch of goddamn balloons sticking out of my sunroof

like I'm the old man from Up!

Do not laugh at that.

Okay, this...

Okay. Yeah.

I can tell you had a pretty rough day...

Oh, a rough-- A pretty rough day?

You have no fucking idea.

I don't. I don't. But what I do know

is that you spent a lot of time planning this baby shower

and it looks incredible in there.

And, so I want you to leave whatever happened out there

out there,

and go in there and have a victory lap

as the best friend any pregnant woman's ever had.

Okay. Okay.

Can I give you a hug? Absolutely not.

If you touch me in a loving way, I will completely unravel.

Okay? Fair. Yep.

Let's go. Okay.

Oh, my God!

Thank you so much.

Great party, by the way.

Killed it. Murder scene!

Wait, is this all the balloons?

There's supposed to be 40 balloons.

One for each week of her pregnancy. Yeah.

This feels like a lot less balloons

than 40 balloons. Oh, really?

Because to me, it feels like infinite fucking balloons.

Well, thank you. Yeah.

Have fun!

Hi.

She has no idea what she's in for.

But I brought her a pineapple. Oh, my God!

Emma, you really are your mother's daughter.

You really are.

This reminds me of when she threw you girls

your seventh birthday party.

The best party ever. The Spice Girls party?

Yes!

You were Ginger and Phoebe was Posh.

That's right. Girl power!

But you threw that party together.

Oh, no.

I can't do anything like this.

That was all Nora.

She just always made me look good.

You did really good.

Try to have fun.

Okay.

Quick question. Jesus.

We wanted to go in on a Snoo for Pheebs,

but we didn't see one on the registry.

Oh, my God, the Snoo is a dream.

You have a Snoo? You have to.

I adore my Snoo. We tried co-sleeping

with my first, then we moved to a bouncer.

A bouncer? I know. I'm a monster.

Also, I love my glider. So, does she want a Bjorn?

A what? A Boppy?

I don't know what you're saying. UPPAbaby?

Nap Strap? DockATot?

Keekaroo? Ooh.

Keekaroo.

What the fuck is a Keekaroo?

There you are!

What do you think?

I-- This is great. It looks great.

Double-fisting the champers. Are you drunk?

I've been... I've... I've been drinking.

Okay. Now, do you think that the crib should go there?

Because I was thinking the glider should go there

and the crib should go there.

But Brian is getting paranoid and thinks the crib

should be near the fire alarm, but--

Please, just stop.

I'm sorry, but could you please just stop?

I'm sorry. I just-- I can't hear another story

about Boppies and Snoos

and DockATots and Keekaroos!

I feel like I'm in a goddamn Dr. Seuss book.

I'm sorry. I'm fine. Sure.

I just need a minute.

Maybe you should just go downstairs

and open some presents with your pod

of pregnant people.

Like a pod of whales? Nice.

Well, it's fitting. Because they migrate together,

share care of their young, and hunt their prey in groups.

Oh, wow. So, now we're hunting you?

Yeah. Why do you think I'm hiding?

I don't know, Emma.

I thought we squashed this.

You said you were all-in.

I mean, I lied.

That's not fair.

You talked me into this. This was all your idea.

Well, my idea was doing it together.

Do you realize how lonely it is

watching all of this happen from the outside?

Do not come at me with lonely.

I can't talk to my mother.

Brian tries, but he's pretty limited.

I don't have siblings. I have you.

I have only you! I mean, you are like my sister

and I can't, like, enjoy being pregnant around you

'cause I feel guilty.

Well, then it's a good thing you have all your new friends

to just be happy around.

I'm so sorry. Is it my happiness that bothers you or my friends?

Because there's so much resentment

flying around right now, I can't keep track of it all.

Hey. Listen to me. I get to be upset right now.

I do, okay? Because I found your doctor,

I took you to your birthing class,

I planned this whole baby shower.

I told you I didn't want a goddamn baby shower!

This is really fucking hard for me!

Okay, it's hard for you. I... I got it, loud and clear.

Maybe you haven't noticed, but it hasn't exactly been

a fucking Sunday drive for me either.

I'm sorry that I ruined your plan!

I...

On behalf of my ovaries and Brian's sperm,

I am sorry that we got pregnant.

But it is not my fault that you are not pregnant!

You're right. No, you are right.

Emma...

♪ Photograph of us In the spotlight ♪

♪ On a hot night ♪

♪ I was drifting in and out ♪

♪ Reticent on the off chance ♪

♪ I'm blunter than a bull's-eye Begging for peace of mind ♪

♪ I lose a bit of myself ♪

♪ Laying out eggshells

♪ I've been yours for so long

♪ We come right back to it ♪

♪ I let my mind run wild ♪

♪ I don't know why I do it ♪

♪ But you just settle in ♪

♪ Like a song with no end ♪

♪ If I can keep up

♪ We'll get right back To it... ♪

You're ruining your manicure from the baby shower.

I forgot my gloves.

I didn't know you were coming over here.

I tried calling several times.

Sorry. I've been, you know, a little tired.

How's Emma?

We have not talked since the shower.

That's got to be a record for you two.

Three weeks is the record. Sophomore year.

Hey.

I don't know what happened between you two,

but I know how much you love her.

And I know how much you confide in her

and how much you count on her.

When this kid arrives,

you might want a friend in your corner.

It's awful. Mom!

No, not you.

Sorry.

Ooh, I'm not good at this.

You were perfect. Thank you.

I mean, you didn't sleep the first six months,

and you threw up every time you tried to nurse,

and you were an angry, scrawny little thing--

Who was perfect. Who was perfect!

Who was perfect. Uh-huh.

I'm the flawed one. You know that.

I always used to think that babies

should come with warranties

because of their defective parents.

Well, I'm gonna have to hug you, because that was pretty cute.

Okay? Here are my arms. Okay.

I have dirt on my hands.

I don't care. I love you, Mom.

I better get back to the office. Sure. Got it. Yup.

Oh!

I'm going to an estate sale in Salem tomorrow.

Oh, yeah? I'm going to find you a vintage highchair.

No lead paint, though.

I'm serious, Mom.

She's gonna get me a lead fuckin' highchair.

Oh, shit. Mom, you left your phone!

You'll have to come back for it.

Oh.

Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

Oh, no.

Okay...

Hey, B. Um.

I think this is happening. Where are you?

Call me back.

Oh...

Fuck.

Hey, Em. Um...

You are probably at school right now,

but I think this is happening, and I can't get a hold of Brian

because I think maybe he's in surgery

and I'm just, like, a little scared.

Um... I just don't want to do this alone.

So, uh, can you... can you call me back?

Thank you.

Fuck!

Oh, you got to be fucking kidding me.

Hi. Hey, you Phoebe?

Yeah.

Whoa, whoa! Are you in labor? Uh-huh.

Nope, just had my car cleaned.

Wait! Oh, fuck you, you fuck!

Ow.

Oh...

Hi. How can I help you?

Hi. I think I'm having a baby.

You're in the right place.

Have you spoken to your doctor?

My doctor? No. That's a good idea.

I should've called my doctor. Sorry.

This is just my first time and I've never

done this before, and I don't really know what I'm doing

or actually what I'm feeling.

I can't get a hold of my fucking husband.

Um, so I actually just drove myself here.

Oh, my God. Yeah. I think I'm in full fucking freak-out mode.

Okay, what is your doctor's name?

Um... Dr. Morrison!

Dr. Ian Morrison. That is her OB and I just talked to him

and he's on his way.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry too.

Oh. Oh, my God.

Okay. Let's go have a baby.

Okay. Where do the babies happen?

Where the fuck is Brian?

All good. I talked to an ER nurse

and you were right, he's in surgery.

Let me help you.

Construction site accident. It sounded pretty gnarly.

There was a crane hook and it gave this guy a metal wedgie.

Not what I need to know right now.

Okay, this is gonna be for jewelry now. Um...

Okay. So, they're gonna let Brian know

as soon as he's out of surgery.

When the fuck is that gonna be?

Hey, look at me.

You got this.

I got this. That's my girl.

Yeah. Oh, here comes another one!

Okay, where's your phone? Emma, Emma...

Which one is your birthing playlist?

Is it "Zen Chill Vibes"? No, that's for bedtime.

It's the one called "Bring the Pain"!

Okay. Wow. So much Papa Roach.

Okay.

Breathe.

You're doing so good.

No!

Oh!

Emma!

I'm ready for the epidural. Can she have the epidural?

You're a little far along.

Julie, it's not too late!

I need an epidural!

Okay... I think I just shit myself.

Is that enough? Yeah. Thank you.

Okay, I called your mom's office and she is on her way.

Where the fuck is my husband?

Okay, you're doing so good. And guess what?

You look so beautiful right now.

Emma, you are such a bad liar.

I really can't believe

how many humans there are on this planet.

Like, this is the most...

...excruciating pain I have ever experienced.

My back is fucking killing me.

Okay, I got you.

Okay. Ready?

Okay.

Okay, does that feel better?

Oh, my God. I have never loved you more.

Thank you.

Can I have some too? Thank you.

Oh, my God...

Thank you.

What's next?

Let's check dilation.

How far along is she? Do not tell me.

I do not wanna know how close I am to the finish line.

It'll psych me out. So just tell me

when it's time to push, and that's it, okay?

Okay, so, um, some bad news.

I... I don't think Brian's gonna make it.

Well, then where the hell is Ian?

Perfect timing. Here I am.

Oh, my God. Hi! Hi!

Will you fix my hair? Yes.

How far along are we? Ten centimeters.

Okay, you're fully dilated. It is time to go.

Oh, my gosh. You're fully dilated.

Oh, I am fully dilated?

You're fully dilated. I'm fully dilated.

Fuck. You want me to take a video?

Do not go anywhere. What? I'm not spooning you while you deliver your baby.

Yeah, you are. Ian?

Whatever makes Phoebe the most comfortable.

We have a mirror if you'd like to watch.

No! No!

Okay, deep breath!

And... push!

Good! Good! Good!

All right, you're doing great.

Okay, deep breath for me again.

You can do this! You can do it! Push!

Okay! Good! Push!

Okay! Look at all that hair!

I couldn't shave. I couldn't reach it.

I think he's talking about the baby's hair.

Oh. Okay, almost there.

One more push and you're gonna meet your baby girl.

Okay, here she comes!

Okay!

Oh! Oh, my God.

Is she okay? She is perfect. You did great.

Oh. Hi.

Hi, there.

Oh.

Oh. I love you so much.

Yeah.

So, are we going with Hortense?

B won me over with Lily.

Thank God.

And for her middle name, we were thinking about Nora.

After your mom.

Would you be okay with that?

Yeah.

Hey! I'm here.

Hey, Dad.

Look what we made.

Oh...

I'll just, uh...

Hey. Thank you.

Anytime.

All right.

How is it over on your side of the hospital?

Heard it was a scary one.

It was incredibly complicated and unbelievably bloody.

But everybody's gonna be okay.

Lily, meet your dad.

He's basically a superhero.

Actually, your mom's the hero.

Well, your dad's not so bad either.

Hey...

Oh...

She's gorgeous.

Do you wanna hold her, Mom?

Okay.

Oh...

Still got it.

Oh. Did I leave my phone?

Yes, you left it at the shop.

Thank God.

You know what?

Let me get a picture with Grammy.

Granny. Mammy? I... I don't--

We haven't decided what we're doing.

Wow. I just-- I didn't know what--

Okay, I'm gonna take the picture.

I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU.

Congrats. Bye.

It's Emma. Hi!

I know what you're thinking.

Just because we traded numbers

doesn't mean you are off the hook.

You got me this far.

Gonna have to get me through the rest.

I mean, if I could convey to you

what is happening in my underwear right now...

I don't think you need to convey that.

If you could even call it underwear.

Oh. And I forgot my shower shoes.

Shower shoes! See?

Can't live without you.

Neither can she.

So, how do you feel, Mom?

I feel ready.

Oh, shit.

Hi! Wow! I mean, hey!

I totally forgot you guys were coming over today.

Oh, uh, we can come back a little later.

Yeah. No, no, no. It's... it's cool. Come on in.

Shit.

Guys, I'm gonna be right back--

I'm just gonna go check on Lily,

make sure... make sure she's still breathing.

Do not wake her up, Brian.

I'm not... I'm not gonna wake her up.

You're getting real weird over there, Ben.

I mean, they're not even boobs anymore.

They're udders.

I'm gonna go check on Bri.

Anyway, um, how are you feeling?

Great. Really great. Never been better.

Lily woke up at 4:00 a.m.,

and when she's napping, I'm strapped into this

medieval torture device.

How's Brian? Great?

Probably?

Yeah, he goes to a job outside the house.

Has adult conversations.

Gets more than 12 fucking minutes to himself every day.

I'm sorry. It's not his fault. He's trying.

He's, like, a great dad.

But sometimes I do fantasize

about stabbing him in the face.

Don't do that.

I'm gonna be right back.

Gonna put this milk in the freezer.

You need some help? No, I'm good.

Fucking freezer's so far away.

Let's go. Let's go.

Fuck!

What? What's going on?

Are you okay?

Did you open the freezer last night?

Did what? Did you open the freezer last night?

Yes, I opened the freezer.

I was... I was doing Lily's, uh, dream feed.

And did you close the freezer last night?

I had the baby in one hand...

and I had the milk in the other.

I... I swear I closed the freezer.

No! You didn't close the freezer!

And now,

all the milk that I have been pumping

every morning at 3:00 a.m.,

and tandem pumping while nursing,

and pumping in that shitty bathroom

at the shop,

it's all ruined, Brian!

Look at this!

I have a freezer full of tit slushies!

Look. We can figure this out.

I... I... I can fix this.

How? How are you gonna fix this?

Are you gonna grow some magic boobies

and then you're gonna, what, start lactating?

I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know.

Fuck.

I'm sorry. I don't...

Get out.

What? Get out.

Me? Yeah!

You and your fuckin' apple.

All right.

Out!

Oh, my God.

Oh, fuck.

Fuck...

It's okay.

Hey.

You okay?

No.

I'm sorry.

Okay, give me this little dictator

and you go take the longest shower of your life.

Oh, really?

Okay, careful of her head.

I'll be right back, sweetheart.

Thank you.

Enjoy.

Did you get kicked out of the house too?

Nah, I just thought it would be safer out here.

Probably.

Wow, look at you! All showered and clean

and looking like a human being and stuff.

Don't make me smile.

What Brian did was unforgivable

and I want to make sure to be angry about it forever.

Sure, that sounds like a very healthy choice.

No, Emma. Don't take his side.

I'm on the milk's side.

What milk? It is gone.

Not so fast, because Lily and I did a little research

while you were in the shower,

and if there are still crystals in the tit slushies,

I believe you called them... Yes, there are.

Yes? Well, then you can re-freeze it.

Wait, really? Really.

Oh, my God!

There is a God. And she's a mom.

Obviously.

Oh, my God. Thank you.

I don't know, man.

I...

I just feel like I'm...

I'm not a part of so much of this.

You know? There's so much of it that

I... I don't know how to do.

There's so much of it I can't do.

One day,

hopefully soon,

you won't be able to do any of it either.

God, I hope so.

But I'll also remember to close the freezer door when I do.

I don't... I don't need that right now.

You need it a little bit.

Can't we just stay like this forever?

I think you're gonna have to let him back in the house

at some point.

Are you seriously gonna make me raise this kid with my husband?

I know you don't want to hear this right now,

but he is actually one of the good ones.

I know, it's just...

He has no idea what I'm going through right now.

Neither do I.

Have you called that mom that you met at the hospital?

No.

Maybe you should.

I don't know.

You ever wonder why we've been best friends

since the day we were born?

Why we didn't just, like,

go our separate ways after our moms met at the hospital?

You know what I think? I think it's because

they needed each other.

Hmm.

You know that whenever you need me,

I'll be there, right?

You need a last-minute babysitter,

I'm there.

Put a middle school bully in their place?

Freaking on it.

Proofread her college essay?

I have already picked out my red pen.

There's no book or article I can read

that could put me in your shoes right now.

I just know that it seems really, really hard.

It is.

I don't think moms were meant to do this alone.

Are you breaking up with me?

Oh, come on, dude. You sat in my lap

and pushed a human out of your body.

I mean, it sounds like something witches would do

to, like, bond themselves to each other for eternity.

Oh, my God. We are witches.

Yeah. I'm not worried about us anymore.

Call her.

Okay.

Hey.

Remember, one of the good ones.

One of the good ones.

Okay. Hi, sweet one.

Yeah.

I know.

He's back.

Hi. Hi.

You punk.

Come on. We're gonna be late.

Uh, give me a sec.

Two lines?

Nope. I didn't feel great this morning,

so I thought I'd check, but... Well, blessing in disguise.

Dunno how you're supposed to make it through

a one-year-old's birthday party without a little alcohol.

Loving where your head is at.

On that note, shall we?

Let's.

Whoo!

Okay, ready? One, two, three.

♪ Why do you let me stay here ♪

Wait, Mom, get in here. Yeah. Come on, Mimi.

♪ All by myself

Okay. Here we go.

♪ Why don't you come And play here ♪

♪ I'm just sitting On the shelf... ♪

Can I have another piece for my dad?

Oh. Yeah. Thank you.

Can I have another piece for myself?

Yes.

Enjoy.

Thank you.

What have you been up to? Anything...

Not much. Yeah, I've been--

I got a skateboard yesterday. Oh, okay.

Been skateboarding. Okay.

♪ I gotta get your presents ♪

♪ Ah ♪

♪ Let's make it known... ♪

Did you see that baby in the orange?

That baby was crazy. Wildin' out.

Definitely on something.

Yeah, you're at a party. Mm-hmm.

Dial it back. Chill. Mm-hmm.

Um, all right.

Happy birthday.

For me? No, it's not for you.

It's your daughter's birthday.

Great. I'll add it to the other 6,000 presents

you've already gotten her. Hey, this is an investment.

I might need her to take care of me at retirement age.

Mm.

Do you think that maybe you'd like to stay

after the party and maybe, I don't know,

kind of, like, help me clean up? Please, pretty please?

Oh, damn. That sounds so fun,

um, but I can't, because I'm so busy.

Uh, you're so busy doing what?

So busy, you know,

wandering around aimlessly at the farmer's market.

You know, I might pick a thing up,

put that thing down, pick another thing up,

and just, like, not be concerned

if any of it is a choking hazard.

Sounds exhausting. Yeah, I'm gonna be so exhausted.

I'm definitely gonna need to take a nap after this.

I only got nine hours of sleep last night.

I mean, I could just push through and sleep in tomorrow,

but you know that I love my quiet Sunday brunch

with a crossword puzzle and a Bloody Mary or three.

You stole my thing.

I'm just keeping it warm for you.

Don't worry, you can have it back

when you're ready for it in what, seven to ten years?

Now, I need another beer.

All right, let's go.

♪ Just give me credit ♪

♪ I'm just sitting On the shelf ♪